For the childish behavior of an adult, there is a very specific term: infantilism or infantilism. And then there are also differences in understanding this. The term “infantilism” is used both in psychology and medicine.
Only in medicine does this suggest mental retardation. And in psychology - a manifestation of immature, childish behavior in an adult. How does this manifest itself? Reluctance or inability to decide, analyze, draw conclusions, or take responsibility for one’s actions.
In this article:
Reasons for “childishness” in the behavior of adults. What are the signs of childish behavior in an adult? And what to do with childish behavior in an adult?
Causes of infantilism
Now a person lives in comfortable conditions, where almost any need is satisfied quickly and effortlessly. For the sake of example, we can compare the situation in our time and in the 16th century. At that time, life expectancy was approximately 20 to 35 years.
You either had to know and be able to do everything you needed by the age of 15; or die. So already at this age people started their own families. In our era, at the age of 15, a teenager is regarded practically as a child, completely dependent on his parents.
Psychological fusion with the parental family
The cause of infantilization of young people is often incomplete separation from their parents. This term refers to separation from a loved one with whom a person was in psychological fusion.
Most often it is about the mother. If a growing child separates from his parents, personality formation occurs. He gradually begins to take independent actions and takes decisions upon himself.
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If the separation is completed successfully, the young man gains self-sufficiency and becomes an adult. “The child grew up, but the parents didn’t even notice.” This can be said today in relation to young people in our country.
After all, there are many conditions that prevent separation from being completed. Low incomes, difficulties in finding employment, uncertainty - all this hinders development. Children reach adulthood but remain dependent on their parents.
In some families, the child is the “center of the universe,” and all other relatives revolve around him, like planets around a star. But the time comes to release the child from its native nest.
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For example, to go to study in another city or perform military service. For the sake of work, after all. The whole family is acutely experiencing this moment. A “syndrome of a nest from which the matured chick has flown away” occurs.
Modern culture does not have traditions that initiate the acquisition of a new status in society. There are often situations when the mother continues to interfere in the life of an already married “child”; or the father of an adult woman dictates to her how to dress and who to date.
Social consciousness
In many ways, public opinion itself influences the processes of infantilization. Imagine for a second being introduced to a 16-year-old person. What will your attitude be? Will you regard him as a child or as an adult? Or neither?
Modern teenager
Not so long ago - back in the era of Shakespeare - people were already getting married at the age of 14. Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin called his heroine of the story “Blizzard” middle-aged. The problem is that “she was in her 20s.” The age of the old woman-pawnbroker from “Crime and Punishment” by F. M. Dostoevsky was 42 years old.
For many centuries, the duration of human life was about 20-35 years. Only at the dawn of the twentieth century did the average duration increase to 50 years. Food has become better; medicine has reached another level.
All this does not mean that there were no infantiles before. Undoubtedly they were; but due to the fact that they died even earlier, we know nothing about them.
Symptoms of infantility
There are different forms, signs, and behavioral reactions that indicate psychological infantility.
Man having fun
Young people do not want and are not ready to take responsibility either for their own or for the lives of others. They avoid situations where they are under pressure; They avoid making decisions and blame their problems on others. Other signs of infantilism are:
- Inability to arrange life . They are not able to cook, wash or clean the house - it’s boring. It’s better to pay than to do it yourself (yourself).
- Manifestations of egocentrism . If their wishes and requests are not realized immediately, they may throw a tantrum. But the infant himself is in no hurry to carry out any instructions.
- The desire for a beautiful life , but the unwillingness to make efforts to achieve it. A person wants pleasure at someone else's expense.
- Dreams that someone “strong and influential” will appear and solve all problems . Surprisingly, even at 40, 50 and older, infantiles are still waiting for the “wizard in the blue helicopter.”
- Fears related to the sexual sphere . The infantile often looks either like a child or like an asexual creature. He is afraid to express his own sexuality; often avoids relationships with the opposite sex.
- Accusations against parents, bosses, government . Anyone is to blame for the infantile’s troubles, but not himself.
- Unjustified cruelty , lack of mercy, compassion for people and all living things.
