How to stop being too kind, or when kindness should come with fists

• September 14, 2018
• Psychology of Personality
• Sergey Severny

Oddly enough, the question of how to stop being kind appears more and more often. The generation raised by women, and this is indeed the case when it comes to the CIS, is distinguished by too pronounced diplomacy and a lack of inner core. Unfortunately, this is indeed true. How often can you notice a situation at school when a troubled teenager bullies a quiet excellent student, whose grandmother asks him to behave civilly and politely? Maybe he is weaker than his opponent? Not at all, he just has an internal limiter, which is considered to be that same kindness and naivety. He will never allow himself to hit back, because he considers aggression as a measure to violate his own boundaries unjustified and “bad.”

Allow yourself to be tougher

If you don’t know how to refuse and out of the kindness of your heart you help other people in everything, most likely it’s a matter of a deep feeling of guilt and the desire to be good for everyone. You are afraid that they will think badly of you and that they will judge you.

The whole problem lies in childhood. Feelings of guilt and fear of condemnation are formed in parent-child relationships. Take time to remember your childhood. For whom have you always tried, wanted to be good? Which adult stopped any of your attempts to defend your “I”? Perhaps it is a strict mother or an emotionally distant father.

Now come back to the present again and realize that you are no longer that little child, but an adult. You are not dependent on other people, as you were dependent on your parents as a child. Now you can freely express yourself and be tougher if necessary.

Remember this phrase: I am not against you, I am for myself. Calm down like this when you feel guilty.

It happens that the trauma inflicted by parents is hidden very deeply because it brings a lot of pain. Perhaps you have a strong fear of rejection, so you try to be gentle and comfortable. A psychologist will provide assistance. He will show you how to safely defend your interests.

Is kindness a manifestation of strength or weakness of character?

It's no secret that some people feel shame when they do something good. They consider this human quality to be old-fashioned and out of step with the challenges of today's business acumen.

Sympathy for others seems to slow down the movement forward - to the heights of a career, the status of a successful and business person.

But then why do many successful people actively engage in charity work? And many of them do it anonymously?

A kind person loses what can be called “thick skin”; he is more sensitive to other people’s problems. But also to joy.

To be kind means to perceive life more fully and fully - in its entire palette of colors.

This means being much braver, because generous and noble people are not afraid to look life in the eye, and do not hide their heads in the sand when they need to lend a helping hand.

Kind people have spiritual generosity and strength, knowing that it is easier to overcome problems not alone, but when there is someone nearby who is ready to help.

To be kind is not to be afraid to ruin your precious mood because you see someone’s pain or delve into someone’s problems. This is the ability to spend your time, your life energy, emotions on another person. This means helping a person cope with problems in order to then see his joy.

By the way, being kind is not only the ability to sympathize with troubles, but also the ability to sincerely, without envy, share with someone their successes and victories. And, alas, not everyone is capable of this either.

But what is surprising is that people who are not very kind themselves have a habit of being the loudest indignant when they themselves are faced with an unkind attitude towards themselves. At this point they go into a rage and give vent to their anger in full.

Stop manipulation

Toughness and kindness can exist together. “Goodness must come with fists” - that’s what people say.

The fact that you treat others well is wonderful. But the desire to eradicate this character trait suggests that those around you are taking advantage of your kindness, and this does not suit you.

You must learn to be tough, not towards people, but towards manipulation. Then no one will be able to sit on your neck.

For example, if they ask you for a favor and say: “I don’t know how I can cope without you,” “You always help,” “Isn’t it difficult for you?”, then they are trying to play on your feelings of guilt and do not give you the opportunity to refuse.

Turn to yourself at such a moment. Answer the question: “Why don’t I want (or can’t) do this?” And honestly admit it to the other person. Think about how the request bothers you, not about what others will think of you.

Summary

Now there is no doubt that being unconsciously kind is bad. You don't have to become bad to improve things. You need to cherish healthy selfishness, respect your own and other people’s boundaries, and also be able to firmly say no. Of course, you need to be kind in your family, help true friends, but not allow yourself to be ridiculed.

