If you've ever been through a breakup, you know for sure that it takes time (and sometimes a lot of time) to recover and return to normal life. Nevertheless, almost everyone manages to successfully cope with suffering and pain and regain the happiness they deserve. But sometimes we screw ourselves up, mentally returning to our exes, and provoke the onset of depression. Experts say that these are the things that prevent you from forgetting your past relationship and immersing yourself in new love.
Are you afraid of loneliness
Fear of loneliness is one of the main reasons why people don’t want to let go of their past. You are used to doing everything together: watching movies, shopping, going on vacation. Now you are confused: during the relationship, you have lost the habit of doing something on your own and have managed to forget what it is like to be “I” and not “we”.
Instead of building castles in the air and lamenting your bitter fate, focus on yourself. Remember what made you happy - perhaps there was some hobby you left for the sake of your other half - or meet up with friends you haven't seen for a long time. Don't forget an important axiom: it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.
Air element
Find an open, deserted and windy place. Be as free as possible: comfortable clothes, loose hair. Close your eyes and allow the air to envelop you, feel it physically. Let the wind carry away all past memories, claims and grievances. Imagine yourself floating above the earth, leaving your past behind. The wind gives you lightness, frees you from all the connections of the past pulling you back, feel happiness. As you finish, let yourself “land”, let your landing place be new and happy.
Do you believe in “one love”
The belief that each of us is destined for only one person seems archaic and romantic. But it's much better to face the hard truth: we can have multiple partners in our lives that make us happy. Clinging to the belief that you missed your only chance because it was the “one” person is pointless and, frankly, ridiculous. You don't believe in Santa Claus anymore, do you? So don't believe in that either.
I WANT to forget my ex! — Method 1
Just be honest: how much time a day does it take you to turn this question “How to forget your ex-loved one” in your head? I admit that it is a lot. In addition to time, an incredible amount of mental energy is spent on this. Trying to cope with memories and feelings is not living. Your life is like in a science-fiction thriller where time is stopped - frozen.
I'll tell you a secret. The more you want to forget your ex-husband (boyfriend), the less you succeed. Why? This is the principle of our psyche. The more we fight any feelings, the stronger they become. The process of your ex being in your head seems to be fueled by your burning desire to forget him quickly. It’s as if you are feeding this process with your psychic energy.
What should I do? Let's turn on a wonderful method called “paradoxical intention”.
Paradoxical means “on the contrary.” Intention (from Latin intenti - meaning intention, desire).
How does this method work? I think you have noticed many times that the more you forbid yourself something, the more you want it. After all, the forbidden is sweet.
Therefore, we ALLOW ourselves to think and remember our ex.
I foresee objections. “Well, I’ll never forget him.” No, dear readers. You'll forget! Believe me. Just like you have already forgotten some previous exes. And you don’t remember them, would you agree? And you will forget this.
But for now, to make the task easier, we do the following trick :
We track how much time a day you REALLY suffer because of it. 10%? Or, 20%? Or 5%? It's important to be honest here. Because, you see, you don’t remember and suffer all day long. Besides this, you still work, study, live your life, do things, sleep in the end.
Did you track it? And now: let’s allow ourselves this time to remember him. It's OK. Allow me - and relief and oblivion will come on their own! It is important for us to understand that the ex only sits in our head for some time. Not 24/7!
Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber
Do you follow your ex-significant other on social media?
With a high degree of probability, immediately after breaking up, you will still be “friends” with each other. And according to psychologists, this is not the best idea. It's normal to be curious about what your ex is up to from time to time, but snooping can become an obsession.
Spying on your ex-significant other is a trap that forces you to dive deeper and deeper into the past instead of moving forward. Avoid the pages of your passions; if necessary, block them (this is not the most beautiful thing to do, but what can you do). Over time, you can be friends, but this will only happen when you are both ready for it. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to burn bridges.
What to do if you have children
When you have children, it is impossible to break ties with your ex-wife. It will be more difficult to forget her. What to do in this case?
