“Unloved” - people cope with this sad “diagnosis” in different ways. Some stubbornly conquer the one they like so much, others humbly wait and hope for a miracle of reciprocity, others agree to the most humiliating conditions simply for the sake of being in a relationship with their object of adoration. For those who operate in one of these scenarios, but want to throw off the burden of unrequited love, psychotherapist, psychiatrist Aina Gromova tells you how to achieve what you want.
I WANT to forget my ex! — Method 1
Just be honest: how much time a day does it take you to turn this question “How to forget your ex-loved one” in your head? I admit that it is a lot. In addition to time, an incredible amount of mental energy is spent on this. Trying to cope with memories and feelings is not living. Your life is like in a science-fiction thriller where time is stopped - frozen.
I'll tell you a secret. The more you want to forget your ex-husband (boyfriend), the less you succeed. Why? This is the principle of our psyche. The more we fight any feelings, the stronger they become. The process of your ex being in your head seems to be fueled by your burning desire to forget him quickly. It’s as if you are feeding this process with your psychic energy.
What should I do? Let's turn on a wonderful method called “paradoxical intention”.
Paradoxical means “on the contrary.” Intention (from Latin intenti - meaning intention, desire).
How does this method work? I think you have noticed many times that the more you forbid yourself something, the more you want it. After all, the forbidden is sweet.
Therefore, we ALLOW ourselves to think and remember our ex.
I foresee objections. “Well, I’ll never forget him.” No, dear readers. You'll forget! Believe me. Just like you have already forgotten some previous exes. And you don’t remember them, would you agree? And you will forget this.
But for now, to make the task easier, we do the following trick :
We track how much time a day you REALLY suffer because of it. 10%? Or, 20%? Or 5%? It's important to be honest here. Because, you see, you don’t remember and suffer all day long. Besides this, you still work, study, live your life, do things, sleep in the end.
Did you track it? And now: let’s allow ourselves this time to remember him. It's OK. Allow me - and relief and oblivion will come on their own! It is important for us to understand that the ex only sits in our head for some time. Not 24/7!
Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber
Drop negative thoughts
Of course, these steps are unlikely to help you if you doubt their functionality. We advise you to develop your own instructions on how to get your loved one out of your head. Only through trial and error will you be able to arrive at the ideal option, which will help you immediately forget about your chosen one. It's normal to feel anxious for a few days or a week. But if you have been tormented by memories for months, then you need to do something about it.
For impressionable people, breaking up with a loved one is a serious problem. They don't know how to be distracted. In such a state you will not succeed either in school or at work. Especially when you can’t sleep because of the thoughts in your head, and you need to wake up in the morning. In such situations, you can use mild sedatives with a hypnotic effect. But do not use them all the time, but in those cases when, due to tears and constant thoughts, you cannot close your eyes and fall asleep. Remember the famous phrase: “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” This is a quote from a famous movie. Before going to bed, everything should fade into the background. Learn to let go of all thoughts while lying on your bed.
Help yourself forget your ex! — Method 2
Girls often come to me asking me to help them forget their ex. I'm helping. And the secret of a psychologist’s help is simple. It is that you have the opportunity to say all your feelings and emotions out loud. And this really, really helps to forget and let go of your former loved one. It’s not for nothing that they say: share your trouble and it will be reduced by half. The same goes for your feelings for your ex - share them with someone who will listen, and they will diminish.
But what to do if it is not possible? Do you have any friends who are ready to listen to you competently? And to whom you can honestly pour out ALL your feelings. Because only HONEST, unvarnished pronunciation works.
In this case, writing it down on paper will help us.
The method is not new, and you may have already used it and heard about it. We take paper. And, we pour out on her all our thoughts and feelings regarding the one whom we want to forget, but have not yet succeeded. We absolutely should not be shy and write everything as it is. If you want to swear, write swearing. If you want it kindly, write kindly. The main thing is from the heart. Then - burn it! A very good ritual. The psyche takes it literally. There were feelings - we worked through the feelings - we got rid of the feelings.
Why does this work? I answer.
About the benefits of communication
After separation, people become withdrawn, communicate with few people, and one day they realize that they have neither friends nor comrades. Give yourself an ultimatum: either you withdraw into yourself and study, sitting in the back desk alone, or start communicating with at least someone. Either you don't talk to colleagues, don't take part in corporate events, or you take a step forward. Even if your social skills have always suffered, you must overcome yourself.