How to stop being uncontrollably kind? Respect yourself, your own time and help. This does not mean that self-interest should be seen everywhere. But you should never forget about your interests.

Learn to say no

This tip is closely related to the previous one. If you always agree, people feel that you can be taken advantage of at any time. Don't bend, be uncomfortable. This will earn you more respect. And next time, if you show kindness, it will be appreciated and not taken for granted.

Refusing is absolutely normal. Do this from a place of self-care rather than fear of the person's reaction. If you have planned a vacation for Saturday, but they ask you to help and you don’t want to, then say: “No, I have plans for Saturday. I can't".

Another important point: never apologize for refusing.

I do this unconsciously. I say: “I’m sorry, but I won’t succeed...”. But why should I actually apologize?

When we formulate a phrase this way, we show the other person that we feel guilty. He picks up your signal and can use this situation for manipulation in the future. Therefore, saying “no” correctly is an effective defense mechanism.

How to show your anger correctly?

Having learned to arouse anger in yourself, you will have to learn to control .

It is better if the anger is directed at the situation and not at the person.

Try not to use physical violence , this is a criminal offense, and the consequences for you may be unpredictable in the form of injuries.

Anger is the level of intensity of emotions, they need to be thrown out in order for there to be a release.

Learn rhetoric skills. Don't stoop to insults or personalities. You must let the person know that you are angry, but at the same time you maintain self-control and the situation is in your hands.

Controlled anger allows you to take a leadership position, but at the same time it still needs to be maintained. This is effective when other methods no longer work, and you need to be the first and manage, for example, a group of people.

Set personal boundaries

You are a separate person and do not live in symbiosis with others. Therefore, you have your own space, your own time and your own comfort.

If you do everything you are asked to do, even if at that moment you were doing personal business, this is a lack of boundaries. If you allow your voice to be raised, endure rudeness and feel sorry for those who do not deserve it, you destroy your own boundaries. And then, when others hurt you, you become offended and don’t understand why life is so unfair.

Show your boundaries whenever you feel uncomfortable. For example, if you didn’t have time to cook dinner for your husband, and he criticizes you for it, don’t rush to prepare the food and apologize and show concern. State what makes you uncomfortable. Say: “I understand that you are tired and hungry, but I will not tolerate criticism.” Then you can offer solutions to the problem. For example: “I suggest cooking dinner together or ordering ready-made food.”

This is how you show that you will not allow others to control you when others want. At the same time, you won't seem angry.

Why a person should be kind: pros and cons

Remember how the cartoon old woman Shapoklyak sang: “Whoever helps people is wasting his time: you cannot become famous for good deeds!”

Is she right? Who is respected more - good people or evil ones?

Considering the contradictions of our time, the first answer that comes to mind is that the kind are not respected, but simply taken advantage of by their kindness. Their loved ones are taken away from under their noses; they are given a bunch of responsibilities and assignments; borrow money and are in no hurry to pay it back; They are not afraid to push them out of the way if the opportunity arises - if it is beneficial to do so.

Let us at least remember the fairy tale “Cinderella”: the stepmother and daughters rushed to the ball, and the stepdaughter was hung with a huge list of heavy household items.

Why not? The good will come to terms with everything, they will understand and forgive, they will regret and will not fight back. Such people do not know how to work with their elbows, making their way in life, but on the contrary, they will yield it to the weak, and even help them walk along it.

Good people don’t know how (or do they deliberately don’t want to?) walk over people’s heads, trip them up, and play not by the rules. Are they really weak?

In order to understand this issue, I propose to compare: what pros and cons await those who choose this lifestyle for themselves - to be kind. Simply put, is this life position really that good and comfortable?

