How to improve relationships with an adult daughter: advice from a psychologist

Conflicts between parents and daughter can arise at every stage of her growing up and becoming a mature person. Some of them are resolved quickly, others last for years, gradually poisoning the relationship between father and mother and their beloved child. Psychologists are convinced that the longer a problem drags on, the greater the chance that it will never be solved. After all, quarrels tend to acquire new details, mutual reproaches and understatement, like a snow globe. How can we overcome this disappointing pattern? You will learn about this from this article.

Letting go of a child is harder than going through bankruptcy

Perhaps I’m being a little dramatic out of fatigue - the last two years have been quite difficult in terms of earning money for tutors.
But is this why we have so few real adults who are capable of building harmonious relationships and taking responsibility for their own well-being? Is it because we, adults, have not ourselves experienced separation from our parents? Maybe that’s why it’s difficult for us to let go of our children, to trust them with their lives - because in our experience there was no moment when ours was given to us? And we subconsciously strive to influence, hold, preserve - even if we mentally understand that we cannot - because we ourselves are consumed by the fear of uncertainty? And this is double uncertainty: “how will my child cope with life” and “how will I myself cope with life, which will now be built only around me”?

I went through bankruptcy, changed career trajectories several times, closed several projects that were my life’s work, but none of this compares with the risk of uncertainty when releasing a child into an independent adult life.

Yes, I understand that my functions do not end there - I am still moral and financial support. And we will definitely be friends with my daughter, I love her and will be by her side. And yes, I understand that this is a phase, it will end, we will adapt, and I will find my meaning. For this, I have a psychotherapist, antidepressants, and an infrastructure of support and self-care: girlfriends, sports, vacations, massages, spiritual practices.

The most painful thing for me in this separation period is to face my feelings, which I seemed to have hidden all these years, moving towards the goal with strong-willed super-efforts and investing in the meaning of “being a good mother.” Perhaps this is not the case for everyone, and some people know how to live in harmony with themselves, building a family system taking into account their interests. But for me, honestly letting a teenager live his life turned out to be a very difficult task. And yes, I took all my difficulties to therapy, because I really want to live the second half of my life (well, or how long I will be given there) as a happy and fulfilled person.

I’ve been living alone for a month and a half, and three days ago I went on vacation to the sea. Looking at the raging waves rolling towards my feet, I finally formulated the meaning that I can counteract the fear of uncertainty that paralyzes me. This meaning is love. Love for yourself, for life, for the world. I want to understand how it is and learn to live from it.

Let's see how I do. It will probably take a lot of time and effort - exactly as much as it takes to become completely adult and independent. It's funny that this coincided with the period when my own child began to live independently. And it’s great that this was formulated as a meaning at all. This gives hope.

Comment from my daughter. In fact, we went together in search of new meaning. In our lives, we often coincided when we explored the same thing. And this immersion into a new level of awareness is also our new common stage.

Relationship between mother and teenage daughter

Adolescence is a difficult period in the life of parents and children. Dealing with emotions can sometimes seem like an overwhelming task. How should a mother behave so as not to lose trust and authority in her daughter’s eyes?

Mother and adult daughter. The psychology of the relationship between them can be quite complex.

Unconditional love

A little girl should know and understand from an early age that she is loved by everyone and always . Very often, parents who overprotect their daughter end up with a completely uncontrollable child in adolescence.

And, on the contrary, in families with strict morals, girls grew up with a victim complex, confident that self-love must be earned. In adulthood, it is not easy for such women to find a worthy man, since the understanding of unconditional love is alien to them.

Full communication

Due to their busy lives, not all parents are able to devote all their time to their child. During adolescence, a daughter, deprived of parental attention, is unlikely to share the details of her “adult” life.

In order to keep abreast of all the events in the midst of which the child revolves, the mother must communicate with him more often. Warm conversations in the kitchen over a cup of tea about how your day went should become a family tradition.

It is important to understand! The main goal of such communication for a mother should not be to find out all the secrets and impose her opinion on her daughter. You need to learn to listen and hear your child.

also important that both parties participate in the dialogue . The conversation should not be based only on questions and advice addressed to the daughter. Sometimes it is useful for a mother to share with her daughter her problematic situations, the solution of which seems difficult. The advice that a young daughter can give, looking at the problem from the outside, can pleasantly surprise.

