Unrequited love: is there a chance to get rid of addiction?

Love is a wonderful feeling that probably all people have experienced at least once in their lives . At this moment a person is happy, he literally flutters , there are no obstacles for him in achieving all his goals and objectives. There are only bright thoughts in my head, and my heart is filled with a great feeling that I want to share not only with my loved one, but also with all the people around me.

And what happens if the object of affection does not pay attention to the lover at all, ignores signs of attention, and all for one simple reason - he does not experience reciprocal feelings . This is unrequited love.

What is love without reciprocation?

You can’t order your heart, as they say. The object of love does not always reciprocate, and we are forced to experience deep feelings, only in our dreams counting on joint happiness.

To put it in a dry term, unrequited love is a feeling of deep emotional attachment to a person that does not evoke any return from him. A person who has fallen in love often notices the following symptoms:

Mental pain that intensifies when meeting the object of passion.
Nervous state, insomnia.
Deterioration in appearance: weight loss, bruises under the eyes.
Problems at work and school: loss of concentration, lack of motivation, absenteeism.
Psychological disorders: panic attacks, depression.
Quarrels with close relatives and friends.
Reluctance to meet and communicate with other members of the opposite sex.

As a result, many of these symptoms can lead to a significant deterioration in the quality of life of the person in love. There are determined and positive people who pull themselves together and continue to live, no matter what. But more emotional lovers, who are predisposed to nervous disorders, really suffer, receiving real mental trauma from unrequited feelings.

What is unrequited love? This is an almost uncontrollable craving for a person, regular dreams with his participation and a desire to be close to him. When a desire cannot be realized, it becomes a mania, as well as the cause of pseudo-heroic actions, various stupidities and sometimes even suicide. That's why you need to know how to get rid of the feeling of unrequited love if you feel that the experience has gone on for too long.

What does unrequited love lead to?

Why is unrequited love dangerous?

Experiencing unrequited feelings, a person withdraws into himself, cuts off all ties with the outside world, stops communicating with relatives and friends and begins to live the life of the object of adoration, and not his own. In addition to the fact that this significantly limits the possibilities of self-realization in the career and creative spheres, the likelihood of developing addictions and suicidal behavior increases.

Many famous personalities are familiar with the dangers of unrequited love, but they were able to visualize feelings in creativity. Among them:

Ivan Turgenev;
Vladimir Mayakovsky;
Auguste Rodin and many others.

Unrequited love is a stage in life from which you can and should learn a valuable lesson. This is an unconditional motivation for self-improvement and the realization of creative potential.

Reasons for such love

If your feelings are rejected, then you can’t help but want to ask: “Why is everything going well for others, but I failed?” There is nothing surprising in the fact that this happened to you once. Almost all people go through unrequited love and don’t know how to forget this heartache. But sooner or later the feelings fade away, and the person finds his soul mate.

If non-reciprocal sympathy has become a pattern for you, then it’s time to look within yourself for the reasons. What can serve as an impetus for the regular appearance of unanswered love:

Fear of relationships. It is possible that as a child you witnessed constant quarrels between mom and dad, or you were taught that marriage is hard work, where you have to constantly give in and not have the right to vote. In such cases, the child is given the following message from childhood: relationships are bad and should be avoided in every possible way. But you can’t fool nature, instincts take over, and you fall in love. Just choose objects that will definitely not reciprocate your feelings. Different social status, level of intelligence, polar differences in interests - does this distinguish your chosen one? If the answer is yes, go to a psychologist: he will destroy your childhood attitudes and help you find a suitable match.
Victim syndrome. You enjoy it when someone is supportive and sympathizes with your problems. Human pity is like a drug for you. Few people can admit this, but victim syndrome very often becomes a stumbling block when finding a normal partner. You fall in love with people who are not free or unattainable for other reasons and suffer by complaining to others. Receiving the next dose of understanding, you drink this glass of unrequited love to the end. When they stop feeling sorry for you and start advising you to start life from scratch, you change your goal to a new unrequited love. Now your environment has another reason to support you.
Lack of self-development. If you do not take care of yourself both physically and spiritually, it is unlikely that you will receive reciprocity from the opposite sex. Instead of thinking about how to get over unrequited love, think about your life. How is your day filled? Do you devote time to useful activities? Take care of your face and body, read books, watch quality films and before you know it, you will become a self-sufficient, interesting person. Then you will choose among those who want to be with you, and not suffer from unrequited feelings.
Too much loneliness. If you have been left without a partner for a long time, then it is not surprising that the time has come to fall in love, albeit unrequitedly. A hungry heart chose not the most suitable candidate, and now you are forced to suffer. The thirst for relationships can provoke strong emotions towards any person you meet along the way.

