What is verbal aggression
Verbal aggression is no less destructive than physical attacks.
It often manifests itself subtly, day after day, and makes your time in the office unbearable, says Florence Benichou, a specialist in improving the quality of life at work and general manager of the Better Human Co. coaching center.
The DARES research agency of the French Ministry of Labor has listed the signs of verbal aggression:
— degrading remarks
— contemptuous attitude
— non-recognition of labor
Marie Pezet, Doctor of Psychology, consultant on improving the working climate, noted that 30% of employees in France have experienced this at least once.
DARES noted that aggressive behavior is more common in organizations where:
— there are no clear boundaries in the work schedule and in relationships within the team
— lack of material resources
— strict supervisor-subordinate boundaries are established
Workers who experience aggression from coworkers are more likely to complain about health problems, have accidents at work, and take time off work.
Marie Pese:
A stressful work environment makes employees more anxious, and for some, anxiety manifests itself through aggression. People who work in stressful conditions are 66% more likely to be aggressive than others.
This behavior is often aggravated by ignorance of the law by employers, who must prevent it and repel the aggressor.
IDEWE Group, a specialist in preventing such incidents at work, conducted a survey among 45,000 French workers. It showed that every ninth employee faces insults, threats of physical violence or aggression.
The construction, public service and industry sectors are most susceptible to intra-team aggression (58.3% of cases). And in the healthcare and education sectors, aggression from the outside is more common, primarily from clients (64.9% and 57.4%).
Express anger in a safe space
It is not safe to express one's anger in a situation where there is a strong inequality of power between the parties. For example, you are alone and unarmed, but your opponents are armed and there are many of them. Therefore, step aside, arm yourself with your daddy, equip yourself with resources, gather the press, witnesses and support group, invite a lawyer, and then calmly make your claims. No anger.
Everyone, if necessary, knows how to say quietly, but meaningfully! Sometimes a simple voice recorder can become a powerful weapon.
Sometimes the most environmentally friendly decision may be this: do not quarrel with your tyrant boss now, but postpone the conversation until tomorrow. "The morning is wiser than the evening".
Of course, you can only be aware of your anger if you understand the boundaries of your interests and their violation. Therefore, when working with emotions and feelings, it is useful to know yourself. At least a little.
What to do when you encounter aggression for the first time
Marie Pese advises to react immediately. You can set a clear boundary by saying, “This behavior is not acceptable.” Or: “I don’t like this way of talking, it’s uncomfortable for me, don’t continue.”
The psychologist recommends being as convincing as possible: “I feel like I was insulted. You may not have intended to do this, but this is how I see the situation, and for me it is extremely unpleasant.”
It is important to use “I” (“I feel attacked”) rather than an accusatory “You” (“You have insulted me”).
This does not resemble retaliatory aggression, which will lead to an escalation of the conflict. In addition, you will make it clear how you feel about the situation.
How to resist aggression?
We are all self-sufficient, independent, independent people who playfully solve complex problems and bravely resolve difficult life situations. But even such giants sometimes feel as if they were placed in a juicer - without strength, without emotions. They feel small and defenseless. Most often, such sensations arise when meeting with open aggression - an angry boss, a drunk and overly active neighbor, an ordinary yard bully, a tired cashier or an inadequate person in a long-hour line. However, it is possible to resist aggression! Today we will talk about the most common verbal aggression and think about how to achieve “zen” when communicating with an angry opponent and how to behave in order to “extinguish” the flaring conflict.
- Other people's aggression does not concern you.
It’s trite, but it’s a fact: if a person is aggressive, it means it’s his choice. And, in fact, it’s not your problem. What does the aggressor want? To pour out their “dirt” on you and at the same time feed on the energy that comes from your reaction. Do you hear someone getting angry? Do not answer loudly, do not direct accusatory speeches at him, pretend that he is not there. Don’t let the aggressor “devour” your emotions.
This point is relevant in a situation where, for example, you are standing in line at the post office or at the clinic and the aggression does not concern you personally. Does it still apply? Let's look at the next point.
- An adequate response is required.
