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Surely, everyone is familiar with situations from childhood when they were promised something, but then, for some reason, it didn’t work out. Such feelings are difficult to forget. But with age, it seems that it was all there, in childhood, and now, when you grow up, these are all little things. But no. Today you promise your child to go for a walk with him, but you stay at home. Tomorrow the child will promise to do something, perhaps important, and will not fulfill it. It will be offensive, unpleasant and, possibly, ruin all plans. Keep your promises, start with yourself and later everyone will consider you a man of your word.
Do you promise?
Everyone equally often faces the fact that they are required to provide assurance about something. This is a psychological attitude that reinforces the words spoken. It helps to be more confident in those people with whom you have to do business and have common interests. Most people say “I promise” without even thinking about keeping what they promised. Therefore, there is an overlap of inconsistencies: one person asked again, clarifying, and the second, without thinking, assured. The result is a broken promise and broken trust. To secure the image of a responsible person, you should be guided by one rule: “Never promise what you cannot deliver.”
Moscow psychologists explained why unfulfilled promises are harmful
People often make promises: to themselves, friends, loved ones, children. It's good if you can fulfill them. And how many imaginary promises have we made, swearing what we actually did not intend to fulfill or, due to various circumstances, simply could not keep. Family specialist Arina Efimova explains why unfulfilled promises made to children are harmful.
A promise is an obligation, a kind of contract that a person undertakes absolutely voluntarily. “And, like any agreement, it must be fulfilled. Therefore, before you promise anything, give yourself time to think: there is no need to rush,” advises Arina.
Why do we make promises to children?
- We cannot say “no” Often children manipulate their parents, but they cannot refuse or answer their requests with a firm “no”. Of course, every responsible parent is happy to fulfill his child’s wish, but if for various reasons it is difficult to fulfill it, it is better to immediately explain everything, tell him why it is impossible to do this now. Let's call it "outright refusal." And the child will understand.
- Trying to please Often we behave this way when we feel guilty for not being able to pay enough attention to our child. Parents seem to compensate for this with promises. Adults are driven by the desire to look better in the eyes of their son or daughter.
- We are trying to achieve the desired reaction. In this way we try to persuade him to do something that the child categorically does not want to do or is afraid to do. For example, we promise to reward him with a gift after going to the doctor, after unpleasant procedures that cause negative emotions. And this, as a rule, works, but only when the agreement is fulfilled. Otherwise, the parent loses the child's trust.
Quarrel with a friend
An unfulfilled promise can become a real tragedy for a child, which can develop into serious trauma. The Malygin family turned to a family psychologist. Their daughter Katya is in 7th grade. Since childhood, it was difficult for the girl to find a common language with her peers. She is very shy by nature and has never had close friends. But recently the daughter told her parents that she had become close to her classmate Alena.
The girl began to enjoy going to school and spend a long time talking with her new friend. And most importantly, I began to communicate more openly with my parents. At some point, they began to notice her apathy and irritability, Katya began to move away, and a confidential conversation did not work out. They could not cope on their own and decided to turn to a family psychologist.
As it turned out, Katya was very worried about the breakup with her friend, and it so happened that it was her parents who were involved in this quarrel. They promised to allow Katya’s friend to stay overnight with them, but at the very last moment they were forced to refuse. Then they thought that nothing terrible had happened, because Alena could always come next time. But this was a serious blow for my daughter; she and her friend quarreled. The psychologist conducted several group and individual consultations, which helped restore the relationship between the child and parents. “Sometimes a casually thrown promise, to which we did not pay much attention, causes enormous harm. Children tend to believe adults, especially their parents, and if they understand that the people closest to them lied, then due to their age, not being able to understand difficult circumstances, they draw their own conclusions: they are not loved, not appreciated, not understood. And most importantly, they adopt this model of adult behavior: you can not be responsible for your words, you can deceive, you can put your personal interests above all,” says the psychologist.
What to do if you couldn't keep your promise
- You must definitely apologize, sympathize with his disappointment, and convince the child that he is very important to you and loved.
- Try to explain that there was a very good reason or circumstances beyond your control arose that prevented you from keeping your word: then the child’s disappointment will not be so strong.
- Invite your child to do something interesting together, something that he likes and will bring joy. This will distract him, and the resentment will no longer seem so bitter.
Don’t think that empty words will not affect your child’s psycho-emotional state. Don't neglect his feelings. Even if he doesn’t tell you or remind you about a long-standing promise, this does not mean that he doesn’t remember about it. Don't count on it. Many people remember certain moments from childhood throughout their lives.
“A child is a small copy of yourself. Children, like sponges, absorb all the information from their environment, imitate everything and take their example from you. So try not to make mistakes. It's simple: if you want them to fulfill their obligations, fulfill yours. If you want that you weren’t lied to, don’t lie yourself,” the specialist concluded.
In difficult moments, when the situation is out of control, contact psychologists in the capital’s family centers. They will always support and help you understand the issues of raising children. You can find out more information on the My Family Center website.
