Betrayal of friends - what could be more offensive! If we play with elementary associations, then next to the word “friend” we will put “faithful” or “devoted”, as next to the word “bird” - “chicken”.
In our culture, friends are practically part of the family circle, unlike Western society, where a different rule applies: friendship is friendship, but individual interests come first.
What does “betray” mean? Literally it means “to cease to be faithful, to give up, to abandon.”
We experience the first trauma of betrayal with our parents: for example, the mother pays more attention to the father than to the child. Or younger children appear in the family. The baby begins to feel abandoned, abandoned and unnecessary.
As adults, we often react as we did in childhood: with resentment, anger and despair. The betrayal of a friend hurts no less than the “betrayal” of parents, and even more.
It would seem that a friend is someone who certainly must remain faithful. Finally you have found a person you can trust! And here - stop.
Stories about betrayal often run through this theme: he or she “should” have loved you and put you at the center of their world, as if friends were parents obligated to sacrifice their interests for you.
Friendship and betrayal are almost always a story about childhood trauma. This mechanism in psychology is called projection: we “put on” the image of a mother who should be faithful to us.
And if friends in some circumstances put themselves first, and not friendship, then it hurts us very much: a friend has betrayed us! Although, by and large, you did not sign any oaths of allegiance in blood.
At the same time, expecting a minimum of loyalty from friends is quite an adequate thing. Faza Rosta analyzed 10 stories about friends and betrayal that are impossible to predict! The collapse of expectations always happens suddenly.
Best friend slept with his wife
Nikolai and I have been friends since seventh grade. Then I had problems with the older boys: they made some claims against me and were going to beat me after school.
And Kolya said: I will be with you. And if they beat you, then let them beat me too. Otherwise, what are friends for? I will remember this for the rest of my life!
And now I’m 40 years old, and I accidentally saw a message on my wife’s Viber. Kolya wrote: “Darling, the apartment will be free. Tell Seryozha that you will go to the cosmetologist. I miss your lace panties!”
I beat Nikolai and divorced my wife. I don't believe in friendship anymore. I believe that friendship and betrayal are synonymous.
Sergey, 40 years old
How to survive?
The plot about the betrayal of the best friend and wife is archetypal, that is, it occurs at all times. But such circumstances fall out of the blue on the participants in the events themselves.
Sergei experienced a double betrayal: the loss of both a friend and a woman. It's unlikely that anything can be fixed here. It is important to find the resource within yourself to leave this situation in the past.
In psychoanalysis, such a plot is associated with an unresolved Oedipus complex. What does it mean? The boy enters into competition with his father for his mother's love. Does this sound like the plot of this story?
The unprocessed “Oedipus” can be repressed into the unconscious and “shoot out” in just such situations.
Psychoanalysis is psychoanalysis, but this does not change the fact that the friend and wife acted, to put it mildly, shamelessly. Forgiving is not necessary, but letting go and moving on is the right thing to do.
Girlfriend flirts with my boyfriend
In my first year at the institute, I fell in love with a young man with whom my best friend Alena was in love. They didn’t have anything yet, but Alenka already considered it hers.
He invited me to dance at one of the parties. I agreed, although I knew that my friend had a crush on him. But I believed that there was nothing seditious in one dance.
What started here! Alena threw me into complete hysterics. They never started dating that guy, but I remember that scandal well. She accused me of betrayal, although in the end we made peace.
And we agreed, as it seemed to me, for the rest of our lives: not to fight off each other’s guys.
Now I live with a young man. And it seems to me that Alena is actively making eyes at him! I tell her: how can this be? She replies that nothing like that happened, and it seemed to me. However, “it seemed to me” both the second and third time.
In the end, I broke up with her. And now I'm grieving. How to survive a friend's betrayal?
Tatyana, 25 years old
How to survive?
It's a shame that an agreement was concluded - not to beat off the guys, but one of the partners, it turns out, violated it. Although there are a lot of nuances in this situation.
Maybe the friend really didn’t try to fight off the young man, but simply behaved in accordance with her instinctive feminine program?
Sometimes flirting is just a way to have a good time and doesn't mean anything more. Many women flirt unconsciously, and blaming them for it is useless.
It is important for Tatyana to have a heart-to-heart talk with her friend and find out: does Alena understand how her behavior looks from the outside?
There is also a question about relationships in couples. Stories about betrayal by friends may turn out to be stories about distrust of a partner.
