Couple relationships are not the easiest thing
. Every couple sooner or later experiences conflicts, resentments, and misunderstandings. This can happen both early in the relationship and later. It all depends on how people open up to each other; some can show their shortcomings right away, while others can hide them for years and not show them, fearing that their loved one will leave.
If quarrels between a man and a woman occur constantly, they are quite intense, even insults and in some cases even physical violence - this is far from the norm
. This behavior exhausts a person in an incredible way; constant stress will affect not only the emotional level, but also the physical one. A person under constant stress gets sick more, is less joyful and thinks that the person with whom he is in a relationship is not really the one he needs.
If quarrels do not occur so often, you are able to resolve conflicts, talk, compromise - such relationships are quite normal
. We are all different people and everyone may not be satisfied with something, so he has the right to express what does not suit him.
Not everyone will remain silent and endure. And is it necessary to endure? Is it really normal for a person who tolerates what he cannot tolerate? Thus, he pushes all his complaints and grievances very deep. But how long will they stay there? Sooner or later, everything that a person has been accumulating for many months or even years will come out, only with a more destructive and powerful effect.
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Important!
Strong quarrels can begin in a week, a month or a year. It all depends on your personal qualities and the cause of conflicts.
"We fight almost every week"
According to psychotherapist Rosare Torrisi, conflict and arguing are not the same thing. “The way I see it, people fight is when one person is intentionally being rude to another,” she says. Conflict, although not always pleasant, is still a healthy thing. The conflict turns into abuse if partners begin to resort to blows below the belt, act unfairly or are rude.
Frequent collisions are not always a problem. Moreover, they can be a sign that both partners can express themselves freely. “You live with another person, so there will always be differences in opinions, thoughts, beliefs and values between you,” says the psychotherapist. -You want your partner to understand your thoughts and feelings. And that's okay."
If you consider conflicts to be something bad or are afraid that they indicate the failure of your relationship, perhaps the reason should be looked for in your upbringing:
“Most of us had parents who fought either secretly (which is why we grew up thinking it was wrong to fight) or emotionally and loudly (which is why we fear fighting). I believe that if you never have disagreements with your partner, then you are not being honest with yourself.”
“You don’t know how to handle money!”
Money is one of the main points of contention for young couples in their first year of marriage.
“Even if you were previously living together, it was easy to hide each of your personal finances before marriage,” Smith explains. “But now everything is changing.” Once married, many people learn for the first time the truth about the amount of debt their partner has or about financial habits that may be very different from their own.” Money issues are often burdened with emotional baggage, which only makes them difficult to discuss.
Before you develop a plan together to navigate your new financial life, it's important to learn how to honestly express your feelings about money. And for all other reasons too.
“We often quarrel in front of our friends”
Whether or not it is acceptable to have conflict in front of friends depends on the norms of the culture. However, since arguments are intimate, your friends probably don't want to witness them.
If you do butt heads in public, you must let those present know whether you were able to reach some kind of compromise - otherwise they will only see conflict. This is especially important if you get into an argument in front of children.
“It’s okay if children see you quarrel,” says Torrisi. “But they shouldn’t see you swearing, because you shouldn’t swear at all.” One way or another, they must be aware of what is happening. Let them know that you didn't agree with each other, but you came to an understanding and everything is fine."
Constant quarrels with my boyfriend. Instructions
1. Stopping quarreling with your loved one is much easier than it might seem. To begin with, take “preventive measures.” To stop quarreling with a guy, learn to have a constructive dialogue. Learn to listen and hear your loved one, and also explain your position without getting personal, without giving free rein to your emotions. Teach your boyfriend the same.
2. To stop quarreling with a guy, be prepared to make compromises. It is impossible to have the same point of view on all issues, and the interests of lovers will not always coincide. Therefore, searching for a third option that will suit both lovers can be a good way out of any conflict situation.
