To take revenge or not to take revenge? That is the question. Our psyche is structured like this: if we have not responded to the offender, day after day, again and again in our thoughts, we begin to scroll through the dialogue with him. What would we do if we could turn back time? Such fictitious dialogues and scenes can lead to complete exhaustion, confusion, depression, and sometimes completely change the course of life.
Imagine that you were offended. Unexpected, unpleasant and clearly undeserved. And the state of shock that you experienced did not allow you to take a sober look at the situation. We accumulate tons of such simple and complex “unfinished gestalts” throughout our lives. They poison not only thoughts, but also life, and prevent you from building relationships with new people. Because of this, the behavior looks, to put it mildly, inadequate. The incompleteness of one situation can manifest itself in completely unpredictable places, as in the joke about a communal apartment: “No need to apologize, I already wrote in your borscht!”
What is revenge?
Revenge is a very strong feeling that does not bring people joy.
The motivation for revenge is the fight for justice, to give the offender what he deserves, to repay the deed in the same coin. On the one hand, it seems that this is the right feeling and there is nothing bad here, but on the other, when a person begins to realize “his noble impulse,” the following transformation begins to occur in his body. It all begins with a strong attack of indignation, which is like an internal explosion caused by unexpected and unfair events. The desire for revenge is accompanied by a surge of strength and energy; a devilish fire is ignited inside a person. His pride is hurt. Someone accidentally stepped on a sore spot, not knowing that this person has many complexes and problems and is very vulnerable. He decides to take revenge. He no longer controls himself, because he is completely and completely in the power of this feeling.
Revenge can be considered as a painful condition that fevers the entire body from the brain to the tips of the fingers. It can capture a person like love and force him to do strange things that he will later bitterly regret. Mechanisms for releasing huge amounts of negativity are automatically activated in a person.
Maybe if he had stopped for a minute, cooled down, he would have realized that there was no need to take revenge, since the offender’s act was not worth such a reaction on his part. But this is very difficult to do.
What does medicine say about revenge?
The doctor warns, explaining the situation of a patient who is obsessed with revenge. With constant tension of a person contemplating scenes of revenge, his body produces a hormone - norepinephrine . Obsession, constant excitement, the inability to deviate from the topic of revenge cause the syndrome of excess norepinephrine to develop in the body.
A person experiences a surge of energy, elevated mood, but attention is unstable. There is a need for increased physical activity, he sleeps poorly. With painful tirelessness he comes up with new scenes of revenge. Insensitivity to pain appears. It is difficult for people living next to him to communicate with this person.
The hormone norepinephrine is synthesized from dopamine (the hormone of happiness), so long-term use of this reaction threatens exhaustion . Carrying out revenge leads to a deficiency of norepinephrine. A person becomes susceptible to depression, experiences body pain, lethargy, and has difficulty concentrating. Motor retardation and slowdown of information processes appear.
To avoid such symptoms, there is no need to accumulate and savor resentment. If you can’t forgive the offender, then take revenge on him in your imagination:
- Pound a pillow or punching bag, mentally holding the image of the offender in front of you.
- Write on paper everything you think about the offender, burn this paper.
- Imagine the offender in front of you, tear up the paper and express all your complaints to him out loud, collect the paper and throw it in the trash.
Such revenge is safer for the avenger himself, first of all. His losses may not be commensurate with the consequences of revenge for the offender.
Reasons for revenge
Sometimes the most insignificant reason is enough for revenge. It all depends on the character of the person whose pride is hurt. Each of us has encountered resentment, jealousy, and betrayal in life. These are already more compelling reasons to start taking revenge. It should be noted that if a person lives in harmony with himself and with the surrounding reality, then he will not be offended by all sorts of little things that happen to everyone.
Revenge often goes hand in hand with envy. As you know, people sometimes do very base things out of envy. They may have a desire to take revenge because a colleague is doing much better than they are, for example. This is how insecure people behave, subject to the influence of others.
In our society it is not customary to talk about revenge. As a rule, people decide for themselves what to do in unpleasant situations: take revenge or forgive.
“I want to take revenge on my husband for cheating on me” or is it possible to return evil for evil? Analysis of two psychologists
Recently, our editorial office received a letter from a woman experiencing a serious mental shock. Her beloved husband cheated on her. To say that after this she began to suffer is to say nothing. Actually, she asked us a question: “Is it possible to take revenge on your spouse? Is it correct?"
