It is customary to look at problems with character as a purely external defect, because from the outside it seems that only the person’s surroundings suffer from it. The bearer of the defect, according to popular opinion, is satisfied with everything, otherwise he would have taken action long ago or, at least, a decision to strengthen his character. To understand whether this is so in reality, let's draw a parallel with a physical deficiency, for example, with stoop. A slouched person is unpleasant to look at - this is all he can do to complicate the life of those around him. The person himself suffers from:
- Hostile glances.
- Regular back pain.
The first affects self-esteem, makes a person suspicious, creates permanent stress, which cannot but affect mental health. The second needs no comment.
Many readers will argue that a physical defect is more difficult to correct than a personal one. This is a myth, and it is not spread by the smartest people who do not recognize any efforts other than mechanical ones. Like, it’s hard to carry sacks of potatoes, but internal work cannot be hard by definition. How can it be, only because there are no instructions for its implementation, no guarantees of success, no unambiguous guidelines.
The path of personality transformation is a path of endless making and correcting mistakes. That’s why deciding on it is more difficult than coming up with an excuse for all your shortcomings.
And yet, the issue has been studied for a long time; there has always been a demand for services in the field of improving personal qualities, so modern psychologists and psychotherapists are able to help a person change himself. They act as a kind of guides, helping to avoid some mistakes and not lose support at the first difficulties. However, a person always does the main work himself.
If we talk specifically about developing a strong character, then this is one of the most understandable areas of development, since hardness is always a response to stress. If the stress is physical, the muscles harden; if the stress is moral, the will becomes stronger and the character is strengthened. The only way to develop strength of character is to constantly test it for strength, but do it wisely, without going to extremes, without trying to carry more than you can lift.
Think less
The first stopping factor is fear, which can be obvious or hidden. Obvious fear is felt in moments of direct danger, it is easy to detect, it is understandable, because it is in the area of consciousness. Hidden fear is a reaction to a perceived danger, lives in the subconscious and is difficult to detect. Symptoms of such fear are doubts and “excuses.” There are statistics showing that the most successful businessmen are poor planners but men of action. Such a person will smash his head against the wall 30 times, but on the 31st he will find a weakness in the wall. And those who like to tinker with plans for a long time too often do not come to action, because there are reasons to change their minds.
Why can't you punish your subordinates?
Example:
This is not the first time your subordinate has violated his job description, and according to the regulations, you are obliged to punish him.
But you can't do that! You can't psychologically!
You have an irrational feeling of guilt, as if it is your fault that it is not working well!
You don't realize it. You react with your body. You experience such a “cotton” state , and your brain automatically comes up with an excuse why it doesn’t need to be punished this time either.
In the end, again you agree that this is the last time. And everything repeats all over again.
The reason is still the same. Situations in childhood where you were “blamed” by your parents, “blamed” on purpose, and just like that.
The conditioned reflex took hold. And already as an adult, you react like a child.
The “treatment” is still the same. Feelings of irrational guilt need to be worked through.
Important point. Before working through feelings of guilt, you need to work through feelings of irrational anxiety and shame. Because if you feel fear, shame, a sense of inferiority, the feeling of guilt may return to you.
Work with motivation
When it comes to the fundamental principles of life, such as maintaining health, inviolability of home, and the safety of loved ones, there are no soft people. Everyone immediately becomes tough and begins to defend their interests. Even if the character never existed, it will appear and manifest itself so clearly that everyone will be surprised. This speaks of the great potential of the human psyche, of the reserves that are tapped in the event of a “mortal” need, when the harmful expression “no big deal” stops working.
An extreme situation differs from a non-extreme one in that it does not allow absentee optimism - “it won’t work out and that’s okay,” replacing it with “it’s bound to work out.” Learn to artificially create such a mood when approaching any task.
Legal assessment
According to criminal law, cruel behavior is illegal and is regarded as socially dangerous.