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Before you promise
Before you promise anything, you should think about whether it will be possible to fulfill what you promised? Will it be necessary to live in ri later or will just a little effort be enough? Let's think about it. When a person says that he promises something, obligatory fulfillment is automatically implied. And, accordingly, the other person will count on him. And in this case, neglect will play a negative role, disrupting relationships between people. Therefore, before making promises, you need to decide whether they fall into the category of achievable ones or those that you cannot fulfill.
3. Break down a large task into smaller ones
Large-scale tasks unwittingly cause fear and uncertainty in us. Small ones are good because they look quite achievable and therefore do not frighten. Compare: “I want to completely switch to a healthy diet and lose 25 kg” and “This week I will cook low-calorie meals for three days.”
When we accomplish something we set out to do (even if it's just a small thing), dopamine levels rise, which makes us feel satisfied, pleased, and proud of our accomplishments. And these feelings, in turn, work as fuel, allowing us not to stop there and move further towards our macro goal.
This promise
If a difficult promise has already been made, then let's see what can be done. The option “break into pieces, but get it done” is undoubtedly interesting, but not viable. This promise must be kept, but if the situation develops in such a way that it will not be possible to fulfill it, it is better to explain this immediately. Because the more time passes, the more the other person expects to be fulfilled. Moreover, if the matter is urgent, an agreement without implementation can cause a conflict.
Specific solutions
To find the right course of action, you need to think carefully about the following question: what exactly prevented you from sticking to the chosen path last time? Maybe it was a lot of stress? What, then, was its source, and how could it be eliminated now? Or maybe it’s all due to lack of time? Or was it completely unclear where to start the work - it turned out to look like a huge and inaccessible mountain? To avoid falling for these excuses, you should write down all your excuses on paper. This will help you work out possible options in advance and deal with them in advance. After all, they will still arise periodically. This is how the human brain works - it constantly encourages us to return to old, beaten paths.
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How to do it?
First, you need to find out what actions and costs will be needed to keep your promise. If it is possible to do this quickly and without harm to anyone, then you need to act. Keeping your promise as early as possible will allow you to strengthen yourself as a responsible and reliable person. To keep a promise that will require additional effort and action, you must first make a plan and only then begin to implement it. Fulfilling what you promise increases people’s trust and provides a kind of guarantee that the promises made to you will also be fulfilled.
Willpower and motivation
In order to achieve the desired goal, you will have to show a lot of physical activity. The algorithm is approximately this: choice – action – continuation of work on what was started. The path is the path for that reason, to rob the wanderer of all his strength at the end of it. And to successfully overcome it, you cannot do without making efforts. The energy that allows you to get to the final destination lies in the ability to maintain focus on your chosen activity. Despite everything. You can tell yourself: “Even if it’s raining now, I’ll still go for a run. Even if I’m incredibly tired, preparation for tomorrow’s report is not cancelled.”
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Everyone has this energy - it is called willpower. To stimulate this quality, psychologists recommend imagining your life after achieving your desired goal. You can imagine pictures of a wonderful future, where a foreign language has already been learned and extra pounds have been lost. Or you can create a special collage on paper. Presenting negative pictures of the future can be no less effective if you don’t do the right thing now. If the pictures described are as life-like and real as possible, this will allow you to generate a sufficient amount of willpower to work on the goal. A frightening image of a negative future will be the best panacea against any “I don’t feel like it today.”
Daily
The Dalai Lama was once asked to describe in one word the secret of his good health. The sage replied: “Habit.” The power of habit is difficult to overestimate. Useless habits force us to do the same thing every day and avoid working on our goals. As for the positive ones, they are not so easy to form, but they are the ones who push the locomotive of our happiness forward.
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Bring things to the end
How many people have we come across along the way who managed to bring their ambitious plans to their logical conclusion? Some people prefer not to even start, anticipating obstacles and failures in advance. Others light up at first, and then quickly cool down and give up. They lose interest. And there are those who get about 90% of the way, but cannot withstand the stress and give up. Making a promise to yourself means fulfilling your plans 100%. “Almost” finished, or done carelessly - such a result does not count. The only thing that matters is the fact itself whether the goal is achieved or not. Why not treat those dreams and plans that have value to us this way?
It's always nice to keep a promise to a friend or family member. In this case, we receive the invaluable gratitude of a person dear to us. However, keeping the promises we make to ourselves is no less important. After all, they are the ones who help to cultivate in us a sense of self-respect and self-confidence.
Schedule
This is one of the most important points. Yes, we can promise ourselves that we will master a new profession - but when will this significant event actually happen? Do you want to take an accounting course? Write down in your diary exactly when you will do this. Unfortunately, adults do not have demanding parents and teachers who will force them to act as directed. This circumstance often turns against us - in the absence of external control, many tend to let things take their course. Recordings allow you to control your behavior. And this significantly increases the likelihood of achieving the desired goal.
