Why didn’t anyone tell me in my twenties, when I passionately dreamed of becoming a mother, that motherhood is an endless provocation? And why didn’t I come across a single correct article about how you can experience anger towards your child as often as you can experience transcendental love?
No, of course, I wouldn’t change my mind about giving birth. But I would be ready.
And although I would not have avoided a single minute of my life, which I had and will remain with me now forever. But I would be calm that she is not the only one - a terrible, terrible, disgusting mother who must be isolated from the child, otherwise both of them will die. He is from the consequences of her anger. It comes from the subsequent feeling of guilt.
But no one told me anything like that, and I didn’t come across any such articles until my son grew up, and I grew stronger in spirit over the years and, finally, read all the things that I no longer care about. there was no point.
Although a logical and understandable explanation appeared for everything that had been devouring me from the inside for many years, forcing me to self-destruct and slowly go crazy.
Therefore, I want to tell all future and current mothers about the other side of “rainbows and ponies.”
Causes
You may already be familiar with the phrase “mom calls me names and screams,” but have you ever wondered why this happens?
- Manifestation of fatigue. This can be both a consequence of mental and physical stress. A woman begins to scream when the child does not obey or acts out of spite.
- Feeling guilty before the baby or husband. A woman may be angry with herself for not keeping track, but the baby went in the wrong place and something happened to him. Often a woman in such a situation will begin to raise her voice at the baby, although, in fact, this comes from her own sense of guilt.
- Shifting the negative. A mother may yell at a teenager for being slow to clean up after a flood, when the real culprit is the neighbor who flooded you. Also, a woman can show her aggression towards a person who is nearby if she was unable to answer the offender to his face.
- A state of dissatisfaction with one's social needs. Sometimes a woman can blame everything on the baby, because of whose birth she lost the opportunity to build a career, or in the absence of a husband, difficulties arise in finding a new partner.
- Limitation on actions. A mother may take it out on her child because his appearance interferes with her normal lifestyle. Therefore, he gets angry and takes out his anger.
- Bad mood, the baby falls under the hot hand.
- Consequences of hormonal imbalance in the body.
- Shouting in response to a child’s disobedience when other methods do not help.
Can a child be removed from the family if his parents scold him in a raised voice?
A child can be taken away if there is an immediate threat to his life or health - this is the norm in Article 77 of the Family Code. The article does not explain what exactly is considered an immediate threat, that is, this decision remains at the discretion of the guardianship authorities.
In addition, the police can pick up a child if he is found to be neglected. Sometimes the police believe that a child is neglected even when the parents are nearby - if, in the opinion of the police, the parents are not able to supervise the child.
If a child is taken away, the guardianship authorities are required to draw up an act and, within a few days, notify the prosecutor's office and submit to the court an application for deprivation or restriction of parental rights.
If a “neglected” child is removed, then it is not necessary to demand deprivation of parental rights: when the police find the parents (or the ability to look after the child returns to the existing ones), the child returns to the family.
The likelihood of seizure without serious grounds is very low. But it exists, because there are no clear rules for removal, and guardianship officers may make the wrong decision.
Consequences for the child's psyche
The child will grow up withdrawn and be afraid to live
- When a mother yells at her baby, this contributes to the development of mistrust both in the parents and in any surrounding individuals.
- The child understands that if his mother offends him, it means that other people will also behave this way towards him.
- A full awareness is formed that no one can be trusted.
- The baby becomes withdrawn, rarely smiles, is in constant anxiety, may cry for no reason, becomes nervous, sleeps poorly, lives in constant fear, and does not expect anything good.
- There may be a complete change in behavior. So a child who is often shouted at can turn from an obedient child into a bully.
- A child who wants to please his mother, so as not to cause her attacks of anger, begins to lie and cheat.
- If raised by shouting, the toddler will begin to obey everyone who raises their voice at him.
- A child who grows up with constant screaming will carry this pattern of behavior into his adult life, which will make it difficult for him to communicate with people and complicate the process of creating his own family. Most likely, such a person will start yelling at his children.
- An adult child will be afraid of failure. There will be a lack of self-confidence and fear of taking responsibility for one’s actions.
Why you shouldn’t humiliate and call a child names
If some are “violet” and do not particularly react to parental attacks, then the psyche of others is irreversibly deformed. This is where “wolf cubs” appear, driven into a corner, “rags” who allow themselves to be pushed around, neurasthenics who subsequently poison the lives of both themselves and those around them.
Violence is not always the same as physical violence; moral humiliation puts no less pressure on the child. It would seem that the mother is calling him names, but then she will say something nice, nothing terrible. Only this is an illusion. An heir who regularly listens to unflattering “compliments” is unlikely to grow into a happy, self-sufficient person.
