Why are we less friends?
Almost 8 billion people live on Earth today, but it seems that we have never been so divided. And it’s not just about quarantine measures.
American researchers have calculated that over the past 30 years, the number of close friends people have has decreased from 3 to 1.
We have begun to think less collectively; the individual, the person, rather than some group, comes to the fore. And despite the fact that it is now easier than ever to call someone on another continent or have intimate conversations at any time face-to-face via video, it is very troublesome for the modern city dweller to make friends.
First, relationships require self-disclosure and a high degree of honesty. At the same time, we now expect absolute security: a loved one should not be toxic or devaluing, otherwise the relationship will bring us suffering.
Secondly, friendship is an expensive business. She needs to sacrifice hours of joint conversations, common affairs and entertainment. Researcher Jeffrey Hall from the University of Kansas found out in 2021 that for a simple acquaintance to develop into a friendly relationship, we need about 50 hours of communication. Another 40 hours will be needed for a friendship to be called friendship, and to be considered close friends, the counter needs to be increased to 200 hours. And if this time is not particularly pleasant, nothing will come of it.
In addition, more priority relationships can get in the way of friendship.
In 2010, Oxford anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a new romantic partner displaces two friends from our inner circle.
We may be more willing to invest in loving relationships. It’s easy to tell your friends: “I have a date, so let’s put off bowling,” but try telling your girlfriend a couple of hours before a romantic meeting: “Sorry, but today I just want to relax with my friends, find out how Kolyan’s dog is doing...”
A little about material things
Of course, friends can be business partners; one can help the other in a difficult financial situation, but friendship cannot be built on monetary relations. If you see that a person is using your financial capabilities for his own purposes, he is unlikely to be a reliable support in a difficult situation. You should expect material benefits from a successful deal or a well-executed project, and not from your best friend.
Why do you need friends?
Since friendship is so complex and costly, perhaps there is no point in investing in it? Researchers believe that this is not so: good company has no worse effect on a person than a gym membership (especially considering the fact that the membership remains unused). Scientists from Brigham Young University (USA) calculated that people with weak social ties have a 50% higher risk of early death than those who have loyal friends. Such relationships are closely related to our sense of happiness or, as scientists say, level of well-being.
In 2021, German scientists from the Max Planck Institute conducted an experiment in which participants tried to become more satisfied with life in a year. One group invested in their career, self-realization, and increased earnings, while the other spent more time with friends and family. A year later, scientists surveyed people again and found out that those who focused on communication rather than on personal growth were happier.
However, when talking about friendship, we first think not about the joys of life, but about difficult moments. In 2013, VTsIOM asked Russians why they need friends.
First of all, the respondents recalled the difficult moments of life, help and mutual assistance. It is important for us to feel that we can rely on a friend.
But even if trouble has not yet come, friends are already bringing us a lot of benefits.
What is friendship?
There is one philosophical idea that says that you can force a person to do anything, but not love. Love is voluntary. We love our friends too, our comrades reciprocate if they are real. Accordingly, friendship can appear only at the behest of the heart. Sincerely and selflessly. If one person associates with another because he is rich or successful, this is not friendship. Only voluntary relationships built on mutual interest and sympathy can be like that.
How we choose friends
How can you tell if this is a real friend, or if he “suddenly turned out to be neither a friend nor an enemy, but just like that”? Can we knock on his door if we need help? Scientists believe that many surprises can await us at this moment.
Often we misinterpret the signs of others, and the person whom we considered a faithful comrade may think completely differently: he forgot that you have already spent the “required” number of hours together, or believes that you are just working together. Scientists at Tel Aviv University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said in 2016 that our intuition deceives us about half of the time. Those with whom we are ready to go on reconnaissance do not consider us close people at all. And in this case, our relationship is not a two-way street, but a pathetic single-track.
So we decide: “This person is my friend.” But what does this depend on? Who do we sign up as friends?
In 2011, Canadian scientists conducted four studies to prove what you noticed back in seventh grade: physically similar people try to get closer to each other. The researchers observed students in different settings: classrooms and laboratories. Each time the result was the same: those who wore glasses and belonged to the same sex sat next to each other.
When we find ourselves in an unfamiliar situation, things like gender, race, hair length and color, and even glasses will determine which table we sit at.
However, we make this choice without thinking. If you grab a man by the button and ask why he is walking towards a crowd of red bearded men, he will only shrug his shoulders and rub his beard.
We are accustomed to thinking that we need to communicate with a variety of people. In 2021, the British company Ipsos Mori surveyed about 20 thousand people from 27 countries, including Russia, about how they choose their mates. The majority answered that they were ready to be friends with different people, and half said that they would listen to other people’s opinions, even if they did not agree with them. But further questioning revealed that we are not particularly eager for other opinions: it turned out that we more often choose people of the same age and level of education as us.