General traditions

Even before the onset of a “difficult age,” you need to take care of creating common traditions between mother and daughter . Perhaps it will be preparing a family dinner on a weekend, a trip out of town, a trip to a cafe or a beauty salon. The main thing is that these traditions belong only to mother and daughter and are not violated under any pretext.

Thrift

It is quite difficult to involve a teenager in doing household chores, because it is much more interesting to spend time with friends than to wash dishes and clean. Therefore, it is important to instill these skills in a girl from childhood. Let him learn to tidy his room from early childhood.

Cooking food

It can also be an interesting activity if, for example, its implementation is of a competitive nature. The competition “who has the best food” will be useful for all family members : both mother and daughter will spend time together, and dad is happy. You can bake a cake or cookies together and invite your daughter’s friends to a tea party.

Manifestation of individuality

The mother’s task is to develop her daughter’s individuality without imposing her ideals on her. Often parents strive to realize personal goals and ambitions. The main goal is to direct the child in the right direction, without breaking innate individual traits and without encroaching on the daughter’s personal interests .

This does not mean that you need to keep your opinion to yourself. It is necessary to warn the growing daughter against possible risks. But this must be done extremely delicately.

Friends and acquaintances

It’s quite natural that the parents don’t really like their daughter’s new friends. But limiting this communication means that the mother will soon fall out of the circle of trust. The best thing a loving parent can do is try to establish communication with her daughter’s new acquaintances .

In most cases, it turns out that these people do not pose any threat to the child. Otherwise, you must contact the relevant authorities.

This model of behavior is recommended for parents regarding their daughter’s communication with her chosen one, who, as a rule, is perceived as an enemy of the people.

Kindness and mercy

A common situation: a child brings home a small animal, offended by fate, and stumbles upon a wall of misunderstanding on the part of the parents. If you encourage your daughter to care for her neighbor from childhood, then there is no doubt that she will grow into an adult woman with a big, kind heart.

Difficult relationship between an adult daughter and mother. Psychology

A mother and an adult daughter can be in either a perfectly harmonious relationship or an openly hostile one, but these relationships are almost never neutral. The mother perceives her daughter as an extension of herself , and if she always criticizes her daughter, then this, as a rule, symbolizes the mother’s dissatisfaction with herself.

The same applies to the reverse situation. If an adult daughter constantly reproaches her mother for something, then this is most likely an indicator of failure in life. It’s easier to blame than to take on the full burden of responsibility. Typically, this behavior is characteristic of immature individuals.

Psychologists distinguish 3 stages of a daughter’s relationship with her mother:

be near;
let me go;
leave me alone.

Typical mistakes in relationships:

The desire to raise a daughter to be a personality that matches the mother’s ideals. Most often it looks like this: the mother forcibly forces the child to do something that could have become the mother’s life’s work, but this was not destined to happen. Due to internal conflict, scandals begin. The daughter strives to defend her right to individual needs, while the mother “wants the best.” There is the opposite situation, when the mother’s opinion is so dominant that it is perceived as the only correct one. The daughter tries to live up to expectations and suppresses her desires and needs. Hidden neurosis is a diagnosis that a girl will come to sooner or later.
Instilling a feeling of guilt due to an unpaid debt to the mother. There is a type of mother who is completely trying to impose on the child the idea that he is in an unpaid debt to them. It doesn't matter what situation preceded it. Most likely, the mother is trying to make up for the lack of communication, attention from men, or lack of fulfillment in the professional sphere. Therefore, the daughter should always be nearby, otherwise she is considered an ungrateful selfish person. As a result, the daughter can accept one of the models of behavior: either she is indignant and demands the right to personal space, or she becomes hostage to guilt and devotes herself entirely to her mother.
Reluctance to let go of daughter. The mother is sincerely perplexed how her daughter could exchange the priceless minutes spent with her mother for her boyfriend. The situation does not change even after the daughter’s marriage. In this case, the idea is imposed that it is better to live together under one roof as a large family. Needless to say, the result of such a merger is unlikely to be positive.
Dissatisfaction with my daughter's choice. A mother, like any woman, has her own ideas about an ideal man, and her daughter’s chosen one must certainly correspond to this image. Even if it doesn’t exist in nature. If the daughter’s man does not meet these criteria, the mother begins to suggest in every possible way and “prove” that she made the wrong choice. Thus, the mother (often unknowingly) seeks a divorce for her daughter. However, her daughter’s new life partner also does not meet her mother’s expectations. The circle closes. When the conflict situation does not find a resolution, the daughter withdraws so much that she suppresses any attempts by the mother to find out about her family life.

