If you have already noticed that your child is reluctant to go to class, does not say anything about school life and classmates, and never turns to them for help, it is quite possible that he is lonely. Your child's class teacher will help confirm your concerns.
Having worked at schools for many years, I often come across the fact that even in large classes, some children remain lonely until graduation. Years later, they are reluctant to remember their school days.
What to do when the problem is already obvious? Run to school and deal with unfriendly classmates? Putting pressure on a child? Or maybe transfer him to another class or school? Let's look for a way out of this situation together.
Psychology of the school community
School is a place that becomes a second home for everyone for a certain period of time.
And it is very good if initially the child finds himself in a healthy atmosphere of a friendly and cohesive class. But in most cases this is not the case, and many children find it difficult to build friendly relationships with their classmates. But they spend about 11 years of their lives side by side with these people. What and how to do to teach a child to be friends with classmates, so that peers from the same class understand and respect each other? Should adults intervene in children's conflicts? Do problems with attracting teachers need to be addressed? We talk about this popularly and impartially.
Where should you look for like-minded people?
Where can a child find friends? If your son or daughter is unable to make friends at school, then this can always be done in other places. For example, on the playground in your yard. The children who play there already have something in common: they live in the same area. Talk to one of the mothers, let her help your child make friends with hers.
You can also visit your friends, acquaintances, and colleagues who have children of about the same age as yours. Once in the same apartment, they will have no choice - they will have to talk.
Another option is to take your son or daughter to additional classes that are interesting to the child. In this case, children are united by common hobbies and interests, they will be able to quickly find a common language.
Which children are disliked by their peers?
It has been proven by psychologists and life in general that children show particular cruelty to those whom they cannot understand and accept. This suggests a cause-and-effect relationship:
- Guys do not like peers who are not like them, who are different from the majority in appearance, mentally or physically. Example: a classmate burrs, this is already a reason to give her an offensive nickname and automatically write her down as an outcast. They are also ridiculed and slandered because someone from the class, in the opinion of the majority, dresses unfashionably or unkemptly, comes from a family that does not have a high material income. Yes, unfortunately, today social inequality is one of the many reasons for the dislike of classmates. Thus, this group of guys can be called “others.”
- Children are interested in offending those who are offended, who react, cry, scream, or wave their arms. At the same time, the guys who act as aggressors stand and look at the inadequate reactions, smile, giggle and only become more excited by the idea of dislike for the “victim”. This group of outcasts can be conditionally classified as “whiners.”
- Often good relationships in the classroom cannot be built because the teacher, perhaps even unconsciously, singles out someone as a “favorite.” And this child also faces the “dislike” of his classmates. As is already becoming clear, this group receives the code name “favorites.”
- They also most often do not like informers and those who complain. Therefore, our rating is completed by the group of “sneaks”.
All these guys, who have a different status from most of their classmates, become “victims”. And this classification can be continued, since the imagination of children is very, very diverse.
Moreover, any child can become a “victim”. Let's consider an example: sometimes parents, due to work or some other reasons, are forced to change their child’s place of residence and, accordingly, school, tearing him out of his usual habitat. And he, coming to the school team as a “new kid,” is already initially in a stressful situation. He often worries, is embarrassed, and fears how his classmates will accept him, how to find a common language with them. Of course, with such thoughts in his head, and even more so when placed in a new environment, the child can withdraw into himself and here you have the appearance of a “victim”. In addition, in this stressful situation he may behave incorrectly. He will start bullying the kids in his new class, or, conversely, not communicate with anyone because of shyness. And his classmates can give him a kind of “lice test,” and if you react to it inadequately, you can easily become an outcast.
How then can children who are not liked by their classmates find a common language with them and make friends? Is it possible to get rid of such offensive “victim” syndrome? Let's try to find answers to questions that are pressing for many.
Common causes of quarrels between classmates
The reasons for conflict between classmates are most often made up from thin air, but one way or another they are imbued with the spirit of competition:
- Most children strive to be “higher, faster, stronger” compared to other classmates. And in the struggle for unspoken authority among peers, the methods used are not always decent. Well, for example, in order to whitewash yourself, you need to denigrate someone else.