With her permission, I decided to discuss this issue in a journal with my colleague, psychologist Natalya Kaptsova.
Let's start with the story of our heroine:
“We lived in what I thought was a happy marriage for 10 years. We have two kids. But in the last year, for some reason, my husband pulled away and stopped talking to me. We became strangers. Because of this, he often began to disappear at work, and sometimes even stayed there overnight so as not to return to me. Well, it just seemed to me that he was at work...
In fact, he had a mistress. When I found out who she was, the ground seemed to fall away from under my feet. It turns out that my husband cheated on me with my best friend for a year. This came as a blow to me. I suffer so much that with all my heart I wish for both of them to die.
Please tell me, can I take revenge on them? The first thing that comes to mind is to tell her husband about her infidelities. But my friends and family are dissuading me from this idea. So what should I do? Thank you very much for your answer".
Without a doubt, this is a very difficult situation for everyone. And for the author of the letter, and for her husband, and even for her friend. Each of the characters in this story suffers in their own way. But today that is not what I would like to discuss. Our heroine clearly imagines a solution to the problem of her mental torment - revenge. So, from the standpoint of psychology, how correct is it to take revenge on your offender?
(By the way, we can include here any type of social attack, for example, someone in your household leaking negativity to you or insults in public places from strangers).
So is it necessary to rebuff the offender or is it better to suppress negative emotions? There are 2 main positions regarding this issue:
- “I forbid myself to fight back.” For some reason, a person may refuse to attack back. What are the reasons? Fear of your opponent, reluctance to get involved in a conflict, understanding of the inferiority of your offender, etc. Often people who refuse to stand up for themselves have a victim mentality. Their energy of self-defense is transformed into weakness and defenselessness. As a result of a social attack, such people’s cheeks turn red, sweating increases, their pulse quickens, etc. The offender sees and understands that he has hooked his victim, and takes advantage of this. Will he offend him again? Definitely yes, because he did not encounter resistance, which means he did not learn any lesson.
- “I can fight back.” Taking revenge on your offender is normal and natural. Revenge kills not those situations that have happened, but those that can still happen in the future. Taking revenge on a person who hurt you means proving to him and yourself that no one can do this to you with impunity. As a result of this inner attitude, the next people you deal with will not allow you to be treated in this way.
So which path should you choose? Here is the answer given by psychologist Natalya Kaptsova:
“Negative emotions must be expressed! If you are attacked, you need to defend yourself. We can manage aggression only after we have allowed ourselves to show it (within reasonable limits, of course).
When a person stands up for himself, he realizes that he is able to fight back and next time he will be able to control himself better. If we always remain silent in response to offense, then the people who cause it to us will begin to take advantage of it. Therefore, yes, expressing negative emotions, even through revenge, is normal!
Otherwise, suppressed aggression can lead to such unpleasant consequences for the individual as alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholism, depression, neurosis, etc.”
Natalya Kaptsova
Ask a Question
I think my colleague got to the heart of the matter! However, I will allow myself to complement it. Yes, negative emotions, without a doubt, need to be experienced. But this should be done CORRECTLY, and not always with the help of an “answer”.
Every person has had to go through a difficult period in life. Betrayal by a loved one is a serious psychological trauma that should not be underestimated. Answering our heroine’s question regarding the advisability of revenge, I want to ask a response question: “What will you do then?”
Sometimes we act impulsively without thinking about the consequences. This is due to incorrectly experienced emotions. But, it doesn’t hurt to imagine a situation in the future when you complete the revenge plan. Try to imagine in as much detail as possible what, when and how you will do. And most importantly, feel YOUR PSYCHOEMOTIONAL STATE after all this. Usually, visualizing revenge perfectly helps to heal the soul of those who, as they say, are in a state of passion. Even if it doesn't bring the desired relief, think about the consequences of your actions.
The sages say that everything in this world has consequences. Are you ready to take moral responsibility for the state of another person's life? Think about it.
What do I recommend to people who have experienced social aggression or psychological attack? The main thing is that you should not evaluate yourself by the actions and words of other people. We must remember that there are many unhappy people in society who vitally need the energy of “tolerate.” They will provoke others into conflicts, pour out their negativity on them and allow themselves any kind of unworthy behavior.
