✅ Codependency and how to deal with it

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Article prepared by an expert

Terekhova Anna Vladimirovna

Psychologist-consultant on socio-psychological work with addicted clients and their families. Experience in the field of rehabilitation and social adaptation of persons with dependent behavior for more than 9 years.

Reading time: 5 minutes

Read in the article:

What is codependency
Personality characteristics in codependency
4 stages of recovery

Codependency and addiction are closely related. In families where one of the participants is addicted to alcohol or drugs, his loved ones are in codependent relationships. By helping an addicted person and indulging his bad habit, relatives hinder recovery.

In our article we will look at how codependency appears, what changes in character and behavior it causes, and how to begin recovery.

What is codependency

Until the 1970s, the term “codependency” was not used in psychological dictionaries, and the terms “co-alcoholism” or “para-alcoholism” were used to determine the influence on the behavior of loved ones in the family of an alcoholic or drug addict. A single meaning of the term has not yet been determined. As an example, take the following interpretation: “The codependent is absolutely focused on controlling the actions of another person and does not take into account his own needs at all.” Simply put, a codependent person abandons himself.

How does codependency manifest itself, by what signs can one “calculate” a codependent?

I'll try to be specific. So, the state of codependency is characterized by the following manifestations: • Denial of the problem, self-deception and delusion as self-defense mechanisms. • Compulsive obsessive thoughts and actions of an irrational nature. • Low self-esteem with diminishment of one's importance. • Feelings of guilt for certain actions that led to negative consequences for others or oneself. • Suppressed anger. • Frozen feelings, or isolation of affect, when a person is aware of the problem, but does not react emotionally. In fact, it is also an element of psychological protection. • Deterioration of health due to constant stress, i.e. various psychosomatic disorders. In fact, a codependent person allows himself to become dependent on the behavior of another person, i.e. the point is not in the object, but in the very subject of this painful state. Therefore, all codependents have similar mental symptoms, namely: • Closedness. • Tearfulness. • Apathy and tendency to depression. • Intrusive help. As Melody Beatty wrote, “Codependents are inevitably annoying people.” • Ignoring one's own interests and needs. • Problems in the intimate sphere. • Uncontrolled aggression. A codependent person deprives himself of the right to freedom of thoughts, actions and choices. At the epicenter of his experiences there is only one person and his actions: “he will come - he will not come”, “he will endure - he will not bear”, “he will sell - he will not sell”, “he will steal - he will not steal”, etc. It is almost impossible to get out of this circle of obsessive thinking on your own - even removing the object from the life of the codependent for treatment or to places of isolation will not help. The thoughts of the codependent will still be occupied only with him, because... anxiety, guardianship and control have already become a way of life.

Personality characteristics in codependency

Codependents often downplay the extent of their problem and sometimes only a specialist can determine the true state of affairs. However, according to personal characteristics, several standard characteristics can be distinguished:

1. Low self-esteem

One of the main characteristics on which all others depend. Codependents often use the words “should, should” and their consciousness is always directed outward, which is associated with the desire to help others.

2. The desire to control someone else's life

The need to bring order to the situation in the family by any means: advice, complaints, threats or persuasion. They often resort to instilling feelings of guilt or display excessive authority. If an addict breaks down, they consider it a personal defeat.

3. The desire to save others

Codependents sleep poorly, do not take care of their diet and health, and cannot determine their own needs. At the same time, the desire to help the addict on their own fails every time, which leads to a feeling of need and irreplaceability.

4. Experiencing negative emotions

Most of the actions of codependents are motivated by a feeling of fear. It is this feeling that forms the basis of any form of addiction. Close people are afraid to face reality, to be abandoned, to lose control over their lives, and much more.

A constant feeling of fear interferes with them and leads to such a state as rigidity or inflexibility of both soul and body. In addition to fear, codependents often encounter feelings such as anxiety, guilt, shame, resentment, anger, self-pity, and despair. A person protects himself with such toxic emotions.

5. Denial of the problem

Codependents deny the real situation, prefer to minimize the problem or repress it. They often pretend that nothing special is happening; they may even deny the direct fact of drug intoxication. If something said supports their illusion, then they willingly believe it. Self-deception leads to spiritual degradation and prevents you from asking for help for yourself, which also has a detrimental effect on the addiction of an alcoholic or drug addict.

6. Psychosomatic illnesses

Constant stress provokes physical illnesses. Codependents often suffer from arrhythmia, tachycardia or headaches, have problems with the gastrointestinal tract, even open ulcers, and others.

