There is probably not a single woman on Earth who would not ask the question “How to become loved and desired?”
Loving and being loved is a natural need inherent in us by nature itself.
In this article I want to talk about why some women fall in love and love so much that they themselves burn in a volcano of passion, losing themselves. At the same time, many of them choose men who are absolutely unworthy of them as the object of their love.
Why do women shift their focus from themselves to other people? Why do they give up basic things: comfort, communication with loved ones, friends, children - just to be close to a person who, it would seem, is not worth their little finger? And can this be fixed?
Find out here >>>
What exactly are these women looking for in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, gigolos, or simply insensitive, irresponsible, infantile men? Why do they become dependent on them and cannot break the vicious circle of toxic relationships? We will find answers to these and other questions today together with psychotherapist Robin Norwood.
This article is dedicated to women who love “too much.” If you yourself are one of them, or there are such women in your circle, be sure to recommend that they read this.
To write this material, I used two popular books in the United States by relationship therapist Robin Norwood:
- “Women who love too much. If “loving” means “suffering” for you, this book will change your life”;
- "Everyday Reflections for Women Who Love Too Much."
Robin Norwood works with women who find themselves in difficult life situations and confused in their relationships. She helps them understand their feelings, understand and realize their own ideas about love, reconsider their views on men, change the manner of giving and receiving love.
Robin is confident that any woman can get out of a toxic relationship that destroys her if she can accept and love herself.
Psychology of men
Men don't tend to leave relationships when emotions pass; instead, they create new connections. Therefore, a woman’s efforts are concentrated on how to remain desirable to a man. It is impossible to return the old feelings: hormones will no longer rage so much, the woman’s mystery has been lost, and the man has gotten his way.
There are many charming girls around, and there are no restrictions in admiring them. The correct position is that every time, paying attention to someone’s radiant eyes, the husband cannot forget about the merits of his wife and returns mentally and soul to her. The presence of infidelity also depends on the man’s upbringing.
Human psychology is such that his opinion about himself is transmitted to others on a subconscious level. Therefore, no matter how good your appearance or how happy your position in society may be, if there is dissatisfaction with yourself inside, it will definitely be felt by your partner.
How to be needed by people?
How to become needed by someone, how to be needed by people? To do this, you need to shift the focus of your attention from yourself, your opinions and views to OTHER.
This means that we move away from a self-centered position into compassion and empathy. We learn to see and understand WHAT the other person WANTS, what is in his soul, in his head.
Why is this necessary?
Initially, all people are self-centered. This is a childish personality trait in which a person believes that everyone around him sees things exactly the same as he does. Normally, by the age of 7-8, egocentrism should weaken and gradually pass, yielding to the understanding that the other has his own vision, his own needs and experiences in his head.
But many people get stuck in a self-centered position. Thus, they condemn themselves to the inability to take the place of another person. Resting in his own views, such a person is unable to UNDERSTAND another.
Accordingly, without understanding the other,
How can you become the right person???
Well, how? If you are guided by your own and only your own attitudes, what is good and what is evil. And you even “do good” only based on your own worldviews, without asking the other person.
After all, to be needed by people is to FALL into the need of Another and be able to satisfy it.
Even if you know how to do something or have some value, you need this “something” to be valuable to other people. You can be a virtuoso musician, a first-class salesman, a pilot, a helicopter pilot, an astronaut... Yes, anyone. But it may not be needed by the people you want to need. Because this ability of yours will not meet their needs.
However,
And, at the same time, people have the SAME needs that everyone (almost) needs. These are more universal psychological needs to be accepted, understood, appreciated. Laugh, have fun, relax, enjoy life.
That is why, how to become needed by someone - it makes sense to develop such qualities in yourself as :
- - ability to listen and hear
- -understanding
- -sympathy
- -sense of humor
- - ease of climbing
- -positive outlook on life
- - support, encouragement
Mysteriousness
A woman is attracted by her beauty, but it is impossible to hold anyone back with her appearance. If after meeting and communicating with the image of perfection there is no atmosphere of interest, intrigue, desire to exchange thoughts and impressions, it can just as well be replaced by another, prettier or more developed personality.
