Darkness, emptiness, melancholy, hopelessness - this is how people most often define the situation when talking about the betrayal of their husband or wife. “I will never forgive you. Treason is the end, I’ll leave right away,” theorists of the issue most often say. When it comes to practice, thoughts change. I don't make excuses for traitors. I want to help those who had to find out about their partner's betrayal.
Why do husband and wife cheat? Reasons for cheating
- The most common reason, common for men and women, is lack of love. The second half is busy with work, children, friends; no time for each other, impossible to have a dialogue, no sex - the most common components that make up this cocktail. At this moment, a person becomes an easy victim: a nice girl will pay attention, smile, say: “You are the smartest, kindest, sexiest”... Or vice versa - a man will come across who will talk about “amazing eyes, lips” and so on. In such a situation, there is something to work with, you can save your family.
- The second reason is that we didn’t have enough fun. There are no special excuses here, but there is hope that you will have some fun.
- They cheat for new sensations: they have become bored, they are not attracted to their husband (wife), they want something different. Utopian option. As a rule, the saying “An old horse does not spoil the furrow” is remembered too late.
- A new love breaks out - there’s nothing to talk about, anything can happen.
Harsh statistics say that 70% of men and 50% of women cheat at least once in their lives. Moreover, most of them regret it, they do not want the betrayal to happen again or for half of them to find out about it.
Men are more likely to cheat due to physical attraction . But it is important to remember that in betrayal, as in any problem in family life, both are always to blame. Look at yourself in the mirror, remember your conversations over the week, think about the last time you had sex. Do you know the date exactly? That is, he is on schedule, by mutual agreement, in agreed upon positions?
Not guilty, you say? Men need sex. They have not given birth, their hormones are normal, and at some point their brain descends into the organ between their legs. This means that you either have to live taking this into account, or not look for evidence of male infidelity, especially if you are not ready to find it!
Women cheat with their ears . It is so important for them to hear about their uniqueness, originality, to receive gifts and romantic messages from fans. Women want to be loved. If men read this, they will say: “Yeah, they want money, an apartment, and a car.” This is true! But practice shows that without love, or rather, without manifestations of this love, it is difficult for a woman. And as soon as there is a man who admires her, she will hardly resist. And sex is more of an inevitability that occurs on the initiative of the admirer.
What can you say to make her feel ashamed?
Unfortunately, it is impossible to change the wife’s attitude towards her own actions. A person is either ashamed or not. Therefore, among the answers to the question: “What to do if my wife cheated on me,” you are unlikely to find a step-by-step guide on how to call an unfaithful woman to her conscience. As a rule, lovers give what women lack in everyday life:
- sexual and moral satisfaction;
- male attention;
- well-being, peace of mind.
Can’t remember the last time you complimented her, spent time together, or gave her gifts? Then you should not expect that your beloved will sincerely repent of what she has done.
If the betrayal occurred spontaneously, by an absurd accident or as a result of coercion, any attempts to shame will only make the situation even worse. It will probably be difficult for your legal companion to survive what happened even without your reproaches. At a time when a woman so needs the support of a loved one, any insults and humiliation can lead to deep depression. Treat relationship problems wisely, weigh the pros and cons, and look for rational ways to resolve the conflict. Act not only in your own interests, think about what the future holds for your marriage.
Not only men are puzzled about how to behave correctly after the betrayal of their other half. Conscientious wives also torment themselves with questions like: “What should I do if I cheated on my husband?” Psychologists advise thinking through all possible scenarios in advance, and not hiding what is most likely to become obvious. Adultery is a serious test for a family, which must be overcome together.
Treason: is it possible to save a family?
In fact, a very common option is not physical, but emotional betrayal: correspondence with “objects” on social networks, SMS, fantasies. And we can’t say that this is a safe option. A serious feeling often grows out of it, and then it is difficult to save the family.
Is it worth it? Everyone decides for themselves. Most try to save the marriage, and, I must say, successfully. Couples need to find a reason and talk it out. You have to survive the insult and be able to move on. And after everything has been clarified, discussed and an end has been put, it is strictly forbidden to return to this topic! If every day is everything, it’s a dead end, you can’t get out of it.
The traitor must realize, draw conclusions and never repeat such actions! Otherwise, it’s also a dead end. Option one - put yourself in the place of your half, imagine an avalanche of this destructive pain... And even better - imagine these feelings before a destructive thought enters your head. Because of lust and whim, you can lose everything that is truly valuable in life.
