Why do people get married? Nowadays there are a huge number of humorous shows on TV and on the Internet, and almost all of them are saturated with people’s dissatisfaction with the fact that they are married - especially often this comes from men. So why then do people get married?
And on what basis do people choose each other? Why am I so drawn to that poor student who can’t give me anything, but I feel nothing but contempt for this wealthy businessman? Is it true that opposites attract? Does the image of my father somehow influence the choice of a spouse?
In this article we will try to highlight the answers to these rather important questions from a psychological point of view.
What is marriage anyway? There are a huge variety of definitions, but we will not delve into scientific thoughts that allow us to distinguish marriage from matrimony, etc., so we will define it as follows: “Marriage is an officially certified state of the family.”
Why don't people want to get married in general?
Reasons for not getting married
According to one study, only 58.3% of girls and only 34.5% of boys want to start a family; every fifth girl and 40.7% of boys do not want to enter into a marriage relationship.
Reasons why people don't get married:
- focus on career growth.
If previously it was difficult to achieve something alone, now it is widely believed that having a family, on the contrary, hinders career growth;
- unwillingness to take responsibility.
For many, marriage is a responsibility, and it is easier for people to stay in unregistered relationships in order to relieve themselves of this “burden”;
- waiting for a better “option”.
The reason why a young man does not want to get married may lie in the fact that he does not see you as his life partner and is waiting for “the one”;
- negative experience.
Unsuccessful marriages, of course, discourage people from entering into one. A person experiences disappointment in this matter, associated with various fears and concerns;
- shift in age limits.
Scientists have found that in modern times young people do not want to grow up. Nowadays, it’s absolutely normal to live with your parents at 20–25 years old, but staying in your parents’ house creates the illusion of having a family, and there’s no motivation to create your own;
- negative attitude towards marriage and family.
At the beginning of the article there was an example of how a huge number of comedy shows are filled with negative jokes regarding marriage. Endless divorces of stars, exclamations of parents during quarrels: “Here, son, you see how it is, so think a hundred times before you get married” - all this, of course, creates a negative view of the phenomenon of marriage as a whole;
- the popularity of actual marriages.
If previously being in the status of cohabitants was not at all welcomed, now there is a large percentage of such marriages, and this encourages a repetition of the experience;
- changes in the culture of society.
In modern times, a young mother with a stroller will be looked at with completely different eyes than before - society is more likely to have a negative attitude towards marriage at a young age;
Example: recently the news about the birth of a child by 22-year-old Yulia Lipnitskaya was popular - most commentators condemned the girl, saying, why so early.
- variety of types of relationships.
Now society has become much freer. Many people are not afraid of experiments and, obviously, they are not at all interested in some kind of traditional marriages. Whether this is good or bad, time will tell.
So why is marriage necessary? How does it fold?
When should you get married?
There are men in the world who bear the title of the stronger sex for a reason. Such people should seriously be considered the breadwinner in the family. If he also earns the same amount as his other half, then life together will only improve. In such cases, most girls have no doubt about whether they should get married. If a man shows himself only from the best side, then you should officially sign with him. Before this, you need to think about what kind of guy is nearby. Will this person be able to be a support, provide moral support and help financially?
Concepts of marriage from famous psychologists
I suggest you familiarize yourself with the concepts of various psychologists - from the classics to those who are now at the top in the field of family psychology.
Such a wide range of ideas will allow you to look at the problem from different points of view and form your own. Well, let's begin!
To begin with, let us turn to those scientists who form the foundation of modern psychology.
Sigmund Freud
Sigmund Freud is the founder of psychoanalysis, the author of unique ideas on which many currents of psychology are now based.
Psychoanalysis is a branch of psychology that is based on ideas about the multifactorial structure of the human psyche, which consists of the unconscious, preconscious and conscious.
The key concept here is the “Oedipus complex” - attraction (conscious or subconscious) to a parent of the opposite sex and negative feelings towards a parent of the same sex.
Note: from the point of view of psychoanalysis, the “Oedipus complex” is the absolute norm of development of any person and everyone goes through it.
Freud, within the framework of this model, described the principle by which people choose each other.
The essence of this concept lies in the conditionality of the choice of a marriage partner by the child’s parents.
So, if the parent of the opposite sex was perceived positively, then the future adult will strive to find a similar partner (this could be appearance, character, profession, all together, etc.). If the parent was angry and offended the child, then the opposite reaction will work here - the desire to find the opposite.
The family model itself is also built on the principle of the one the child had. If the father was in charge (patriarchal family), most likely the child will project this image onto his family in the future and will strive to occupy a leadership position.
Karen Horney
In the phenomenon of marriage, Karen Horney highlighted a serious conflict between the desire to enter into it and the prevailing idea that the fulfillment of this desire will face a negative outcome. She explains this through the Oedipus complex, already known to us.