- Accordingly, insults, gossip, and intrigue are used, which are aimed at trampling the honor and dignity of a peer. Naturally, there is no need to talk about good relationships within the class.
- Another important parameter of the lack of harmony in the class is the feeling of envy. Envy that a classmate or classmate is more successful with the opposite sex, has high performance in school subjects, is treated kindly by teachers, etc. - all this leads to the fact that children cannot make friends and begin to enter into conflicts.
How to teach children to play together? Tips for parents to unite their children's team
The game plays a huge role in the upbringing and development of a child. And the adult’s task is to help children organize the game and make it fun for everyone.
What rules should an adult not forget about?
- Don't pressure or force children to play. You just need to be interested.
- The game should continue as long as it brings pleasure to each of the children playing.
- Offer children a variety of team games. The best option: games where children do not compete with each other. Examples of such games include: “Treasure Hunt” (when the team goes to look for a well-hidden treasure), “Pass it on” (children pass any object in a circle until the leader commands “stop”; the one who has the object left performs a physical exercise ), “Stream” (participants stand in pairs and hold hands, forming a corridor into which the driver enters and takes any of the pair with him, they stand at the end of the corridor, and the free player becomes the driver), etc.
- Do not restrain the physical activity of children, try to create a relaxed, but at the same time safe environment.
- Choose games that are age-appropriate.
- Choose unstructured game options. There are no special goals or rules in such games, so all children will feel comfortable. These include various sports games with elements of climbing, running, jumping, but not having a specific goal: walking or climbing on a log, blowing soap bubbles and running after them; various games with water, sand, plasticine; games with elements of “construction”: building a “hut” from available materials (blanket, chairs, etc.).
What options can you come up with for organizing joint activities for children?
The bonds of children's friendship are formed independently when children are busy with something that is not only unifying, but also very interesting. Through shared experiences and activities, interest emerges. Children see another child as a “similar, congenial” person.
For preschool children, this connecting link can be, for example, free play. In order for the game to work, you must offer some options, come up with something, learn to follow the rules and resolve various conflict situations.
For school-age children, these include walks, hikes, doing homework together and, of course, associations based on interests.
For younger children it is necessary and important to “create”, and for a teenager – to “offer” opportunities so that the makings of friendship, and later friendship, can “germinate and strengthen”: games, various activities, sections, studios, various trainings and etc.
Theme party
Particular preference should be given to organizing themed parties (pirate quests, military-themed quests, pajama parties, ethnic parties, cowboy, gangster, zombie, etc.) Of course, an adult will have to prepare well and think through competitions according to the theme (fortunately, there are a huge number of them online), but the result will exceed all expectations! No child will remain indifferent, especially if the theme of the party is to everyone's liking.
Picnic
The idea of organizing a picnic seems banal and hackneyed, but the joint activity of preparing a picnic brings children together. Lighting a fire, frying sausages or marshmallows, baking potatoes, playing ball will definitely bring children together.
Hiking trip
Organizing a one-day hiking trip is one of the options for bringing both children and adults together. You can unite families with friends or neighbors and develop a simple route. New adventures, new emotions - it's always about unification and releasing clamps.
In addition, having become friends with the parents of other children, you can organize: joint walks, trips to the park, to a cafe, to the cinema, etc. There is a high probability that your child will loosen up and dialogue with other children will happen on its own.
Circles, sections, studios, associations
Every parent sees in their child certain abilities, interests, and hobbies. They can also be used to form an additional social circle. Fortunately, now there are such opportunities in both big cities and small towns.
Does your child like to draw? Bingo! In the art studio, the child will be able to find new friends. Does your child love to design? Bingo! In the robotics club you can find children with the same interests. Sports – sports associations; dances – dance groups; penchant for the stage and literature - puppet theater associations, drama clubs; crafts – associations for papermaking, beading, modeling, etc. and so on..
How to independently establish relationships with classmates?
You can, of course, follow the same path of violence and immediately show all your classmates “who’s boss”, using physical force, and turn out to be the strongest and fearless in the class. But let's not engage in stupidity by promoting violence.
Ways for a child to establish relationships with classmates on their own:
- Try to find guys in the class who are similar to him in some way, for example, in academic success (or failure), or a common hobby.