This is what tough parental “love” can entail:
- depressingly low self-esteem;
- inability to make decisions;
- inadequate response to criticism;
- lack of own opinion;
- retaliatory chilling cruelty;
- pathological fear of the future;
- unreasonable regular lies;
- merging with the role of a mute victim;
- obvious mental disorders;
- desire to say goodbye to life.
The shocking statistics of absurd children's suicides speak for themselves. And most often the leading motive is not the lawlessness of under-teachers, but the “efforts” of parents. Okay, let’s ignore such a gloomy outcome; there are plenty of other factors listed. It is unlikely that truly loving parents dream of their heir’s nightmares, enuresis, public hysterics, complaints of poor health, wild antics supposedly for no reason, etc. You should not always blame external negative influences; sometimes it is enough to do psychological cleaning in your own family.
Methods to prevent mom's screaming
These methods are independent of the child. It is important that the mother either realizes the consequences of her actions and pulls herself together, or it is necessary to convey this information to relatives or mother’s friends so that they can influence her behavior and teach her how to restrain her emotions.
- Mom should imagine that it’s not hers, but someone else’s baby, she won’t raise her voice at the neighbor’s toddler.
- When emotions come flooding in, a woman should imagine that she is in the middle of the street, being looked at from all sides and judged.
- Let mom think that a hidden camera is hiding her. She doesn’t want to become famous throughout the country as a loud, angry woman.
- A woman who senses angry emotions approaching should make drastic changes in her behavior, such as starting a joke game.
Mom must understand that children behave in different ways at different ages. There is no need to be angry with a child who cannot sit still and constantly runs and jumps. You shouldn’t get angry at a toddler who forgot about the potty.
Mom screams over trifles - what to do?
It doesn’t matter whether it’s for trifles or not, you just can’t humiliate or beat anyone! So, specific recommendations.
- Firstly, it is advisable to understand why the mother screams or raises her hand in order to understand the nature of parental hysterics. Is the mother worried, afraid, tired? After all, rage is not an independent reaction, but a natural continuation of the primary emotion. For example, I was scared for the little one reaching for the socket and spanked him. She was offended by her teenage son for leaving dirty dishes and yelled. The daughter was jealous of her ex, with whom the girl was chatting sweetly on the phone - a thrashing was on the way.
- Or maybe the mother simply doesn’t know how the child is feeling at this time? The second thing that follows from this is that it needs to be conveyed. In simple words: “Mommy, when you scream, I get very scared. I’m starting to think that you don’t love me, that I’m bad, that no one needs me.” If the parent is adequate, then a soft, ingenuous monologue will make her think.
- Thirdly, you need to analyze your own behavior. Yes, the mother’s aggression is not justified by the laziness of the offspring, his insolence and endless “wants”, but deliberate provocations do not generate constructivism.
- Fourthly, it is necessary to find an adult (teacher, relative, coach, neighbor) who can understand children's grievances. It is an adult who inspires trust, and not a peer. A peer will not have enough life experience to resolve the situation, and the advice of some minor “psychologists” (“get out of the house”, “forget it”, “here, try this - you will forget your sorrows”) will only worsen the situation.
Unfortunately, the parent does not always want to change the scenario of the relationship with the child. It’s not easy - to work on yourself, control emotions, delve into youthful grievances. In such cases, the law provides for radical measures involving the intervention of competent authorities. Even a very small victim can turn to a social teacher, a juvenile affairs inspector, a guardian, a district police officer, or an ombudsman (regional defender of children's rights).
Attention, this is a really radical measure!
The application is guaranteed to be subject to comprehensive checks and serious monitoring, which may result in the removal of the minor from the family. Therefore, it is worth putting aside emotions and weighing whether the threat is real, whether it will be better in a government institution, whether situational resentment for harsh but fair parental punishment is driving?
Adviсe
How should a child behave in such a situation?
- Try to contain your resentment, it’s better to have pity on your mother. Perhaps you can guess why she behaves this way or realize your guilt in what happened.
- If you want screams to sound as little as possible in your house, as soon as your mother starts screaming, try to hug her and show her how much you love her. It is unacceptable to shout back, as you will only anger your mother. Better show her your respect and love.
- If she screams, don't be afraid to tell her that you understand her feelings, ask for forgiveness if there is fault.
- If you are already quite an adult, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother, find out what exactly worries her, and offer to cope with the current situation together.
- If screaming is a manifestation of despair, put yourself in your mother’s position, do everything not to provoke her, try to behave as best as possible, because she is already having difficult times. If her despair somehow depends on you, help her cope with it.
- If mom asks you to do something around the house, don’t be lazy, help her.