Make friends. Don't forget: you need to smile in a team. Don't show your sadness! Firstly, you definitely won’t make friends this way, and secondly, it won’t be useful even for yourself.
WHY CAN'T I forget my ex? –Method 3
Let's dig deeper. And again, let's be honest with ourselves. Why is it so hard to forget your ex?
In addition to the various feelings that we have for him, the main thing that does not let us forget is HOPE. As our outstanding psychologist M. Litvak said, “hope dies last. But, I would kill her first."
Hope for what?
- Most often, the fact that he “comes to his senses.
- She will understand that I was the best.
- That I loved him better than anyone.
- And that there is no one like me anymore.
- And then, one day, on a gloomy autumn day, he, having suffered, will crawl back.
- By that time he already realizes all his mistakes.
- And, he will change.
- He will crawl back completely different. No, the same, but without all the nasty things he did.”
Approximately this hope lives in the head of a woman (girl) who cannot forget and let go of her ex-man.
But, let's dig even deeper! What is behind this hope? Perhaps your unmet need for recognition? Having not reached the required level of self-love and a sense of one’s own unshakable value?
Why do you need THIS person to give you back the feeling of life? And then, in our reasoning, we can go even deeper.
To the origins, to the parents. To those parents (or other significant adults when you were a child). Which, due to busyness or lack of understanding of pedagogy (after all, only now everyone knows everything) could not give you this deep, unshakable sense of self-worth.
This unconscious belief in our own worth protects us, like a flu shot, from unrequited love and long-term forgetting of an ex.
If it was not enough, we, like little lost children, will sit and wait. Hope. Completely unconscious! But, at the same time, coming up with various excuses for myself - “oh, what sex it was. Oh, what a wonderful time we had...
But the fact remains. The person is no longer nearby. It's time to take a closer look at yourself: maybe it makes sense to love yourself ? To the point where you don’t need confirmation from the man who left you that you are valuable? Where can you look around and see many other great candidates around you?
Incident
What incident are we talking about? Most likely, this was a correspondence between you, or a live conversation.
If it was something else, adapt what was written to suit you.
You should open the file in Word (or open notepad) and describe the incident from beginning to end.
If the incident was a correspondence on WhatsApp, for example, then this is ideal. Simply break your messages down into bullet points and write point by point on an unnumbered list.
For example:
- I asked him this and that, and he answered me...
- I had such and such a reaction...
- Then the conversation went like this...
- And then I realized that BOOM
- And I concluded...
Pretend you're writing this or telling it to your best friend.
If you and a man had a meeting at which realization came, retell what happened. Write down his lines, your lines. Add your interpretation of his remarks. Whether the interpretation is correct or not is irrelevant. Any interpretation is mental material that needs to be processed.
If you do everything right, you'll probably start to have a flood of emotions because the situation is charged. Don’t memorize emotions, write them down immediately, interrupting your narration for a while.
Let's say you can write:
- It hurt me when he told me that...
- I felt pain from the realization that this was the end, and I would not see him again...
- When he wrote this to me, I felt offended because...
Depending on the severity and duration of the incident, this may take you up to 2 A4 pages. The more detailed you write it, the better.
How to forget your favorite guy? –Method 4
To forget the ex you love, for whom you still have tender feelings, you need a special technique. In consultations, I usually ask people who want to get a person out of their head, despite the fact that they love. “Do you understand that your feelings are alive? Do you want to kill living feelings? They say yes. And then we come to the main topic of the day:
If you love him, but he is not around (or he simply does not love you), then we are forced to admit unrequited love - love addiction . We have to admit that he doesn't need you. Because, agree with a simple truth: if two people love each other and need each other, then they will be together. Do you agree?
This is a very painful and very important moment to admit that “he doesn’t need me.” You have to believe it. Stop entertaining yourself with illusions. Such as:
- He's shy
- He has things to do
- His health doesn't allow it
- He will divorce his wife and then...
- The children will grow up and then...
Understanding the cause
First of all, you need to understand why you continue to think about the person. Perhaps you are bothered by something he recently said, or you may have warm feelings for him. It is important to understand the reasons. This will make it much easier to get the man or woman out of your head.
You've probably noticed that as soon as you understand the reasons for your emotions, they begin to fade away. It becomes easier to think, objectivity appears. Accordingly, this step will help you normalize your condition and return to reality.
