- December 6, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Andrey Raiter
Romantic passion does not always bring people happiness and a sense of inner harmony. If feelings are unrequited or have no prospects for development for other reasons, they can bring their carrier a lot of internal experiences and anxieties, even mental illness. Both men and women find themselves in such an unpleasant situation. But in the second group, in conditions of long-term formation of love, there is a risk of deep immersion in dreams of a wonderful partner, which can ultimately develop into obsession.
Therefore, women and girls who find themselves in such a situation should rightly have a question: how not to get hung up on the man you like? It is obvious that there is intense work to be done on oneself, but initially it is necessary to set it in the right direction. Only in this case can one count on successfully resolving internal disharmony.
Features of female love affection
First, it’s worth understanding why this problem may be more acute for women than for representatives of the stronger half of humanity. The difference lies in the very mechanics of the formation of love. For men, this process happens faster, easier and simpler, since they take everything into their own hands, like conquerors. In addition, the male sex, as is known, “loves with his eyes,” so feelings for his beloved usually do not have a tight connection in the early stages. Accordingly, it is easier for them to let go of the object of love.
In the case of women, the process of forming feelings is more complex and multifaceted. They feel their partner more subtly, trying to evaluate him by his internal qualities and actions. Therefore, the value of the feeling that arises also increases. And if a woman is fixated on a man, then parting with an attachment that has developed for so long and difficultly will be much more difficult. That is why, at the first signs of a feeling of hopelessness in a love story, it is recommended to immediately begin working on the natural destruction of the slightest dreams about the partner you like.
Recognizing fixation in the early stages
Being inspired by the pleasant feeling of falling in love is quite natural for all people. But as soon as it turns into a painful concentration of attention on the object of love, this is the first sign that the emotional attachment to the person needs to be broken.
A woman in such a state may strive for constant control over a man, demand increased attention from him to herself, and at the same time ignore the personal interests of her partner. What is also important: her life in various manifestations loses its relevance and fades into the background. How not to get hung up on a man at this stage? If little time has passed, it makes sense to simply exclude such a person from your attention. A sober look at assessing the situation will help with this.
SOS! Obsession with men
How many relationships fail because of our feminine fixation on the beloved object! And how many relationships never begin, because this same object quietly disappears, sensing danger. And in the end, we are left with nothing, feeling lonely, unhappy, abandoned or simply unloved women. We cry into our mother’s or best friend’s vest, we complain about men who have completely disappeared in our time, and most importantly, we become obsessed with self-pity and injustice on a global scale.
And the reason for everything is not unfortunate fate and not at all the men who did not appreciate us, but our OBSESSION !
It is she who, with invisible energy waves, scares away all worthy men within a radius of a kilometer around, and if someone gets caught in our network, he immediately strives to escape, feeling how our fixation is squeezing his throat. And smothers, suffocates.
It would seem that it could be simpler to just stop obsessing. Everything will be fine then. And the relationship will work out, and personal happiness. But the problem is that not a single girl, woman, who is fixated on a man, is aware of this. This pattern of behavior arises in her life either from great self-doubt, or lack of awareness of her individual value, loss of self-esteem, and dislike of herself.
Therefore, first of all, you need to talk about how to understand that you are fixated on a man. Let's look at three options: if you are single, if you are in a relationship and if you are married.
So, if you're single and:
✓ You suffer from being lonely;
✓ You feel inferior because all your friends have been married for a long time, and you can’t even meet someone “normal”;
✓ Every time you go for a walk or meet with friends, you look for Him with your eyes;
✓ You constantly think what’s wrong with you, that you’re still alone;
✓ You are afraid that you may never meet your Love;
✓ You “try on” almost everyone you know for the role of a potential husband,
This means that the diagnosis of “ obsession ” has affected you too.
If you are already in a relationship and:
✓ You constantly worry why he doesn’t call;
✓ ...And in the end you still call him yourself and offer to meet him;
✓ You long to hear from him a declaration of love or at least the words: “How I miss you!”;
✓ You strive to start a conversation about the seriousness of your relationship, his intentions, plans, and so on;
✓ At some moments you step over yourself in order to preserve the relationship;
✓ You prefer to turn a blind eye to his behavior, which humiliates you in order not to be alone,
This means that you are “ stuck ” with this man.
If you are married and:
✓Constantly controlling your husband;
✓Do you think that you should spend all your free time together?
