What to do if a child grows up to be selfish? how to re-educate him?

Article:

The word “egoist” in everyday understanding has a negative connotation.
But in psychology, a healthy dose of egoism is considered not only acceptable, but also obligatory. This is an attribute of a person as an individual: normally, everyone acts based on their own interests and in their own favor. An important difference between healthy and unhealthy egoism is taking into account the interests of other people. We will further discuss unhealthy selfishness, when a child neglects the interests and needs of others to please himself. If this behavior is not corrected in time, it will become the basis of the personality and nothing can be done.

Why is it bad to be selfish?

Among such people it is impossible to meet those who are truly happy.
Constant fixation on fulfilling your own desires does not allow you to relax and enjoy the ordinary joys of life.

If the set goals are not achieved, a person experiences a feeling of dissatisfaction, anger and irritation. In other words, he determines for himself the boundaries within which he constantly exists.

Belief in the exclusivity of one’s own person leads to constant conflicts with others, including the closest people. The atmosphere of hostility that always surrounds an egoist makes him suspicious and nervous.

He is incredibly vulnerable, because excessive concentration on himself does not allow him to objectively assess the situation around him and the attitude of the people around him. As a result, a person simply does not notice the hostility, irony and mockery disguised by false goodwill.

If you do not stop in time, then a harmful character trait can develop into its extreme degree - egocentrism.

In this case, it seems to the person that he is the “navel of the Earth.” The constant desire to talk only about oneself makes a person a universal laughing stock.

Its significance, as a rule, is absolutely illusory and exists only in his imagination.

Such behavior only irritates and makes people laugh.

It is impossible to have a productive conversation with an egoist, since he will reduce any conversation to a topic that specifically interests him.

Framework of the norm.

Psychologists say that up to three years of age, a child can demonstrate childish egoism, and this is quite normal, since during this age period the baby is only interested in what brings him joy and benefits. He doesn’t yet know how to properly communicate with peers, and he doesn’t yet know how to share. As a rule, by the age of four, children push their own “I” into the background and strive to join the team, make friends, learn to avoid conflict situations, and so on.

Experts believe that even the natural selfishness of a baby should be within certain limits of what is permitted. If the baby constantly makes demands on the parents, throws tantrums, and moms and dads try to satisfy the little one’s desires, this will cause the child to show his selfish side. Even a child under three years old needs to be explained and shown by example what behavior he should have in a group, why he should share, and much more. This will help the child quickly distract from his personality.

Simple rules

Children copy your behavior. You need to start your education with yourself, and only then correct the behavior of your children.

The educational process needs to begin from an early age. Don't miss this moment.

Once children reach the age of initial socialization, Pandora's box is opened:

learn to talk to children. Explain to your child what is and is not allowed. Teach him to clean up after himself, put everything in its place, and not take someone else’s.
Show him all this by your own example. The kid played in the room and scattered toys - explain what he needs to clean up after himself. Praise him when the cleaning is finished.
Teach how to take care of yourself: go to the toilet independently, dress and undress, hold cutlery correctly and eat carefully;
instructive literature and folklore.
Many parents underestimate fairy tales, jokes, films and cartoons that clearly demonstrate the rules of behavior, positive and negative character traits. Stories, songs, and nursery rhymes have long helped to give an idea of the world in a playful way. Now there are even more opportunities to facilitate proper children's psychological development. Don't neglect this. You can compose fairy tales yourself, connecting fictional stories with real ones;
seize the moment. Have you noticed that your child is in a bad mood? Try to talk to him about the reason for this behavior. Find out what's bothering him, or try to figure out a way out of the current situation together.
Even better is to do something together, for example, go to the park for a walk, feed yard animals and birds, or cook something together. Do not forget the timeliness of refusals and prohibitions: the child saw a new expensive toy from his friend and began to demand the same one, and you, as compliant parents, succumbed to persuasion.
After this, your baby throws tantrums at the slightest opportunity, and the answers “no” and “cannot” do not work. Do not allow manipulation, promptly limit the baby’s behavior;
explain how to behave in public places. The conviction of many parents that children bring joy to everyone will be shaken at the very first trip - to the circus, store or theater.
Accustomed to getting everything at once, the child will throw an extravaganza in the toy store, including hysterics, tears, screams, and lying on the floor. To prevent this from happening, gradually explain how to behave in such places.
A long line requires calm waiting and patience from him, the abundance of toys on the shelves is not intended for him alone, birthdays of peers are a holiday for all invited children and, above all, for the birthday boy;
you can't go along with it. Naturally, you love your child, you want the best for him, but you cannot indulge him in everything. This also applies to purchases.
Teach yourself and your child to agree on upcoming purchases in advance. Learn to refuse (and tactfully).
You will buy him all the educational books and toys over time, there is no need to do it here and now, trying to please a child who does not understand the value of money.
Read also: How to learn to come up with funny jokes so that people fall laughing: 5 powerful techniques
Remember about development: read with your baby, play educational games, make something, replenish his vocabulary, develop positive qualities through the example of his favorite characters from books and films;
cultivate respect for others. Teach your children to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Let them know that others also get tired, sick, offended or angry. Foster in your children responsibility, the ability to take into account the interests and opinions of other people.

