My mother hates me - what should I do? family psychologist

When it comes to relationships, there are many things that can go wrong. But sometimes it's not what you do that causes problems in your relationship, but the fact that you have overactive parents in your life. Whether it's your parents or your partner, they tend to interfere where they shouldn't and can turn your relationship into...

To understand how this happens, we turned to experts in the field of family relationships for advice and received from them a number of expert opinions that are worth paying attention to if you want to protect your relationship from parental interference.

Reasons for hating your mother

Negative feelings towards your own mother cannot arise spontaneously.
Hatred towards her is a product of numerous insults and a cluster of childhood psychotraumas that a parent intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on her child. Unfortunately, many children have been affected by this problem, and now it is poisoning their lives. Why specifically hatred of the mother may arise: Emotional coldness. Not all women have a pronounced maternal instinct. At the birth of a child, these mothers do not have a need to show feelings and tenderness. They serve him, feed him, take him to kindergarten, but always keep an emotional distance

It is very important for a child to feel his mother’s warmth. For proper psychological development, he needs a loving, affectionate mother.

When a son or daughter does not receive attention from their parent and feels cold, they gradually begin to hate her, never receiving what is rightfully due to them.

Conflicts and lack of mutual understanding. A bad relationship between mother and child does not go unnoticed. Conflicts between generations are inevitable, but there are truly irreconcilable differences. Negative emotions accumulate, and then children feel alienation, anger, and emptiness. The inability or unwillingness of a mother to establish contact with her son or daughter leads to the fact that children hate the woman they should love and respect.

The power of the mother. If a woman does not allow her child to take a step without her own approval, then at first she can indeed serve as an unquestioning authority for him. But after a while, a child or a teenager will definitely rebel, and a real war will begin, which will lead to hatred. Unfortunately, mothers rarely understand their mistakes and continue to attack even when the child has long become an adult: they meddle in personal life, control, and impose their opinions. Then the relationship with your son or daughter never becomes friendly.

Mother's jealousy towards the child's father. Most often, this problem concerns daughters due to their belonging to the fair sex. Why does a daughter hate her mother within the framework of psychology? Sometimes women behave instinctively, without listening to the voice of reason. Mothers are unconsciously jealous of their husband, especially if a warm, trusting relationship has developed between dad and daughter, and not everything is going smoothly between the spouses at this time. As a result, the mother constantly humiliates her daughter, trying to compete with her in the fight for the attention of her man, spoiling relationships with both and causing fierce hatred in your child.

Violence in family. Psychological and physical terror on the part of the mother completely kills all the child’s positive feelings towards her. It is simply impossible to forgive such an attitude, because it leaves an indelible imprint on the child’s psyche. Children who have suffered from domestic violence in the family most often say with complete confidence: “I hate my mother!” And how else should you relate to a person who beats and bullies you, although he should be your support and support in everything?

These reasons for negative feelings towards your mother are quite understandable. It is quite difficult to establish relationships after such events, but hatred of the one who gave birth poisons the child’s life and has negative consequences even in the distant future.

The effect of “hidden” feelings

Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: “Don’t cry!”, “Why are you angry, it’s just a doll”, “Don’t be sad, we’ll buy you a new toy”, “Don’t laugh so loudly, it’s indecent.” If we summarize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: “You can’t feel.”

Where do these reactions come from? It’s just that once upon a time we also received a “prohibition on feelings” from our parents, and now in one modified form or another we pass it on to our children.

The effect of “hidden” emotions occurs when we do not allow our children to express sadness, joy, anger, resentment and even joy. If you say to a small child “don’t cry” when he has fallen and slightly hurt himself, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh out loud” when he is having fun, then sooner or later he will come to the conclusion: you can’t feel.

Let's see how it happens.

Maternal love as a consequence of unwanted pregnancy

In everyday life, we are used to seeing happy children next to equally happy mothers. Alas, the current environment, poor heredity, as well as the decline in health indicators both among older members of society and among young urban residents, entail frequent metamorphoses in which seemingly healthy women suffer from infertility. Therefore, today for many of them, the number one pressing problem and insoluble issue is the inability to become a mother. In such cases, unhappy women look with tears in their eyes and involuntary envy at other representatives of the fair sex who have already experienced the joy of motherhood.

Despite the irresistible feeling of joy that every young mother should experience, today there are often ladies who are not particularly happy about their pregnancy, and especially about motherhood. Unfortunately, such non-standard trivial situations still happen among some representatives of the fair sex. As a result, women who give birth during an unwanted pregnancy are then unable to adequately express their feelings towards their own child. The unfortunate baby, being a child and then growing up as a full-fledged mature person, then often asks the question: “Why did my mother never love me?”

