When a child appears in a family, the lives of both parents change 180 degrees. Some parents plan a pregnancy for several months, or even years. And when a new family member appears, a huge responsibility falls on the shoulders of the parents. First of all, parents should regularly educate their son or daughter. The future of your baby and the formation of his personality completely depend on his upbringing.
At the time of upbringing, parent-child relationships begin to form. Relationships are never easy, but the relationship between a parent and a child is a complex system that needs to be carefully understood. Sometimes it takes years to sort out and understand the relationship between parent and child.
Relationships between child and parent in psychology
All psychologists say that a child is happy only when peace and order reign in his family, and mom and dad love and understand each other. And vice versa: when there are frequent quarrels and misunderstandings in a family, the child grows up in a negative environment. Then either the child grows up unhappy and depressed, or he feels and behaves like the head of the family.
To avoid such situations, parents should avoid quarrels, scandals, and misunderstandings within the family, especially in front of the child. Here it is extremely important not to lose mutual understanding between the child and the parent.
It is extremely important to have conversations with your child and help him understand that he can safely share his problems and experiences. Sometimes it happens that with age a child begins to trust friends and acquaintances more than his mother and father.
Old grievances
— A frequent basis for alienation is grievances from childhood: “They were too strict with me, they didn’t love me”; “I was overprotected”; “Dad was tyrannical”; “Mom didn’t allow me to do what I was drawn to.” How to overcome such things?
- Let's first realize that from a spiritual point of view, such words are murmur. Murmuring against God. In other words, the person says: “Lord, You have thought poorly of me. He gave me the wrong kind of parents, which is why I am now worse than I could have been. But this is not my responsibility!” And self-pity and self-justification join the grumbling. This harms a person, depriving him of the opportunity to change anything in his life. And it creates the basis for alienation from parents.
- Is it just that time doesn’t heal such grievances?
- No. Resentment draws a person in like a whirlpool, it can, on the contrary, gain strength, turn into a sinful habit: you get used to blaming others and getting satisfaction and benefit from this - why, they say, correct something, since it’s not about me, but about my parents ?
The state of resentment is quite dangerous and unproductive: a person is internally passive, he is captive to experiences of imaginary injustice, self-pity, and anger towards others. And in fact he is trying to avoid responsibility for his life, for himself.
- What is the way out?
“The only way out here is to deal with yourself, accept the circumstances of your life as a fait accompli, come to terms with it and thereby move into an active internal position as the creator of your life.
Maybe you really were not given something in childhood. But you have a life, you have arms, legs, a head: how do you use them? What are you aiming for? What goals do you set for yourself? These are no longer your parents’ hands, feet, and head, they are yours, they belong to you. So the responsibility lies with you.
Therefore, a person can look at himself and say: “Today this is exactly what I am. What can I do about this now? Do I want to do something? I would advise you to be stricter with yourself, ask yourself these questions, find answers, but do not sit still, do not let the situation take its course. Time does not stand still, no matter how late...
— There is a popular method today: mentally reliving an unpleasant, offensive situation... In your opinion, is this an acceptable technique?
— I remembered one case that Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) of Sourozh described: an elderly lady who suffered from insomnia came to him. When she went to bed, various unpleasant situations from the past surfaced in her memory. And the Lord gave the following advice: “When this or that situation pops up in your memory, ask yourself a question: if this were to happen again now, what would I do?” And she began to do so. It was a moment of internal repentance, a re-evaluation of the past, as far as I understand. She said: “Yes, I would behave differently here; I wouldn’t utter such words.” And gradually these memories stopped tormenting her.
So yes, such a technique is possible. But! The fundamental point here is your own repentance, the search for your responsibility in that situation in the past! Don’t just passively remember it, but change the criteria for evaluating it, change your attitude towards the people participating in it.
Otherwise, it will turn out to be Manilovism: “Oh, if only they had told me then..., then I would have now...”. A sober, self-critical attitude is very important. A person’s task is not to change the past, not to forget it, but to see, find meaning in those situations of many years ago that he complains about; come to terms with the past, accept it as part of your life and move on. This helps to find inner integrity and harmony.
