What is unrequited love and why is it harmful from a scientific point of view?

What to do if you are unrequitedly in love

Such situations also happen and they can cause us different experiences: feelings of guilt, awkwardness, discomfort, aggression, rage. In addition to feelings, the question of actions also arises - what to do? Maybe you should change your point of view or try to help your lover? Internal schemas can push you to do different things.

Whatever course of action you choose, remember that you have a right to your feelings. If you don't feel sympathy or love, you can say no. Moreover, you have the right not to explain anything if you don’t want to or don’t have the internal resource for it.

Unfortunately, our life is not ideal: sometimes we fall in love unrequitedly, sometimes people fall in love with us unrequitedly, and sometimes our feelings coincide.

Every time we are offended, upset, in love or happy, our childish emotional part turns on. Besides her, there is also an adult part in us that can support, comfort or praise us. We have the internal resources to survive situations in adulthood and not remain at a point where we are unhappy. And one of the important internal resources is the ability to ask for additional support and help from the outside.

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What you need to know about unrequited love?

Unrequited love is the choice of each individual person, even unconsciously. This is a choice of being closed in oneself and inability to build relationships.

Everyone chooses their own suffering and irresponsibility is one of them. Until the unrequited lover himself realizes this, it is useless to make any attempts to combat his “illness.”

But, if such awareness does come and a person discards self-pity, then a whole range of opportunities will open up for him to create real (mutual) relationships.

How to survive unrequited love?

You still need to admit to yourself that you have non-reciprocal love and unrequited feelings. If for 6 months you have lived without the slightest hint of reciprocity and have not made a single attempt to change something, then most likely you have a tendency to have non-reciprocal feelings. From now on, you need to look for the reasons that force you to continue to show your doomed love.
There are many questions to be answered. For example, why do you continue to love unrequitedly? For what reason did you even choose this fate for yourself? The answers will help you find your weaknesses and fears, and will also push you to fight your complexes and your own insecurities. You need to delve into yourself, your feelings and memory.
Unrequited love is often based on fears and phobias that make it impossible to get rid of it. Sometimes a person fears for his future after getting close to his partner. You need to figure out what exactly scares you in a relationship? Perhaps you are afraid of being abandoned and betrayed? Or are you afraid of ridicule from your lover or beloved?
Understand that the longer you torment yourself with unrequited love, the more damage you will cause to your inner world and state of mind. Think about whether you need this and is it worth tormenting yourself? Does unrequited love bring any benefit? Perhaps you should think about yourself and your mental health.
Try to understand: what do you want from your partner and what can you give him? Do you need a relationship and are you able to cope with all the problems that may arise in the process? Are you willing to make certain sacrifices for your partner? Are you ready to sacrifice time, money and effort? Will you be able to carry your feeling of love through your entire family life, or is this just a temporary phenomenon that will soon pass? The answers to these questions will greatly advance you in your search for reciprocity.
Try to put yourself in the shoes of a person who declares his love. Could you do this knowing that there would be no reciprocity? Are you ready to open your heart to a person you essentially don't know? Are you able to bring some uniqueness into the life of your loved one? Can you give him what he really needs? Will you be able to accept him as he is, with his shortcomings and problems? Are you ready to share joy and sorrow with him? You need to understand that your love is not a short-term hobby, but real feelings. We are responsible for those we have tamed.
Set yourself a certain period during which you will not complain about unrequited love, feel sorry for yourself and suffer. Learn to thank the one you love for the opportunity to experience such a wonderful emotion. What's in it for you? You will be able to love without expecting anything in return, you will learn to simply ignore this feeling, and you will also improve emotionally.
Try to distract yourself from your unrequited love and keep yourself busy with something. Find a new hobby or passion for yourself, start reading books. All the methods described are a good way to improve yourself and combat stress. And narrowly focused books (on philosophy and psychology) will help you better understand your feelings and emotions.

All these steps should help you understand your feelings, determine the reasons for unrequited love and ways to deal with them. If this does not help, then the best way to deal with unrequited love is to contact a specialist.

A professional psychologist will help you perceive yourself better and reach a new qualitative level of relationships with the opposite sex. It will help you gain trust.