✓You get offended by him when he just wants to be by himself or, even worse, meet with friends;
✓You limit his freedom, you constantly forbid something;
✓You do not have your own interests, but live only in Him;
So you're obsessed with your husband!
What to do? You need to direct the energy that you focus on a man onto yourself. Engage in your development and improvement. But even this is not the main thing. The main thing is to awaken your feminine nature, self-love, and the ability to enjoy life! Realize your value, originality and uniqueness. Don't inflate your pride, no! Just become a worthy woman for a worthy man. (Read about this in the article “ What is a worthy relationship for you ?”). Find your hidden talents and abilities, begin to be interested in the world around you. After all, it consists not only of men!
And when a woman changes the focus of her attention, stops fixating on a man, a miracle happens. She blooms like the most beautiful flower, fragrant with a pleasant aroma. And if she is lonely , then men flock to this smell to taste it. Those men who can appreciate this scent. The most worthy. If she is in a relationship , then her chosen one, intoxicated by such a fragrance, will do everything so that she becomes his legal wife and mother of his future children. Well, if she is married , then her husband will fall in love with her again! All you have to do is change the focus of your excessive attention from a man to yourself and the world around you!
With love, Yulia Kravchenko
Fixing the problem
As soon as signs of obsession with a person have been recorded, the first thing you should do is confront yourself with the fact that there is a problem. Already by this moment you need to realize that life essentially began to belong to your lover, and this does not promise happiness. One can only expect vain sacrifice from such a relationship. In addition, a partner can take advantage of this position of a woman who has fallen in love with him for selfish purposes, which should also be thought about.
And again it’s worth returning to the question of how to stop obsessing over a man? The psychology of relationships suggests that such attachment can be compared to a severe bad habit, the craving for which is constantly fed. Without your loved one, there is a feeling of withdrawal, like a hangover, so you shouldn’t prepare for the easy way out. Further work will be hard, but it must be done first of all for your own sake.
Give free rein to feelings
Trying to completely lock yourself in a cocoon of experiences will be wrong. Since fixation on a man is in itself a powerful source of energy, it needs to be released with the same force. Concentrated feelings of pain, resentment and even anger should be released. The best way to do this is through tears, screams and even hysterics. Moreover, this must be done intentionally and regularly. This outburst of emotions is necessary to make room inside for new feelings and sensations.
If you are fixated on a man and feel only bright emotions towards him, this is a reason to look for negative aspects associated with him. They will definitely be found and they need to be emphasized, as well as pleasant moments, because of which there is a feeling of loss of one’s happiness.
Keeping your distance
After processing your emotional state, you can begin to take specific actions towards your lover. For example, how not to get fixated on a man if he is in the access zone and does not avoid contact? The first thing to do is remove all possible contact paths. The more direct connections there are, the stronger the need to think about it.
At the same time, indirect irritants that will remind you of the person you like should also be eliminated. If there are gifts, things, photographs and other items that are directly associated with the object of love, it is also recommended to get rid of them.
This recipe may seem cruel, but you can’t do without it. Memories are the very fuel for illusory plans for a happy future that will not happen. Moreover, in questions about how not to get hung up on a man with whom you have already had a relationship, a dilemma regarding the possibility of friendship often comes up. For many women, friendships seem to be the optimal and painless way out of such situations. There will be no more love attachment, but there will not be a complete break either. However, this approach is also undesirable. As psychologists' studies show, a friendship within which there is sympathy on at least one side will interfere with both in building other relationships.
The most terrible way
It consists in talking to this person, confessing your thoughts to him. It must be very scary to admit your feelings to another person, I went through this myself, my hands and legs were shaking violently, I still remember. The main thing is to understand for yourself, what if you think about a man and he, in turn, thinks the same about you? Is this possible? So ask him.
If a man answers negatively, you will be upset, as the emotion “I was rejected” will appear and you will understand for yourself how the man treats you, why regret all your life that you were afraid and did not ask at the time. So, what is better, to live in fantasy or to be a little realistic in order to understand the attitude towards yourself?
In our society, it is not accepted when a girl makes the first step and any girl thinks that the man himself would take the initiative. You know, it seems to me that this is an outdated strategy that only brings suffering and a large number of divorces after the wedding. While the girl waits for the man she likes to show initiative, she will be taken away by another man who is more proactive and persistent. But will the girl be happy? Time will show.