Types of betrayal
When we think of betrayal, we often imagine sexual flings or dramatic best friend relationships ending in disaster and a TV soap opera finale. However, betrayal is not always so simple, and it does not always happen exactly as shown in films and TV series. Sometimes we betray the people closest to us without even realizing what we have done.
There are different types of betrayal - betrayal of friends, betrayal of a loved one, betrayal of family
Betrayal of a friend and girlfriend
Betrayal based on friendship comes in many forms: from stealing or refusing a job you want to get, to gossip or divulging something you told him in confidence. Such betrayals and disappointments are woven into friendships more often than we think.
In one study, 68% of people surveyed reported that they had been betrayed by a friend at some point in their lives. Even close and loving friends can betray each other - sometimes intentionally, and sometimes without intent or without even realizing what they have done. This happens because friendship involves the interaction of the inner worlds of several people. Each friend's personality, needs and past experiences influence the relationship, and each of us will perceive what is happening differently (sometimes dramatically).
Betrayal of the State
High treason is the act of betraying one's government or association. When rebels stage a coup against the government, it is treason. Speaking against the leader of your country is treason, which is often punishable by death. Betrayal of one's military leader can result in death in some countries and imprisonment and dishonorable discharge in others. In business, conspiring with others to oust an executive or promote oneself is treason.
Betrayal of a loved one
When you discover your significant other's sexual betrayal, it plunges you into pain, loss and grief. Of course, betrayal of a loved one is not limited to just physical connection with another person. This could be a violation of obligations or promises, humiliation, beatings, violence. In this case, the term betrayal is quite broad. Consequences can lead to the following:
Losing trust in your partner
Losing a relationship you thought you had for the rest of your life
Loss of trust in others
Loss of self-esteem
Losing the future you imagined with your partner
Loss of self-confidence
Even loss of trust in higher powers
Some women say it undermines the very basis of trust in everyone and everything
A friend got married!
Of course, this sounds a little strange, but I consider it a betrayal... The marriage of my best friend.
Not marriage itself, of course, but the fact that after marriage she completely stopped giving me time and does not take my feelings into account.
We have been friends since childhood and spent almost all our free time together. And now she even reacts dryly to my phone calls. I don't demand that she go with me to concerts and restaurants every day like I used to.
But is a man a reason to cut a girlfriend out of life?
Marina, 32 years old
How to survive?
Oh, this jealousy! Like a three-year-old child who suddenly realized that mom and dad were closing their bedroom door for some reason.
Unfortunately, everything in this life sometimes ends: both youthful friendship and blissful ignorance that someone can belong to you entirely.
If Marina can accept the fact that her friend, in fact, does not owe her anything, the relationship will be able to improve and move into a new format. Friendship can be not only youthful, but also adult: with respect for the personal space of the other.
Friends spread gossip
My friends and I are like in the movie “The Irony of Fate” - we go to the bathhouse. And not only on December 31, but every week. The conversations we have in the sauna are the most intimate.
I thought that I could trust my men, and the content of our conversations would not go beyond these walls. But the reality turned out to be sadder.
It turns out that my (now ex) friend Sasha was telling his wife about my problems with my girlfriend, and my friend Dima (also ex) managed to tell his mutual acquaintances what a loser I am because I don’t earn much.
Sergey, 24 years old
How to survive?
If there was no agreement to keep a secret, then there is no one and nothing to blame. It seems that Sergei is ashamed of his problems and does not want them to be known to a wide circle. A completely understandable desire!
It is possible that the friends did not want to offend at all: they were simply not aware of how intimate things were being shared with them, and how important confidentiality was.
Although discussing someone behind their back is, in any case, basic bad manners.
A friend gave up on business
I am 35 years old and have always been an employee. And so I wanted to finally start working for myself! For a long time I couldn’t figure out what kind of business to open - all the ideas seemed somehow unprofitable.
But one day it dawned on me: why reinvent the wheel? You can follow the beaten path! And I took out the money I had saved, added some credit, and opened a hamburger stand not far from my house.
The location was good: there was not a single street food outlet in the surrounding area.
But this did not last long. I have a friend, Alexey. I even considered him a friend. He knew about all my plans, moreover, he advised a bank where I could get a loan at low interest rates.
And suddenly! A few months after I started trading, he opened his own shawarma stall. Where would you think? 100 meters from my hamburgers! He could not help but understand that he would take clients away from me.
I think he should have at least discussed his plans with me! I think my ex-friend betrayed me.
Vasily, 35 years old
How to survive?
Of course, the person could not help but understand that he would compete with his friend. On the other hand, he himself will have to compete.
In the context of business, this is called the free market, but in the context of relationships, the friend’s action is not the most disrespectful.