To become desired by the man you love, as some believe, you need to be a sincere friend. But you shouldn’t completely open up to him. After all, the moment comes when you want to open your whole soul to your chosen one.
But when such moments pass, you will certainly have to face a cooling-off period. And if a woman thinks that there is nothing mysterious and unusual about her, she needs to work on herself.
You can acquire mystery in your own eyes by diversifying your life with creativity and unusual skills, and others will subsequently begin to notice this. It is useful to learn psychological techniques and practice them, getting pleasure from it day after day.
It would be wrong to believe that the life of a married woman does not belong to her, and all she is supposed to do is keep the house clean and maintain the mood of her partner. During each day there should be time allocated for personal development, as a result of which a degree of mystery will naturally appear in it.
To the self-development of the individual, which enriches life, one’s own and the couple’s as a whole, it is worth adding high self-esteem, a share of elusive magnetism and unpredictability. After all, the so-called “mystery” combines several qualities at the same time. Every woman should independently discover in herself those individual traits that she, first of all, values in herself.
Being needed is...
How to be needed?
I am constantly faced with the confusion of the concept of “ being the right person ” or “ being needed ” in people’s heads.
Because they try to stuff who and what into this phrase.
Who is the need to be loved. Who is the need to feel valued. Or, it is possible that the concept of “being needed” includes a sense of one’s own social security. Let's figure it out?
Necessity comes from the word “need”. After all, here we see the same root “need”. That is, the urgent importance of some significant object, thing. The need can be for any benefit. Moreover, a lack of something important can occur not only among people, but also among those “whom we have tamed.”
And, thus, to be needed (needed) means to be capable, to have a resource to satisfy someone’s needs. Do you agree?
And then, what is the difference between “being loved”?
To be loved, as opposed to needed, is to be admired. And admiration here will be like the highest degree of “like.” We feel loved when another person does actions and says words towards us that show that we are liked very much. Just as we are, without embellishing anything.
Somewhere nearby is the feeling of “being valuable.” To be valuable to someone is to see that your personality is very valuable and respected. They listen to you. They see you, they hear you. They don't want to change you to suit themselves. At the same time, you are an authority, your opinion is important.
Those who put a sense of their own social security into the concept of “being needed” usually mean the fear that “without a pack, without a team and others, I will not survive.”
Based on the above, do you still want to be needed?
Determine a list of qualities
It is human nature to improve, so it is quite natural to realize one’s shortcomings and strive for the best, to develop certain skills and character traits.
Before becoming attractive to others, being loved and desired by a man, as psychologists advise, a woman should honestly answer the question of what exactly she values herself for. Then look in the direction of the desired qualities and note those that are missing.
Thinking about ways to improve your personality is a big part of the journey to valuing yourself and loving yourself. When this happens, the inner radiance will spill onto the surface of the soul, and life in a new quality awaits the person, no matter what it touches.
Get slim, learn how to cook deliciously, play a musical instrument, become a designer, and if this is a need for education, write out a step-by-step plan for “moving from point A to point B.”
Then, to the extent possible, apply the same to other achievements. “Investment” in yourself is always profitable, and given that it will bring happiness, it is worth putting it in priority over all other things and moving towards your happiness.
Loneliness in the crowd
In this article you will learn:
Reading blogs and pages of social networks, you are sometimes amazed at how widespread the notorious “loneliness in a crowd” is in our time. And not necessarily among single people; married people are sometimes no less mentally lonely.
It’s also sad to note how accustomed people are to masking this in themselves. Someone posts funny statuses like “I don’t need anyone, because I’m beautiful on my own.” Or even the ridiculously hackneyed “I’m hard to find and easy to lose.” Sometimes it seems that this is written about socks in general. But the frequency and speed of changing these statuses to similar ones indicates that the status holder never cares about his loneliness.
Those who are not used to camouflage, do not complain about fate, begin to actively look for a way out. The motivation here can be anything. The man you like or the lack thereof. Especially if you have a “clock-tick-tock” program in your head. Or your own painfully pushing from within “I’m not like that”, “there is much better”. And “you have to fight for happiness, grab hold of it and not give it to anyone.”