There are a few more interesting articles on the topic for you:

how to raise a child without yelling and punishment;
how to teach your baby to fall asleep on his own;
how to choose a sports section for a child;
the main causes of children's whims;
features of the moral and spiritual education of children in the family.

How do you help your child to be altruistic and generous?

The key to developing empathy and generosity in a child lies in the hands of the parents. With simple daily gestures, patience and tact, you can teach him to become a responsible, loyal and altruistic future adult. Specifically, here's what you can try:

Encourage your child to observe the reactions and feelings of others. For example, in the park, observe children playing together and talk about the children's reactions in different situations: when a child pushes another, when a child borrows his friend's scooter, when a child loses his place on a swing.
Read all kinds of fairy tales to your child and discuss how the characters feel.
Help your child be aware of his actions. For example, if you throw sand in a child's eyes, show him that the child is crying because of what happened. Another example: if he left the baby in his place in the cradle, appreciate him and tell him that his friend is smiling and happy.
Encourage him to pay attention to the needs of others. For example, persuade him to help his younger brother (read them in class) or his playmates.
Be a good role model and show them that you care about others, relatives, grandparents, friends.
Play together and come up with various role-playing games in which friends help each other in various situations.
Pack a school bag with enough salt, pretzels, or fruit to serve 2-3 children.
Integrate your child into the community: kindergarten, school, playgroup in the park, sports team. In the group in which he is integrated, he learns as naturally as possible what it means to ask and offer things.

Childish selfishness. What to do if the child is selfish?

“My child is selfish.” Very often, a mother makes a discovery about children's selfishness when her beloved child once again throws a tantrum if she makes a futile attempt not to follow his lead.

Often parents do not realize that they are the ones who have made a lot of mistakes raising their little angel.

They wonder why their beloved baby has turned into a little tyrant who believes that the Earth should revolve around him.

Why do children grow up selfish?

When do we understand that a child is an egoist, and why do children grow up to be selfish? When the baby is still very small, he is, of course, the epicenter of attention of the whole family.

Mom strictly fulfills his every demand and is ready to put all her strength into making the baby feel good and comfortable.

But time passes, and the mother’s behavior does not change, the baby grows and realizes that any of his whims, any of his demands must be fulfilled at the first call, which is why our children grow up to be selfish.

And it’s not so difficult to do this: just cry, stamp your feet, and mom is right there and ready to fulfill his every whim.

She will still justify this behavior by saying that “her little bunny” is still small, that nothing can be denied to such a cute baby, and it is unlikely that at that moment she will think that sooner or later the child will grow up to be selfish. And only after a few years she will face the problem of how to deal with the child’s selfishness.

Why are children selfish?

Any whim of yours, as long as you don’t cry... This phrase often becomes a motto in the lives of parents who overprotect their baby, but is it a logical question - why are children selfish? At first, the child’s requests are small, but one day they realize that they cannot fulfill his whim at the first call and hope in vain that the baby will understand their refusal. This is where the childish egoism that they have cultivated all these years comes in. The child grows up to be an egoist and will not accept any arguments or justifications; his “I want” will come first. Therefore, you should not overindulge your baby.

This does not mean at all that you should not show love to your long-awaited child, it only means that you should not confuse love and permissiveness, otherwise in the future you will have to re-educate your selfish child.

You should not yell at your child, react violently to his tantrums, just say “no” to your baby firmly, be consistent in your decision, and step by step you will be able to overcome his childish selfishness.

Children's selfishness: how to overcome it

No need, I myself... Another mistake of parents who realize that their child is selfish is depriving the child of the opportunity to make independent decisions. Children's selfishness, how to overcome it? Do not rush to help your baby when he is trying to do something on his own, do not shift the initiative to yourself.

This way he will get used to the fact that he should not strain himself in vain, since there is a mother who will do everything for him. And one day, asking your child to help you around the house, you will receive a firm refusal.