- But this is not about your mistakes...
- Let’s say, but let’s ask ourselves: don’t I make mistakes in my life now, do I always act fairly and according to my conscience? Since I’m offended, maybe my parents can also “blame” the responsibility for their mistakes in my upbringing on their mom and dad, and then on their own, and so on up to and including Adam? Does this shifting of responsibility change anything in my life?
Since I forgive myself for my imperfections, my mistakes, then, in all conscience, I should also come to terms with the imperfections of my parents.
What is family and parental relationships?
A family is a small socio-psychological group that is formed on the basis of deep trusting relationships between all its members. What a family and parental relationships will be like depends on the knowledge, aspirations and goals between its members.
The parental relationship is the connection between the parent and the child as a whole. But the level of these relationships depends on the parent himself. After all, mom and dad are the main source of the educational function. And they must take into account every detail to make this mechanism work correctly.
Approaches to education
Each family has its own educational system. It is based on creating harmony between its members. In psychology, there are several main approaches to education, including: non-interference , dictatorship , cooperation and guardianship .
With a dictatorial style of behavior, the child’s dignity and independence are oppressed. Such requirements can be made only when necessary, but not constantly. Otherwise, self-esteem decreases and a fear of expressing one’s opinion develops. Such children grow up hypocritical, complex, do not want to take initiative, and are easy to control, which is not a positive quality in adult life.
Types of family relationships
Psychologists distinguish 6 main types of family relationships:
- Socio-biological;
- Economic and economic;
- Moral;
- Legal;
- Pedagogical;
- Psychological
- Socio-biological family relationships.
- Economic and family relations.
- Legal family relations.
- Moral family relationships.
- Pedagogical family relations.
- Psychological family relationships.
This type of family relationships is responsible for the gender and age system: fertility and hygiene, the care of parents and children for each other.
This type of relationship is responsible for forming a family budget, earning money and caring for older and younger family members.
This type of relationship speaks about the peculiarities of the relationship between husband and wife. In addition, this type of relationship is responsible for issues of adoption and inheritance.
This type of family relationship is largely responsible for raising children. They also influence the moral and moral values of each family member.
Every parent has an educational function and passes it on to each of their children throughout their lives. The entire educational function depends on pedagogical relationships.
This type of relationship speaks about the psychology within the family between each member. The nature of these relationships speaks about emotions, memories in the family and the sphere of communication. In order for a family to have healthy psychological relationships, the family must be strong and support each other in everything.
Features of education at the present time
The modern system of home education is to give the child all the benefits and available material things. The financial guideline fosters greed, hypocrisy, and the desire to please where it promises benefit. Most often, girls inherit this upbringing from their mother, boys from their father. Reluctance to follow parental guidelines must be eradicated at the subconscious level, with outside help. The desire to change family relationships is a mutual decision of both parties.
The presence of a large number of educational institutions inspires parents with the idea that other people are capable of replacing a child’s home, parents’ attention, and their authority. The same situation arises when the baby is left for a long time with a nanny or grandmother. It is important to understand that the consequences of upbringing will fall on the shoulders of the parents.
Child-parent relationships within the family.
The relationship between children and parents is responsible for many different tasks. Most of them are responsible for the well-being of the baby. The interesting point is that the interaction here goes from child to parent.
When (and if) parents allow a child too much and praise him, he grows up believing that the whole world should treat him this way. It's hard to say how dangerous this all is. But the child has conflicts outside the family. This happens when a child believes that the whole world revolves around him. When parents indulge every whim and give everything the child asks for, the baby gets used to it and expects the same from the whole world. But will those around him be so sensitive and friendly towards him? The answer here is most likely negative.
By your inspiring example
What if you want to help your parents? Should I just wait until they ripen on their own or can I somehow speed up the process?
Now I see that this is the optimal approach.
If you have learned something important, then your task is to share it with your parents - to offer them information that you think is important.