Time to love yourself
Every day a woman should devote time to her soul and body, both in terms of development and relaxation. The ideal option is to have a rich, interesting life for yourself. The “radiation” of such a woman, the results of her work and development will stimulate those who are paired with her.
A schedule drawn up for a month helps to concentrate efforts in the right direction and use time rationally. But among the courses, trainings, and mandatory tasks, you need to find free space for a “personal page.”
This hour or minutes devoted exclusively to oneself is time that should be spent with pleasure, in detachment from worries, as a kind of energy recharge.
But this method also has another function: after attention is regularly and automatically drawn to oneself, the feeling of one’s own “weight”, “significance” in one’s eyes naturally grows, which will certainly affect one’s self-esteem.
And a woman who at some time intends to consider herself worthy of the best, for example, to eat only healthy foods, will not want to behave differently in other fundamental issues.
Time spent with pleasure leaves a reflection of “holiday” in the soul, sets you up for success, and mobilizes you for new exploits. At the same time, psychological dependence on others is reduced, as well as the likelihood of a nervous breakdown and prolonged depression, when it will take more than an hour or two to restore mental strength. All this adds its share of charm to a person’s everyday behavior and attracts the sympathy of others.
Why women choose negative relationships
Robin Norwood uses the concepts of “loving too much” and “loving too much” in her books. What does she mean? At what point does “ordinary” love become “too much”?
“...The phenomenon of “too much love” is a special syndrome of thoughts, feelings and actions...” writes the author. We are talking primarily about women who are literally obsessed with their lover and overly fixated on him, women who are dependent on men and have dysfunctional relationships with them.
How do you know if you are “too much” in love with a man? How to determine that your love has turned from creative to pathological? There is a small test for this.
Pay attention to the place your man occupies in your conversations and your thoughts.
When most of our conversations with close friends and girlfriends are devoted to him - his problems, his thoughts, his feelings - and almost all our sentences begin with “He ...”, we love too much.
In such situations, love is often associated with suffering. Such women think that if they endure, please and satisfy all the needs of a man, then he will magically change for the better and become what they dream of.
They live in such relationships for years, enduring indifference, bragging, insults, bullying and even beatings. And they sincerely hope that someday everything will suddenly change and be different.
At the same time, women even justify their faithful:
- “He had a difficult childhood”;
- “Nobody understands him except me”;
- “He has no job, no salary and no opportunities”;
- “Yes, he is withdrawn and rude, but he loves me!”
From all of the above, we can conclude: if “loving” for us means “suffering,”
then we love too much.
It is no coincidence that Robin Norwood puts this idea in the title of his book.
She writes:
We love too much if our partner is not suitable for us, does not value us and does not pay attention to us, and yet we not only cannot part with him, but, on the contrary, the craving and attachment to him only intensifies.
Financial independence
Financial independence plays an important role, allowing you to model a lifestyle that is independent of circumstances and other people. Awareness of material wealth brings a sense of self-worth, the ability to manage your life, allocate funds for self-care, be the mistress of your appearance, and, in the end, of your destiny.
It’s great if additional income appears in the life of a woman who is active in all respects, a good housewife, an exemplary employee. Even if it is not there, there is that, albeit a small part of the funds that can be spent exclusively on personal needs or pleasures.
Whether it’s cosmetic procedures, beautiful lingerie, saving money to make a dream come true, or buying candy - this state of affairs benefits self-esteem and attractiveness to people around you in the end.
Self-development
To remain interesting to a man not only externally, but also as a person, you must not forget about intellectual development. The twenty-first century has brought so many opportunities into our lives! To study and learn something new, you don’t have to go to the library or even to a university for another higher education. Today information can be obtained:
- from the Internet;
- on spiritual development courses;
- on professional development courses;
- from books - whatever you say, they still remain relevant and necessary.
Learning something new, re-reading immortal classics of literature, finding interesting hobbies and activities for yourself - this brings great pleasure and benefit to the woman herself!
Combining roles
A lover and a friend in one person is a rare phenomenon. But it is precisely this combination of qualities that allows you to remain desirable to your man. As always, a woman will not cease to be surrounded by worries and her own problems, but she should not allow their boundaries to merge with the sphere of carefreeness and love.