In the opposite case, when the daughter blindly follows her mother's instructions, the mother begins to demand that the daughter think about marriage. At the same time, potential applicants are also selected by the mother. The daughter can either accept this or stop her mother’s attempts to participate in this process.

These and other situations haunt the now mature daughter, having a powerful impact on her life and worldview. In addition, such an attitude creates discord in the relationship between the two closest people.

When communication comes down to the mother reproaching or imposing her point of view through moralizing, it becomes impossible.

And here there are several ways for the daughter to solve the situation:

Step back. If communication becomes unbearable and usually ends in a showdown with scandals, then it would be better for both parties to limit communication to such an extent that it ceases to be destructive. This is not as easy to do as it might seem at first glance. The situation becomes more complicated if both women live under the same roof. In this case, it is better to think about separating. Even if it turns out to be inconvenient. For an adult daughter, you need to define the boundaries of communication and learn to say the word “no.” It is important to understand that in this way she does not pursue the goal of causing moral damage to her own mother, but makes it clear that she has the right to her own opinion, even if it contradicts the opinion of her mother. At first, the mother will appeal to the conscience of her adult “ungrateful” daughter, but over time this will become the norm.
Find common ground. Women who have lived together for many years and who know each other well cannot but have common interests. For some, a shopping trip is suitable, for others it is better to go to the theater or cinema together. A situation where both feel at ease, arriving together on neutral territory, in a good mood, is unlikely to end in a scandal in the end.
Constructive dialogue. Sometimes, to resolve a seemingly hopeless situation, it’s enough just to have a heart-to-heart talk. Many women may have already tried to establish communication with their mother in this way. However, these attempts were suppressed by the mother due to the fact that it was perceived as an attempt to reproach the parent for something. If you start the conversation with the fact that the daughter loves her mother and understands her experiences, but some of her actions offend her, then this will give an impetus to the mother listening and accepting her daughter’s position.

Also, if previous attempts were unsuccessful, then perhaps the mother was simply not ready for such a conversation at that time . Perhaps what was said by her child caused pain and made her think about her mistakes. There is no need to put pressure on her.

In the end, the problem must be solved by the one who feels the full burden of it. Perhaps some action of the mother, which still haunts her daughter, was justified by the fact that at that moment she simply could not do otherwise. You need to accept your mother as she is and you shouldn’t try to change her.

Adult children: accept them as they grew up

If we try to change our relationship with a child when the latter is already an adult, sometimes with his own family, then the situation is even more complicated, and the prognosis is less optimistic. I wouldn’t count on changing the personal characteristics of an already mature young man. This is most likely the work of a psychologist, designed for several years.

But it is possible to change the relationship - to become closer and restore contact. We all, at any age, need the flow of love and trust that comes from our parents. This flow cannot always be felt, much less described. But when we lose our parents, we understand that the flow has been interrupted and we are orphaned. This pain and emptiness is familiar to everyone whose parents have already passed on to the other world. They are familiar to me too.

Rebuilding relationships with adult children is more difficult than with teenagers. Grown-up sons and daughters have already learned to live in isolation, with a feeling of abandonment by those closest to them. They have learned to hide the pain in the depths of their hearts and do not want to disturb it again. They are often afraid of close emotional relationships with others because they do not want to again experience the bitterness of resentment and rejection.

In this situation, it is difficult to quickly establish contact. Most likely, you will have to start accepting your adult child the way he turned out. Without trying to fix anything. And through acceptance you can restore the flow that dried up at some point.

Thus, restoring relationships with a child and improving them is possible at any age. But no matter when you start doing it, it won’t be easy or quick. Relationships are a big spiritual work that requires changes from us, parents. It requires overcoming learned and reinforced stereotypes in parental behavior. Willingness to sacrifice your position and expectations in favor of harmonizing the lives of your children and your own.

Mother doesn't love daughter

There are so many girls around who are insecure, not feminine, and don’t value themselves. The reason for this is maternal dislike. Girls who experience a lack of attention from their parents are different from others from childhood. They have no friends, they are modest, dressed sloppily and do not know how to communicate. It’s a pity for such girls, because the older they become, the harder it is for them to live. More often this happens in single-parent families, with parents of alcoholics and drug addiction. But there are also rich, successful mothers who don’t care about their children.

