Enissophobia: what it is, causes, signs and consequences

Since childhood, you have been an ideal child - you studied well, helped your elders, brought home certificates and medals, trying to achieve admiration and praise. Then you grew up, but your behavior did not change - you continued to please everyone, adapting to other people’s desires and moods. You were so afraid of criticism and negativity that you took any measures just to maintain the friendly disposition of those around you, to gain their recognition and love. Congratulations, your self-esteem is at zero, you are so easily manipulated that it has become a problem. Is it possible to independently get out of this hell into which your complexes have driven you? To begin with, we suggest you figure out why you give other people the right to judge yourself?

Fear of condemnation, how to get rid of it. Fear of judgment

Fear of judgment is one of the main sources of suffering and pain in our lives. Source - Esoterics. Living Knowledge

"Judge not lest ye be judged…"

Many have heard this expression, but few understand it. Basically, this expression is interpreted as follows: “Don’t judge people, and they won’t judge you,” - this, of course, is true, although it is not a fact: even if you don’t judge them, people can still judge you. Although, of course, there will be an order of magnitude fewer such people in your life if you don’t do this yourself.

This means: you will not judge others if you do not judge yourself. If you don't judge yourself, then you don't judge others, and you don't make judgments about anything at all.

Judgments come from the mind, and the mind by its nature is limited, and it cannot comprehend this infinite world, it can only stick labels: “good”, “bad”, “right”, “wrong” and so on - it does not see the essence of things. If you stop judging yourself and, by extension, the world around you, there will be a significant reduction in pain and suffering in your life. Check it out.

Fear of judgment is perhaps the most common form, which is present to one degree or another in almost all of us. Napoleon Hill in his book “Think and Grow Rich” wrote the six most important fears that exist in almost every person, and one of them was the fear of criticism or, in other words, the fear of condemnation.

The most interesting thing is that the fear of condemnation in many people is much stronger than the fear of death.

Your ego always wants to be good in the eyes of others, and only the ego (false self) cares about how others perceive it. Realize that the fear of condemnation is not yours, it is the ego in you that is afraid, not you, this applies to any fear in general, and not just to the fear of condemnation

Know that successful people go their own way, and they don’t care what anyone thinks about them - they are not afraid of judgment. Fear of judgment is normal, but it is unnatural.

Techniques for getting rid of the fear of judgment

Observe it in yourself. Feel it. All emotions and fears most often arise in the abdominal area, less often in the chest area. Here's some advice for you. Provoke this fear in yourself. The best way is to lock yourself in your room so that no one will disturb you, and imagine a situation that activates the fear of judgment within you

At this moment, get out of your head, stop spinning around in your thoughts and pay attention to your sensations, try to feel these sensations, they are often unpleasant. Don't run away from them

Feel these sensations for at least 2-3 minutes

If you can, without distraction, observe your sensations at the moment the fear of judgment is activated in you and keep your attention on these sensations for at least 2-3 minutes, without being distracted by anything, the fear of judgment will disappear and will never bother you again

At the end, to check, it is better to once again imagine the situation that previously activated your fear of condemnation. If fear still remains, we again work according to the above scheme.

What you need to understand is this:

do not judge yourself - as a result, you will not be judged; don’t judge others, you don’t know how this or that person feels, you don’t see the world through his eyes; understand that if people judge you, it is only because they are inclined to judge themselves, take it calmly and do not attach much importance to it; almost every person wants to be approved, this is normal; know that it is the ego in you that is afraid of condemnation, it is for the ego that it is important how people perceive it; if you can't stop being afraid of the fear of being judged, allow yourself to be afraid, don't run away from it, but rather feel it. Ask yourself: who in me is afraid of being judged? Love yourself, and then you won’t care what anyone thinks of you, let people think whatever they want about you, and you just be yourself and don’t worry

Besides, don’t judge people yourself and let people be who they are.

Work on yourself, and you will succeed: the main thing is patience and perseverance.

Read the section Beyond Currents on the esoteric portal naturalworld.guru.

Other people's disapproval is not your problem

Think about this: when does criticism from others hurt you? If you know that you are a great specialist, but some loser doubts your competence, will this hurt you? Most likely, you will laugh and move on because you are confident in your knowledge and experience. Now imagine another situation: are you worried about your appearance or failure in your personal life, will criticism of others in this area have weight for you? Maybe yes. Because you have no support, you constantly punish yourself, which means that even the most absurd remark can seriously offend you.

It turns out that the problem is not in the people around you and their words, but in your distorted perception. People can say anything, if you think their words are true, you react; if not, calmly pass by. Your emotion is your own choice. But why do you give so much importance to other people's words?

Let's remember that the assessments of others are their personal opinions, which are often the result of habits and attitudes learned from childhood. Sometimes other people's beliefs are so stupid and irrational that it is simply ridiculous to believe them. Take a closer look, who is criticizing you? A person who himself cannot start a family, build a career, or realize himself in society? And why then indulge in his provocations? Even if you really made a mistake, remember that everyone makes mistakes, this is normal, this is how we learn, change, move forward. One mistake does not make you a nonentity, unworthy of life. So why give someone else's disapproval such power that it unsettles you and robs you of your dignity? Who are these people to judge you?

How to recognize someone who lives in constant fear of rejection

At the stage when the fear of rejection controls a person, his behavior and attitude towards himself betray his victim completely. Each of these signs suggests that fear of rejection is driving the personality:

Falsity in behavior. A person puts on the mask of “a person pleasant in all respects”, demonstrates those qualities and expresses the opinion that the interlocutor likes.
Subservience. He is afraid to refuse, fulfills the requests of others to his detriment, and is ready to humiliate himself in order to preserve the relationship.
Devaluation of your needs. This is the case when “giving your last shirt away” is not a feat of self-sacrifice, but a risk of remaining naked for the sake of someone else’s approval.
Nervous behavior. Self-doubt and trembling hands reveal a person who does not know what they want from him, and low self-esteem prevents him from being himself.
Passive aggression. When they say that someone is crushed by fear, they mean that they are not a threat. But he is capable of sabotage. In order not to be rejected, a person agrees to fulfill the request, but in fact the result will be zero or negative. This is his cowardly way of saying no. Those who do not have the courage to fight openly will wage a “guerrilla war.”
Giving up competition and your dreams. If you exclude situations from life that can end in rejection, then there will be no pain. Victims of the fear of rejection talk about how their life could have turned out, and what insurmountable obstacles prevented them from realizing it. Often they only think about the possibility of changing their life, but do not act.
Exaggerating your role in the lives of others. The confidence that those around them are constantly discussing their every move, envying their successes or avoiding communication, suggests that the whole life of these people is spent with an eye on others.
Self-fulfilling prophecies. Confidence in failure leads to failure. The constant expectation of pain turns a person into a masochist who himself goes towards suffering. When trouble happens, he is glad that he was right.
Frustration. He analyzes all conversations with people and looks for words or intonations in them that allegedly insult or humiliate him. This person shares his findings with the other person immediately or during the next conversation in order to blame him for the rejection. As a result, he has fewer interlocutors, and frustration increases.
Victim of manipulators. He offends loved ones who offer help with mistrust. At the same time, he becomes an easy victim of manipulators. To gain the trust and control of such people, scammers listen to endless complaints about refusals and condemnations, stories about self-fulfilling prophecies, and a lot of praise.

How to find and tame your inner mammoth

Some people are born with an intelligent tame mammoth, or their upbringing helps keep the mammoth in line. Others never try to tame their mammoth until their death and spend their entire lives following its whims. Most of us are somewhere in the middle: in some life situations we control our mammoth, in others it harms us.

If you are controlled by a mammoth, this does not mean that you are a bad or weak person. You just haven't learned how to control it yet. You may not even know about the existence of a mammoth and that your true Self is huddled in a corner and silent.

Whatever your situation, you must keep the mammoth under control. Here are three steps to help you do this.

Step 1: Check yourself

The first step is to take an honest and fair assessment of what's going on in your head. Here are the three parts of this step.

Get to know your authentic voice

image from the Wait But Why website
It seems simple, but in fact it is very difficult. It takes serious effort to wade through the web of other people's thoughts and opinions and understand your “real self.”

You spend time with a lot of people, which of them do you really like? How do you spend your free time and do you really enjoy all the parts of it?

Are there things you regularly spend money on but don't feel any pleasure from? How do you feel about your work and social status? What are your political beliefs?

Have you thought about this at all? Do you pretend to care about certain things just to have an opinion? Maybe you have your own opinion about some political and moral issues that you have never voiced because people you know will be outraged?

These are common questions for soul searching or self-discovery, but it really needs to be done. Maybe you can think about this right now, wherever you are, or maybe you need a special atmosphere: move away, be alone with yourself and only then plunge into reflection.

Either way, you need to figure out what really matters to you and start being proud of your authentic voice, your “real self.”

Find out where the mammoth is hiding

image from Wait But Why
Most of the time, when a mammoth is under control, the person does not even realize it. But you can't succeed unless you know exactly where the biggest problems are.

The most obvious way to discover the mammoth is to find out where your fears nest, in which area shame and embarrassment most often arise. When you think about any area of life, you are overcome with a terrible feeling, a feeling of failure, and this failure seems like a nightmare. What is this sphere?

You are afraid to start something, even if you know you are good at it. What areas of your life definitely need changes, but you avoid changes in them and do nothing?

The second place where the mammoth hides is in the overly good feelings that arise when you agree with other people. Are you a true people pleaser at work and in your personal life? Are you afraid of the possibility of disagreeing with your parents? Between their pride in you and the opportunity to please yourself, do you choose the former?

The third area where the mammoth hides is when you cannot make decisions without the approval of other people. Or you can, but you feel very uncomfortable. Which of your opinions and beliefs are yours and not other people's? Do you hold these opinions because others say so?

If you introduce your new boyfriend/girlfriend to your family and friends and no one likes your crush, can their attitude change your feelings? Is there a person in your life who controls you like a puppet? If so, who is he and why are you allowing this?

Decide where it's time to take control of the mammoth

image from the website Wait But Why
It’s impossible to completely get the mammoth out of our heads, after all, we are human. But what really needs to be done is to rid some areas of life from its influence that simply must be under the control of your true Self.

These are obvious areas such as choosing a partner, career, and how to raise children. The remaining areas are individual and are determined through a simple question: “In what areas of life should I be completely honest with myself?”

Step 2: Be brave, the mammoth has a low IQ

True woolly mammoths were stupid enough to go extinct, and the survival of social mammoths is no better. Even though they are chasing us, mammoths are stupid, primitive creatures who do not understand the modern world.

Feel and realize this deeply. This is the key to subduing your mammoth. There are two good reasons not to take your mammoth seriously.

The mammoth's fears are irrational

The mammoth has five global errors.

→ Everyone is talking about me and my life, and just think what they will all say if I do this risky or strange thing!

This is how a mammoth thinks:

image from Wait But Why website

And here's what it actually looks like:

image from Wait But Why website

No one cares about how you live and what you do. People for the most part think only about themselves.

→ If I try, I can please everyone.

Yes, this can happen if you live in a tribe of 40 people united by the same culture. But in the modern world, it doesn’t matter who you are or how you behave. Some people will love you, others will hate you or just dislike you.

If some people approve of you, you infuriate others. So having a strong desire to please one group of people is illogical and wrong, especially if you don't strongly support their views. You make extraordinary efforts to please one group of people, and at the same time other people who could become true friends will not wait for your company.

→ If they judge me, look down on me, or say nasty things about me, this will cause serious consequences in my life.

The person who is judging you or your actions is not even in the same room as you, or at least not directly next to you. In 99.7% of cases this happens. It is a classic mammoth mistake to imagine social consequences that are much worse and worse than what actually happens. In reality, other people's opinions mean practically nothing and do not affect life in any way.

→ People judging me matter.

This is what goes on in the minds of people who like to judge others: they are completely under the control of a mammoth and are looking for the same mammoth puppet friends. The favorite pastime of such people is to get together and wash everyone’s bones.

Maybe they're jealous, and bad-mouthing other people helps them feel a little less jealous. Or they just like to wallow in schadenfreude. In any case, these condemnatory tirades serve as excellent food for the mammoth.