Ask yourself the question: “Why do I constantly think about him (her), what contributes to this?” Think about it. This may take several minutes, hours or even days. Don't rush yourself. Try to look at this situation from all sides to understand yourself 100%.
Stages of living through the loss of the illusion that relationships are possible
Negation
We discussed this stage above. This is where you find yourself when you feed on false hope for the continuation of a relationship. You are denying a FACT. The former beloved man has already disappeared from your life. And you don't want to admit it. This stage is absolutely normal. Don't scold yourself! Everyone goes through this. And we will move on to the second stage
Anger, anger. The desire to blame him. And, often myself in what happened
Sometimes at this stage girls (and guys too) come up with all sorts of revenge. Trolling on social networks, damage to his property, intrigue and persecution... All this is the result of acute feelings of the second stage - anger, rage and resentment.
I have already suggested above a way to get rid of these feelings on paper by writing them down and then burning them. This psychological technique works great for our brain. Feelings find a safe, adequate outlet. Their express accommodation takes place. And, at the same time, we did not harm anyone. Thus, we will have nothing to regret in the future.
Bidding stage
This is where nostalgia and doubt can overwhelm us. At this stage, we begin to see our own mistakes in relationships. And we are trying to get our ex back. At the same time, promising to behave differently. To be more flexible, to endure less (or not at all)…
The bidding stage is attempts to write the “correct” SMS to your ex-lover, to meet him by chance. Somehow attract his attention through mutual friends. If at this stage he fell for it and came back, then the relationship can resume. But, if attempts are unsuccessful, the next stage begins.
Depression. Apathy. Reluctance to move
Prostration. Disbelief in love and complete disappointment.
It is at this stage that love songs irritate us. We cannot see happy couples without disgust. We DON'T BELIEVE. We don't believe in love. We don't believe we'll ever meet anyone else.
And we say: “oh, I’m 20 (30, 40, 50..) I’ll never love anyone again. So I’ll be left alone.” The stage of depression is not the last. Because the last one-
Acceptance of the situation that happened
Dawn after a dark, protracted impenetrable night. And, it definitely happens! Believe me.
The desire to live arises, many plans appear. Enjoyment of life appears. Simple things begin to make you happy. Coffee in the morning, birds outside the window. It is at this stage that the real forgetting of the former beloved husband (boyfriend) occurs. The head is filled with new thoughts. Life is Beautiful! And you are ready to move on!
Decisions made
When a person is in pain, his subconscious begins to work chaotically to hide this pain and somehow protect you from the occurrence of this pain in the future.
For the second task, all sorts of solutions are often activated, which are often not realized by the person, but at the same time have great command power. They create new restrictions and conditioning, which a person will then have to fight with (if, of course, he is interested in freedom), so it is better to immediately stop this process if possible.
Here are possible solutions in this situation.
- I will now get to know and meet other guys a lot, have sex with him, have a lot of superficial connections, this will help me forget about him and understand that I don’t really need him
- I will throw myself into work, business, hobby or some project, I will make myself very busy so as not to suffer, not to think about him, not to remember him
- I will lose weight, get myself in order, go in for sports to make myself more attractive, if not for him, then for another man
- I will not enter into a serious relationship with anyone, I don’t want to get attached, attachment is pain and suffering
- I have to get into a serious relationship with someone to forget about him, and so that if he suddenly wants to be with me, to show him that I am desirable to other guys, and that his time is up, to make him suffer the way I did I'm suffering now
The main thing is that any decisions should be made with a clear head, and not against the backdrop of severe pain that your subconscious is trying to hide from you, partly thanks to these decisions.
Be sure to add decisions that you are guaranteed to have made. If you have been tormented by the image of this man for several months now, you 100% have some unconscious decisions in this regard, and they need to be clarified.
Now we have come close to the slightly paradoxical aspect of your suffering.
How to forget your ex QUICKLY? –Method 5
The desire to quickly get rid of thoughts about your ex speaks of a heavy burden for the psyche. If you want it quickly, it means you don’t want to suffer and experience this torment.
I said above that it is better to accept suffering as part of your life and then you will leave the relationship in an environmentally friendly way. It is in this case that you will be able to draw useful conclusions for the future. Which will not allow you to step on the same rake in the future.
