There is a lot of talk about friendship, but not all people know how to be a good friend. Some people can't even define friendship. Let's start with this. Friendship is a close relationship based on mutual trust and respect. Friendship arises between people with common interests and mutual sympathy. We want to be friends with the person whose worldview is close to us. And also sympathy arises for the person whose personal qualities attract us. Let's take a closer look at what friendship is.
Extroverts and introverts
All people are divided into two types: extroverts and introverts.
If extroverts are open to the world, they are ready to share their thoughts, emotions, experiences, it costs them nothing to approach any person and start a conversation with him, then an introvert is a closed person who prefers to be alone with himself, trusting mainly only himself.
It is not common to find pure types that have the behavioral characteristics of only one type. More often than not, two opposites coexist in one person in unequal proportions.
Each type has its own problems. For example, extroverts may suffer reputational consequences for being extremely open or trusting the wrong person. Extroverts also expect a lot from people and from life, so there is a risk of being disappointed at some point.
Introverts are often compared to a snail and a turtle - creatures that, in case of danger, hide in their own home in the hope of isolating themselves from the entire hostile world. Hiddenness, isolation, being outside of society are some of the biggest problems of introverts.
But there is also that trouble that any person can have, regardless of his psychological type. This is the problem associated with not having friends.
Who do people gravitate towards?
People are drawn to open and friendly personalities. Don't forget about such a simple and valuable thing as a smile. If you want to win someone over, then give the person a few psychological strokes: a smile, a compliment, praise. Every person has a need for recognition and acceptance. With this behavior you satisfy these needs.
Who else are people drawn to? To strong, mature and independent individuals. People who attract attention and win over those who know how to set goals and achieve them, know what they want, accept themselves and know how to competently use all the features of their character. They are also attracted to those who know how to laugh at themselves and are free from complexes and other psychological problems.
Why are friends needed?
It seems clear why a person needs friends, but it is worth recalling once again the benefits of true friendship.
With a close person - a friend - it is pleasant to spend the happy hours of your life and it is not so scary to experience unpleasant moments in life;
A friend is a person with whom you can be yourself. Even if everyone else thinks you're weird, you still don't step out of your comfort zone. Sometimes the friends remind one of the strange possums Eddie and Crash from Ice Age, but while they are together there is no strangeness, a certain friendly atmosphere;
You can share almost everything with a friend: your favorite activity, a good movie, pizza, joy and much more.
Friendship is about small pleasant moments, for example, as the group “Alai Oli” sings, “if you run out of food, your friends will not leave you.” Close people often make each other happy for no reason.
Friends support you in difficult moments and help you with things you can’t handle on your own.
You can trust a friend and tell about your most secret things.
My experience
I have a friend with whom we have been communicating since kindergarten, that is, for about 23 years. During this time, everything happened. During our school years, we even separated for some time and went to different companies, and then we started communicating again. I note that at this time no one said unpleasant things about the other, did not give away secrets. On the contrary, we continued to say good things about each other and defend the other’s name if necessary. By the way, this separation happened somehow smoothly, that is, without a scandal, as did the further reunion. And I no longer remember why this happened.
In middle and high school we communicated very closely. Then we entered different universities and moved to different cities, but continued to keep in touch. Now we rarely meet, but it happens - either she comes to me, then I come to her. And you know what, during these rare meetings there is no impression that we have become strangers. Although each has someone closer, each has changed, we still understand each other, turn to each other for support or advice.
I think, despite everything, we remained best friends. And this is based on those childhood and teenage memories, shared secrets, mysteries and discoveries. After all, new friends, no matter how close in spirit we are, do not know or remember the old us, but we have known each other all our lives, we have seen each other in all sorts of “aggregate states.”
What should a good friend do?
But friendship also requires certain efforts and the fulfillment of corresponding responsibilities:
- It is necessary to be a good friend , to give yourself spiritually to a loved one. Only one who is a good friend has many friends.
- There is no place for selfishness in friendship ; sometimes it is necessary to make compromises. Only a person who values not only himself, but also those around him has true friends.
- Friendship does not end with the bright streak of life: true friends should support each other , like spouses, in joy, in sorrow, and in bad health.
- For a friendship to be strong, it needs to be worked on just like a relationship. If there are problems, then they need to be solved and not kept silent.
- A loved one requires respect and an honest attitude towards him. Only friend or foe can tell the real truth without fear of the artificial social norms of inappropriate politeness.
- If you found something in this list that you didn’t like, that you can never do (and this is just ShortList!), then you shouldn’t look any further for the reason for the lack of friends - it’s excessive egocentrism. A person who only takes, including from friendship, will never know the beauty of normal communication.
