The loneliness of parents of children who have grown up and cut off ties with their parents’ home is a frequent problem. Of course, the older generation is trying to understand why their own child is so isolated from mom and dad. About this - on sympaty.net.
The question of why adult children do not want to communicate with their parents is painful for both parties.
Answer: because those adults who were once your kids can no longer comfortably interact with their parents in the “authoritarian adult – submissive child” model. The only way out is to gradually build a new, equal model, where no one patronizes or suppresses anyone.
Main reasons
Many parents are acutely worried about the lack of previous communication with their children.
The reasons why this happened may be different. Most often, children themselves identify several.
Manipulative behavior
For parents, whose center of life has long been a child, seeing him leave home is unusual, painful and difficult. At such moments, some begin to manipulate their health status and put pressure on feelings of guilt.
This could be imitation of heart attacks, complaints about health, etc. The child often has to come when there is no real reason for this.
Young people and girls, who by that time are trying to build their own lives, do not want to communicate with their father or mother, because they see that this is precisely manipulation. Due to a false sense of guilt, constant pressure on conscience and calls to pay attention, a reverse reaction occurs: rejection and a desire to communicate as little as possible.
Constant moralizing repels children
In such conditions, adult children may not believe that the parent is feeling bad, even if this actually happens. Such behavior can easily work against the person himself.
Difficult childhood and rough upbringing
Not all families have good conditions for raising a child correctly. Some parents do not have enough knowledge and desire to be involved in the life and problems of their offspring.
In addition to the lack of emotional contact and healthy communication, there may be other problems that turn children against their parents from childhood:
- physical violence from mom or dad;
- presence of a mentally ill relative nearby;
- regular and often unfounded accusations from parents.
All this affects the psyche. Growing up, a son or daughter strives by all means to get rid of the past, erase it from their life and start a new path. Any contact with parents who behaved in this way causes negativity in them. Already adult children do not want to communicate with their mother and father due to the fact that their childhood was objectively unhappy.
Moralizing and regular criticism
Support is important for loved ones at any age
When raising children, parents try to instill in them standards of behavior and morality. In early childhood, children have a normal attitude towards moral teachings from the series “what is good and what is bad” and perceive them as truth. During adolescence, rebellion can occur due to hormones, growing up, etc.
During this period, children often rebel against their parents, especially if they put moral pressure on them. Teenagers deliberately take the position of “against everyone”
Normally, after a few years, children outgrow this, and later they normally perceive their parents’ criticism, realizing that this is simply their vision of life. It happens that adult children do not want to communicate with their parents because they continue to be in a state of confrontation.
Advice
If nothing out of the ordinary has happened, when you no longer have the strength to forgive (although, believe me, this is temporary, you will soon realize that you can forgive your mother everything), approach your relationship philosophically. It’s time to forget the phrase “I can’t find a common language with my mother” and start building communication again. Perhaps you behaved badly and your mother simply could not reach you. Or she was not ready to understand and accept her daughter's growing up. Today this no longer matters, since you are adults who are able to understand each other. We all make mistakes in life, you just need to look at yourself from the outside or put yourself in the shoes of another person. If you couldn’t become friends with your mother then, do it now. You will certainly be able to understand each other, since you are on equal terms.
What to do
Friends and hobbies help cope with the feeling of loneliness
If the problem of a child not wanting to communicate with his parents has already arisen, it is too late to talk about how he should have behaved in the past. Prevention measures in this case no longer work, but a number of tips can be safely adopted and adhered to now.
Initially, it was not worth making the child the center of the Universe. In any case, any of the parents should have hobbies, work and friends. In such conditions, the passing of children from life and the lack of need for guardianship and care for them are not perceived so acutely.
If you don’t have grandchildren yet, you can try to get yourself a pet. This will help realize the need to take care of someone.
Since the request for communication in this situation comes from the father and mother, they will have to change their behavior and attitudes.
Parents are happy to have the opportunity to communicate with their son or daughter
Any morality, appeals to conscience, pressure on pity or guilt cause the opposite effect. There is no need to do this. Get rid of the mindset that you are always right. Time passes, parents may no longer keep up with some technologies, they may not feel or understand new phenomena in society.
The child in this case is already an adult. He has grown up and can either listen to your opinion and take advice, or reject it and go his own way.
Unfortunately, some children are infantile and do not understand that their parents need help and attention
When expressing doubts about any situation in the life of your son or daughter, do it in a constructive manner without insults, pressure or value judgments. Just tell us what you would do in this situation, and accept any choice of the child, even if you see that it is wrong.
Adult children should receive their own experiences, including negative ones. This is fine.
Parents may manipulate their health to get attention
Ask for help from your children when you really need it and when you cannot solve the problem on your own. A son or daughter, seeing that you are not bothering them over trifles, will treat such requests loyally in the future and will be ready to help.
You will have to come to terms with changes in priorities on the part of your son or daughter. Each of them, reaching a certain age, begins his journey by forming his own family. She, especially if there are children, always requires more time.
Attention will be paid to parents, but to a lesser extent.
Often sons communicate with their parents less often than daughters. This is due to employment. Young people strive to build a career and devote maximum attention to this process. Having a wife on maternity leave and small children forces men to provide not only for themselves. This takes a lot of time and moral strength.
Having a husband or wife nearby makes it easier to survive a crisis
With girls, the opposite happens most often. When they go on maternity leave and start caring for their babies, they often turn to their mothers for help and advice. Here it is important again to give advice when asked and do it as recommendations, and not demanding unquestioning obedience.
