There is an opinion that betrayal is as terrible as death. With her arrival, the best feelings die: trust, openness, devotion. In most cases, they are gone forever and cannot be resurrected, just like a dead body. A particularly bitter, irrevocable loss is trust. And without it, it is simply impossible to continue a full-fledged relationship between a man and a woman. Unfortunately, this is not understood by those who decide that treason for treason is the best option for how to punish a traitor. In the heat of emotion, rash decisions are often made, which further aggravate an already difficult situation.
Treason for treason. Satisfaction or fair punishment?
So is it worth it or not to become like the one who first committed treason and betrayal? Absolutely all experts in the field of interpersonal relationships, as well as psychologists, argue that no.
Why, in their opinion, is cheating for cheating unacceptable in a relationship, even if it has already been crippled by such a terrible thing as betrayal? Because this is a dead end path, a road to nowhere. After all, in essence, we are talking about revenge, which is rightly associated with the hole that, first of all, the avenger digs for himself. It is interesting that almost all people after such an act of retaliation did not feel the long-awaited relief and even regretted what they had done.
My wife cheated on me
This happens quite often nowadays. Although previously, cheating was the “prerogative” of men exclusively. Sexual freedom, broken stereotypes and discarded cliches have led to the fact that female infidelity has become as “normal” as male infidelity.
So, an unpleasant thing happens in the family: the husband finds out that his wife is cheating on him or has cheated on him once. It is known that men perceive the fact of such betrayal more acutely, since their pride and male ego are affected. Events develop after this differently for everyone. One packs his things and leaves the house or exposes the traitor from it. Another threatens to file for divorce, a third may forgive (this is also not uncommon). There is another category of deceived husbands - those who decide to take revenge. That is, treason for treason. In their opinion, this is fair and puts both sides of the conflict on an equal footing - no one feels disadvantaged or humiliated.
Who they cheat on their wife with is no longer so important. The main thing is that the wife knows about the act of revenge, to make her suffer and suffer, as it was with him, her husband. Often such husbands choose friends, sisters, or mutual acquaintances with their spouse in order to hurt her even more.
Features of male vindictiveness
Of course, there are exceptions, but, as a rule, the man who threatens you is not capable of revenge. Having let off steam at the stage of threats, he will simply be too lazy to carry out what he has said. A man truly capable of revenge will not talk - he will do it. Petty dirty tricks and actions “out of spite” are normal for any man who is not indifferent to a woman and is offended by her in some way. Quite often you can see how representatives of the stronger sex deliberately spoil the mood, scare women, lower self-esteem, take away treasured credit cards, etc.
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To protect yourself from living together with a future avenger and from the consequences of revenge itself, pay attention to the “alarm bells”:
- While in company, he does not hesitate to talk about your shortcomings and weaknesses.
- During a quarrel, he reminds you of all your sins and mistakes.
- He makes fun of your complexes and, at the same time, the shortcomings of your appearance.
- He often does something out of spite or harm to you - he turns up the volume of the TV, ignores your requests, in response to a refusal of intimacy, deprives you of the pleasure of shopping, etc.
- He likes to tighten the screws, forbidding you to wear short skirts on the street, joke with his friends, chat for a long time with girlfriends, etc.
- In response to your smile to an acquaintance you met on the street, he can flirt all evening on the forum with its inhabitants.
Revenge, as such, is the need to gather strength and strike a blow that will bring you closer to the desired goal - to satisfy your grievance. But nine out of ten men will not engage in such nonsense for one simple reason - they will be lazy. Therefore, traditionally, male revenge is an impulsive, insignificant and almost childish act, which only causes a smile in a woman.
Punished for treason
This is how the husband explains his action to himself, his friends or his wife, if they are still in a relationship by that time. Although very often after such events it is simply impossible to stay together.