When judging someone, gossipers always end up on the other, “right side” and feel white and fluffy. It's unpleasant to realize that at your expense someone feels beautiful and pure, but in reality it has no effect on your life.

image from Wait But Why website

Other people's conversations and gossip do not concern you, they concern only the gossipers and their fattened mammoths. If you find yourself making decisions with an eye on gossipers out of fear that they will judge you, realize what is happening in time and stop.

→ I will be a bad person if I disappoint or offend the people who love me and have invested so much in me.

No. You won't be a bad person, son or friend if you listen to the real you. There is one simple rule: if they truly love you and are not selfishly taking advantage of you, they will accept whatever makes you happy and will come back to you.

Well, if you're happy and they don't think to come, here's what's happened: their strong feelings about who you should be and what you should do are an echo of their mammoths, and they're upset because they're worried about what they'll say about it other people. They allow their mammoth to conquer their love for you, which means they have no place in your life.

And two more reasons why the mammoth's fearful obsession with social approval makes no sense.

A. You live here.

image from Wait But Why website

What could possibly matter?

Q. Both you and everyone you know will die. And pretty soon.

image from Wait But Why website

So, all the mammoth’s fears are irrational, because he is stupid. And here is the second reason.

Fear of rejection is harmful to life

Fear is like a beacon that warns of danger. If the beam is too bright, it hits the eyes and the helmsman becomes disorientated. Paralyzing fear destroys what they are afraid of losing.

Man strives for pleasure and avoids pain. The pain of losing health, family, home and life itself is equal in significance to the suffering of losing respect, affection, money and power over people. The fear of being rejected came from the fear of losing love, and losing favor meant in primitive times expulsion from the tribe. Thus, genetic memory equates the fear of rejection with the fear of dying of hunger alone.

If a man is refused by the woman he loves, this will not cause him to die of starvation. But suicide is possible if this man has inflated the price of a particular woman’s love to the price of his own life. The sufferer is not satisfied with the real reason for her refusal, he comes up with his own - he is not worthy of the love of any woman. Thus, the fear of future failures kills him.

Fear of Judgment: What will people think of me?

For some people, it is enough to realize the reasons that once triggered the fear of condemnation in order to get rid of it.

Like most other psychological problems, the fear of criticism has its roots in childhood, when our self-image was built on the reactions of our parents and those in their surrogate to us. In the eyes of an inexperienced child, parents are some kind of powerful wizards, all-knowing beings. Their words and reactions have enormous power over him.

Based on the emotions that adults intentionally or unknowingly demonstrate, the child receives information about how correct his or others’ actions are. At the same time, incoming information in early childhood is generally one-sided. It comes from the parent, who performs an educational function, or is the result of a preliminary agreement between father and mother on how to respond to the child’s behavior. The child has no alternative view of the situation.

As you grow older, the source of value orientations changes. The reference group becomes friends, work colleagues, and the religious community. But in general, the situation remains the same - anyone is an authority for a person, but not himself.

The directive style of parenting adds fuel to the fire: they are not interested in the child’s feelings and desires. How can he know that his view of the world is no less important than the opinion of his parents?

Moreover, for expressing disagreement with the point of view of adults, a child can be punished. Physically weak and dependent on the care of his parents, the child finds no other way out but to try to please them in everything. The fear of dying transforms into an irrational fear of losing the approval of other people, even at an age when a person is already able to take care of himself.

Another prerequisite for the development of fear of criticism is the constantly instilled feeling of guilt in the child for the negative emotions of the parents. The habit of seeing oneself as the cause of another person’s anger or disappointment does not go away with age and transforms into a fear of condemnation.

The age regression method will help to identify the main reason for the obsessive fear of condemnation and criticism. More details here:

Ways to break the habit of judging

Everyone knows that the habit of judgment can bring trouble. In accordance with the Universal laws, those who judge another, criticize, gossip, in fact, after a period of time find themselves in the role of a victim of criticism, accusations, etc. Therefore, it would be better to decide to get rid of such a habit in your life. Here are some tips on how to do this:

If you want to gossip or make a remark to a person, you can speak more softly, replacing rudeness with a certain characteristic. To stop gossip, empty chatter about someone, you need to use, for example, the phrase: “We must feel love and respect for every person!” And you need to speak with a smile to be convincing. People who began to judge others in front of you can be distracted from such a conversation or leave the room. There are situations when a person simply needs to share his opinion with someone close to him.

This is not prohibited, but you should not focus on personal feelings, but speak with facts and arguments. In the case of people's behavior that does not affect our lives, we should not judge or criticize. No one is immune, tomorrow you can find yourself in the place of the subject of criticism

There is no point in inviting trouble on yourself. Critical remarks and talking behind a person’s back can be replaced with advice if you are sure that he does not realize the wrongness of his action, lifestyle, etc. Such people may not understand your good intentions, but you will definitely feel much better than gossiping behind your back.

Work on yourself and expand the boundaries of your knowledge by communicating with other individuals. You should get rid of stereotypes and accepted rules of “your circle”, learning to be far-sighted. Each person has their own view on different things, and this requires respect. Before becoming a judge to others, we need to remember modesty and the fact that no one authorized us to do such an action. And most importantly, you need to take care of your life and your loved ones so that you don’t have time to see other people’s mistakes. And you can talk to your relatives about anything, but don’t gossip.

Fear of others' judgment

According to psychologists, this feeling is a common form of phobia. At the maximum level of nervous tension, we become highly sensitive. We feel the presence of an outside observer, we feel like we are an object of criticism and evaluation behind our backs.

How to get rid of fear? First of all, you should be sure to recognize the presence of envy in your life. Many compensate for such weakness by constant condemnation.

But such actions may indicate that you are capable of doing something that gossipers actually cannot. And besides, it testifies to your development and personal growth. Criticism often accompanies envy, and on the other hand, it often accompanies success. And we must remember that you cannot be a positive hero for everyone. Almost all of us are afraid of other people's judgments to some extent, but nervous and sensitive people tend to engage in self-criticism, torturing themselves internally, and this can greatly harm their health.

How to stop paying attention to another person's opinion?