I believe that offenders need to be rebuffed, but wisely! I hope you find these tips helpful:
- Learn to manage your angerif it is difficult for you to restrain the flow of aggression when you are attacked (try to “disconnect” from what is happening, switch your attention to something pleasant, ignore the aggressor).
- Don't let your abuser drag you into their game . Do not agree to his conditions, express dissatisfaction, do not remain silent! However, do not stoop to his level, acting on the principle “The best defense is an attack.”
- You should not provoke the offender . Your task is to protect yourself, not attack him! Answer his accusations, but don't blame him back.
Acting this way in a conflict situation will make you look decent.
In conclusion, I would like to address people who, like our heroine, are experiencing a serious psychological shock. Don't hold back negative emotions! Talk to people about your pain. Tell them how you feel without leaving out any details. Surely there are those who love you and are ready to support you. Well, if not, write down your feelings on paper. Cry, don't hold back your tears. The pain must “come out” of you, so help yourself with this! When you successfully deal with the release of pain, thoughts of revenge will fade into the background.
Get over yourself
If someone offended you and this caused a desire for revenge, then you should not be ashamed of this feeling. Your natural self-defense mechanism has activated. But if such a desire arises for no apparent reason, this is already a big red flag! In this case, you will have to endure a struggle with yourself so as not to mess things up.
In order not to become an angry and vindictive person, you need to learn to forgive and calculate the consequences of retaliatory revenge. Revenge is a source of great emotional distress for both parties and does not make anyone happy.
Often when conflict arises, revenge may seem like the only solution to the problem. But once you think about what can be changed through revenge, what will be the benefit for you, other than the fact that you will get some satisfaction? It may turn out that after your vengeful attack the situation will get even worse. Maybe it would be easier to resolve the conflict peacefully? Or just ignore your offender?
Some useful tips
If you nevertheless decide to take revenge on the offender, then first think about how you will do it and how your counterpart will react to revenge.
Advice one. Be realistic, evaluate what kind of offense was caused to you. Don't try to do something worse than what your opponent did.
The second tip is very important. If you don't want to spend the rest of your days in a prison cell, show respect to the Russian criminal code!
Tip three. Don't choose your loved ones as victims. They don't deserve it.
Tip four. If you have been offended, you do not need to start taking revenge right away. Your “evil genius” is ready for defense. Wait a few days for him to calm down and then take action. Maybe during this timeout you will find a more effective way of revenge.
Cruel revenge on the person who humiliated you, betrayed you and ruined your life
The main incentives for revenge are:
- Betrayal and (or) betrayal of a loved one
. This could be a friend who told all your secrets to strangers or an unfaithful husband whom you completely trusted and gave your life for his good. - Insidious attitude
. The man gained our trust, recognized our weak points, and then stabbed us in the back: he put us under dismissal, entered into an intimate relationship with our other half, and fraudulently transferred our property to himself.
- Insult, humiliation, neglect of us as individuals
. The boss, who publicly calls us a moron, forces us to go to work on weekends, taking advantage of the fact that we have problems finding work.
Revenge is most justified in cases where we understand the injustice of the insult inflicted on us. If, for example, the wife constantly changed lovers and the husband decided to divorce her, would it be advisable to take revenge on the spouse? Probably not - the woman will get what she deserves. No self-respecting man will live with a traitor, otherwise he will lose himself as a person.
So, we offer several ways to take revenge depending on the situation.
At work
Following the previous recommendations, we look for a weak point in a colleague or manager:
- financial abuse, loss of important documents, reporting;
- ill-wishers among the company’s clients or colleagues from other structures;
- problems in personal and (or) family life.
When the painful point is found, you can strike. For example, your boss, who called you stupid, is having an affair with his secretary. Take a couple of photos and show them to your boss's wife. It’s even more elegant to arrange a meeting between your wife and your lovers at the moment of their intimate meeting.
If you know about financial fraud, obtain the necessary documents and send copies of them to the regulatory authorities. An audit of the company and further sanctions against the fraudster are ensured.
In situations where a manager behaves dishonestly towards partners and associates, reveal the truth to them. You just need to have irrefutable evidence, otherwise you will look very stupid. The boss's partners, having learned about his dishonesty, will find a way to deal with it.