Codependents try to control someone else's life contrary to their own needs, which ultimately leads to disruptions in the body. The presence of psychosomatic diseases indicates a serious course of codependency and the need for recovery. You won’t be able to relieve symptoms on your own, so to cope with codependency, you need the help of psychologists.

7. Spiritual crisis

The codependent relationship with himself, with family and society deteriorates and is replaced by distorted interaction with an alcoholic or drug addict in the family. All attention and energy are devoted to him, which affects the quality of his entire life.

Codependency can be dealt with through psychotherapy. You can achieve positive results during individual or group work with a psychologist or after completing special courses. This process takes time and goes through several stages on the way to a free life.

How to get rid of codependency?

The key to getting rid of codependency lies primarily in family psychotherapy. These are sessions to which the addict comes with his close relatives, his family. It should be started simultaneously with a treatment program for alcoholism, drug addiction and other addictions: these areas intersect so closely that it is often impossible to achieve complete recovery even without one component.

Personal psychotherapy with the involvement of a good therapist or psychologist will also help. The specialist’s task is not to cure, but to help find the cause of the problem and, together with the patient, outline a way out of it.

And of course, it is very important to find a good psychiatrist-narcologist for an addicted person who will develop a program to get out of the current situation. Help from loved ones during treatment is extremely important, but only if it is real help and not a dangerous codependent relationship. A family therapist can help you set healthy boundaries.

Treatment for addiction and codependency is a complex and complex process: unfortunately, in this situation you cannot prescribe medication and be sure that it will help. A lot has to do with motivation, mental and mental health, love for yourself and others.

Signs of a codependent in the family

Low self-esteem. The person thinks about his own inferiority and believes that he deserves bad behavior from the addict.
Attempts to take on the problem of an alcoholic/drug addict. The codependent covers up the drunkenness of a family member and his actions (for example, he takes out a loan for himself to pay off debts).
Worried that the alcoholic will leave the family. Codependent people will do anything to maintain a relationship, incl. will ignore domestic violence and other signs of crime.
They will concentrate all their attention on the feelings of their loved one. Codependents become so saturated with another person that they cease to separate their emotions from his.
Puts the needs of the alcoholic/drug addict above his own. The codependent ignores the signs of his situation and refuses to live a happy, fulfilling life.
Destroys his principles. A codependent often agrees to strict demands in order to avoid rejection (for example, instead of love and care, he agrees to simple sex).
Tries to completely control the drug addict/alcoholic, depriving him of freedom of choice even in simple situations. This sign miraculously coexists with the desire to disappear into the problems of another person.
Avoids conflicts. A codependent may control the alcoholic's actions covertly, avoiding direct confrontation (for example, hiding a bottle or drug).
Harms your body. A codependent may start drinking or injecting drugs in order to better integrate into the life of a drug addict or alcoholic.

Diagnostics

Regarding the gender composition of the problem, a predominance of the percentage of women is noted. The psychologist determines the presence of this quality in them from the “threshold”. The personality and behavior of this category of people are quite characteristic.

Manifestations of deviation depend on the stage of the process:

Early. Gradual progressive attachment to the addict. Excessive care, gifts, small favors. The desire to please appears more and more often. Increased concern about the patient's developing problems. Justifications and attempts to rationally explain the pathological behavior of a drinker or drug user. Emotional mirroring - the background of the mood depends on the subject of his excessive attention.
Average. Search for justification, or direct denial of the sociopathological status of an alcohol-drug addict (taking money from supplies, episodes of memory loss from intoxication, missing work due to heavy drinking, etc.) Facts of antisocial behavior begin not only to be justified, but also to hide from other people. Control over the addict increases. Methods of manipulation in family communication (“I won’t survive like this”), accusations, secrets from others are formed.
Late. The signs described above, after reaching their apogee, are reduced to apathy, a feeling of complete inner emptiness, indifference. Hopelessness and hopelessness begin to dominate the mood. A codependent person gradually develops psychosomatic diseases - peptic ulcers, hypertension, etc. Attempts to control the patient reach their maximum, up to destructive manifestations - adding toxic substances to vodka, collusion with antisocial individuals in order to “teach a lesson,” etc.

For diagnostics, in addition to surveys, proprietary tests consisting of special questions are used. The test result is taken into account in combination with the information received and the inspection.

Emotional addiction

A common stereotypical idea of addiction is chemical dependency. However, emotional dependence is no less complex in its manifestations and painful. At the same time, the message in this case to the partner will be something like: “I need all of you!”, or “I am all you need, absolutely everything, don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything, don’t look at anyone else , except me!”, or “Nothing further exists. I will help, I will do everything for you myself. Look how good you feel. You are required to do nothing!” These are classic messages from a codependent to an addict.

