King Solomon was the third Jewish king and was considered a model of wisdom among his subjects. People traveled great distances to seek his advice and watch how gracefully the son of David twirled his legendary ring with wise engravings. But when it came to the king himself, wisdom left him. The fact that the ring did not work is evidenced by a series of short-sighted decisions that led to the collapse of the kingdom: hundreds of concubines, boasting of one’s wealth, neglect of raising his son (who later became a tyrant), waste of the state treasury.
The term "Solomon's Paradox" originated in a study by scientists Ethan Cross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, and Igor Grossman, Ph.D., at the University of Waterloo. It denotes a situation where a person can give wise and effective advice to other people - but at critical moments he himself cannot abstract himself, give himself advice and follow it.
Why do we want to help each other
We owe the desire to help other people to the development of the neocortex. Species in which it is not developed are devoid of maternal instinct: for example, baby reptiles after birth are forced to fight off their relatives, who see only food in their offspring.
We can observe the development of empathy using the example of children. A one-year-old child is already able to feel anxiety when another baby falls next to him: he can immediately put his thumb in his mouth, as if he had hurt himself. Older children become aware of their own identity and the fact that they are separate from other people. They try to solve the problem in more cunning ways, for example, offering a soft toy to the injured child. By the age of two, children come to understand that other people's feelings are different from their own feelings. The peak development of empathy occurs towards the end of childhood: during this period, children realize that suffering exists beyond the specific moment. At this age, they can empathize with the plight of an entire group of people, such as the poor.
Darwin believed that the nature of empathy was selfish motivation.
When you see someone suffering, it triggers memories of your own suffering, and you begin to experience intense discomfort (also called emotional resonance). And in order to reduce it, you help another person.
Fanatics
They give advice like:
“Of course your child doesn’t listen. How will he listen if the whole world is permeated with magnetic radiation from mobile phones? You should definitely come with me to the Doomsday Wave Society meeting.
“Fired? Just before your vacation? Remember this when you go to vote!”
“Does your husband have a mistress? So your bed is not according to Feng Shui! Now we’ll rearrange everything, and life will get better, you’ll see.”
In every group of people united by common beliefs, there are fanatics who reduce absolutely any conversation on absolutely any topic to their “super idea.” They patiently wait for any opportunity to screw it in, and if they wait... These people are just as obsessive and just as resistant to the “get rid of it” reaction as any sectarians. There are always plenty of fanatics of all kinds on any forum - from creationists to militant atheists.
These people don't just give advice when no one asks. They will insist and check that you follow them. If you have financial problems and you know someone like this, be prepared to attack. Because he is sure that your problems will be solved only when you accept his system of views on the world and join a group of people like himself. And if you have not yet reached a sufficient degree of enlightenment to understand this, he will “save” you, no matter what the cost.
They do this without malice. It's just that their life is an endless battle for an idea that extends to everything they encounter. For them, your personal problems are just another field of their endless battle. You are another strategically important point that must be conquered. And another potential fighter for their front line.
Nightmare? Their direct opposite is almost worse...
Why is it difficult to give advice to yourself?
Let's imagine a situation: you went to the pool to practice your crawl swimming technique. The horizon is clear, the path belongs only to you. You gracefully jump into the water, old ladies sitting on sun loungers take turns rating you. You have three tens. But then - “BAM”, sparkles in the eyes. You hit your head on something unknown. You raise your head and assess the threat: it is a teenager of about fourteen. If he was also rude to you and splashed water in your face, you will feel righteous anger and direct it towards a lightning-fast aggressive solution to the problem.
This activated the amygdala: in response to a stimulus, it produces an emotional reaction much faster than the prefrontal cortex has time to conduct a “cold” analysis. The amygdala is also responsible for the formation of aggression; it made your fists clench, your pulse quicken, and set you up to “fight or flee.”
At a certain level of stress, it is no longer you who takes responsibility for your actions, but the archaic center of the brain, which seizes control in the most hopeless circumstances that require quick reactions, when reflection can cost you your life.
Thanks to the adrenaline rush, you get an incredible surge of energy. And in the media they will only talk about this as “the Hulk beat a child in the pool with superhuman strength.” Being captive of emotions, you were unable to give an objective assessment of the case, so not only were you unable to make the right decision, but you also did not remember the useful advice of others.
Flatterers
Despite the fact that each of us remembers Krylov’s fable “The Crow and the Fox” from our school days, many people still fall for the bait of flatterers, and will continue to do so. This type of adviser operates with advice such as:
“So what if you went to an interview in an old T-shirt! Just think, a hole doesn’t mean you’re a bad specialist!”
“If she criticized your work, it was only because she was jealous. Don't listen to her, continue like this. You understand this much better."