Bring a book, send a link, mention it in a conversation, talk about your experience, offer to try it, etc.
But then the choice is theirs. Don't expect a quick response and change. Give them time to mature to what you have to offer.
In the meantime, the best thing you can do is to test from your own experience what you are “foaming at the mouth” to prove to your parents.
I am convinced that the most effective way to change another person (and this applies not only to parents) is through an inspiring example.
Work on yourself and leave others alone.
I like the words of Gandhi: “My life is my teaching.”
Perhaps, rather than imposing your views on life on your loved ones, it will be more convincing to live in accordance with your beliefs? Then your life itself will become a message for everyone who finds inspiration in it.
In this case, it is quite possible that after some time the parents will feel that your words are really worth listening to, because your very life will testify to the truth of what you want to convey.
This is exactly what happened in my family.
For several years now I have been doing yoga and meditation, going on retreats, etc.
When my parents had questions, I openly and sincerely shared with them what I was doing and what it gave me. But at the same time he did not encourage them to join.
As time passed, I noticed that their questions, initially out of curiosity, began to acquire a completely practical nature.
My parents wanted to try it.
For example, they kept a 40-day fast for a couple of years and noticed that they felt better without meat. So gradually they became vegetarians.
Then we went to Vipassana together - by this time they were already ready for it. After Vipassana, my parents began to meditate every day and continue to this day.
The next year we went on another retreat together. Now the parents are seriously interested in pranayama - breathing practices from yoga - having experienced the powerful effect and benefits.
And everything started spinning so much that it can no longer be stopped!
In Sri Lanka, every morning I felt a little uncomfortable - my parents got up an hour earlier than me and by the time I woke up they already had time to meditate and take a breather! I had to “catch up” with them)
Ways to raise children
In parent-child relationships, there is such a thing as parenting style. Most often, parents do not even know about this, but raise their son or daughter intuitively (or rely on the works of psychologists and teachers). Then they do not adhere to one parenting style, but rather a combination of 2-3 styles at once. Although, one specific style is dominant. What parenting styles are distinguished?
- Democratic;
- Authoritarian;
- Overprotective;
- Hypoprotective;
- Hard.
- Democratic style of education.
- Authoritarian parenting style.
- Overprotective parenting style.
- Hypoprotective parenting style.
- Rigid parenting style.
When a family adheres to a democratic parenting style, the main role in the family belongs to the parents. They make all the important decisions, however, the child’s opinion regarding this issue is also taken into account. In this case, the final decision is often made together at a family council. Psychologists say that this style of education is the most correct in the modern world.
This is the complete opposite of the democratic style. In such a family, all decisions are made exclusively by the parents, and the child’s opinion does not matter here. Children usually carry out any instructions from their parents unquestioningly, do not ask unnecessary questions and do not show any reaction. The parent controls every step of his child, tells him what to do, how to speak and even how to think.
This is also a kind of opposite parenting style to an authoritarian one. When a child grows up in such conditions, he gets absolutely everything he wants and does not know refusal. The child does not understand what danger is and where it can await him. He knows that if something happens, his family will protect him and lend their shoulder. The baby himself cannot make any decisions: when to eat, take a walk or go to bed. If a child accidentally gets hurt, parents begin to care for him even more. Over time, this guardianship only gets worse: parents choose with whom their son or daughter will go for a walk, with whom they will be friends, etc. Such parents prefer to keep everything in their hands and control 100%.
In a family with such a parenting style, parents live their lives, go about their business, without paying any attention to the child. And if their son or daughter needs something, the parents simply ignore his words or request. In such families, children grow up on their own, are constantly alone and simply have no one to tell about their problems. The child experiences a lack of attention, care and warmth from his parents, and over time begins to seek support outside the family. When parents realize their mistakes, the child has already become sufficiently distant from his family and does not want to share his achievements with them.