Advantages

• Friendly attitude of others
• Ease of communication with people, ability to find an approach to them
• Gratitude from those who were helped (if they are, of course, adequate people)

Flaws

• Kindness can be mistaken for character weakness, which can lower your credibility
• The likelihood that they will “sit on your neck”: they will push you around, manipulate you
• The danger of becoming a victim of scammers and hypocrites

This is, so to speak, an “external” vector. It shows how others will perceive your kindness and possibly take advantage of it. Everything will depend on their integrity and your ability to understand people.

And now I propose an “internal” vector: how will this affect a person who treats the people around him kindly?

Advantages

• Harmony with the outside world
• The realization that someone needs you
• Good mood and generally feeling well
• Feeling of well-being and happiness

Flaws

• The need to sacrifice one’s interests, to let other people into one’s personal space
• Feeling awkward because someone around you is feeling unwell
• Sympathy for someone else's misfortune can darken the mood, or even ruin it
• Psychological discomfort due to the inability to say “no” (or due to the fact that you still had to say “no”)

Eliminate the fear of conflict

Good people often behave this way because they are afraid of quarrels. If you find yourself agreeing with a person's opinion just to avoid a confrontation, you need to change your behavior.

Don't be silent if you don't agree with a person. Don't let someone else's point of view be imposed on you. If you are offended, learn to respond to insults with dignity.

If you avoid conflicts with others, you will get conflict within yourself.

Sometimes other people don't even realize that you're unhappy with something because you don't voice it. So feel free to defend your right to your own opinion and independent decision-making.

Is it possible to cultivate anger for your own benefit?

Excessive anger is the presence of negative emotions. Therefore, when trying to change your character, you need to do it in such a way that you begin to feel better.

How to become angry and cruel ? If you want to dramatically change your character, pay attention to the following tips:

1. Understand the main rule: you don’t owe anyone anything , just like other people don’t owe you anything.
2. Do what you want . Forget about the opinions of others.
3. Stop answering “yes” . This fact will be very surprising to those around you, because before you have always helped them. Perhaps someone will be offended. But you take this with cold indifference, you have your own affairs and problems, and you must take care of them first.
4. Develop self -confidence .
5. You, a unique, inimitable person , no one has the right to influence your opinion.
6. Learn to defend your opinion .
   Speech must be confident, with clear pronunciation of words. Say what you think, don’t be afraid to express your opinion, arguing that the person will be offended. You are not responsible for other people's emotions, and you can say what you think. Please note that sometimes this leads to conflicts; be prepared for such a turn of events.

Give only when you have an abundance

This rule concerns the resources of a kind person who gives his time, money and attention to others without thinking about himself. This behavior is fraught with unmet needs and dissatisfaction with one’s own life. After all, people do not always give us as much good in return as we give them. There is no point in expecting this from them.

Don't give your last money to help a friend who never pays back his debts. Don’t treat someone else to your favorite snack if you really want to eat it yourself. Don't skimp on yourself in order to buy a more expensive gift for your loved one. Don't waste time helping someone else if you feel very tired and want to relax on the weekend.

You and your needs always come first. Only then come relatives, close people, friends.

How is a comfortable person formed?

When any problem arises in a person's life, sometimes we find it difficult to understand how to solve it. Before moving on to any action, it is necessary to start from the roots, from the causes of these problems. So, how is a comfortable person formed?

Of course, it is worth turning to childhood, because it is during that period that the basic guidelines for our behavior and expression of feelings are laid in us. Most likely, the comfortable person in the family did not have a tradition of expressing his own feelings. Each family member somehow did not talk about their wants and needs, and this was considered the norm. Unfortunately, we can quite often meet families in which it is not customary to talk. In such cases, the child gets used to the fact that people do not express their own feelings, do not express personal opinions, and carries this attitude throughout his life. And so we see how the child turns into a convenient person who cannot say about his own desires. As a result, he is unable to stand up for himself. At the same time, the people around him form the opinion that he will accept any behavior in his favor.