Advice
All misunderstandings and childhood grievances must be left in the past. Today you are a fully grown person who can maturely analyze this situation. To begin with, abstract from your relationship and try to imagine your mother as your patient or adult daughter. Perhaps she simply was not ready for motherhood or did not know how to use this happiness. The child she had had disarmed her to some extent. Or maybe there were additional negative reasons why your mother did not devote enough time to you. Today you can fix everything, because you are not a defenseless girl. Try to improve your relationship with your mother, take a step forward, show her that you should not be afraid, reveal her love for you.
Let's sum it up
The problem when adult children do not want to communicate with their parents is common. Among the reasons, sons and daughters usually name constant criticism, morality and teaching from adults, manipulation of health and pressure to feel guilty. Some people have an objectively bad childhood that evokes exclusively negative memories.
How to build relationships with children in this case will have to be decided by parents, since the problem when a child does not want to communicate concerns them.
Moms and dads need to distance themselves a little from their children, look at them as adults who will make mistakes and have every right to do so. Any morals and moral teachings should be removed. You need to ask children for help not for any reason, especially far-fetched ones, but when you really need it. Otherwise, continue to love and support them, accepting the fact that most of their time will be devoted to their new family anyway: wife or husband, children, and work.
Mom's enemy face
Children and parents are not always ready to understand each other. The older generation tries to maintain a hierarchy because they consider themselves more experienced and have seen a lot along the way. The younger generation either becomes infantile or tries with all its might to diminish the authority of their parents and become independent. Ideally, mother and daughter should support each other in both joyful and difficult moments. They are given the opportunity to become best friends who can share the experiences of their generations. If you and your mother do not have such a trusting relationship, try to understand at what stage in your growing up something went wrong.
Advice
Try to learn to take responsibility for your life. You have grown up a long time ago, your mother did everything that was required of her. She may be happy to help you with whatever you need. You just need to respect her work, not demand, but ask correctly, and also do this in the most extreme cases. Give your mother the opportunity to live her life, leave hobbies, leisure, and personal life at her discretion. She has the right to all this. After all, every person deserves to have their own personal space, especially in their declining years. Don't allow yourself to be used and manipulated by those close to you.
Advice
Psychologists regard the relationship with the mother as the main basis for building a person’s future happy life. We need constant communication like air. The situation described above is sure to change soon. Mom will eventually become the main person in your life again. But today we need to understand that time is fleeting and a mother’s life is not endless. If she feels unwanted and superfluous, this can provoke nervous diseases in her, which can speed up her departure. Even if you are very busy, try to call and visit your loved one regularly. Come up with a specific time when you will get in touch. Meet as often as possible, because someday you will remember these times with great trepidation and irreparable sadness.
Advice
First, try to understand that your mother wishes you only the best. Her advice is worth a lot, as you will soon be able to see for yourself when faced with similar problems or in the process of raising children. Secondly, the mother simply cannot come to terms with her secondary role and, in some way, helplessness. You need to understand this and help both of you reach a compromise. Try to tell your mom only about those problems in which you really need her advice. Talk to her as an equal, do not demonstrate immaturity and do not allow yourself to behave irresponsibly in front of your mother. By your behavior you must make it clear that not only the mother, but also you can give her useful advice. Soon you will get used to communication where everyone does not allow anyone to violate someone else's space.
Reconciliation
The most important and final stage of any misunderstanding or quarrel is reconciliation. Various situations are described above, but life is multifaceted, and conflicts occur for a variety of reasons. In any case, you need to be the first to contact your mother, even if you have not communicated for many years. If there is no way to talk to her or she herself does not want to communicate with you, just write a letter. It should be positive, without accusations, written with love and tenderness. Only a compromise can allow you to establish a family connection with a loved one. And this is very important for any woman. And even if you fail to make peace, you will be calm because you did everything you could. This will definitely set a good example for your children.
Advice
Such criticism may cause problems in your relationship with your mother. Therefore, you should avoid these statements. We all feel like we would do the right thing because it's always easy to look at a situation that has already happened. At least you know its outcome. You need to respect an older person, and especially if we are talking about your mother. If you disagree with her on something, try to convey your idea as correctly and loyally as possible. You need to understand that any woman wants to be an example for her child, and if she fails to do this, she has a lot of complexes. We need to take care of our mothers and try not to diminish their self-esteem.
Criticism from my daughter
We sometimes don’t understand how adults can improve relationships with their mothers if the younger generation simply does not respect the older ones. Yes, there are situations when not only parents, but also children criticize. You often hear statements like this: “You haven’t achieved anything in life, and now you’re trying to tell me how to do it.” We try to evaluate the actions of our mothers, find mistakes in their behavior and do not hesitate to tell them about it. You need to understand that this is an extremely tactless position. All people can make mistakes. In addition, we are not always aware of the objective reasons for this or that behavior, since we did not witness everything that happened.
Mom's instructions
There is no point in analyzing the mother's mistakes, because this will not make it any easier. The smart thing to do is to think about what to do next. For example, if there is no common language with your mother due to her constant moralizing and even authoritarianism. Some mothers try to constantly control, prompt, demand an account from their daughters, forgetting that the time of the girl’s childhood has long passed. You have to constantly justify yourself and find an explanation for every step you take. You notice that your mother is trying to advise you in areas that she herself no longer understands (life priorities have long changed).
Mom is an eternal helper
Some daughters, especially those who are accustomed to constant parental care, constantly require attention. Even when they become adults, they try to place all their worries on their mother’s shoulders. This could be housekeeping, solving everyday problems, caring for grandchildren and other responsibilities of a mature adult woman. Out of habit, they believe that the mother cannot have her own personal space, all her problems are secondary. There is only one daughter and grandchildren to whom the mother must devote the rest of her life.
