Separation is a mean word. The meaning of this word in explanatory dictionaries is interpreted as: to live far from someone who is close. Every person has to experience separation in their life. It can be short-term or long-term, but it definitely leaves heaviness and anxiety in the heart and soul.
The reasons that lead to the need to stay away from those you care about at a distance may be different, but the very fact: not being able to have direct contact with a loved one can seriously affect your psycho-emotional state. Therefore, you should not underestimate any situation related to separation.
In this article:
Biochemistry of separation The main thing is calm Communication mode The power of words Let yourself dream Time of opportunity Let loneliness not last long
Biochemistry of separation
Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA: Pexels
What is the nature of the biochemistry of separation? Why does your heart clench when you think about a loved one? To understand this, you need to remember that there are many significant substances in our body, the deficiency or excess of which is directly related to your mood, ability to enjoy life, enjoy activities or creativity.
In the case of separation, let's remember hormones. Hormones are substances that are produced inside your body and transmit information from organ to organ. They are responsible for the quality of your sleep, pleasure from food, and activity.
Hormones, like no other, are connected with your emotional background. The production of any type of hormones occurs in response to external or internal stimuli. Such an external stimulus is communication with a loved one: this can be a normal communication process or intimacy. In this case, the body releases happiness hormones: dopamine and serotonin.
If the process of close relationships is stable, then the amount of these substances in your body is at a certain, usual level, and any change in the communication process causes, accordingly, a lack of these hormones. In this case, your mood worsens, and feelings of restlessness, loneliness and anxiety appear.
How to survive separation? Long distance relationships.
If we consider the case of separation from a loved one who is your sexual partner, then another type of hormones should be mentioned: oxytocin. Oxytocin is responsible for your feeling of stability and confidence in your partner. This hormone is released in full during sexual intercourse. Violation of the level of this substance can lead to increased stress levels, an unstable emotional state, and even manifestations of aggression towards a partner.
What is LDR
The term long-distance relationship
, or
LDR
, which is commonly used in English to describe long-distance relationships, has a fairly vague definition. Literally everyone falls under it: from couples who live in the same city, but prefer to live their lives separately from each other, to people who met on the Internet and have not yet had the opportunity to meet. For example, in the US alone, about 14 million couples claim to be in LDR, of which 3.75% are those who are officially married, and 32.5% of those surveyed are university and college students.
Despite the very vague definition of long-distance relationships, they usually still imply that the partners are not able (or do not want) to meet regularly and usually do not see each other for a long period of time. The most popular case is, of course, when people live in different cities and cannot see each other all the time, or situations when one of the partners is forced to leave for work, study or any other reason for a long period of time.
The main thing is calm
It is very important to be able to stabilize your psycho-emotional state during the period of separation. To do this you need to realize that:
- forced separation is temporary and not something fatal. Time will pass and everything will return to normal;
- you cannot influence the current circumstances that caused the separation. Therefore, you should not dramatize the situation and swing the pendulum of negative emotions.
Giphy
The most correct decision: accept what is happening calmly, with a clear understanding of what is happening, without showing irritation, anger or panic.
The strategy for your behavior during separation from loved ones is simple, but it will still require effort and understanding.
What to do if you find yourself at a distance
Don't give up on relationships
The first time of separation will feel especially painful, since you have already become accustomed to your partner, and everything around will remind you of his absence. During this period, it is especially important not to make emotional decisions: as long as your world is painted in black tones, the future will seem unrealistic and meaningless. However, after a few weeks, you will be able to adapt to the new conditions and the separation will not seem so difficult.
Find common goals
Long-distance relationships are much easier to survive if you know why you are doing it. For example, if you are forced to separate due to school or a long business trip, agree on the timing in advance. Study and work do not last forever, and it is certainly possible to indicate in advance the approximate time of a future meeting. If your partner has left, for example, to another country or city forever, then think about whether you are ready to move in with him. If so, make it a goal to do it as soon as the opportunity arises: then the anticipation of the reunion will help you get through the difficult period.
Come up with a joint activity
Agree that you will spend time together, not just calling each other, but also involving each other in various activities. Watch movies together, play games, read books and then discuss them, cook via video call - there are many options for how to spend time together at a distance. It is important here to proceed from your desires and hobbies, otherwise this arrangement will cease to be desirable and turn into a boring routine.
Be honest with each other
When you can’t see your partner, it’s not always possible to guess what mood he’s in and what’s troubling him. Therefore, if you are concerned about something, discuss any concerns openly. Accumulated emotions that have not found their expression will eventually result in an unpleasant conflict, and at a distance a quarrel is even more difficult to resolve than in real life.