It is difficult to call such behavior with the big word “betrayal”: it is unlikely that Vasily and his comrade owe each other anything. At the same time, the situation shows quite clearly: in a friend’s value system, money is more important than relationships.
And a discrepancy in fundamental things usually brings friendship to naught even without any specific actions.
What is good and what is bad?
It is possible to assess whether a particular act is a betrayal only by the emotional state and perception of the situation as a whole by the deceived person. It is important to understand that from a moral point of view, a schoolgirl who told someone her friend’s secret and a husband who has been deceiving his wife for many years in a row are completely equal. In classical psychology, betrayal is an incident that inevitably entails moral injury. A non-specialist simply cannot assess its scale from the outside. As for specific actions, there are hundreds of ways to betray: from carelessly thrown words to real physical impacts that can lead to harm to health or even death of a person.
My friend fired me from her job
For a long time I could not find something to do that I liked and was unemployed. One day, my friend, who manages a fairly large company, suggested: Anya, how about I hire you as my assistant?
According to a friend, she cannot trust anyone, since each of her colleagues is aiming for her chair. And she could trust me as a family member.
I, a stupid woman, agreed. I thought - why not help? And then it began. My friend sent me a barrage of criticism.
Either I sent the documents at the wrong time, then I didn’t answer her call in the middle of the night, or I looked at my colleague with the wrong look. A friend set me some absolutely impossible tasks!
One fine day she told me: “Anya, I’m disappointed in you and have to fire you.” It was like a bolt from the blue!
During my time working in this company, I was forced to refuse two very tempting offers. I didn’t want to quit and betray my friend! And it turned out that she betrayed me.
Anna, 31 years old
How to survive?
Business hierarchical relationships with friends or relatives are always fraught with tension.
Expectations are high on both sides: the boss often expects selfless devotion and sacrifice from his subordinate friend, while the subordinate friend expects concessions and special conditions.
In addition, questions not of friendship, but of status come to the fore: why is she, the boss, commanding me? On what basis does a subordinate behave in a familiar manner?
Both lose! Issues of work, status and hierarchy have destroyed more than one friendship.
Why? Because in close relationships we often dissolve our boundaries, but at work we try to strictly observe them. This results in a dangerous confusion of contexts.
A friend didn’t help me get a good job
For several months I dreamed of taking the position of sales director in a foreign company. Legends were made about this company in our circles - they spoke well of literally everything: from the size of bonuses to the scope of corporate events.
But most importantly, I liked the product itself. This was what I know how to sell and want to sell. It seemed to me that this job was literally created for me. But there was never an opportunity to get there.
And then I find out that the head of the HR department in that company is my old friend from college. We didn’t communicate for some time, but we didn’t quarrel, and I still have the warmest memories of my student friendship.
I thought I had caught my luck by the tail! But my friend refused my request to recommend my candidacy to management. He motivated the refusal by saying that he would feel embarrassed if I failed to cope with the tasks.
I've never encountered anything like this! In my understanding, friends should help! Otherwise, it turns out that your friend betrayed you?
Andrey, 30 years old
How to survive?
One gets the feeling that Andrei confused betrayal with elementary refusal. There is nothing unexpected in the fact that the person did not want to mix friendly and business relationships.
Each of us has the right to take care of our status and reputation, even to the detriment of the interests of others. The friend didn’t want to take risks: what if Andrei turned out to be incompetent? Then the reputation of the HR person who recommended him will suffer.
For adults, refusal is usually not a reason to break off friendships.
A friend complained to her boss
Over the past couple of years, I have become close friends with my colleague. We have almost the same positions, we are both account managers in an advertising agency. We became such close friends that I began to trust her with all my secrets!
Once I made a big mistake in my work. I quickly corrected it, and no one knew about the existence of the error except my friend.
But one day at a planning meeting, my boss publicly reprimanded me! It turns out he learned everything from my colleague. I think that I have encountered betrayal, and I do not need such friendship.
Katerina, 29 years old
How to survive?
It’s a shame when you are “surrendered” to your mother, teacher, boss. Perhaps the friend was guided by her own career interests, perhaps she wanted to increase her importance in the eyes of her boss.
But whatever her motives, betrayal remains betrayal. Here all that remains is to sympathize and advise not to give up trusting people in the future.
How to help someone get out of depression
According to psychologists, the first step is to determine whether a person really suffers from depression. Often people themselves are not aware of their depression. Mostly people who are just very tired complain of depression. A person who is depressed will never say so himself. He does not complain of fatigue, personal or professional problems, he lives an ordinary life, but the world around him becomes indifferent to him.