Comments from psychologist Olga Egortseva

– Everyone has long known that many human problems come from childhood and early childhood experiences play a decisive role in fate. Child-parent relationships are an eternal topic that never exhausts itself, giving rise to a lot of conflicting advice and recommendations from various experts. True, one of the most authoritative experts in this field, the English psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott, expressed thoughts that such recommendations could even be harmful, since they deprive parents of intuitive wisdom and self-confidence. At all times, mothers knew what to do to provide the child with what they needed; they successfully coped with this task, performing actions “on a whim.”

But it is important to understand that love (in our case, parental) is a complex process, and not just an instinct. Human development is structured in such a way that at the initial stage of development the child is absolutely dependent on the mother

Over time, an understanding comes that at this stage it was maternal care that provided the conditions that made it possible to live and further develop as an individual.

At the same time, no matter how difficult the thought is that there is also hatred in feelings towards the mother, it should be recognized that in fulfilling her role the mother is a representative of the demanding outside world. She introduces a small and defenseless creature to reality, which is often the opposite of desires. They get angry with the mother, and the child, whose love is undeniable, always has room for negative feelings.

With the father’s role, everything is even more complicated, because if the mother sacrifices her personal interests from birth (which is inevitable at least in the first months) and is completely responsible for the child’s life, then the father may not realize the significance of his role in upbringing. When a child appears in a family, even if it is long-awaited, it is always a crisis, that is, it rebuilds the system of family relationships and leads to a redistribution of responsibility. The most obvious consequence of this is that a woman can no longer pay as much attention to her husband as before. In Mary's story, her father's betrayal could be an extreme case of failure to overcome this crisis.

The second heroine, Polina, speaks about her parents with a feeling of great resentment towards them, points out unreasonable demands, a reluctance to understand her, accept her interests and values: according to her, her parents refused to see in her an independent person who has the right to make her own choices and bear responsibility for him. They imposed their opinions on her, based on their personal life experiences, which led to protest behavior on her part and a complete loss of trust in the relationship

Perhaps at first this behavior was an attempt to attract parental attention, then it became a habit, and the girl became completely confused, never resolving family conflicts

Of course, the parents did not wish harm to their child and did not at all want to make him unhappy. This is an example of one of the main problems in parent-child relationships. Often, at the stage of growing up, parents forget that all their responsibilities in preparing their child for adult life have already been successfully completed and the moment has come when it is time to let their children go into an independent life in which they have the right to independently build their future. The natural result of growing up is separation - separation from parents. Many not only experience anxiety about this, which is completely acceptable and understandable, but simply cannot show trust in their child, do not want to take this fact for granted and turn his life into a nightmare filled with parental terror. One of the most painful and common options is the imposition of a profession.

Often in such relationships a certain attitude of “should” is manifested: “We raised you, put you on your feet, now you should be an excellent student, enter a prestigious university, get a normal profession, start a family,” etc. This “should” ignores the real needs of a person and does not lead to only to feelings of irritation and anger, but can also cause feelings of guilt for not living up to someone’s expectations.

No matter how much you would like to look after your child all his life, it is worth thinking about the fact that he will be truly grateful to you if he becomes an independent person who knows that his parents are the people who love him for who he is, and not as they wanted him to be. would like to see him. A person who did not receive such love in childhood, ready for patience and sympathy, will find it very difficult to learn it later.

"We don't have to love our parents"

Another problem in the relationship between fathers and children is violation of boundaries . Our parents grew up in a country of “soviets,” in communal apartments, when the elders told the younger ones what to do, how to act, where to go to study, and so on. And from here comes an even greater conflict. An adult, having studied at the university chosen by mom and dad, realized that he really wanted to be an artist, and not, say, an accountant, and problems begin in his life.

As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry , we all come from childhood. Therefore, both inter- and intrapersonal conflicts originate in relationships with parents. By and large, we are not obliged to love our parents, but we cannot reject them either . You need to learn to accept them as they are. This is also important for future generations. Otherwise, it may come back to haunt us later that our children will turn away from us.

It is important to understand that we will not correct our parents . They are “entrenched” in their beliefs. It is very difficult for adults to change their psyche. If a person has worked in the same place for 40 years and never even thought that it could be done differently, then, of course, he will think that children should live like this too. If you graduated where mom and dad said, realized that it was not for you, and began to look for yourself in other areas, your parents will be annoyed - it’s time to work, start a family, and not suffer through nonsense, as it seems to them from the outside. And here it is important to be able to defend your borders and protect your own interests. Violating these boundaries is also incest.

There is a small exercise: divide a sheet of paper into two columns; on the one hand we write “I believe”, on the other - “I am a person who.” As a rule, the first column is the opinion of the parents.

We are lucky that we now live in the information age and have the opportunity to develop and engage in self-knowledge. Our parents’ parents lived in the post-war period - what kind of care could they give their children? For them, the main thing was to survive. Feeding a child is already love and care. People who grew up in such conditions often treat their children the same way. And not because they are bad, but because they were taught that way.

learn to defend your boundaries with the help of an exercise: say “no” to everyone for a week. There are people who cannot refuse anyone at all except themselves. And the exercise helps to develop this skill well.