Maintain physical intimacy
Modern technologies provide many opportunities to satisfy each other's physical needs while at a distance: from sexting and sharing erotic videos and photos to remote toys that can be controlled from anywhere. Even if you were previously skeptical about this activity and stuck exclusively to traditional sex, it would be a good idea to reconsider your views: this way you will have a better chance of maintaining passion and intimacy even in a long-distance relationship.
Communication mode
The first point of this strategy is to maintain a regular communication routine. You can maintain contact in any available format: telephone communication, online correspondence, video contacts in instant messengers, where you can not only hear, but see each other.
The exchange of information about the results of the past day can take place in a friendly, warm conversation, which can be supplemented with photos, videos or funny publications that attracted attention. This can be the necessary outlet that will allow you to relieve accumulated stress or an opportunity to get the necessary support in a difficult situation.
Long distance love stories of famous people
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov met Olga Knipper in 1898, shortly before the premiere of the play “Tsar Fyodor Ioannovich,” in which the actress received the main role. However, due to actively developing tuberculosis, Chekhov was forced to leave for Yalta, where he remained forever. They got married in 1901, but continued to live in different cities, since Chekhov did not want to return to Moscow, and Knipper refused to give up her theatrical career. Some say that sometimes she still wanted to move, but Anton Pavlovich insisted that she continue to do what she loved. As a result, their relationship lasted six years until Chekhov's death, consisting of more than 400 letters and only a few real meetings.
Denis Diderot, the French educator and philosopher, and his lover Sophie Volant were in a long-distance relationship for 13 years. Their love flared up at one of the dinner parties, and a harmless exchange of notes grew into deep love. Throughout this time, Diderot wrote more than 500 letters to his lady love, 187 of which have survived to this day.
For two years before the wedding, Otto Bismarck and his wife Johanna von Puttkamer conducted a long correspondence, in which Bismarck confessed his feelings and spoke extremely affectionately about his beloved. Since his military career was just beginning to gain momentum, he could not give up everything for Johanna, but in 1847 they finally got married. Later in their life together, meetings and long separations alternated, but even after 40 years, the German chancellor addressed his wife in letters only as “beloved.”
Honore de Balzac and his only wife Evelina Ganskaya corresponded for 18 years before they finally got married. In 1832, Evelina, without revealing her name, entered into correspondence with the writer while she was married. In 1842, her husband Vaclav Gansky died, but the widowed wife still did not seek to marry Balzac, because she wanted to pass on her husband’s inheritance to her only daughter. The couple managed to get married only in 1850 - however, their happiness was short-lived, since Balzac died five months later, but his wife remained by his side until the very last day.
Time of opportunity
Don't allow yourself to get caught up in your inner emotional experiences: this creates unnecessary tension and aggravates the situation. Take advantage of the time you have gained from socializing to do something pleasant: sports, hobbies, chatting with friends, studying.
Photo by Khoa Võ: Pexels
This will fill your day and your thoughts with useful emotions, feelings, and will also be a pleasant bonus when you meet, when you can brag about your achievements to a loved one.
The ability to engage in self-development is a very important skill for an adult. In this sense, a breakup can serve as the best stimulus for developing this skill. It should be remembered that in any relationship the level of self-sufficiency of the partner is very important.
Allow your personal space to expand, and respect the personal space of your loved one. After all, no one likes it when a relationship turns into heavy burdensome obligations.
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What not to do after a bad breakup
Psychologists have compiled a number of actions that should never be done after a painful breakup. These include the following:
- You should not expose your negative emotions to the public. To talk it out and get support, you can bring your problem to a loved one who will listen and support you in such a difficult time. This will have a positive effect on your condition and will make it easier to cope with the breakup. If you dedicate everyone to your mental torment, this will only aggravate the problem.
- You cannot humiliate yourself in front of your ex-partner and try to revive his feelings if the relationship has long been cleared up. This will only worsen the condition of the abandoned person, because he will again be rejected, which will negatively affect his already low self-esteem.
- You can't use other people to numb your own pain. New relationships should begin only when the past is abandoned. Only then will new love help you completely forget the painful breakup.
- You should not try to seek solace in alcohol, drugs or psychotropic substances. These methods will never help numb the pain. They will only add feelings of guilt and further reduce self-esteem. In addition, these bad habits will cause irreparable harm not only to the psyche, but also to health.
When thinking about how to forget a loved one, it is worth remembering that you need to rely solely on your own strength. Only independent clear awareness of what happened will help you confidently move towards a happy future.
Chemistry of love
Falling in love is a biochemical process of producing certain hormones (dopamine, serotonin and endorphins) that are responsible for pleasure and satiation with a partner. Pleasant sensations take over when you are near the object of love. The state of falling in love is comparable to drug intoxication. And when the next dose stops feeding, the addicted partner begins to experience withdrawal. This condition leads to 2 types of behavioral reactions:
- Victim complex. An abandoned person wallows in self-pity. The state of apathy can develop into clinical depression, from which only qualified specialists and medication can help find a way out. Self-criticism and self-flagellation destroy a person from the inside.