Try to honestly determine the reason for your unrequited love. This will help you stop suffering in vain and step into a new life.

Consequences

Some people are so immersed in love experiences that they do not notice how negative emotions begin to rule their lives.

The most common consequences of unrequited love:

Obsessive attraction . It is completely useless for a person in love to say that nothing terrible happened, that there will be a lot of such love in life. He doesn’t want to listen to anything, and immerses himself even more in his experiences.
Release of hormones . Unstable behavior, frequently changing mood - there is also a medical explanation for this behavior. The release of hormones at the moment of falling in love, usually this condition goes away over time, but some people develop new symptoms, such as: attacks of arrhythmia, chest pain, insomnia, thirst. In this case, you will need the help of an endocrinologist and a psychiatrist.
Eating emotions with sweets . At the moment of emotional distress, eaten candy or other delicacy acts as a medicine. There is a simple explanation for this. Eating sweets affects the production of the joy hormone, which is necessary to protect the body from stress. Eating up on experiences is not the only way to deal with them. Exercising improves your mood much better than eating sweets.
Eating disorder . The health hazard is that eating becomes disordered. A lover sometimes forgets about food, then suddenly he develops an appetite. Over time, this eating pattern can lead to gastrointestinal problems and excess weight.
Sleepless nights . At night, all experiences intensify, constant thoughts about the object of desire do not allow you to close your eyes until the morning. The result is a bad mood, a tired appearance and a heightened feeling of loneliness and unhappiness. Sleep is essential for human health; at this time the body restores all vital processes; its absence can cause deterioration in health and mental disorders. Canadian scientists, after conducting research, concluded that insomnia harms the brain more than alcohol.
Anger . Tears and hopelessness are replaced by anger over time. Instead of a feeling of love, hatred appears for the recent object of adoration. On the one hand, this is an opportunity to get rid of an obsessive feeling. The main thing is not to overdo it and not stay in this state for a long time. Anger is also stress for the body.
Deterioration of health . Excessive suffering over a failed relationship can lead to poor health and even cause serious illness. Diseases of the nervous system, blood vessels, increased blood pressure, insomnia, stress, panic attacks - this is only a small part of the possible health problems.
Suicidal tendencies . The worst outcome of all experiences about unrequited love can be thoughts of suicide. If such a condition occurs, you must immediately contact a specialist. A psychologist will help you get out of a state of hopelessness. After all, as you know, there is a way out of any situation. It's just that sometimes you need help to find it.
Communication problems . A completely logical consequence of mental suffering is irritability and reluctance to communicate with other people. At work and among friends, serious communication problems arise. As a consequence of this - quarrels, scandals, breakdown of friendly relations, loss of job.