If it is very difficult to refuse your parents at first, say “I don’t know, I need to think, I will answer later” - try to avoid a quick answer. In the psyche there is such a moment as an inhibited reaction, when a good thought comes later. Therefore, sometimes it is useful to take a break, think over the answer, so as not to offend the parent and to defend your interests.

Conflict of interest between two adult women

The described problem gains more serious momentum in the daughter’s adulthood in her relationship with her mother. And if youthful maximalism projects problematic situations based more on fantasized grievances that do not exist in real life, then an adult woman in disputes with her mother is guided by real facts. “Mom doesn’t love my child”, “my mother continues to hate my husband”, “my mother only becomes more stubborn and angry with age” - such thoughts today often occur to mature, stately women who already have their own family and their own children. Often this behavior of mothers is explained by age: it is not for nothing that they say that old people are like children. Excessive touchiness, manifestations of annoyance, and frequent upsets for no reason are increasingly common in older women. And on whom else should they take out the costs of their old age, if not on their children?

“I raise my children myself, and you just love them”

Of course, no one is perfect, and staying calm all the time is very difficult. As Lao Tzu , “The strongest warrior is the one who is not angry.” Therefore, when aggression arises, try to get rid of it immediately: count to ten, bend your fingers, look to the side. If your imagination works well, look at the situation “from above” - the parent and me.

This pause will be to your advantage. While you are silent, your opponent is trying to understand what you are thinking. And even if you don’t think about anything, he’s already giving in a little. Next, exhale and try to explain: “I understand that you care about me, I accept your love, and I’m pleased, but I’m already an adult and I’m able to deal with my relationships/work/children myself.”

When we observe the attitude of our parents towards our children, we often see because of what words or behavior of our elders we have this or that complex. And we understand that these same problems can be passed on to younger people. Therefore, “I raise my children myself, and you just love them.”

Why does an adult son insult his parents?

Such a hopeless story is unnatural for a mother who loves her son, which means that every mother is simply obliged to immediately extinguish the anger that flared up inside her and force herself to calm down. By responding with insult to insult, you will only sow the seed of discord and anger and thereby aggravate the already difficult situation. Therefore, first of all, you should figure out what are the reasons for such boorish behavior of an adult son (or daughter)?

And to do this, you need to honestly answer a number of unpleasant questions to yourself:

1. When your son, very young or already in school, came to you with his strange drawing (or he was scared in the panic room) - remember, did you laugh at him?

For a man, a woman’s ridicule is always a trauma, and a mother’s ridicule is a very deep trauma. Don't forget about it! Your little son could remember the ridicule and unknowingly harbor resentment for many years to come.

2. Kindergarten or school. Perhaps your son received a lot of comments and complaints from teachers, or third-party people tried to lecture your child in public. Have you always been on the side of your son, or did you support a stranger and, in unison with her, were indignant in public at your son’s hooligan act?

If your boy has really committed a crime, do not pat him on the head for it. But he should hear your indignation and receive a well-deserved punishment at home. And let teachers, educators or the saleswoman of a nearby store only know that you will definitely understand this situation. But you will never reprimand your son with them!

3. Have you yourself said hurtful and insulting words to your child (during a quarrel or for “educational” purposes)?

How does hatred of a mother affect a child's life?

Hatred towards a loved one is a destructive condition that is associated with an equally severe feeling of guilt. A person cannot bear them for a long time without talking through them and without changing the situation. Suppressed anger is directed against the person himself, health, and against the people around him.

A man thinks about his mother

When aggression cannot be directed at the address, it moves on to one’s body - this is how psychosomatic problems or self-harm appear. If hatred is turned against the person himself, a tendency to destructive or risky behavior, dangerous habits, and addictions appears.

Ignoring difficult emotional experiences creates a risk of depression and outbursts of anger. In adulthood, this affects relationships with your partner and children. The model of interaction that was once created with the mother continues to be played out within one’s own family.

"No need to make excuses"

The feeling of guilt and debt prevails in our psyche. And often, when we cannot give our parents what they want, or we cannot care for an old father or mother, we feel guilty. But you need to understand that any question comes from acceptance. Life itself and everything that happens is neutral, and conflict is what we have inside. For some, a cup broken by a husband or child is nothing to worry about, but for others it is a complete tragedy. Therefore, try to be neutral about everything . If you can’t take care of an old parent, do the best you can: find the best nursing home, hire a good nurse, contact trusted specialists - and don’t blame yourself.

And if there are people who condemn (and they always are), there is no need to justify yourself to them. Just say: “Don’t slander a person until you have been in such a situation yourself. To experience everything, you must first live my life. Do you want this? It is unlikely that anyone will answer in the affirmative.

Why can a mother hate her child?