These people are truly dangerous. They always know when and what to say. They laugh at all your jokes. Each session of your drunken philosophizing is an example of deep and innovative thinking. No matter what crap you do, it will always be called a wise decision, which they will support with unwavering readiness and devotion in their eyes. Well, those who think otherwise are, of course, envious and idiots.
This doesn't necessarily happen with bosses. Not at all. But flatterers always have some kind of interest of their own. The goods “for exchange” can be anything - emotions, sex, finances, social status, dating, free drinks or a carousel ride.
You will find this phenomenon everywhere.
The most beautiful girl in school surrounds herself with unremarkable classmates who always agree and stare at her. A leader at any level has subordinates from whom you hear nothing but words of admiration.
And there is nothing so terrible about this until it comes to advice.
None of these people are able to advise anything useful. Because good advice may be diametrically opposed to what you want to hear. Moreover, the solution to many problems is associated with changing something in oneself, and this is quite painful for most.
“Do you want to know why no one can work with you? Because you are constantly rude and generally a tyrant. Try to treat people with more respect, and you’ll see that they will be drawn to you!”
Such advice from a person whom you do not consider an unconditional authority can end in the rupture of all relationships. But a flatterer will not take risks. For now he needs something from you.
Therefore, expect advice from him like: “Well, what an alcoholic you are! You just need to somehow relax. This is absolutely normal. Everyone lives like this."
If you surround yourself with flatterers, you will receive advice of this kind until you are carried out feet first. That's why these people are truly dangerous - because they are fun to spend time with. Everyone loves praise, no one enjoys criticism or reminders of their own mistakes.
But we cannot grow without criticism - it’s like planting a plant in warm soil and a comfortable pot, but depriving it of all nutrients.
How to “cool down” emotions
People who experience strong emotions find it difficult to concentrate on their problems. To help yourself, you need to let the amygdala “cool down”. The less we are personally involved in a situation, the easier it is for us to abstract ourselves from emotions and fears and reason rationally.
Scientists Ethan Kross and Igor Grossman conducted several experiments to prove their theory that if we look at a problem in the third person and become our own “best friends” who give effective advice, then it is easier for us to accept and solve the problem. In the study, participants were subjected to imaginary cheating on their partner and then asked to answer several questions (to see how subjects could detach themselves from the problem and think rationally). In the first case, they answered questions in the first person, in the second, the subjects freed themselves from their “ego” and answered in the third person, as if giving advice to a friend. The results showed that when participants took a different perspective, they gave more rational advice.
During this experiment, scientists also proved that in relation to themselves, “wisdom does not come with age”: a group of subjects aged 60–80 years were less inclined to think rationally about their problem.
When a person thinks about himself in a difficult situation, his “tunnel vision” turns on: the breadth of thinking narrows and thoughts scatter. But if a person imagines the same case in relation to another, then he abstracts from the problem and looks at it from a third person, without letting what happened pass through himself. This distance “turns off” the dramatic effect, muffles the work of the amygdala and allows you to think sensibly and wisely.
"Naked truth"
And now about why unsolicited advice irritates others so much. According to the survey, only 5% of 100% will be happy with your “authoritative” opinion, 30% will turn a deaf ear, and 65% will be very angry. With the latter, your “samovar” can greatly ruin your relationship.
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky has one rule for a happy life: do not speak when you are not asked. And it really works. Agree, no one likes it when someone blatantly does not even cross, but jumps over its boundaries, trying to restore order in someone else’s “garden.”
We are all different, everyone chooses what to wear, how long to breastfeed a child and what length of skirt to choose at 55. By the way, many give light for absolutely altruistic reasons, afraid of seeming inattentive to other people's problems. Silence is not always a story about indifference. When advice is needed, you will definitely be asked. Inner permission to keep it with you is a great luxury that you simply must allow yourself.
Other ways to detach yourself from emotions
In addition to the third-person technique, there are a number of other methods that will help you calm down, look at the state of affairs from different angles and find peace.
Zen Buddhism
advises turning on the contradiction and distraction mode. A common practice in this philosophy is to think about paradoxes, for example: “What does clapping with one hand sound like?” Pondering paradoxes helps to redirect and refresh the mind in an emergency. Contradictions help us develop our ability to tolerate uncertainty. You can get a European perspective on Zen Buddhism through Eugen Herrigel's The Art of Archery, or dive into Vietnamese Buddhism through the short book How to Eat Mindfully by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Humor
allows you to distance yourself, therefore it provides the emotional release necessary in stressful conditions. Find something funny in yourself or in the whole problem that worries you, draw a caricature of the enemy and compose a “pie” about the vicissitudes of your fate. This way you can look at everything from a different angle and free yourself from the oppressive role of the victim.