Betrayal can be forgiven and survived if there is love and respect. You should not share this with anyone you know. They will definitely remind you later and give a lot of emotional advice. It is better to consult a psychologist or specialist. After all, your friends will almost certainly tell you: “But I will never forgive!” But they are not the ones in your place now.
Tips to help you quickly forget about your wife's infidelity
A psychologist will help you on how to forget your wife’s infidelity, but it will cost time and money, so few couples decide to choose this path. And even the presence of help from a third party does not guarantee results, because “another person’s soul is in the dark.” These tips, which psychologists often give during consultations to couples who have encountered betrayal, will be useful to you too:
- Don't delay forgiveness. If you are mature, then report your decision. Not everyone is able to trust each other right away. This will take time, but both of you must be confident in yourself and your desire to save the relationship. Saying that you forgive and forgiving are not the same thing, but you have to start somewhere.
- Do not remind her of what happened during quarrels, do not blame her when you discuss the reasons for the betrayal and the conditions of her surrender. If she loves, then she has already exhausted herself enough: it’s time to stop hurting each other.
- Accept that what happened is partly your fault. If you forgive her, it means that she is not a cynical and indifferent cheater. Something happened that provoked betrayal: little attention, little love. Correct this on your part so that you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Your relationship must move to a new level for both of you, otherwise within a year you will again find yourself in this swamp of pain from betrayal.
- Agree to talk through your problems, and not wait until one of you goes to the left. Do not underestimate the help of a psychologist if you are very different people and find it difficult to coexist peacefully. This will help you forgive faster.
- Don't beg her to come back if she wants to break up after cheating. It’s not for nothing that relationships are compared to a game of ping pong. Now you have the ball and only you decide how to play next. As soon as you give in, she will decide that she can do anything, including cheating. Then nothing will save the relationship.
Knowing how to forgive a wife after cheating is meaningless if there is no desire and strong feelings, it gives a man strength. You don’t have to be together out of habit to take revenge or get yours back. Both of you must clearly understand that you cannot live without each other and will never again risk the relationship by letting another man or woman into it. If there is no such feeling, and trust has been lost, despite all attempts, then let go and do not stop yourself from becoming happy with another woman.
If your wife cheats: 4 types of women
It is not customary to talk about this topic, especially publicly. After all, it is painful, difficult to understand and causes a flurry of emotional assessments from others. But we will try to understand the origins of the problem and understand why women cheat.
Let me give you a letter from a reader as an example.
“Larissa, there are still two weeks until we communicate on Skype, and I’m going crazy. Maybe you can write an article about my problem? I know I will be judged, there will be a lot of angry opinions, but I don’t care anymore. I am 31 years old, I am married, we have two children, they are 8 years old and 3 years old. I returned to work from maternity leave, fell in love with my boss, and cheated on her. The husband found out, forgave, and doesn’t say anything bad. But I’ve been destroying myself for a year now, I hate myself, I can’t live. How could I? I don’t understand... Yes, there were problems at home, but is that an excuse? Analyze, I beg you, the reasons for female infidelity! Help me survive!
When we talk about male infidelity, then everything is clear to us, women: he is a goat, she is a victim. And when is it the other way around? Would you say this is an exception? Meanwhile, in my work I constantly encounter female infidelities. And here we can distinguish several categories:
- Women who cheat regularly throughout their marriage. This does not bother them and often suits the husband. They are partners and friends, but sex has not been going well for a long time, and these infidelities are committed for the sake of physical satisfaction. No long-term relationships, emotions or love. There are very few such stories, and such women do not come to a psychologist because of infidelity, mentioning them incidentally in the context of another problem.
- Cheating with the aim of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” - her husband cheated, she took revenge. Relationships rarely survive after this.
- Cheating as a result of great love. As a rule, the family also breaks up and a new one is created, with the object of passion.
- But most often wives like the author of the letter come to me. It seemed to them that they were loved, appreciated, respected, adored, but in the end they got what they deserved. In such betrayals, emotional experiences dominate, not sex. There is a lot of correspondence in them and there is a touch of romance. Such relationships have no prospects, they quickly get tired of them, but they suffer greatly when it all ends!