How to find reciprocity in a relationship?

How to attract mutual love into your life? Everyone dreams of mutual love. This is an opportunity to create a strong, stable family. However, to achieve it, you need to work a lot on your relationships and your personality.

Pay attention to yourself . Why are you attractive to another person, what qualities of your personality make you special, why the object should choose you.
Be active . If you sit and wait for the one you like to come on his own, then there is a chance you won’t wait. The object of love must understand that he is attractive to you. However, there is a fine line here – your behavior should not be too intrusive or intimidating.
Develop yourself . A versatile personality is more interesting.
Be mysterious . This makes you want to know more about you, to reveal the secret sides of your personality.
Respect yourself . People treat us the way we treat them.
Don't be available. How do you feel about a person who agrees to have an intimate relationship on the first date? Most likely, as a one-day entertainment. If you want a long-term relationship, then you will have to approach physical contact responsibly. This is not so important for men; for them, sex is most often a way to satisfy physical needs, but they respect an accessible woman less.
Try not only to take and demand, but also to give . Mutual love is built on the exchange of energy, care, the ability to show attention and help at the right time. Fight your own selfishness and consumerism.
Look around. The person who will become dear to you is quite likely now passing by or working next to you, living in the same yard or riding the same bus with you.
Be open to the world. They try to avoid closed people. They are feared and misunderstood, and building relationships with them is not easy. For some, openness is an innate quality, while others have to learn and rebuild themselves.
When you find a loved one nearby, appreciate him. We often miss our happiness when we slide to the level of mutual reproaches, criticism, blackmail, the concept of “you should.” Such negativity kills feelings.

Possible origins of unrequited love

The origins of unhappy love can come from childhood.

There was no mutual love between father and mother, and, having matured, a person does not believe that love can be mutual;
During childhood, parents did not give the child enough love. He lived in an atmosphere of severity, constant demands and does not believe that he can be loved;
The person doesn't love himself. He believes that someone who will love him must appear, but he himself does not try to give love to the one he likes;
The “bar” is too high. To improve the genetics of the next generations, we have a natural desire to choose a person who is better than us. But sometimes we are chosen by someone who is not at all what we would like;
Fear of loneliness. Having once made a choice, a person is afraid to break off the relationship, even if there has been no love in it for a long time. This is especially true for women with low self-esteem. They think “How can I live without him,” “Who needs me,” “Life is over.” And they try with all their might to get their partner back, deceiving themselves that he loves her, but in his own way.

Why do they say it doesn't exist?

There is often an opinion that mutual love is just a myth . This is due to the fact that people express feelings in different ways.

One loves brightly, trying to give his partner maximum attention, the other shows feelings with restraint, but this does not mean at all that they do not exist.

We are not always able to control ourselves and the desire to be close to others . If we like a person, this does not mean at all that he will reciprocate.

Each of us has our own ideas about the ideal partner, and they may not coincide with the vision of other people. We cannot be forced to love just because we ourselves have feelings.

You can try to attract attention, evoke sympathy, attraction, but this does not at all guarantee the emergence of true love .

What to do in case of unrequited love

In fact, people are rarely ready to experience strong feelings. In the constant bustle of everyday life, we forget about the emotional sphere. But a mature person will always find a way out of the situation - not to revel in despair, not to try to wash away grief, but to try to change the current situation.

Causes

Anyone who falls in love without any prospects rarely thinks about why this happened. Mostly people believe that fate has treated them unfairly. Former love over many years can significantly disturb the heart, leading to a state of panic and hopelessness. You need to understand the origins of the problem, only then will it be possible to cope with it:

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Unreciprocated love is the result of a lack of self-esteem. When we are too dependent on the opinions of others, they begin to value us less. Low self-esteem often becomes the reason for poor decisions and the formation of unhealthy attachments. Unconsciously, the individual tries to prove to himself that he is worthy of happiness.
Trauma in the past. Psychological aspects of relationships can lead to uncontrollable consequences. If there was once a dependent union, then the negative emotions experienced will constantly return.

Confirmation of the absence of mutual feelings

When doubts about a relationship are gnawing at your soul, it is wise to ask the person directly about it. Even if the answer is evasive, you can recognize a lot from facial expressions, gestures, and voice intonation. Don’t miss the opportunity to clarify the situation, because not everyone has it.