Another option for childhood events that influenced the formation of a comfortable person may be ignoring the opinions of the child and other family members. This case differs from the previous one in that loved ones made attempts to express their own desires, but they were suppressed by other family members. For example, when a father has a habit of interrupting his mother when she expresses her own dissatisfaction, or even raising his hand if another person's opinion does not coincide with his. In this way, the child gets used to suppressing his own opinion, “forming” himself into a comfortable person, so as not to be subjected to violence or condemnation. He is simply afraid to talk about his feelings and defend his own boundaries, because after this a conflict situation may occur. On the other hand, if the family instilled in the child the attitude: “Be comfortable and then they will love you,” he will try to please everyone, regardless of his own desires, in order to “earn” the recognition of those around him.

Thus, thanks to events from childhood, the child is formed into a comfortable person. He wants to feel recognized, loved and is ready to do anything for this, even if it is necessary to erase his own personal boundaries.

Become self-confident

Self-confident means having healthy self-esteem. In overly kind people it is often underestimated. Such a person is very easy to manipulate, so he becomes a victim in relationships in all areas of life.

To prevent this from happening, develop self-confidence. For this:

• become a professional in some field;
• find a passion and grow in it;
• watch your appearance;
• learn how to become self-sufficient and why it's important.

You will become stronger in spirit and will be able to stop any attempts to abuse your kindness. This will help you achieve new career successes, form a healthy relationship with your partner, and become an authoritative parent.

Qualities of a responsible person

The personality of an obligatory person is endowed with characteristic features that manifest themselves quite clearly. You will probably be able to identify them without a magnifying glass in yourself or your friends.

• Confidence in your own competence.
• High level of intelligence.
• Strength of mind.
• Punctuality.
• Understanding that his present and future depend only on him.
• The ability to solve other people's problems.
• Independent choice.
• Responsibility for your decisions and actions.
• He follows his own path, not paying attention to anyone’s opinion, but also respects generally accepted rules and laws.
• Initiative.
• Correcting mistakes, rather than complaining about them and finding someone to blame.
• He perceives failures as experience.

Prepare for a changing environment

The fear of losing loved ones from our environment is sometimes so strong that we are ready to surround them with our kindness and attention, just not to lose them. But this position is obviously a failure. If we are in a society where we are respected and not considered weak-willed and simple-minded, then the need to please everyone will simply disappear. Because others will begin to accept us as such.

When you start changing, saying no, and asserting boundaries, some people will be surprised. They may express their dissatisfaction and try to “tame” you again. And if you continue to steadfastly defend your position, it is quite possible that they will get angry and break off the relationship.

I advise you to prepare for this in advance. To avoid getting upset, think about whether you need friends who leave you as soon as you become inconvenient for them?

If your loved ones start leaving, it means they didn’t need you as a person, they only wanted your kindness, help and understanding. New ones will take their place in your life - more respectful, healthy people who understand and accept that we are all different and have the right to refuse and think about ourselves.

Is it worth becoming evil?

If your excessive kindness prevents you from living and achieving heights in your career, then it is definitely necessary to add anger to your character.

This does not mean that you should become completely evil and stop doing good deeds.

The main thing is to cultivate in yourself those character traits that will allow you to exist win-win in society and achieve your goals.

If you want to become evil, become evil, but you will have to go a long way to refract yourself and your attitudes.

It is likely that some people will turn away from you. You will refuse them, but they are not used to this. But these were energy vampires who took advantage of your gentleness and inability to refuse.

A few small tips

Playing sports will help you develop a tougher character. Especially those species where there is high competition. Boxing and wrestling are suitable for those who feel weak and too soft. You will learn to throw out negativity and manage aggression, which will have a positive impact on both your mental health and physical fitness.

Use gestures, postures and facial expressions that convey confidence. These are straightened shoulders, straight posture, raised chin. The gaze is long and direct. The smile is discreet, but noticeable. Make yourself look confident. The body will send a signal to the brain and you will feel capable of more assertive behavior than usual.

Use clear and assertive intonations when speaking. Focus on words that mean your decision. Formulate your thoughts clearly and pronounce your words confidently, as if not tolerating arguments.