In general, of course, it is definitely difficult to answer such a question. It’s hard to imagine why a mother might hate her child. But, nevertheless, for some individuals this situation is considered the norm. Tyranny on the part of the mother usually manifests itself like this:

She makes all decisions in the family for you.
Your opinion has no place in the family.
Total control accompanies you everywhere.
You are instilled with a feeling of guilt for everything
Systematically raises his hand, even for the slightest mistakes
Criticism haunts you for any reason
Constant punishments for no reason

Living with such a parent is definitely impossible. Children in such families, as a rule, grow up unsure of themselves and have many complexes. Why does this happen? Why can a mother hate her own blood? The answer to these questions should be sought in the distant past of women. The reasons for this attitude may be the following factors:

Unwanted pregnancy
The child's father left his woman because of him
The child looks like his dad, who left the family
The child serves as an obstacle to building new relationships

What is required of you in such a situation is not to succumb to the provocations of an embittered mother. Don’t create conflict, try not to get into trouble. Under no circumstances try to prove to your unfortunate mother that you are worth something. This will not help change the attitude towards you for the better. If you are an emotional person, you will have to learn to control your emotions and silently, in practice, prove that you are right. If you live with a mother who hates you, you should behave like this:

Be patient
Do not shout in response to the screams of the parent
If you have already reached the age of majority, you can find other accommodation
Learn to make decisions
Explain to your mom that you have grown up and have the right to choose.

Of course, it will be difficult for you, and the help of relatives or loved ones will be very helpful in this situation. It is difficult psychologically to accept the fact that your own mother hates you. If you feel like you can’t cope on your own, contact a psychologist.

Manipulation with money

Money can be a huge factor in romantic relationships. Lack of money and constant financial difficulties put a lot of pressure on people. But money can be just as problematic in your relationship thanks to parental involvement. For example, if a girl's parents continue to give her (and, by extension, you) money (even as a loan), they can thus control your relationship. Money is a big plus that parents use to interfere with independent relationships, although they do not always do it maliciously. But sometimes they do. They give you money, or provide you with housing and say: “As long as I support you, I will decide what you do and how you live.” Financial interference can lead to other types of interference that affect your lifestyle as a couple. This can create puppet strings for you that your partner's parents pull to direct your life as they see fit. The quickest and best solution to this problem is to find a way to adequately support yourself without parental help. There are many aspects in which a person must be independent to make a romantic relationship independent, and financial independence is one of them. If you don't want to be in a position where you are beholden to your potential in-laws, then self-sufficiency is key.

Hot temper

The problem of fathers and children is eternal. Do you sometimes feel like arguments with your parents are endless and have no end? Do you feel like your mother doesn't love you? How to live if you want to cry from parental injustice? All these questions often arise on the basis of some rash conclusions made by children in their opinion of their parents. Only in dysfunctional families can we talk about the real reasons for parental dislike. But often the child’s feeling of negativity from his mother is due to his own fantasized and unrealistic guesses. Hot temper is one of the first criteria from which absolutely no conclusions can be drawn. In a quarrel or scandalous situation, a person may throw into the air a phrase that he will later deeply regret. In view of this, all conflicts should always be tried to be resolved in a sober mind and sound consciousness, with steam running, and not in a fit of anger. Then you can reach a consensus and avoid obsessive ideas about how to live if your mother doesn’t love you.

Festive dinners.

Despite the joy they are supposed to bring, the holidays can be some of the saddest days of the year. Spending the entire day as a large family can be exhausting in itself, but the holidays especially can cause problems in relationships. You may feel like you want to spend the holidays with your close friend, but his family may resent him for giving his time and attention to you. They may host holiday dinners and insist on their child being with them alone rather than bringing you along, and you may actually feel like you have to share their time with them.

For a growing couple, the holidays are an opportunity to be alone, to get closer and enjoy each other. But when the couple separates, they are denied this opportunity. Spending time with each other's families only comes naturally when the couple becomes more involved in the larger family, and if your partner's parents try to prevent this, then it means they don't approve of you or don't consider you important enough to participate in family interactions .

This can definitely create tension and disrupt communication with your partner.

How can we try to improve the current situation?

Here is one of the techniques. Invite your son to draw. For example, draw your family. First, you can ask him what family means to him, who his family is. The picture can show a family on a walk, at lunch, at a birthday party, etc.

The child will determine this himself. Next, ask the boy to name 2-3 positive qualities that each family member has, or what each person does best. And it’s better to start with him himself.

Summarize what you drew, note how soulful the drawing turned out, what a beautiful and strong family it shows, how many good qualities the family has. Praise your son for his drawing, for his ability to note the positive characteristics of everyone, add a few more positive qualities to his “portrait”.

Ways to deal with mother hatred

It is normal to experience difficult feelings due to conflict with loved ones. But it's worth asking what happens next to these feelings:

they are realized or suppressed;
accumulate as a heavy burden or splash out in the form of anger on others;
what is hidden behind hatred - a feeling of humiliation, powerlessness, fear, anger, resentment.

