Every person experiences a state of deep loss several times in their life. First - in adolescence, when we fully begin to understand ourselves as individuals and worry about our future, then - when we begin our professional activities. But the most striking crisis on everyone’s lips is, of course, the midlife crisis, to which all people are susceptible, regardless of gender (contrary to the widespread stereotype). We understand the myths and reality around this phenomenon and determine how to deal with it.
What scientists say about midlife crisis
According to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the last and highest desire of a person is self-actualization.
This is what we strive for when we set goals, learn new skills, and constantly try to get out of our comfort zone to become better. It is very difficult to satisfy the need for self-actualization, since for this it is necessary to go through all the other stages: provide yourself with a roof over your head and food, surround yourself with close people, achieve a certain status in society - and only after that, when all other needs are more or less satisfied, we can begin to self-actualize. The scientist himself wrote in his book “Towards the Psychology of Being” that less than 1% of the adult population manages to reach this stage. However, many by the age of 35 - the lower threshold of the midlife crisis - feel as if they have already achieved everything in life, and no longer know what to do now, although there are still many years of life ahead and many unrealized opportunities.
However, achieving the last step of the pyramid of needs, in fact, does not have a direct connection with a certain age. There is no definitive research in the domestic and foreign scientific communities regarding the existence of a midlife crisis as a social and psychological phenomenon. The first person to talk about this phenomenon was Carl Jung, who was engaged in psychotherapeutic practice. Observing his patients, he noticed that closer to the middle of life, people often experience a condition that can be called a crisis. It is characterized by a loss of meaning in life and conscious goals, but the understanding that nothing is over is still present.
Usually such a crisis is preceded by a rethinking of values and beliefs, the choice of a new path and, in a sense, rebirth with a certain experience behind one’s back.
Following Jung, the midlife crisis was studied by the American psychologist E. Erikson. The scientist associated this period with the loss of productivity that people feel due to the absence of family or work (or both), as well as due to dissatisfaction in these areas. By the age of 35, this feeling becomes especially acute, and a person is faced with a choice: either continue to do what does not bring pleasure, or rethink everything that came before. Following Erickson, his colleague D. Levinson added that another reason for the midlife crisis is the loss of youth, physiological changes and their external manifestations, which lead to a rethinking of values and outlook on life.
However, no matter how much scientists agree that at a certain age people undergo approximately the same crisis state, this does not mean that a midlife crisis can be considered a confirmed psychological phenomenon, characteristic of every individual without exception. The concept of a cyclical life, in which there is room for both growth and decline in productivity, is applicable to many people, but there is no justified link to a certain age or a clear set of reasons due to which we find ourselves in a crisis situation.
Eternal search
It’s a paradox, but many people understand that life has lost its meaning while... trying to find it. Such cases are not uncommon. Indeed, people who constantly think about the meaning of life are the most unhappy. They actively try to understand their desires, their own character and themselves. And many are not satisfied with the notorious answer to the eternal question, which assures that the meaning lies in happiness.
And then a person tries to find it in esoteric, philosophical and religious teachings, which, of course, do not give a clear answer to this question. Therefore, a person begins to look for it in music, literature, lyrics and even the natural sciences.
And in the overwhelming majority of cases, disappointment comes to him. He seems to have everything he needs for a fulfilling life - a job, close people, friends, a significant other, a good salary. But this no longer makes sense. Because the person was convinced: everything is decay. And slowly but surely he loses interest in everything. Begins to experience headaches, struggles with insomnia, and experiences chronic fatigue. And it’s very difficult to live like this. Trying to get distracted begins. In the best cases, a person is addicted to computer games. At worst, he drowns in alcohol and drugs. The most serious consequence is suicide. In general, real depression.
Still, we all feel it
Despite the fact that domestic and foreign psychologists have not yet agreed on a clear opinion about what a midlife crisis is and whether it exists at all, we all experience this condition, sometimes without even noticing it - as, for example, in the case of prolonged depression , which begins to be perceived more as a norm than a deviation from the usual state.
By what signs can you determine that you are having a so-called midlife crisis?
- Lost motivation in your personal or work life, or in all of them at once.
- The future seems sad, if not tragic.
- You began to devalue the results of your activities, blame yourself for mistakes that you hadn’t thought much about before.
- Your mood changes for no apparent reason.
- The idea of changing interests arose, since the previous ones ceased to bring joy.
- You feel increased concern about your health.
It is important to remember that individual symptoms may indicate a completely different period in your life. For example, lack of motivation is about emotional burnout or depression caused by general overwork and high workload, and not by the need to reconsider one’s values.
How to find the meaning of life
If you suddenly feel that you are lost and cannot decide where to move next, psychologist Oleg Ivanov advises doing the following.
Write down all your experiences on paper
This way you can understand what exactly is bothering you. For example, an unstable financial situation, difficulties in relationships with a partner or relatives are alarming. You will understand which area of life needs more attention.
Try to find your priorities
Determine the most important points for your current state and focus on them.
Oleg Ivanov
Psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolving Social Conflicts.
Start small, don't try to move mountains right away. Achieve small goals every day. No matter what you do, record the results and specific steps.
Try to understand what activities bring you pleasure
And also where you yourself can be useful. Many people find themselves precisely when they help someone else. Even a small participation in the lives of others and volunteer activities provide an incentive for self-development.
Take a closer look at your surroundings
Perhaps there are toxic people next to you, communication with whom creates a feeling of lack of meaning in life. They can lower your self-esteem, impose their opinions, and sow doubts. Try to avoid such people, communicate with those who are ready to support you.