How to determine that a mother does not love her daughter:

coldness from the mother;
indifference in the child’s personal life;
abuse and assault;
nurturing a sense of duty to the mother.

The absence of maternal instinct cannot be corrected. If such a relationship is a burden for you, then you should break it off. Psychologists agree that it is impossible to re-educate a mother and better accept her for who she is. But tolerating cruelty is not an option. If there is no one to protect you, then contact the police or guardianship authorities or wait until you reach adulthood to build your own life.

The situation when a mother hates her daughter leads to consequences:

child's isolation;
lack of self-confidence;
inability to be feminine;
ignorance of one's purpose;
reluctance to have children of their own.

Children who have escaped from a difficult situation need the help of a psychologist. They will set priorities, give advice on how to cope with uncertainty, feel like a full-fledged person and find a path in life.

What exactly to do to resolve conflicts with teenagers

In moments when it’s really hard, take a pen and sheets of paper, go alone and write out all the rage and indignation without embellishment and obscenely, if necessary.

Then read what you have written as many times as necessary so that the text does not evoke any more emotions in you and you read it like a newspaper article. Writing it out helps to unload the negative “thought stirrer” from the head and significantly relieves the intensity of passions.

Later, it would be good to write down with the same diligence everything for which you are grateful to your child, everything good that you learned thanks to him.

But all this is still secondary

The most important and basic thing is to love the child as he is now, without trying to make him easy and comfortable. Because as long as you make efforts to “smooth” him, to bring him “in proper form”, he will resist

But self-love, accepting yourself in any manifestation and allowing yourself to BE, will give rise to exactly the same attitude towards your beloved being, who is not yet an adult, but no longer a baby.

Love will carry you both through this difficult period of formation, the period of preparation of a teenager to bloom like a magical flower, and will preserve your invisible connection with each other, multiplying and strengthening it, taking it to a whole new level.

You can establish a relationship with a teenager very quickly and simply by following the simple practices from my video. The results will amaze you in the coming days!

Just go to another page of the site and practice right now, don’t delay!

Friends, if you liked this article, share it on social networks. This is your greatest gratitude. Your reposts let me know that you are interested in my articles and my thoughts. That they are useful to you and that I am inspired to write and explore new topics.

How to accept that you and your teenager have different interests

No, the teenager did not torment me with hysterics and insistence on his point of view. We quite peacefully entered the stage when my daughter won her right to feelings: at the age of 12-13, I suddenly stopped being a container and a help for her anger or resentment. It was a noticeable change, but we figured out how our areas of responsibility had changed. Now, with her emotional stories about failures, I no longer needed to suggest behavior patterns in certain situations - now I just had to listen and not react without a request. This was the first tangible separation step.

The second step came when she started asking for time off for sleepovers and—oh my God—football. I always avoided the fans and considered this contingent dangerous, but my daughter suddenly expressed a desire to be in the epicenter of this inadequacy. But remembering how, as a teenager, I interacted with boys whose behavior was on the verge of the law, I thought that I should trust the values that I had invested in her. The football matches went off without complications, and then interest cooled.

One of the difficult steps in separation, it seems to me, is recognizing the child’s right to interests that you do not share. This, of course, is paradoxical, because we all understand that we raise children so that they become adults, separate, independent individuals. But at the same time, it is very difficult for us to accept that they may be interested in something that we, parents, consider uninteresting for ourselves. And if, God forbid, devaluation turns on, contact with the child at that moment is under threat.

This was the case, for example, with online games (I never understood what could be useful about them). My daughter played them for about a year, at night, communicating with the team on Skype, and I tried to find positive aspects in it - and I did. This turned out to be excellent training in project activities and teamwork. By this point, I had already given her responsibility for her schedule and school work, so I wasn't worried about anything going wrong in the process. She just asked me not to scream loudly at night, because the one-room apartment is not conducive to both violent expression of feelings and normal sleep.

By the way, the period of passion for computer games took a little less than a school year, and then the daughter, in her words, “wanted to live in the real world,” and her next hobby was reading books and archery.

Why did the relationship with my adult daughter go downhill?