- The desire to escape from the real world into an illusion : alcohol abuse, watching TV series around the clock or immersing yourself in computer games. In the real world, a person does not achieve anything and does not strive for it; in the virtual, he easily becomes majestic and “cool.”
- Focusing on the external form of things rather than on their content. The infantile, first of all, sees not a person’s professional achievements, but the material component of his life: how expensive his car is, how attractive his wife is, how big his house is, and so on.
Such people are comparable to one-day butterflies, since they have no desire to improve. If the infant finds himself in a difficult situation, he becomes disoriented and becomes depressed. And then he looks for a person who would (preferably for free) solve all his problems for him. The skill of making independent decisions is not developed; and this pattern is repeated time after time.
Separation and its violation
As a child develops new skills, his needs change. In parallel with the process of attachment formation, there is a process of separation.
Separation is the process of separating a child from its mother and then from both parents. From the time a baby takes his first steps, it is important to support his independence.
Over time, new needs come to the fore:
- in a calm reaction to persistent (stubborn) or aggressive impulses;
- in encouraging independence without intimidation and threats;
- in a friendly attitude towards the expression of negative emotions: anger, fear, jealousy and others;
- in supporting natural curiosity and allowing one to explore the world (within reasonable limits);
- in encouraging sincerity, truthfulness;
- in disapproval of the false “I” (accommodation, trying to please others);
- in accepting yourself as a unique person with your own needs and experiences;
- in relation to oneself without prejudice, in the parental belief that the child is good as such.
When these needs are met, the child learns to be autonomous and develops self-control.
If parents hinder development in these directions - for example, they impatiently and persistently do what the child can easily do on his own - doubt arises in his ability to do something independently and rely on his own strength. And if, on the contrary, parents expect more from the child than he is capable of doing, then he develops a feeling of shame and a feeling of his own inferiority.
In adulthood, such people may lack the dedication and determination to set realistic goals and achieve them. In addition, a constant feeling of guilt can cause passivity and even impaired sexual function.
Alexandra, 32 years old:
“My mother was a very anxious person. Any initiative that ignited me was crushed by its prohibitions. A big “no” was constantly hanging over me. You can’t spend the night with friends, you can’t go to the sports section. Now I live in another city far from my parents, but I still feel the impact of these restrictions. Important steps that require determination and responsibility are not easy for me: I doubt a lot, and then my conscience also torments me. It’s hard for me to be proud of myself and enjoy success.”
How to eliminate infantilism in children?
If parents notice that the baby is weak in character and childish, psychologists, as a rule, give the following recommendations.
- Communicate more and spend time with your child . When buying clothes and toys, give him a little freedom.
- Pay attention to the baby's social adaptation . It is usually difficult for such a child to communicate with peers. Find out why and try to solve the problem with him. The baby should feel confident. To do this, you can enroll your child in a section where there are many other children. He must gradually get used to the team and even solve some problems on his own.
- If necessary, contact a child psychologist . Often parents themselves encourage the child’s dependence and immaturity. The specialist sees the family from the outside and will give the elders the necessary instructions that will help correct the child’s development.
There is no point in starting a situation where an infantile boy grows into a “mama’s boy” rather than a man. If parents do not help their children at an early stage to get out of the networks of infantilism, in the future they will not receive an independent personality, but a human child.
How to form new behavior with other people
To make your relationship with your mother more reliable, you should develop the following skills:
The ability to ask for help and accept support. Asking for help is often perceived as a gesture of weakness, a demonstration of vulnerability. But it is precisely this skill that helps build trusting relationships, get rid of unnecessary emotional burden and become stronger. The important thing here is to be honest, speak directly and remember that your interlocutor has the right to refuse.
The ability to be yourself regardless of whether others accept you. This implies that you are not shy about expressing your feelings and sharing your opinions. Don’t rush to do this everywhere and with everyone. To begin, choose one person you trust most and expose yourself step by step, no matter the risk. Then expand your circle of trusted people, based on your own readiness.
Remember, you have the right to change your mind, not take responsibility for the problems of others, set your own priorities, make mistakes, admit them openly and just be yourself. You can adapt to others and make compromises, but only when you want to, and not when you feel like you have to.