The girl is alone with her troubles.
A child who still lives with his parents can hardly influence the situation in the home and family. But you can help yourself, learn to support yourself, and handle your emotions correctly.

What to do if you hate and are angry with your mother

Accept your anger and not blame yourself for it: “I have the right to be angry, irritated, offended by my mother, and this does not make me a bad person.”
Think about what lies behind the hatred. Hatred is a very strong feeling that overshadows the others, but it does not mean the entire attitude towards the mother.
It is safe for yourself and others to be angry. A lot of problems in relationships are due to the fact that loved ones suppress negative feelings towards each other, accumulate them, and then take it out on others. You can speak your irritation out loud before it overwhelms you, write your thoughts down on paper; throw out anger into actions - stomp, growl, hit a pillow, tear paper.
Learn to correctly convey your thoughts and feelings. For example, to use I-messages - during a conflict, do not reproach and blame, but explain your state: not “you don’t understand me!”, but “I feel lonely” or “it’s difficult for me to deal with the problem myself.” Such expressions sound unusual at first, but later help people understand each other.
Seek support. You can almost always find a trustworthy adult in your environment - this could be a relative, a teacher, a coach, a school psychologist. It is not necessary to tell the situation at home in detail - a simple, confidential conversation with an adult on an abstract topic will already change the situation.

The girl thinks about her mother

A grown child, having left the parental home, still needs contact with his mother - this is a feature of the human psyche. The attachment to the mother lasts throughout life. If this connection was painful, communication between grown-up children and their parents does not bring joy and causes resentment and anger. But a grown child can take some responsibility for the relationship.

What to do with hatred of a mother in an already grown child

Go to a psychologist. Both a joint visit and an individual visit will be effective. If the proposal to go together to a psychologist causes ridicule, sarcasm, or devaluation from the mother, there is no need to insist, it is better to sign up for a consultation yourself, the benefits will be no less.
Refuse the image of an idealized mother. Every child dreams of a loving, accepting, supportive mother, but in reality, few have such parents. The psychological solution would be to admit that I will no longer have the mother I dream of.
Give yourself what your mother didn’t give you. Find out for myself what emotional needs I have - support, a sense of security, approval, love, and learn to satisfy them myself.
Define your psychological boundaries. Healthy boundaries mean that a person calmly and confidently explains how he can be treated and how he cannot be treated, while not “rolling out tanks” at every careless word or behavior.
Find out what kind of love is right for you. Often mothers do not know kind, supportive words, but they can show care in other ways - handing over potatoes from the dacha, knitting socks for their grandchildren. Discuss in what form your mother can show her love, and in which you are ready to accept.

Imposing family traditions

If your partner is from a different culture than you, or his parents are very strict about family lifestyle and attitudes, your relationship may be doomed from the start. This situation often occurs when young people belong to some other group: socio-economic class, other race, other religion. Yes, it is racism, classic and prejudiced, but families do not necessarily promote it. More often they see it as maintaining their beliefs. For example, Jewish parents may insist that their child marry another Jew. And this is just one example. Some families will never acknowledge their child's partner from any other group.

However, this does not mean that intercultural relationships cannot be successful. This can be a difficult experience for the child's partner and family to get used to each other. But in any case, if your partner's family does not approve of you at all from the very beginning, they will definitely push your partner and quite hard. The question is, can you handle it?

A child swears at school: what to do?

We have already said that after five years a child swears consciously and, moreover, does it intentionally. That is, he already knows when and what word is best to use. At this age, the main thing is to chop while still standing. Then school, friends and independent life begin. Well, as an independent person - you no longer walk hand in hand with him, he begins to communicate more often and more with his peers, goes to visit them (or vice versa)

It is important not to let this situation slip, but also not to go too far

If a child swears at school:

Under no circumstances, do not scold or hit! At this age, the child begins to form as a personality. He makes his own friends, lays the foundations of communication and even a position among his peers. If you scold, criticize, or, even worse, beat your child, he will simply withdraw into himself. And this will not only have a bad effect on communication with friends, but also on your studies. After all, an insecure person doubts everything.
Perhaps he made not very good, let's say, comrades. Another very common mistake made by most parents is to forbid him to be friends with anyone or to force him to make friends that you like. This will only result in riots and even more swearing. If he really got involved in bad company, try to gently and unobtrusively convince him that these are not the best friends.

At this age, aspects such as meaning and position in society already become important. There is no need to tell tales about Leshy who takes away bad boys. And speaking swear words is bad. If a 7-year-old child swears, he himself understands it perfectly well. Heartfelt conversations are important here. Moreover, things need to be called by their proper names. Press (only gently, without pressure) on who he will become. It’s worth giving clear examples of which people on the street swear more often (you don’t need to look for them for long).
Swearing is often used to express anger. You can create such a rule in your family - replace obscene words with acceptable and harmless expressions. Let those around you not understand you in this case. But then, just get closer to your child.