Is your girl completely out of control: she doesn’t call, doesn’t write, and has forgotten the way to her parents’ house? The reasons may be different:

Something went wrong. The state exam was not passed, the groom ran away from the registry office. It turns out that mom is to blame. She recommended the wrong university and failed to please a frivolous young man with serious intentions. You need to find the enemy “by the teeth”, on whom anger and resentment spill out. From the standpoint of the psychology of the relationship between an adult daughter and mother, the closest person is perfect for this role: he is always there, takes what is happening to heart, and is highly suggestible. Revenge pleases the pride of a grown-up child: the imaginary offender has suffered a well-deserved punishment.
Violation of personal space boundaries. A grown-up child is an independent, integral personality. Her inner world is wide open to her close friends and boyfriend. But not for you if there is no such need. Obsessive attempts to get under the shell will be brutally suppressed: “Don’t get into my soul,” “This doesn’t concern you,” “I’ll figure it out myself, this is my life.”
The fall of idols. Parents have no right to make mistakes in their personal lives. Divorce, alcoholism, job loss - the daughter will not forgive the debunking of her childhood ideal. If she has always imitated you, then it will be difficult for her to come to terms with the loss of the king in her head.
Envy. Nature rests on children. Women with model appearance often give birth to daughters with the most ordinary external characteristics. In the psychology of relationships between mother and adult daughter, the phenomenon of healthy competition is unknown. By the age of twenty, the young failed beauty queen notices the admiring glances of men that are not directed at her. It’s impossible to envy silently: “It’s time to dress more modestly. Not a young girl,” “I’m always in your shadow, so I’m alone.” In addition, the ugly duckling does not necessarily find herself a husband who is as ideal a family man as her own father. Feeling deprived, a young lady rarely hides her irritation against the one who is more fortunate.
Frustrated expectations. The young lady is convinced that her parents must certainly give her a start in life. “Dowry syndrome” disturbs family peace. The daughter, having not received the coveted car or apartment on time, blames her “ancestors”: they live for themselves, do not care about her future, do not get a job as janitors so that “it would be like their friends.” In such a situation, the relationship between daughter and father sharply deteriorates: he loses his authority as a breadwinner.
Lack of parental love. Remember how it all began. Was your princess a planned and long-awaited child? Or “it just happened”? In the latter case, there is nothing to blame for an adult young lady if she did not pay due attention to her upbringing, took care of herself, her studies, and her career. The belated parental instinct begins to work in emergency mode: you want to pass on life experience at all costs, pat your treasure on the head, spend the evening together. But, unfortunately, the train has left: the lack of your presence in the children's world was made up for by your grandmother, boyfriend or rhythmic gymnastics coach.

How to get a teenager to do homework?

In order to understand how to get a teenager to do his homework, you need to find out in detail his interests, and then clearly explain how good studies at school can be beneficial and useful for him. Only real facts that coincide with the teenager’s life goals are relevant here, because he will immediately and completely reject the rules and dogmas “because it’s necessary.” After a detailed dialogue, give your child time to comprehend your arguments and make a decision.

Often, a negative attitude towards school and everything connected with it is caused by problematic relationships with peers, teachers, etc. Parents need to find out the cause of the child’s difficulties. And help him overcome the problem. If your teenager is systematically bullied by other children, don't expect the problem to go away on its own. Most often, only adults can solve it. The article If a child is bullied at school, in kindergarten, on the street: advice from a psychologist and lawyer will help them with this.

Manifestation of individuality

Sometimes it is very useful to remember yourself during your daughter’s years. Who, no matter how teenager, thinks that the whole world is at his feet. He wants to test his strength, achieve recognition and success. Help your daughter with this. Support her endeavors, even if at first glance they seem hopeless and crazy.

You cannot know in advance what this will lead to. For example, today it is fashionable to record various kinds of videos and post them on the Internet. Even if nonsense is filmed on it, but people watch it, the system pays money. Who knows, maybe such a hobby will bring significant income, or give experience, fame and push the girl to the profession of a TV presenter or journalist.

Under 18: change and talk

But in reality, parents rarely come to their senses so early - more often we are faced with the need to rebuild relationships with teenagers. And this happens not at twelve or thirteen years old, while he is still very dependent on us, but at sixteen or seventeen, when a young man is ready to burn bridges, and good relationships become more important to you than to him. In such a situation, a simple change in behavior is more likely to alert him than to lead to positive changes.

It’s important to start talking here. Talk about your feelings, your willingness to understand and hear

And not only talk, but also prove your new position with real actions.