If a partner manages to provide support, give advice, act as a psychologist, and at the same time, do not forget about her own charm, bring lightness and playfulness to communication, the man will appreciate her skill.
Protecting this space, making it “sacred”, skillfully transforming from an attentive listener into a “passionate doll” will provide balance in the relationship in order not to close oneself off from each other, and so that communication is meaningful.
How to become loved in a critical situation?
The most important step is to try to look at your life impartially and recognize the severity of the problem
.
Women who love too much can almost never get out of the “love trap” on their own - they need the help of a psychotherapist. If there are such women around you, you should understand this.
It's not their fault that they love too much. They simply unconsciously project behavioral patterns learned in childhood onto their adult lives.
But if such women still decide to change, then they gradually turn from a suffering person into one who loves herself enough not to suffer “just like that.”
We'll talk about what this means next...
On topic: Self-love. The main ingredient in the recipe for your happiness
Advice from psychologists
How to always be desirable to a man? Advice from experts is as follows:
- Naturalness. If you are not confident in a man’s feelings, this is not a reason to lower your self-esteem, and perhaps in this case you need another person. It is acceptable to use minor tricks to keep the spark alive, but radically changing one’s personality in order to conform to an invented ideal is not justified. Sooner or later the tension will bring everything to naught.
- Femininity. Extreme care and bottomless simplicity are associated with the nanny and “the guy,” but, as we know, these images do not inspire passion. Parental care and masculine angularity need to be replaced with tenderness, independence, and a little “fragility” and capriciousness should be added. And such a young lady avoids using foul language or discussing her competitors behind her back.
- Tenderness. Calling a guy by a diminutive and moderately affectionate nickname is another way to become desirable to a man. How can this not affect his pride? From time to time, emphasize his merits, remind him of his merits and talents. Touching is also a way to show affection.
- Looseness. Prohibitions and secrets are not for intimate life, which is an important component of relationships. Giving your loved one freedom in the intimate sphere is one of the secrets of how to always be desired by a man.
- Restraint in words. Most women are talkative and men don't like it. Not everything that has accumulated inside is useful to express to your husband; there are topics on which a friend or acquaintance would better support. You should not get to the point where a man begins to avoid a woman’s company because of her excessive talkativeness.
Advice to ladies: find out from your man what qualities are valuable to him in a partner. Understanding your advantages and disadvantages will allow you to understand how to always be desirable to a man, as well as adjust your behavior properly.
How to become loved and desired. Where is the exit?
Let's turn to Robin Norwood's second book, Everyday Reflections for Women Who Love Too Much.
It provides practical advice for women who find themselves addicted to relationships.
And although these tips are intended primarily for those who are mired in dead-end toxic relationships, I am sure that each of you will find a lot of useful things in them.
Share this article with your friends. Perhaps this information will be a lifeline for someone.
Women who love too much strive in every possible way to force their man to change and become better instead of accepting and loving themselves.
How to change this situation? Here's an 8-step action plan to help you break the cycle of destructive relationships and stop suffering.
Step 1.
Get ready to direct all the strength and energy that you previously spent on trying to change another person to change yourself.
Step 2.
If you want to stop loving too much, first you need to change: a) behavior; b) thinking; c) feelings. Exactly in that order! If you don’t start changing your behavior, then changes in feelings will never happen.
Step 3.
Stop using your unhappy childhood as an excuse for your current behavior. Just take this as the information you need to understand how to proceed and what needs to change in your life.
Step 4.
Look outside for help.
A person suffering from a certain problem will never be able to help you get rid of it, including when you yourself are such a helper.
It is impossible to help yourself get rid of problems on your own.
Instead of self-help, indulging your own will - that is, your own selfishness - you need to seek spiritual help outside and entrust yourself to God's will.
Step 5.
Use prayer. I imagine that many people were told as children that prayer is a means of demonstrating to God your love for him. But prayer is not a way to gain favor from God or to appease him.
During prayer, we tune into a wave of love, wisdom and understanding of such depth that our personality cannot create.
During prayer, we use the help of higher powers that are able to do for us what we ourselves cannot do.
