No matter how much they talk about “civilized” divorces, very rarely this event goes smoothly, without emotions and accusations. Few people manage to calmly survive such drastic changes in life.
Many women ask the question: why does their ex-husband not want to communicate? Sometimes a lady tries with all her might to maintain the appearance of a good relationship, and the ex-husband prevents this. Let's try to figure out why this happens.
Why don't people want to communicate after they get divorced?
Former partners are not always ready to communicate with each other. For women, the reasons for their reluctance to maintain contact may be :
- Cheating on a former partner (especially if this was the reason for the separation).
- Fear of an abusive man.
- The rapid start of a new relationship (then the presence of a past partner in life complicates their construction).
- Strong resentment and unexpressed painful emotions towards a man.
The reasons for men are partly similar, but they also have their own subtleties:
- A feeling of resentment disguised as a mask of pride.
- The desire to start new relationships and “burn bridges.”
- A partner’s behavior pattern that is toxic for a man (hence the reluctance to continue communication).
Breaking up a relationship is always stressful. If a person feels that he does not want to maintain contact with his ex-partner, then he must honestly say so. Otherwise, interaction between people will be accompanied by additional tension.
Burnt Bridges
Divorce happens for many reasons.
In some families it is caused by infidelity, in others by money issues, in others by alcohol, and so on. So why do you want to continue communicating with a person who did not value you and your feelings? Perhaps you voice the following reasons to others:
- High relationships
- you believe that civilized people should save face even after a breakup. Then remember that such an outcome is only possible if both partners have the same intentions. If a man has no thoughts about further cooperation, then his opinion should be respected. - The desire to take care of your ex-husband
- you think that he needs your help, since he is completely helpless in the face of everyday difficulties. In such cases, the behavior of the ex-husband is understandable - he is trying to protect himself from the control of a woman who is completely alien to him. - Beneficial friendship
- you are sure that a good relationship can bring you some bonuses over time. For example, solve financial difficulties or advance your career. If your intentions are obvious to your ex-husband, he may feel that he is being used. Don't be surprised if he immediately disappears from sight and stops answering calls. - Household issues
– does your home constantly have accidents or is it in need of minor repairs? When a handyman lives nearby for many years in a row, a woman gets used to not noticing current problems. Therefore, out of habit, she turns to her ex-husband for help. If your ex-spouse has a new passion, then he is unlikely to care about your problems. To avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary insults, it is better to call a paid specialist from the relevant organization to your home.
Do not forget that a man can avoid communicating with his ex-wife if she seeks to get him back and comes up with new ways of manipulation. In this case, he tries to minimize communication and break all ties in one fell swoop.
Reasons to keep in touch
If people do not have hidden grievances and claims towards each other, then they can freely maintain communication on a friendly or even friendly level.
It is also possible to identify a number of factors based on which continued interaction is recommended:
- Having common minor children.
- Material dependence on each other.
- Strong interpersonal intimacy.
The last point is worth mentioning separately, since the end of a relationship does not always mean conflict . Sometimes people switch to the status of partners from friendship, but do not agree on everyday life or values. In this case, they disperse peacefully, but can confidently continue communication at the level of friends.
Problems communicating with exes
But communication between former partners always proceeds smoothly. People face psychological barriers and difficulties:
- Unspoken mutual grievances . Negative emotional baggage creates tension in communication.
- Unrealistic expectations . It happens that one of the participants in communication hopes to restore the previous status of the relationship. He expects the other to take a step forward, but when this does not happen, additional painful experiences arise. There should be no misunderstandings between former partners. Otherwise, you can forget about honest, friendly communication.
- Different levels of sincerity . If one person shares everything that happens in his life, and the other is not ready for this, then the likelihood of conflict increases.
- Misunderstanding of new roles . When people build close relationships, they are responsible for each other. Moving to another level, a person may not understand how to structure his behavior now. Therefore, such moments need to be discussed.
- Risk of psychological traumatization of the child . Children are susceptible to any changes. If parents were together for a long time and then separated, this causes serious psychological damage to the child’s psyche. In such cases, working with a family psychologist is recommended.
This article tells more about how girls can communicate with their exes, and here are tips for men.
Responsibility for actions
Men who avoid responsibility either have problems with alcohol and drugs, or have new relationships in which the woman forbids the man to fulfill his fatherly duty and see his son and daughter.