Personal development occurs throughout life, regardless of our desire. We can say that the codependent system represents an inflated Personality. Changes are possible, but they will happen extremely slowly. Therefore, it is more important to preserve the already formed connections. Codependency is a system that cannot do without dependent people. Adaptation occurs slowly. Some psychologists believe that codependency can be viewed as a craving for total control of another person and life circumstances.

If we choose the past, then we choose immutability and, as a consequence, face guilt. If we look into the future, we choose the unknown and inevitably face anxiety about it. The point is that in contact here and now, a person can escape from the present moment or into the past or into the future, avoiding the opportunity to be in the present moment.

During a psychological session, the specialist always draws the client’s attention to this, which increases the degree of his awareness. There can be so much anxiety that some clients choose to adapt rather than evolve. Here the codependent system assumes stability, but sacrifices development.

For example, a client at a psychological session says that he is already tired of working in this enterprise, he is not developing, he forces himself to go to it. But in order to get out of this “swamp” zone, as he himself calls it, effort must be made. Typically, clients at this point will give a number of reasons for not doing anything about it. The support of a psychologist here will be very valuable.

Codependent systems only absorb because they are closed. “You looked at that guy! So you’ve thought about cheating on me with him!”

You can get into such a system quite easily, but it’s difficult to get out. To do this, you need to break with the object of dependence. At this stage, the help of a psychologist will be very important.

You can often hear something like this from codependent people: “They helped and loved you so much here, but you want to leave us?!” The codependent system does not develop, since it is closed to the dependent person.

The codependent system is a catcher of human souls, as one of the masters of the Gestalt approach said. A codependent system will strive to become the main object of dependence for a person. If you break contact with your addiction, then the codependent system will no longer need you. A person, having seen the world beyond this system, will begin to test different ways of interacting with reality. In order not to lose the dependent person, the codependent makes it clear that you can do absolutely anything with him, and he is ready to endure it all. This is a temptation that not everyone is able to refuse. The person tries to take all power over the situation for himself.

For example, the head of a department may be dissatisfied with one of his subordinates, but for some reason allows them to behave the way they want without stopping their behavior.

Codependency occurs in a place where addiction accumulates; there is a lot of pain, a lot of energy. Metaphorically, we can say that this energy turns into a black hole that sucks everything around it into itself. As another representative of the Gestalt approach said, codependency can be compared to a pole with hooks that stands in the middle of the stormy ocean of life. You can approach it with your addiction and attach yourself there. From that moment on, a person's addiction does not belong to him. Responsibility for a person’s life can be taken upon himself by the one who has taken over the life of this person, in fact, dedicated part of his life.

Every person has one of the basic needs - to belong. It can also arise in order to reduce one’s social anxiety, to fit into structures and systems that could provide such an opportunity. If we are talking about a codependent system, then it is assumed that one’s needs can only be satisfied in it.

You can often hear from clients at a psychological session that one partner is jealous of the other at all that moves, exercising total control of every step.

The modern way of life and culture involves a lot of speed, as a consequence of overexertion. A person does not have time to survive everything that happened to him, that he experienced. We must very quickly cope with all signals coming from outside. As a result, we have many unfinished situations. In post-contact (according to the classic curve of the cycle of contact with a need), in the final phase there is a lot of energy of the unexperienced. This means that the new contact does not start from the zero mark. Excess overload energy accumulates. High energy involves entering a new situation with unexperienced and unedited past material.

There is a limit to endurance, we can feel pain of unknown origin, we cannot relax. Essentially, in this case we are going into a new experience with unfinished gestalts of the past.

Addictions relieve this tension, help to survive in this situation, through the release of unexperienced tension and excitement. For example, a client at a psychological session says that it is difficult for him to relax and he begins to get angry at home with loved ones, since at work there are many situations that require quick reactions, in a team it is not customary to talk with colleagues without masks, this implies the accumulation of excitement. And when he comes home, such an employee can get relaxation, for example, with a dose of alcohol.

Codependency involves a situation that occurs at a very high level of energy. The codependent system conveys to dependent people the position that you don’t need to do anything, everything is already ready, and we are waiting for you, accepting you, loving you. Codependent clients often say that “we are taken care of, there is an owner, but if I behave well, they will give me the opportunity to expand, to be closer to the owner. Even though I’m not happy with where I am, it’s predictable that I’m not confident in my success in another place.”

