Codependency - how to stop being a victim and start taking care of yourself?

In this article we will tell you:

Concept of self-flagellation
The main reasons for self-flagellation
3 degrees of self-flagellation
Signs of self-flagellation
7 tips for solving the problem of self-blame
An effective technique for breaking the habit of self-flagellation

Almost certainly everyone at least once in their life was struck by the thought: “But I’m engaged in self-flagellation!” But for many it develops into a habit and becomes almost a way of life. Such people often do not even realize the very fact of unhealthy self-criticism, confusing it with constructive criticism carried out by an inner voice.

This doesn't lead to anything good. Self-flagellation is a very destructive phenomenon, which ultimately affects a person’s emotional and even physical health. In fact, this is a real disease. And like any other ailment, it must be treated.

What can codependency be?

Classic codependency is when one person directs all efforts for the benefit of another person.
At the same time, he acts to the detriment of his needs and desires. If a drug addict or alcoholic appears in a family, the rest of the household adapts to his behavior and begins to live by caring for the “poor drowning man.” At the same time, they forget about themselves, which gradually leads to disastrous consequences. Ignoring personal needs is fraught with low self-esteem and the development of psycho-emotional diseases.

Codependency can be of two types:

codependent relationships between husband and wife, friends (not relatives);
codependent relationships between relatives (children and parents).

How to protect yourself and loved ones from suicide? Interview with a clinical psychologist

— Do you think the pandemic will affect the number of suicides in the country?

— Because of the coronavirus, people are directly faced with the fear of death. Moreover, in two aspects: physically - fear of the virus itself, fear of being infected, and economically - the issue of survival.

And suicide is not a desire to die, it is a search for a way out. When a person is in pain, when he cannot find any solution, consciousness becomes tunnel-like and leads to only one outcome.

In a pandemic situation, the situation itself contributes to the fact that people cannot stand it. Therefore, I think the percentage of those who cannot find another way out will grow.

— How, in your opinion, can we reduce the number of suicides in Russia?

— The most important thing that can be done to prevent suicide is to inform and organize psychological education. Primarily in schools. This is lacking in Russia.

It is necessary to explain to people from childhood how their psyche works, where and how suicidal thoughts come from; talking about helplines, free psychological help centers and that going there is normal and even correct.

From time to time we need to remind everyone that it is not crazy people who go to psychologists, psychologists help healthy people.

If there is a need to see a specialist, but there is no financial opportunity to visit a clinic, you can use helplines or online psychological help resources. In Russia there are websites and hotlines that provide psychological support for free. Here are some of them:
Helplines:
(812) 323-43-43 - for adults (24 hours a day);
8-800-2000-122 - for children (24 hours a day);
(812) 714-42-10, (24 hours a day) - drug treatment assistance;
8-800-100-01-91 (24 hours a day) - for cancer patients and their relatives;
(812) 325-48-47 (from 11:00 to 18:00) - for people who are faced with problems of sexual and physical violence, drug addiction, HIV;
8(800) 201-27-45 - psychological assistance in solving problems related to coronavirus, quarantine and isolation.
Free psychological assistance services:
psychological assistance to adolescents and young people;
support for representatives of the LGBT community;
emergency psychological assistance service of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia;
psychological assistance to adolescents;
“We are near” is an emergency psychological aid fund created during the pandemic.
Almost all cities and regions of Russia have their own hotlines for urgent psychological assistance. To find them, just type “psychological help line” and the name of the city into a search engine.

— You worked on the emergency psychological help hotline. In what cases do people go there and how do specialists help?

— Over the phone, the psychologist listens to the client, communicates with him, relieves emotional stress and, if he has a tragedy, helps him realize and accept it. Usually this is enough.

My colleagues from the emergency psychological assistance center periodically visited schools, told us how to contact us, and left their number. After that there was always a flurry of calls. Most, of course, have fictitious stories. But we enjoyed every conversation.

After such a call, even if it is just a prank, the teenager understands that they listened to him, tried to help, and the specialists took even this fictitious case seriously. This means that in a truly difficult situation, the child will have the thought in the subcortex that somewhere they will definitely try to understand him.

A person who is now feeling unwell has a much better chance of living if he has previously encountered any information about psychological help. At a minimum, he will know that there is somewhere to turn and that he will definitely not be left completely alone.

— How can you understand that a friend or relative is “not feeling well right now,” even to the point of suicidal thoughts? This is not always visible from the outside.

— Each person has his own individual characteristics, habits, character traits. But if something has changed dramatically in your loved one, then this is a reason to pay attention and clarify the reasons. If a person’s sleep pattern suddenly goes wrong, he begins to undereat or, conversely, overeats, withdraws into himself, or stops paying attention to his appearance—most likely, you should worry about him.

There is also a more difficult story - self-harm. They always talk about self-aggression. Suicide is its final stage.

Often, a depressive state also leads to suicide: low mood, lack of desires, lethargy, pessimistic outlook for life.