Remove trigger phrases; they give the interlocutor a signal that they can put pressure on you. These are phrases like: I don’t know, maybe let’s try it, we’ll see later. Answer with specific phrases.

Exercise: How to Stop Being Kind

Write on a piece of paper 5 situations in which you acted like a kind person, but experienced discomfort. For example, you once again agreed to come to your friend and babysit her son, although you wanted to relax at home, and in general this boy annoys you. Now write what you would like to do: stay at home and read a book.

Great, now you know what to do next time to avoid discomfort. It's time to work with fear. You are afraid to refuse your friend and seem heartless and bad. Therefore, write what the worst thing can happen if you refuse her next time: she will be offended, quarrel with you, stop communicating with you and tell everyone what a cruel person you are.

Now think, will you be able to continue living if this happens? Do you even need people around you who react this way to your refusal? Your friend's reaction will show you how much she respects you and shed light on where you stand in the relationship.

Analyze each situation this way. Are your fears real and are you so afraid of them that you are willing to endure constant discomfort for the sake of others?

Two more effective techniques are described in this video:

What is meant by doing good?

From childhood we are taught that helping others is the highest virtue.
Indeed, this is a simple way to be useful to society, make it a little better, and make someone’s life easier. Sometimes it happens that a person tries his best to help someone and sincerely believes that he is acting solely for the good. But the one to whom the help is addressed is not grateful and, moreover, stops all communication. Because on his part, helping may not look like a virtue at all. Here are some examples.

• Mom doesn’t like her son’s chosen one, and she does everything to quarrel between the couple. He speaks unflatteringly about the girl or even makes up gossip about her so that the guy comes to his senses. She plants earrings and lipsticks in his apartment so that the girl decides that he is cheating and leaves. Finally, he imitates heart attacks - let him see what he brought his mother to. Naturally, she acts solely in his interests. What he understands at 25, but his mother’s heart doesn’t lie. Then he will definitely appreciate her help!
• In a conversation between two friends, one casually mentions that he will soon be looking for a new job. The old one suits him, but he feels it’s time to grow. A week later, a friend calls and says that everything has been agreed upon: his friend is looking for an employee, the interview is on Friday. And then he is offended that the good deed was not appreciated.
• The daughter wants to study physics, but the parents take the pose: “Only over our corpses!” What will she work as a physics teacher later? And in general this is not a woman’s business, it’s better to go to a translator. The daughter is still small and does not understand, so the issue is resolved. He gets a diploma and can do whatever he wants.
• At the alumni meeting, a healthy lifestyle adherent and his less “enlightened” classmate find themselves nearby. As a result, the latter, instead of having fun, listens to a lecture all evening about how he can die if he doesn’t change anything in his life. Moreover, the Zodiac is one hundred percent sure that he brings goodness and light.
• The girl posts a photo on a social network and receives a comment: “Of course, you don’t have to listen to me, but you better not wear this color and this style. If you dress differently, you will become a beauty. These things make you look older." The sender is proud of himself, because he will now help the poor fellow get out of the abyss of ignorance.

These are slightly exaggerated, but eloquent examples that immediately show what is wrong with causing good. There are also less obvious ones. For example, you, with good intentions, snatch one of someone’s bags so that it won’t be too hard for them. But before this, the person carefully distributed things by weight so as to maintain balance, and your help only hinders him. Or you start giving sensible, generally speaking, advice under a post from someone you know with a problematic story. But he didn’t ask for help, he just found the incident funny and shared it.

To help, that is, to do good - to give timely advice upon request, to provide a service that a person needs, to transfer a resource. It’s like giving the birthday person a gift that he has always dreamed of. In this case, he will feel gratitude in the most natural way.

To do good is to interfere with unsolicited advice, impose services, or think for another person. It's like trying to give a random acquaintance a denture and a poker, tied with a red ribbon, and then wondering why he refuses and is not happy.