- If mom is in a bad mood, it’s better to just remain silent and let her talk it out. But, if your mother somehow turns to you, asks a question, answer, otherwise it will anger her even more.
- If your mother often allows herself to raise her voice, then it is better to develop a strong relationship between the scream and your exit from the room, until she begins to speak in a normal voice.
Now you know what can influence the fact that your mother constantly screams. Treat her with understanding and respect. Remember that instead of being offended, you need to analyze the situation, try to identify the reason why this is happening, try to understand. Don't hate your mother, try to become her best friend, a supporting shoulder and an adviser.
Is swearing considered child abuse in the eyes of the law?
The law protects the child from all forms of physical or psychological violence, insult or abuse, neglect or neglect, abuse or exploitation, including sexual abuse. It is assumed that the parents protect the child from this, and if the parents do not protect or are themselves to blame, the state intervenes.
However, there are no specific rules for determining what will be violence (or not) in everyday life. The main thing is causing mental or physical harm to the child. Harm as a basis for bringing liability can be either real (that is, the child has actually suffered from screaming) or potential.
A detailed description of violence is found only in criminal law. Criminal liability has been established for failure to fulfill parental responsibilities associated with child abuse. Abuse specifically: deprivation of food, shoes and clothing, gross violation of the daily routine determined by the psychophysiological needs of a child of a certain age, deprivation of sleep and rest, failure to comply with basic hygiene standards (resulting, for example, in head lice, scabies, etc.), failure to follow recommendations and doctor’s instructions for the prevention of diseases and treatment of the child, refusal or evasion of providing the child with necessary medical care, etc., as well as the use of unacceptable (in the legal and moral sense) methods of education and treatment of the child, including all types of mental, physical and sexual violence against children.
Mom and adult child - conflict under one roof
There are often cases of problematic relationships where adult children and their mothers play the main roles. It doesn’t matter the age of the child, he himself can be a parent, but the mother continues to swear, harass, and manipulate. There are only two options here.
- The first is finding a compromise, patience, calm arguments.
- The second is to follow your own path in life, separate from your tyrannical parent, and acquire your own, albeit rented, housing.
Yes, not everyone has the opportunity to do this, since there is a certain dependence on their ancestors: financial, looking after grandchildren, health problems, reluctance to grow up, etc. Well, we will have to return to the first option - compromises, patience, arguments.
Criticism and criticism, two sides of the same coin
A person with an anal vector prioritizes cleanliness and cleansing
from “dirt.” Strives to find a drop of ointment in a barrel of honey. Applies constructive criticism, which helps to bring any task to perfection and is beneficial.
But when such a person feels offended, he accumulates internal dissatisfaction and tension, which turns into frustration. Frustrations change direction from “clean” to “dirty”. The desire for cleanliness is replaced by filthiness
.
A person becomes stubborn, you can’t argue with
.
In a state of stress or frustration, he often uses words from the toilet vocabulary. Can humiliate, dirty, criticize
. Just to prove your point. At the same time, he may have absolutely no knowledge of the subject in question. He carries a drop of ointment into the ointment and enjoys the process.
He tends to experience not only social, but also sexual frustration. Possessing a powerful libido and not receiving enough pleasure, he accumulates tension, which manifests itself as aggression and criticism.
Having made his poisonous remark, he receives temporary relief. But, after some time, it becomes even more aggressive and cruel
. He throws out the newly accumulated portion of dirt, choosing words to sting even more painfully. It is useless to argue or prove anything to a person in such a state.
What to do if mom constantly criticizes?
The reason that your own mother constantly criticizes you lies not in you, but in her condition, which brings a lot of negativity not only to you, but also to her.
The hardest thing is when there is no way to stop communicating with such a person. In this case, understanding the mother’s condition will help to resist and maintain peace of mind. Awareness of the peculiarities of her character and psychological state allows us to objectively see the situation. Change your reaction to groundless criticism and poisonous words that drive you to despair.
Join free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan to find out the answers to your questions and restore peace in the family.
Registration here: https://www.yburlan.ru/training/
The article was written using materials
Who likes to criticize?
There are people who strive to get to the bottom of things. They are meticulous and scrupulous
.
They like to clarify and carefully analyze every detail of everything they study. They are diligent, slow, able to notice the smallest flaws and imperfections. They have excellent memory and an analytical mind
.
All these properties are given to them in order to accumulate information, separate the wheat from the chaff and teach the acquired knowledge to the next generation.
Yuri Burlan’s Systemic Vector Psychology explains
, such people have
an anal vector
. A vector is a certain set of innate properties, desires and abilities that shape a person’s character, habits and behavior.
It is important for owners of the anal vector to ensure the quality and accuracy of the information transmitted. By focusing attention on details, shortcomings and mistakes, they become masters of their craft, perfectionists
.
