Feelings of pity – is it necessary to feel sorry for yourself and others?

People often wonder why one should never regret anything? This question is rather rhetorical, since a person experiences anxiety and discomfort during pity. He tries to correct the situation, to level it out at his own discretion, but he cannot do anything and falls into some despondency. The motives for this feeling can be conscious or unconscious, controllable or beyond reasonable limits. Experienced specialists helped to understand in what cases pity is necessary and when it becomes destructive.

State of pity

Pity is a feeling that has both positive and negative meanings. In our country, almost the entire population is endowed with this property, with the rare exception of a small percentage of people. But there are many countries in which you cannot feel sorry not only for strangers, but also for close people. This is regarded as humiliation or an encroachment on personal space. Moreover, in this case, both the one who does this and the one who is pitied are in a losing position. From this we can conclude that such a feeling only brings suffering and trouble. This is partly true if we take it literally. But there are many alternatives that can correct the situation. This is compassion, caring attitude towards oneself or another person, caring and other concepts that can and should replace blind pity. In a very real sense, it can sometimes be destructive because it provokes inaction and panic.

Related materials:

negative emotions | harm | help | care | pity | Psychology | harm and benefit

Articles

• Giving birth under hypnosis? A new way to relieve labor pain June 21, 2013, 00:00
• Work and emotions: pros and cons September 30, 2013, 00:00
• What is emotional intelligence and how to develop it? December 16, 2016, 00:00

Video

• Fragrance notes: what to choose during the rain September 26, 2010, 00:00
• Ways to correct pigmentation using makeup from MAKE UP FOR EVER September 30, 2010, 00:00
• Idylle by Guerlain. History of creation October 25, 2011, 11:03

Causes

There are many thoughts on the topic of why you should not feel sorry for anything or anyone in this life. Before approaching the answer to this question, it is necessary to understand the reasons that provoke the emergence of this feeling. The main factors are:

1. Excessive pity on the part of parents. If a child was too pitied and spoiled in childhood, he will grow up self-centered. There will definitely be a feeling of self-pity in him, and he will not be able to cope with even the most minimally extraordinary situation.
2. Lack of pity on the part of parents. This is the second extreme, when the child did not see affection and care, as a result of which he grew up too compassionate towards others.
3. A hopeless situation. For example, breaking up with a loved one or confronting a stronger opponent. A person cannot change the course of events because he loses to circumstances in all respects.
4. Physical pain. In this case, a person inevitably feels sorry for himself.
5. Injustice, resentment. These experiences can be a source of pity for oneself and others.

Exchange pity for love and compassion

The best thing you can do is to begin to eradicate the feeling of pity in yourself and replace it with love, kindness, compassion and mercy. Love, in the broad sense of the word, is a creative, positive, giving, inspiring feeling.

Think, is there a difference between lamenting “oh, poor thing, how unlucky he is, how bad everything is, oh, oh...” and between “the person is unlucky, he is in trouble and is suffering, how can I help him? "

Showing love, compassion, mercy means helping a person with real deeds to the best of your ability, and not sitting and talking about how bad he must be!

By showing concern, offering help, and providing support, you give a person strength and he finds the resources within himself to get out of a difficult situation. It literally fills you with energy and overcomes obstacles less painfully. You show the victim that he is not alone, that there is support and support nearby. Even this is enough for a person to be inspired and gain inner strength.

Signs

Situations are common when a person comes to the conclusion that one should never regret anything. But it doesn't always work out the way you want. Symptoms and signs arise that you want to get rid of quickly, but you don’t always have the strength to do so. The following manifestations of pity are present in a person:

1. Tears. This is the most common symptom, which is sometimes difficult for even representatives of the stronger sex to cope with (for example, the death of a loved one is experienced in this way).
2. Bad mood. Nothing makes a person happy because his thoughts are occupied with one problem.
3. Apathy. Absolute indifference and reluctance to do what you love and communicate with people is a sign of pity (for yourself or other people).
4. Diseases and illnesses. Excessive worries that this feeling causes can provoke a number of minor or serious illnesses.

To other people

The argument that one should not feel sorry for people is erroneous. In order to understand this, we must consider the original part of this feeling. Each person proceeds from his life priorities, which are placed in favor of good or evil. Delving into the situation of another person, we project it onto ourselves, thereby experiencing a feeling of pity for ourselves.

There is a desire to console (not to take certain steps to normalize the situation, but to regret), hoping for similar actions addressed to you if a personal problem arises. For example, a lonely woman will feel sorry for her friend who was abandoned by her loved one. An unemployed person will treat a friend who has been laid off with understanding. But pity is not always necessary and creative. Sometimes it disguises gloating, hatred or selfish intent, and sometimes such a feeling becomes the cause of troubles on an even larger scale.