If someone hurts you purposefully, you cannot remain silent and move away. This, as a rule, inflames the offender even more, and your self-esteem drops to the very base. Calmly, slowly and sternly, looking the aggressor in the eyes, tell him: “You shouldn’t speak to me in that tone,” “Be careful with your statements,” “Stop raising your voice at me.” Deliberately polite, cold and distant. At first glance, it seems that this is too simple and not entirely effective. But keep in mind that our goal is not to defeat the boor (boors are sooooo skillful!) - we must show him that we can stand up for ourselves, that we will not scream and hysteria - there is nothing to catch the aggressor here. By the way, psychologists called this state of confident, restrained, calm and purposeful defense of one’s boundaries the “boa constrictor” state.
- We smile.
No matter how stupid it may seem, a smile usually takes the aggressor by surprise: he simply does not understand why you react to his attacks in this way and what to do about it. But a smile in such a situation is the prerogative of strong individuals who have learned to protect their borders and have already become a “boa constrictor.” You can add a skillful psychological technique to a radiant smile: mentally protect yourself from the aggressor, for example, with a waterfall or a wall, a shield or a fence. In general, I’m in the house.
- We talk about our feelings.
This technique is suitable for communicating with loved ones who behaved aggressively towards you. This is especially true when interacting with someone who, as you know, is not aggressive in itself, that is, his behavior was influenced by a bad mood, an understatement between you, or even a resentment that you had no idea about. When the aggressor calms down and begins to realize the scale of what was done, calmly and restrainedly tell him that this situation is unpleasant for you, that it offends/hurts/traumatizes/disappoints/scares you. This will lead to the fact that the opponent will try to explain his behavior in response, that is, you have every chance of a constructive dialogue. After a heart-to-heart conversation, such conflicts are usually successfully resolved.
When you are on the verge of a conflict, it is a good idea to remember some rules carefully compiled by psychologists:
- Look for compromises.
- Listen to your opponent’s position and clearly, calmly, and to the point, state your opinion.
- Don't get personal. Discuss the problem, not the person.
- Don't be fooled by attempts to take you out of your comfort zone. Less reaction means fewer opportunities to manipulate your condition.
And I’ll add: Many of us - I myself have sinned like this before - after meeting with an aggressor (an acquaintance or the first person we meet), we think that it is our fault, that all the abysses of heaven open up right above our heads, that we are losers in life and that “ Well, this can only happen to me.” But that's not true. Think about point 1 more often and learn to forget the negative aspects. There are many good things in life!
And now about the global one. Life is fleeting, no matter how banal and painfully hackneyed it may sound. Therefore, less squabbles and quarrels, less aggression and negativity - more joy and harmony! Yes, in everyday life there is a place for different situations - this must be accepted. But we can do what we can to reduce their number and become happier!
You can live in life in different ways: You can live in sorrow and in joy. Eat on time, drink on time, do nasty things on time. Or you can do this: Get up at dawn And, thinking about a miracle, With your burnt hand, reach for the sun And give it to people. <Sergey Ostrovoy>
What to do when aggression recurs
Talk about this with colleagues you trust.
Employees who are targeted often think that they are the only victims. Florence Benichou noted that aggression in the workplace is usually directed at several people.
The more you talk about it, the more similar stories you will hear.
Use the OVPV method
The OVPV method (DESC from the French Description - Exprimer - Suggérer - Conclusion) is an effective method when communicating with a person who is aggressive against you. The goal is to describe the experience of the situation.
It consists of four stages:
O - description of the situation in which you were attacked, a list of actions performed by the aggressor: “You scream and bang your fist on my table”
B - expressing your emotions using “I”: “I feel threatened”
P - proposal to solve a problem: “Would you be willing to take the time to calmly discuss what is bothering you?”
B - conclusion, namely a description of what the attacker will receive if you resolve the situation peacefully: “So together we will find a solution that suits everyone.”
Awareness of reasons and expression of anger
You simply need to notice your anger in yourself, admit to yourself: “Yes, I’m angry now!”, realize the cause of anger in this particular situation (and this is most often some kind of damage to your interests), talk openly about it with the participants in the situation.
Of course, expressing anger should be done in an environmentally friendly way.
- In such a conversation, it is extremely undesirable to use the construction: “You are a fool, don’t make me angry!”
- Instead, use the I-message technique better: “When something like this happens, I feel very angry...”, “For me, the current situation is extremely unpleasant...”