- Those who always observe the duties of a true friend, but do not know how to taste the benefits of friendship, need to take a good look at themselves.
Why does a girl want to be friends, refusing a relationship?
Women's psychology is so “curly” that it is easy to get lost in its vastness. Let's look at the most common type of relationship, when you like a girl, but refuses a love union, agreeing only to friendship. Why does she need this?
- You are useful to her in some way. Either you provide her financially, or give her the attention she needs, or it’s interesting to communicate with you. There are many options.
- She likes you. Why doesn't she want to date you? She is either busy with another guy, or in love with someone, or expects some “special” act from you.
- She is interested in you as a friend. In other words, she really needs you as a friend.
There is another option why a girl does not want to part with you, but can only offer friendship - she is flattered by your attention. There is a category of girls who crave everyone's attention. They take care of themselves and are quite attractive. Many men can pay attention to them. So, they like male attention, but they do not allow men to approach them, so to speak, in order to feel their own value.
These are the so-called “queens” who know that everyone likes them, but at the same time they do not let them approach them so as not to lose value in the eyes of men. And here the technology of these young ladies is very simple: in order for them to become interested in you, you need to stop paying attention to them.
This can be seen in everything. Abundance allows you not to worry about details that may disappear or disappear from life. The richer a person is, the less he cares about the pennies that are spent. The larger the company, the more impersonal the employees who work in it become. The more things you have, the less you worry about them breaking or missing.
If we consider the value of a guy in relation to the girl he likes, this manifests itself in the following: if there are a large number of fans, the girl ceases to value each individually. Now all the guys are becoming the same for her. She does not love them, does not recognize the motives of their actions and desires. She doesn't try to get to know them. The girl just gets used to the fact that all the guys are courting her without appreciating it.
The less attention you pay to a girl, the more acutely she notices it. The fewer fans a girl has, the more valuable everyone who looks after her becomes. The more fans a girl has, the more she values those who do not court her. As they say, while a person has, he does not value, but when he loses, he cries. But here a slightly different principle applies: the less a person has, the more he appreciates the little things that appear to him.
So, let's move on to the strategy of what you need to do to avoid becoming the friend of a girl who refuses a relationship.
Why don't I have friends?
The most common reason for not having friends is the aforementioned selfishness in its extreme. Let's not dwell on it.
Read more: 20 reasons why people may not like you
Another potential reason is incorrect positioning of oneself in society. Perhaps the person is too shy, and because of this he behaves differently than he could under any other conditions. Pretentiousness is easily labeled by people as unnaturalness, which means secrecy. It's best to allow yourself to be natural. Don't let any environment or situation take you out of your comfort zone. Only then can you allow yourself to reveal and show your best qualities that were previously hidden behind a mask.
Often people look for friends where it will not bring any results, but they do not stop their search. Why? The root causes may be different, but the result is the same: the opposition of a particular person to a social group. In this case, you need to look for another social circle, people with whom you have common interests or views on life. If a person has, as they say, a “complex character,” it is difficult for him to get along with people.
But in order to find a friend, you sometimes need to overcome yourself, to meet another person halfway. There are people who are afraid to impose themselves. Such people may have a high chance of making friends, but the fear of being the odd one out prevents friendly relations. It may be that a person's behavior offends certain people with whom he would like to become friends.
How to make friends with the right people: 6 rules
Let's play a game - you need to answer a question in two parts. Only honestly:
- Think about the last time you were incredibly happy (11/10 bliss) and very sad (-20/10). Was it related to a certain person or lack thereof?
- List five close friends you have made in the last five years. Will there be five?
I can bet my average salary that most people answered “yes” to the first question and no to the second.
The truth is that close relationships disproportionately impact our lives during the time we intentionally think about them. Most people's closest relationships in their lives were voluntarily shaped by school, work, or the activities they enjoyed as teenagers. And they haven't thought about it since. They meet the same people, go to the same places and have the same conversations.
What's wrong, you ask? Well, nothing really. Let me rephrase that: It doesn't mean something is wrong - it means it could be significantly better.
If someone offered you and a team of your choice a quest with a $10 million prize, how carefully would you assemble that team? Most likely, you would sit down and carefully analyze what characteristics are important to win the quest.
Well, this quest is called life, and the final prize is much more than $10 million.
The Science of Choosing the Right People in Your Life
You've probably heard the quote, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with," often attributed to self-improvement guru Jim Rohn.
When I first heard this, my first thought was: “Well, of course, how do you measure this?!”
I decided to find out if there were studies showing how the people in our lives affect the quality of our lives.
And you know what - there are a lot of them. Here are some examples.