Pity and compassion are different feelings

The problem with many people is that they confuse pity with mercy and compassion. And these are different things.

Here again, it will be clearer with an example: imagine that you are walking on a rainy, chilly day and see a wet kitten, shivering from the cold, on the side of the road. You can feel sorry for him, thinking “poor thing,” and pass by in the hope that someone else will save the poor guy. Yes, you sincerely feel sorry for him, but you have a thousand reasons not to take him for yourself.

Another case is mercy. You show the mercy and kindness of your heart and warm the kitten with the warmth of your soul. You sympathize, empathize, feeling his pain, and help to make it easier for both you and him.

Showing mercy and compassion is a concrete action. By showing pity, you literally drag the person in trouble even deeper into the problem and do nothing to help. You sting, you hurt.

To yourself

Experienced specialists are trying to convey to people the truth about why they shouldn’t feel sorry for themselves. This feeling is a bad habit that prevents a person from maintaining confidence when getting into difficult life situations. People stop struggling with difficulties, fall into panic and despair, and become absolutely helpless in the face of circumstances. Many even stop fulfilling their direct responsibilities (for example, feeling sorry for themselves and sleeping longer instead of showing up for work on time).

A person who constantly feels sorry for himself enters into this image and gets used to it. He has no joys in life, except to always complain about fate. He rarely experiences real happiness because he does not receive true pleasure from it. He experiences real pleasure only when he is pitied. That is why in all, even the most positive aspects, such a person looks for the negative in order to get his portion of sympathy.

To the circumstances

It's safe to say that you can't regret the past. The classic expression “what's past will be sweet” should be taken literally. Negative aspects always fade into the background, and a person remembers only the best, so there is no point in regretting the experience. You can briefly immerse yourself in pleasant memories, draw reasonable conclusions from past experiences, but do not torment yourself with regrets. Similar recommendations can be given regarding the events of today. There is no need to regret that you missed a train or plane, did not submit a report on time, or treated your loved one rudely.

It is worth drawing conclusions or simply restraining your emotions. You cannot regret anything, because this path leads to further defeats. Sometimes people know that they will regret what they did, but they act contrary to their logic. Then they simply throw up their hands, demonstrate their readiness for such a result and begin to mourn themselves (sometimes figuratively, and in some cases literally).

Psychology of emotions

At the heart of any emotion is a need. Man, unlike animals, is endowed, in addition to the biological needs for food, warmth and movement, with social needs. In the course of development, emotions are differentiated and form diverse types of higher emotional processes: intellectual, aesthetic, socio-biological, which constitute a mixed emotional state and mental content of human life. Higher needs are autonomous; they are determined not by instincts, but by social demands.

According to A. Maslow's theory, human needs and requirements have their own strict hierarchy. Initially, we need to satisfy physiological needs, then on the list: safety needs; in belonging and love; in recognition; in self-actualization; in knowledge and understanding, and, finally, in satisfying aesthetic needs. Failure to satisfy any of these needs causes different emotions, one of which is self-pity.

Turning directly to human experience, we can distinguish two forms of feelings: pleasure or displeasure. In other words, excitement and calm, tension and resolution, joy and grief. The highest degree of calm is depression. To protect a person from unnecessary shocks and depression, consciousness comes up with various mechanisms to protect the body.

Mechanisms for protecting consciousness from depression and shock

Human emotions are long-term states caused either by the situation or by anticipation of the situation (ideational). Often the event has not yet occurred, but people already have an idea of ​​the outcome and begin to worry. A person’s emotional experience is much broader than his own experiences, since it is based on the cultural experience of ancestors and is transmitted through empathy with other people and works of art.

Up

Benefit

There is no less benefit from pity than from its absence. It would be a mistake to think that you should never feel sorry for yourself, since in some cases this saves you from inevitable disaster. A person must take care of himself if they begin to manipulate him, shift his problems, and force him to make decisions for other people. You need to feel sorry for yourself if you have to work very hard without rest, limit yourself to nutritious food, or deprive yourself of simple earthly joys. In this case, such a feeling will be appropriate and useful, since a person in his consciousness should be a priority for himself.

The benefits of compassion are manifested if you feel sorry for your child in moderation. For example, when the baby fell and hurt himself. The pity of the parents in this case is a demonstration of their love for him, his support, support and reassurance. So the child begins to understand that he needs to do similar things, and also come to the rescue when required.