The law recognizes special cruelty in the commission of crimes as an aggravating circumstance. It influences the strengthening of measures and increasing the terms of punishment.
Evidence indicating particular cruelty in the commission of a crime is:
- causing a large amount of physical damage;
- the use of drugs or poisons that had a painful effect on a person;
- burning alive;
- prolonged deprivation of food and water;
- causing harm to the victim’s loved ones, which caused him additional suffering;
- bullying of the victim.
Track your achievements
Toughness of character does not come out of thin air; it is a consequence of self-confidence, which is supported by opportunities. Mostly people who don’t believe in themselves complain about a lack of toughness. A person’s self-esteem is structured in such a way that it can only be regulated with the help of facts. We won, achieved, achieved - self-esteem is in the plus; we lost, lost, gave up - self-esteem is in the minus. It is noteworthy that all victories and achievements can count as positives; it is important to start giving them importance. To do this, keep a diary or journal, write down every small victory in it and strive to ensure that there are more entries.
Tough people - what are they like?
If the phrase “tough person” comes up in a conversation, then many begin to draw an image of an intolerant person who looks with disdain at the weakness of others. In fact, toughness can be called a reflection of a person’s strongest character traits, including perseverance, will and self-control.
Tough people tend to be leaders by nature. Moreover, it is worth considering that this character trait is not innate, it is formed under the influence of various external factors, often difficult life situations.
Rigidity can essentially be called the ability to remain steadfast even when external or internal stimuli for a long time do not provide the opportunity to relax.
Important
Internal irritants include personal weaknesses and desires, and external irritants include insults, neglect and resentment caused by other people.
A tough person is characterized by the following behavior:
- The ability to quickly navigate difficult life situations and find the most optimal solution to a problem.
- The ability to defend your point of view on any important issue.
- The ability to protect yourself and your loved ones in critical situations, often without the use of physical force.
- High level of discipline, punctuality and willingness to take responsibility for words and actions.
The above character traits become the basis for the formation of an internal core, which often manifests itself in the form of rigidity, which can be very useful in situations such as:
- Conflicts with colleagues in the work environment.
- Stressful and force majeure incidents.
- Disputes and discussions that require defending your opinion.
- As a means of defense against opponent's aggression.
However, you should not think that rigidity is an exclusively positive feature. Such people also have certain disadvantages, for example:
- Emotional stinginess. It can be quite difficult for tough people to express intense joy or grief. For them, such vivid emotions are a sign of weakness that they cannot afford. They are used to controlling themselves both in professional activities and in everyday life, and increased emotionality for them is an indicator of a loss of control.
- Tendency to egocentrism. Over time, tough people begin to prioritize only their needs, believing that their desires and opinions are above all.
- Intolerance. A tough person is critical of himself and his environment. He does not accept weakness and mistakes. Democracy and tolerance are alien to him. If a tough person demands the maximum from himself, then he will also set higher standards for others.
- Problems with building romantic and friendly relationships. Intolerance and the inability to turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of others almost always become a tangible problem in creating social connections of one degree or another. No love can guarantee that a year later a tough person will not begin to reproach his soulmate for her bad habits or lack of ambition.
Create the desired image for yourself and work on its implementation
Just don’t focus on creating an image; it’s enough to just understand what you’re doing. In fact, your task is to become who you want to become, now. That is, if you dream of becoming a self-confident person, strong, with a decisive and tough character, there is no point in waiting until you turn into him through some evolutionary path. It’s best to write down the key qualities of your new “me” on paper and immediately start developing them. For example, sign up for a gym or boxing class to improve your appearance, learn to fight back and reinforce your decisiveness with the weight of your fist in case of emergency.
What is cruelty and how does it manifest itself?
Every day we communicate and perhaps even get to know different people, and we form an impression about them: whether they are good or bad, evil or kind, cruel or merciful. And, as much as I wouldn’t like it, there are a lot of cruel people in the world. They make wars, kill, take revenge, cause mental pain, it is from them that evil comes. They say that it is necessary for there to be balance in the world. As for me, it’s better without balance, as long as everyone is alive and well.