To overcome children's egoism, you need to involve the child in everyday activities, but you should not immediately overload him with work, even if at first these will be very simple tasks.

When they talk about unhealthy selfishness in the younger generation

Up to a certain point, up to about 3-4 years, the personality is little noticeable and rather stereotypical. While a person is being formed, there are some rudiments of character, but nothing more. During this period, it is difficult to detect signs of selfishness. And there is little point in this: in the first three years of life, the child is not yet able to learn norms of behavior, moral categories and values. He just has to study and “absorb” all this. In the early period, he is selfish by nature, but there is no malicious intent here. This is fine.

After 4 years the signs become obvious if you look closely.

Tendency to manipulate

Typical trait. At the stage of approximately 6-7 years, the egoist cannot consciously manipulate. He acts intuitively, on a subconscious level. For now, these are the simplest actions: putting pressure on pity, “butting heads,” etc. Gradually the realization comes: I do X, my parents do Y, and I get what I want. The awareness of those actions that led to a positive result begins. If you do nothing, manipulation will become a habit. An egoist will use them as the main way of interacting with people. This will make things worse for him in the future.

A selfish child considers only his own interests

A healthy egoist acts in his own interests with an eye on the interests of others. This is fine. A child who is self-obsessed sees only his own interests.

Self-obsession

“I” as the center and measure of everything. In children, this trait takes on hypertrophied forms. If an adult can hide under a guise, disguise or restrain his impulses and real thoughts, children in their early and even later years are not capable of this. You can find strange judgments in the style of “they scold me, that means they don’t love me” or “you didn’t buy me something, that means you don’t love me.” Unhealthy egoism and self-obsession are expressed in a consumerist attitude towards everything and everyone. “I love dad more than mom because he buys me toys.” And so on. The whole attitude towards the world is built through benefit for oneself. Moreover, the criterion of “benefit” is pleasure.

Feeling of self-importance and exclusivity

The emerging personality reasons like this: “I’ll take that boy’s shoulder blade away because it’s the right thing to do.” But when they act in the same way towards the egoist himself, he feels great injustice. May try to restore it in the harshest ways. Gets into a fight. There are many options.

A son or daughter perceives parents only as tools

The same behavior applies to all people without exception. There is no talk of any love or affection. A tool is needed when there is a need for it to solve a problem. In the simplest case, an egoistic child does not show any interest in parents or other people. Doesn’t try to interact with them until the moment something is needed from them. Then manipulations are used: putting pressure on pity, flattering, “starving out”, etc.

For older people, 7-8 years old and beyond, blackmail is used. In primitive cases, a son or daughter tries to put pressure on the parent, to “break” him. If the mother or father adheres to gentle parenting methods, this is most often successful.

More signs:

The man doesn't respect anyone. Does not take into account the feelings of parents and people around, does not try to help, is indifferent to other people's problems.
The child is capricious and emotionally unbalanced. This is also noticeable from an early age.
Despite the fact that the character is just being formed, negative traits are already noticeable: touchiness, a tendency to outbursts of anger, tearfulness, hysteria. Quite stable and developed. It may well be that this is an element of manipulation. Artificial emotions. But rarely is a child capable of pretending so skillfully. It is better to discuss this issue with a child psychologist.

If a child is selfish, it is noticeable almost immediately. Conclusions can be drawn from the age of three. Plus or minus. It is best to consult with a competent child psychologist. He will assess the situation and give recommendations on the approaches before the problem grows.

Origin of egoism

Common sources of selfishness in children are:

Intentionally adopting a character trait because of the momentary pleasure derived from it.
Friendship with those who are very selfish.
A strong desire for everything to be the way you want it.
A strong desire to control others.
Excessive use of social media and text messaging.
Obsession with pleasing peers.
Parents' inability to cope with conflict in their child's behavior.
Education in which everything is permitted.
Modeling using the example of selfish parents.
Excessive parental interference in the child's life.
Failure of parents to teach a child a moral code.
Educational experiences that promote selfishness.
Modeling on the example of selfish peers.
Unwillingness to sacrifice something for the sake of others.
Compulsive actions associated with the search for a feeling of comfort.
Denial of a moral code or religious beliefs.

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Advice from experts: what to do if a child grows up selfish?

Of all the existing specialists, I would like to recommend the work of the famous American psychiatrist Ross Campbell

He talks about how parents should correctly satisfy the child’s emotional needs in real everyday life and focuses the attention of all parents primarily on correct, unconditional love. This is the only way you can lay the foundation of everything good and right in your child, and this will bring positive results.