To do this, you need:

Understand the reasons for paying attention to other people's opinions - isn't it actually a search for support with approval due to a lack of self-confidence? Understand and accept that you do not know the true emotions and thoughts of others, which means they should not bother you. Train your confidence, which will help you gain faith in your own correct thinking, and will also give you the opportunity to stop caring about other people’s opinions. It is important to be able to refuse and choose the right priority. Draw a circle of what you like, your aspirations and dreams, and clearly set goals for yourself. To achieve what you want, do not allow yourself to be interfered with by those around you who are not competent in certain areas. You can take the best advice that others give you, as long as you trust them completely. You should remember that other people's thoughts are harmless, so there is no reason to worry about what they say around you

You are able to not allow other people's opinions to disrupt your life plans. Dependence on other people's opinions can be removed by changing your way of thinking. You need to concentrate your attention on the important areas of your life, and not on constantly worrying about the opinions of judgmental people.

We are given one rather short life, it needs to be spent achieving important goals, and not wasting it on empty experiences. Still have questions? Our specialists will help you understand them.

How to stop judging people How to stop judging people /image.php?width=800&height=500&cropratio=1.6:1&image=/static/uploads/5e54d3c6dee25.jpg 2020-01-01

I have heard so much slander against you that I have no doubt: you are a wonderful person!
O. Wilde
We often encounter criticism of various kinds in our lives, which, for the most part, is not adequate. This criticism, in fact, characterizes the person from whose lips it comes! Criticism can be constructive or destructive. In this article we will focus more on the second.

First of all, it is important to note that all the people around us come into our lives for nothing. These are a kind of teachers who pass on certain knowledge to us and make us more experienced and wiser. Our environment is our reflection, our mirrors. If you don’t like something in a person: actions, character, various manifestations, whatever - look why it still doesn’t work for you!

Expression: “If I change myself, the world changes me!” - this is not just an expression, it is a law of life! Everything starts to work only when you start changing yourself! To understand how this law works, I sometimes give the following task at my trainings: Go out into the street and hug 20 random people! Just give it a hug, you need to do it for 15 minutes. Interesting fact: not everyone can do this, although there is nothing complicated here. Why do you think? Precisely because they scroll a lot of negative thoughts in their heads, instead of just taking it and doing it!

First of all, the fear of criticism, the fear of being judged by other people, the fear of being funny in the eyes of others begins to work here. This exercise is one of the simplest, yet it clearly and at the level of sensations shows the basic laws of the universe. The conclusions to which it is intended to lead a person are the following:

As I am, so is the world around me! That is: I am open and people are open, I am positive and people are positive, I am a giver and people are givers! And so on…
Like attracts like. Two drops of water attract and merge into one. A drop of water and a drop of oil do not have this possibility. Here we need an emulsifier, in our case they can be served by a positive attitude and a smile - they are contagious!
What you give is what you get! If you convey uncertainty, fear, doubt and melancholy, or, even worse, have a selfish interest, people feel it and are not willing to make contact, and most often avoid it. But if on the contrary: you are open, confident, positive, have good and good intentions, then, as a rule, people are happy to make contact!

In what mood are you performing this exercise?
It is very important! One of the fears that slows down the path to achieving goals is the fear of criticism or fear of condemnation, that is, the fear of looking bad in the eyes of others. This fear is present in any normal person. Let's first figure out where it comes from? It was tightly built into us in various social institutions, such as: family, kindergarten, school, university, environment, media, and so on.

How? Since childhood, we have been taught to live up to the expectations of adults. Since childhood, we have heard: “Boys don’t cry!”, “Girls don’t behave like that!”, “Do well at school and go to college, you’ll find a good job!”, “If you don’t listen, you’ll get it!” and the universal: “If you do this..., then it will be like this...!” And the child gets used to meeting the expectations of adults, because if he does everything “right”, he will be praised and this is pleasant. The principle of positive incentive works. And if they are convicted, it threatens with punishment!

As a result, in the process of growing up, he is afraid to leave his comfort zone, which was formed for him by the social institutions that I listed above. And a person, as an adult, on a subconscious level tries to please others. Which in itself is not possible if you have the intention to grow and develop!

Fear of condemnation kills initiative in a person. No matter what you do and no matter how you do it, you will still be criticized. There will always be those who don't like what you do. It’s impossible to please everyone, and you don’t need to! Not everyone likes even kittens. Look at those who criticize and at their surroundings, everything will immediately become clear. As a rule, you won’t find positive reviews about such people unless they left them themselves! Like attracts like! Do you remember?

Make it your basic rule to NEVER CRITICISE ANYONE! This is the prerogative of weak and insecure people!

So how to deal with criticism? Several tools:

When criticizing, suggest, suggest - do it! Do you know this rule? People are divided into two types: those who do and those who talk. You belong to the first type, so keep creating. The dog barks, the caravan moves on!
If you are criticized, you are ahead! You just hurt someone's feelings, made someone's dream come true, and someone is trying to compensate for their weakness by criticizing you.
You are a dissenter! You don't do things like everyone else! This is a leadership quality and it is good. Keep up the good work! All great people were criticized and ridiculed, nevertheless, their names entered the history of mankind. And no one will remember those who criticize.
High minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, low minds discuss people! Draw conclusions. Strong and self-respecting people will not spread rumors and spoil things in the comments.
Remember the attitude: “Everyone who likes me is wonderful and adequate people. I love and respect them. Whoever doesn’t like me is their problem and their opinion doesn’t interest me!”
As a rule, those who criticize are always in a significant minority; if on the contrary, you are doing something wrong.
If the criticism is constructive, great! You have been shown the direction of growth!
The higher you go, the stronger the wind blows! This means that the greater your success, the more people will be dissatisfied with you. Their number increases in proportion to your success.. So, this is a natural process!

Do what you can and know how, with what you have, right now!
Don't think - just do it! How to get rid of the fear of criticism, and indeed of any fears?

I will share with you, dear friend, a universal formula that I always use myself, it will help you change your life!

Each person has only two motives that push him to actions of one kind or another: obtaining pleasure and avoiding pain. The fact is that the motive to avoid pain is many times stronger than the motive to gain pleasure. If you still don't do something in your life, it's because you associate more pain with these actions than pleasure!

Every time fear manifests itself, you scare yourself by making up all sorts of stories and losing situations. For example, the question: “What will happen if I do this?” in your head sounds like: “What BAD will happen if I do this?” Thus, you create imaginary pain, which makes you avoid action!