What to do if you love unrequitedly: step-by-step instructions

Emotionally, it is difficult to assess the situation objectively. It is much easier to survive the lack of reciprocity if you know a clear plan of action. What to do if your love is unrequited:

Stop looking for meetings. You shouldn’t torment yourself with aimless contemplation of your loved one. If you know that the relationship will not work out, then it is better to minimize contact.
Confess your feelings. Not everyone is capable of performing such a decisive action. Maybe you think that love is unrequited? Only a direct question to the object of passion will definitely help you find out.
Get rid of reminders. If you are convinced that attempts to create a couple with this person are absolutely futile, you need to get rid of any reminders of his presence in your life. Delete all contacts and photos. This way it will be much easier to forget love.
Pay attention to other attractive members of the opposite sex. The light did not converge like a wedge on just one person. Be prepared to fall in love with someone else, and to do this you just need to look around you more often.
Relax with cheerful friends. Going to visit a friend or girlfriend with a bottle of wine under your arm is not very helpful in trying to forget your loved one. There you will be even more immersed in the discussion of the pressing problem. If you’re going to communicate with friends, then with a whole group of people, where you won’t have time to absorb all the details of your personal tragedy.

To forget the person you love unrequitedly, just grab yourself and shake yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and overthinking yourself. Life is so short, and you need to live it as happily as possible.

Advice from a psychologist to get rid of unrequited love

Let's consider the two most common situations: a lover has fallen out of love, or simply rejects, or when he is not aware of the feeling of falling in love.

If the feelings have faded

The most pointless thing in this case is hope and the desire to “return feelings.” It is incredibly difficult to follow advice, but you will understand that it is the only true one: you need to wait it out, get over the disease and not humiliate yourself in front of the person who rejects, ignores, and avoids you. How can this humiliation be expressed, for which you will definitely be unpleasant after a certain period? This refers to intrusive calls (and in this case they are all intrusive), excessive attention, attempts to call again and again for a conversation or a meeting. Yes, hope dies very hard, but you will have to do your best to contribute to this, finding within yourself all the willpower that is possible.
Don't think that by making your partner feel sorry for you, you will make him fall in love or keep him. Usually such pity is inseparable from contempt and disgust. Be persistent and accept the fact that his (her) love is gone or is basically impossible. Do you think about the shortcomings that repel your lover? They love different people: the evil, the poor, and the stupid. It’s just that that person doesn’t love you - the main reason for the impossibility of this union. Let go of the indifferent and meet the loving.
You’re not happy with the “victim” position, and do you really want to stop suffering by breaking free from the captivity of unrequited love? You abruptly cut off relationships, short calls, messages, any reminders. Don't look for reasons why you can't do this - rather, find opportunities to implement this urgent recommendation.
Remember that almost everyone has encountered this situation at some point. This will pass. However, what will be remembered is how you behaved. Not just in your memory. Try to prove yourself with dignity, so that when this passes (which is inevitable) you will not be ashamed of your weakness. Trust your suffering to a friend, mother or psychologist, but not to a person who doesn’t care about you.
It is important to clearly understand that such emotions are a psychological addiction, similar to alcohol or nicotine. It takes time for the body to forget about addiction. It won’t be easy, but it’s time to start training willpower, it will still come in handy - get at least some benefit from the relationship that is tormenting you. Don’t idealize your partner, and then you will understand that what makes him special in your eyes is only your love, but otherwise, in your destiny you have met and will meet more interesting people who are able to treat you better.

If he/she doesn't know about your feelings

There are only two possible developments in the situation: recognition or getting rid of non-reciprocal love. If recognition has occurred, but there has been no response, try to follow the advice above; if you cannot do this for some reason, then do not ignore these recommendations. Life has given you a test, accept it with dignity.

Find negative traits in him (her)
. Sometimes a little thing is enough to make you disappointed in a person and lose interest. Perhaps this person is greedy, stupid, boorish, a cheater, or something from this category.
You yourself can distract yourself from unhappy love
if you really want it. Switch your attention to some other task that requires energy and time. It is possible that within a few days you will forget about your old feelings. Despite the obvious banality of this advice, most people prefer not to follow it, brushing off the fact that they “no longer have the strength to do anything.” Maybe you don't want enough to fill your life with something else. Pay attention to your figure - maybe it’s not as ideal as you wanted? Direct your energy in this direction. It definitely won’t get worse, but it will definitely get better.
Fill up the time
. This advice follows from the past, and yet: fill your time with useful and interesting things, do not give loving, suffering thoughts even a chance to take you captive. Meet with friends, go to the movies, the theater, visit exhibitions, find an interesting hobby, and so on. Make a plan for the month and you will see how much you can get done. Make a promise to yourself that in a month, if necessary, you will return to these thoughts, but in the meantime, great urgent things await you.
Pay attention to the opposite sex
. Try your hand at a dating site or in hobby groups if you think that among your acquaintances there is definitely no person who can interest you.