During prayer, we subordinate our will to the will of the Almighty, and our life automatically becomes simpler, and we gain true freedom, tranquility and peace of mind.
Step 6.
Do NOT do anything! It would seem so simple, but in fact this is one of the most important and difficult tasks. Let go of the reins, loosen your grip, stop controlling your partner, give him responsibility for his life. There is no need to point, teach or give advice. Get busy with your own life.
It's up to you to acknowledge your own fears about what might happen to him and to your relationship, and then work to overcome those fears instead of manipulating your partner.
Step 7
Change your focus and reduce your importance.
Believing that we had the most miserable childhood, the most difficult man, or the most shocking life experience becomes a way for us to feel important and gain the attention of others.
Step 8
Your main goal is to preserve your own health and well-being, and it doesn’t matter - with or without this man. There is no need to rush to look for new relationships, trying to somehow fill the emptiness within yourself. There is no need to try to revive and glue together what has long been destroyed. Heal your own wounds, love yourself, and then you can build a healthy relationship.
On the subject: The most important tip on how self-love will help you attract the love of a man
Tips from a happy woman
According to experts on family relationships, the stability of a marriage largely depends on the quality of the intimate sphere. The presence of bright moments, one way or another, gives an emotional coloring to life, and impressions, as we know, are worth a lot. In the following revelations, a happily married woman shares her personal experience.
How to be always desirable for a man, the opinion of the happy:
- Change your wardrobe: not just an update, but a choice of clothes that emphasize attractiveness and sexuality. Create a beautiful image, a pleasant picture, taking into account your age and existing advantages.
- Always look attractive: take care of your appearance at home; do not allow yourself to wear things with flaws. Radiate positivity: this inspires and helps in life.
- Demonstrate sexual interest: the husband will appreciate the departure from the stereotype that initiative is only his priority.
- Wear sexy lingerie.
- Do everything to make sex feel like relaxation, not obligation.
- Show confidence and not be afraid to experiment in sex, do not be afraid to offer new ideas.
- Be unpredictable: men are turned on by women who are not easy to “guess.”
- Make surprises: prepare a bath, give a massage.
- Praise: as long as compliments inspire, a man is always happy to devote himself to his family.
- Correction of habits: stress, poor diet, smoking, etc., have a harmful effect on sex life.
- Show whims: in order to excite a woman, it is not harmful to show her temper, replacing it with playfulness, which will make a man’s heart beat faster.
- Elevating sex: It brings partners closer together.
- Joint endeavors: useful against routine.
- Making your life bright: your husband will certainly appreciate it.
- Show initiative in relationships.
Men also love to feel desired, so one success becomes a continuation of another in a couple. Give them what they need, and perhaps you will be more than endowed with what is meaningful to you.
Inner Confidence
The first thing a woman who wants to settle forever in the mind and heart of a man should have is self-confidence. A simple, obvious rule: until a person loves himself, others will not love him. If a girl has no problems with self-esteem since childhood, then there will be no difficulties with this point. But what to do when you lack confidence in your own uniqueness, uniqueness, and beauty? One piece of advice to “gain self-confidence” will not suffice here. But there are effective methods!
- Autotraining. Yes, yes, as in everyone’s favorite movie “The Most Charming and Attractive.” From the outside and from the unfamiliar it may seem stupid or funny, but this is what really works! A woman who tells herself every morning that she is beautiful, needed and in demand, transforms before her eyes. The main rule here is regularity.
- Spend time with people who give the girl confidence. We need to get rid of envious friends, men who assert themselves at the expense of women. Communication that lowers self-esteem, in which mockery or ridicule takes place, is unnecessary ballast in life.
- Read literature on the topic, watch videos on the Internet of speeches by psychologists who help women believe in themselves and find harmony with themselves and others.
- Flirting with other men. Do not be surprised! Even if we are talking about a married lady, pleasant communication with the male sex (someone other than her husband) gives a woman’s eyes a unique shine and instills self-confidence in her.
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By performing the simple steps described above, a girl can strengthen her faith in herself, which will certainly have a positive impact on her relationships with the opposite sex.
What kind of women do modern men love?