Better yet, teach and let your child understand that there is another way to get rid of tension. For example, play sports, run or just take a walk in the fresh air.
Although we said that there is no need to tell children fairy tales about the dangers of swearing at this age, one version can be announced at this age. By saying swear words, we seem to turn to the dark side of life and turn away from our guardian angel. Therefore, troubles and troubles will happen in life.
If teachers complain about a student, do not press the drill on the child with them. At this age, the support and faith of parents is very important. Of course, you also don’t need to attack teachers in defense of your child. Just try to figure out what happened at home. If a child loses his temper, try to find out the reason. Find out if there is anything you can do to help or come up with a joint solution to the problem.
And one more piece of advice - slowly let the child go away from you. He must prepare for adulthood and become independent. Give him the right to choose and vote in your family, let him make mistakes. Always support your child, but do not control or dictate too much. Especially at that age.

How parents intervene. Boundary violations and cross-contacts

The main way in which parents interfere in the relationship of their adult child is by violating boundaries and appropriate contacts in communication, for example, directly contacting their child’s partner in order to “put in their two cents” in the relationship, “teach how to live”, and in which In some cases, even involve other family members in this.

Every time a parent reaches out to their child's partner or their child's family, family boundaries are crossed. It's very dangerous when this happens. If parents have any concerns about the relationship, they should share them with their child, not with their daughter's boyfriend or their son's girlfriend. Some parents turn to their child's siblings to force them to make parental adjustments to their children's partnerships.

While it is perfectly normal for parents to give advice to their children, it is not at all constructive to go beyond that. Romantic relationships are for the people in the relationship, not their parents. The parent may even be well aware of this, but the interference is still harmful and awkward. If you feel like your partner's parents are too involved in this process, don't be afraid to talk to your partner about it. If you don't, it will continue.

Misjudgments

The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:

“My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
"My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
“My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.

The pressure of parental problems on children.

When a guy's parents have problems in their marriage, it can be difficult in many ways, including the young man's romantic relationships. Witnessing a marriage end can give younger generations a cynical view of their own love relationships. Divorce can influence them by creating the perception that they should avoid people like their father or mother, creating stereotypes about a marriage partner. It is very important for parents to solve their problems in such a way that they do not put pressure on their children with them. Even if it's not a divorce, parents still often put pressure on their children with their problems, harming their relationships.

If at least one of your partner's parents has a problem with alcohol or drugs, it will undoubtedly cause them stress and emotional problems. Your partner may feel that his parents need him more than you. The only way out in such cases is to find a balance by separating your relationship from his relationship with his parents. This does not mean that he should abandon his family, but he should be able to distinguish the difference between his parents' relationship and his own relationship. Just because your parents may be dysfunctional doesn't mean your relationship should be too.

Psychologist's comment:

— First of all, thank you for sharing something personal in such a difficult situation.

You understand correctly: your mother lives her life in a state of victimhood, blaming her daughter, parents, and circumstances for all unfulfilled dreams and unfulfilled plans. She has not achieved the top in life, and it is difficult for her to accept your achievements. It’s also difficult to accept that you are younger, more successful and build your life the way you see fit.

And you understand that it’s not about you. And the fact is that my mother never managed to become the mistress of her life and realize herself in the way she needed. If a person feels happy, he will never wish harm on another. Unfortunately, people act badly and unfairly because they themselves are traumatized, unloved, and lonely.

You can safely assume how much love is inside this woman. It's not enough. And this is neither good nor bad. It is a fact.

Photo: wpimg.pl

Realizing this will help you stop hoping that one day she will come to her senses and understand how wrong she behaved. This is the wisdom of accepting a person as he is. Allow him to live his life the way he chose. Allow him to make mistakes and understand that we don’t need to save him, he took this path himself.

The biggest disappointments happen where there are the most expectations. You shouldn’t expect your mother to listen to you and tell you why she behaved this way. She may not understand this herself.

A very important detail in any relationship: if you want to establish contact with someone, both parties must be interested in this.

If you want to share your joys and achievements, go to those people who will appreciate it

Tell important things to those who will share your happiness, and this will become a resource for you

Don't look where there is nothing.

Every person has an inner child, and everyone has it in different states. It depends on the situations that were lived in childhood and on how a person perceives them.

To simplify: the inner child is a child who lives in each of us and remembers all our wounds, grievances and disappointed hopes.

This is part of our psyche, and the main task for healing it is to listen to the inner voice of this child and gain more inner freedom.

When our inner child takes its rightful place and its needs are met, a person will act based on his needs and desires, and not out of a desire to please anyone.

Your inner girl, who remembers those difficult moments of childhood, needs your love and support. It will always be useful to her, no matter your age.

Talk mentally to your inner girl. Tell her that she is not to blame for anything. That she deserves love on a huge scale! But don't expect love from those who don't have much of it.

