Update 08/10/2020 - Video added.??
When your friend suddenly cuts you out of their life, it's infuriating. Especially if he does not explain his decision. You try to understand why, but you'll never know for sure, and that only makes your heart feel worse.
Today we will look at this problem in detail and try to look at the situation sensibly. I'll tell you seven (7!) reasons why a friend might want to stop communicating with you without explaining his decision. In addition, I will give basic advice on what you can do in this situation. In conclusion, I will tell you what you can do if, even after reading this article, you still experience negative emotions and want to stop worrying about it.
Let's start by clarifying what you mean by “for no reason.”
Make an agreement with yourself
In some situations, it is useful to come to an agreement with yourself. For example, if you live alone but want to find someone close to you, you will have to force yourself to attend public events. It makes sense to decide in advance how often you can go out - once a week, month or quarter. Once the quota is met, you will have the right to stay at home without suffering from remorse.
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Or, let’s say you dream of starting your own company and working from home. In this case, you need to spend some time establishing business relationships. Make the following agreement with yourself: once a week you will attend an event and make one useful acquaintance. On other days, you can relax and live as you wish.
Caution - high voltage!
The third gear is anger. Here you need to be angry and swear at those who are wrong. Not this friend of yours, but some asshole who took the plane and landed it on a house - a lot of victims! What an asshole, these guys should be shot! Or the asshole cut you off on the road, you freak! He needs to have his balls amputated!
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The emotion of anger is a very important emotion. If a person passes it, then he is already out. From there he can handle it himself. We talked to him like this, scolded some idiot. He may be a normal guy, but for the good of the matter, we now need to find some kind of scapegoat. You're not going to actually catch him and hit him, right?
You just need to scratch someone's tail, just so that your friend comes out of fear and starts getting angry, like being angry in a normal way. Here, by the way, be careful, because he can hit you with his fist and fight with you in a serious way. This is such a difficult 3rd gear. But you need to get your friend out.
And then you need to switch to argument, disagreement, you should be against. Now, they don’t understand anything about economics, how is this possible, they’re just idiots! They dropped all the salaries below the plinth... And so he joins you and also begins to tell you what radishes they are, everything needs to be redone, they don’t understand anything - their hands are growing out of the wrong place!
This is how he becomes a convinced debater, a dissenter. The main thing is not to argue with him, but with someone else. Choose a target for criticism and have fun with this whipping dummy. Aunt Klava, she’s always screwing the light bulb in the wrong place!
Which doctor should I contact?
This condition cannot be left to chance. To overcome apathy, you need to step over shame and shyness and turn to a specialist. You can consult a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist.
A psychologist has knowledge in this area and can give basic advice, but this specialist is not competent enough to make a diagnosis and prescribe medication. If the psychologist sees a problem, he refers the patient to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. It is important to put aside all prejudices and stereotypes, because these specialists are visited not only by mentally ill people, but also by mentally healthy people. In addition, a psychiatrist can treat insomnia, various phobias, epilepsy and other diseases.
Tragic events
It happens that strong shocks occur in our lives. The death of loved ones or relatives, betrayal of a loved one or separation from him, serious injuries and disabilities - all this affects the emotional state. Any incidents that can affect the way of life deprive you of strength and force you to give up.
Apathy and a feeling of helplessness fetter a person in all spheres of his life. To accept what happened and come to your senses, a lot of time must pass after experiencing grief.
Your mental state leaves much to be desired
If for a long time the prospect of communicating with people important to you makes you afraid, it may be worth talking to a specialist.
“Everyone feels depressed or anxious from time to time,” Jarko says. But there are certain signs that should make you worry.
“There are three factors to consider: when the feeling occurs, how often, and how negatively it affects your life,” she adds.
When it's not about you
In my opinion, most of the reasons why a friend stopped communicating with you can be attributed to this category. After all, if you were at fault (allegedly), most likely your friend would have made it clear to you.
I suspect we are dealing with one of the following reasons. Let's start with the most offensive and end with the most harmless.
A friend is having a hard time in life
I would venture to suggest that every person in their life experiences periods (sometimes tense ones) when communicating with friends is almost the last thing they want to do. Often such periods prompt them to withdraw from people in general and/or cut off all but necessary contact.
Here I can speak from personal experience. About 8 years ago I had a period of intense work that lasted about six months. Around the moment I started it, as a result of a deep immersion in the lair of my “cockroaches,” I was covered in a rather serious depressive state, against the background of which I did not want to communicate with friends. For me, friends turned into the embodiment of those cockroaches with whom I “waged war.”
The last thing I wanted at that time in my life was to have to explain why I didn’t want to continue communicating with my friends. Frankly, it probably wasn't necessary - I was acting like a moody asshole, and I wouldn't want to be friends with myself. But anyway, I left most of the relationships quietly.