Important: Showing adequate anger means defending your boundaries that someone is trying to violate. To show anger is to show firmness and confidence! Showing anger is telling others that their actions are completely unacceptable. You can show anger calmly, quietly and clearly! Without guilt and shame.
If the interlocutor reacts positively, you can continue: “Let’s agree for the future on how we can act effectively in such situations...” This lays the ground for mutually beneficial and pleasant relationships in the future.
Absentee expression of anger
It often happens that both one’s own interests and one’s anger at the harmful violation of them are realized later, when the opponents are already far from the meeting place. And it seems that nothing can be changed.
And here it is important not to swallow the insult, not to keep anger inside, but to express it in absentia. The more expressive you can do this, the better. Stomping your feet, waving your arms, shouting, screaming, and even arias from the opera “Rigoletto” are very suitable.
I know of a case study where anger was expressed 20 years after a traumatic situation in just 10 minutes, and this led to a significant improvement in the person's well-being. But my advice to you: don't wait 20 years, dump all your anger in a dump truck as quickly as possible.
Anger as the engine of progress
By the way. In some cases, aggression and anger are a great indicator of the need for change. Anger means that changes are due in your life, in your relationships, in your profession. Anger helps a person to realize what exactly does not suit him in the current situation, what needs are not satisfied, and helps to begin to develop an image of a new, wonderful future.
Anger and anger act as the engine of personal progress. After all, you must admit that sometimes the most environmentally friendly thing is not to try to maintain polite relations with your superiors, but to find yourself a new place of work. The old has simply run its course. As the Indians say, there is no point in whipping a dead horse. It's time to change to a new one.
And in such cases, your anger is just a red warning light. A very useful light bulb. Helps you mobilize to make important life decisions. It’s just that every time it lights up, you need to think and understand what it is signaling to you.
And you can do all this completely independently.
Is it possible to regulate yourself?
You won’t be able to figure it out on your own if there is a “falling visor” reaction and a person begins to destroy everything. This is a sign that there are trigger stories from the past. They cannot be recognized without the help of a specialist. In such cases, it is better to immediately consult a psychotherapist. If we are talking about the fact that a person does not know how to be attentive to himself, then he can change this if he develops a habit - and quite calmly he can gradually become a different person.
There are contraindications, consultation with a specialist is required
Regulation scheme
A person needs to start noticing what grabs him. What's wrong in life. What can be changed and what cannot. Do something about it. Take care of yourself. Be more attentive to your inner state. This is a magical way if you do it regularly. If you want to be calm and balanced, you need to take regular actions to calm yourself down, to somehow treat yourself.
Article on the topic
“Violence comes from powerlessness.” Psychologist on the causes of aggression in the family
It is not your fault!
What is also good about such unloading of emotions is that you very clearly understand that you are not a “star boy”, and you are not a “holy saint”, you are not an exception to the rule. You are a living person. With your interests and feelings. And you have feelings of aggression and anger. And you have the right to all your feelings! And you have the right to use all your senses as tools, just like everyone else on this Earth. It's not shameful! This is fine! This is right!
Generally speaking, the ability to experience and express anger and anger appropriate to the situation is a sign of a healthy person. Metaphorically, the expression of anger is similar to the fact that from your quiet little pond you have finally caught and seen the inner demon that you have been hiding from yourself for many years, and at that very moment you have become more alive.
You stopped wasting energy on disguise, on covering up the festering wound with foundation, you pulled your pain, your wound out and honestly admitted to yourself and others that you have it in you. And this honesty immediately gives you stability, independence, integrity. The mental wound immediately begins to heal.
Auto aggression
Our culture is retroflexive. Remember in childhood: “How dare you talk to your mother,” “No one is interested in what you want.” That's how they silenced us. It's all from there. A person is afraid to interact with someone and admit that he is the cause of his irritation. But someone has to be bad. Only he himself remains. Then he begins to say to himself: “It should have been this or that. You felt that it wasn’t necessary, but no, you did it anyway.” This is auto-aggression, when you tell yourself what you did bad and did wrong. Mental chewing gum spins in the head and can turn to heavy and pathological things. The person becomes to blame for everything and cannot take a step. How to deal with this? Consider someone else to be the cause of irritation. This is called finding the right addressee. The situation arose outside. And the addressee is outside.