3. It will be easier to stop quarreling with your loved one by learning to discuss problems and compromise. But sometimes emotions literally overwhelm you, preventing you from thinking well about your behavior strategy. If you're ready to lash out at your boyfriend, try to get your emotions under control. Try the deep, slow breathing technique and count to ten. During this time, emotions will subside a little, and you will be able to understand that a calm discussion will give you much more than shouting and mutual reproaches.
4. You can stop quarreling with a guy if you sometimes let him cool down. If you have learned to control your emotions, then your boyfriend may not have such a skill. If this is the case, and your loved one, let him cool his ardor. Sometimes it is useful to move the conversation to another topic. By putting aside your emotions, you will be able to solve your problems much more effectively.
5. To stop quarreling with your loved one, learn to switch gears and joke. Psychologists have proven that humor and aggression are incompatible. Once you start laughing, you will no longer be able to quarrel with each other. Once you have calmed down, you can move on to discussing the situation. Sometimes, instead of humor, you can use tenderness and affection. Not a single guy can resist such a weapon in a woman’s hands.
note
After some time of “correct” behavior, lovers get used to this order of things. If such communication is difficult at first, then over time you will become better at using these skills in resolving your conflicts.
Helpful advice
If a quarrel does occur, apologize to each other. And after some time, try to resolve the problem in a calm environment.
“We fight over the same things over and over again.”
Quarrels recur when couples face “unsolvable problems.”
In fact, most relationship problems are unsolvable. This includes minor conflicts, such as the question of who should do certain chores and when. They will arise again and again, because the optimal solution cannot be found once and for all.
But there is another kind of unsolvable problems - they are related to values and needs. Lack of unanimity on such matters cannot be overcome by short-term measures. “Disagreements about religion, money, sex, children, where we live, or drug use often lead to the end of a relationship,” Torrisi says. So if you find yourself fighting frequently over any of these issues, it may be time for you to think about your compatibility with your partner and whether this relationship is for you.
Stumbling blocks
If your goal is to get rid of quarrels in your relationship, you need to sit down and discuss with your partner what most often causes them. According to psychologists, they are the same in every couple:
- jealousy, lack of attention, cheating, flirting, lack of romance;
- different characters, temperaments, lifestyles, views, political beliefs, social statuses, interests;
- issues of raising children, relationships with parents;
- household, financial, housing problems;
- addictions: alcohol, drugs, gaming;
- dissatisfaction in bed.
Once the main stumbling blocks have been identified, try to figure out their size.
There are major ones on which the future fate of the couple depends. For example, whether to forgive a partner after cheating. In this case, you need to sit down for a serious and constructive dialogue, during which three questions are calmly discussed:
- What does the partner want?
- What do you want?
- How to combine these desires?
If you cannot reach a consensus on your own, psychologists will help you resolve the conflict peacefully and stop quarrels.
There are smaller stones that are just as exhausting as the larger ones. These are trifles like who doesn’t turn off the light in the toilet in the evening or why he said hello to some girl on the street. If such clashes occur frequently and result in major scandals, you need to sit down and outline the rights and responsibilities in the relationship. It’s even funny: before going to bed, I check that the lights are turned off everywhere, and you, in turn, don’t look at other girls. Believe me, this seems absurd only from the outside. In fact, when everything is written down, there will be fewer conflicts.
8 common causes of family quarrels and detailed instructions on what to do. About this - follow the link.
“Our quarrels last for hours”
Just because you've been arguing with your partner all day doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. But talking in a raised voice is still very exhausting. When you continually waste valuable time on conflicts that then flare up again, this can happen for several reasons.
First, one partner may feel misunderstood. If you often feel like you and your loved one are speaking different languages, try writing your thoughts down on paper, speaking more slowly, asking more questions, or simply finding different words.
Also take into account external factors that affect mutual understanding. Try rescheduling serious conversations to a different time of day (when you're not as busy, distracted, or drunk) or to a more neutral place (like a quiet corner in the park instead of your bedroom).