I recommend using the “Healing the Inner Child” technique (meditation). You can also read a book about this by Lucia Capaccione - “Regaining Your Inner Child.”

Try to understand why this particular woman became your mother? What have you learned from this relationship? How long has there been a difficult mother-daughter relationship on the female side of your family? Perhaps you will have the wisdom and strength to change this, transform it in a positive direction and pass on wisdom to the next generation?

Even from your letter it feels like you are a strong girl. And the tasks you face in your life are also within your capabilities. The one who walks will master the road - joy to you on this journey!

How not to react to a child’s hurtful words

*Response irritation. There is no need to yell at the child and scold him for what he said. His words are only a manifestation of one of the inner motives that needs to be understood;

* Physical aggression. Some parents are tempted to spank their child for “educational” purposes. Of course, a child may become silent out of fear, but he will only be confirmed in the correctness of what he said;

* Indifference, ostentatious or real. The child, saying “I don’t love you!”, wants to show how important what happened is for him, and your indifference builds a new “wall” between you;

* Concessions. One of the biggest mistakes that leads to the consolidation of manipulation is allowing a child to do something that was forbidden, just so that he doesn’t think that you don’t love him.

Story one: “I’m so offended!”

Little Danilka, who recently turned 2 years old, is a very active and inquisitive child. And sometimes his mother Oksana has to limit this activity, not allowing him near anything dangerous and not giving him certain objects. Danilka reacts to this very violently: she begins to cry, stomp her feet and shout to her mother: “Bad!” Oksana’s heart aches because she loves her son so much. So why is he so unfair to her and doesn’t understand that this is for his own safety?

The first and earliest manifestation of the motive for cruel words addressed to parents is a direct emotional reaction, an expression of resentment. In this way, even the youngest children, 1.5–2 years old, can express resentment. When a child is not given what he currently wants, he protests. Children, especially under 3 years old, have difficulty controlling their emotions, and some interesting object can completely captivate them, and the desire to play with it is almost irresistible. This is why children react so violently if they are not given something or if something “forbidden” that they got themselves is taken away. They also react if an adult decides to punish them. Resentment and protest are very strong feelings, and it is difficult for a child to express them correctly (not every adult knows how to cope with them). Without thinking at all, the baby says what he feels: “You are bad!” He's really angry with you at the moment. And words are a way to express resentment. We adults learn to “mask” feelings and “swallow” grievances. The child does not yet have developed social skills, so he says what he thinks.

A similar, but slightly different motive is the desire to convey to parents that they are wrong, a demonstration of resentment. It may seem that this point is similar to the previous one. But in fact, expressing resentment and demonstrating resentment are two different things. “To be” or “to appear” – that is the question! If a child expresses resentment, he does so honestly, with an open heart, even if his words hurt you. But demonstrating resentment, he is already acting, overacting, exaggerating his feelings, wanting to prove to his parents that they are wrong for doing this to him. If in the first case the child wants to throw out the feeling, it is impossible for him to keep the resentment inside, then in the case of demonstrating resentment, the goal is to influence the parents. Some children will express their resentment through “pouting” silence or crying, and from some you will hear those very cruel words. Children begin to demonstrate resentment at the age of about 3.5 years, further improving in this “art”.

What to do?

Do not be offended and remain calm, after a while the child will calm down and your mutual love will return. How quickly this happens depends on the child’s temperament, as well as many factors: fatigue, physical well-being, and also your own mood. Some may cry and “sulk” for 10 minutes, while others may need half an hour for the intensity of emotions to begin to subside. Your task is to help the baby calm down. To do this, you can hug the child if he allows it. If he breaks out, don’t insist. Just sit down next to him so that you are level with his face. Next, express his feelings, for example: “I know that you are very upset that I took the iron from you.” Expressing feelings is especially important in the case of demonstrating resentment, because the purpose of such behavior is precisely to convey one’s feelings to parents. Talk through your child's feelings several times. It is important that his “I don’t love you” turn into “I’m upset.” Then continue: “I cannot allow playing with the iron because it is dangerous. I love you and want you to be healthy." Repeat several times. Try to distract your baby, for example, by massaging his fingers. If you yourself remain calm, then after some time, not too long, you will understand that the baby is calming down. Let him calm down until the end, and then tell him again that you love him very much and are trying to protect him from danger. He will smile at you, and this will mean that the conflict is over.

Story two: “Hidden manipulation”

Larisa, mother of 5-year-old Ksyusha, says: “My daughter has been frustrating me lately. Like any child, she is mischievous, and sometimes you have to punish her. Usually the punishment is that I don't let her watch cartoons. At first she cried, and recently, just a little, she began to say: “You are bad, it would be better if I lived with dad!” My husband and I have been divorced for two years, but he communicates with his daughter on Sundays. When I heard this for the first time, I was taken aback and, out of surprise, even canceled the punishment, just so that she could be convinced that her words were wrong. But now, it seems to me, she is using this to influence me.”

