How to return feelings to a relationship: advice from a psychologist

November 16, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Fedorova Victoria

When a relationship between a man and a woman just begins, it is full of passion and tenderness. However, such a period does not last forever. Common life, raising children and many everyday worries leave spouses neither the strength nor the time to show love. People get used to each other, and feelings fade away. However, every person, regardless of age and length of family relationships, wants to feel at least a small share of emotions. Spouses often ask how to bring feelings back into a relationship. After all, this is especially important for the family.

The main reasons for the disappearance of love in relationships

In reality, there are many reasons for a crisis to arise in a family. They are formal and real. The first include: differences in characters, social status, etc. But the real reasons are related to personality characteristics.

These include:

Selfishness of a man. He is not ready to give anything to the relationship, but only wants to receive.
Lack of separate personal space for spouses. Either one of them does not know how to give it, or the other does not know how to receive it.
Lack of skills or desire to negotiate with each other.
The desire to build your relationship not like your parents, but vice versa. They are based on the idea of the family of one of the partners.
Complete openness of the union, when every third person can intervene in it.
Character traits. In this case, upbringing or some childhood trauma plays an important role. They interfere with building relationships.

When spouses ask how to bring love back into a relationship, psychologists answer that many factors influence this. Therefore, you need to work with each family separately. Not everything is always smooth in relationships, so spouses need to behave correctly. At the same time, relationships take a long time to build, but are destroyed instantly.

Men often ask specialists how to return a girl’s feelings to herself. To do this, you need to rethink your union and draw appropriate conclusions.

Look to the root

“If you no longer want your partner, this may be due not only to sexual problems, but also to some other problems in the relationship. Often the real cause of dissatisfaction is not what is being voiced,” says Major. According to Katherine Woodward Thomas, a relationship psychotherapist who coined the term “conscious uncoupling,” it is not the most serious or dramatic thing that is causing it, but rather a small detail that “destroys trust and a sense of togetherness. Very often, as a lack of love, we perceive small disappointments, slight refusals, small unfulfilled hopes - these are those moments when we count on a person, but he is not there, or when we need support, but instead we receive criticism from our partner.” Falling in love, in her opinion, is “the feeling of being together. One way to regain that feeling is to be able to share what's bothering you."

What contributes to the deterioration of relationships

Before you learn how to bring love back into a relationship, you need to find out why it is deteriorating:

Constant quarrels. If a couple has scandals and quarrels, this leads to the disappearance of tender feelings. Spouses should not constantly conflict and insist on their own. They need to learn to give in to each other, even if one of them is wrong. It is very useful to do this.
Changes in family composition. Often quarrels in the family become more frequent when a child is born. Sometimes the problem arises of who will look after the children if the grandmother will not do it. As a result, someone must take on the vacated responsibilities.
Loss of trust. This can be caused by infidelity, betrayal and other factors. This is one of the main reasons for breaking trust in a couple. It can be returned over time, but both spouses must work for this.
Destroyed hopes. Joint plans and dreams strengthen the family. Especially when it comes to buying an apartment or traveling. And it’s bad when all hopes are not met.

How to get your feelings back? Spouses must understand that relationships cannot be perfect. If everything in the family is wrong, then it is best to visit a psychologist.

What can stop you from getting your ex-boyfriend back?

Fate often plays a cruel joke on us. You didn't value your relationship with a man until you were separated. But if you have already realized your mistakes, then your lover could have cooled down during this time.

If your ex-boyfriend's feelings have faded, then the following problems may arise when trying to get him back:

He won’t want to communicate with you: he won’t pick up the phone or respond to SMS. Then you will not be able to explain to the young man and try to restore communication. If a lot of time has passed and the man is still silent or has completely blacklisted you, then he is clearly indifferent to you.
The guy has already found another girl. This makes it very difficult to renew the relationship. Now you will also have to fight him off from his emerging passion. And the new novel probably distracted him from sad thoughts about breaking up.
The ex-man in his hearts told mutual friends about what happened between you. If he still had sincere feelings, he would not seek to denigrate his beloved girl. Now you are persona non grata in the company, and people are starting to whisper unpleasantly behind your back. Usually the first version expressed is accepted as the truth, and the guy clearly tried to quickly put you in an unfavorable light. The resumption of the affair will not play into his hands; if you make peace, they will look at him askance.

Don't be upset if your situation resembles one of the above. Maybe this is how your ex-boyfriend is testing you and testing your strength? Take a risk and try our tips on how to regain a guy’s trust and rekindle your romance.

How to get a man's love back

Women often notice that passion has disappeared. How to return your husband's feelings? To resolve this issue, you need to do the following.

Many girls, after a long relationship, believe that the man belongs to them and will not go anywhere. And this is absolutely not true. Any relationship requires constant investment, especially if you want to receive dividends.

