A marital relationship is like a living organism. They differ in the individual characteristics of their partners, their communication styles and other details, but they all have the desire to thrive. Relationships need to be grown like a flower, supported, given food, fresh air, love. They need to be developed, moving from one stage to another. A quarrel between partners is a clear illustration of the stress that is necessary for both. This is an ambiguous episode of marriage, like a disease. A mild cold that goes away in a couple of days, an illness with complications, or even death – a divorce.
Are you thinking about how to make peace with your wife after a strong quarrel?
Still from the film “Deep Sleep”
You don’t know how to choose words if you really feel strongly
offended her?
We will try to tell you in as much detail as possible about how best to do this, creating a kind of universal apology formula.
However, first you should familiarize yourself with the most important rule: you should ask for forgiveness only when you really consider yourself to be guilty, and this is sincere
.
If this is your case, then let's go.
What to do if it comes to divorce ↑
To prevent divorce, you need to take action quickly
- Try to stop her . Be assertive. Let her understand the seriousness of your intentions.
- Tell us several options for getting out of this situation.
- Offer to radically change your life (move, have a child, etc.).
- Convey to your wife the importance of her presence in your life.
- You may be able to manipulate with the help of children. Convince that for their sake it is necessary to save the family.
Are you planning to initiate divorce proceedings? It would be a good idea to read the article about how parental divorce affects children. Read statistics on betrayal in marriage here.
How to make peace with a girl if you offended her very badly? The answers are in the article.
If the divorce does take place, pay attention to the following points:
- don’t rush into starting a new romance (this will burn all your bridges);
- do not spoil your relationship with your ex-wife;
- do not let yourself be forgotten (pay special attention to good and cheerful memories from your life together);
- Don't get caught up in all the bad things.
Who knows, maybe your wife, having lived alone, will decide that it was better with you after all and will agree to recreate a family with you again.
Take responsibility and apologize
No one is responsible for your behavior except yourself. It doesn’t matter how bad things are going at work, whether you had a headache, or who “provoked” you and for how long. You obviously shouldn't have done what you did and circumstances had nothing to do with it.
Try to say in your own words that you were very wrong and you repent of it. Say that you understand that apologies in themselves do not mean anything, but you will try not to be unfounded and back them up with actions.
What to do if she doesn't want to talk
“Playing the silent game” is a fairly common strategy for offended women. In such a situation, psychologists advise asking your wife questions about simple, everyday topics. You need to find out if she will have dinner, ask about her day at work, and so on.
There is another way to defuse the situation. To do this, you need to start chatting incessantly, and say a variety of funny nonsense. Sooner or later the wife will not stand it and will laugh. As a result, the atmosphere in the house will turn from sharply negative to positive, and the conflict can be resolved quite quickly.
What you shouldn’t do is be like your spouse and continue to remain silent. If a man does this, reconciliation is definitely not operational. One of the parties must take the first step in order to ultimately achieve a mutual apology.
Listen to your wife with an open heart
After your monologue, it’s her turn, and there may be two most likely scenarios. The first - the beloved will also open up, talk about her feelings, resentment, fears, pain and concerns. Listen and don’t interrupt, try to understand her feelings.
The second scenario is similar to the first, but more emotional. Be prepared for a wave of criticism and accusations to hit you after your apology. In this case, if you are serious about making peace, be patient. Don't argue, don't downplay guilt, admit your real mistakes. Try to move the conversation in a constructive direction. If this is difficult, you can respond with a slight delay so as not to accidentally say something offensive. Here it is important not to internalize negative emotions and pay attention exclusively to the feelings of your spouse - pain, fear and resentment.
Analysis of situations
If you value your family, know how to resolve conflict situations with your spouse. Regardless of whether these are serious conflicts or small quarrels. Let's look at how to do this in detail.
If I'm to blame
Avoiding conflicts in the family is not easy, and if a man feels guilty, he needs to find the strength to apologize. If you do this insincerely, your spouse will feel it. Therefore, simple words cannot resolve the situation. Show that you realized the reason for her offense and drew conclusions from this situation.