In such cases, the right option for the wife would be to file a lawsuit and generally prohibit the man from seeing his son. Very often this technique works and men return to the family, realizing what they had and almost lost. All situations that arise in the family should not be kept silent. Be sure to talk through problems and look for solutions together. It is worth remembering that relationships are hard work on both sides. Be friends and lovers. Be interested in each other's hobbies and passions. Do not hesitate to contact family psychologists. Psychological practice shows that 80% of couples who turned to professional help avoided divorce.
Ignore
Ignoring your ex-partner can come in two forms.:
- Sincere reluctance to continue communication.
- A form of passive aggression.
In both cases, the person hides his real experiences . This may be due to fear of a reaction to his words, or it may be a sign of complete emotional cooling towards another person. In any case, this is the behavior of an immature person. Conflicts and misunderstandings are resolved only through dialogue.
Read more about ignoring after a breakup here.
Interaction Models
People behave differently in similar situations. The case of separation is no exception. In view of the variety of reactions to stress, the skill of working with painful feelings and the general level of social courage, we can highlight:
- The "victim" position. Such a person will be convinced that the separation is not his fault. He sees his ex-partner in the role of an offender who must make amends to him.
It is difficult to communicate with such a model, since here we are talking about constant passive aggression.
- The "good guy" or "good girl" model . After a breakup, such people put on a mask that everything is fine. No matter what emotional storms occur within, a person in such a model will play the role of a positive and kind friend.
- The “nothing happened” attitude . This is partly similar to the previous point, but if in that case a positive mask is put on, then here the mask of indifference is tried on. The person shows with all his appearance that after the breakup he is not worried at all, and therefore calmly continues to communicate.
- Ignoring model . Such a person will not necessarily avoid communication completely. But it can be completely reactive, that is, it can make contact only when initiated from the other side.
- Healthy model . Something to strive for. Two people are honest with each other, each has dealt with their own complaints and painful feelings, and communication is built on a level that is convenient for both.
If we talk about gender differences, women are more likely to have a “victim” and ignoring model, while men are more likely to have a “nothing happened” attitude.
How long does it take for a man to become bored after a breakup?
Here again it all comes down to who is to blame for the breakup. If you are, then he will never start to get bored. There are plenty of young girls without you. He will find someone who will not blow his mind or betray him. If you kicked him out, he will start to get bored and write you SMS or posts the very next day. It's been tested, believe me.
He’ll also come home with a bouquet and repentance, like he really misses me and wants to bring me back.
Here it is up to you to decide whether to forgive or not. Personally, I gave only 1 chance and with the condition of working off karma in various ways, sometimes not very pleasant. What if he truly loves you and will do anything? But no, good riddance, I’m a prominent girl, I’ll find a groom quickly.
Rules of conduct: how to behave?
The most important and basic rule: do not stir up the past!
Healthy communication after a breakup is only possible when both people have firmly decided that their communication is now only friendly. Any attempts to remember the past are guaranteed to lead to internal or external conflict.
Other rules include:
- Do not show excessive interest in the personal life of your ex-partner.
- Do not interrupt the rhythm of a person’s life with sudden calls or visits.
- Work with negative experiences in a timely manner and do not dump them on a person.
It is also important to consider the level of trust in communication. You should not tell a person in detail about your problems if he clearly shows a desire to keep his distance.
The correct behavior for women after a breakup is discussed in this article, and from this material you will learn about how a man should behave after a breakup.
Conversation based on Miller's dream book
Talking in a dream, according to Miller’s dream book, means a deterioration in the health of a loved one. If the dreamer has outlined new beginnings, it is worth postponing this matter for some time or reconsidering the ways of implementation, since the dream brings with it failures in endeavors and activities.
Conduct a dialogue with God or an angel - to condemnation and frustration of plans. A conversation with a rival in a dream that ends in reconciliation promises success in new endeavors and career advancement. A conversation with your ex in a raised voice is a symbol of positive changes in your destiny. A conversation about money leads to worries in the financial sphere.
Who did you talk to in your dream?
For a woman, talking in a dream promises gossip behind her back.
Correspondence rules
They directly intersect with the rules of communication:
- Do not write sudden messages without a good reason . This is perceived as an invasion of privacy.
- Choose one messenger or one social network. A person should have the right not to answer if he is in a non-resource state.
This is especially true for cases where the breakup was painful.
- Don't ignore . This is a very unpleasant form of passive aggression that should be avoided at all costs. If there is no opportunity or desire to correspond right now, it is better to write this to the person directly and disconnect.
You will learn more about correspondence after a breakup from this article.
In bed with ex-husband
There may be several reasons for this. For women this is usually :
- Increased feeling of loneliness.