A person creates for himself the illusion that it is safe here. And any competition for any resource presupposes a struggle, often according to unclear rules. Not everyone is ready for this, although they may voice such desires.

The more dependent a person becomes, the more helpless he is, the higher he rises in the hierarchy of the codependent system. And if at the same time you show signs of immaturity, then for codependent people you will be simply worth your weight in gold.

For example, the higher the degree of dependence of an employee on a specific workplace, the more indispensable such an employee will be for a codependent manager.

In the fight against the codependent system, the main thing is not to fight, so as not to devote your last strength to this process. More “psychologically upgraded” clients during the session say that you can be a not very comfortable person, but remain in a relationship with them. It is important to make contact with a specific person, and not with your idea of her, or with a forcibly imposed personal opinion about how everyone should think, what, how and when to say.

A client told a session that his colleague, having encountered an alternative position on a work issue, told him something like this: “Don’t say that anymore, okay? I don’t agree with this!” We are not talking about corporate ethics or agreements accepted in the team, but about the fact that she would like to build contact solely in line with her understanding of the situation; all others should automatically, by default, agree with her. Interestingly, she calmed down after hearing what she expected. But there was no contact between them.

If you break the connection with the object of dependence, abstinence will occur; a person cannot build relationships with the objects of his need without a codependent system and control his affects. At the same time, in this case, the codependent system will receive a lot of aggression. Here you can switch to another codependent system. For example, leaving one job for another, citing a bad team.

Clients at psychological sessions often say that they do not know how to behave in a situation where there is no outside support, when they have to withstand the tension of contact, especially when accepting that all people are different. Previously, when he was dependent on the positions of others, he nodded his head, pushing his personal opinion deeper into himself, people treated him well, but now, when they met him, they are not ready to accept him that way. Is he himself ready for this? The support of a psychologist is very important here.

The feeling that I can’t do anything on my own is very painful. This feeling of inferiority, in order not to experience it, a person looks for codependent people. One of the signs of a codependent team is the moment when, for example, at a meeting, everyone sits and endures, trying to smile and talk a lot, just to avoid meeting each other, and most importantly, with themselves.

To endure means to accumulate a high level of unbearable pain post-exposure. The point is that the individual understands what he needs, how to get it, and what to do with it, but final assimilation does not occur, since there is no way to “digest” what has been absorbed.

Causes of mental disorders

The psyche of a loved one is trying to adapt to constant stressful situations, constant anxiety, and anticipation of negative incidents. Chronic fatigue and overload lead to exhaustion of the nervous system.

Against this background, adaptive mechanisms are activated that protect the psyche from disorder. Consciousness begins to gradually repress negative thoughts and experiences. They are replaced by a series of meaningless and harmful thoughts and actions. The relative stops noticing many problems, gets fixated on some ideas and tries with all his might to correct the situation. As a result, everyone gets worse.

Diagnostics

Manifestations of deviation depend on the stage of the process:

Early. Gradual progressive attachment to the addict. Excessive care, gifts, small favors. The desire to please appears more and more often. Increased concern about the patient's developing problems. Justifications and attempts to rationally explain the pathological behavior of a drinker or drug user. Emotional mirroring - the background of the mood depends on the subject of his excessive attention.
Average. Search for justification, or direct denial of the sociopathological status of an alcohol-drug addict (taking money from supplies, episodes of memory loss from intoxication, missing work due to heavy drinking, etc.) Facts of antisocial behavior begin not only to be justified, but also to hide from other people. Control over the addict increases. Methods of manipulation in family communication (“I won’t survive like this”), accusations, secrets from others are formed.
Late. The signs described above, after reaching their apogee, are reduced to apathy, a feeling of complete inner emptiness, indifference. Hopelessness and hopelessness begin to dominate the mood. A codependent person gradually develops psychosomatic diseases - peptic ulcers, hypertension, etc. Attempts to control the patient reach their maximum, up to destructive manifestations - adding toxic substances to vodka, collusion with antisocial individuals in order to “teach a lesson,” etc.

Counter-dependency

Counterdependency is an emotional dependence on independence. A client, talking about communicating with friends, says something like this: “I won’t be with you!” But if a person offers a real alternative, he leaves the position of counterdependence. And if he simply says that he doesn’t want to communicate, but “he pouted and pointedly turned away,” then this is counter-dependence. This can be compared to how a child shouts that he can handle everything himself, but he cannot do anything himself, since he is very small.

A socially approved phenomenon in our world says that if you don’t depend on anyone, then you are cool and have your own opinion.