If it is not clear what exactly made your spouse angry, go to your loved one and talk to her. Tell her that you will not upset or upset her anymore.
After betrayal
Forgiving betrayal is not easy, and not every wife can do it. Even if a man tries to make amends, he does not always succeed. But if you repent and want to save your family, try to resolve the conflict. We will tell you how to make peace with your wife after cheating. The following recommendations will help:
- Don't wait for your spouse to file for divorce. Show that you feel guilty and ask for forgiveness. This will be the first step towards reconciliation, but the wife will not necessarily “melt” immediately.
- Share your feelings. If you are afraid of losing your family, explain this. Don't blackmail your wife: don't say that you will commit suicide or leave if she doesn't forgive you immediately. It is difficult for the spouse to accept what happened, and now she can do a lot of unpleasant things out of emotion. Just show that you are worried too and try in every possible way to earn her trust again.
- Another way to make peace with your wife after your betrayal is to talk to her loved ones. Say that you repent and want to return your spouse. Get advice on what to do and ask for help.
- Communication with your mistress should be stopped immediately and you should not intersect with her again. On the contrary, spend more time with your wife. This way you will prevent new suspicions on her part.
READ How to make your husband fall in love with you again after 10 years of marriage: advice from a psychologist
Even if the spouse decides to reconcile, she may mention the offense more than once in the future. Be prepared for this - you are paying for betrayal, and this is not as bad as if the family broke up completely. Calm down and wait for the “passions to subside.”
After drinking
Spouses do not always quarrel only because of drinking alcohol. More often, the reasons are the consequences of parties - boorish behavior, fights, flirting with other girls, etc. If you offended your beloved and now she does not make contact, first get yourself into a sober state. And then talk to her, ask her to forgive you. Tell her that your spouse is dear to you and you won’t upset her anymore.
Then try to make amends - take care of household chores, invite your spouse on a date, buy her something important. And most importantly, understand that living with a rowdy who drinks is very difficult. You keep your wife, children, and loved ones in a stressful state. Eliminate drinking and noisy companies from your life, stop communicating with people who provoke you to drink alcohol.
After the scandal
If you have a big fight and your spouse wants to divorce, it will not be easy to fix the situation. Classic techniques will help you do this - a bouquet of flowers and an apology. If the words are insincere, then your spouse will not want to forgive you. But if you can convince her that you are sorry, your beloved will take pity and also want to make peace.
If you said something offensive during an argument, explain that it was in the heat of the moment and you don't really mean it. Promise that you won't say such things in the future. This is important if you do not want your spouse to accumulate all the negativity within herself, and this will lead to the collapse of the family.
READ How to properly apologize to your husband: psychological techniques and feminine tricks
If she doesn't want to talk
If your spouse stops talking to you, there are several ways to fix it. Invite your beloved on a date, give her a surprise or a gift, write a touching poem for her. Of course, an apology is also very important. Don't mince your words.
Prove your desire to make peace with your actions. If your spouse has been asking you to do something for a long time, finally fulfill this request. For example, do some renovations, fix the bathroom faucet, or change your hairstyle. Even if your beloved does not want to talk now, she will understand that you are not indifferent to her wishes.
If she's to blame
Even if your spouse is to blame for the quarrel, you can take the first steps towards reconciliation. Defuse the situation in the family or save the marriage. Sometimes a girl doesn’t even understand that she did something wrong somewhere. And she doesn’t always want to take the initiative.
- Talk calmly - act kindly and demonstrate a willingness to resolve the conflict. If the reason for the quarrel with your wife is not important to you, make concessions.
- Write an explanatory letter to your wife to make peace. A simple message will do. Write about the offense and indicate why you do not want to give in to your loved one in the conflict. Also say that you don't want to fight anymore.
- To convey your position to your wife, call for help from a person who has authority with her. Explain to him the current situation without embellishment. If a man understands that his wife was not entirely right, he will help convince her of this.