Can't cope with your emotions?
Leave. But do it like a human being:
- come up with a reason;
A business trip, a seminar, a competition, a missed mother, a friend in a cast. There are many reasons to suddenly leave for a week.
- set deadlines;
There is no need to play intrigue. State your expected return date.
- do not refuse obligations;
If you have joint responsibilities, do not refuse them. Leave or promise to send money for the child, leave instructions for work, stay in touch. But make sure that you won’t be able to talk much: “the intense program of the symposium,” “mom is tired of the noise.”
- don't talk about the real reason for the trip.
This is not burying your head in the sand. Henpecked people don't do that. They continue to “not notice.”
A trip is not an escape, but a pause to strategize. You need to think it over calmly. Understand how to relate to your wife’s betrayal and draw up an action plan. Well, get drunk, after all.
An unscheduled “business trip” will save you from mistakes. There will be no temptation to bring your spouse out to talk, stress your children, or share your experiences with friends. Give yourself time to cool down. Then you can act in your own interests.
Cheating on your husband: what next?
Statistically, women experience much more severe remorse after cheating than men. And they often go with this feeling of guilt to a specialist. This is truly one of the best ways to help yourself.
- If you want to deal with this yourself, then look for and analyze the reasons! It will become easier.
- Whether or not to talk about cheating on your husband, I cannot decide for you, but you can ask for his forgiveness both in thoughts and in actions. This will make it easier for you.
- If you are a believer, contact a pastor, this often helps.
- Be careful with confessions to friends and relatives; very often such confessions turn against you.
- Prevention is everything! Talk to your husband, have a constant dialogue, don’t be silent. Dear men, please communicate with your wives! After all, sometimes you can lose a loved one because of stupidity.
- Be sure to rest! Lack of rest and constant stay “within four walls” throws you into the arms of the first person who calls you.
- Men, speak kind words to women. After all, they love with their ears. Even a message once a day with a kind word is already good!
- Live each other’s lives, share your partner’s interests, be interested in his work. You should be united by something other than children.
- If an “accident” happens, still try to maintain the relationship. This is possible if you are important and need each other.
- There is no need to categorically assert that betrayal cannot be forgiven, that to forgive means not to respect yourself. Only very wise and strong people are capable of forgiveness. They deserve great respect!
Treason has occurred - what to do?
In most cases, upon learning about his wife's betrayal, a man's whole world collapses. But the first thing a deceived husband should think about is that he is not the first person to whom a woman has cheated. Therefore, you need to calm down and under no circumstances reach for the bottle.
A sober head is what is very important in this situation. It is certainly necessary to talk with your wife and understand what happened, but only when the first wave of male emotions subsides, otherwise it will not be a conversation, but a debriefing, which, as a rule, ends in a scandal.
Causes
During a calm conversation with his wife, a man can understand what exactly pushed his companion to such an act:
- she has run out of feelings for her husband;
- she developed feelings for another person;
- she believes that some of the blame for the betrayal lies with her husband - he shows coldness, is not affectionate enough, and so on;
- she cheated, deciding to take revenge on her husband for his betrayal.
Important! A woman, unlike men, cannot cheat only physically; for them, cheating is a conscious act, in most cases, based on feelings.
After such a conversation, the husband must understand what pushed his wife to cheat, and what percentage of the blame for what happened lies with him. Then, having the information in hand, you can weigh everything and make a decision regarding forgiving your wife or leaving the family.
In some cases, a wife may cheat with one goal - to leave her husband. Weakness of character does not allow her to come up and talk about the breakup, and by cheating, she pushes her husband to break up, which he himself will initiate.
Other women try to diversify their family life in this way. If a woman is used to being in the public eye, she is a bright and demonstrative person, and her husband leads a quiet and measured lifestyle, it is quite possible that she lacks emotions.
Reaction
Cheating is a scandal, tears, breaking dishes, mutual accusations, and then... sweet reconciliation in bed. By the way, it is quite possible that the woman did not actually cheat on her husband.
Important! Therefore, before deciding how to live after your wife’s betrayal, you need to clearly understand - was there any betrayal?
If the cheating woman herself wants to leave, you shouldn’t persuade her, ask her to stay, or use various prohibited techniques (scare her with suicide, etc.).
Such behavior is unworthy of a real man, and then the woman will not have the slightest doubt that her betrayal is not a mistake.