It’s not for nothing that a strict parenting style is called harsh. When a parent is guided by this type of upbringing, he requires the child to fulfill his requirements in an extremely strict manner. The little person strives to make every effort to make mom or dad happy and carry out any assignment. If a request cannot be fulfilled, the child suffers greatly. Such upbringing is fundamentally wrong, because the child grows up with a lot of complexes that will only harm him.
Independence and overprotection
— A common situation is excessive guardianship or, in general, any situation in which an adult cannot fully mature. Many psychologists insist that adult children should live separately from their parents. How true is this?
- This largely depends on how ready the children are for adulthood and how sane the parents are and agree that their child has grown up. The question is not where and with whom a person lives. The question is whether parents and an already grown child can build a relationship at a higher level of independence, autonomy and responsibility. It is not so easy.
- Why? Isn't this natural?
- Our parents quite often - no matter how old we are - perceive us as children. And, in general, this is not so bad. But grown-up children also have the same temptation: in some difficult life situations (or not very difficult ones) to take the position of a child. It turns out that how to have fun, go somewhere - so we are adults, but how to iron shirts, wash things, clean up after ourselves, give part of the money for housekeeping - so we are children! This temptation is difficult to avoid when you live with your parents. Especially when a caring mother suggests: “Come on, daughter (or son), let me cook (buy, iron, clean) - it’s not difficult for me!”
And it turns out that such independence is very one-sided.
Therefore, maybe in some cases you can move out for a while, live alone, try what it’s like - it will be useful for both the parents and the adult young man himself.
— And if there is no such opportunity, how to take steps towards independence?
— We need to take responsibility more often: show concern, call, find out what needs to be bought, do something around the house, and so on. In general, be active and take initiative. This, it seems to me, is a fundamentally important point.
Birth of a baby and role position.
The great Austrian psychologist Freud identified an interesting pattern. He discovered that the older a child gets, the more responsibility he takes on.
Older siblings often notice that parents show more attention and love to their younger children precisely because they are the youngest.
If a child has no brothers and sisters and grows up alone in a family, he does not have any problems with self-esteem. But children from large families often suffer due to a whole bunch of complexes. So children have to constantly fight for the attention and love of their parents. And if one of the kids receives less attention, they begin to suffer. In the future, such children continue to fight for the attention of others throughout their lives, and sometimes use not the most honest methods to achieve their goals.
Radical Forgiveness
Ultimately, for what?
What is this whole performance for? Why are we forced to play these roles again - children, parents, spouses...? What's the point of this?
The answer I have come to is that all of these roles are necessary for our learning, development and spiritual evolution.
These are schools in which we learn unconditional love, wisdom, compassion, forgiveness, service, patience, compassion, wisdom.
Relationships with loved ones are the most effective exercise, but they can also be the most painful.
Transformation of relationships with parents occurs when you begin to see why and why all this is happening to you and deeply accept that everything is as it should be.
You have exactly the parents you should have. Perfect in their imperfection.
They play their role brilliantly, they are trying so hard to convey to you the lesson that was sent to you through them this time.
And you brilliantly play your role, trying to convey to your loved ones the karmic lessons that were given to them through you... well, isn’t that wonderful?
Resentment, anger, rejection - all this is a consequence of a lack of understanding of what is really happening.
When you become aware of this cosmic play, the possibility of a spiritual vision of life opens up.
Now you are able to see why everything is this way and not otherwise. From this expanded understanding comes deep acceptance of the situation and loved ones. You see that everything is as it is and there are reasons for it.
You see the point and are grateful to all the actors who tried so hard for you, sometimes acting for the sake of your training and development of the role of villains.
There is an excellent book on this topic - “Radical Forgiveness”. I advise you to read it.
What are the parameters of education?
Among the parameters of parental education, it is worth highlighting parental control and parental requirements. Why exactly them?
Every parent usually demands exemplary behavior from their child. The higher the parents' demands and expectations, the more the child tries to exceed these expectations. But sometimes a parent can get too carried away, not realizing that the child cannot always live up to their desires and hopes.