Memories of your very first love make themselves felt2

Some experts say that your very first love lays the foundation for future relationships. If this first love was a parent who was unable to satisfy the emotional and physical needs of his offspring, or was constantly absent and did not take part in his life and upbringing, then already in adulthood, the child will encounter people who are unavailable to him. He may also begin to pursue the object of his adoration.

There was an unsatisfied or distorted need for love in life

Again, everything comes from childhood, from the parental home, where parents did not particularly pamper with the love and affection that every child needs, or did it conditionally on the basis of this or that behavior. As a result, a person, already an adult, may unconsciously try to win this love, trying to find success in such “unavailable” relationships.

Love from a scientific point of view - a cold look at feelings

People with a pragmatic character will be able to cope most easily with a situation where unrequited love strikes. It will be enough for them to look at all these concepts of “love and dislike” from the point of view of science. And there, by the way, everything is completely simple, explainable and prosaic: “The feeling of love is a unique chain of biochemical reactions that occur in our brain, provoking the activation of certain hormones: endorphin, oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin.” Dopamine, which dominates at the first stage of falling in love and the peak of passion, fully explains the feeling of euphoria that is associated with all sensations of love, both mutual and unrequited. Next, those hormones will prevail that will convey the characteristics of your relationship: a quiet and calm life with your loved one will lead to an increase in oxytocin, and scandals and misunderstandings will lead to an increase in cortisol.

Is there such love in the world? Types of love

If we are talking about feelings, then we should discard all rationality. There are no and cannot be unambiguous answers, a clear division into black and white. It cannot be said that one feeling is false and the other is true - logic does not work here. It also cannot be said that a mutual feeling is love, and a non-mutual feeling is not. Sometimes it seems to people that everything is fine, the relationship is wonderful, but in fact this feeling turns out to be not mutual love. If we consider love through the prism of reciprocity, then it can be conditionally divided into mutual and non-reciprocal. In one case, the object responds to the feeling of the other, and in the second does not experience sympathy or reciprocal attraction.

What are the dangers of unrequited feelings?

At the same time, many people do not find the strength to give up their own suffering. At first, they simply experience their emotions, and then they get used to the role of the victim and already get their own special “high” from such destructive feelings. Those who are weak in character completely fixate their lives on an unattainable chosen one, turning every minute of it into moments of memories or making unrealistic plans for a joint idyll and suffering from unrequited love. Many of these people completely forget about their own interests and may begin to look for ways to forget love through alcohol or drugs. They rarely appear in companies, and if they do, they stay there only on condition that they are listened to and empathized with. Any attempts to open their eyes and reach their minds end in quarrels and alienation. Next comes depression, from which it is even more difficult to get out of it on your own. There are also frequent cases of suicide due to unrequited love, especially in adolescence and young adulthood.

Can non-reciprocal love develop into mutual love?

What do real people think about this?

Feedback on the forum

Of course, people’s situations are different and there cannot be a clear opinion.

Fear of commitment and intimacy 5

A person sometimes deliberately chooses an object of adoration for himself, knowing in advance that there is no point in hoping for reciprocity. For what? Here, the fly in the ointment indicates a relationship in childhood, a strong attachment that could cause heart trauma. The heart wants to continue to love at least someone, but the fear of commitment and intimacy prevents the creation of normal relationships. And one-sided love ensures that you don’t have to face this fear. Unrequited feelings from afar are a great avoidance technique.