Counterdependents need people on whom they will not “depend.” At the same time, a particularly attractive bait for addicts and counter-addicts will be something like this: “No one is moored to my hook!” They say that you can unhook from it at any moment.

For example, a client at a psychological session talks about conquering the unattainable Everest in the person of a model-looking guy who positions himself as independent and not needing to communicate with others, but at the same time is very demonstrative.

The help of a psychologist during a session can be primarily addressed to those who are not fully aware of their status of dependence, counter-dependence, codependency, and are unable to build contact with other people or their needs, regardless of the object of dependence.

State of dependency

Dependency can be understood as a state when a person or object is embedded in the client’s life at a vital level. This means that a person practically cannot live without someone to whom or what he is attached to. Clients often say during a session: “I can’t live without communicating with this person, for me he is the light in the window!” If this contact is broken, it is perceived as a threat to life, a loss of meaning. A person cannot imagine that he will be able to exist after this.

Such reactions are formed against the background of deficiency, that is, the individual lacks something, and she receives it through another person or an object of need. To compensate for the deficiency, addiction arises.

For example, something is not working out for a client, but you can find a person who you can start using to fill this need. Of course, this happens unconsciously; the person himself is not aware of this, and does not do it on purpose.

When an object of addiction is found, pain is relieved, the quality of life changes, the person becomes alive, filled with emotions. And we are talking not only about chemical types of dependence, but also about emotional dependence on other people.

If there was a lot of pain, and the object of addiction was “numbed” very well, then the person becomes very strongly attached to it. Each of us has many things to which we become attached, but it is important to be aware of this process and consider how much control we have over it, and whether we are able to satisfy the current need through alternative sources.

For example, are we able to let our partner go to a nightclub, trusting him, or do the same ourselves. This does not mean that partners are not interested in each other, and it’s not just about trust, but the important aspect is whether it is possible to get pleasure from communicating with another person, not with this particular partner.

And if there is a connection between personality and codependency, then we transfer our dependence to this system. Codependency “says that it will endure everything, that it was waiting for you.” As a result, the dependent person receives care. A person believes that if he is tolerated, this means that his dependence begins to develop and intensify. In essence, codependent people do not need a personality, but this dependence is necessary.

For example, a codependent wife needs her husband’s dependence, for example, on alcohol, in order to take care of him and subsequently manipulate him. Of course, she tells everyone around and herself that she dreams of her husband stopping drinking, but in essence, she has no experience or understanding of how to deal with a person without actual addiction.

It often happens that such families come to the psychologist’s office, but having received relief from the work, they leave, returning after some time with the same questions. The question is also how ready these people are to build relationships not of the “dependent-codependent” type, but of the type of direct contact, discussing all issues directly. In these situations, psychological consultation, both in person and via Skype, will be useful to the family. Before going to a family psychologist, answer yourself the question of whether you are ready to meet with each other without masks.

Types of codependent relationships

I am the victim, the other ruler.

This type of relationship is characterized by the fact that the partner completely dissolves in his other half, forgetting his desires and dreams.

I am a tyrant, my other fan.

Here we usually meet a bright dominant and a suffering partner. This is typical for relationships in which there is a person with addictions (for example: alcoholism, drug addiction).

Union of Salvation: Tyrant and Victims

The tyrant enjoys his superiority. Sometimes tyrants feel their power so much that they go so far as to inflict bodily harm. The victim also benefits from such relationships. Feeding the tyrant's pride, she skillfully manipulates him and achieves her goals from him. Such relationships give her a sense of importance. After all, for those around her, she is a humble, righteous sufferer.

Self-affirmation at the expense of a partner

This type of relationship is characterized by the fact that one of the partners requires constant confirmation of their own importance from the other. The codependent looks at his partner as if in a mirror and expects constant admiration, adoration, praise, and every minute confirmation of his worth and ideality from the other.

Content:

Causes of mental disorders
12 signs of codependency
Who most often falls into codependency with drug addiction and alcoholism?
Codependency in drug addiction and alcoholism: features
How to cure codependency
Treatment of codependency from an alcoholic/drug addict

According to statistics, about 85% of relatives of drug addicts and alcoholics are codependent. This pathological condition is manifested by an incorrect attitude towards patients and a number of personal problems. Codependents are unable to correctly assess the current situation and make adequate decisions.

Without eliminating this disorder, all attempts to cure alcoholism and drug addiction will be unsuccessful. It is necessary to treat the codependency of loved ones in parallel with the elimination of the underlying disease.