Try on different points of view
. Try to look at the conflict from the other side's point of view. Write a story from the perspective of an employer who did not pay you a salary for four months in order to support his mistress, or imagine a dialogue between your lover who cheated on you and her psychotherapist.
Breathing and physical exercises.
Physical activity helps cope with anger: it improves concentration and improves mood. Deep breathing reduces emotional arousal.
Rules for dealing with advisors
If you want me to benefit from your unsolicited advice, write it on a five thousand dollar bill.
Understanding why a person gives advice, it is easy to formulate rules of behavior when you hear unsolicited advice.
Rule one. Ignore.
The whole point of giving advice is to get above you. Therefore, any reaction you have is already a victory. And only when there is no reaction, all the taste disappears. Therefore, if you ignored the adviser a couple of times, he will go looking for other listeners.
To enhance the effect, you can turn your head towards the adviser, look at him in surprise and return to your task.
Rule two. Answer vaguely.
Sometimes the advice contains a question. For example: “You need to play sports, don’t you think?”
In this case, choose some abstract phrase, like:
- Everything is possible, and this is not excluded.
- Maybe the chip will fall.
- Potentially, all the chances are there.
It is not clear from this phrase whether you agreed or not, but it is clear that you are a person of a sophisticated mind and this is also offensive.
Rule three. Translation of arrows.
This is a rule for annoying advisers who persistently try to teach you about life. In this case, feel free to take the topic of conversation into your own hands and begin the interrogation:
- Did this help you? How? When?
- Do you use this often?
- Where can I see the results?
By doing this, you have already taken the position of the supreme judge and do not give the adviser a chance to stroke his ego. He will become extremely uncomfortable and will fall behind.
Since you didn't ask for advice, you don't have to listen to it.
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Why is it difficult for us to follow advice?
For the ability to force ourselves to do something or, conversely, to refrain from something harmful, we owe it to willpower. Self-control and self-awareness (the ability to monitor ourselves) are a wonderful pairing, thanks to which we can predict our actions, analyze the consequences and change our minds in advance.
Willpower as a product of the prefrontal cortex appeared not only due to evolution, but also due to social factors. One hundred thousand years ago, people needed to band together with others to survive. Community means cooperation and distribution of resources: a person will think many times before taking someone else’s mammoth sandwich, because this may be followed by expulsion from the tribe. And wandering alone among huge predators, diseases, and even in an inhospitable environment would most likely lead an asocial individual to death.
The more complex our social world became, the more complex our behavior was bound to become. The need to collaborate and maintain long-term relationships has impacted our brains. We began to develop self-control strategies that help us restrain our impulses and be human in the full sense of the word.
Modern man understands that his “tribe” is vital to him: it takes care of him, heals him and feeds him. Therefore, he would rather take a tight rein on himself, experience the discomfort of overpowering himself and subsume some kind of religious philosophy under it - than repeat the fate of an individual without willpower.
American neuroendocrinologist, professor of biology, neurology and neurosurgery at Stanford University Robert Sapolsky believes that the main task of the cerebral cortex of modern humans (a relatively new part of the brain) is to incline the brain to more complex decisions. When you want to smoke, it is the prefrontal cortex that “gives a yellow card” to the brain, reminding you why you quit smoking.
The interaction of different parts of the cortex largely determines whether a person will resist temptation and be able to restrain himself.
Anterior cingulate cortex
helps to cut off contradictions between current actions and global goals (watch one more episode or go to bed and get up on time the next morning).
Dorsal part
The frontomedial cortex plays the role of a cop who prevents you from making the wrong decision (for example, sitting down to play computer games instead of writing a thesis).
Sensorimotor cortex
must follow the orders of the dorsal part. If the executive body does not obey, then we can observe the “anarchist hand” syndrome: if a person with such a syndrome decides to refuse a donut at the last moment, then the uncontrolled hand will automatically drag it into the mouth.
Appearance
- You are very attractive! If only she straightened her hair, she would be absolutely beautiful.
- What a stupid beard fashion! Shave it, don't embarrass yourself!
Any person probably has a mirror at home, so he knows what he looks like. And here there are two options:
- He likes everything.
- He doesn't like everything about himself, but he doesn't want to be poked about it. And it doesn’t matter whether he is working to correct the shortcomings and whether they can be corrected in principle.
Appearance is a matter of taste. Any comment regarding her is essentially no advice, and it is unlikely to be made with good intentions. Rather, it is a direct message: “I don’t like the way you look. You should look just the way I like.”
But the trick is that no one has to please everyone without exception. And it is even more naive to expect that someone will straighten their hair, shave off their beard, have plastic surgery on their nose and not wear shorts, as long as others are satisfied with this.
Figure it out