Revenge on husband or wife
The person you truly loved left, left without explanation, or found another couple. Here it is necessary to make a reservation that true love does not imply any revenge at all! If you wanted to take revenge, it means there were no sincere feelings between you. You should never wish harm and pain on a loved one!
The best thing to do in this situation is to calmly let the traitor leave. Firstly, he will be stunned, because tears and a stormy showdown were expected. Secondly, his pride will be hurt by the very fact of your indifference and lack of desire to fight for his person.
Live your life, become even more beautiful and successful. Then the desire to win everything back will only intensify. When the cheater or dumper comes back, this will be your finest hour. The traitor will experience what it is like to be unwanted and unloved.
You can take revenge according to the rules listed above - arrange a dismissal at work, ruin, set up a new passion for a new lover. But! Revenge will not return your love and trust; your soul will also suffer. Thus, the goal of revenge will not be achieved. It is smarter and more profitable in such situations to build your new personal life. As a rule, life itself punishes traitors.
Children's ways of revenge
To somewhat revive such a serious topic, we will talk about some methods of revenge that will not cause serious injury to the enemy, but will cause trouble and deprive them of peace.
Place waste products (feces) under the door of the offender’s apartment or office. The main thing is to think about whose hands to make such a thing. You can pay, for example, a person without a fixed place of residence.
Care should be taken to ensure that the performer is not caught by security and does not fall under surveillance cameras. If you dress a performer in a suit with a hood, then the camera won’t show anything. It will also not be easy for the victim to file a complaint with the police: when explaining the essence of the “crime,” there is a risk of being ridiculed by the officers.
Despite its simplicity, if repeated several times, this method can drive the enemy to white heat and make him a laughing stock in front of the entire office or entrance.
You can take revenge on a man by writing an offensive inscription on his car with paint. For example, “I am a deer”, “Waiting for all the gays to visit, ready for sex”, “I have the smallest one!” Come up with options yourself. Neighbors, drivers and auto repair shop workers will be delighted.
What should you think about?
If vengeance is accomplished, then the soul becomes lighter, since the whole burden has fallen from it in one moment. After this, the person becomes softer and kinder. Later he will want to forgive the offender. If a revenged person has gray matter, then he will understand why he received the “brains” and will draw the appropriate conclusions.
Before we start taking revenge (or not taking revenge), let's stop for a moment and ask ourselves: “Should I take revenge on him? For what? To make him feel bad? To make him feel pain? To show him by example of revenge how he hurt my pride?
Are you sure you need to start this “game”? Think about what your attempt to “establish the status quo” will look like from the outside. Will you feel a sense of bitter regret if something terrible happens after your revenge?
And also, remember the most important thing: only strong people can be lenient and forgive their opponent, or ignore him as a person. They never allow themselves to stoop to the level of their offenders and do not use dubious methods of revenge.
Tags: self-education, psychology of communication, resentment, psychological problems, feelings, revenge, revenge
What are the pros and cons of revenge
If evil is committed intentionally, then vengeance must be taken for the following reasons:
- For the avenger to restore justice and find peace of mind.
- So that evil does not go unpunished and does not give rise to permissiveness.
- As a defense against aggression through retaliatory measures.
- As protection of one’s own dignity and personal health.
- Like an invasion of privacy.
The need for revenge is for the offender to see the strength of the offended person and to beware of subsequent negative actions against him. But not in all cases it is necessary and useful to take revenge. Arguments in favor of such a decision:
- The higher the quality of revenge, the more resources it requires to use. It may be more expedient for the avenger to use them to improve his life and health.
- What's the point of taking revenge when, after taking revenge, your soul will not feel better ? The harm caused by the avenger to himself will be proportionate to the harm received from him by the aggressor.
- Having realized the loss of the meaning of revenge, you need to use all material and moral resources to advance through life. Success in life in one's chosen field makes a person strong and happy. Such revenge will be especially intolerable for enemies and offenders.
Revenge is not dissuaded. There is no call for revenge. The decision is made by the avenger himself. But is it right to make your life worse in order to try to take revenge? If the motivation for revenge is grievances from the past, then you need to look into the future and determine the consequences of revenge. If you see a benefit for yourself, take revenge. If you don’t see the point, there’s no need to force yourself to take revenge.