Your task is to reduce meetings to a minimum. Try to spend time with your children without her involvement. If you have planned to spend the day with your child, agree with your ex-spouse that you will immediately pick him up from school or kindergarten. Invite your children over for an overnight stay. When returning the child to the mother, do not linger at her home.
The article is nearing completion. Finally, I suggest you watch a short video.
You idealize the past
After a certain time after a breakup, most people experience amnesia: all the bad things fade into the background, and only bright, happy moments remain in the memory. But you need to be realistic and not lie to yourself: if everything in your life was so cloudless, your passion would hardly have become an ex. Parting occurs not due to minor disagreements, but due to the fact that two people are simply not suitable for each other. This cannot be changed, so accept everything as it is and move on.
Psychologists told how to let go of past relationships and start living a new life
When the candy-bouquet period ends and gray everyday life begins, many partners recognize each other's true colors. Not always a person with whom you can spend your free time fun and interesting is suitable for family life. Awareness of this fact often hits self-esteem, the mistake seems fatal and one gradually gives up. Sociologists claim that women are more often afraid of being alone and therefore maintain painful and painful relationships. The fear of leaving a husband who is not satisfactory often pushes one to try to find a new partner while remaining married. A MIR 24 correspondent found out how to let go of past relationships and start living a new life.
“In such a situation, there are three options. The first is to break up with a man, and then meet others, improve your personal life. But at this stage, many women face the fear of loneliness. Due to psychological pressure, stories from friends about the “ticking clock”, horror stories about “old maids”, a woman can decide to spend her whole life with any man, just not to be alone. In such cases, it is worth working on self-confidence, stopping communication with toxic people who inspire such fears and complexes, and focusing on self-development. At the same time, the woman will meet interesting men and will be able to build with them the relationships she dreams of,” comments relationship expert Anastasia Stepanenko.
If a woman decides to meet new men while still in a relationship, this does not mean that she immediately acts immorally. Dating does not imply an intimate relationship; you can limit yourself to communication, the coach believes.
“If the relationship has outlived its usefulness and the woman understands that separation is inevitable, she can begin to meet other men. Just get to know each other - go to meetings, attend events. A woman can finally pay attention to her long-time fans, whom she may not have previously noticed due to her “in a relationship/married” status. Now we are not talking about flirting or sex on the side. We are simply talking about friendly or friendly communication. Further, as they get to know each other, many men will begin to show her signs of attention, court her and offer relationships. While she has not reciprocated any of the fans, from a moral point of view, she is acting as correctly as possible. At this stage, a woman can calmly initiate a breakup with her current man and accept the offer of someone she likes from her circle,” noted Stepanenko.
In some cases, women actually build relationships with another man while married. For example, when they know that their husband is cheating on them. However, then the coach recommends keeping the new man in the loop.
“There is a third option - you can meet and first build a relationship with another man on the side, and only then initiate a separation from your current partner. This option is not suitable for everyone. Nevertheless, there are situations when a woman knows for certain that a man is cheating on her. In such situations, she may prefer not to think about moral issues and calmly begin to build her personal life even before the official separation. Then I still recommend keeping the second man informed of events so that there are no unpleasant surprises in the future,” Stepanenko explained.
Before looking for a new relationship, you must first raise your own self-esteem, says clinical psychologist Elena Kalen.
“The inner state of a woman, her energy, charisma - this is what attracts a man. To build a serious relationship, it is important to fill yourself with feelings, strengthen confidence and self-esteem. Very often, relationships with different partners develop according to the same scenario. In order not to fall into the trap, it is important to understand what was wrong and understand your new expectations from your partner,” she said.
In addition, in order to build relationships according to a new happy scenario, you need to understand why you need them. For example, a woman wants to give birth to a child, after which the couple breaks up. This signals that the relationship with a particular man was not an end in itself. By the way, if a woman did not leave the relationship, but took a lover in the hope that he will become her future companion, an unpleasant surprise may await her. Most often, a lover condemns an unfaithful wife, even if he himself is married, says social psychologist Tamara Paliy.