The details of the manifestation of such unconditional love, which he describes in his works: “How to truly love your child”, “Face to face with a child” are not even familiar to most of our generation of parents. Therefore, enjoy reading this brilliant psychologist and many issues related not only to children’s egoism, but also to education in general, will become clear and simple for you.

Psychologist R. Chepalov:

It happens that parents begin to completely isolate the child from difficulties and indulge his desires. They are touched by his needs and are glad that he wants so much. They mistake his selfishness and will for independence. However, time passes, the child grows up, but the desire to share and help does not come to him. It can be very painful for parents to realize that they themselves raised an egoist.

The process of nurturing opposite, anti-egoistic qualities becomes more difficult the older the child is. In general, the steps are the same as for babies. It is necessary to demonstrate to the child a willingness to share with others, ask him to help himself and ask him to offer help to others. Of course, the child may resist: “Why am I giving someone a toy? Why am I sharing the cake?” The child will have to re-explain that this is how the world works, that this is how it is accepted. In some cases, it is useful to tell the child: “You didn’t know this before, we forgot to tell you about it, but now you should know: you need to share with others.” It is necessary to emphasize the anti-egoistic traits of heroes of works of literature and cinema. Encourage the manifestation of new traits in the child: “You did this right,” “Now you’re doing great.”

The process of turning an egoist into a simple, sincere, open person can be very painful. But there's nothing you can do about it. Parents should prepare for the child to resist. Parents need to remain calm, avoid physical punishment, and remain reasonably persistent in getting the child to change.

Psychologist V. Shebanova:

Let me give you some tips on how to work with yourself in order to stop doing for your child what he can already do on his own.

1. Are you familiar with the situation when a mother regularly wakes up a teenager in the morning, and even fights with him about this? Are you familiar with the reproaches of your son or daughter: “Why didn’t you... (cook, sew, remind)?” If so, then it is time for you to gradually but steadily relinquish care and responsibility for your child's personal affairs and transfer them to him. In addition, your child must have household chores, the quality of which is his concern.

We are talking about removing petty guardianship that simply prevents your child from growing up. I understand that at first you may be very worried about questions like: “How can I not wake him up? After all, he will definitely oversleep, and then there will be a little trouble at school! etc.

2. As paradoxical as it may sound, your child needs his own negative experience (of course, if it does not threaten his life or health). Allow your child to face the negative consequences of their actions (or inactions). Only then will he grow up and become independent. Do not force your child to do what, from your point of view, seems right, necessary and necessary for his well-being. Offer him a choice (the more choices, the better). Let him decide for himself what is best for him.

3. Teach your child from preschool age to provide all possible assistance to his mother (father, grandmother, aunt, etc.). When asking about what was new in kindergarten, be interested not only in the problems and successes of the child, but also in his friends: “I was glad to hear about your successes. What's new with your friends? Who has any successes or difficulties?” If your child is attentive to the concerns and needs of his family and friends, responds to their first call, then selfishness has not affected him, and you have a chance to raise a child who will be your reliable support in old age.

Prohibited parenting methods

Prohibited Method No. 1

Demonstratively voice: “From today you urgently begin to live differently! I stop caring about you. Your responsibilities are as follows..."

Such a proclamation would confuse even an adult. I lived alone for 10 years, and then everything changes suddenly, why is this? The child will not take this seriously and may stage a protest.

Prohibited Method No. 2

You deliberately express dissatisfaction with selfishness: “Here, they raised it on their own head!”

The question is, who raised and who allowed the child to become selfish? His character is your responsibility.

Method No. 3

Criticize and focus on selfishness in front of peers or adults. This is how you show disrespect for the child.

№ 4

Shift responsibility for your child’s selfishness to others: clubs, schools, kindergartens. It was not there that an egoist was raised, but at your home.

№ 5

Never led to a change in motivation. If a child was beaten for not sharing candy, then next time he will share because of fear of pain, but not because of the desire to please someone else.

№ 6

You don’t explain, you just demand.

It is important to explain to the child the norms and rules of behavior, to voice motivation and expediency. If the child does not understand why it is necessary to do this and not otherwise, he will not do so.

№ 7

Become selfish yourself. This method is akin to: “Here, I’ll show you yourself!”, when parents themselves begin to behave like children and demand: “Spin me, spin me!”

Firstly, it is stressful for the child, who is already selfish and does not understand why the parents want something for no reason.
Secondly, all that can be achieved is aggression on the part of the child, because your behavior will require skills that the child simply does not possess: care, responsibility, compassion.

How to get rid of selfishness in a relationship?