You are subconsciously influenced by memes about introverts
We all know them: “Sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come” and other jokes like that. In social psychology, changing behavior under pressure from others is called conformity.
On the one hand, these memes encourage people to pay more attention to their mental health and stay home during the pandemic. On the other hand, they force you to move even further away from your friends.
“Everything we see is deposited in our subconscious. When we see memes about canceling plans, we can't help but think that it's normal and that everyone does it, explains Henderson. “Then, when it comes time to choose whether to go out with friends or stay home, we decide that relaxing alone is the right choice.”
People who criticize you
Of course, friends exist to tell you the truth, but when such truth-tellers begin to regularly criticize you, this will lead to nothing but low self-esteem. Such a person will prove to you that you behaved incorrectly in this or that situation, dressed incorrectly, went to the wrong place on vacation, or look bad. “This “friend” just wants to assert himself at your expense,” explains Klimov. “As a result, he will succeed, and you will develop complexes.”
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Your values change
Relationships with people—more specifically, a sense of belonging—are important to us throughout our lives. However, the need for communication differs significantly depending on the individual and what stage of life he is currently in.
“Some people need a small circle of friends and family, while others need a lot of acquaintances,” Henderson says. “But whatever the need for communication, there are moments when a person is satisfied with his social circle, and moments when he wants to see his friends more often.”
For example, the desire to spend more time with friends often arises after breaking up with a partner.
“Sometimes a person becomes an extrovert or an introvert due to circumstances,” says Matthews. “Priorities change based on needs, and needs change over time.”
If you're thinking about canceling plans, it's worth first deciding how exactly you're going to use your time if you stay home.
“If a person declines invitations, it may mean they want to focus on family, school, self-care, or spiritual development,” explains Matthews. — You should not interpret refusal to spend time together as a manifestation of indifference to friends. There are times in most people's lives when other things come first."
You lie to yourself about your relationships with friends.
While not wanting to spend time with your friends doesn't necessarily mean you're not interested in them, it's possible that your relationships with them simply no longer bring you joy.
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“There are people with whom we continue to be ‘friends’ out of habit, but every time we spend time with them we feel disappointed,” says Jarko. — Telling a friend that it’s time to break up is not easy. It's much easier to stick to plans you're not excited about."
If you dread meeting a certain person every time, or feel exhausted and irritable afterwards, it's possible that you no longer need this friendship and it's time to part ways.
How to pray for a friend if you don’t want to?
Prayer is an expression of love. It happens that you don’t want to not only pray for a person, but even think about them. I also have such situations. However, Christ teaches us to love not only those who are unpleasant, but even our enemies. Loving is hard. This is a lot of work, a lot of responsibility and a lot of sacrifice. To love is to pray and humble yourself. Prayer is work, and a lot of it. Yes, it happens that you don’t want to pray for a person, but if I consider myself a Christian, then I have to think: am I always pleasing to God? Do I please Him in all my habits and actions? The Lord loves us all, regardless of our behavior. We are His children, but this does not mean that we have nothing to reproach for. If we begin to be critical of ourselves, then we will be able to pray for the person who today (I emphasize - today) is unpleasant to us.
There is no need to kneel, make a hundred bows and read several akathists. It is enough to submit his name for commemoration at the liturgy, remember him during the home prayer rule, and say: “God, be merciful to him!” Praying for friends and not being selfish is the duty of every person who considers himself a Christian. Prayer must be heartfelt, otherwise it is not prayer. At one time, Saint Paisius the Svyatogorets said that if you simply read prayers and their words do not reach your heart, then you are simply draining your batteries for nothing. There is no benefit from such prayers. Pray simply: “Lord, save and have mercy on so and so,” “God, give this person reason.” It's enough.
People with whom you are friends by inertia
Often people carry friendship throughout their lives - from school to old age. But it also happens that with age, interests begin to differ, people’s priorities and character change. “You don’t need to be friends with someone just out of habit,” says Klimov. – In childhood, our social circle is limited to the yard and school, but when we grow up, we can make any acquaintances, distance ceases to be a hindrance. Don't be afraid that you can't find a common language with an old friend. This is fine. Communicate only with those with whom you are truly interested."
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You're out of habit
The longer we don't do something, the harder it is to return to it later. Communication is no exception.
“When we are young, most of us socialize and meet friends regularly,” Jarko says. “But as we get older, we begin to communicate less often.”
The less often we communicate, the more effort it requires. And the lack of recent positive experience of meeting with friends makes us refuse the next ones.
“Every time we make a choice, we are guided by past experience,” continues Jarko. But if we read or watch TV alone too often, we begin to associate positive emotions primarily with our home.