Ability to build and maintain emotional connections. Helping those who seek it, interest in the opinions and experiences of others, gratitude, understanding that in a relationship it is more important to be yourself than to be ideal - all this contributes to the establishment of good relationships.
Self-care. The ability to notice what takes your energy and what replenishes it is a great tool that will help you in your relationships with other people. Your physical condition will tell you whether to increase the distance in a relationship or, conversely, shorten it.
Ways to overcome immaturity for an adult
There are not many self-critical people among infantiles. But if an immature person realizes that something is wrong with him, this is commendable. You can start the path to an adult and responsible life with the following steps.
Make independent decisions
There is no need to wait for your mom or spouse to approve your plans. Make your own choice, trying to correctly assess the possible benefits and potential risks.
Physically separate from parents
Many people believe that if finances are tight, then living with your parents at 30 is normal. We hasten to disappoint you: this is by no means true. Starting to live your own life means taking a step into the unknown. But those young people who still decide to make changes do not regret the money spent.
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Having moved away from their parents, they begin to understand: financial well-being depends only on themselves. And they often make better career decisions than those who continue to live in their parents’ nest for decades.
Arrange your life to your liking
Hearing your own desires and following them is not as simple a task as it seems at first glance. Infants have a weak psyche, often filled with introjects - ideas once learned from other people.
For example, a child often hears from a school teacher that it is impossible to earn a lot in an honest way. In adulthood, he may forget about these words, but the idea itself (introject) will continue to exist in his unconscious.
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Separating introjects from personal desires often requires regular and high-quality psychotherapy. But it’s quite possible to do something yourself. You can start listening to yourself in small things: what movie would you like to watch? What would you like to choose for dinner - sushi or noodles? Then you can move on to more serious and fateful decisions.
Learn to stand your ground
Not only capricious young ladies or young men, but also quiet modest ones are infantiles. Such people are a real “gold mine” for employers. They will not say a word against you, even if they are asked for the tenth time to stay late at work without additional pay.
Slack at work
You should not assume that only people of narrow minds argue. This is actually true - but only when it comes to unimportant things. When it comes to your life and personal comfort, insisting on your own means demonstrating a mature position.
The “inner child” lives in every adult; and manifestations of infantilism can also occur in quite mature and respectable people. But in any case, it is important not to succumb to the influence of childishness, feeling like a constantly dissatisfied and disappointed child. After all, the quality of our life, as well as the ability to be psychologically mature, is always in our hands.
Reasons for “childishness” in the behavior of adults
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Psychologist Erik Erikson looked at the development of a child in a system of social relations. What kind of society does the child live in, what values are offered to him, what problems must he solve.
Erikson identified eight stages in personality development. During the development process at each stage, the child comes into contact with different social communities and understands that he is connected with them. In childhood - with parents, brothers, sisters.
Then he joins the community of school and peer groups. Friends appear.
When you have to choose a profession, professional communities and colleagues appear. And with each community the child identifies himself and experiences his connection with it.
So, before the age of 20, a person’s identity is formed. This is when the system of values and needs is determined, social roles and forms of behavior are formed in the future. And then it turns out that a person accepts himself in his relationships with the outside world, finds a place in society, which means he does not feel lost. And vice versa.
At each stage of development, a person acquires a certain quality (the so-called personal development). And this acquired quality remains for life. When it is formed, a person goes through crises in his development. That is, you have to choose either progress or regression.
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For example, trust in the world or distrust in the world. Independence or doubt, initiative or passivity. Competence or inferiority. Personal identity or misrecognition, intimacy or isolation. Productivity or stagnation, integrity or despair.
These are polar personality traits that are formed at the above-mentioned eight stages of development (according to Erik Erikson). So, incorrect living of one of the stages can ultimately result in the manifestation of infantile behavior.
How can this happen? As a result of excessive guardianship, parental pressure, or, conversely, complete connivance. A personality can develop in such a way that neither independence nor initiative is properly formed. And as a result, there is no need to talk about determination and independence.