To help someone who is depressed
, you need to act carefully and unobtrusively. Sometimes persistence is necessary, but only in certain cases.
If one of your loved ones has unexpectedly changed, become withdrawn and is trying to reduce any communication to a minimum, then it is quite possible that these are manifestations of depression. And to help him, try to get him out of his voluntary confinement. Moreover, this must be done in such a way that the person understands that his company is extremely necessary for you. Say, for example, that you cannot move the car yourself, and he will help you a lot by correcting your actions. Or that you are afraid to go alone to make any serious purchase.
Call this person more often, ask about his affairs and plans. And also constantly consult with him, if necessary, then pretend that without his help you will not be able to cope with your problems. Give him a reason to feel important.
If the attempts you make do not lead to the desired result, still try not to leave the person alone. The feeling of being “abandoned” will only worsen his condition.
Important to remember! People who experience severe pain because of someone's betrayal sometimes tend to take it out on their loved ones. But such behavior is destructive. Those you care about are not to blame. If you offend them, you will greatly regret it later.
Friend didn't help with money
My school friend became a fairly wealthy man. And I work in an average job with an average salary. Money issues have never been an obstacle to our friendship.
In any case, my salary allows me to pay for myself in a restaurant, and I have never envied big money.
But one day I needed a large sum for my mother’s treatment abroad. I wanted to borrow from Dmitry, but he said that his principle is not to help with money and not to lend. In the end everything was fine with my mother, but our friendship came to an end.
Mikhail, 42 years old
How to survive?
A classic phrase can be said about such a story: a friend did not help in trouble. We live in a society in which well-known laws apply: do not do evil, do good.
Helping a friend, and even a friend in need, is one of these unspoken cultural norms.
Given the context of the situation, such behavior can be called antisocial. Of course, our world is quite cruel, but there should be warmth and support in it!
It is difficult to survive the betrayal of a friend, but time is always a good doctor.
Mechanism of betrayal
According to studies conducted on various cases of betrayal, it was concluded that each action has a motive and personal psychological problems. The most striking motive was fear. It is he who encourages people to act not according to moral standards. In such a situation, when you cannot resist a person, the qualities of a weak person begin to work. The second most popular motivation for action is uncertainty and irresponsibility. In some cases, people do not know what to do correctly and choose the easiest way - to transfer responsibility to others. Also, those who have already been betrayed are broken to such an extent that they do not believe in honesty and loyalty in people, because of the fear that they will be betrayed again, they do it more quickly. That is, we can say that one betrayal gives rise to another, it’s a vicious circle.
The desire to maintain seemingly good relationships leads to self-betrayal. For example, take the wives of alcoholics. In an alcoholic state, they do different things. But women endure everything so as not to remain lonely, while killing all their vital resources. Moreover, they are trying to save their husband from alcohol addiction. Most often it is to no avail.
My friend won't give me a large sum
My story is as old as time. I lent a large sum of money to a friend; she needed it for her children’s education. We agreed that he would give it back in a year.
After the specified time, she stopped answering my calls and messages. Another year has passed. I don't feel sorry for the money as much as I feel for the relationship. 20 years of friendship!
Svetlana, 39 years old
How to survive?
Indeed, money does not buy happiness. But in them too! Svetlana should contact law enforcement. Still, embezzling other people's money is a real crime.
The friendship has come to an end anyway; it is unlikely that after such deception it is possible to restore the relationship. Betrayal can hurt our feelings even more than financial abuse. And taking possession of someone else's property is violence.
It is important to find the strength to move on: to continue to believe in friendship, love and people.
If one friend turns out to be a traitor, this does not mean that loyalty does not exist in principle. Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
Is there any benefit
While relationships are generally better if there are fewer rather than more instances of betrayal, there is one significant relationship benefit that can be derived from the experience of betrayal: betrayal and the behavior of both partners in response to it provide an excellent opportunity to assess the partner's motives. in relation to yourself.
Because betrayal typically pits the motives of the victim and the perpetrator against each other, it often creates circumstances in which people may evaluate a partner's willingness to work to improve the relationship. For example, if the perpetrator of the betrayal is clearly upset by the pain caused to the victim and sincerely makes amends, the victim may become more confident in the relationship than before the betrayal occurred. Likewise, if the victim forgives the betrayal despite having every right to hold a grudge, the perpetrator learns valuable information about the victim's commitment to the relationship. In short, while betrayal often hurts relationships, it can sometimes provide an opportunity to strengthen them.