In this case, by uttering cruel words, the child can achieve his own goal. Very often, children use such phrases to manipulate their parents so that they allow something that was previously prohibited, or to cancel punishment. Manipulation must be distinguished from the expression and demonstration of resentment, because in this case, the child skillfully uses phrases that can change your “no” to “yes.”

Manipulations do not appear “out of nowhere”; more often than not, they are a well-established stereotype of behavior. When parents first hear from a child, for example, the phrase “You don’t love me!”, they are afraid that the relationship with the child may be destroyed, and... they allow what they have forbidden. A child who did not initially pursue this goal, but simply expressed feelings, suddenly understands that “no” can change to “yes” if “magic words” are said. But not “thank you,” but “you’re bad!” Several times he checks whether this is really so, and then it becomes a “button” that he habitually presses to control his parents.

What to do?

Most likely, at this stage you hear similar phrases from your child with unpleasant regularity. But if this is so, then the “button” works. And your goal is to make it stop working. To do this you need to break the stereotype. Previously, for example, when you heard “I don’t love you” from a child, you got angry, but fulfilled his whim, even though you were sure that you shouldn’t do this. Now you will need to be firm and stand your ground to the end. You can’t have candy now, which means you can’t. You can't take your cosmetics, so you can't. You will be able to watch the aggression become stronger. The child will use all the “tools” from his proven arsenal to insist on his own. It’s similar to how we, adults, when we can’t turn on a broken device, press the button to turn it on with increasing irritation. It will take some time and several such “sieges” for the child to become convinced that the past behavior has stopped working. And now your goal is for a new stereotype to form in the old place. You can show your child (for example, in a game) that some requests can be fulfilled immediately, but you just need to ask well; Some need to wait to be fulfilled, but some will not be fulfilled, especially if they are related to security. Be consistent in your behavior: weigh everything well before prohibiting or allowing something, so that there is no temptation to change your decision.

Story three: “Support Group”

Irochka is only 3 years old. Her mother Lyuda loves her daughter very much. But Lyuda does not have a good relationship with her mother-in-law. This relationship cracked a long time ago, even before Irochka was born, and there is a lot of mutual misunderstanding and reproaches. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law live separately, and Marina Leonidovna rarely comes to visit. Lyuda often discusses her relationship with her mother-in-law with her friends at the playground, and Irochka really likes to listen to adult conversations. Her mother does not hesitate to speak in front of her, thinking that she “doesn’t understand much.” But recently an incident occurred that proved the opposite. Marina Leonidovna came to visit to congratulate Irochka on her birthday, but the girl sat in her mother’s arms the whole time, not even wanting to approach her grandmother. And when she asked why she didn’t want to approach her, the girl frowned and said: “Because you are evil!” I must admit that at that moment Luda experienced inner gloating: now, even a child understands who is right and who is wrong, she was able to take revenge on her grandmother for offending her mother! And Marina Leonidovna, after sitting for another 10 minutes, left. This event aggravated the problems in the relationship; Lyuda’s mother-in-law decided that she was deliberately turning the child against her...

So, another motive for children saying cruel words is shared aggression, being in a “support group.” If there is a conflict in the family (between spouses, between representatives of different generations), then the child may say cruel words to those who are on the “opposite” side. For example, a child can tell his grandmother: “Get out of here, we don’t need you,” if he is on the side of his mother, who is at enmity with her mother-in-law. In this case, the child does not express his own feelings, he simply joins the one who is closer to him. The baby is still too small to correctly assess the situation and remain neutral; he needs to be with someone. And if this someone is fighting, then the child will be drawn into this fight. Children are more outspoken creatures, and it is from their lips that one can hear those cruel words that adults would like to say to each other, but cannot.

What to do?

It is useless to scold a child for this, although this is exactly what parents want to do. If you “conspicuously” scold a child, feeling inside satisfaction that he is on your side, then such “educational” measures will not only not lead to the disappearance of the behavior, but will also reinforce it. There is only one way out - you need to deal with your adult problems. As soon as the tension goes away, the baby will no longer offend his loved one. But it is impossible to quickly solve problems that have been accumulating for a long time. Therefore, for now, you need to separate the child from these problems, stop making him an “accomplice.” Don’t think that the child is too young and doesn’t understand anything. Do not talk in front of him about the conflict with one of your relatives. Try to show more respect when telling your child about the person with whom you have a conflict.

What to do with old grudges

Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.

For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.

I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.

Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you are important.”

Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.

Distrust of people

It still seems incredible to me when someone wants to be friends with me, for example. I immediately start looking for a catch, but after a couple of weeks I cling to this person with demands and proof of love and friendship. Unfortunately, girls with such experience crave extremely strong emotions. Of course, they subside for a while, but this only means that there is an impending whirlwind of new emotions and passions ahead. This usually leads to deconstructive relationships with “bad” guys or demonic men who are not averse to playing love games with jealousy, tears and obsession.