- Aggression. The opposite emotions in blaming oneself for all troubles are irritability and uncontrollable outbursts of anger. Such people often take revenge, humiliate, insult their ex or ex.
Both options are failures and will not bring peace. If you still love, then destroying self-esteem, as well as material values, will not help you come to terms with the separation or return your partner, it will only lead to a new cycle of suffering.
Opinion of Mikhail Labkovsky
All the tips described above are the canons of classical psychology, universal for all ages, both teenagers and women over 50 and 60 years old. But many psychologists are developing their own methods, moving away, in their opinion, from outdated canons. The world is developing, people's thinking is changing, and besides, there have always been people who are alien to universal methods. For those who value creativity, innovation and fresh solutions, there are many training practices on the YouTube video hosting site. Mikhail Labkovsky, who is widely loved by the female audience and gathers full houses at metropolitan and regional venues, answers in clear and understandable language on the radio station. You can watch the video below:
We will write down the main aspects here, in the form of a brief summary:
- The phrase “I was abandoned” is strictly prohibited.
According to the psychologist, the expression “I was abandoned” cannot be used in adult relationships. The wording hits hard on self-esteem and does not reflect the meaning of what is happening. Two people broke up, broke off an alliance in which someone betrayed someone or stopped loving someone. There is no such thing as sudden withdrawal; there are always signs, symptoms, and a cause. Suffering after a breakup has more to do with the inability to express grievances than with love. The man you love is gone, he’s not there, which means he’s not interested in you, he’s not interested in your life, your opinion, so why is he needed?
- There is no blame on the other woman.
No one was taken away from the couple, this is an axiom. If a man leaves, it means his feelings have cooled; if he cheated, it means he’s obviously cooled down. There’s no need to be killed and worry about the breakup, or to look for excuses for him or yourself. Relationships were initially unstable if there was no cooling in the couple or they turned a blind eye to it. Conflict is not born out of nowhere, just like the desire to leave for another person.
- Don't feel sorry for yourself, don't complain.
Anger and resentment cover your head, you want to tell the whole world what a scumbag he is? Why did you live with a scoundrel? Isn't it a joy to be freed from such a nasty person? He didn’t change overnight, just his actions and behavior were perceived differently. You may have seen him judging couples, making fun of a disabled person, or teasing a stray dog. But they chalked it all up to emotionality or something else. Your man became bad long before the breakup, but stability in the relationship was more important than moral character. Now he’s gone, don’t feel sorry for yourself, but breathe out and rejoice in being freed from the extra burden.
- It's normal to suffer after a breakup.
Feeling the urge to constantly cry or throw yourself into overdrive is an absolutely normal reaction to stress. But you don’t need to prove to him how popular and independent you are, don’t throw yourself under men, he doesn’t care. Go to the movies, clubs, cry into your pillow and eat ice cream. Release stress and accumulated emotions in a way that is more familiar to you. But don’t do this in front of your relatives and friends, don’t go into dirty details when telling the story. Those around you will never fully understand, and they may even judge you, driving your experiences deeper.
- It is not your fault.
Not with anything! There is no fault in the breakup of the union, he left not because the scale showed 5 kg more, or he stayed in the bathroom longer. A partner loves the whole woman, not her strengths or weaknesses. Of course, if you were the initiator of the breakup, it’s harder not to start blaming yourself, just as it’s harder not to stop thinking about returning and worrying about his condition, but this was a deliberate step, there was a reason for it. Stop at your motives and think about them, rather than looking for someone to blame.
Preparing a gift
While waiting for the person to return, organizing the moment when the meeting occurs helps cope with melancholy. If this does not happen soon, then creating a gift for his return should be serious and time-consuming. This activity is connected with the one who occupies all thoughts, and therefore it sincerely captivates and gives positive emotions. The one who knows how to write can compose a poem or story, the one who draws can paint a picture, etc. Preparing a surprise will become a new connection with a loved one.
How women cope with separation
Most often, women experience breakups more difficult than men. In addition, along with the pain of separation, they tend to experience love addiction. Men, in contrast, are less likely to follow the lead of their hormonal levels. Love addiction is characterized by suffering that develops into depression. This destructive state is very reminiscent of drug addiction, only instead of a prohibited drug, the woman feels the need for her object of passion. The depressive state in this case must be treated as soon as possible. If you do not do this on time, complete disappointment in love may come, and the woman will not be able to build a new healthy relationship.