It is important to always be attentive to your loved ones. Post-mortem studies of suicide have shown that during their lifetime, people who committed suicide necessarily had the prerequisites for this. In recent days, the person somehow showed his intentions: he read unusual books, watched films, was in a sharply elevated mood, or bought instruments. People around simply didn’t notice and didn’t react.

— What should you do if a loved one has any of these signs?

“At the very least, this is a reason to make contact with him.” Try to figure out what’s going on on your own: be there, listen, try to help. If the behavior of a loved one has changed dramatically, but he does not make contact, there may be a suicidal risk and you need to urgently contact a psychologist.

— Adolescents are considered to be at risk for suicide. How should parents behave to reduce the likelihood of tragedy?

— Teenagers are impulsive, they are easily “infected” with ideas and are highly susceptible to outside influence. At this age, a wall of alienation often grows between children and parents. The child has nowhere to go, parents become enemies for him.

To reduce the risk of suicide, children should not be allowed to withdraw completely. Parents must listen to the child and, most importantly, accept him. At this age, children try, discover new things, and they have the right to do so.

For example, if a teenager dyed his hair green, there is no need to judge him, it is better to discuss it, try to understand what he wants to say by this.

A child should always have a person who can support him in any situation. After all, suicide is about loneliness. Moreover, loneliness is not the actual absence of people nearby, but a lack of understanding.

If a person is left alone with a bunch of problems that, in his opinion, cannot be solved, he simply does not see any other way out.

— Based on your experience, what most often led people to suicidal thoughts?

— There are many reasons for suicidal mood, but depression is considered the main one. Also, the idea of committing suicide often appears during a period of crisis - some kind of change, when old ways of coping with difficulties have stopped working, and new ones have not had time to appear. For example, changing jobs, getting married, getting divorced, moving, or having a child. This is due to adaptation: some people get used to it faster, while others find it very difficult to adapt.

Symptoms of codependency

The most obvious symptoms of codependency are:

An obsessive desire to control the lives of others. The codependent devotes himself entirely to the dependent. He tries to control every step and sincerely worries about any actions of the addict. Attempts are being made to influence not only behavior, but also the impression made by a particular family on others. The more severe the condition of the dependent and the worse the situation in the family, the more actively the codependent tries to correct it. He will blackmail, beg and persuade the addict, agreeing to any conditions to achieve his goals. At the same time, the codependent will regularly emphasize the dependent’s helplessness, his inability to make decisions and actions. Often, attempts at universal control lead to depression and attacks of sudden uncontrollable anger in the codependent.
Low self-esteem. Codependents are always dissatisfied with themselves, their family, and the state of affairs. They try their best to make a positive impression on others. And when they fail to do this, they become very upset, become depressed, and take all the blame upon themselves. Families created by such people inherit pathological behavior. In the absence of praise and support from others, codependent individuals can become nervous and intolerant.
Denial of attachment pathology and downplaying problems. Codependents can prove to the best of their ability the addict’s “normality” and the absence of obvious personal problems. This behavior is driven by fear of judgment and loneliness.
Dominance of template attitudes. Codependents are sure that “relatives need to be helped”, “love endures everything”, “there is heaven in the hut with your dear one”, “you cannot abandon a friend in trouble.” It is these beliefs that motivate them to take pathological care of the addict.
Denial of social responsibility. All negative actions of codependents are attributed to the “addict’s illness.” The relationship turns into a “victim and sadist” format - the codependent shows love and care, and the dependent allows himself to “pranks” in the form of drinking, using chemicals, violence, and insults. At the same time, codependents evaluate their behavior positively, calling it the ability to love a person with all the shortcomings.
Problems with self-expression. It is difficult for a codependent to express his opinion, emotions, experiences. Such a person cannot firmly say “I don’t like this.” He doesn't have his own point of view.

Causes of codependency

Codependency usually develops in people who grew up in antisocial families. Since childhood, they have seen an example of behavior that they imitate in adulthood. Surely in such families one of the relatives faced addiction, and the other one pleased him. Most often, the alcohol dependent was the father, and the sufferer was the mother. At the same time, the child was forbidden to express his own feelings: he was constantly pulled back, told what was right and wrong, and was forbidden to cry and laugh in certain family situations.

Sometimes a completely healthy person who grew up in a completely normal family becomes codependent. Codependency develops due to marriage with an addict. If such an alliance persists for a long time, symptoms of codependency gradually appear even in a person without an initial predisposition.

Social institutions play a critical role in the formation of codependency. Society imposes the following on us:

a woman must endure;
women have no right to vote;
the man is the head of the family;
the family must be preserved for the sake of the children;
There are no perfect relationships.

Elements of codependency can be seen in any social sphere. For example, subordinates are dependent on their superiors, believers are dependent on the church, students are dependent on their educator or teacher.

Even after breaking up a toxic relationship, a codependent retains his usual pattern of behavior and practices it in new relationships. The only way to break out of the vicious circle is to recognize the problem and fight it, which is often impossible without the intervention of a specialized specialist (psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist).