It could also be that one of you (or both of you) is too verbose and tends to talk about his feelings in great detail. Although this is satisfying for the speaker, it is very difficult for the other person to follow long monologues, which greatly hinders understanding.
Quarrels can drag on because you don't get to the root of the problem. If your complaints are superficial (for example, “I'm sick of your dirty socks lying around”), you'll likely continue to go around in circles. Understand that the root of the problem is not the socks. It's just easier to talk about socks than to talk about the need for respect for your needs.
It's also possible that you're going around in circles because you're dealing with a truly intractable problem. “In such cases, people fight to hide from themselves the fact that the relationship is over,” says Torrisi.
Behavior during a quarrel
It is impossible to predict everything. Even if you have resolved the main causes of quarrels, no one is immune from unforeseen circumstances. If a scandal does break out, try to behave correctly:
- do not Cry;
- don't let go of your hands;
- do not insult your partner, do not remember the past;
- do not ignore his words, do not interrupt;
- do not throw things, do not break dishes;
- do not involve a third party in the conflict;
- Don’t blackmail with phrases like “I’m leaving,” “I’m filing for divorce.”
If the situation gets out of control, you need to calmly but firmly say that you do not intend to tolerate it any longer and resume the conversation only after the storm has subsided. The second scenario is to approach your loved one, hug and ask for forgiveness.
It also happens that it is incredibly difficult to restrain yourself. Especially when an endless stream of insults and reproaches are thrown at you. In order not to sink to the same level and not to break down when your nerves are already at the limit, it is better to break the plate.
Some more tips from psychologists on how to behave during a quarrel with a loved one:
- look into his eyes, do not lose eye contact;
- say “we” instead of “I” or “you”;
- ask questions about what he/she feels, wants;
- listen to the end;
- try to catch the rhythm of his breathing and breathe in unison with him - this way you can calm him down, subordinating him to your more measured rhythm.
The wiser you behave during conflicts, the smoother they will flow and the faster they will end. This will help maintain a healthy relationship and avoid separation.
Case from practice. She is a doctor. He is a person who has suffered from high blood pressure since childhood. They quarreled often. Since during the experience of strong negative emotions, stress hormones are released in the body, his blood pressure jumped, he began to feel dizzy, and he felt ill. She, seeing him in this state, tried to stop the scandals, but he did not let up. In the end, she found a way to cool him down at such moments, literally and figuratively: she soaked a towel in cold water and made compresses on his forehead and wrists. The quarrel ended within 5 minutes.
“Every time we fight, it ends in tears.”
People cry for all sorts of reasons. Tears can be a physiological manifestation of relief, a way to calm yourself, or a sign of mental distress. So just because you cry during an argument doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship.
Some people feel manipulated when someone else cries. But crying is a natural reaction that is very difficult to control, so if you accuse your partner of using crying for the purpose of manipulation, you are thereby saying that he is hostile towards you.
If you don't trust that your partner wants the best for you, then your problems go much deeper.
Quarrels are a sign of a mature relationship
Constantly avoiding conflict is certainly not the best way to build a long-lasting relationship. If you can clearly express your opinion during a quarrel, then you are ready to take your love to the next level.
Mature people don't resort to personal attacks or yelling. They always try to find a compromise and improve their relationship with the help of the right arguments.
“Our quarrels are very loud”
Loudness isn't always a cause for concern, partly because it's subjective. “My family comes from Sicily. We always speak loudly,” Torrisi gives an example.
If you're worried about the volume of your arguments, it may be because one of you (or both of you) is being too emotional. A raised voice may indicate overexcitement. And if one of the interlocutors is too nervous to control himself, then a productive conversation will not work.
But loudness is not the only sign of an influx of emotions. Even if you always speak in a low voice, you should pay attention to other signs of overexcitement: a rush of blood to the face, an increase in temperature, a rapid pulse, clenched fists, sudden changes in the pitch and timbre of the voice. Once you notice any of these symptoms, it's time to take a break.