We have already learned to frighten ourselves negatively! Fear, in fact, is a very powerful resource, let's turn it to our advantage and let it work for us, not against us! Since the motive for avoiding pain is so strong, then let’s now scare ourselves in the right direction: “What will happen if I DO NOT do this?” Thus, we create a motive to avoid pain from inaction, from avoidance. This is where fear starts working for you!

There is another less stressful option, the task of which is to connect the actions that you are avoiding with pleasure. Ask yourself the following question: “What GOOD thing will happen if I do this?” Find at least 3 reasons, and preferably 5. This is where fear begins to recede! Apply this formula by replacing the perceived pain of action with pleasure, which will allow you to accomplish what scares you. You will be pleasantly surprised how cool this technique works!

Now everything that you fear most can be easily accomplished thanks to this formula, but always remember that FEAR IS A DIRECTION INDICATION! Exactly what scares you is what you need to do! Firstly, you will receive incomparable pleasure from overcoming fear, and secondly, often behind your greatest fear lies your destiny, which is just waiting for your decisive action to open up for you!

If you read to the end, then this is important to you! And I suggest that you definitely complete the following tasks:

During today, you need to do a very interesting and enjoyable exercise to work through the fear of criticism: you need to hug at least 30 people, taking into account the moments that I described above! Allow a maximum of one hour of time for all this! Monitor your internal dialogue! Then evaluate the result! At the very least, you will make the people you hug a little happier! When you consciously complete this task, you will catch several insights at the level of sensations! Approach only those that you simply would not approach! There must be girls and boys of different social levels!
Take 30 minutes today and write down everything that is important to you, but you are afraid to do. What are you constantly putting off? What baffles you? Select from the list received the three main points that scare you the most, but are the most important for you! Write 3-5 advantages of each of these actions, answering the question: “What good will happen if I do this?”

As soon as you complete the task, write to me about your results here: https://vk.com/vasdvas.
I wish you success, the brightest achievements and the fulfillment of all goals in your life story, which you write every day! I believe in your success, it is inevitable!

Author: Dmitry Vasiliev Success coach, motivational speaker, head of the Dmitry Vasiliev training center.

Judgment: Why do we judge others?

One of the types of vanity is condemnation.
In Orthodoxy it is also considered a grave human sin. It means to disapprove or blame someone or something. Everyone understands perfectly well that this is a bad habit. Unfortunately, many people have it. After all, in fact, it is so easy to condemn someone, to “wash out all the bones” of every person who has not pleased you with something, etc. This can be gossip, idle chatter, expressing an opinion behind the back of the subject of discussion. When it becomes a habit, when everyone around you is busy gossiping and criticizing, it’s difficult to stop doing it, even if you really want to. It is difficult, but possible, to look at the environment, as well as at situations and at oneself, with a detached and benevolent look. Everyone can share their opinion with a friend, loved one, family member, but without judging, blaming, or criticizing. It should be remembered that, firstly, this is not correct in relation to people (the objects of our judgment), and secondly, we ourselves may find ourselves in their place. We all know that it is easy to label others, it is much more difficult not to judge anyone.

But if we mentally put ourselves in their shoes and think about how others perceive and criticize us, we will immediately stop, or at least try to do so. According to psychologists, people have a tendency to judge in conditions of particular vulnerability, in a situation where they themselves need support. Such people easily judge others and quickly react with criticism to the mistakes of their interlocutor, considering these to be completely natural phenomena.

Why evaluate people from your surroundings, and in most cases, negative ones? From the point of view of the American psychologist Adler, in this way people increase their own importance, their self-esteem. And this is simply vital for them to confirm their non-involvement in those condemned people and circumstances. This devaluing action is akin to a pre-emptive strike. What’s interesting is that the more we judge others, the more doubts we have in ourselves.

Signs

Enissophobe personality traits:

diffidence,
low self-esteem,
chronic feelings of guilt,
passivity,
isolation,
dependence on other people's opinions.

Enissophobe tries to please everyone. He does not dare to express his opinion and does not take the initiative. Fear of criticism makes him inactive and subservient to others. If an enissophobe has to do something, he tries to do it perfectly. People who are afraid of criticism tend to be perfectionists.

If someone criticizes an enissophobe, the latter may have a panic attack. At this time, somatic reactions are observed:

nausea,
sweating,
headache,
dizziness,
paleness,
chills,
tremor of the limbs,
pressure surges,
arrhythmia,
tachycardia,
confusion.

At such moments, the patient wants to run away, “to fall through the ground.” Sometimes enissophobes show aggression towards those who criticize.

It is important! There are two behavioral models of enissophobes: avoidance and passivity, activity and aggressiveness. The first ones are afraid of doing something wrong, so they decide to do nothing

The latter, as a defense, defend their innocence, do not acknowledge criticism, and attack in response.

Pay attention to culture

According to Edmondson, fear thrives in hierarchical organizations: “People understand that their fate lies in the hands of a higher power, and they worry more about how not to offend them than about how to benefit the company.”

Also be wary of strategies that may keep people silent, Dye says. “If your company has teams competing with each other, sharing information with colleagues will be a disadvantage. It’s better when employees compete against an external metric,” he said.

A company's competitive advantage always lies in talent, so overcoming the fear of speaking up is vital, says Dye. “Organizations need creativity and ingenuity - people who want to solve problems and improve the company

If you achieve this, you will have a huge advantage over your competitors,” he says.

In short, you can change circumstances for the better.

One of the most common reasons people don't speak up is because they don't believe in their ability to make a difference. Why try to say something if it won't do any good? This logic of action (or rather inaction) is doomed to failure in advance. The only way to check how indifferent your opinion is to others is to express it and not remain silent.

After speaking, you can evaluate the reaction to your words. A proactive stance can also reveal management's lack of awareness of the problem itself. It is quite possible that there is a danger that the boss does not know about, and that is why he does not take any measures to eliminate it. There is a possibility that the brave person who dared to make the hidden information public will be entrusted with leading the work to eliminate the bottleneck. This can also be approached differently, but for an enterprising employee this is a great opportunity to express himself, and as a result, make a career leap, sometimes simply sky-high. Maybe it's worth taking a risk?

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Simple techniques for overcoming the fear of criticism

When communicating with a negative person, imagine a thick invisible wall between you and your interlocutor that reliably protects you. Imagine all his caustic remarks as arrows or bullets flying in your direction, which hit the wall and fall to the floor without harming you at all. This simple technique will help you emotionally separate from the aggressor and maintain peace of mind.