As a result, the child makes every effort to make the parent happy, but does not receive proper encouragement and praise. Because of this, dissonance occurs and the child’s psychological state is disturbed. Therefore, the parent must control his requirements and understand whether they are feasible for the little person. Otherwise, it may negatively affect his health.
It has become the norm for parents that all the actions of their children are under their strict control. In many families, it is accepted that children obey their parents and unquestioningly do what they are told. This comes either at the genetic level or from childhood. But this is how it used to be: children had to obey their elders and follow any of their instructions.
Building relationships with older people can be difficult
What about aging parents? By nature, there is no turning back. But what makes us human is relationships. And it’s not for nothing that all religions have a cultural superstructure - a commandment: honoring parents in old age. No matter how much it may seem to us that we were not given something in childhood, honoring our parents is a moral duty to the elderly. When parents grow old and find themselves helpless, adult children become “parents” for them.
Yesterday, the parent's word was decisive, significant, today no one wants to listen. No one is interested in their opinion, and no one needs their advice. It’s good if children don’t expect help from pensioners.
They want attention, but how to get it? They need to communicate, but adult children don’t have time all the time.
Before my eyes... An ideal mother, an ideal grandmother... She was a great leader, honest and decent, she did not put pressure on her daughter, she raised her granddaughter with love. Now the daughter is engaged in business, the mother loves and respects... But sometimes she dumps her negativity on her. The teenage granddaughter also loves her grandmother, but she allows herself a lot of unnecessary things. He's sarcastic, he's snarky... I'm friends with all of them. I don't mean to offend grandma. I put the girls' brains in their place. It still happens, but not with me. They don’t even understand that they are offending a loved one. They feel bad, but here she is next to her, no longer so strong, and most importantly, forgiving everything...
(doctor's notes and observations)
Psychology of the “whims” of elderly parents
Daughter says:
“Mom is hysterical, she constantly invents illnesses for herself and screws up both herself and those around her, you see, she’s dying. She doesn't love me or my children. Although, when she feels bad, she turns to me first. She also helped with the children. Now that I don't have the opportunity to give her expensive gifts, I feel like a bad daughter.
- Which presents?
— She loves jewelry... When I gave my mother jewelry, I was good for her.
- Why do you think that your mother doesn’t love you?
“She says she loves her brother more.”
“However, she never talks about her brother, but she talks about you with pride, rejoices at your successes at work. Her blood pressure rose when your daughter, while on a trip, “disappeared from the radar” for several hours.
(from a conversation between a doctor and a patient)
Obviously, everyone wants the best for themselves. But because of misunderstandings between themselves, close people only ruin each other’s lives.
Paradoxes of relationships: if you don’t come in a good way, I’ll go into illness
In fact, parents of any age need attention first. Often the only way out is seen as illness, when children, willy-nilly, have to be nearby. Elderly parents should receive a basic sense of security and safety from their adult children. This does not mean that you have to sit holding your mother's hand. Naturally, it is necessary to provide medications and financial assistance. The main thing is the parents’ confidence that the child will help at the right moment.
Healthy, successful, fulfilled parents who are not yet old do not require anything supernatural. They want their children to do well. And they wouldn't create problems.
Children often say: “I helped my parents do this and that. Then they were happy. Now I have my own life and I don’t have the opportunity to help as before. They don't need anything. And they condemn me for not paying for their whims.”
In fact, this is not a relationship, but just a payoff. Parents need something completely different, although financial assistance is certainly important.
Principles of parent-child relationships
- The principle of equality - children and parents have the same rights;
- The principle of co-development is aimed at ensuring that the child’s development occurs simultaneously with the development of the parent;
- The principle of acceptance is based on mutual understanding between each other;
- The principle of understanding requires that parents strive to understand their children, and this helps to strengthen family ties and friendships within the family;
- The principle of communication is when communication plays a major role in education. The more parents and children communicate, the stronger and better their relationship develops;
- The principle of friendship works when parents and children have fun in a warm family circle and spend time together as friends.
Parents cannot be changed
Each of us can only change ourselves.
You cannot change someone else, even if they are your parents.
