According to statistics, more than 73% of couples divorce due to lack of mutual understanding. The registry office provides frightening statistics, because this is the percentage among those who have been married for less than a year. Often such problems concern not only married couples, but also lovers who cannot find mutual understanding in their relationships. Hence the quarrels, scandals, ridiculous accusations and constant disputes about primacy, who did more or less for each other.
Psychologists believe that the problem lies in the upbringing and family of each person. She becomes the prototype of a relationship to be emulated. Character and thoughts, actions and arguments also influence the behavior of spouses, however, not a single reason for misunderstanding led to divorce.
Silence about important things is the cause of misunderstanding between partners
Lack of communication in a couple can be a very important problem. The fact is that none of us can read another person's mind. If we do not voice some of our thoughts or desires, then our partner may not know that we wanted something. Therefore, if you want to understand your soulmate and be heard yourself, talk to each other.
Communication in a couple is important both when solving everyday issues and in order to understand the opinions and feelings of a loved one. It also helps with intimate life. By and large, partners need communication everywhere. But silencing your feelings and emotions leads to the fact that the connection in the couple is lost.
Poor or lack of communication can result in a husband or wife withdrawing from family life. Also, partners may not have common hobbies. And someone else will be forced to “drag” the family on themselves. Equally bad is that the partners will no longer be able to express their love for each other.
By the way, betrayals also happen due to misunderstandings. If at first a person was in love and was going to live with a partner all his life, and then suddenly found someone on the side, then this is precisely the problem.
Why does misunderstanding arise?
The categorical nature of many people and the lack of desire to accept or hear another point of view leads to conflict situations. Misunderstanding is the path to hostility, and the reason for its occurrence is a passionate desire to win in any dispute or to impose on others that you are right. Misunderstandings between people are vividly described in literature, and the examples given there show that being overwhelmed by pride only leads to a narrowing of one’s horizons.
Why did we stop talking to each other?
It would seem, how can this be: people are in a relationship, live together, love each other, but at the same time they may not communicate? But this is not only possible, but also quite common. This is especially true for couples who have been together for a long time. The passion disappears, and they suddenly discover that they are very distant from each other.
Let's look at common reasons why we don't hear each other:
- You simply have nothing to say to each other. It seems to you that you already know everything about your partner, and he already knows everything about you. In practice, this often turns out not to be the case, but instead of understanding, boredom appears in your relationship.
- You or your partner are simply getting offended instead of talking. What is the result? Scandal. But a simple conversation can solve the problem.
- Psychological pressure (“abuse”). The victim eventually begins to think that there is actually something wrong with him. This effect is achieved in different ways: constant silence, devaluing statements, mistrust, and also rude jokes.
Psychological violence is unacceptable. If you feel like this is showing up in your relationship, it's likely that you need to save yourself, not the relationship. If the situation is absolutely unhealthy, then you need to get out of such a relationship, no matter how difficult it is for you. Well, if everything is not so scary, but there is a misunderstanding, you can work with it. For example, by visiting a psychologist or on your own.
What is mutual understanding
Mutual understanding is the ability of people to accept each other’s point of view when communicating, to take into account the interests and characteristics of the other party, even if they contradict their own. The task is sometimes difficult, but necessary. This is the basis of effective and pleasant relationships without conflicts and mutual reproaches, relationships that you want to continue and improve.
When there is no mutual understanding, this leads to negative emotions, problems in achieving common goals, quarrels and deterioration of relationships. Moreover, the lack of mutual understanding can be between someone specific (spouses, parents and children, manager and subordinate, etc.), and with people in general: I don’t understand them, they don’t understand me.
In any case, this situation is unpleasant not only because it happens, but also because it is not clear how to resolve it. “Why did he say that, act that way? What did he expect from me? Why doesn't he even try to hear me? How should I behave with him?
Why is there no mutual understanding?
How to achieve mutual understanding in a relationship if everyone wants to get their own?