How to get a guy's feelings back? It is important that partners have many points of contact. This could be work in the same industry or similar leisure activities. When a man enjoys fishing, a woman does not have to take part in the process itself. She can cook dinner and organize overnight stays.

It is desirable that spouses have similar culinary tastes. A woman needs to learn to cook the dishes her husband loves.

Sexual relationships are an important part of marriage. They are the key to a long and happy life. There should be no complexes in your intimate life. Spouses should receive only positive emotions from her.

Signs that feelings are cooling

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If your boyfriend doesn’t have a direct conversation and is in no hurry to admit that his feelings have changed, you can analyze his behavior and understand that it’s time to sound the alarm.

The following signs may indicate cold:

The guy stopped giving gifts and making surprises;
In telephone conversations he became short and laconic, and irritation appeared in his voice;
He is not at all interested in your life, reacts to successes only with a forced smile, and when asked for support, he says “hang in there”;

They began to meet less frequently on his initiative;
Tender words and special addresses disappeared;
The man stopped planning weekends together;
Lost attraction, no longer shows enthusiasm for intimacy.

Having noted several such “bells”, it’s time to start a conversation and understand what, in fact, is the reason for the changed behavior.

What to do for your spouse

Any woman must follow several rules that will help improve her relationship with her husband:

Men also have the right to be upset, disappointed, etc. You should not constantly criticize and scold your husband. You can jointly discuss any undertaking and consider all options for its development. In case of failure, you should not shift responsibility to your spouse. A husband and wife should be friends not only in good times.
If a woman marries a man who has achieved success in a certain professional field, then she needs to make every effort to further his development.

After disagreements arise in the family, you need to remove selfishness from the relationship. You should not tie your husband to the house. A man should have his own life, in which he has the right to communicate with friends or pursue his hobbies.

Women should not constantly make comments to their spouse, because there are no ideal people in the world. It is best for them to take care of their appearance or self-development.

The wife should become self-sufficient and not cling to her husband’s hand in any situation. She needs to learn to make decisions without his advice.

A friendly atmosphere should reign in the house so that a man would happily rush there after work. After quarrels and scandals, you should not make family troubles public.

Don't be a burden, be a blast!

Your importance to your partner is proportional to the pleasure he gets next to you. The more energy, excitement, inspiration he receives from you, the more he will want more - both communication with you and you in general!

But when you reproach your partner for his unworthy attitude towards you; when you appeal to a sense of duty, to conscience; when you cry, complain, whine or demand - all this reduces your importance.

Because instead of a buzz, you are just a complete headache! Any pressure suppresses desire! Remember that significance does not depend on a sense of duty, but on pleasure and attraction.

But I don’t encourage you to pretend where you feel bad and offended. You shouldn’t pretend to be high and happy when you are offended and want to cry - it won’t work anyway, your loved one will see through this performance in no time. Just know that if you are neglected, this is not a reason to pour out all the pain and disappointment on your partner in the form of reproaches and demands. Because as soon as you take out these tools of moral violence, the situation will only start to get worse.

Why does a woman's love fade away?

No matter how attached a woman is to her husband, there are some things that cause her to fade away her previous feelings. To bring romance back into a relationship, you need to find out what led to the rift. And then eliminate the cause.

When a man asks a specialist how to return his wife’s cooled feelings, he needs to understand that a lot of factors influence this. As you know, passion fades over time. Psychologists consider this a natural process. Hot love in normal family relationships is replaced by tenderness, responsibility for each other and affection. Sometimes things happen differently. When love leaves, nothing appears to replace it in a woman’s heart.

The following circumstances are to blame for this:

Husband's inattention. After a hard day at work, the spouse wants to relax, and not listen to the problems of others or carry on a conversation. This most often leads to mutual inattention, and over time, to indifference. Therefore, men, despite being tired, should find time for a sincere conversation with their wife.
Coarseness. Most often, when various problems arise, men take out their anger and dissatisfaction on their wives. This can seriously worsen family relationships. Some of the women react negatively to this. Others accumulate pain and resentment inside, and then suddenly break off all relations with such a spouse.
Lack of care on the part of a man. Quite often in families, a woman carries heavy bags of groceries, negotiates repairs, saves for a vacation for the whole family, and provides for the children they share. As a result, she develops a complete rejection of her husband. A woman often has thoughts: why does she need such a man? After all, she copes with everything very well herself.
Lack of common interests between spouses. When a husband and wife like different films, music and books, this gradually alienates them from each other. To get closer, it is important that they have a common cause. This could be joint trips to pick mushrooms, home renovations on our own, etc.

A man often wonders how to return her feelings if they have cooled down. There are many ways to do this. After all, a man knows his wife like no one else. And so he will definitely find something that will please her. Any woman will like attentiveness and care.