How do men feel? Do they feel satisfied and relieved? Many of them admit that they never got what they went for. On the contrary, after the committed act, their conscience tormented them, there was a feeling of disgust. And the feelings of humiliation and insult from his wife’s betrayal have not gone away... But you have to somehow punish your wife for cheating on you? There can be only one punishment - forgiveness.
Ruined date
Yes, this also happens: you desperately suspect your loved one of cheating, but you just can’t catch him red-handed. Or maybe it’s not necessary? After all, sometimes it’s enough to simply ruin another date with a restless passion. The easiest way to do this is with an ordinary laxative. Prepare your loved one dinner, dissolve the tablets or powder in juice or compote, and feel free to send them off to a supposedly important meeting with partners. We are sure that this “meeting” will remain in his memory for a long time.
You can perform this trick several times: after a series of embarrassments on the part of your husband, even the most persistent mistress will wonder if she needs such “happiness.”
Cheating husband
It just so happens in our society that male polygamy is a normal phenomenon and acceptable for all its representatives. It is normal for a married man to cheat; some even approve of adultery. Let’s not talk about cases when a spouse lives a “double” life: has a “parallel” family or permanent mistresses. Here we cannot talk about any love and devotion to the legal spouse, as well as about other human feelings.
It so happened that the wife found out about her husband’s infidelity. This could have happened by accident or he himself admitted it. Much also depends on how the fact of betrayal became known to the spouse. For example, if a husband tried to hide everything and not let his wife find out about his adventures, then he was most likely afraid of upsetting her and angering her. In a word, I didn’t want to hurt her.
It’s another matter if the traitor decided to confess everything himself. This means that he either wants to separate from his wife, or he acts like an honest person and values his relationship with his wife very much. After all, he understands that there can be no secrets or lies between two loving people.
Should you cheat on your husband or not?
This is also not worth doing, regardless of with whom and why your spouse cheated. An offended woman is capable of a lot due to her emotionality, but this will not be a solution to the problem.
The wife takes revenge for the betrayal by deciding to do the same. For her, this is a justification for the act, because in its significance and content it will be equivalent to what her husband did. What does a woman decide to do? She can offer sex to one of her friends, colleagues, or even a complete stranger, whom she specially meets at a bar the day before. Yes, she will receive her compensation and, perhaps, will feel proud that she avenged the betrayal. But such an act will never bring moral and spiritual satisfaction.
Why do we want to take revenge?
People who have experienced the shock of betrayal do not know how to behave in such a situation. It’s just that no one ever prepares for this in advance - everyone hopes that this bitter cup will pass them by.
When betrayal strikes and simply ruins a life, very few people imagine what needs to be done. After all, you have to somehow move on with your life, go to work, eat and sleep, and finally, just exist. They turn on a defense mechanism against the processes that began to occur in their reality, which changed dramatically with the advent of betrayal.
Therefore, many deceived people decide that the best way out of this situation for them would be “retaliatory” betrayal. This is not even decided by them, not by their consciousness and mind, which are simply “turned off” during a period of a special emotional state. At the moment, completely different mechanisms of the human psyche are at work.
We can say that at this moment they do not know what they are doing. A person humiliated by betrayal imagines in his head the most disgusting scenes of betrayal of his soulmate with someone else. In order to isolate himself and protect himself from this nightmare, the psyche helpfully offers him the only “correct” way out - to take revenge for betraying his husband or wife.
Betrayal and forgiveness are compatible things
You can forgive an unfaithful spouse if before that there was love, sincere feelings of affection and trust between these people. The fact is that betrayal of betrayal is discord. Someone will say that in the presence of such emotions, betrayal is in principle impossible, but this is not so. Everyone wants to live happily and die on the same day, but we are real people who are weak sometimes.
But it may be that the spouse succumbed to the charms of an obsessive colleague, an acquaintance who has long had her sights on him. In addition, “trips to the left” often occur under the influence of alcohol, on business trips (away from home), and at corporate events. But this will not make the husband love his wife less - it just happened that way, and he will curse himself for it. Of course, in this case, answering for cheating on your husband with infidelity would be a huge mistake, as this could lead to the death of the relationship and family.