Ways to relieve pain
So, all contacts are deleted and life is organized in such a way that the object of affection will no longer remind of itself with its appearance, voice and messages. There is no need to look for new meetings, thoughts about which will still arise.
There will be fewer reasons to think about him, but the internal pain still lives and, perhaps, will increase due to the breakup. How not to get hung up on a man, but at the same time soften the pain of losing him completely? It is necessary to speak out and talk through your experiences. If in the first stages we were talking about an emotional outburst, then in this case it is necessary to express specific feelings associated with the current situation.
You can use a personal diary as a tool for pouring out your soul, regularly writing down in it those feelings that haunt you. But it’s even better if you have the opportunity to tell close friends and girlfriends about what’s happening. Such conversations do not fundamentally change the situation, but they improve the psychological state.
The more you think, the less you think
A paradoxical way to get rid of thoughts is to force yourself to think about a man more and more, just screw yourself up with thoughts so that images only about him come out of all the cracks. You need to get over it, get enough of it.
This is the example of my sister, who as a child loved strawberries very much, and at the age of 15 she ate a lot of them, to the point of nausea. Since then she has been indifferent to strawberries. Here the meaning is the same, we just need to let our psyche get over it, experience it, and re-realize all the thought processes aimed at a man.
But don’t think badly of a man; there is no need to attribute something that is not in him. The goal should simply be thought stronger and more consciously, and not overshadowed by bad thoughts about it. This way you will harm yourself even more, but we love ourselves, so let’s treat ourselves the same way.
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How to fill life without your beloved man?
The next step will be practical activities aimed at changing lifestyle or habits. How not to get hung up on a man if all your attention is focused only on him for a long time? These thoughts can be crowded out by specific regular activities, work, hobbies, hobbies, and spending leisure time with the same friends. During this period, you cannot stay in a confined space without any distracting ways to spend your time. If such classes have never happened before, this is a great reason to start them. A busy life with all its worries and tasks will help take attention away from your lover.
Searching for new love
Due to the instability of the emotional state in the first time after a breakup, it is not recommended to immediately start a new relationship. In this state, it is impossible to build a full-fledged love relationship, since the partner will have to deal with problems that do not concern him. However, this step is something to keep in mind if you're fixated on a man. How to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and inferiority that will certainly arise if a man does not reciprocate? Of course, only a new partner will help with this, whose love will become a kind of healing factor. But, again, you should open up to new love relationships some time after the old man has been crossed out.
Why are you obsessed with thoughts about a man?
Photo by cottonbro: Pexels
Before you try to solve a problem, you need to know where it came from. Why, instead of doing thousands of interesting things, are you worried about what the other person thinks and feels?
- You are afraid of loneliness.
You may not even feel great sympathy for this man, but it is painful for you to be alone with yourself.
You are haunted by thoughts that no one needs you and that very soon you will meet old age in an embrace with a couple of cats.
You become attached to another person in the hope that he can make you happy, because you yourself don’t know how to get rid of the feeling of unbearable existential emptiness that consumes more and more of your space every day.
- You are nostalgic for lost happiness.
Former partners can poison life, even if they have been living on the other side of the globe for 100 years and do not remind them of themselves in any way. The brain quickly forgets the bad and helpfully begins to throw up pleasant memories.
How to stop thinking about a man who doesn't care about you?
This is directly related to survival, otherwise women who have experienced wild pain would not have decided to have another birth. Did your ex often raise his voice at you? It was unpleasant, but he apologized so romantically. If you're not currently in a relationship, you may subconsciously want to relive those "happy" moments.
- You're in love with him.
But you can’t order your heart, or more precisely, your hormones. Initially, you yourself decided that he was important to you, and then all the senses became involved and began to persistently search for any information about him. You walk through a shopping center, smell perfume and immediately think about it. The body releases a bomb of serotonin, adrenaline, dopamine and oxytocin and you can no longer control yourself.
- You love riddles.
Miss Marple would be proud of you. Or, more likely, she would sympathize, because not every woman is “lucky” to become a magnet for dubious individuals. You want to understand his subtle mental organization, but he wants to go to another continent to restore Machu Picchu. You are intrigued by its mystery, and you dream of understanding what is hidden behind it.
- You are repeating the patterns of the past.
If your previous relationship was toxic, you still feel the pain and are still attached to it. At first glance, it seems that when faced with an abuser, it would be logical to stay as far away from such people as possible. But in reality, everything is not so simple. You are filled with resentment and resentment and want to correct past mistakes with a new partner.