If you are sure that you are right, there is no need to ask for forgiveness. Insincerity will lead to new conflicts in the future. If your wife finds out that you lied about your feelings, it will greatly offend her.
Validate your wife's feelings and don't invalidate them
It is very important to learn to acknowledge the feelings of another - this does not mean giving up your position and agreeing with your partner in everything. You can still disagree, but at the same time acknowledge that her feelings and reaction to what happened are real, and you don’t doubt them. Agree, it’s not up to you to decide how exactly she should have been upset (or not upset) because of your action.
“When we quarreled and I went to see friends in the middle of the night, you felt abandoned and unwanted. I understand that it was very offensive and difficult.”
You are not saying that your reaction was wrong, but you are acknowledging the reality of your spouse, showing that you heard her and understand how scared and hurt she was.
Still from the movie "Pretty Little Liars"
Family
In this case, by family, psychologists understand the family structure that has developed over the years of living together. This is an apartment purchased and furnished a long time ago, a joint business, mutual friends, relatives, family trips - everything that connects two people extremely strongly. If it comes to divorce, the balance is disrupted, the old life loses meaning, the established and fairly stable world begins to stagger and collapse. Human life is changing, but not everyone is ready for such a global restructuring.
And this is exactly that important point, by reminding a woman of which, a man will certainly achieve his goal. Many women, in order to return to their usual circle and life, to avoid breaking long-term ties with mutual friends and relatives on their husband’s side, are ready to give a second chance to their chosen one. The man’s task from now on is to prove that family is no less valuable and important to him.
Many men have a hard time with divorce.
Be prepared that forgiveness will take time
Under no circumstances insist on immediately resuming communication, even if your apology has been accepted. If your wife says that she needs time to come to her senses, be patient and do as you are asked.
Show understanding and respect for her feelings. A person who has been offended most often feels depressed and disenfranchised. The ability to “push aside” the aggressor and set your own rules means regaining control over the situation.
You must be prepared for the fact that even after your confidential conversation, your partner will want to be alone. Everyone has their own pace of healing wounds; restoring warm and trusting relationships can take days, weeks, months (what’s up, sometimes even years, depending on the situation).
Is it worth returning?
Sometimes there is an insurmountable distance between a person’s desires and capabilities. Wanting to get your wife back does not mean being ready to make titanic efforts for this. To convince a woman, the ex-husband must form a radically opposite, extremely pleasant, idea about himself. He will be actively working on changing his personality: character, habits, hobbies, worldview. And not everyone has enough energy to bring this task to life.
First you need to understand the reasons for the divorce. Let's look at the most common of them:
- wife's dissatisfaction with sex, spouse's betrayal,
- there is no mutual understanding and respect,
- inattention to the wife and her problems,
- lack of shared leisure time,
- husband's bad habits
- scandalous behavior of the spouse, reproaches and nagging,
- his lack of initiative in solving everyday issues, laziness,
- an irresponsible man does not want to work either in production or at home; the family barely makes ends meet,
- unceremonious and constant violation of family boundaries by relatives who pit spouses against each other.
Having determined the reason, a man must adequately assess the situation in order to understand whether it is possible to return his wife after a divorce. To do this, he should honestly admit to himself what his motivation is. If the goal is to use a woman to satisfy his needs and take care of him, it is foolish to hope for family reunification. Even if you manage to win back your spouse with false promises, the relationship will not last long, and the new breakup will most likely become final.
An attempt to restore the relationship will be effective only if the ex-spouses have feelings for each other. Without this, family reunification is not possible.
But, left alone, the husband may behave completely differently: he will feel relief that the protracted conflict has been resolved, albeit by a break. This happens in the following cases:
- the life of a couple is a complete scandal,
- partners cause each other only irritation, anger and aggression,
- the wife is not interested in the husband, only his earnings,
- the wife openly flirts with men, provoking a scandal, after which she accuses her husband of unreasonable jealousy.