Top 7 ways to get your girl back

I share behavioral strategies that will help you regain the love and interest of your ex-wife or girlfriend. Choose one or mix several, but don’t try to apply everything at once - this will cause confusion rather than a desire to restore the relationship.

Be honest. The best strategy if you are really worried. Come to her or call her, tell it like it is. Think about what you are willing to do to get this relationship back, and say that too. Talk as much as possible - women love to listen, and it is important for them to understand what is going on with you. But do not forget that everything said must be true. If you promise something, keep it. Think in advance what you want to say, what you are ready for, spend at least a few days searching for the right words.
Show how the breakup affected you. This is pressure for pity, but if you frame it correctly and show how you really regret the breakup and suffer from it, there is a high chance of melting her heart and trying to continue the relationship. To produce the desired effect, you look unimportant, speak feelingly, but inaudibly and inappropriately, giving the impression of a person who has lost the most important thing in life.
Return to her differently. Contrasting previous strategy. Wait some time (more than a week), and be calm and confident during the conversation. Tell her that she is very dear to you, and that you have weighed everything and know how to solve the problems that caused you to break up. Emphasize that it is more important than some life principles. Behave like a person who has changed or decided to change: try not to do what usually infuriated her, at least at the stage of the first conversation. The longer you hold out, the greater the chance that everything will work out.
Make them jealous, and then meet them halfway. Make sure she sees you in the company of another girl or even several. Come across as someone who is trying to move on from a breakup in the company of others. Don’t drag out this game: after just a few days or a week, you can come and say that no one has ever had or will have as good a time as she does. In this case, she may be bribed by knowledge of your experience - you really preferred her to other girls.
Get out of her life. Right there, as soon as we separated. Fully. Finally and irrevocably. Don’t get in touch, don’t write or call yourself, don’t answer her. Break off contact as much as possible, do not cross paths or interact at all. Do not let anyone hear news about you - as much as possible. The girl will start to get bored, your complete absence will be a shock for her, and she herself will try to win you back. By deciding to part as friends, you give her a chance to get used to your absence. At least as a young man. And in this situation, she will be so uncomfortable that she herself will take a step towards you, and this way you will force her to return.
Remind her of something good. Write that you remembered one of the pleasant moments in your relationship. Describe it in detail and in such a way that she feels how warmly you remember it and treat her.
Act like a friend. You probably still have something in common - friends, hobbies, maybe even things. Continue to communicate, but do not show her any signs of attention - deliberately maintain a friendly distance. And when she herself wants to break it, let her do it, agree that you would also like to return everything.

How to return your wife's feelings: advice from a psychologist

Women love to talk a lot, it is inherent in them by nature. No matter how tired a man is, he needs to talk to his wife for at least 15 minutes. During the conversation you can find out a lot of interesting things. These may be the reasons why a marriage breaks down. Perhaps the woman has problems with work or health. After all, it’s impossible to understand this without talking.

How to return your wife's cooled feelings?

Every woman has her own burden of grievances. If she does not free herself from them, then negative feelings will continue to eat away at her soul. Immediately after a quarrel, the husband should not ask about the reasons for the upset. It should take a little time. As a result, the signs of frustration will go away, and the man can learn about the offense and find the right words for reconciliation. Even if your spouse says unpleasant things, you don’t need to stop her and argue with her. The husband should ask what solutions to the problem she sees.
Women are often offended that their spouse rarely gives flowers or gifts. Men should not forget memorable dates. Even a small gift will find a warm response in a woman’s soul. Flowers or chocolate can lift even the worst mood.
Women need romance. Typically, warm relationships are present only in the first years of marriage. And then routine and routine lead to the fact that spouses become bored with each other. A man needs to find free time and visit theaters, cinemas, restaurants with his wife, and also travel.
Women need to be praised more often. After all, it won’t be difficult for a man to notice his wife’s beautiful hairstyle or her new dress.
Action is the best way to show your love. A man must help with housework, repairs and provide for the family financially.

Men often ask how to return their wife's cooled feelings. A good result comes from a joint visit to a psychologist. Perhaps the woman herself has been considering this option for a long time, but does not know how to offer it. Many men are afraid and do not want to go to a psychologist to solve their difficulties. They prefer to get bogged down in their own problems rather than let strangers into their affairs. If you suggest that your wife visit a psychologist together, this can make her happy. This will be seen as an attempt to save the marriage.

Get started now

It's never too late to rekindle your feelings, but the sooner you start working on it, the better. If you delay this moment, you will have to deal with more problems, resentments and negativity: “It is always better to take a proactive approach to solving problems in relationships and sex, but this is very difficult for many couples because they do not want to rock the boat.” However, there is a possibility that such conversations will not lead to the desired results. “Couples psychotherapy is not intended to save relationships, but to help people understand their needs and desires. Many relationships exist without intimacy, sex or love, but they can break down at any moment,” says Moyle. It could be a love affair or something more routine like being late at work or being overly involved in your hobby.