At the same time, it is still important to remain in this situation as a parent who is more experienced and wiser. During adolescence, it is more important than ever to have support at home, support and competent advice.

The son or daughter still needs a strong parent; they cannot yet go through life on their own, although they are internally ready for this.

It happens that the situation has reached a dead end, any communication is extremely emotionally charged, and long conversations with research into the positions of the parties are simply impossible. In this case, the parent will need a lot of courage and patience.

You also need to be prepared for the fact that the first step is taken by the parent who is older and stronger. After all, the initiative in parent-child relationships is always on the side of the parent; it is he who determines their tone at any age.

Other reasons for soured relationships

The daughter begins to notice the shortcomings and mistakes of her mother in adolescence. Unconditional trust is replaced by bitterness of disappointment, and doubts arise in the very concept of upbringing given to her by her parents. As a result, the girl, who just yesterday allowed herself to be “ridden on” and “manipulated,” finally becomes entangled in contradictions and starts an unexpected rebellion.

But is he so unexpected? Wasn’t it possible to predict future troubles by the changed behavior, detachment and cooling? Waiting is not the best strategy; you should start worrying as soon as you notice the first signs that your child is trying to make you his worst enemy. One of the best preventative measures is to analyze the situation and determine which of the possible reasons for the deterioration of the relationship are taking place in your case:

parental egoism - excessive maternal love can often take quite ugly forms, and then the only aspiration of a loving heart becomes undivided possession of her child. In accordance with this, a woman’s character changes, unbeknownst to her, acquiring extremely unpleasant traits - imperiousness, authoritarianism, intransigence. She begins to treat “her little blood” as the owner of personal property and does everything not to share this property with anyone;
suppression of individuality - can manifest itself both in excessively tight control over a girl with endless “scanning” of all her actions, and in biased criticism of friends with the inevitable “weeding out” of potential fans. In essence, this is a complete deprivation of the daughter’s personal space and the slightest opportunity to independently organize her own life;
overprotection - often the mother’s desire to protect her child from freedom of action is regarded by her as providing protection. However, in reality, such “protection” turns out to be an insurmountable obstacle to self-determination and self-expression, which determines the normal formation of personality. A girl grows up completely unprepared for real life trials, and when faced with them, at best she gives in, and at worst, she makes irreparable mistakes and disfigures her own destiny;
unhealthy rivalry is one of the most absurd situations when a mother begins to see in her child a competitor claiming her own position in the family or society. All this is mixed with envy, jealousy, and unhealthy competition.

Of course, these are not all the mistakes that parents make in their relationships with their children. Moreover, children themselves often become the cause of conflicts, imbuing the family environment with a spirit of hostility and confrontation. We can only cope with this together, in close cooperation and against the backdrop of mutual trust.

How to improve relationships?

You need to make your child feel that he is loved unconditionally. Neither grades, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are their child’s most devoted friends and protectors. They will fight to the last, will protect their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for the offense, but they will do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of troubles.

We must strive to create a trusting relationship between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which are also often unpleasant for both parties. You need to communicate on a friendly wave as often as possible, strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with your child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes have a heart-to-heart talk. Thanks to friendly communication, the teenager will begin to value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are very often perceived extremely negatively by teenagers).

When relationships make women sick

The psychological state causes a response in the body. Here are the diseases that can arise as a result of a stressful relationship between mother and daughter:

Functional disorders of the gastrointestinal tract: often gastritis, colitis, food intolerance (for example, from a strict dominant mother who turns pent-up “anger in the stomach” into illness).
Respiratory tract diseases: often asthma (for example, from an overly anxious possessive mother who feels like she is “taking away the air her daughter breathes”).
Skin diseases: often atopic dermatitis, chronic itching (for example, from a hostile mother whose behavior really “gets under the skin”).
Neurotic disorders: often anxiety disorders, hypochondriacal disorders (for example, caused by an overly anxious possessive mother).
Behavioral problems with physical disorders: anorexia, bulimia (for example, due to a violation of female identity).

How to improve relationships with your teenage daughter or son.

After you have taken off the mask and recognized your right to experience a negative emotion, the next task is to admit that he feels bad too. However, you shouldn’t be zealous here either. How many mothers whose children go through this difficult age are torn between aggression and guilt. Guilt is also an aggressive emotion, a sort of “wolf in sheep’s clothing,” and it certainly won’t help improve relationships.