For example, a married couple cannot agree on how to spend a joint vacation. A woman so wants to break out of her boring routine - to go on a trip somewhere, see interesting places, get distracted, get new impressions. Doesn’t her husband understand how great this will be and how much she needs it?! And for him there is nothing sweeter than a quiet holiday at home. Finally, I have the opportunity to relax, sit at home on the couch or at the computer for my own pleasure, and watch a bunch of movies or sports matches. And she’s dragging him somewhere!
And this happens in any area of life. For example, between generations, when parents are outraged by the fact that their child sits at the computer all day or immersed in the phone. “At your age, we’ve never been anywhere! We constantly talked with friends, walked, played football, went to the movies, and went hiking. But you don’t even see life! You’ll be completely dumbfounded by your gadgets!” And in response: “You don’t understand anything! It’s a different time now, everyone lives like that.”
But I really want to get along with loved ones or the right people. It’s one thing when interests, goals, and outlooks on life are similar. This makes it much easier to find mutual understanding and come to a common decision, avoiding conflict. And if the worldview is very different, even in small things, how does mutual understanding arise between such different people?
We have heard many times that everyone is different. But it can be difficult to perceive this in practice. This is because we naturally perceive others through ourselves and evaluate their words and actions based on personal beliefs, outlook on life, values, desires, and experience. And other people also evaluate us through themselves.
When our values and desires do not coincide, difficulties arise in mutual understanding. “How could he? I would never do that!”, “What kind of nonsense is on his mind!”, “He doesn’t understand anything!”
But if they are different, this does not mean that mutual understanding is unattainable. Building relationships is also a skill that can be mastered.
My wife doesn't understand me / my husband doesn't hear me
Even close people can find it difficult to understand each other. Moreover, it is more difficult for them to do this than for strangers. Are you familiar with the situation when you hold back in front of someone you don’t know well, while with your loved ones you lose your temper? This happens to most people because we try to show the “best version” of ourselves in front of strangers. And in front of loved ones? And they already know everything, so why hide it...
Due to the fact that we do not make efforts to reach a compromise in relationships, they collapse. Often a wife does not understand her husband, who, in turn, does not understand what is required of him. In the end, everyone remains offended. All this happens because men and women are very different in terms of their perception of life and relationships.
A woman is more susceptible to emotions; she focuses her attention on feelings. And she may try to convey them to her husband. He, in turn, may perceive this as a guide to action instead of being imbued with emotions. But when the husband tells his wife about his experiences, he does this with the help of facts and specific actions. And the wife looks for hints of feelings and emotions in his words.
As a result, neither side got what it wanted. Both remain misunderstood, but they also cannot admit it out loud. They think like this: they haven’t been understood once already, which means they won’t understand them a second time. So why escalate the situation? As a result, we have two people increasingly moving away from each other. But each of us needs understanding, regardless of gender.
Misunderstanding in relationships and rejection of others
Misunderstanding in a relationship is the inability to clearly express your desires and demands, the inability to hear and understand your spouse. Lack of effective communication skills.
People often confuse misunderstanding and rejection. The first is correctable, the second often causes divorces and separations.
Rejection in a relationship is the attribution of thoughts, feelings and desires to the spouse, hostility and disgust, and the unacceptability of certain forms of behavior and communication of the partner.
Misunderstanding between spouses often masks a deeper cause of conflict and rejection.
I draw your attention to 3 reasons for the “misunderstanding” of spouses in a relationship.
Talk about how you feel
If there is no understanding in your relationship, this does not mean that the situation is hopeless. She can be saved, but each of you will need to work on yourself. A wife will be able to achieve harmony in her relationship with her husband only if she begins to be the first to talk about what worries her. At the same time, she should be as specific as possible, and talk not only about her experiences as such, but also about options for action in order to improve the relationship. If she focuses more on facts and specifics, it will be easier for a man to understand what is required of him.
Why should a woman do it first? Actually, she shouldn't, but it's in her best interest. The fact is that men, as we have already written, do not understand hints. They will simply understand much later that something is wrong with their couple. Perhaps even when nothing else can be done. Men and women have different views of the world and ways of thinking. Therefore, they can perceive the same situation in completely different ways. And they may even consider some claim unfair, although it seems absolutely normal to the wife. For example, the phrase of wives “You don’t pay enough attention to me” often causes bewilderment among husbands.