How to get rid of selfishness in a relationship? On the path to overcoming selfishness in relationships between people, begin to develop sympathy. When you talk to people, do not mentally evaluate circumstances in your own favor, switch to feelings. Think about what desires you have. Do not subordinate the situation to your advantage, do not put emotional pressure on people. Develop attention, be polite, sympathize with others. If someone close to you contacts you, listen to the person, put yourself in his position. Over time, you can learn to respect the opinions of others and empathize with them.

Live only in the present. Selfishness often develops due to anxiety about what will happen in the future or what happened in the past. Therefore, live here and now

Understand that reality exists only today, learn to do good deeds, what is important to you right now. The rest is just an illusion

Because of it, selfish desires can develop. Give up such desires, enjoy the present.

Don't make excuses. To become better than those around them, people often try to find excuses and explanations for their actions. Such “feats” help people when someone criticizes them. Get rid of emotional needs. Admit that you are an ordinary person. Don't build a defense of your superiority using excuses. Let only the facts remain, try to convey them calmly and confidently. Learn to build a dialogue and end it only when both you and your partner are satisfied.

Understand that everything material is considered temporary. Realize that everything in this world that is given to us is only temporary. The car may break down over time, the clothes may wear out. Are you really devoting maximum time and effort to achieving selfish goals? Understand that it is important that your loved ones, relatives and friends are near you. Everything else will work out for you when you have support and support.

Help your loved ones. Selfishness can feed on our feelings of pleasure that people receive from good. Such a benefit replaces the desire to achieve something new. This is how the life of an egoist who follows material goals advances. If you change, you will feel like a happy person. You will be able to help your family achieve their goals.

Achieve an idyll in relationships by getting rid of selfishness Don’t forget that creating ideal relationships with people is only possible if you can develop adequate self-esteem and get rid of selfishness. Develop an understanding of your importance, but do not exaggerate it. Review your usual scenarios of superiority over your family. When you communicate with someone, do it as equals, respect others, their rules and opinions. This way you can overcome selfishness and create a pleasant environment for yourself and those around you.

How to identify an egoist in a relationship?

There are some signs by which you can identify an egoist in a relationship. Here are some of them:

Everything must be subject only to its conditions. He does not accept your rights to independence. He doesn't consider your plans or your time

He doesn't take into account your efforts and emotional needs. Without his prior approval, you cannot spend your leisure time as you see fit.

Your partner will decide where you go, who you date, and what you do. He doesn’t care about your ideas - as a rule, they are constantly criticized or ignored. If you feel all this in your life, there is no doubt that you are being shamelessly taken advantage of. There cannot be a real relationship when one is not ready to sacrifice something for the other or make compromises.

A selfish person in a relationship produces continuous negative emotions. You are constantly neglected, condemned, criticized, often sarcastically, in a word, simply “drowned” in negativity. Isn't this pure selfishness? Warm, trusting relationships cannot be built on such a negative basis. In addition, often such a person does not want to get rid of egoism at all. He is satisfied with everything in this life.

All efforts are only from you. If you do not feel any effort or effort on the part of your partner in the relationship, it means that he is not interested in anything. He seems to be alienated. Please note: if you are the one who does not take time into account to maintain a relationship, spends your money and energy, and your loved one is passive, then you have something to think about - this is how selfish people behave in relationships. If he doesn’t want to spend any of his energy, time, or money to build a relationship, then why should you do all this?

Only you try

A man who is selfish in a relationship does not take your relationship seriously. Your partner never says the phrase: “This is my girlfriend/his boyfriend,” because he does not see anything serious in your connection. If you raise the question of changes in your relationship, then you immediately feel a wave of tension from him or he simply remains silent. From this we can conclude that either the continuation of the relationship between you is a burden to him, or its development is not a priority for him. In this case, there are two options for events: insist on what you want or break up.
You notice flirting with others. There is a category of people who, through flirting, make people of the opposite sex laugh. This will not surprise or upset their partners, because... they know this feature. Only in this case can flirting be justified; in other situations it is usually a manifestation of infidelity and selfishness. After all, a person doesn’t care about your feelings and how unpleasant it will be for you to flirt with someone else.

A selfish person doesn't care about your feelings

From 4 to 6 years

The child develops empathy. Gradually he manages to put himself in the shoes of others and understand what reactions they may cause. For example, if he sees his friend sad, he invites them to play their favorite game together. Over time, he realizes that each child in his environment reacts differently and adapts his behavior according to his interactions with others. Also at this age, the child acquires the ability to understand that loans are returned. He knows that the toy belongs to him, and if he borrows it, he will get it back.