Why doesn't the ex-husband want to communicate with his ex-wife and children? Is it possible to improve relations with your ex-husband, and is it worth doing it at all?
Let's try to answer questions that are relevant to many people in more detail.
Do you need communication with your ex-husband?
My first husband and I remain good friends and there is no reason why I shouldn't see him.
Vivien Leigh
- 1. Breakup
- 2. Why doesn’t the ex-husband want to communicate and leaves the family?
- 3.Burnt bridges
- 4.Video: How to communicate with an ex-man
- 5. “Former” dad
- 6. Responsibility for actions
- 7.Conclusion
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A break up
Quite rarely, divorce occurs in a civilized environment, without reproaches, tears or scandals.
In addition, not every person is able to calmly accept sudden changes in their personal life. Resentment, pain, fear of the future - these are a small part of the emotions that a woman experiences during a divorce. But, paradoxically, some ladies try to maintain friendly relations with their ex-husband. Why doesn't he want to see me? This question keeps even the most persistent women up at night.
In some cases, calm communication between people is not only possible, but also necessary. For example, if they intersect at work or have children together. In other situations, “exes” choose not to meet again because they don’t see any point in it.
The examples we described have a positive outcome, since the ex-spouses were able to come to an agreement and feel calm. However, there are cases when a woman wants to continue communication, and the man does his best to prevent her intentions.
If you are interested in the question of why your ex-husband does not want to communicate, then you should immediately understand yourself.
Why does my husband avoid heart-to-heart communication?
Hello! Victoria Vlasova is with you, an expert on family relationships.
Today you will learn: Why most men avoid heart-to-heart communication and how you should behave in such situations.
I will explore this topic using the example of Valentina’s story. If you haven’t read Valya’s story first, I recommend reading it very informatively – How did Valentina bring her husband home? Real story!
Valentina says: “One of the problems in our relationship, I think, is that we cannot communicate or discuss a problem normally. On my part, it turns out that I go ahead, because I am open and speak as I think, but my husband does not want to discuss anything, my questions, or rather interrogations (as he said) bother him and depress him.
He doesn't like it when people talk too much. And he often shut my mouth: “Shut up!” shouted. I was offended, closed myself off, then started pestering him again. And then, sometimes the husband said: “Yes, I know that I’m so difficult, I don’t know how to talk, but I’ve always been like this, I don’t know how to build relationships.”
And another time, he says: “Well, I’m simple.” So understand it, whether it is complex or simple! And so all the time, it all depends on the mood. I’ll start talking heart to heart, and he: “Leave me alone, I’m tired of it already, don’t get into my soul.” Our problem is that we are too different and do not understand each other at all.
Why does my ex-husband not want to communicate and leaves the family?
You can talk for hours about the problems and psychological disorders that influenced the breakup.
But the problem is always the same: both parties are always to blame for a breakup. Often, you marry one person and end up with someone completely different. Everyone is consumed by routine, no one wants to work on relationships, talk about problems, hoping that they will be solved on their own. The woman thinks that my husband will not leave me because I gave birth to his child. But children have never kept and will never keep a man in marriage.
The consequences of breaking such a relationship between a man and a woman:
- After leaving the family, a man does not communicate with his ex-wife, but maintains contact with the child, for example through his parents. Thus, the man avoids responsibility to his ex-wife. He is afraid to look her in the eyes, admit his mistakes, talk about new relationships, and so on.
- When leaving, the man stops maintaining contact with his children and ex-wife. Such problems are very often dealt with in court, since leaving the family does not relieve a man of responsibility for children. He is obliged to support and educate them.
Women's mistakes in behavior as a reason for indifference
Often the reason for a man’s cold attitude towards a girl lies in her behavior. She herself pushes her partner away, although, as she herself believes, she does nothing wrong. Here's what scares guys off in women's behavior:
- You constantly demonstrate that you are dependent on the man you love. This is not how you do things in mature relationships. A man is a hunter by nature. When the “prey” is ready to fall into his hands, he loses interest.
- You are showing that you are taking things too seriously. Guys are often in no hurry to propose or move on to a serious stage in the relationship. Even if he likes a girl, a young man may not be ready to change his life right away; just the thought of it can frighten him.
- You are overly emotional, often provoke conflicts, throw tantrums. Men usually want peace in relationships. They try to protect themselves from aggression from their loved one and begin to demonstrate indifference.
- You don't do anything to "spice up" a long-term relationship. Not every guy is ready to take responsibility for an affair that has become a routine. Men want drive, games, and if their partner doesn’t give it, coldness creeps into the relationship.
It is not always the girl herself who is to blame for an indifferent attitude on the part of a guy. Perhaps he is too busy solving the problems facing him, and there is no time for love yet. Try to talk unobtrusively and find out what's going on.
Burnt Bridges
Divorce happens for many reasons.