Horney believed that a person has a desire to get a parent of the opposite sex. Therefore, every adult chooses a partner under the influence of these childish unconscious feelings, and since Oedipal desires are inexhaustible, the institution of marriage will exist forever.
That is, according to Horney, marriage is a means of satisfying one's childhood desires. A different, more positive view was held by the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung.
Carl Jung
Jung viewed marriage as a system of relationships within which growth and development are possible. However, he believed that a person becomes capable of making conscious choices only in the middle of life. Therefore, at the age of marital consent, a person makes a choice based on unconscious motives.
Jung is also a representative of psychoanalysis, which explains his position.
What specific motives are we talking about?
- Connection with parents , which is expressed in the Oedipus complex, influences the choice of a partner. According to Jung, this influence leads to a slightly different outcome than Freud: if a young man is too psychologically connected with his mother, then he will look for a girl who is inferior to her in her qualities, appearance, etc., and excessive loyalty to the mother can even push even to homosexuality;
- if a young man does not respect his mother, then he will strive to find a couple who will surpass her in everything.
Alfred Adler
Alfred Adler is the author of a theory in which he explained the connection between character traits and birth order in a family. Therefore, his concept of marriage is based on this position.
This theory reflects issues of compatibility of people in marriage. Adler believed that the stability of a marriage directly depends on the position of each partner in the family.
He identified three types of marriage:
- complementary - the positions of spouses in their families complement each other. For example, the husband is the elder brother in his family, and the wife is the younger sister. There will be no conflict for leadership (older children in families most often have leadership qualities, while the younger ones are accustomed to being in some kind of subordination). One of the spouses has experience in raising a child, while the other does not;
- partially complementary - spouses partially complement each other. For example, the wife is the middle child in the family, and the husband is the eldest;
- non-complementary - the order of birth in the family of each partner is the same. According to Adler, in such a situation it will be difficult to establish a compromise. For example, if both partners are eldest in the family, then they will both fight for power. It is especially difficult if the wife is the older sister of the sisters, and the husband is the older brother of the brothers. Here we also add the problem of inexperience in relationships with the opposite sex.
Note: There are a huge number of situations where this theory will not completely work. For example, you are the youngest child in the family, but you often brought a younger cousin into the family - accordingly, it is no longer entirely correct to say that you have no experience in dealing with small children. Another important condition is that the theory works when the difference between the oldest and youngest child is no more than 6 years.
Carl Rogers
Carl Rogers believed that the strongest marriages are made between those people who are able to accept other people as they are , and do not constantly strive to change them.
He also wrote that the progress of relationships is built on the ability to express both positive and negative feelings, thus expressing care for your soulmate.
In his concept, Rogers writes that the formation of open relationships is hampered by the constant attempt of partners to follow someone’s expectations, for example, parental ones, as well as various stereotypes.
Therefore, for a favorable relationship, you should focus, for the most part, on your internal family climate.
Robin Skinner
How do people choose each other? Robin Skinner put forward the idea that every person has emotions that he, relatively speaking, hid behind a screen. The origins of this phenomenon come from the family.
Every family has some emotional reactions that are not usually shown. For example, you had a rather “cold” family, there was no clear expression of love between family members or it was impossible to express anger, etc.
Based on this idea, Robin Skinner in his book “Family and How to Survive It” writes that people choose mates who are similar to themselves precisely based on these repressed emotions.
The book describes an exercise called “Family as a System,” during which people had to be divided into pairs. And imagine the psychologist’s surprise when it turned out how similar the families were of those who became two. There were also those who could not find a partner, and imagine, all these people did not have families.
Thus, the saying: “opposites attract” does not reflect the truth - people may be completely different at first glance, but their insides will be very similar, otherwise the partners would simply not be interested in each other.
Now I propose to consider the opinions of modern, popular psychologists.
Mikhail Labkovsky
The psychologist spoke out why marriage is needed. He believes that in the modern world the role of marriage has changed significantly. If earlier getting married was a prerequisite, which gave a feeling of one’s own worth and correctness, now women are completely self-sufficient and do not need the tutelage of men.
However, weakening the institution of marriage will not lead to its disappearance. Now his role is more symbolic.
Marriage means that two people have decided to be together with the goal of starting a family, they have common plans for life, common aspirations.
Marriage includes a beautiful ritual - a wedding that many girls dream of. And this is not a waste of money at all; this ritual allows you to mark the transition to a new, already family life.
Satya Das
Satya Das also talks in his lectures that the need to get married is weaker now than it was before. Almost all needs can be satisfied without marriage.
However, scientists, according to Satya Das, have discovered that a normal marriage brings peace of mind to a woman - in contrast to a situation where a woman is constantly in search. Finding a partner is a fairly energy-intensive process, so marriage saves this energy.