Neuroscientists from Dartmouth College conducted a study in 2021 - they placed young people in an MRI machine and showed them various videos: music videos, political propaganda and cool moments from movies, while the subjects' brain activity was measured. It turned out that the more similar the neural responses to the same content were, the closer the relationships between people were. The connection was so clear that the researchers were able to accurately predict not only whether people were friends with each other, but also the social distance between them.
This explains why we confidently send Dimon stupid videos with a hiccupping panda, although neither his brother nor his mother appreciated them.
One of the most significant scientific concepts of recent years with regard to human needs is the theory of self-determination by American scientists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. She says that we have three universal needs that directly affect our motivation, behavior and ability to experience happiness:
- autonomy,
- competence,
- belonging (connection).
Through belonging, we can feel that we are not alone, but part of a community—for example, one that knows the panda joke, sits in the second row from the left, or has a gray beard. It supports our sense of identity and helps answer the question of who we are and what we are doing here. It is not surprising that Israeli scientists, who found that we are often mistaken about those close to us, complained: those whom we nevertheless signed up as friends are capable of exerting a powerful influence on us. And it will be higher than, for example, the motivating influence of money.
In general, there are three types of people:
1. Some are like food that you cannot do without.
2. The latter are like medicine, necessary only in some cases.
3. Still others are like a completely unnecessary disease. Sometimes the servant of Allah is tested by a given society, in which there is nothing joyful and useful, and therefore it is necessary to please it in order to be saved from its harm. There is great benefit in watching him, which is to observe his vile actions and actions that appear to be so, and therefore one should beware of them. After all, a happy person is one who learns from the mistakes of others. And a believer is a mirror of another believer.
Once the prophet Isa (peace be upon him) was asked: “Who raised you?” He replied: “Nobody raised me. But when confronted with the bad deeds of an ignorant person, I was wary of them.” He rightly said: “If people were careful not to do what they themselves do not want others to do to them, then their morality would improve, and they would not need educators.”
The second rule is the observance of duties in friendship. And as soon as friendship is established between people and their friendly relations increase, they are assigned responsibilities, the necessity of which is dictated by friendship itself. When performing them, many ethical rules are observed. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
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“Two friends are like two hands, one of which washes the other” (Ad-Daylami).
One day the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) entered the thicket of the forest and plucked two siwak there, one of which was crooked and the other straight. One of his companions was with him. And he gave it a straight one, but left it crooked for himself. He said: “O Messenger of God! After all, You are more worthy of equals than I am. To this the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) replied:
(ما من صاحب يصحب صاحبا ولو ساعة من نهار إلا وسئل عن صحبته، هل أقام فيه ا حق الله تعالى أو أضاعه)
“There is no person who is friends with someone for at least one hour, from whom they will not take an account on the Day of Judgment and ask whether he fulfilled his duty to Allah in friendship, or whether he let him go into ruin?”
He (peace and blessings be upon him) also said:
(ما اصطحب اثنان قط إلا وكان أحبهما إلى الله تعالى أرفقهما بصاحبه)
“When two people become friends, then the one who is more merciful and gentle with his friend is the more beloved of them to the Almighty” (Al-Hakim and Ibn Hibban).
Without friends I am a little bit, but with friends I am a lot
In general, evolutionary scientists believe that we need friends not only to laugh at memes together or to help in return for a favor (today you gave salt to your neighbor, and tomorrow he will lend you washing powder). All this is too small for evolution. After observing dolphins, sharks and monkeys, researchers decided that the role of groups is rather political: complex group alliances help you survive, especially when you swim in foreign waters.
It works in a similar way for people. Psychologist from Brandeis University (USA) Peter De Scioli analyzed profiles on social networks and came to the same conclusion as scientists who observed animals.
We are looking for people who will take our side if something happens.
Well, until the conflict happens, we can just walk together and look good from the outside. This, however, is not a joke, but also the results of a study. Psychologists from the University of California, San Diego, discovered in 2013 the so-called cheerleader effect: if you go out with friends, you look more attractive than when you go alone. And it's not about how you look compared to your girlfriend - this is a general rule. Everyone will seem more beautiful surrounded by others. Isn't this a reason to look around in search of comrades?
They also inspire you to become better.
Good friends always support you and boost your self-esteem. A true friend accepts you for who you are, even if you need to work on something. Because real friends are honest. Perhaps you put everything off until the last minute, which leads to troubles in school or at work. A good friend will not brush this off with the words: “That’s a problem for me too!” And he will try to help you improve yourself where necessary.
Good friends become role models, surround yourself with people who inspire you through their actions or lifestyle. If your friend always succeeds in exams or does well at work and moves forward quickly, he will inspire you too. True friends sincerely rejoice at your successes and never envy you, because friendship is not a competition.