In some families it is caused by infidelity, in others by money issues, in others by alcohol, and so on. So why do you want to continue communicating with a person who did not value you and your feelings? Perhaps you voice the following reasons to others:
- High relationships
- you believe that civilized people should save face even after a breakup. Then remember that such an outcome is only possible if both partners have the same intentions. If a man has no thoughts about further cooperation, then his opinion should be respected. - The desire to take care of your ex-husband
- you think that he needs your help, since he is completely helpless in the face of everyday difficulties. In such cases, the behavior of the ex-husband is understandable - he is trying to protect himself from the control of a woman who is completely alien to him. - Beneficial friendship
- you are sure that a good relationship can bring you some bonuses over time. For example, solve financial difficulties or advance your career. If your intentions are obvious to your ex-husband, he may feel that he is being used. Don't be surprised if he immediately disappears from sight and stops answering calls. - Household issues
– does your home constantly have accidents or is it in need of minor repairs? When a handyman lives nearby for many years in a row, a woman gets used to not noticing current problems. Therefore, out of habit, she turns to her ex-husband for help. If your ex-spouse has a new passion, then he is unlikely to care about your problems. To avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary insults, it is better to call a paid specialist from the relevant organization to your home.
Do not forget that a man can avoid communicating with his ex-wife if she seeks to get him back and comes up with new ways of manipulation. In this case, he tries to minimize communication and break all ties in one fell swoop.
Should I try to establish communication with my ex-spouse? Psychologist's advice
So, the divorce is over. But, at the same time, you have children, a common business that cannot be divided even if you wish. How to behave in such a situation? Advice from professional psychologists will help you maintain, if not good, then neutral relationships after a breakup.
Time-out
“Amicable” divorce is very rare. Unfortunately, usually one cannot do without breaking dishes, constant scandals, mutual accusations, attempts to win children over to one’s side and other “charms” of this difficult period.
The first desire in such a situation is to never meet the one who became the ex again. Sooner or later, passions will undoubtedly subside, but at first it is better not to force yourself.
If you don't want to meet, you don't need to. Emotional recovery also takes time. This way, you take a kind of time out to take the next steps, consciously and intelligently, without unnecessary emotions. This is especially true for families with children. One way or another, communication between spouses will continue.
Where to start communication?
From a constructive conversation.
Practice shows that this is the most difficult moment. The resentment still makes itself felt, and the attempt at civilized communication ends in nothing. Virtual conversations help: messaging via email, Skype or ICQ .
You cannot throw accusations in the face of your opponent; you have the opportunity not just to write a text, but to think about it and, if necessary, edit it.
The most unpleasant information in text form looks more restrained. Only after you are mentally ready to move on to “real” communication, arrange a meeting.
Relationships are neutral-business
According to psychologists, this is the best option for ex-spouses. Don't try to establish "friendship", you have other tasks.
Much more reasonable is the format of “peaceful coexistence”, in which the child will be at least relatively comfortable . Leave in the past all the good and bad that happened between you. Divorce does not mean that a child should be deprived of one of his parents and other relatives.
Look at the situation in such a way that the “ex” is your business partner, who for some reason “framed” you. You haven’t stopped collaborating, so you need to abstract yourself from the past. Naturally, having drawn conclusions.
You cannot manipulate a child!
Under no circumstances should you turn a child into an instrument of revenge or turn him against the “ex” and his relatives. Divorce of parents is already a great stress for a child, and there is no need to aggravate a situation that is already difficult.
It is best to try to explain that it was the parents who had the problems, and the attitude towards the baby on neither side has changed in any way.
"Ex" dad
It’s sad to look at families where children become hostages of their squabbling parents.
They hide behind their name, solving personal problems, and extort money or attention from each other. The question of why my ex-husband stopped communicating with me fades into the background. But still, think about how this behavior affects the youngest members of the family and whether it is worth continuing the war, requiring the husband to regularly communicate with his daughter or son. So, what reasons might a dad have for stopping meeting with his children:
- Feelings of guilt
- insecure men are often ashamed of their unpleasant actions and prefer to see their child as little as possible after a divorce. This problem can be solved if you call your partner for a frank conversation and convince him that separation cannot become an obstacle to the love of a father with his son or daughter. - Transferring a bad relationship from an ex-wife to a child
is a rather difficult problem to solve, and therefore a lot of effort will have to be made to restore friendly relations. - New family
- if a new girlfriend demands that a man stop communicating with the child, then there is nothing you can do. The only one who can influence the situation is your “ex”. - The desire to start life over with a new leaf
- a professional psychologist who specializes in working with families can help in this situation. However, if the child’s father does not agree to make contact, then you are unlikely to be able to change the situation.
Communication with a son or daughter is very important for an adequate person, even if he does not yet realize it.
Subsequently, he will highly appreciate your tact, restraint and invaluable assistance in this delicate matter. If a man does not respond to all attempts to establish his connection with the children, then back down. Try to survive this situation and do not involve your child in its solution.
Children perfectly sense their mother’s mood, and it depends only on her how they will perceive the current state of affairs. Therefore, you should not discuss the negative qualities of the father in front of the child, complain about his indifference and feel sorry for yourself.
Most marital friction arises from the wife talking too much and the husband listening too little. Kurt Goetz
Ways to attract a man's attention
What to do if a nice guy starts acting cold and distant towards you? To understand why a man suddenly ignores the woman he likes and choose the right tactics, calm down.