“The logic is reinforced concrete: “Male infidelity is not treason, but permissible polygamy, female infidelity is betrayal and dishonesty. She cheated on her husband, she will cheat on me too!” More often than not, these considerations are not even voiced. But after some time, at the most unexpected moment, the woman is puzzled. Her chosen one declares that he has no trust in her, and her place in his life does not fit in with her far-reaching plans,” she adds.
One young married woman, desperate to straighten out her marriage, did not decide to divorce, but found solace on the side. The lover was aware that she was married, but it did not bother him. The romance proceeded rapidly. Beautiful words and passionate meetings - everything is as it should be. The woman’s head just went spinning, and she realized that she had fallen in love. The man also seemed very interested, and one day on a date he admitted that he wanted her to be his wife! The woman was happy. But it was not there! It turned out that the husband had long suspected something was wrong and had his wife under surveillance. When he confirmed his suspicions, he scolded his wife. In response, she calmly said that she was leaving for another man. And so she comes on a date and announces to her new chosen one that she is getting a divorce and marrying him. Do you think it's a hippie end? A surprise awaited her! The prospective groom said that he proposed out of emotion, a bad joke! In order to correct the annoying misunderstanding, he sympathetically offered to talk to her husband so that they could make peace and not get divorced,” adds Paliy .
By the way, many single men, whose plans do not include serious relationships, willingly start dating married women. The reason is simple: it’s much safer, you can always reverse.
“Let's say you're married, but you want to leave so you can immediately enter into a new marriage. How can we find understanding in this case? For example, tell us that you and your husband have been sleeping in different rooms for a long time, he offends you, you have a different value system, he expects from you what you cannot give him or he does not give you what you need. You don’t love each other, but lived together, for example, only for the sake of the children, or there were other force majeure circumstances,” the psychologist comments.
Very often, the desire to find a new man while in a relationship is provoked by the fear of loneliness and an attempt to escape from difficulties with the help of a third person - a “rescuer”. Thus, the woman shifts responsibility for the breakup to another person, explains psychologist and coach Ekaterina Kolt.
“To build strong relationships, it is recommended to first deal with the previous connection, restore order in your own soul, and only then create another union in which previous personal experience will be taken into account. Healthy relationships involve finding a life partner, not a “savior.” Only an integral person who knows how to be alone, take responsibility and solve his own problems will have an equally integral partner in life,” she said.
To become happy, a woman must learn to leave unpleasant relationships with ease, as men do, says psychologist and hypnotherapist Rosa Logue
.
“I think the only solution for a woman is to become sincere and independent. That is, if she is not satisfied with life with a man, she leaves or gets divorced, as men usually do, and children have nothing to do with it. Why does a woman unconsciously or consciously look for a new partner with her existing one? Because she is scared, she is dependent and is looking for an “alternate airfield.” Until society becomes at least half matriarchal, a woman will lie, remain silent about her true desires and raise children incorrectly,” the psychologist noted.
It is impossible to build a new happy relationship without ending the previous ones, psychologist Dmitry Sobolev is sure.
“If a woman wants a truly new relationship with a capital R, serious, high-quality, with new emotions and feelings, then being in the old one, she will not be able to do this. If she hates the man she lives with, her psyche will feel some kind of malfunction, and these malfunctions will be transferred to the new man. If we are talking about new relationships that are built thoroughly, from the foundation, on feelings and emotions, then the old man will pull the woman back to the past. To build a qualitatively new relationship, you need not only to physically leave the old one, but also to psychologically free yourself from everything and reach a level where the past does not bother or excite you,” he concluded.
Do you regret something you (not-)did?
“Yes, here it was necessary to be more patient, here - to remain silent, here - to support. Perhaps then everything would have turned out differently.” You constantly think about things done and undone, and with a high degree of probability you blame yourself for everything. You may have made mistakes in your relationship, and perhaps you need to learn from them. But you shouldn’t think about your failures non-stop, repeatedly going through all the options. Once you have decided where you really were wrong, forget about everything: endless self-flagellation will only worsen the situation - you will remember your past relationship again and again.
Remove from life all psychological anchors that evoke memories of your former passion.