Stages of unrequited love

Euphoria stage. It flies by in a flash, as practice shows, it’s only a couple of weeks. A lover experiences all the emotions and feelings possible, he is filled with joy when he sees the object of his passion, he dreams of relationships and meetings under the moon.
Here everyone has their own, for one it is a feeling of doom, for another it is hope for reciprocity. But in both cases there is a fear that the beloved will reject him, self-hatred, and psychological tossing. The complete opposite of the first stage. This can last a couple of months, in rare cases up to a year. Some women, by the way, do not reach this stage, but remain at the first stage, build castles in the air and live in them.
This is the stage of torment and suffering. It is difficult to define a time interval here; love throws can last forever. Ordinary love, which is mutual, can pass if it has not gone through fire and ode, but here the tests themselves have meaning. If such a person does not seek psychological help, then recovery from this illness will be extremely painful.

The final stage of healing. This can take years to achieve, especially if the lover does not even think about asking for help.

How to fix the situation?

Having read the previous sections, you might have gotten the impression that one-sided sympathy is a hopeless matter, doomed to failure in advance. We hasten to reassure you that everything is not as clear as it may seem at first glance. There are cases when a person managed to overcome the indifference of a partner and emerge victorious from the problem. Do you want the same? The following psychological tricks will help you with this:

Learn to understand your chosen one. Simple advice, but difficult to implement. Oddly enough, but your happiness depends on it. Why? It's simple, understanding your partner's needs and his inner world - you take a giant step towards mutual sympathy. Recent research in the field of interpersonal relationships has shown that people are more likely to choose partners who demonstrate their sincere interest in them and prefer to talk about them rather than about themselves.
If you notice that your hobbies with your chosen one are in different areas of interest, then there is only one way out - to adapt to the preferences of the object of passion. For example, he loves traveling outdoors, and you love growing begonias at home. Do you want to achieve reciprocal love? Then it’s time for you to buy boots with strong soles, a sleeping bag and learn to make a fire with one match. Otherwise, your sympathy will remain an unrequited dummy. Well, the begonias on the windowsill do not attract tourists, even if you crack them!
Try to enter the company of your lover. However, this should be done not directly, but in a roundabout way. For these purposes, use friends who are already part of the society you need. Let them introduce you there, as if by chance. Otherwise, your partner will get the impression that you are stalking him. And this never led to any good.
Through mutual friends, try to find out what personal qualities in another person attract your chosen one. Perhaps all his past girlfriends were well-read or excellent cooks. Take this knowledge and improve your skills. This is the only way you will get closer to achieving your cherished goal: to be with him.
No intrusiveness. Psychologists are convinced that obsession is the “first sign” of unrequited love. You start constantly calling the person you like, besiege his entrance in the hope of meeting your eyes, bump into him a hundred times at work or school, carefully monitor his social networks. And what is the outcome? You are absolutely indifferent to him. Why? No one is ready to love those who have no self-respect. So avoid importunity and use common sense in everything.

Low self-esteem, lack of self-esteem 4

Perhaps deep inside a person does not believe that he is worthy of love. This may be an attitude that was instilled in childhood, or the result of a previously destructive relationship. Due to low self-esteem, a person is often attracted to precisely those people from whom he will never expect reciprocal feelings.

But because he believes he doesn't deserve their love, it's disappointing and disheartening, but not the least bit surprising. The person feels trapped in a cycle of ongoing relationships that resemble unfulfilled relationships with parents or other important people in his life.

How to avoid unrequited love?

The main thing is not to lose heart. It should be remembered that true unselfish love cannot be unrequited. To achieve reciprocity, there are recommendations from the lucky ones who have achieved this:

You need to learn to share your partner’s life: listen, hear and understand him.
Forget that there is unrequited love. At first, you can try to become a loyal friend who is always ready to help.
Find common interests, hobbies or activities.
Be near the object of your adoration as often as possible in companies and in society. Such presence should not be intrusive.
Become the man of your partner's dreams. This is achieved by changing your character traits.