This will help you understand the reason for his actions, and then develop the right strategy of behavior:
- Perhaps the man is not in love with you at all, and you have not understood his attitude. This may be in a situation where the guy has a girlfriend, or his feelings have cooled down. Just suck it up and turn your attention to something else. Visit interesting places, meet new people. Even if he is dear to you, back off. Let the communication between you be unobtrusive and without hints of something more.
- If ignorance and indifference on the part of a man are due to the fact that he is afraid of rejection, take a step forward. Let your loved one see that there is no need to be afraid, because you like him too.
- If a man has become indifferent because he has lost interest in you, do not respond in kind and do not try to demonstratively ask about feelings. In this situation, it is better to communicate on a friendly note.
- If a young man is trying to win you over by ignoring you, think about whether you really need him. For him now you are a “pawn” to whom he applies pickup methods and tries to provoke a certain behavior. That's why you shouldn't constantly look for meetings and call a guy. Better show composure too. Most likely, the man will give up and show the true motives of his behavior.
- There are situations when a guy is in no hurry to start new romances because of painful relationships in the past. If he can't come to his senses after being rejected by his ex, gently talk about his feelings. Tell him that you are not indifferent to him and do not intend to hurt him.
Responsibility for actions
Men who avoid responsibility either have problems with alcohol and drugs, or have new relationships in which the woman forbids the man to fulfill his fatherly duty and see his son and daughter.
In such cases, the right option for the wife would be to file a lawsuit and generally prohibit the man from seeing his son. Very often this technique works and men return to the family, realizing what they had and almost lost. All situations that arise in the family should not be kept silent. Be sure to talk through problems and look for solutions together. It is worth remembering that relationships are hard work on both sides. Be friends and lovers. Be interested in each other's hobbies and passions. Do not hesitate to contact family psychologists. Psychological practice shows that 80% of couples who turned to professional help avoided divorce.
A man’s behavior after a breakup: some patterns
Psychologists say that every man behaves differently after a breakup, however, there are several behavioral cliches that are characteristic of many representatives of the stronger half. They depend on who initiated the break.
The girl most often puts an end to the relationship. And not a single man who has been told that he is no longer loved will be able to accept this news calmly.
Sometimes, after breaking up with a girl, a man begins to look for meetings with her, trying to persuade her to return, sometimes even threatening to commit suicide if she does not do this. Most likely, these threats are just a game, so psychologists advise not to pay attention to them. Unfortunately, a suicide with serious intentions never warns others about his desire to commit suicide.
Contrary to popular female opinion, even strong-willed representatives of the stronger half with an iron character suffer greatly after the departure of their beloved girl. To numb the mental pain, they can do the following:
- Go on a binge. This behavior is especially typical for the most vulnerable men who do not want to show their true feelings to other people and prefer to drown their grief with wine all alone. There have been cases when long drinking bouts over a breakup with a girl led to serious troubles in a man’s life. However, as a rule, after several days of drinking, the abandoned man begins to slowly come to his senses and return to normal life.
- Immerse yourself in work. Often it is a break with the woman he loves that turns a man into a workaholic. He begins to devote 18 hours a day to work and does not even make casual connections, avoiding women. Immersion in work helps a man after a breakup not only to be distracted from thoughts about his ex-lover, but also to realize himself as a professional, thereby increasing his self-esteem.
- Do extreme sports. Mountaineering, parachuting, hang gliding or even fighting without rules - the choice of a particular sport depends on the temperament and courage of the man himself.
- Change sexual partners frequently. To prove to himself and his ex-girlfriend his own importance, a deserted man often turns into a real ladies' man, spending every night with a new partner.
- Start a new relationship. According to statistics, more than 50% of men are not ready to create new unions immediately after a breakup. For about a year after breaking up with their partner, they remain independent. But there are also representatives of the stronger half who can survive the pain of losing their beloved woman only next to another caring partner.
However, men often start new relationships immediately after previous ones in cases where the breakup occurred on their initiative. After all, men, as a rule, leave their partners only for the sake of a new passion.
Thus, the guy will try to justify the baseness of his action.
In cases where the breakup occurs by mutual consent, friendly relations can remain between the partners.
Men often become attached to their partners and continue to communicate with them out of habit even after the feelings fade away. Psychologists say: if a man calls his ex-passion after a breakup, he is not necessarily still in love with her.
Although it is quite difficult to guess the feelings of representatives of the stronger half. After all, sometimes they themselves become entangled in them. And this is one of the most common reasons why men return after a breakup.
How to react?
Having understood the reasons for ignoring a partner and having analyzed the future prospects of a relationship with him, each person makes a definite decision .
It is advisable to fight ignorance only if the object of manipulation not only sincerely wants to renew the relationship, but is also ready to deal with similar manifestations in the future.
When a relationship seems naturally completed, trying to establish contact is a futile exercise. Objective reasons for separation are unlikely to disappear, but they will not cease to regularly cause discomfort in the future.