The husband sincerely repents of what he “did”; he is sure that this will never happen again and that the adultery was a fatal mistake and an accident. If he still asks for forgiveness for betraying him, then he definitely cannot take revenge. If the wife agrees to this, then the spouses are unlikely to be able to maintain their relationship.
The best revenge is to live well
As cliché as it may sound, the best revenge is to forgive, live well, and succeed.
There will be no immediate gratification in this case, but in the end you will definitely be rewarded.
Many people say that “living well is the most effective method of revenge,” and this is true. Focusing on living your life will bring better results. Although this is a more difficult and longer path than banal revenge, which will only lead to even more anger and disappointment.
Where does revenge lead, or what comes in return?
As mentioned above, sex with another partner, used as revenge for the betrayal of a loved one, brings nothing but devastation, self-loathing and a feeling of emptiness. This is felt especially acutely by women who have decided to take such a step.
Statistics and various studies state the fact that almost all families break up after one of the spouses decides to cheat in order to take revenge for their violated feelings. When one betrayed, then the other and they both still have a chance to fix everything - to figure out who is to blame for what and how everyone should behave further so that this does not happen again.
Otherwise, it will be almost impossible to stop the destruction. Of course, there are couples who, after mutual infidelity, did not break off the relationship and continued to live, but there are very few of them. As a rule, such people do not have a future together. This is the price to pay for treason.
What not to do
After cheating it is not recommended:
- change the locks in the apartment;
- keep an eye on your husband and mistress, arrange public showdowns;
- manipulate children and prohibit them from seeing them;
- block credit cards to force them to ask for money;
- cause harm to health.
Psychologists unanimously claim that indifference and absolute ignorance offend men much more than the most sophisticated methods of revenge. It’s better to smile more, enjoy the new day and love yourself than to spoil your nerves for the sake of someone.
If you have a child, you need to act gently and carefully so as not to hurt his psyche. It’s better to tell the truth, but not to turn him against his father. When a child sees that his beloved mother is suffering, he unconsciously wants to harm the offender. This can lead to extremely dangerous and unpredictable actions.
So is it worth taking revenge on your loved one for cheating?
It’s not even worth it because it’s simply not emotionally beneficial. After all, a person who has been betrayed still has a moral right and advantage over the traitor. He, in turn, in order to preserve relationships and family, will do everything to satisfy them. In other words, it will “atone.” These include gifts, flowers for no reason, trips, invitations to a restaurant and, most importantly, a lot of attention and care. A person deprives himself of all this if he decides to take revenge and do the same as his other half. Firstly, he puts himself on the same level with him (that is, it turns out that he is no better than him), and secondly, he deprives himself of the advantages described above. But most importantly, it destroys the chance to save the family: after all, where both cheat, its existence is simply impossible.
You can forgive betrayal
Many people ask whether it is possible and necessary to forgive deception and treachery? Definitely yes, if there is the will and desire for it. You should never destroy a relationship if there is at least some small chance of saving it. It’s not for nothing that they say that breaking is easy, but building a new one is much more difficult.
The only thing you can do is understand and forgive, no matter how hard it is. Perhaps not even right away, but later, when the acute pain passes or dulls a little. Psychologists advise that there is no need to forgive quickly, even after such words: “Sorry for the betrayal.” The unfaithful (or unfaithful) must suffer in order to realize the value of forgiveness. Otherwise, when he gets it easily, it will depreciate and it is not surprising that he will cheat again and again. Since they forgave so easily and quickly the first time, maybe it will be okay the second time?