Having obese friends (and even neighbors) significantly increases the likelihood that you yourself are obese
A study conducted by scientists from Harvard and the University of California involving 12 thousand people over 32 years old found that a person's likelihood of becoming obese increases by 57% if he or she has an overweight friend.
And surprisingly, a meta-analysis of the role of social connections, conducted on the basis of 45 studies spanning several decades, showed that not only close friends, but even people who are close to you geographically, for example, neighbors, can influence your weight.
Please note that I do not encourage fat shaming in any form. Weight is easy to measure, which is why there is a lot of research on the influence of social connections on it.
Happy friends make you happier
A 20-year study of 4,739 people by Harvard researchers found that happy and unhappy people clearly cluster together, and if a friend who lives a mile away is happy, you are 25% happier too.
Good relationships improve all aspects of health
In Friendship: Evolution, Biology, and the Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Framework, Lydia Denworth argues that very few people realize that social relationships can have a broad impact on health. Everything changes - from your cardiovascular system, your immunity, to the way you sleep, to your cognitive health.
Notably, the effects are measurable over time. An 80-year Harvard Study of Adult Health and Development found that our relationships, and in particular how happy we are in our relationships, strongly influence health and longevity—more so than social class, IQ, or even genes.
“When we put together everything we knew about the participants at age 50, we saw that the indicator of their aging was not their cholesterol level. People who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80,” says Robert Waldinger, who led the study.
As I said, you won't die today if you don't have good friends, but you may become overweight, be poorer, less happy and less healthy, and die earlier. Fine?
Jokes aside, I am not suggesting that you look for rich, successful and slim friends. However, I suggest that you be mindful and intentional about the people you spend time with because it changes your life.
How do I know? I experimented a lot with friends.
Choice training
I broke away from my family when I was 17, not yet knowing that my life would be one great nomadic adventure. Since then I have lived on different continents and in dozens of cities. After the first few bouts of intense loneliness and the realization that my closest friends were 30 hours and $2,000 away from me, I decided to consistently build meaningful relationships instead of just waiting for them to happen.
This process pays attention to both existing relationships and new ones I would like to create. Here he is.
Make a time limit
Every day in the evening I write down who I spent more than an hour with that day. It doesn't have to be a friend - it could be a professor at a university, a cleaner, or a barista you talk to every day at a coffee shop. I also record time spent alone. Do this for at least two weeks to get a good slice of your life.
Write down your feelings
Write down how this interaction made you feel. Did you feel energized, exhausted, or neither? A simple scale from 1 to 5 is fine. Be careful - has this person put you on the defensive? Did you feel anxious? Use as many words as possible, but don't put too much emphasis on it.
Know yourself
This is the most important step in this process. It's important to understand that what makes you happy is different from what makes someone else happy. Find out what brings happiness to you.
Building on steps 1 and 2, identify what makes you feel good or bad about these interactions. See if the same words appear in multiple interactions. List what is necessary for you and what is undesirable.
For example, my top three needs are intention, kindness, and effort. And what I would like to avoid is inconsistency.
Choose intentionally
Compare the qualities you identified in step 3 to the people you spend time with. Do you spend most of your time with people who meet your emotional needs? Or does your energy go to those who return it with negativity?
“It is better to be alone than in bad company” - George Washington
While doing this exercise, I discovered a strange irony. It lies in the fact that we take our best relationships for granted.
Think about it—when you have too much to do, isn't it your spouse who puts you on the back burner, knowing that he or she loves you and will forgive you? On a bad day, are you harsh with your spouse but nice with the barista? Now I save my best self for the people who matter most.
Break up toxic relationships
This is one of the most difficult steps. Breaking up with someone with whom you have a long history is heartbreaking, even though we have known for a long time that this friendship is not good for us. You were good friends in the past, but now you have gone in different directions. Be grateful to the past, part with it.
When faced with this problem, I always remind myself that emotional energy is a finite source. The energy you put into negative relationships is the energy you don't put into meaningful relationships. I imagine that emotional energy is a currency (like money) and that I have a limited budget. So, as I sit next to this person, I ask myself: Would I be here if I had to pay $200 to spend time with this person? What if this means I don't have the money to be with the person I like?
Make new friends
Consciously search for the type of relationship you want. If you want to become an entrepreneur, find a mastermind group. If you want to get more outdoors, find a hiking group. This is one of the few things in life that your 6-year-old self did better than your 30-, 40-, or even 50-year-old self.
Important Tips for Choosing Friends
Choose people who reciprocate your feelings
This is an extremely important rule. Yes, pursue communication from the people you're attracted to, but if they don't reciprocate, move on. Anyone who has experienced unrequited love understands that there are some things that no amount of intention, effort, or desire on your part can change. It's the same with friendship. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, it doesn't matter how hard you try.