Cases when it is worth seeking reciprocity

A partner’s refusal does not always mean a categorical “no”. Sometimes it makes sense to make sure that the chances really are gone. You need to make an effort if you see that your partner is in doubt, it is difficult for him to make a decision. It happens that such behavior is associated with psychological problems, inability to communicate, and make decisions.

If there is even the slightest hint of sympathy, you should not miss your happiness. A missed attempt can result in bitter disappointment.

If we are talking about a married person

In this case, people act as their conscience tells them. But when the feeling is not mutual, insisting on a close relationship is simply rude. The chosen one will be forced to stop all communication with you, and will not even want to just see each other. It is unlikely that you need to spoil the impression of yourself so much that they remember you with negative emotions.

Does it exist?

Love has been studied for many centuries by philosophers, religious figures, artists and even doctors.

Psychology , as the science of the soul, did not ignore it either

Is there truly mutual love? This is a very important question. As a rule, in a couple, one person loves more, the other experiences less intense feelings.

In addition to emotions, there is also a search for benefits – why should partners be together other than satisfying mental and physical needs. Here the welfare factor often comes to the fore.

Of course, mutual love exists, and it is on it that the strongest couples are built.

But taking into account the fact that feelings undergo various changes in their development, true, mutual love comes after difficult life stages have been passed, priorities have been set, and the personality of the other person is valuable.

Is there a formula for mutual love and a happy marriage? Psychologist's opinion:

Signs that love is gone

You began to be repulsed by a person’s shortcomings (despite the fact that before you had an idea about them, but accepted them, trying to avoid the real picture of the world).
The desire to constantly look at a person and be near him has disappeared. Perhaps sometimes you no longer even notice the presence of your ex-boyfriend.
There is no interest in the person, his words, actions and everything connected with his life.
It becomes possible to calmly imagine a person with someone else, without experiencing burning jealousy and pain.
You no longer remember the object of your adoration immediately after waking up and right before going to bed.
He comes to you less and less in dreams, and if he does, they do not evoke any special emotions.
Reluctance to achieve a meeting and indifference to future loneliness

The more of these signs you notice in yourself, the closer you are to healing from unrequited love.

There is reciprocity

One of the biggest indicators that attraction is mutual between two people is reciprocity in the interaction. For example, it may look like you and the other person contribute equally to conversations. You are not the only one asking questions that this person is giving you answers that you can actually work with. You will only know if there is reciprocity in your situation by how you feel.

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If you feel like you get as much as you give when you flirt with someone or try to plan a date, then they're probably into you too.

Signs of unrequited love. Stages of unrequited love

The first stage of euphoric love flies by in an instant. Usually, it lasts no more than a few weeks. A person experiences the whole gamut of feelings and emotions, he looks at the object of his love and is overwhelmed with joy, he dreams of a relationship, he is inspired by meetings and communication with the object of love.

The second stage is different for each person. This may be doom, or it may be an attempt to find reciprocity. But in both cases there arises fear of rejection, self-hatred, mental anguish - nothing in common with the joyful first stage. It may last several months, but is unlikely to last more than a year. What is noteworthy is that many girls do not reach this stage, but remain at the first stage - a sort of soap bubble effect.

The next stage is the stage of suffering and torment. It can last forever, because it is normal love that passes without withstanding the tests, and the meaning of unrequited love lies precisely in these tests. If a person does not seek help, for example, from a psychologist or esotericist, then his healing will be painful.

Well, at the finish line - the healing stage. A person can go to her for months and even years, especially if he experiences all this himself and does not seek help.

Unrequited love - how to survive and move on?

Unrequited love - there is so much in this phrase: here is the hope for reciprocity, and the pain of unrequited feelings, and the desire to be together with the object of your love.

And also - an unwillingness to move on and meet other people.

Unrequited love is something that almost everyone experiences in their youth. Maximalism, self-doubt, increased emotionality, a tendency to suffer “from scratch” - all this creates fertile ground for the development of one-sided feelings.

