Many people tend to please others to avoid conflict. In work, this tendency is especially pronounced. Do you often take on an unbearable burden, refuse to take sick leave, are afraid to express even fair criticism, cannot ask for help even when you need it? Most likely, you are an overly compliant person, and this can become a problem.
Helpful people always strive to look positive, never ask or demand anything, and almost never show their real feelings. How can you learn to behave more confidently so that you are not afraid to ask for the necessary support, start a conversation about a promotion (or simply a higher salary), and be able to say “no”?
“For some reason, many people believe that self-confidence means constant disputes and conflicts. Some people think that saying “no” is rude, although saying no can also be done in different ways,” notes career coach Joanna Blazinska.
Do you think everyone will be better off if you avoid “unpleasant” conversations? But more often it turns out that, in an effort to avoid conflicts, you only take on an unbearable burden. As a result, the quality of your work begins to suffer.
Is being compliant easier than being confident?
If confidence is so important, why do we tend to avoid arguments and please others? “We often feel that assertive behavior can lead to negative consequences, that it can damage our relationships with others and our reputation. We are afraid that they will no longer respect us,” Blazinska explains.
There is another reason. Our self-esteem has a lot to do with our work. “Agreeable people depend on their compliance. They want to appear reliable, competent, and always ready to help. They hope that their work will be appreciated and they will receive a well-deserved reward,” says the specialist.
Here are some examples of typical behavior of such people:
- They take on additional urgent work, although they cannot cope with what they have. They inevitably have to sacrifice something important.
- They get involved in new projects, although they know that their personal time and productivity will suffer because of this.
- When they are overloaded, they hesitate to say so.
- They do not dare to criticize the usual way of working, even if it is completely ineffective.
Luckily, there are five steps you can take to help you become more confident when communicating with colleagues and bosses.
Why can't you be a strict leader?
Example:
You need to assign a task to a subordinate and set a deadline for completion.
And when the moment comes to agree on deadlines, and you need to ask whether the task will be completed conditionally by Friday, by 17-00.
You need to speak loudly and clearly! Stand in an open position and look your subordinate straight in the eyes! And shut up. And without taking your eyes off, wait for an answer.
And a lump comes to your throat, you begin to look away. You begin to “flicker”, you strive to break off contact. Because you have a deep conviction that you are inferior. You are wrong. You are not worthy to lead others.
This belief is not conscious; it has been ingrained in you since childhood. When your parents scolded you as a child, you curled up into a ball, you tried to get out of contact. This conditioned reflex has been preserved. Preserved until adulthood. And in a certain stressful situation, the same feelings of fear and shame and a feeling of inferiority arise in you again.
Remember, at school they took a conditioned reflex. When Pavlov's dogs salivated when they rang. Exactly the same thing is happening to you. A certain neural pattern has formed in your brain. And a signal circulates through it.
It is triggered in a stressful situation. It was formed in childhood, when you were a helpless child. But the same program, like a conditioned reflex, is launched in adulthood. When you are no longer a helpless child. And you can respond to the threat. And bark so hard that everyone around will shut up!
But this doesn't happen. It doesn’t happen because this conditioned reflex is triggered in you. And you react with your body. Your legs will become weak. The diaphragm contracts, you cannot squeeze out a word. And this happens every time. And it's a vicious circle. And with each subsequent such situation, your conviction that you are inferior becomes even stronger. You can't lead. And with each iteration this belief intensifies.
To become stricter with subordinates, you need to remove this feeling of inferiority, this feeling of shame for yourself. How? See below!
Look at Confidence Differently
First of all, it is important to learn to look at confidence differently. “Confidence does not mean that you will always be in conflict. You are ready to discuss problems and negotiate. This does not harm anyone, but only benefits everyone. A confident person can remain polite and modest!” Blazinska explains.
You want to work well and be useful? Uncertainty often has a negative impact on an employee's productivity - hesitant to say no to others, he takes on too much work and ends up feeling tired and dissatisfied.
How to solve a problem
An example of working through excessive anxiety:
Let's say you need to speak in front of a large number of people. And even thinking about such a performance makes you break out in a cold sweat. You start to shake. That is, that conditioned reflex is triggered in you, which was developed in deep childhood, when you were a very small child. When you accidentally find yourself in some place where there are many adults, and you are left alone. And it was quite normal for a child to be very scared at that moment. And this situation is imprinted in your brain as extremely dangerous.
And now, when you have become an adult, in a similar situation, the brain is trying to protect you from such danger. It includes trembling knees and cold sweat. So that you quickly leave this place where there are a lot of people. He doesn't understand that you are already an adult, and this is not dangerous for you. It is this automatic reaction of the body that needs to be canceled. You need to remember that situation, the situation in childhood, which caused such a reaction in the body. The reaction is to shrink. And cancel it.
How to do it?
Below is a technique that not only gives understanding, but also allows you to solve such problems. The book explains in detail how it works. It gives instructions on how to change the body's reaction to a stressful situation. How to send a different signal through neurons in order to react to stress not like a child, but like an adult. And this neural pattern is transformed. The conditioned reflex will stop working as the neural connections change.
You will no longer react to stress like a child! You won't shrink and shake! You will react like an adult, like a leader.
Your behavior will change. Your gait. Your opinion. Your voice. You will become a confident, strong leader!
Strive for a reasonable balance
You shouldn't always refuse to help your colleagues, but it's important to make sure that your own productivity doesn't suffer as a result. “Don’t forget that you are all one team. The main thing is to be realistic about your capabilities. Track your productivity, pay attention to what happens when you take on too many tasks. Think about how you can bring the most value to your company,” recommends Joanna Blazinska.