It is important to know that, despite the troubles that befall a teenager, despite the fact that he is now going through a very difficult period, this torment was chosen by him even before incarnation and he will definitely, having gone through this, discover something valuable in himself later. Be sure to find something in your favorite teenager that you can completely sincerely and honestly admire, even if it’s just socks put away or a plate washed once

Only honesty works with children

Be sure to find something in your favorite teenager that you can completely sincerely and honestly admire, even if it’s just socks put away or a plate washed once. Only honesty works with children.

How not to interfere with admission to a university and not pay for tuition

My daughter chose a university and a specialty at the beginning of the 10th grade, and the next stage was dedicated to achieving this goal. And this became a new challenge for me

It was important to delegate this goal to her while providing the necessary support. Tutors in subjects that “passed by” in previous grades, a tutor who builds her educational trajectory and maintains motivation, and I am in the wings, with resources for all this splendor, but completely without responsibility for the goal

It was very unusual, very exciting and constantly on the edge.

And now we come to the Unified State Examination. At some point, it became clear that no matter how hard we tried, no matter how great our investments, she would not qualify for free training. And I always had the attitude that I don’t pay for the university - that’s it.

At these moments it is very difficult to maintain common sense - even if for all the previous 17 years you have been a hyper-conscious mother, you have always tried to maintain contact with the child and be on his side, and you understand the philosophical meaning of existence and the futility of the social side of the issue. I needed to walk a fine line: continue to support my daughter in her choices and feelings, but at the same time maintain the “not pay for university” attitude that was important to me.

I put her in a very difficult situation: having points that were clearly not enough for free education, to look for options in which achieving her dream is possible. I did not suggest possible steps, did not negotiate with the university, did not look for money, but responded to her requests for help to secure her in specific matters: calculations, discussions with relatives, an action plan.

The daughter did it and, after regaining her strength, felt triumphant that she had achieved the goal she had set. In fact, it was a 50% discount on tuition and an agreement with relatives on paying for the university, which she reached on her own.

How to improve relationships with a 14-year-old teenage daughter. Hamit, rude, disobedient! Tell

Why is the daughter being rude, what are her prerequisites for this? How parents react to this and so on.

Don’t make fun of a purely female craving for the mirror - let him study himself, let him get used to loving himself! Don’t stop your first experiments with cosmetics - let him try lipstick, eye shadow, and mascara. Encourage people to work on their appearance. Hair care, skin cleansing, masks - the sooner you develop the skill of reasonable attention to appearance, the better. Sports clubs, shaping, aerobics - let your daughter know: beauty requires sacrifice. And these sacrifices are justified!

Strict upbringing has its costs. A generation of women in particular, raised by super-demanding parents, cannot escape the idea that love must be earned. Hence the excessive diligence, the victim complex and the inability to simply recognize oneself as loved.

Deprived in childhood of obvious manifestations of parental affection, the girl, like a butterfly, will fly to the first light of that light, which seems to her like love. Consequently, she can become the prey of any rogue who is not too lazy to pat her on the head and say a few tender words.

A girl needs to be pampered; each parent determines the amount for himself. The girl must realize that she is loved.

Instill safety rules in your daughter. Teach her to understand people and situations. Don't intimidate, but warn against being too gullible. The wise learn from the mistakes of others. Talk with your daughter about dangerous incidents in the lives of your friends, about what you know from the press. Let her learn to avoid everything that threatens life, health, and reputation.

SHE MUST BE RESPECTED!

well, the point is that you are not against helping her live differently, not like you

but there is a price for this help

if he doesn’t want to, let him learn through bruises and bumps

mine is 12.5 and still the same symptoms. I am patient, I try to talk more with her about topics that interest her (boys, cosmetics, friendship, etc.). By the way, conversations like this are what I really missed at her age. how I wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with my mother, but she did not really welcome intimate conversations with a child who still does not understand anything in this life... and, in my opinion, such conversations bring us closer together and allow us to better understand each other.

The second way is a crisis of dependence, the symptoms of which are opposite: excessive obedience, dependence on elders or strong people, regression to old interests or tastes, forms of behavior. This is a kind of return back to the system of relationships that guaranteed emotional well-being, a sense of confidence and security.

The first and second options are ways of self-determination. But in the first case, it is expressed by the position “I am no longer a child,” and in the second case, “I am a child and I want to remain one.”