What anchors need to be removed from life in detail:
- common music that you spent time listening to together;
- gifts (either hide in the basement or give to friends);
- do not go to those locations and places where you had cool dates together before;
- any forgotten things: be it clothes or a lens from a former passion that was not thrown away earlier (it’s time to throw it away);
- delete shared photos and videos on your computer, phone and other media.
Follow these steps, and you will get rid of restless thoughts about how to forget the person you love, but he doesn’t love you, without any conspiracies and other nonsense.
Are you still in shock?
If you were not emotionally prepared for the breakup, then most likely you are still in some shock. When a relationship ends slowly and gradually, people have time to prepare for the future. But when one of the partners thinks that everything is fine, and the other announces a breakup, problems cannot be avoided. You stop trusting people, doubt the correctness of your actions, analyze all the events of the last days, months and even years, trying to find the reason why everything turned out this way, instead of living in the present and thinking about the future. Check it out: your ex-love isn't worth it.
How to erase a guy from your memory
The task of how to forget your dearest, beloved person and stop thinking about him can rarely be accomplished in the shortest possible time. The best medicine is time. But by building the right tactics of behavior, you will make your existence easier.
Parting is a painful test on the path to new happiness. I will tell you further about the recommendations that you need to follow in order not to depress yourself with thoughts about your ex-boyfriend.
Do you dream of becoming the person you were during the relationship?
Very often, we miss not the partner himself, but the time spent with him - the character traits that the former relationship may have awakened in us. So many people idealize school or college love: it came at a time when everyone was young, carefree and full of energy, and therefore seems so beautiful. If you just imagine that after some time you will get together with your ex-lover, you yourself will notice that this time everything is different - there is no that lightness and butterflies in the stomach. Everyone tends to change.
Fire element
Find a quiet place to be alone. Close your eyes, imagine the person with whom you have a past relationship, imagine the threads that connect you with this person. Let those strings that pull you back become material, they stretch from you to your previous half. Look at the person sitting opposite you, forgive him, gain strength and let go.
Burn imaginary threads, watch how they burn and no longer cause you any pain. How to burn the threads is up to you, trust your feelings. In the end, nothing should bind you, let the person go into a new life and go there yourself, but only in your own way.
You continue to communicate
You may be dwelling on the past if you continue to communicate with your ex (especially if the relationship was toxic). No one forbids you to remain friends, but if you were not the initiator of the breakup, and the feelings are still alive, such a continuation will be sheer torment. Every time, instead of moving on, you open up fresh wounds and feed emotional dependence. All this applies to daily correspondence. What to do? Set boundaries and keep contact to a minimum.
I can’t forget the man I love who left me
Do everything not to think about the breakup. As soon as this thought penetrates your consciousness, remember an interesting movie, trip, read a book. Constantly find yourself company and activities so as not to be alone with your reasoning. Go on a trip, go to a cafe, go shopping, visit your relatives.
Find the negative aspects of your relationship and the positive effect of it ending. Perhaps the partner was not decisive enough, soft, mumbled, absent-minded, forgetful, irresponsible. Focus your attention on the shortcomings.
You are unhappy with your current partner
And finally, the last reason why you still can’t get your lost love out of your head, despite your new relationship. If you met someone after a breakup, but continue to idealize your ex, then the person next to you is not right for you. You shouldn’t waste your time: your current passion is unlikely to change to meet your ideals, and when you reunite with your ex-lover, you will be faced with the shortcomings that led to the breakup. Is this exactly your situation? Psychologists recommend taking a time out in your personal life and thinking carefully about everything.
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Water element
Purity is where a new relationship should begin. The first thing you need to do is do a general cleaning of the house. Along with the dirt, wash away all the past energy from your home, making room for new relationships. Give away all the things that remind you of your past relationship. Secondly, run a bath, relax, wash away everything that pulls you back.
Clear your mind of all thoughts that are associated with past relationships. Get under the shower and let the water take away everything that didn’t work out.
Thirdly, change your clothes and put on clean ones. And finally, when completing the practice, drink a glass of water, letting new, clean energy into your life.