The benefits of pity are also very great for adults. There are many cases when a person does not need help, but is looking forward to a feeling of compassion (especially in the first minutes of grief, when simple consolation and support is needed). You need to feel sorry for everyone within reasonable limits: children, old people, sick and healthy people, animals, plants, nature.

Harm

Such a feeling can do a lot of harm, since you cannot feel sorry mindlessly and immensely without objectively assessing the situation. In no case is it recommended to constantly feel sorry for children, protecting them from any danger. For example, parents do not allow their child to walk in the yard, because there are dangerous swings, hard asphalt, sometimes cars pass by and ill-mannered children walk around. The child also does nothing at home, since cleaning will seem too hard for him, and cooking or handicrafts will seem dangerous. Such people feel sorry for their baby and try to protect him from all possible troubles. But this feeling is destructive, because it does not allow a growing person to come into contact with reality and the truth of life. He will not be able to cope with difficulties on his own and will become absolutely helpless if he is left alone.

Adults can also feel the harm of compassion. For example, when a person is pitied and assured that the situation will resolve itself, at a time when it is necessary to act. Being in a state close to shock, the victim (in a moral or physical sense) relies on a person who pities him. But when time is lost, you have to pay for your inaction.

Finally

I'll say something seditious. You can get rid of depression FOREVER if:

• learn to ask questions to find out the true reason for today’s disgusting mood;
• learn to see the positive side in any phenomenon. Absolutely in any;
• take action IMMEDIATELY. A desire, an idea, an incentive to move appeared. - forward! Don't delay for a minute! You can pull yourself out of the swamp. Even if you have only one option left - to pull yourself by the hair.

Ekaterina Manukovskaya

Advice from psychologists

Psychologists insist that you should not feel sorry for people and yourself excessively, as this can lead to dire consequences. You should not abuse this feeling if it contributes to the weakening of the personality. In relationships with other people, priorities should always be set in your favor. There is no need to take on other people's problems or experience negative situations on an equal basis with the person to whom they are addressed. In this case, both parties will suffer: the one who is pitied will be disappointed in his hopes, and the one who does this will take on an unbearable burden of negative energy.

Everything should be in moderation, and pity must be present, since it is the main form of kindness.

The world is fair

A change in worldview and a transition from the position of a victim to the position of the master of life helped me completely change my attitude towards pity.

Everyone deserves what they have. It is important to understand that we all create our own reality. Thoughts are material and our lives are shaped based on what we emit. We attract any situations into our lives on our own.

There is a law of cause and effect and any action always has a consistent result. If a person gets into any trouble, there is no doubt that he created it himself. Sounds absurd? What normal person would deliberately create for himself, for example, a situation where he had an accident? It’s true, from the position of a victim of fate, everything seems exactly like this.

But let me explain how it works. Take, for example, this hypothetical situation: a person unexpectedly received a large financial reward for a minor service and was able to afford to buy a car.

He consciously rejoices at such an acquisition. But subconsciously he considers himself unworthy of this benefit. After all, he was taught from childhood that big money comes only through hard work, and easy money is bad money, unworthy.

He may not remember such settings well, but the subconscious does not forget anything and the program works. Completely unconsciously, the lucky person doubts whether he is worthy of this car, and blames himself for the fact that he got the money so easily.

With such negative thoughts he attracts punishment. After all, if there is guilt, justice must be done. And according to the law of the universe, it happens. The guilt has been expiated, the car has been shattered, the owner of the illicit good has suffered real physical punishment.

Of course, you may not believe me, but I’m already convinced that everything works exactly like that. It is no one’s fault that people independently attract negativity into their lives and do not realize that this is a matter of their own thoughts. They blame everything and everyone, but not themselves.

Only by taking responsibility for your life and learning to manage your thoughts can you be convinced that the World is fair. Everyone receives according to faith. Even the Bible says so. A person does not believe that he will be able to buy his own house, so he will wander around the “corners” all his life, appealing to the pity of others and feeling it for himself.

Therefore, no matter how tragic other people’s troubles and misfortunes may seem, there is nothing to regret, because the person himself attracted and let them into his life.

But this does not mean that he does not need to help or remain indifferent. Sitting down with someone who has fallen into the same puddle and lamenting how bad and unfair it is to fall out of the blue, you will not help the victim in any way. By putting aside the feeling of pity and offering help without getting involved in the causes of the trouble, you will benefit not only the victim, but also yourself.

After all, if you believe that the misfortune happened to a person undeservedly, you also show yourself to be a victim. But everyone has the choice to become the master of life. And when you become the owner, you understand that everything happens for a reason, and pity automatically becomes alien to you.