For a break to benefit you, two conditions must be met.
First, you must agree that you will return to the conversation. Excessive emotions should not be a reason to postpone it indefinitely.
Secondly, you should try not to think about the fight during the break. Do something that calms you down. Go for a walk, take a shower, take a nap, meditate (it is better to abstain from alcohol and drugs in such cases).
If this seems impossible to you, then you are not alone. What often happens is that one partner says, “I need to take a break,” and the other responds, “No breaks until we figure this out.” In this case, the second partner is too excited and cannot calm down, so he seeks help from the first. He thinks that if he continues talking, he will come to his senses.
But both partners are nervous, so they cannot help each other. When the conflict escalates, things sometimes come to blows.
Torrisi advises using trust-building gestures in such situations. You can, for example, take your partner's hand, hug or give a compliment. Little things like this can defuse the atmosphere, reassure both parties and give them a reason to remember that you are one team.
In what cases is a quarrel not normal?
In any fights, you need to evaluate how much you fight, how often it happens, in what situations it happens, and what the reason is.
Constant nagging
If in your relationship, you constantly cling to each other over all sorts of trifles and little things. For example, if you didn’t wash your plate after yourself, didn’t take out the trash, and is also accompanied by strong aggression, then this is not normal. Learn not to find fault with every little thing; if you can do something yourself, then do it.
Constant bitterness
In normal relationships, after a quarrel, people come to some kind of decision and continue to live and enjoy each other
. But if after a quarrel it doesn’t get better, if after a quarrel you are still angry at each other, everything annoys you, then you should think about it. You need to think and change something, you don’t have to immediately draw sad conclusions, or even break up.
Insults
If, in the process of sorting out the relationship, you begin to insult each other, remember the past, and with a hostile attitude begin to say that “You did this,” or “Do you remember...”. In this relationship there is no banal respect for each other.
Important!
In a relationship between two people, insults are not acceptable in any situation.
Hidden quarrel
As we have already said, the most important thing is to find what caused the conflict. Then, you need to make sure that both are satisfied with everything
. It happens that neither partner even has the desire to find a common language and find a solution to the situation. This is the most stupid behavior possible.
Important!
Remember, your job is to independently evaluate the relationship you are in.
There is no answer that would say: “You need to break up urgently” or “It’s just a quarrel, it’s okay.” This will not happen, make a decision and take full responsibility upon yourself. If you are in doubt or want to fix everything, it is better to consult a psychologist
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“In our quarrels there is a lot of swearing and insults”
Abuse is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. If you and your partner frequently use swear words in everyday speech, you may think it's no big deal. But insulting another person during an argument is counterproductive. This turns healthy discussion into conflict.
In addition, insults take attention away from the feelings you want to communicate. So if you often say things like “Why are you such a bitch?”, then you should start explaining yourself differently. For example, “I feel disrespected,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m upset,” “I’m very disappointed.”
It is important to have a broad emotional vocabulary, but few people know how to develop it. Sometimes it is worth reminding your partner that the problem will be resolved more quickly if he talks about his own feelings.
You'll feel much better after a fight
If you can express your emotions and let off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and fear. This will have a positive effect on both your mental health and physical health.
Of course, this doesn't mean you need to dump all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it’s better to express everything that’s boiling over than to keep it inside and wait for everything to work itself out.
Greg Godek, author of Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School, believes that the golden rule of ethics rarely works in real-life arguments. Talking too cautiously will lead nowhere. Therefore, sometimes it is better to let out all the emotions in order to finally figure out what’s going on.
The only rule that should be followed in quarrels is not to hit your partner or throw heavy objects at him. As for the rest, go ahead: make noise, slam doors, swear with the last words. Do anything if you feel it will help.
Greg Godek
"One of us often ignores the other"
Completely ignoring your partner is a very bad behavior strategy.