Definition of concept and types

What is self-destruction? This is a state when destructive thoughts negatively affect the perception of the world. During self-destruction, negative thoughts, emotions or actions can threaten a person’s life and mental health.

Aggression is not always evil. Aggression is inherent in nature. It serves to throw out negativity. In the animal world, aggression is always directed at someone, but in the human world, the most terrible aggression is directed inside one’s own consciousness. This is where the desire for self-destruction comes from

There are 5 main types of self-destruction:

Control over everyone. People who are convinced that they know the only right solution and way out of any situation. They strive to control everyone, although in reality they are dependent on others.
Please everyone around you. This is the only way a person feels his importance in society, the only way he understands that he can be useful. It is difficult for him to understand what he himself wants.
Endless torment. The “ideal” program of self-destruction in a person. He is convinced that life is pain. If there are no problems, they urgently need to be created, and then look for a way out. Only this model of behavior is acceptable; in complete calm, discomfort sets in.
Workaholics. Work comes first, and a lot of work is even better. These people feel irritated towards people who are having fun and are not busy dealing with work issues from morning until late at night.
Perfectionists. They take on only those tasks in which they are confident. They do not forgive themselves for mistakes and mistakes, so they may seem lazy, because they can handle only small tasks. They get annoyed if someone is not as perfectionist as they are.

There are also tap dancers. People with a large circle of acquaintances, but a small range of responsibility. They are afraid of serious relationships.

Consequences of codependency

Codependency can develop into a number of psychological and physical problems. Long-term suppression of one's own desires eventually leads to complexes and distortion of self-esteem. The codependent develops depression, which leads to:

various psychosomatic disorders;
lack of appetite;
suicidal tendencies;
complete self-destruction.

Codependents are susceptible to various mental disorders. These could be phobias, fears, depersonalization, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Codependents often develop VSD, neuroses, nervous asthma, and physical exhaustion. Left unaddressed, codependency is fraught not only with psycho-emotional problems, but also with deteriorating health. Against this background, extremely serious pathologies can appear: heart failure, hypertension, ulcerative processes in the gastrointestinal tract.

How to stop being codependent?

Codependency is usually a family disease. Therefore, both the addict and the victim must undergo treatment. It is better when treatment is carried out in parallel. To get rid of codependency, various psychotherapeutic techniques are used:

group and personal sessions with a psychologist;
educational lectures;
learning ways to deal with stress;
reading books and watching videos with successful healing stories;
conversations with those who have recovered to share experiences;
keeping diaries and filling out questionnaires;
lifestyle changes;
behavior correction.

Treatment should be carried out in a hospital setting. Only in this way can the codependent be fully controlled and, if necessary, therapy can be adjusted in a timely manner.

Codependents in hospital do not have the time or opportunity to continue toxic relationships. This is an important condition for successful rehabilitation. A person literally learns to live in a new way, without the main irritant - the object of addiction.

In addition to psychotherapy, codependency can be easily treated with physical therapy. The patient needs to change their lifestyle, adjust their sleep and wakefulness patterns, and switch to a healthy diet. You should also exercise, walk more in the fresh air and increase your activity.

The Resident-ReNa rehabilitation center has everything you need for a comfortable stay and full treatment of various types of addiction. Professionals with extensive experience who love and value their patients work here. An individual recovery program is selected for each person, depending on the indications, needs and severity of the pathological condition.

How to change your attitude towards yourself?

To change your attitude towards yourself and give up self-flagellation, try five simple practices.

Being kind to yourself is just as important as being kind to other people. Don't say to yourself what you wouldn't say to your loved ones for fear of offending them.
Appreciate your achievements - observe and notice the harsh comments that you make about yourself. Every night, make a list of five things you can praise yourself for.
See your mistakes as learning opportunities - you can't go a long way without making mistakes, without ever taking a wrong turn. Every mistake opens up new opportunities and horizons for us.
Be tolerant of yourself - the habit of noticing your every mistake has been formed over the years and you cannot get rid of it without effort. Initiating positive self-talk isn't easy, but it needs to be done every day. And the main thing is not to judge yourself for mistakes and calmly change for the better.
Don't compare yourself to others - there will always be someone better and comparing yourself to those who are more successful guarantees losing. In life, each of us plays so many roles that each of them simply cannot be the best. You are not perfect, just accept that fact and focus on becoming the best version of yourself, not someone else.

Prevention of mutual dependence

Prevention of codependency should begin in early childhood. The main method of prevention is proper child upbringing. Parents should take care of developing adequate self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-confidence. You cannot forbid a child to openly show emotions, express feelings and desires.

If a dependent person appears in the family, the willingness to resist the pathological attraction should be put in the foreground, and not sympathy and pity. This is the only way to overcome addiction without becoming codependent and save your family.

If addiction and codependency appear, contact the Resident-ReNa rehabilitation center. Trust the professionals! Don't be ashamed of psychological problems! Take care of your future and the emotional health of your children!