When the relationship does not suit both, there is no point in trying to mend a broken marriage. This outcome will also be reasonable if the man understands that he does not want or cannot correct the situation.
Do something nice for your loved one
When a person is very offended, and you understand that an apology and a confidential conversation were still not enough, perhaps you should please him with something.
But we are not talking about a bouquet of roses and a huge teddy bear.
Remember, compensation for grievances with gifts is the weakest and most unreliable of all possible (although the most popular). And not because gifts are bad, but because they involve mostly monetary investments and minimal emotional involvement.
During quarrels, it is primarily the emotional connection between people that suffers, so it is this that needs to be “fixed.” Caring and working together are best suited for this purpose.
We also strongly do not recommend giving your wife surprises; it is better to ask her quite openly: “I feel very guilty. I want to please you in order to at least make up for my guilt a little. What can I do for you?"
It is important to be ready to fulfill her request, otherwise you will only make things worse.
It is best to immediately offer some option (or even several). “Let me cook you your favorite dish?”, “How about we spend the evening together and go to your favorite restaurant?”, “Do you want me to buy us theater tickets?”
Romantic Apology
It will be much easier to forgive a man if a woman receives visual confirmation of his feelings. A romantic gesture is perhaps the easiest way to achieve the desired reconciliation.
Here, not only gentle words, but also actions should be used. You can fill your beloved’s apartment with flowers or balloons. You can also write a romantic message on the asphalt, compose a poem or even a song for your other half.
A man can have a romantic date in an unusual place. All these gestures will allow the girl, if not to forget about the insult, then at least to take her mind off it. Thus, the chances of reconciliation will increase significantly.
What you absolutely CAN'T do
Hush up a quarrel (even a small one)
All conflicts have a cumulative effect. In addition, over time, the details are forgotten, only feelings remain: betrayal, mistrust, dissatisfaction, sadness, loneliness.
Learn to discuss everything, even the smallest misunderstandings, immediately after they happen - in a calm atmosphere, without shouting or insults.
Talk if anger and irritation have not yet subsided
As we already said, you need to give yourself time to cool down. It's normal to talk about what happened after a while. If emotions get the better of you, there is a risk of only aggravating the situation and taking the quarrel to a new level (even more difficult, of course).
Trying to settle the conflict with sex
A very insidious method that looks beautiful only in the movies, but in reality it only makes things worse. Firstly, this method leaves the problem at the same point, the partner’s resentment does not disappear, and understatement will corrode your relationship for a long time. And secondly, sex subsequently risks becoming a less pleasant activity, causing associations with quarrels, resentments and negative emotions.
“Settling Scores”
The phrase “I agree, I was wrong, but you too...” must be forgotten once and for all.
Pointing out your partner’s shortcomings, and at the same time listing everything that brings (or has brought) discomfort for a long time in order to look better against her background, is an extremely unfortunate technique.
You can and even need to express your dissatisfaction, but at the right time. It is worth learning to discuss problems in everyday life as they arise, without conflict and in a polite manner. Now is not the time to remember past grievances.
Gnawing yourself (long and painfully)
Admitting that you were wrong - yes, getting carried away and thinking only about it - no. Internal torment can play a cruel joke on you.
Firstly, there may be a feeling that you have already “suffered” enough, so there is no need to apologize (in fact, no).
Secondly, during torment, anger and irritation can flare up with renewed vigor, and the conflict will resume.
Thirdly, it often happens that the offender is so upset because of his incontinence that his partner has to console him: “Well, I’ll forgive you, it’s okay.”
In fact, this situation is manipulation in its purest form. Of course, it is pleasant for the aggressor himself, but it has destructive power for relationships. Agree, it is the injured party who should receive consolation and compensation (and in this case it is not you).
Common mistakes
- The best defense is offense? In this case, this is the worst model of behavior to shield yourself. It’s disgusting to get personal, to point out obvious shortcomings in appearance, household management, raising children, to hit one’s pride (“you’re a slob,” “a bad housewife,” “this is all because our relationship has become boring and has outlived its usefulness”). . By protecting yourself in this way, you wipe your feet on your own creation.