Reconcile or divorce?
First, weigh all the facts:
Was there really any betrayal?
Any information must be verified. It’s one thing if a man saw everything with his own eyes. There is no doubt about it.
If the incriminating evidence was provided by a “caring well-wisher,” then everything needs to be double-checked. People sometimes have amazing motives for doing stupid things.
Was it one betrayal or a long-term relationship with another?
One-time drunken sex with the first colleague you come across can be forgiven. There is no fatal misfortune in this. Moreover, if the wife herself told about what happened and is clearly “on guard.”
An affair that lasts for years is a completely different story. This is more difficult to forgive, and is it even necessary?
Are you family or roommates?
Do your passports have stamps confirming your relationship? Then the spouse’s indignation is justified.
If you are just bedmates, then no one has the right to demand fidelity. Did you agree on anything at all when you moved in together? Or was it convenient for one, the other dreamed of “marriage”, and now everyone is equally outraged?
What kind of marriage is this for everyone?
They often try to save their first marriage. They also cherish long-term relationships.
When everyone has an army of ex-partners behind them, another divorce doesn’t really hurt. It is perceived as another natural stage.
Do you have children?
It is easier for childless couples to decide on divorce: they do not harm anyone with their choice.
With children everything is different. You can’t sort things out in front of them. They should be told when everything is 100% resolved. It is also better not to remember the fact of betrayal until a certain age.
Teenagers will take someone's side (and not necessarily yours). Their reactions are difficult to predict. Some will defend the mother: “What does she have to catch with you?” Others will stand up for their father: “Dad, I want to stay with you!”
Babies are more attached to their mother, this is a feature of the age of up to 6 years. But the disappearance of their father and scandals will still have a bad effect on their psyche. Although psychologists from every TV scream: “You can’t live together just for the sake of the children! Children will feel that their parents feel bad around them!”
Dads who are actively involved in their children's lives have the hardest time. On the one hand, they cannot come to terms with betrayal. On the other hand, they do not want to part with their children. Still, meeting on weekends and living together 24/7 are two different things. And the court rarely leaves children with their fathers.
A son or daughter is another reason to fight for the family (when possible). Children are also a reason to part ways civilly and carefully. Consult a child psychologist - there’s no way around it.
Do you have anything to share?
Before deciding to divorce, consult with a lawyer. He will help you disperse correctly and on time.
You can talk to a notary even before clarifying your relationship with your wife. When there is something to share (children, real estate, cars, business), every word plays a role.
The reason for the divorce is the proven fact of his wife’s infidelity? At the same time, does your spouse have a reputation as an exemplary family man? A lawyer can fight for most of the property.
A man went to the left to take revenge on his wife for cheating? Did your spouse come to the rescue and collect evidence? You are on an equal footing, you have no advantages. And if before a spree a man “threw out his resentment” with his fists, then the wife can turn the situation in her direction. It is enough to document physical injuries.
Were there any mistakes on your part? What was your relationship like before the betrayal?
Nothing justifies cheating, but understanding the reasons is helpful. How were things with feelings, household chores, money, responsibility for children?
Have you cheated on your wife?
To understand how to feel about your wife’s betrayal, you need to look at yourself from the outside. You don't have to tell her, admit it to yourself. And react based on that.
Are you ready to forgive betrayal?
To forgive is not to reproach, not to blackmail. You will need to learn to communicate, go to a psychotherapist. Is this marriage worth the effort?
It is worth saving the family if infidelity is the wife’s mistake, and not her way of life. You can return the relationship if both are ready to change for each other. Cheating in families happens more often than people talk about. Couples who have experienced infidelity remain silent about it and do the right thing.
Although fashion is such that you can make a business out of any situation. Start a channel on Tiktok or YouTube, talk about cheating online, and get rich. Then release the bestsellers: “I cheated on my husband and stayed with him forever” and “How one betrayal saved the family.”
Cheating on your wife is a reason to reconsider your life. And finally do something about it. It's offensive and painful. But Alzheimer's disease or paralysis after an accident is much worse.
How to deal with your wife's betrayal? It all depends on the context of your situation. Do you want to save your family? Does your wife want the same? Are you ready to start all over again together? Or has no one in the family been happy for a long time, but there was no reason to separate? Make decisions based on these facts. And what people say is the next thing.