Do not be nervous
It is normal to experience an identity crisis, regardless of age or personal achievements. Sooner or later you may come to the realization that you have already achieved everything, or would like to try something new. The main thing is to figure out where this feeling came from. Try to describe what exactly doesn’t suit you in your current life and how you can fix it. It is not necessary to immediately start changing your life and run out to buy a motorcycle: it is enough to set the vector for positive thinking, showing yourself that you can overcome any difficulties.
Winning combinations
You have completed 4 circles - the main thing is done. When the circles intersect in pairs in their content, it sheds light on your passions, mission, profession and calling. If you have 3 “hits” out of 4 , this will allow you to understand what is missing in your life to complete happiness.
Look carefully at the completed diagram. Often the red thread running through all the answers can be seen quite clearly, like evidence or revelation. But sometimes you can’t see it right away. In this case, sorting, clarifying and summarizing will help you.
- Sorting. If you write down too many answers in Ikigai circles, you will find it difficult to focus on what is important. Once again, arrange them in order of importance or divide them into semantic groups.
- Still not clear? Perhaps you were not specific enough in your answers (in which case they need to be clarified ) or, conversely, too precise (in which case they should be generalized ).
Let’s say in the “What I love” circle you wrote “Going to the pool.” And you don't understand how to connect this activity with the needs of the world and how it can help you make a living. Then you either decide to give up on this answer and ignore it as too particular and unimportant, or you feel that this activity is still important to you, that it brings you into a state of flow and that this idea deserves further development.
In this case, try to unwind the ball and look for the reasons. “Why do I like going to the pool?” - “Because I like to play sports in the fresh air.” - “Why do I like to play sports?” - “Because I like to overcome myself.” - “Why in the fresh air?” “Because it connects me with nature and reminds me of vacation.”
It is quite possible that this will lead to nothing. Yes, you love to swim, but this should not be seen as the missing link in the search for ikigai. But there is also a possibility that all this may turn out to be very important for you and guide you in the right direction, because it is possible that you were born to be a swimming coach!
In general, you get the idea. Try to understand everything and don’t be lazy to dig deeper: in such disputes and dialogues (with yourself or with other people) the truth is born.
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Whole life ahead
If you understand that half of your life is behind you, and some dreams remain dreams, do not despair - you still have time to realize them. The only obstacle that may appear on your way is self-doubt and internal barriers, which, as a rule, are associated with certain fears and stereotypes. Think: what is stopping you from starting to do what you like right now? Make a list of limiting reasons for yourself and evaluate how much they depend on your decision.
Forget everything
This is another effective method. He is able to help. Anyone - be it a man drowning in depression, or a woman who has lost the meaning in life. The psychologist's advice is as follows: you need to sweep away the past. Forget him. Throw it out of your memory forever. The past often pulls a person down, like a stone to the bottom of a river, tied to the foot of a drowned man.
We need to burn all bridges. Break contacts with unpleasant people with whom the person was forced to communicate. Quit the job you hate. Was your boss oppressive? So you can finally express to his eyes everything that has accumulated in your soul. Divorce your legitimate “other half”, with whom there is no longer any chance of establishing a life. Move from a boring and hated city to another place. In general, we are talking about the beginning of a truly new life. The one that everyone loves to talk about today.
And here’s the most important thing: with every action a person performs, he must pass through himself the awareness that he is becoming a new person. Not who he was. You can even consolidate this with visualization - change your appearance (haircut, hair and contact lens color, image, tan, etc.). All this may not be taken seriously by some. But, again, it only seems so from the outside. After doing all of the above, a person will look around, look at himself in the mirror, and understand that he is already different. And he has no right to return to his old life.
Form habits and rituals
You've probably noticed that if you don't brush your teeth in the morning, you'll most likely feel bad throughout the day. And the point is not about hygiene, but about the fact that the usual ritual was disrupted. The brain, repeating the same actions, gets used to a certain behavior, and if you go out of rhythm somewhere, you thereby disrupt stability and the brain begins to get nervous. Therefore, if you feel in a state of uncertainty and unpredictability, deliberately “drive” yourself into the system by forming new [useful habits (https://theoryandpractice.ru/posts/16486-povtor-poleznykh-deystviy-kak-nauchitsya-formirovat-privychki ).
Break
When thoughts like “What am I doing?” begin to appear in a person’s head. and “What am I doing with my life?”, it’s time to pause. Preferably long term. In order not to completely wallow in despondency and not fall into real depression, you need to urgently take a vacation, rent a house by the lake or in the forest and go there. A sharp change in the situation and unity with nature saved a considerable number of people.
What after? Then you will need to give yourself answers to the notorious questions “What am I doing?” and “What am I doing with my life?” Realize what exactly causes discomfort. Why exactly is there dissatisfaction and when did these questions actually arise? And then - find solutions to problems. Maybe find a new meaning in life. As a rule, people who take a break in time and deal with the oppression that has begun to accumulate do not reach the edge and do not fall into deep depression.
By the way, a break is not complete without planning the near future and setting goals. They, like the meaning of life, should be in every normal person who wants to be an accomplished person. Goals do not have to be global (buy a villa in Spain, switch from a Lada to a Mercedes, start an investment business, etc.). They must be feasible. And the kind for which I would like to wake up in the morning. It is desirable that the goals be long-term. Three is enough. It’s better to write them down in the notorious diary. It might look like this: “Goal No. 1: save up for a year to vacation in Greece. #2: Do 5 minutes of exercise every morning. No. 3: improve English to a conversational level.” Goals should motivate and set you up for positive life changes. This is the main principle of their production.