Choose sincerity
Trust arises only when there are no hidden subtexts. One of my close friends is 30 years older than me and we have almost nothing in common. The beauty of our relationship is that there is no romantic overtones and we don't need to use each other to advance our careers or look cool. We just both sincerely want the other person to be happy.
Life can be confusing sometimes - you make stupid mistakes, get carried away with people who clearly aren't worth it, repeat destructive patterns, and there are days when you're just inexplicably sad. The point is that your life is unique. Choose someone who is willing to share with you the full range of human experience and who allows you to express yourself fully.
Choose people who will help you grow
No one achieves success alone. You need people who stimulate and support you. Find friends who will raise the bar higher and become your biggest fans.
If one of your friends is constantly jealous of your success, and their endless pessimism discourages you, it's time to think about whether you should give them a place in your life.
“Stay away from people who try to diminish your ambitions. That's what little people do, but the truly great ones make you feel like you can be great too." - Mark Twain
Choose people who are different from you
Creating variety in my relationships is one of the most rewarding decisions I've ever made. Thanks to this, I learned to communicate differently and became acquainted with things that I usually did not notice. I learned to look at the world from different points of view. It's just much more enjoyable.
Focus on character, not charisma
This is the most important thing I've learned in decades of relationship building. When I was young, I was drawn to the cool kids who everyone wanted to hang out with - they made me laugh until I cried and we partied the night away. And then they disappeared. Sometimes for weeks. They responded when it was convenient for them, not when I needed them.
I quickly learned that emotional security was built on qualities such as consistency, kindness and responsiveness, not extroversion and adventurousness.
Choose time after time
The silent killer of any relationship is complacency. For your own benefit and the benefit of those around you, be intentional about how much energy and attention you give to each meeting. Let me emphasize: I don't think that every person has to meet absolutely all your needs - you can choose someone just because they make you happy every time you see them. The point is to clarify for yourself the reason for your attitude towards a particular person. This will help you perform better.
How it works?
Let me start by saying that it was not easy. Especially when I didn't know myself very well. In many cases, choosing people was much easier because they were convenient.
How do I know it was worth it?
Because I am reminded of this every day. I'm reminded of this every time I see their spare house keys on my chain. Or when a friend drives six hours just to hang out, or when a friend reads every article as soon as it's published, or when life throws something at me like in a Hollywood movie.
I had never been in a friendship network before, but each person showed up and provided a thread that connected me to a giant safe network. And then I realized that I did everything right. I hope you too will understand that your emotional energy is one of the most valuable currencies you have in life, and begin to share it only with those people who truly deserve it.
There's something else I didn't tell you. This will take time. A lot of time. And good relationships are like compound interest—starting at 20 is exponentially better than starting at 50, even if you invest the same amount.
Start today - it will change everything.
“Tell me who your friend is and I will tell you who you are” - Johann Wolfgang Goethe
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Basics of Self-Analysis
That is, in order to understand the cause of loneliness, you need to ask yourself a few questions:
- How selfish am I? What do my family think about this?
- Can I make concessions?
- Do I really like the people I want to be friends with? Should I look for another company?
- Am I helpful in difficult situations?
- Do I know how to behave with people? Does my behavior offend anyone's views?
These are the main points to think about, not a test. You don’t need to quickly answer all the questions “yes” or “no,” you need to “dig” into yourself and understand what’s wrong. Only then will there be a chance to fix anything.
Preemptive strike
Get ahead of her with the line “Let’s just be friends.” These words will be useful to you when you feel that your relationship, which was developing so well at first, has stalled. This sacramental phrase, said at the right time in the right place (for example, at the end of a well-spent evening together), will help push your friend to the next logical step. The girl, of course, understands what exactly you need from her. Therefore, if you suddenly reject her, she will make every effort to make you change your mind.
The right way to be friends is to give meaningful gifts
Think about the gifts you give to a friend. Gifts don't have to be big or expensive to nurture your friendship. In fact, it's often the smallest but most thoughtful ones that are the biggest hits. Pay attention to the details of your friend's life to find what she will really appreciate. Here are some gift ideas for your girlfriend:
- Items that bring back memories for both of you, such as tickets to an event, a fun book, or gift certificates to a favorite restaurant.
- Anything that helps a friend deal with everyday matters can be an excellent gift. Things like an offer to babysit a child, a book of simple recipes, or an offer to help at the dacha.
- Homemade gifts are great if you're giving something your friend really wants. If you are a needlewoman, then a handmade hat or knitted scarf. Or you can make a memorable photo journal or scrapbook, or sew a couple of pillows for her apartment.