- The desire to feel the same feelings.
- Desire to restore relationships.
For men, reasons for sleeping with an ex-partner may include::
- An acute feeling of rejection (as a result, a desire to regain lost intimacy).
- Depressed emotional state.
Sex with a former partner in any case acts as compensation for something . This may be a way to cope with painful emotions or an escape from dissatisfaction with life. This interpretation does not mean that this kind of thing needs to be nipped in the bud. If both people are satisfied with everything, they do not create illusions about the prospects and do not experience discomfort, then this may become a temporary solution.
This solution should only be temporary! Otherwise, intimacy will develop into a surrogate of intimacy, which will prevent people from starting to build something new.
But such relationships require a high level of consciousness and trust from both participants. Even if everyone is happy with everything, boundaries and rules must be discussed in advance:
- Nobody has any illusions. Sleeping without a relationship is only possible if none of the participants hopes for a continuation.
If at least one person continues to expect something more, physical intimacy is contraindicated.
- You can start a relationship . It is important that the former partner does not become jealous. If it occurs, then such interaction must be stopped.
- State clearly why this is needed . Both people must be aware of why they decided to interact in this way. There should be no “pitfalls” in the form of hidden feelings and understatements.
- Specifying approximate deadlines . Both the man and the woman must clearly understand that this is just a temporary way out of stress for both. There should be an approximate time frame within which this type of relationship will take place.
But even if you follow the most correct rules, there is no guarantee that sex will not bring painful experiences. If this happens, then contact must be interrupted. At a minimum, do this for a while, and then continue to communicate without intimacy.
For women in such a situation, we can recommend:
- Find other support in life instead of the one provided by your ex-partner. It is important for a woman to feel supported in life. When the support disappears, there is an unconscious impulse to cling to it again. In such a situation, you need to look for what can, at least for the first time, replace the feeling of reliability from a man. This could be parents or other close relatives or friends.
- Work through your feelings for your ex-partner. If you feel empty after sex with your ex-partner, it means there are still expectations for him. Expectations come from unprocessed feelings. A visit to a psychologist in such a situation is strictly recommended.
For men, the recommendations will be as follows::
- Find an activity that will fill you with internal resources. It could be your favorite job or hobby. After the loss of a relationship, a man needs to be filled with energy from other sources.
- Deal with feelings. This is just as important for a man as it is for a woman. Working with a psychologist will not be superfluous for him either.
There is an opinion that men are less sensitive than women. Statistically, this is true, but in practice, society has a whole layer of male representatives who do not know how to hear and understand their feelings. This state of affairs needs to change. And a psychologist is just the specialist who will help a man learn to look into his experiences.
If a man and a woman, despite all the discomfort that arises, continue to meet for the sake of intimacy, then they risk facing the consequences:
- Chronic feeling of depression.
- A surrogate for intimacy that does not allow you to build real intimacy.
- Increasing negative feelings towards the ex-partner.
In most cases, sex with an ex-partner will lead to exactly these results, especially if such a relationship has dragged on for a long time.
How long does it take for a man to get back after a breakup?
If this is an adult man, then yes, he will need some time to comprehend everything. This young man with his tongue hanging out and dripping saliva will be hiding tomorrow.
This is not the case with adult men. They think in contrast to them with their heads up.
Compatibility test
Find out if you are compatible with this test. Maybe the reason for your divorce lies here? COMPATIBILITY TEST
Therefore, be patient, don’t rush him, don’t be annoying. Just both take a break. Understand your feelings. Maybe it's really better for you to separate.
On a note. Again, based on my experience, I will tell you that this takes no more than 2 weeks. This is the period you can count on. If less, good. If more than 14-15 days have already passed, then most likely he will never return. You can safely go out on the hunter’s path.
Separated, but live together
This is a very stressful situation, a way out of which must be sought first. But it is not always possible to move quickly. At first, to maintain well-being for a woman, we can recommend :
- Spend as little time as possible on the shared territory.
- Place a “transparent wall” between yourself and the man (when a person is visible and heard, but has no influence on the feelings of the other).
- Divide household responsibilities in such a way that everyone meets their own needs.
- If strong emotions arise, deal with them in a safe way (write an angry letter, cry alone, etc.).
I can recommend it to a man:
- Perceive a woman as a neighbor (the “transparent wall” technique will be relevant here too).
- Take out anger and other painful experiences outside the home (the gym or any other physical activity will do).
- Set boundaries if a woman begins to enter into conflict.