- Child manipulation.
Call for peace, affecting the interests of the baby. Public quarrels (fights) and showdowns will not bring the desired results, but will bring you even closer to divorce. Never involve your own children in your swearing! Do not speculate on them, since in this situation they are already worse off than everyone else. No matter what happens, they don't deserve to suffer. They love both mom and dad and just want to see them nearby, to feel that all is well in their world. - Escaping reality. Offend, yell, and then go on a binge out of grief. Drinking a lot, regular drinking is a 100% way to lose the remnants of respect.
Having messed up a lot of wood, it is important to understand that restoring peace is a long, painstaking work. This disease requires an integrated approach, and it is only possible to kick it out of the house together.
Psychologist's advice
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, who sometimes writes for our readers, also commented on the burning topic and gave four tips on how to apologize correctly.
1.
You only need to apologize once, without mentioning the situation, so as not to provoke a new conflict.
2.
After an apology, it is better to leave your spouse alone for a while, let her digest everything, wait until she herself takes the initiative when she is ripe.
3.
When you apologize, you don’t need to say, if you knew the purchase, you would live in Sochi, or “How could I...”, because your wife may get the impression that you could have acted differently, but for some reason you didn’t.
4.
And, of course, you only need to apologize when you really feel guilty, and this is sincere.
By the way, if your offense is of a milder nature, we previously listed 11 of the most inventive and unusual ways to apologize to a girl.
- Author: Larisa Stebeneva
How to ask for forgiveness in an original and beautiful way
If your woman is not happy with banal actions and apologies, you can show creativity and an unconventional approach to solving the problem. Consider her character, hobbies, what she might like, and what seems stupid or frivolous. We offer several ideas on how to apologize to your wife in an original way.
Transform into her favorite actor/singer/entertainer
If you know her favorite artist, you can apologize in an original way in this way. How to do this to surprise her:
- find a photo of his face, print it out, cut out a hole for the eyes and put it on like a mask;
- prepare a beautiful bouquet of flowers in advance;
- write an original and touching text;
- In the morning, wake her up wearing a mask with flowers and breakfast in bed, saying words about forgiveness.
Sorry on the asphalt
Buy paint of different colors, choose the right words, and then write them beautifully under her window on the asphalt. You can simply write “sorry”, or you can add her name, words of love, romantic lines. A real drawing made in different colors will look creative. To do this, you can use spray cans instead of usually paint.
Flashlights
Flashlights laid out in the shape of the word “sorry” will look original (do this in the dark). If the weather permits, make it out of candles. In winter, a great alternative would be to say “sorry” from lit sparklers. The main thing is to light them in a timely manner when she looks out the window.
Help from friends
Ask your neighbors or close friends to use their cars to create the shape of the word “sorry,” and when she looks out the window, turn on the headlights and honk the horn. By the same principle, the word is made of their friends. The easiest and most inexpensive way is to write words in the snow and lay them out with rose petals.
Flash mob
If you manage to take her to some crowded place, such as a shopping center, organize a creative performance. To do this, gather a group of people in advance and agree that they will all be in the same place at the same time. When you arrive at the right place, they will perform some kind of dance at the same time to attract attention, and at the end they will ask her to forgive you.
Everyone needs to know this
If you decide, at all costs, to prevent the marriage from falling apart, you will have to make a lot of effort. Get ready to significantly change your life and tune in to the results. The attitude will carry the main goal. In most cases, men do not take action, but rather become depressed, start drinking and complaining about life, thereby worsening the situation. So pull yourself together. If you are unable to concentrate, first of all get rid of the desire to drink alcohol out of grief and self-pity.
Once you have restored an adequate state, proceed to action. Start changing your own life. Start with your daily routine, improving your appearance. Become more attractive to women. Change your attitude towards life: join a gym, find new hobbies.
Then start changing your attitude towards a woman. Show your confidence to make her life happier, learn to find compromises. Compromise is the best way to save a marriage.