Qualities of a woman that are always valuable:
- Well-groomed. To get into the habit of self-care, you need to start small. The results obtained will be a good incentive to continue what you started. A pleasant aroma, a sexy silhouette, well-groomed nails and hair, regardless of age - such features of appearance will always remain among a woman’s virtues.
- Optimism and cheerfulness. No one is happy to constantly find out the reasons for another person’s bad mood, spend most of their free time listening to complaints, or endure grumpiness. The highest purpose of a couple is to unite in joy and create a unique meaning in life, therefore the resources of the union should be spent rationally.
- Attention and kindness. Aggression, although directed at strangers, makes a woman disgusting and scares away sexually inclined men. Showing attention and kindness often compensates for the lack of love and smoothes out emerging conflicts at the root.
- Having a hobby. A woman who knows how to value her time and creatively manages her resources, spiritual and physical, is admirable.
- Commitment to development. Taking a place next to his chosen one, a man wants to see her succeed. Along with his achievements, she must also improve and grow in some way, be it culinary arts, self-education or career.
- Self-respect. It is difficult to show love to someone who has no respect for himself, who does not have his own views on life.
- Femininity. In the presence of a girlfriend, a man likes to feel strong, competent, and victorious. It happens that, despite having all the opportunities, a man is deprived of the right to take his place in a woman’s life.
- Unobtrusiveness, respect for the partner’s freedom. Constant calls and messages cause feelings of lack of freedom; there is a desire to “break away” from the controlling person, to hide, at least for a while. A woman should understand that not all men’s problems, including troubles at work, are advisable to discuss together.
- Thrift. The ability to manage everyday life, maintain a comfortable home, and take care of the health and well-being of the family are important qualities for a spouse.
How to be feminine and always desirable to a man? Advice: start with yourself. And this path will definitely lead to happiness.
What to do to become loved by your man
How can you become your man’s favorite girl?
First of all, you need to find out what feminine qualities are important for your partner.
If attractive appearance is of paramount importance, take care of yourself. Determine for yourself once and for all whether you are ready to restrict your diet, exercise, and devote a considerable amount of time to improving your appearance for the sake of this man. If you are not ready, abandon the idea immediately. Because if you stop caring for yourself, you will lose attractiveness to your partner.
Is personal space important for a man? Great! How much time can you carve out for your loved one? For your interesting activities, friends, for sports, to improve your appearance, or for anything? Forgive your man for his individual hobbies and come up with your own. Which will make you happy.
If you really love your man and want reciprocity, be sincere. Take an interest in his affairs, be attentive and friendly, often praise and approve of his actions. Find common interests. Always remain attractive, interesting and desirable to him. Dress up more often, do beautiful makeup, wear beautiful underwear. Make every effort to make a man admire you and want to spend as much time together as possible.
We advise you to read: Happy family - recipes for a happy family
For many women, their own happiness is identified with the presence of a strong love relationship with a man. After concluding a marriage, the question becomes relevant: how to become a beloved wife and maintain this status for many years?
Forming a family and registering a relationship for most men is possible only with the woman they love. If the marriage has taken place, do not doubt the love of your partner. Enjoy the happy moments of family life.
We advise you to read: What is marriage for a man?
In order for the state of love and interest not to be lost over time, a woman should always remember the priority qualities that initially attracted your man to you. Every day a woman lives together, she needs to work on her relationship. Above oneself. Not only demand, but also give. The principle of working on yourself should be the same as before marriage.
In order not to wonder over time how to become loved by your husband, you don’t have to stop being her. After years of living together, a woman should remain the same as she was able to make him fall in love with her.
We recommend reading: What is love: briefly and clearly
All wives want their husband to earn more over time, increase his income and family capital. So men also want women to improve. After marriage, every wife expects fidelity and honesty from her husband. At the registry office you “purchase” your specific man and expect that this is exactly what he will always be. The same thing happens on the male side. A man acquires his specific woman (young, slender, beautiful, well-groomed). And when, after the time they have lived together, the wife stops taking care of herself, caring for and dressing up, and becomes overweight, she ceases to be that particular woman. Don't you think that this is also a kind of deception? They promised themselves to be the kind that the guy fell in love with, but in reality, they turned out to be far from ideal.
Try every day to be the best woman for your best man.