They are not the enemy team, they are your personal support group. Whether it's a new relationship, a promotion. The fact is that you have lost weight and now you do not have a dream body. Yes, whatever you want, your friends are always delighted with your achievements, sometimes they are even more happy than you.
True friends make time for you. Of course we all get busy, but if you have a friend who keeps canceling meetings and making excuses or simply cutting you out of group plans. This could be a warning sign.
Beware of friends who focus solely on themselves.
All your conversations revolve around their news plans, thoughts and opinions. You shouldn't feel like you're interviewing every time. The conversation should be two-way. Friends ask how are you doing?
Because they care and are really interested; they ask you additional questions; they are interested in details; good friends listen to what you say and remember what they hear. For example, how did brushing your dog's teeth go last week?
Although you don’t even remember that you talked about it. A good friend gives you sincere compliments. There's a difference between: "You did a great job" and "You look great, better than usual."
The second option is kind of like a compliment, but with an unpleasant aftertaste.
True friends always sincerely admire you and this makes you smile and improves your mood. Friends don't talk about you behind your back. Friends are the people we trust the most and treat first and again they feel comfortable being honest with you. Because they know you will answer them in kind. This is called trust. And if they think that you did something wrong, you will be the first to hear it from them.
Beware of people who talk to you about your mutual acquaintances. If a person willingly talks about someone with you, he can also discuss you with others behind your back. Friends will never betray your trust even though they know a lot of personal things about you.
It takes courage to open up and be vulnerable, and we only do this with people we completely trust.
You can trust your friends with the keys to your house when going on vacation and you can tell them about your deepest anxieties and fears. If you feel that you can completely rely on a person and that he will keep any of your secrets, this is a good and reliable friend. You keep in touch. Again, we all get busy, but true friendship does not fade over time. You may not write or talk on the phone for several days or weeks. But still, true friends do not forget about each other, even if you live far away and cannot see and talk often.
There are social networks, video calling. There is no need to rush to conclusions. If you think about what's going on in your friend's life. Maybe he just started a new job that is taking up all of his time. Perhaps this is happening to you too. Maybe we ourselves don’t write and ask how he’s doing.
As soon as you get in touch again, check with your eyes whether you are still comfortable with this person? We are constantly changing and we can move away from each other, this happens. But no matter how many years pass, a true friend will never become a stranger.
How to find a friend? or looking for your best friend.
There are two options to find your best friend. Simple and complex. Let's start with something simple. If you are closed and avoid any close contacts, you cannot imagine that you can open up to a person. Then the option before you is to trust in fate. The chance that fate will be favorable is not great. This chance is that you will meet a real person. You will understand this immediately. He may seem strange to you, not like ordinary people, but there will be “fire” in his eyes. “Fire” that can ignite you. You will not notice how you want to open up to such a person; when he notices you, he will ensure that you open your soul. And he will listen and support.
Another option, if it is difficult to find friends, is to become such a person yourself. The above will help you out. Light a fire within yourself and share with those you consider worthy of your fire. Contradictions will be erased, and you can become best friends. But remember, everyone deserves a best friend, but not everyone appreciates it. Look at your surroundings, if you are confident in it, then go ahead. Take risks and open your soul! Share the fire.
How to become a leader in a team important aspects...
You must go towards friendship in order to understand where to find a true friend. Thematic courses can help with this. Related to your hobbies. If you like to run, go to a running class, play chess, go to a chess club, and there you will already make a friend. And after a period of time, this friend will move into the category of the best. And your friend will become your best friend and you will learn how to be friends with your friends.
You can find friends with similar interests on social networks. If you love anime and cross-stitch, then you need such an environment. There will already be a topic for communication. This search can be done by interests or in a group you are subscribed to. Enter the group and look for people from your city.
A friend found in this way can become a special friend. Be patient and don't forget what you've learned.
If a person is important, there will be time.
Friendship is like a relationship, it takes two to make it work. If you constantly have to run after someone, it's time to wonder why he never contacts you first. Every time you change your schedule to make the meeting possible, it’s worth wondering why your friend doesn’t do the same.
A true friend is always there when you need him. You shouldn't feel bad about apologizing for your concern. If your friends make time for you, it's a great sign that they are genuine. A good friend really cares about you.
Not about money or a car, not about your connections, not about the number of subscribers and likes, but about you.
Some friends may only contact you when they need something. And as soon as they receive it, they disappear again. For example, when they want to borrow a video game from you or need a ride somewhere. The next time they loom on the horizon, history will most likely repeat itself.
Friends don't act like that; real friends are the ones who come to see you when you're sick and bring you gifts. They invite you to hang out just because and wish you good luck on your exam or interview because they remember that today is your big day. A true friend listens to you. I mean he really listens.
When you say something and the interlocutor at the same time checks the phone, looks at another part of the room or tries to support the dialogue with all sorts of “Yeah” and “Eee” - this is no good.