The third is peaceful cooperation, when the adult himself invites the child into adulthood: respects his desire to be an adult, takes into account his opinion, justifies his refusals to the teenager in some way, reinforces his demands with his own example, helps him learn to take responsibility for his actions, explains the need for this responsibility.

For development, the third option turns out to be the most favorable, the second the least favorable.

How to help a child grow up (Yu. B. Gippenreiter)

Rule 1. Do not interfere in the child’s business unless he asks for help. By your non-interference you will tell him: “You’re okay! Of course you can do it! "

Rule 2. Gradually but steadily relieve yourself of care and responsibility for your child’s personal affairs and transfer them to him.

Rule 3: Allow your child to face the negative consequences of their actions (or inactions). Only then will he grow up and become “conscious”.

Birth

The relationship between mother and daughter at the initial stage is a symbiosis of two. The calmest and safest period for the fetus is its first nine months, which it spends in the womb of a woman. Subconsciously, every person remembers that feeling of serenity and strives to find it in the world around them.

Then the baby is born. And this is a difficult test for both him and his mother. Childbirth can be painful and difficult. During birth, some newborns sometimes receive birth injuries, the consequences of which a person sometimes suffers for the rest of his life. This moment is not easy for a woman either. After childbirth, serious hormonal changes occur in her body, financial difficulties arise, and violent emotions appear, ranging from joyful feelings to prolonged depression.

The mother’s condition has a direct impact on the baby’s psyche. But at the same time, a newborn daughter also begins to influence the woman. Sometimes a child who has received certain injuries during childbirth does not respond as actively to affection and intimacy as the mother would like. And this can already become the source of the beginning of misunderstanding in relations between close people.

Despite this, in the first year of a girl’s life, the psychological symbiosis of the mother-daughter relationship continues to persist. After all, the baby is helpless and requires constant attention and care. During this period, the woman devotes all her time to her and introduces her to the world around her.

At the symbiosis stage, girls need their mother's love. They completely trust their loved one and learn many things from him. Mom, in turn, needs the devotion and unconditional love of a little child’s heart. At the same time, she becomes the best and most beautiful in the world for her daughter. If at this stage the girl lacks attention, then she can remain at the stage of symbiosis for a long time. At the same time, in the future the child will try to please the mother in order to win her love. In this case, the child will not develop his own interests.

Help from a family psychologist

If you cannot understand why exactly the teenager and stepfather have such a bad relationship, or have established the reason, but this did not help you improve it, do not be lazy to go to a psychologist. The format of the meetings will be suggested by the specialist himself (perhaps he will want to work with the three of you, or will hold meetings only with your son/daughter and stepfather, or even work with the teenager himself without the presence of adults). This is a normal, adult solution to the problem. It is better to spend several months on psychotherapy and, as a result, gain peace and mutual respect in the family, than to endure quarrels, resentments and scandals in the house for years (which can cause new complexes to appear in a teenager).

In conclusion, we note that it is impossible to improve relations between a teenager and a stepfather without the efforts of the man himself. Again, you should not force him to immediately call your child “son”/“daughter” and demand that he perceive him as his own. But without attention, care, and respect from the stepfather, no warm feelings will appear in the child. In the optimal case, they should both gradually take steps towards each other, get to know each other better and better, support each other and you, and if they ever decide to use words like “dad”, “son”, and “daughter” - then solely of one's own free will and desire.

Creative activity

Already at 3-4 years old, girls begin to search for themselves in this life. They have creative impulses designed to answer the question of the direction of realizing the potential given to them by nature. During this period, some mothers face their own negativity. It arises from the expectations that they place on their daughters.

Many mothers create a certain image for their child, without paying any attention to his aspirations and talents. By doing this, they transfer their dreams and unrealized plans to their children, directing them along a path that is alien to them. By breaking the character and will of her child, a woman is unlikely to achieve good results. On the contrary, bad relationships between mother and daughter become the norm. The wall of misunderstanding between them grows almost to the skies.

The girl will begin to defend her rights to individual needs. At the same time, her mother wants the best for her. Sometimes the opposite situation arises. The mother’s opinion begins to dominate so much that the girl perceives it as the only true one. At the same time, the daughter begins to suppress her needs and desires, striving to live up to the ideal brought to her. However, the mother should keep in mind that in this case, sooner or later the girl will have to face the development of neurosis.