Try repeating the following affirmations regularly until they become your personal beliefs:

I have the right to make mistakes;
perfection is unattainable;
I enjoy the praise of others, but I do not need their approval to be happy;
like any living being, I deserve only love and approval, but those around me are not obliged to surround me with such emotions;
my needs are as important as the other person's desires;
everyone is responsible for what they feel.

It can take many months to work on your fear, even if you seek the help of a psychologist. To get faster results and strengthen the effect obtained from independent work on yourself, try self-hypnosis:

What are childhood fears

Fear is a feeling that arises in response to threatening factors.
At the heart of adult and children's fear is the innate instinct of self-preservation. Psychologists identify basic threats that provoke fears - threats to life values and directly to a person’s life.

Children's fears are a feeling that is usually not associated with an actual threat. They are based on information received by children from adults and passed through the prism of fantasies and imagination.

Often, children's fear is provoked by phenomena that usually do not cause anxiety in adults. We can talk about some heroes of fairy tales and so on. The appearance of children's fears may arise due to certain prohibitions that are incomprehensible to the baby or suggestions from peers.

Within a month, children's fear usually goes away, but in some individuals it becomes fixed in the mind. In this case, the psychologist conducts special sessions with the baby, using various methods of psychocorrection. If these worries are not dealt with in time, they can remain until adulthood. As an example, we can name the fear of heights and darkness.

How to fight

To get rid of enissophobia, you need to get rid of complexes, allow yourself to make mistakes, and learn to learn from mistakes. Psychologists do not recommend self-medication. Enissophobia is a complex problem that is associated with a number of other psychological problems. This is not a typical type of phobia.

Independent struggle

Realize that criticism is normal and healthy. Ask other people about how someone's comments, suggestions, or advice helped them grow personally or professionally.

In order to get rid of enissophobia, you need to work with the personality traits on which it is based:

shyness, including timid movements, shifting eyes, etc.;
imbalance in behavior, emotions, voice;
weak character;
inability to refuse, express one’s opinion and defend it;
indecision;
inability to clearly formulate one’s thoughts and desires;
imitation of other people;
exaggeration of one's merits and qualities;
lack of initiative.

You need to work on these features, but the main forces need to be directed to working through psychological trauma. For this it is better to consult a psychologist. It's not just about complexes and self-doubt. You live according to a destructive parental scenario. It is impossible to get out of it on your own.

Help from a psychologist

The goal of psychotherapy is to teach a person to learn from his mistakes and perceive them as the norm. The client must understand that everything can always be corrected, taken into account next time, rethought. Psychotherapy is aimed at developing the client’s will and confidence, self-love, and positive thinking. The main method is psychoanalysis, individual psychoconsultations. To correct personality traits, practice and develop skills, practical exercises and training assignments are selected.

The psychocorrection program is selected individually. Approximate psychocorrection plan (reference points):

Forgive your parents.
Accept and love yourself.
Think positively.
Determine your goals in life, your needs, abilities, opportunities.
Draw up an action plan to achieve goals and self-realization.
Transform weaknesses into strengths, strengths, opportunities.

I'm afraid to see a psychologist - what are the main reasons?

There are thousands of reasons that provoke fear of a psychologist. But they all boil down to 7 main problems that are caused by prejudice, as well as the banal lack of culture of turning to a psychologist.

Fear of falling into the hands of an incompetent specialist

While a person is afraid to go to a psychologist, because he might end up with a “bad specialist,” he is not looking for a “suitable one.” This is the main thing to understand. Unfortunately, in psychotherapy there are incompetent psychologists, but this is not a reason to refuse help altogether. To avoid making a mistake with your choice, you need to pay attention to:

the personality of the specialist, his values and priorities;
quality education;
professional, personal growth;
experience.

You can find such information on our website, as well as read reviews and select several of the most sympathetic candidates. After the first session, it will become clear whether you want to open up and trust this specialist or not. If something confuses you, discomfort appears during communication, even if you simply don’t like the voice, you should not continue consultations, but return to the search. This is extremely important, because without complete trust and mutual understanding, quality work will not work.

Shame

The situation when a person is afraid to go to a psychologist because of shame is very common. This is the fear of appearing demoralized, defamed, and being ridiculed. Fear of facing misunderstanding, condemnation and censure. Therefore, a person tries to suppress the problem and switch attention to something else. But the negativity accumulates and, having no way out, transforms into a mental disorder.

It is always difficult to admit something shameful. But the work of a psychologist is not to evaluate actions or educate an adult personality, but to correctly interpret and accept one’s feelings. In psychology there is no division into black and white, there is no good and bad. There is a person with his own feelings, problems and ways to solve them. Not a single psychologist in the world will ever evaluate actions, much less condemn them. The fear of going to a psychologist is just as irrational as attempts to ignore the problem.

Fear of change

On the one hand, a person understands and recognizes the need for change, but on the other hand, he tries to stay in his comfort zone. That is, he subconsciously adheres to the “status quo”, trying to maintain the stability of his usual way of life. This gives an imaginary sense of confidence in the future, because any changes imply destabilization. Therefore, many are simply afraid to go to a psychologist. This situation is one of the fundamental paradoxes of the human psyche.

The second main problem is the encounter with the “stagnation” phase - when a person does not take any action, even having a clear plan. Constantly looking for excuses, waiting for a more convenient opportunity. This is due to intrapersonal conflict - the struggle with doubts, anxiety, confusion.

The stage of uncertainty and hesitation is an absolutely normal and natural process. Accepting changes and achieving harmony is possible only when a person is ready for them. Therefore, you should not be afraid to go to a psychologist. Indeed, at this stage, the help of a specialist is simply irreplaceable. Firstly, it will help overcome the phase of “stagnation”, and, secondly, it will prepare you for future changes. Otherwise, the person will simply be “thrown out” into new conditions, which will entail disorientation and increase the feeling of helplessness. This will have an extremely negative impact not only on the adaptation process, but also on the emotional state.