Of course, there are families who have experienced such situations in life. Forgiveness and, most importantly, a ban on raising and remembering this topic in the future helped them save their relationship. People agree to forget about everything and move on with their lives. And they live so happily for more than one year. True, as research shows, no one can completely forget this story. It takes quite a lot of mental and emotional strength to see every day the person who betrayed you and at the same time try to rebuild your relationship.
Ways to take revenge on your ex-boyfriend
You always want to take revenge beautifully and in such a way that the young man learns the lesson once and for all. If your ex is a fan of computer games, a pleasant revenge would be to ruin his rating in his favorite game, hack his account and make a noticeable mess. Similarly, you can hack his page on a social network and publish messages saying that he is a bad guy and acted in an uncivil manner towards his girlfriend. You can annoy your ex by demonstratively appearing in front of him with a new young man - let your ex see that you do not miss him, but are happy in your new life with another, better man. This method will hit any guy well, especially an ex.
If a guy used you, then you can ruin his reputation
If a guy used you, you can come up with even more offensive revenge. For example, start bad rumors about him so that other girls can form a true picture about his personality. Tell the whole truth or dilute it a little with facts about his character, attitude towards girls, bad habits. Or you can start an affair with one of your mutual friends - when he sees you in the arms of another, happy and carefree, he will involuntarily wonder if you really suffered from your breakup or if it really didn’t mean anything to you. Do not under any circumstances show that you are offended or dream of returning your relationship. You must show with all your appearance that the guy’s action benefited you and improved your personal life.
The guy greatly offended and betrayed him - pay back in the same coin
When a young man betrayed you and offended you very much, a good option for revenge would be to make him regret that he lost you. Don’t give in to despondency and depression - it’s better to take care of your appearance, appear only in an irresistible manner in front of him or your mutual friends. He will probably notice this and will be annoyed that you are not the least bit sad about his betrayal, but are actively enjoying life and looking prettier before your eyes. For a strong offense, you can also take revenge by ignoring him - don’t talk to him, ignore SMS and calls. In a word, pretend that the guy doesn’t exist until he starts actively apologizing and becomes worthy of your attention and communication.
Get even with your boyfriend if he dumped you
When a loved one leaves you, it is painful and offensive - this is a very good reason for revenge. Post information on several dating sites on his behalf with real contact details, let him now suffer from excessive attention from unknown people. You can also make him worry by creating some fake page on a social network, pretending to be his ex-girlfriend and reporting that she is pregnant with his child. Then you can abruptly end the correspondence and leave the relationship in order to instill in the offender a feeling of anxiety and incompleteness of the situation.
Love forgives everything
It is impossible to take revenge for betrayal of a loved one simply because he is a loved one. The words “betrayal” and “revenge” are things that are incompatible with the feeling of love. It is impossible to hurt someone who is dear and loved. They say that when you love, you can forgive everything. And this is true, because the very awareness of the loss of a dear person is much worse than his betrayal, deceit and treachery.
If you can’t forgive, then it would be better to separate. And without hysterics and scandals, but with his head held high. And there is definitely no need to “run” to someone else’s bed in order to receive compensation for the injury received: this will not bring back your loved one, but you can lose your self-respect forever. Is it worth it? Still, everyone decides for themselves.
Commentary by forensic psychologist, social philosopher Oleg Dolgitsky
Photo by @ dolgitsky
In fact, in the sphere of intimate and personal relationships, men are not very smart compared to women. They do not show any sophisticated tricks in their behavior; they often go “frontal”, and even to their detriment.
A common stupid revenge is to post intimate photos of your ex on the Internet. Of course, this is very stupid, since, firstly, it is illegal, secondly, it is not difficult to find the criminal, even if he decided to hide his tracks, and thirdly, such behavior is usually a sign of deviance and weak character.
Revenge is often a female type of behavior. A woman in anger seeks to break the life of another person, and a man can, at most, break the arm or leg of his opponent. Women can torture, harass and mock, but a man, in most cases, splashes out aggression.
Mostly men just do stupid, thoughtless things out of jealousy and anger.