A psychologist will tell you how to get over a breakup easier. Few women will be able to overcome and overcome their emotions without outside help. A specialist will understand the feelings and also help correct the distorted perception of self-esteem that often develops after a breakup. At the recovery stage, it is very important for a woman to understand that she was not left because she was bad. By realizing this with the help of a psychologist, she will be able to raise her self-esteem and move forward to new happiness.
How to survive a breakup with the man you love
Different girls recover from breakups in different ways—mostly because they deal with their pain and sadness differently. Someone cries into their best friend’s vest for a long time, someone doesn’t leave the house and doesn’t want to see anyone, someone breaks away and lights up so that there is no time or energy left for sadness (or for the same purpose they immerse themselves in work or study), and someone immediately starts a new relationship.
None of these methods can be condemned, because at this time a person acts to the best of his ability. But the most useful thing is to let yourself be sad, grieve for a departed relationship, draw conclusions and slowly return to life. This is painful and unpleasant, but this is the only way to save yourself from dancing on a rake called “confusion in a relationship with an ex,” which risks starting at any moment and dragging on headlong. If you want to return everything, then read the article on how to make a man fall in love, and if you definitely decide to forget everything, then read on.
It’s very difficult to cope if you broke up just recently. But you need to take care of yourself and stick to the chosen strategy in order to survive the separation and not break down. Here are some ways:
- Let yourself be sad. As much as needed, but at least a few days. Sad music, tears, tons of tissues and absolutely non-constructive thoughts - allow yourself all this. You need to cry to release your emotions. Don't overdo it with mourning: you are unlikely to need more than a few days for the active phase. Then gradually return to your normal routine. Thoughts about your ex and sadness will not go away yet, but you will start doing something else. You will be able to work, study, achieve success, have fun at parties, enjoy life and even enter into other relationships. This is grief. Don’t be afraid and don’t avoid him - this is the only way to fully survive your boyfriend’s departure and come out of the breakup a healthy person.
- Feel the state of being “at the bottom”. At some point, sobbing in the bathroom or staring mindlessly out the window, you will realize that things can’t get any worse, that this is the point of no return. This is a scary moment, but it is after it that you can begin to rise up. Focus on this moment, go through it consciously. Understand that this situation will not last forever, which means it’s time to rise from the bottom.
- Find support within yourself. Breaking up is a great experience to make sure that you are the only one you truly have. Everything else can disappear at any moment, no matter how alarming and sad it may sound. You need to feel that you are your own best friend, mother and best comforter. You need to find the strength within yourself to survive a difficult stage. And for this you will need to take care of yourself, love and pamper yourself a little. Remember yourself as a child and think what someone close to you would do if they saw you in this state. Did you sit on your lap, comfort you, give you something tasty, tell you something good, encourage you? Feel the warmth of the care you can receive. And which you can give to yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you find the strength to cope with difficulties.
- Don't blame me. If the guy initiated the breakup, you will probably start to think that you are not good enough. And if you decide to break up, you will be tormented by a feeling of guilt. Try to avoid both. Don't blame yourself for what you did or didn't do. Don't blame your partner for this either. You found yourself in a situation where you realized that you could not be together for some important reason - and this is good, albeit sad, news. It is better to break up with unsuitable people. Be angry at yourself or at the guy if you want, but don’t let the anger turn into guilt and make you responsible for the breakup. It is not your fault. And this breakup does not make you a worse person or someone who failed. Remember this, don't deny your value.
- Find another love. This is not a call to enter into a new relationship, it is an advice to remember other people whom you love and appreciate. Psychophysiology professor Barbara Fredrickson called love “micro-moments of positive feedback”—those moments when we feel connection and warmth towards other people. You need support. And hugging another loved one, hearing something pleasant from him or just words of consolation is invaluable support when breaking up.
- Do something for yourself. After a breakup, life often changes - and it’s worth taking advantage of. Listen to yourself: perhaps you will develop new interests. Or there will be time and opportunity to do something that was not possible to do in the relationship. Take up a new hobby, engage in self-education - this will help you take your mind off things. Find a group with similar interests - social interaction will be healing for you. A new hobby should bring joy and positive emotions. You can set yourself a quest to try all the “Napoleons” in the city, or do other frivolous things that bring pleasure. As you gain new experiences, you will notice that you feel not only loss, but also freedom.
- Rearrange your plans. When you feel better and a couple of weeks of acute pain are behind you, the time will come to rebuild your life for yourself. You probably planned something with your partner that now doesn't seem relevant. Think about what you would like to achieve from where you are now. Dream on. Set goals and figure out how to achieve them.
- Face reality. You will probably want to get in touch with your lost love, try to get everything back, see that he is also suffering and wants to get you back. Meet him or talk on the phone. Make sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship - none of you have changed for this and are not going to change. Such collisions are needed to quickly let a person go. They are painful, but important in order to give up your own hopes.