Voice your desires and thoughts out loud
So how can you talk to your partner in order to convey your feelings to him? You need to try to look at the world through his eyes. Returning to the complaint above, it may seem unfair to the husband because, in his opinion, he already does a lot for his wife. And thereby expresses his love to her. For example, he works a lot, performs some of the household duties, and tries to buy her what she asks for. Why does she think that he doesn’t love her? What about attention? All he does all day long is pay attention to her desires. And that’s precisely why he works, does some of the housework.
To explain to her husband what a woman lacks, she needs to offer him something specific. Instead of “You’re not inviting me anywhere!” you need to say: “Let's go to a restaurant or a movie?” That is, a man should receive from a woman not complaints, but ideas about further actions. Men themselves will not guess about this simply because they are designed that way. There is only one way out - to voice everything out loud. Often - several times.
How to find wish points?2
Almost every guy has encountered misunderstandings from a woman. She asks for help with a headache, he goes for medicine. This is logical, only sometimes a woman with her requests hints at completely different actions. This is where the hard part begins:
- There are no rules and secret words that women use to communicate with each other or mock men;
- There are no phrases that mean something else;
- There are no clear timbres or tones that would indicate an alternative request.
Often men start looking for a catch when a girl asks for something. It’s too simple, tempting, or interesting, which means there’s a catch or a hidden theme somewhere. No, it’s just that girls sometimes get tired of fruitless hints and say everything directly. A man can do it his own way if taking out the trash seems too mundane to him. He’ll go buy groceries and medicine, but he won’t take out the trash.
Therefore, it is easier with them, especially when it comes to actions. But when a man is about to give a surprise, he behaves strangely, and the girls see it. Either it’s better to hide, or not to pretend. From the outside, the stupid creature strives to hit the female, trying to duck into corners, pretending to be a real secret agent.
Psychologists recommend going through several stages to find common points of “common ground” for understanding and strong relationships:
- Never remain silent about a problem. If a small lump grows to the size of a snowball, then scandals cannot be avoided. Quarrels begin, and the spouses remind each other of what they did not know about because of the vow of silence.
- Always talk and learn new events from each other's lives. This way, everyone will be able to see the satellite’s behavior in a given situation. If he is angry, and the day before they talked about a reprimand from his superiors, we can already assume the reasons for his behavior.
- Always tell the truth about your desires. This applies to women. A man perceives the words of a request as a whole, without questioning his guesses. Women are more likely to pay attention to detail. If it seems to him that he understands perfectly, let him remain unconvinced. Next time you need to chew your wishes in detail. It's boring, yes. I wish he could read minds. Alas, in real life this is impossible.
- Scandals can be avoided through negotiations. Everyone says what they don't like. The decision is made in a day, when both have sex with this thought.
Sometimes women do not agree with the opinion of their spouses, which is why they begin to plan revenge. A cold dish is served at the most inopportune time, when he cannot even think, for which he received a portion of insults and insults. Here, as mentioned above, the first stage of snowball growth begins.
Don't give hints, answer directly
When talking to a man, a woman needs to remember that he does not understand when she speaks in hints. A man can only solve those problems and issues that are clearly outlined to him. Of course, if he doesn't see them himself. Besides, guys rarely understand things intuitively like girls. But at the same time they want emotional stability. But if they are attacked, they will defend themselves rudely.
At the same time, women themselves are subject to frequent mood swings. They have developed intuition, so they are good at recognizing changes in the behavior of others. In addition, they need frequent changes of emotions, but at the same time they are more open to dialogue and are able to multitask. One more point: it is women who most often set the vector for relationships in a couple.
You need to take these features into account in order to build a dialogue with your partner. If you are a woman and can easily understand what they want from you, then this is not available to a man. Men often say everything directly, and this can hurt a woman. Try to think about how to convey your thoughts to your partner in “his language.” That is, taking into account how he can understand what you said.