But, if you still want to get out of the relationship quickly and forget as quickly as possible, and at the same time “as if nothing had happened.”
End of friendship
Friendships are sometimes more stable than romantic relationships. Having become friends in childhood, friends can meet old age together, having managed to change more than one husband or wife throughout their lives.
Despite such strong bonds, even friendship cannot withstand loud quarrels and the force of distance. Conflicts give rise to resentment, and distance deprives people of common topics of conversation and the opportunity to diversify communication.
Understanding
If your friendship is threatened by events beyond your control, then you can simply talk about it with your friend. He is not a fool, and therefore he will understand that, for example, if you move to another place, you will no longer be able to see each other every day, watch movies together and go to parties.
Don't end your communication too abruptly. Text and sometimes call each other, tell them the news. Over time, you will find new friends, new hobbies. Because of this, your communication with your old friend will be significantly reduced.
But don’t worry, this is quite normal, because everything happens exactly the same for him. The best part is that your friendship cannot be called completely finished.
Even if you meet this person even after a few decades, you will not pass by, but hug, laugh and remember the old times with warmth.
Changes
All people change and develop, you and your friend are no exception. It may happen that at some point you begin to look at a variety of issues completely differently - from politics to raising children.
Strong disagreements can lead to quarrels and conflicts, which will call into question future friendships. It will be possible only with the great desire of two people to meet each other halfway. It's a pity, but this happens too rarely.
Remember: you don't have to think and act like your friend. You can remain in conflict endlessly, or you can simply call your ex-friend for a conversation and end everything once and for all.
Explain to him that you have become too different people and that is normal. Your differences keep you from relaxing and having as much fun as you did before. You don't need conflicts and enemies, you are two strong personalities who respect each other.
It is respect that can save your situation. No, it cannot make you friends, but it will protect you from insults and coldness from your former friend.
How to forget your ex FOREVER and start a new life. –Method 6
There is a lot of similar advice on the Internet on how to “ forget your ex-husband forever and start a new life .” And they even teach you how to forget your beloved husband if you have children. And all the advice boils down to what is necessary:
- Switch to something new
- Get carried away with new friends
- Finally, take care of yourself, your beloved, now that the time has appeared
- Regain the energy that you previously spent on him - do something nice for yourself
- Load yourself with things so much that there is not even the slightest opportunity to think about it
- Think over and write down the benefits of a new position without a former loved one - freedom, time, rest
- Use your will to direct your attention to other places.
- And so on….
But, alas. Practice shows that this does not work for everyone.
Why?
Because the main condition has not been met. Namely:
To forget our ex forever, for good, we need to be completely DISAPPOINTED IN HIM!
This is the only way we can truly let go, forget forever.
Disappointment in a person is precisely the mechanism that destroys any relationship forever.
And therefore, I offer you a Psychological conspiracy to forget your ex forever.
And this conspiracy will help you forget even your ex, whom you see every day . After all, this happens. You work together and are forced to see each other. But I still really want to get it out of my head and forget it.
It's time to slow down!
- Only go on social media to interact with positive people.
- Set yourself a time limit for staying online – no more than 10-15 minutes. This time is barely enough for friends’ feeds, so it won’t reach your lover.
- Refrain from Facebook and VKontakte completely. If self-control is not enough and you admire his photos every day, then you should stop torturing yourself and temporarily give up social life on the Internet. It's time to go out into the real world!
Conspiracy to forget your ex forever - Method 7
This is a template, you will insert your data
So-and-so (Name).. You have the following repulsive characteristics. I saw these features with my own eyes. And, “people don’t change.” You will always be like this. Next is a list of what really repulsed you about him. Important! Write this list down on paper. Moreover, preferably in a grotesque , that is, exaggerated form. The list of its shortcomings should be maximum . Reading this list, you must absolutely understand that you simply don’t need such a person!
This conspiracy needs to be written, you can print it out and hang it in a visible place. Your eyes, your brain should see that you are not interested in such a person!
That your life is filled with more interesting things than suffering for this defective comrade. And, even if you need to forget your beloved husband and have children , then this conspiracy will help you in this case too!
Take a break for 90 seconds
Break your own pattern and habit of thinking about this person. Neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel believes that any emotion can subside within 90 seconds, like a high sea wave. Give yourself 90 seconds—about 15 deep breaths—to not think about that person or situation.