- Lend a helping hand to your fellow student who is lagging behind in his studies, trying to encourage him and coach him in a specific subject or in the school curriculum in general.
- Show interest in class life. Offer your help in organizing school parties, cleaning the classroom or decorating for the holiday.
If you start showing your interest, openness and friendliness, then in most cases your classmates will also show sympathy.
Don't be afraid to ask for help
A child should not be afraid to ask for help from peers, be it one textbook between two or solving homework together after class. At the same time, one must not forget to show friendliness and affability, without using a pleading or commanding tone. It is also recommended to ask your classmates for help in holding a joint party, where the guys can all chat together in an informal setting. If nothing works out, you should ask your parents or teacher for advice.
How can parents help?
Parents, as you know, most often brush off their child’s problems and simply say: “Oh, don’t pay attention! You are already an adult, the main thing is to study well, and the rest will pass.” But how can one study well when a child is sad, worried and so wants to belong in the class?
Therefore, the first thing every parent needs to do when a child shares his problem with him is to provide moral support. Say something like this: “Yes, my dear, now you are angry and sad, but everything is in your hands, and you need to try to improve relationships in the class and under no circumstances withdraw into yourself.” After this, it’s worth exploring the possibilities for solving problems with classmates, giving advice on how to behave within the team, and what not to do.
But not all parents are loyal to those who abuse their children. Some, as soon as they hear complaints of this kind, without discerning who is right and who is wrong, run headlong to school and begin to quarrel with the class teacher, calling him to account. Then they quarrel with other parents in the class, and there are generally outrageous cases when an adult can physically injure a careless classmate of his child. This absolutely cannot be done. All conflicts must be resolved calmly and fully presenting the whole picture of what is happening. You can seek help from a school psychologist, try to communicate with other parents and find out their point of view on this issue.
Parents must certainly intervene and react immediately if a child is constantly humiliated en masse or beaten. It is important to understand that this is no longer just a situation of a quarrel with classmates, but the infliction of deep psychological trauma. And if parents continue to remain silent in this situation, then it will be very difficult to return the child to normal life and improve his psychological background.
Solving the problem with the help of teachers
A teacher is able to influence a class in which children do not accept someone, but only if the child himself tries to establish communication, and his parents try to behave appropriately. Most often, preventive work with schoolchildren is organized by the class teacher, and it is he who should be contacted. How he can help a child improve relationships with classmates:
- First of all, the teacher should conduct a preventative conversation with the whole class if the children offend or ignore a classmate.
- The teacher can skillfully interest all classmates in the joint participation, for example, in some thematic event, taking into account the desires, needs, interests, abilities of everyone, so that no one feels inferior.
- You can unite your classmates through extracurricular activities. For example, choose a non-trivial method and go on a hike with the whole class. And try to play it out in such a way that the children are as involved as possible in the joint work: making a fire, setting up a tent camp. After such a trip, it will be possible to hold a class hour in which each student can be praised for his behavior during a common task.
Take part in learning extracurricular assignments
Remember that your student lifestyle includes more than regular activities. Events planned by your school are ideal for meeting other students. Be sure to take part in as many extracurricular activities as possible and make sure you get to know the people you study with.
What can't you do?
Psychology describes in detail advice on what not to do when trying to improve relationships with classmates:
- Be aggressive, avoid communicating with guys, answer them rudely, provoke aggression, immediately throw fists at classmates if you don’t like something.
- Strive to earn cheap prestige among peers, trying to bribe them in various ways, treating them with sweets, cajoling them with gifts or sponsoring them with money.
- Participate in gossip and all sorts of intrigues.
- Strive to bring every classmate into the rank of your best friends.
And always remember just one thing: if you find yourself in a situation of difficult relationships with classmates, then do not despair, arm yourself with patience and know that everything will pass and this stage will also end!
What to do if your child has no friends?
If a child has no friends, you need to understand the reason for this situation. There may be several of them: shyness and modesty of a son or daughter, a reserved introverted character, a love of solitude, stressful situations in the family, bullying at school, conflicts with classmates. By understanding the root cause of the problem, you can solve it. Call your child for a frank conversation, which should be conducted in a calm, friendly tone. Talk to him about what he thinks and feels about this. Together, outline a plan of action for finding friends that your child would be comfortable following.