What is not recommended to do

When psychologists are asked how to get a relationship back, they do not recommend throwing quarrels and tantrums. This is very annoying and can push a man to break up.

Women should not blackmail their spouse with the idea that he will not be able to see their common children. There is no need to involve third parties in clarifying the relationship: parents, relatives or neighbors.

A public showdown of relationships does not help improve them, but leads to a man’s anger and pushing him away from his wife.

Why did her feelings go away

It is worth understanding that such a serious decision as breaking up with a partner is not made overnight. Your beloved thought a lot before finally making a choice, which means you will have to prove to your significant other for a long time that you are ready to analyze your behavior and eliminate shortcomings, just to be close to her again.

READ How to get your relationship back with your loved one after a breakup?

First, you need to figure out why the girl lost her feelings. The main reasons are:

Excessive jealousy. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you are jealous of your beloved for a handsome guy who shows obvious signs of attention. But if jealousy reaches the point of absurdity, then it only pushes away. Nobody likes total control: reading SMS, requiring passwords from all social networks, listening to telephone conversations, regular video calls to check location, surveillance, constant interrogations.
Lack of common interests. Relationships cannot be sustained by sex alone. If you have nothing to talk about, nothing to discuss and nowhere to go together, then such love is doomed.
Poor financial situation or reluctance to spend money on entertainment. Not a single lady would agree to sit at home all the time, watch movies only on the Internet, walk in the rain or snow, or drive around in the car every evening. From time to time I want to go to the theater, to a concert of my favorite band, to a restaurant, karaoke.
Various companies. If during the entire time of communication you did not introduce your beloved to your friends and did not want to spend time with her company, then it is no wonder that she left. The conclusion that suggests itself: you did not consider her for a serious relationship.
Differences in outlook on life. You are for an open relationship, and your woman hoped for a future together, dreamed of a family and children. When her dreams were shattered, she packed her things and left for a more reliable guy.
Lack of attention. It’s hard to live with a man who doesn’t give compliments, doesn’t say nice words, or gives flowers.

Rudeness, rudeness . If you treated your beloved like a “doormat”, humiliated and insulted her, it is not surprising that she decided to break up with such a person.
Sexual incompatibility, harassment. If there was no intimacy between you yet, but you strongly insisted, this scared him away. When intimacy had already taken place, she might not have been satisfied with your sexual preferences, methods of contraception, lack of foreplay, or behavior in bed.

When the reason for leaving was something from this list, correct your behavior and attitude towards your beloved - and it will be possible to return her. But if the matter is a matter of betrayal or the woman simply fell out of love and found a more worthy person, then it is unlikely that actions on your part will correct the situation.

READ How to get your ex-boyfriend back after a breakup: a selection of effective methods

Recommendations from experts: how to start building relationships

Establishing family relationships is quite difficult, but first the spouses need to understand them. To do this, you need to answer the following questions:

What do spouses expect from a relationship - romance or something more serious? If the latter, then the couple must agree on joint actions. After all, it’s not at all difficult for adults to solve this problem.
Is your home in good condition? If yes, then this will be the solution to all problems. Therefore, it is especially important that the house is always comfortable.
Is each spouse ready to take and give? If not, it will cause big problems in the future.

When women ask specialists whether it is possible to return feelings, they receive an affirmative answer. Only this will require a lot of effort from both spouses.

Secret 4. Realize the changes in yourself

Longing for past feelings for a long time, we remember ourselves as the people we were. Although in reality the dissatisfaction concerns today. It is not always possible to immediately understand how people in a couple have changed, but the important thing is that it was the relationship that made them different. If you had another husband, you would not be the same as you are now. Growing up and wisdom is a necessary stage for a full life, otherwise we would all remain naive and infantile boys and girls. Remember that your luggage is partly the merit of those who are nearby.

How to build renewed relationships

When psychologists advise spouses on how to bring love back into a relationship, they ask them not to allow it to cool down in the future. Women need to maintain high levels of mutual understanding and intimacy.

We should not forget that each partner must have a personal territory. There, each spouse can be alone, thinking about their problems or watching movies.

Partners should have the right to make mistakes. Therefore, there is no point in scolding each other for this.

Secret 1. Remember everything!

The easiest way to return the feelings that once made you choose this particular person as your life partner is to go back to the past. Your memories and feelings will help you with this. What you experienced when he first took you by the hand, invited you on a date, kissed you - all these feelings and circumstances serve as so-called psychological “anchors”.

These could be tunes that you both loved, restaurants or public gardens where your first dates took place. Don’t set yourself the task of resurrecting everything, try to observe what feelings you are experiencing now in the same circumstances. On a romantic trip, looking through photos of your first new year or vacation together, stay together, tell each other about your feelings and think about what you both miss.