But the older a person gets, the better he begins to understand himself - his true desires and goals. And learns to implement them. Thanks to this process, most teenage complexes and fears gradually disappear. And along with them - an unconscious desire for disappointment in love.

But meanwhile, there are people who, even over time, continue to be in the grip of an unrequited feeling. They can't get rid of it for years. At the same time, they openly declare their readiness to leave the one-way relationship and even take active steps in this direction.

Pros of unrequited love

No matter how funny it may sound, even unrequited love in the eyes of a lover has its advantages. A depressed person tends to think positively and, even in a situation with unrequited feelings, to seek certain benefits.

So, answering the question “why are the feelings not mutual?”, a person can realize the reasons for his unrequited love and its such a long duration.

With a more detailed analysis, a number of other benefits for lovers can be identified, namely:

With one-sided feelings, there is no need to live with a living person, and therefore with all his characteristics, shortcomings and habits. His world will not invade his comfort zone, anger, frighten or disgust him. Moreover, the image of a lover or beloved can be idealized and brought to the level of perfection in one’s thoughts. An invented (virtual) partner is devoid of any shortcomings and it is much easier to love such a person than a real “sinful person.”
Unrequited love makes it possible to hide from yourself and the world around you. A person tries to avoid his fears, doubts and complexes. During a real relationship, it is almost impossible to avoid the problems described, and the partner, without realizing it, can cause mental trauma with his actions or words. During one-sided feelings, the risk of receiving such trauma is minimal, which puts a person between a choice - pain from a relationship or unrequited love and loneliness. Often the choice falls on the latter.
There are also situations when a person, due to his uncertainty, is not ready for a serious relationship. He is unable to even imagine his life with a partner and is not ready to deal with the upcoming family difficulties. This is what pushes him to choose an unrequited form of love. Unrequited feelings in this case serve as an iron door that protects from relationships and upcoming difficulties associated with them.
An unrequitedly in love person needs those around him and tries to attract their attention with the current situation around him. He shares his story, experiences with friends and even sincerely wants to get rid of the obsessive feeling of love. But, in fact, he does nothing for this, since he likes the pity that others show him.
A girl's unrequited love for a guy and, conversely, creates an emotional substitution. The world in which a lover lives is always filled with bright colors, emotions and a feeling of an approaching good future. With a one-sided feeling, real sensations are replaced and the person believes that his life is emotionally rich. Any arguments against this are simply not accepted.

All the benefits described above create the illusion of help and do not allow a person to realize all the problematic nature of unrequited love. He continues to love long and languidly, hoping that sooner or later the love will become mutual.

Signs of reciprocity

How to understand that love is mutual? People in love send each other various signals that help them understand that they are interested:

look eye to eye,
facial expressions, smile, facial expression,
gestures that help you understand that your partner is interested in you: turning your head, body, open postures when you are nearby,
tactile contact &ndash, people who have feelings try to touch each other, hug, give kisses,
in the first stages of a relationship, you may experience uncertainty, embarrassment from the fact that you feel sympathy for another person,
the desire to be alone with the individual, to meet as often as possible,
the emergence of a desire to enter into intimate relationships,
you want not just to date your partner, but to live with him, create a family, and maintain it.

Mutual love is felt as a kind of energy that unites two people together.

Men may be more restrained in expressing their feelings. They tend to show love with gifts, care, and offers of intimacy.

Women are more emotional ; tactile contact, time spent together, and romance are important to them.

The best way to find out how strong feelings are is to talk. The ability to conduct dialogue helps to solve many problems. If you allow understatement, it means that in a relationship there will always be uncertainty about your partner and his feelings .

Advice from a psychologist to get rid of unrequited love

Let's consider the two most common situations: a lover has fallen out of love, or simply rejects, or when he is not aware of the feeling of falling in love.