Why girls don't get married
In most cities there are services through which a woman can replace the hands of a man. A specialist can properly repair a leaking pipe, replace an outlet, or make minor repairs to your apartment. In addition, the employee will do this without complaint and will not procrastinate because of fatigue or a new movie on TV. In such cases, the girl thinks about the question of whether she should get married. After all, a guy’s hands can replace the paid services of specialists.
Also, most girls do not like the behavior of their men. After all, they love to throw things around the house. In addition, many men do not wash the dishes after themselves and put this task on the girls. Therefore, the likelihood of a girl getting married becomes minimal with such guys. After all, the lady will have to spend a lot of time and nerves on her soulmate.
List of sources
- Vekilova, S. A. Family psychology: textbook and workshop for universities / S. A. Vekilova. - Moscow: Yurayt Publishing House, 2021. - 308 p. - (Higher education). — ISBN 978-5-534-01445-7. — Text: electronic // EBS Law [website]. — URL: https://urait.ru/bcode/450847 (access date: 10/13/2020).
- Bondareva O. V. Selfishness of the individual and its influence on the age at marriage and satisfaction with marriage / O. V. Bondareva // Siberian psychological journal. – 2009. – No. 33. – P. 81-84
- Parshina V.V. Specifics of a young family and its main problems / V. V. Parshina // Problems of modern science and education. – 2013. – No. 4 (18). – pp. 127-130.
- Vakulenko A. S. Gender features of the relationship between self-attitude and satisfaction with marriage / A. S. Vakulenko // Synergy of Sciences. – 2018. – No. 24. – P. 1183-1190
- Skinner Robin. Family and how to survive in it / Robin Skinner, John Cleese - Moscow. – 2021
- Adler, A. The science of character: understanding human nature / A. Adler. - M.: Academic Project, 2011.
- Freud Z. Essays on the psychology of sexuality / Z. Freud. – M.: Publishing House “E”, 2017
- Labkovsky M. About marriage (answers to questions) / M. Labkovsky // [Electronic resource] – Access mode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9wg09EaHJ4&list=PLUGpktM9ic9BMsfomtaY6iTQC3LqYMcRJ&index=507
- Satya Das. Why do we need marriage if everything is fine with us / [Electronic resource] – Access mode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJrIus_avns
Scenario 3. Self-esteem
When a person puts an apartment up for sale, he has 3 options for the development of events. Set a price higher than the market price. Or determine an adequate cost, according to existing prices. Or give it away for cheap. They will buy the second option faster. The first one is too expensive, the last one may turn out to be a tricky one.
Girls of marriageable age have the same situation. Those who adequately evaluate themselves, do not have internal complexes and do not expect an Arab sheikh as a prince, quickly get married.
Those who have too low self-esteem (I’m ugly / fat / harmful / stupid / from the village, etc.) subconsciously instill in themselves the idea that no one will ever love or marry them (ugly / fat / harmful). Over time, this attitude seems to be “cemented” in the head and transformed into a public declaration: “I don’t want to get married!”
A different, but similar situation arises among those with high self-esteem. They are too good for those men who make up their environment. Yes, they make beautiful marriage proposals. Yes, there are always a lot of fans around them. Yes, they are well-groomed and self-sufficient. But at the same time, they refuse everyone, explaining with a smile: “I can get married, I just don’t want to.” But in fact, they are subconsciously waiting for that Arab sheikh with a million dirhams. Or Brad Pitt with his Hollywood smile. After all, only they are worthy of such a treasure.
What to do?
Work on self-esteem. For those who are underestimated, read affirmations, find a hobby you like, pursue a career, develop communication skills, and lead a healthy lifestyle. For those who are overpriced, lower yourself to the ground, look at those around you, and realize that they are no worse than the Arab sheikh and Brad Pitt. But again, here only the desire of the girl herself to change can correct the situation. It’s hard to get a fat woman who has come to terms with her 120 kg to get on the treadmill. And a beauty in a Christian Dior dress and Swarovski Crystal diamonds is almost impossible to persuade to go on a date with someone she considers inferior to herself.
The listed scenarios do not exhaust the multifaceted female soul. Not everyone doesn't want to get married for these reasons. There are many others: fear of becoming a bad wife (or mother), homosexuality, family religion, simply life circumstances, fashion and much more. However, psychologists say that creating a family is one of the basic instincts of humanity, which still wins.
For example, many modern girls do not want to get married and explain this by saying that it is so fashionable, that this is the spirit of the times, that they are free and independent so much that they do not need men. And they will have time to give birth to a child later - when they have had enough fun, traveled and made a career. In fact, these are just superficial reasons to hide the true state of affairs - much sadder. Some have social phobia, others have childhood psychotrauma, and others have low self-esteem. But no one calls others, so they shout at every corner that they don’t want to start a family, so that they don’t think that they are defective.
Be that as it may, every situation is solvable. Getting rid of internal complexes and meeting the one and only one you desire - these are two cures for the disease called “I don’t want to get married.” The cure is one hundred percent.