It's worth noting that conspicuously ignoring another person is not the same as saying, "I'm really angry, so I need to take a break to calm down." According to Torrisi, many people confuse these things, so they resist the idea of breathing space before resolving a conflict. But there is a big difference between these two types of behavior. In one case, we show respect and act fairly. In another, we don’t care and we just want to punish our partner.
Ignoring is often used for manipulation. This is an example of denial of emotional connection and a type of revenge - an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. This behavior often means the end of a relationship, as it implies that one partner no longer wants to deal with the common problem.
“Where will we go for the holidays: yours or mine?”
None of the partners wants to break the traditions of their family, but sooner or later they will have to make a choice.
“Couples often feel guilty and pressured by their families to lobby them for New Years or vacations,” says Becky Whetstone. “But remember: you created your own family, and its interests are now much more important than what your relatives want.” If neither you nor your partner want to miss a family event, you can alternate trips to see loved ones or flip a coin each time. Or you can stay at home and create your own family traditions.”
“We often fight about how we fight, and we end up having two fights at once.”
We all have bad habits. It takes time and effort to learn how to talk to your partner when you're angry. And there is nothing wrong with paying attention to unhealthy (insults) or unproductive (propensity for long monologues) strategies. It happens that you are trying to change the behavior of a loved one, but very soon you move away from the essence of the dialogue, as you begin to argue about when, where and how best to discuss this problem, and this leads to the fact that the degree of tension only grows.
A fight reveals your passion
Some couples actually enjoy intense arguments because they increase their hormone levels. These people understand on a subconscious level that a quarrel is a sign of their passion, and reconciliation after it will allow it to grow.
If you want to see your relationship strong and prosperous, you need to let your emotions go from time to time instead of holding them in. But remember to end any arguments in a positive way.
Ways to turn a scandal into a constructive dialogue
A quarrel between a man and a woman causes a storm of emotions - anger, resentment, disappointment. In the wake of these feelings, hasty conclusions are made. You shouldn't break up right away. Any conflict can be turned into a peaceful dialogue, turned into a joke and saved relationships:
- The first step is to identify the source of the conflict. If the reason is purely emotional (stress at work, conflicts with family), it will not be difficult to make peace.
- The next stage is dialogue. It is worth sharing your experiences with your partner during a quarrel and after it, and listening to him. Hatred, fear, disappointment - feelings frankly called by their proper names will help the couple identify problems and come to a joint solution.
- After the conversation, trust is established. Excessive control and suspicion should be left in the past. Adequate personal space and respect for each other's interests are important aspects of a healthy marriage.
- Responsibility. The ability to be responsible for your words and admit mistakes is useful not only in love, but also in other types of relationships between people.
No matter whose fault the partners quarreled, the first step towards reconciliation is always taken by one person. You should not expect initiative from a man. You need to act on your own if this relationship has value.
What to do to avoid conflict in the future
Frequent scandals occur when a solution has not been found. It is necessary to exhaust the issue that creates the conflict so as not to return to it.
In order not to quarrel again, you should determine the cause of the problem, and female cunning, tact and love will help solve it. A man's rudeness and coldness are the result of overwork at work. You should not show dissatisfaction, otherwise it will aggravate the situation. The partner needs support, emotional comfort and warmth.
Often the problem is that a man does not work or earns little. In such situations, women often violate the dignity of their husband, placing the well-being of the family on their fragile shoulders. Making a scandal is a bad idea. A calm dialogue will help here, in which, without reproach, the woman invites the man to take the reins into his own hands.
Men's greed is also an indirect mistake of the wife. He closes himself off both morally and financially from a partner whom he does not trust. You should not give your husband a reason for jealousy and grounds for suspicion.
Family life without quarrels is impossible. Men's psychology is very different from women's, so disagreements are different. It is important to recognize the type and scale of the conflict at an early stage, analyze it and encourage the partner to find a compromise. People accumulate grievances and anger and do not want to hear others. As a result, relationships are destroyed where it is possible to save them.