If the feelings have faded

The most pointless thing in this case is hope and the desire to “return feelings.” It is incredibly difficult to follow advice, but you will understand that it is the only true one: you need to wait it out, get over the disease and not humiliate yourself in front of the person who rejects, ignores, and avoids you. How can this humiliation be expressed, for which you will definitely be unpleasant after a certain period? This refers to intrusive calls (and in this case they are all intrusive), excessive attention, attempts to call again and again for a conversation or a meeting. Yes, hope dies very hard, but you will have to do your best to contribute to this, finding within yourself all the willpower that is possible.
Don't think that by making your partner feel sorry for you, you will make him fall in love or keep him. Usually such pity is inseparable from contempt and disgust. Be persistent and accept the fact that his (her) love is gone or is basically impossible. Do you think about the shortcomings that repel your lover? They love different people: the evil, the poor, and the stupid. It’s just that that person doesn’t love you - the main reason for the impossibility of this union. Let go of the indifferent and meet the loving.
You’re not happy with the “victim” position, and do you really want to stop suffering by breaking free from the captivity of unrequited love? You abruptly cut off relationships, short calls, messages, any reminders. Don't look for reasons why you can't do this - rather, find opportunities to implement this urgent recommendation.
Remember that almost everyone has encountered this situation at some point. This will pass. However, what will be remembered is how you behaved. Not just in your memory. Try to prove yourself with dignity, so that when this passes (which is inevitable) you will not be ashamed of your weakness. Trust your suffering to a friend, mother or psychologist, but not to a person who doesn’t care about you.
It is important to clearly understand that such emotions are a psychological addiction, similar to alcohol or nicotine. It takes time for the body to forget about addiction. It won’t be easy, but it’s time to start training willpower, it will still come in handy - get at least some benefit from the relationship that is tormenting you. Don’t idealize your partner, and then you will understand that what makes him special in your eyes is only your love, but otherwise, in your destiny you have met and will meet more interesting people who are able to treat you better.

If he/she doesn't know about your feelings

There are only two possible developments in the situation: recognition or getting rid of non-reciprocal love. If recognition has occurred, but there has been no response, try to follow the advice above; if you cannot do this for some reason, then do not ignore these recommendations. Life has given you a test, accept it with dignity.

Find negative traits in him (her)
. Sometimes a little thing is enough to make you disappointed in a person and lose interest. Perhaps this person is greedy, stupid, boorish, a cheater, or something from this category.
You yourself can distract yourself from unhappy love
if you really want it. Switch your attention to some other task that requires energy and time. It is possible that within a few days you will forget about your old feelings. Despite the obvious banality of this advice, most people prefer not to follow it, brushing off the fact that they “no longer have the strength to do anything.” Maybe you don't want enough to fill your life with something else. Pay attention to your figure - maybe it’s not as ideal as you wanted? Direct your energy in this direction. It definitely won’t get worse, but it will definitely get better.
Fill up the time
. This advice follows from the past, and yet: fill your time with useful and interesting things, do not give loving, suffering thoughts even a chance to take you captive. Meet with friends, go to the movies, the theater, visit exhibitions, find an interesting hobby, and so on. Make a plan for the month and you will see how much you can get done. Make a promise to yourself that in a month, if necessary, you will return to these thoughts, but in the meantime, great urgent things await you.
Pay attention to the opposite sex
. Try your hand at a dating site or in hobby groups if you think that among your acquaintances there is definitely no person who can interest you.

How to recognize unrequited love

Probably, the thought that you are loved less than you give to your boyfriend (or girlfriend) has visited many people. Everyone at some point thinks about whether love in a relationship is mutual or unrequited. This is especially true during periods of quarrels, when emotions can lead to not entirely well-considered actions. There are no special signs by which one could determine what is happening in your couple: a crisis or you are dealing with unrequited love. At the same time, many psychologists recommend paying attention to the following facts in the behavior and actions of your partner:

Lack of initiative and obvious avoidance of meetings on his part with your constant desire to spend as much time as possible together;
Uncertainty in the relationship, the partner’s reluctance to talk about this topic, to dot the i’s;
Keeping relationships a secret when the beloved man is in no hurry to introduce him to his friends or relatives;
The presence in the couple of a feeling of understatement and closedness on the part of the chosen one;
The guy’s physical coldness, lack of expressions of tenderness and affection, etc.

Of course, these facts must be analyzed as a whole, and not immediately fall into despair when a man does not kiss you when you meet. Look for reasons in your behavior, be interested and keep abreast of his life, and then you will know exactly what affects his mood and how it affects your relationship.