If you notice that you are being overly compliant, it is important to understand the real reason for these tendencies. Being too soft can create a lot of problems for you in all areas of your life. Don't forget that your health and mental well-being are our top priority. Taking good care of yourself and advocating for yourself will only benefit your relationships with others.
Dispose of her checks and manipulations.
Why do women do this? Two options.
Good - she tests you for weakness. She does this not to subjugate you, but to make sure that her choice is correct. From time to time, all young ladies do something similar to calm down. If you don't demonstrate your masculinity often enough, she will sometimes check whether the man next to her is strong or if you have relaxed.
Option two - she is manipulating you. Perhaps she is used to acting this way around other men. Or she tested you for weakness, you failed the test, and this option suits her. Such women are accustomed to leading a man; I wrote about this in detail in my article about henpecked men.
And remember that a wise woman will act as the “neck” while you are the “head.” She will obey you in small things and lead you when making important decisions. Don't get caught, she might try to fool you with tricks.
What do we have to do? Show your inner core and prove to her that you are a man.
Track your achievements
The inner core does not become strong on its own; it becomes strong thanks to confidence, which, in turn, is supported by opportunities. Most often, those who consider themselves not tough enough are people who do not believe in themselves, and therefore are not confident. Self-esteem is regulated only thanks to facts. Victories, accomplishments - self-esteem grows; loss, failure - falls.
The thing is that any achievements, even the most insignificant ones, are important for the growth of self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to give them meaning. Keep a table of accomplishments in a notebook and write down all the small and, of course, big victories there. Strive to fill the entire notebook.
Think less
One of the most powerful stopping factors is fear. It can be either explicit or hidden. The difference between these fears is that you experience the obvious one directly at the very moment of danger, while the hidden one can live in you, instilling uncertainty about your prospects and the future in general.
Any excuses, search for reasons and doubts are clear signs of fear. According to statistics, successful people are not very good at planning, but they are people of action, which is why they achieve what they want. They bang their heads against the wall hundreds of times until they find a weak spot and the wall cracks. Those who like to tinker with plans, tinker with them for a long time, often do not get to the point of action, to implementation, since during the entire time of thinking there are reasons for doubts and abandonment of what was planned.
Source
What kind of tough person is he?
Rigidity of character is a manifestation of personality strengths, such as will and self-control.
A tough person is often a leader by nature.
This quality of character is rarely innate ; it is often formed by life conditions, namely difficulties.
Rigidity means inflexibility and the ability to withstand both external and internal stimuli.
External ones include grievances, insults and oppression. The internal ones include your own weaknesses and desires. Tough is not a complete synonym for strong-willed, but one, as a rule, rarely exists without the other.
Characteristic portrait of a tough man:
- Able to quickly navigate difficult situations of choice.
- Promotes his opinion and asserts his position on any important issue.
- He does not allow himself or his loved ones to be offended.
- Able to stand up for himself.
- Disciplined, careful, accurate on time.
- Responsible for his words and actions.
- Can accept responsibility for actions and cope with the consequences with dignity.
These traits form a solid core in a person, which in a number of situations manifests itself as rigidity.
This property can be useful in:
- Labor and professional conflicts.
- Stressful situations.
- Force majeure situations.
- Rapidly changing conditions.
- Disputes and discussions.
- As protective measures against various types of aggression.
- In case of emergency, in wartime.
However, rigidity has its downsides . Such a person usually:
- Stingy with emotions.
- Does not take other people's feelings into account.
- Considers being right above all else.
- Rarely shows tolerance and democracy.
- Pedantic and critical of himself and others.
- Quickly “burns out” with prolonged stress exposure.
- It is difficult to build friendships and family relationships.
A tough character is manifested by precise and sharp decisions, inflexibility and perseverance under the pressure of circumstances, but this does not always contribute to the harmonious development of the individual.
Learn to say no
The inability to directly and honestly refuse someone anything is a clear sign of weak character. A tough person is not afraid to refuse - he knows the value of his time and knows how to set personal boundaries. The ability to say “no” to some unimportant things can give you the strength to say “yes” to something worthwhile and truly important to you. It is important to learn to focus on specific tasks so that external factors do not force you to become scattered. In general, if you have problems with refusal, think about it not in a way that you are offending someone or letting someone down, but in a way that you are refusing in favor of an important matter.
Work on healthy self-esteem
Because of self-doubt, people give up, retreat and believe only that any conflict or problem is an unsolvable task. Even strong people, who usually have some advantage in the face of difficult tasks and problems, are prone to this behavior. But this advantage is of no use, because you yourself don’t know about it, you don’t see it, and it’s as if it doesn’t exist for you. To learn to assess a given situation correctly, you need healthy self-esteem. No extremes - only adequacy, as close as possible to objectivity.
Create the desired image and work hard to realize it
It is important not to get hung up on creating the desired image, but simply understand what you are doing. The point is to become who you want, now. If you want to gain self-confidence, become a tough and determined person, you don’t need to wait for some kind of evolution from weak to strong. Make a list of the key qualities for your desired new self—and start putting those qualities into action. If you are not satisfied with your body, start exercising. If you don’t know how to say “no”, we will talk about this in a separate paragraph.
Avoidance
● If you know that at a birthday party with friends or relatives you will meet an unpleasant person, you will hear words that hurt you, limit yourself to congratulations over the phone, if this is convenient, or congratulate separately, meeting without guests.
● If you see a group of aggressive teenagers, it is better to cross to the other side of the street rather than lecture them on how to behave.
● Refrain from “tram quarrels” and discussions on the subway if they have nothing to do with you. And if you really had to answer someone, limit yourself to one opponent. If the second one “connects”, immediately shut up. This is the ironclad rule of the “tram quarrel”. Otherwise, the entire angry group of passengers will start scolding you, which is unsafe.