Even (and especially!) if you love them very much and want to help them.
Parents can change themselves if they want.
Or they may not change – that’s their right.
All you can do is inspire parents to develop and create favorable conditions for this.
Paradoxically, the best way to do this is to take care of yourself.
The family develops the child.
The more parents devote time to their child, the more full-fledged member of society he grows. Thanks to the sensitive attention of mom and dad, any child will develop into a mature personality and will be ready to enter adulthood.
But parents often ignore this fact. Sometimes a child wants to speak out, share, ask for advice, but at that moment the parents are busy with their own affairs and work. And it also happens that a child has only one parent and he cannot give enough attention and love to his baby. Then the child looks for where to make up for the communication lost from an early age.
The child keeps all his experiences inside, begins to withdraw into himself, and then splashes out all his problems on the surrounding society.
Common mistakes parents make
The reasons for children's disobedience are hidden in the incorrect upbringing that parents adhered to as the child grew up. If you avoid making typical mistakes in adolescence, then misunderstandings between family members will not arise. Common patterns of behavior of mothers and fathers that cause relationships with children to deteriorate:
Orders that deprive the child of choice and freedom of action. Lack of trust and constant control. Threats of punishment. Groundless criticism, because of which the child ceases to believe in his own abilities. Sarcastic ridicule of a child’s action, putting him in an awkward situation. Asking the offspring for personal information that he does not want to share. Jokes from parents who do not want to answer their child’s question. Unnecessary moralizing. Forced “advice” that deprives the child of his own opinion. Involvement in the child's life.
In the relationship between parents and children, we must not forget about the simple truth - the more privileges you have, the more responsibilities you have. Mutual understanding and participation in the life of a loved one is an effective way to help, but tyranny and regular disagreements are an inappropriate solution that destroys personality.
How do our attitudes affect children?
We often impose our own attitudes on the people around us. However, it's not that simple. But it’s much easier to impose attitudes on your own child. But the more we try to achieve our own satisfaction, the more our children suffer.
The attitudes of the mother or father should not in any way infringe on the interests of the child. After all, what we project onto a child, he will project onto his children, and so on. The best solution here is to strive to satisfy each other's needs equally.
Types of parent-child communication
The way a parent communicates with a child directly affects his future life.
In responsive families, parents and children constantly interact due to which a trusting relationship develops between them.
When a parent constantly monitors a child, controls his SMS and social networks, a hostile type of communication prevails in the family.
With a material-oriented type of communication, parents strive to create material well-being in the family and provide their children with all kinds of benefits, for example, sending them to study at higher institutions.
Children are completely dependent on their parents. And it is extremely important to remember that the well-being of each child is in the hands of his parents.
Why "Fathers and Sons"?
— Gleb Valerievich, they say that relationships with parents influence a person’s entire life - his own family, relationships at work, etc. Why are these relationships so significant?
— You see, we are not born a “blank slate.” Parents give us life and with it specific individual psychological characteristics, pass on the cultural and spiritual heritage they have accumulated. The Lord God established a certain order: a husband and wife give birth to children and raise them. And the fact that we have these particular parents, and not others, is a fact that must be accepted as part of our life.
And therefore, honoring parents is an obligation arising from this fact and at the same time a moral and psychological task. You must learn to honor them not for their wonderful qualities, but simply by the fact of your birth from them. Often people proceed from whether it is easy for them to communicate with their parents or not: if it is easy, you can honor them, if it is difficult, then you can not communicate or be offended by them, quarrel, reproach them. No! Mother and father are those people with whom it is fundamentally important for us to build harmonious relationships, it is important both for observing the Commandments of God, and for parents, and for ourselves.
- Otherwise - what?..
“Otherwise, I think a person cannot be completely happy.”
Parents are the link connecting us with previous generations. And conflicts with them, condemnation of them, rejection prevents us from feeling this belonging to the clan, and therefore from comprehending life as a whole; deprives the experience of belonging, can cause the experience of loneliness, uselessness, abandonment.