Fear of becoming dependent on therapy

Fear of a psychologist is sometimes dictated by fears of developing addiction. Addiction is an obsessive need (infatuation) that provokes certain actions. In the case of psychotherapy, it is expressed as a feeling of safety and comfort only during the session, next to the psychologist. But as soon as the client leaves the threshold, nervousness, internal discomfort and tension increase. Conversations with a psychologist become a drug that the client strives for again and again. Sessions turn into dates, and the psychologist becomes a kind of “guru”.

In psychotherapy, such cases occur very often and are common routine situations in the practice of any psychologist. But an experienced specialist can easily identify such a condition, help the client understand it and cope with it painlessly. Therefore, the fear of going to a psychologist due to the development of addiction is irrational.

Fear of being disappointed

Idealization of a specialist and inflated demands.
It is necessary to accept a simple truth: psychologists are people too, with all the ensuing consequences. The specificity of psychological practice is that the specialist works with his own personality. And a person can either sympathize or cause antipathy.
In everyday life, the concepts of “like and dislike” are perceived adequately. You need to adhere to the same principle when choosing a specialist. If you don’t like one psychologist, you shouldn’t give in to negative emotions and give up. And find exactly “one of your own”, with whom it will be comfortable and easy to communicate, who you will want to trust.
Misunderstanding of the process of psychological consultation itself.

In this case, the fear of psychologists is caused by misconceptions about the work of a specialist:

waiting for a “miracle” - the negativity will disappear, the pain will never return, everything will remain in the past and a new happy life will begin. And without any special effort, as if by magic. But that doesn't happen. It is impossible to remove bad memories, turn off any feeling or erase a certain event from memory;
the psychologist will provide an easy solution to any problem - only the person himself can solve the problem, and the psychologist only points in the right direction. The solution is not always simple, especially if the problem has been “ripening” for many years. This is serious work on yourself: changing your worldview, behavior and beliefs;
psychological counseling is a service that is provided promptly and quickly resolves all issues - even the most experienced and qualified specialist will not solve in one session a problem that has been developing over the years and is deep in the client’s mind.

Fear of looking inside yourself

Another reason why people are afraid to go to a psychologist is the fear of meeting their own “I”. It is dictated by the protective mechanism of the psyche, which tries to protect consciousness from negativity. After all, meeting reality often involves recognizing the truth from which a person has been running in every possible way. Sometimes the truth is so ugly that a person is afraid of not being able to cope with the subsequent pain.

The situation is further aggravated by the fact that the psychological defense mechanism forces a person to avoid or ignore any information that contains even a shred of truth. Because of this, feedback with the outside world is disrupted, facts are distorted, and the person begins to live in a fictional world.

To cope with this, you need to turn subconscious fear into conscious fear. And do it correctly, so as not to further harm the psyche. This is a painstaking and intricate work that only a specialist can handle. Therefore, it is extremely important to overcome your fear of a psychologist and take the first step towards qualified help.

Fear of wasting money

“I’m afraid to go to a psychologist because there is no guarantee of results, and the money will be wasted” is a diametrically incorrect attitude to the situation. Taking care of your mental health is an investment in yourself. Along with education, sports and even food. The result depends not only on the work of the psychologist, but also on the client himself.

You can understand whether consultations help or not after several sessions: some points will become clearer, changes in psychological mood will appear, behavior and attitude towards certain things will change. At the first stage, such changes will not be significant, but they will definitely happen. If they are not there, change the specialist, and do not give up consultations.

To solve this problem, we created our service, in which the first 20 minutes of communication with a psychologist are free, so that the client can choose the psychologist that suits him. Leave a request on this page and our psychologist will contact you within 5 minutes.

Fear of social condemnation. How to stop being afraid of other people's judgment: 4 ways

People are sometimes ready to commit self-destruction just to avoid the condemnation and negative assessment of other people.

They don't tell people what they want to tell them. They prefer to remain silent. They are afraid to tell their loved ones about their true desires. They do not require a salary increase. They won’t reschedule a meeting or tell you where they’d like to go for dinner.

This fear of judgment stems from the desire to be liked by other people all the time. But since this is impossible, this hopeless game prevents people from freely expressing and manifesting their true selves.

Let's face it, people are always judging others - good/bad, like/dislike, and the like. As new information comes in, the human mind again re-evaluates everything. And this is a continuous process.

Instead of avoiding the issue by saying nothing about your preferences and working overtime to avoid criticism, you can work on accepting things as they come.

Here are 4 ways to help you stop living in fear of judgement:

Nothing lasts forever

The reality is that the human brain has a limited supply of data. Although we may judge, these judgments are not important enough to remain in our memory forever. So when someone judges you, most likely a moment or a day later, he or she will have forgotten what they told you.

We build our opinions about people based not on the mistakes and failures we observe, but on the more significant things they do and say. We take into account how they behave with us and how they make us feel over time.

Criticism is inevitable

Stop trying to control the judgment of others. You cannot control the thoughts of others. They may not express their criticism. However, this does not mean that they can stop the physiological brain process.

Instead, try to explain how you feel. The people you open up to should understand this and show you empathy. Compassion is the Achilles heel of judgment.

People forget about judgment when they show compassion to each other because they put themselves in the other person's shoes.

Let them condemn

You can free yourself if you allow judgment to be present in your intimate relationships. Instead of not allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, and not sharing something that is negative but important to you, do it anyway.

If you notice that the fear of judgment does not allow you to be yourself, first ask yourself: “What kind of judgment am I afraid of if I open up to people?”

Once you understand what exactly you are afraid of, try to calm yourself and find a way in which you can manage your fear.

Remind yourself that when you risk being judged and open up to people, you create closer relationships with them. If your openness is not appreciated, this does not mean that you did something wrong. This means that the person with whom you tried to establish a connection is not capable of an emotionally close relationship.

Pay attention to your own judgments

There is no better way to stop paying attention to the judgments of others than to start judging yourself and less of others. Of course, judgments are inevitable

However, watch what you say when you think about the people and events that happen in your life.

Change the direction of your judgments from “she sucks” or “he’s a loser.”

Ask yourself:

What influence does a person have on you?
What do you want to avoid or realize in the future?

For example: “She never fulfills her obligations towards me.”

Or, “He tells me he tries, but I always end up disappointed.”

Stop focusing on the good and bad qualities of the people around you. Start thinking about what is good or bad for you personally.

Irrational obsession with public opinion

There are no random events in evolution, and to understand the real reason for this madness, let's go back to 50,000 BC. e., when your distant ancestor lived in a small tribe.

Being part of this tribe is very important to him, his survival depends on it. Ancient people hunt together, protect each other, and outcasts die. So for your distant ancestor, there is nothing more important than agreement with his fellow tribesmen, especially with authoritative alpha males.

If he does not agree with everyone and please the people of his tribe, he will be considered strange, annoying and unpleasant, and then he will be kicked out of the tribe altogether and left to die alone.

If he pursues a woman from his tribe and their relationship ends before it begins, she will tell all the women in the tribe about his failure. And all the women with whom he could have a relationship, having learned about the failure, will also reject him.

So staying in society at that time was everything, and everything was done to ensure that you were accepted.

Many years have passed, but social hysteria continues to torment people. Now we don’t need approval from every person so much, but the search for social approval and the paralyzing fear of not being liked by other people seems to have remained in our genes and does not think of disappearing anywhere.

Let's call this obsession the social survival mammoth, or the inner mammoth. It looks something like this:

image from Wait But Why website

For your distant cave ancestor, having an inner mammoth was the key to survival and prosperity. It was simple: feed the mammoth well with social approval and carefully monitor his fears about disagreement, and everything will be fine.

This system worked perfectly well 50,000 BC. e. And 30,000 BC. e., and even 20,000 years after that. But gradually society changed, and with it the needs changed. But biology has not had time to adapt to it, which is strange, until now.

Our body and our mind are still made as if we were to live in 50,000 BC. e. This cave style of survival in society is no longer relevant, but it continues to torment us.

Now, in 2014, we continue to be haunted by a large, hungry and timid mammoth who still thinks like he did in 50,000 BC. e.

Otherwise, why are you going through four outfits, but can’t decide what to wear?

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth's nightmares about bad experiences with the opposite sex made your ancestors cautious and smart, but now the mammoth's advice makes you simply indecisive and pathetic.

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth interferes with the impulses of creativity and does not allow itself to express itself due to fear of failure.

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth constantly has outbursts of fear, he is afraid of public reproach, and this plays a huge role in many areas of life.

This is the reason why you are afraid to go to a restaurant or to the cinema alone, because it is strange. The reason is that parents worry too much about what college their child will go to. The reason for marriages without love and a lucrative career without dedication and passion for their work.

The mammoth must be fed, and fed constantly. He thrives on approval and the feeling that he is on the right side of any moral or social dilemma.

Why else would you choose your Facebook photos so carefully? Why do you brag to your friends, even if you later regret it?

Society has an interest in maintaining this mammoth-dependent model. It introduces titles and awards, the very concept of prestige, to keep the mammoth happy and force people to do essentially unnecessary things and live flawed lives that they would never have chosen if not for the mammoth.

In addition, the mammoth wants to adapt and be like everyone else. He looks around all the time to understand what other people are doing, and when he understands, he immediately copies their behavior. To see this, just look at the photographs of two college graduations from different years.

image from Wait But Why website

An “acceptable” prestigious education also became part of the mammoth’s food.

image from Wait But Why website

Sometimes the mammoth focuses not on the general public, but on winning the approval of the puppeteer. This is a person or group of people whose opinion means SO much to you that it actually determines every aspect of your life.

Often parents or ringleaders in the company of friends become puppeteers. You can even make someone you don’t know very well or even a celebrity you don’t know your puppeteer (as teenagers often do).

We desire the approval of our puppeteer more than any other, and are terrified at the thought of disappointing or upsetting him.

In such a poisonous relationship with the puppet master, your opinions and moral beliefs are completely his, and it depends on him what they will be.

And while so much thought and energy is spent on the needs of the inner mammoth, there is someone else constantly present in your brain. It is always in the very center of your Self - this is your authentic voice.

image from Wait But Why website

Your authentic voice knows everything about you. In contrast to the strict dualism of a simple mammoth, for which there is only white and black, the authentic voice is comprehensive and complex, sometimes not very clear, constantly evolving and not knowing fear.

Your authentic voice has its own moral principles, which are based on experience, feelings and personal views, on compassion and honesty.

He knows how you feel about money, family and relationships; which people, interests and types of activities really bring you pleasure and which don’t. Your authentic voice understands that it does not know how your life should go, but it senses the right path.

While the mammoth relies only on the external world when making decisions, the authentic voice uses the external world to collect and learn information, but when it comes time to make decisions, everything it needs is already in the brain.

The mammoth constantly ignores the true voice. For example, if a self-confident person expresses his opinion, the mammoth turns into a rumor. And the desperate pleas of the inner voice are rejected and ignored until someone expresses such a point of view.

And when our brain, acting according to the laws of distant ancestors, continues to give the mammoth too much power, the authentic voice begins to feel superfluous. He becomes silent, loses motivation and disappears.

image from Wait But Why website

Eventually the man, controlled by the mammoth, loses touch with his true voice. In tribal times, this was normal, because all that was needed was to agree and conform, and the mammoth does this very well.

But today, when the world has become much wider and fuller, and people are exposed to many cultures and individuals, opinions and opportunities, losing the inner voice becomes a danger.

When you don't know who you really are, the only decision-making mechanism you have is the outdated needs of your emotional mammoth.

And when it comes to the most personal and most important questions, instead of plunging inside yourself and finding the answer to all questions in the foggy variability of your Self, you simply look at those around you and look for answers in them. As a result, you become some kind of mixture of the strongest opinions of those people who surround you. And certainly not by myself.

Also, losing touch with your authentic voice makes you weak. When your identity is supported only by the approval and recognition of those around you, the criticism and judgment of others will really hurt.

Of course, defeat is painful enough for everyone, but for people led by a mammoth, it means much more than for people with a strong, authentic voice.

People with a developed “real self” have an inner core that helps them hold on and continue to do their job, but a mammoth-dependent person has only the desire to fit in with others and no core, so failures for him are a real disaster.

For example, do you know people who cannot take even constructive criticism, and sometimes can even take revenge for it? These people are mammoth obsessed, and they get so mad about criticism because they can't handle disapproval.

image from Wait But Why website

After all that has been said, it becomes clear: you need to find a way to curb your inner mammoth. This is the only opportunity to take life back into your own hands and control it.