Cruelty is a very insidious psychological trait. We are all endowed with it from birth, like any other quality. Only some people refuse to develop it, while others do everything possible to become even tougher every year. Cruelty is always accompanied by bitterness, feelings of envy, rudeness, destructive aggression and terrible selfishness. A cruel person, in achieving his goal, will go over their heads, kill if necessary, and will never show mercy, even if there is an innocent child in front of him. The worst thing is that a cruel person always gets pleasure from his atrocities.
Important: there are two forms of cruelty: active, in which a person himself commits crimes against any living being intentionally, and passive, when a person observes the manifestation of cruelty, does not react to a cry for help, but enjoys what he sees. Both forms of cruelty are very dangerous. And, unfortunately, it is not always possible to identify people with such qualities right away, because they skillfully disguise their true face.
Cruelty can be physical and mental. I propose to consider the main manifestations of cruelty in a person:
- Gossip, slander, ridicule, humiliation and other verbal aggression towards another person.
- Physical harm: beating, sexual violence.
- Destruction of all living things: animals, plants, people.
- Negative emotions in an extremely pronounced form: irritability, anger, intolerance and hatred.
- Destroying inanimate objects is intentional.
- Refusal to provide help to someone who asks. Here we are talking about saving human life and health.
What to do if your husband hits you: advice from a psychologist and lawyer
Sadists have all of the above manifestations. These are mentally ill people who simply cannot live without causing physical pain to someone. They get tremendous pleasure from their actions. For example, these are maniacs, murderers, terrorists. Such people believe that the harm and evil that comes from them is a mission that they must fulfill during their lifetime. As for me, such people simply need to be exterminated. Maybe this is how my cruelty manifests itself, too, but I believe that cruel people are “metastases” who only poison the life of the planet’s population, robbing them of strength and energy.
Surround yourself with examples
The saying “Whoever you mess with, you’ll get rich from” works. A person learns fastest when he repeats after another person, even if he does not realize it. The more people with a tough character in your environment, the more features of their behavior will be passed on to you in the course of communication and joint activities. You don’t even have to consciously do anything; changing your character to a tougher one will happen by itself, the main thing is to find a suitable environment.
How does it manifest in humans?
The manifestation of cruelty in humans can be considered from the point of view of neurophysiology. This quality often appears in the form of a person’s response to any stimulus. This is due to the innate human need for a feeling of comfort and security.
In the brain, the amygdala and posterior hypothalamus are responsible for cruelty. The first ensures the collection of information and gives the second a reaction to act.
The adrenal glands secrete the hormones adrenaline and norepinephrine. They are the ones who increase a person’s level of rigidity. The level of cruelty can also be influenced by the hormones dopamine and serotonin. This is especially true when a person demonstrates physical cruelty, and he requires clarity of movements, sharpness and reaction.
The tone of the skeletal muscles increases and pain sensitivity decreases. The breathing of a person who is planning cruelty is usually rapid and shallow. Sweating is increased, fine motor skills are impaired, and the pulse quickens.
Is cruelty visible in facial expressions?
It is worth taking a closer look at the facial expressions of a cruel person. He may begin to “play” with his jaw muscles. His gaze is usually focused and does not look around.
Historical ruthlessness
The older generation likes to wonder why so many bitter people appeared? Before, everyone was kinder. Listening to their complaints, you involuntarily agree. You just have to open the newspaper or look at the announcements.
Previously, people were kinder. It's worth thinking about. And earlier - when? Millennia ago, when cannibalism flourished? Well, these people can actually be justified somehow. They were primitive. And they didn’t know at all about humane attitude towards one’s neighbor. Or maybe those who lived during the era of the Inquisition were kinder? Or during the reign of Stalin? A huge number of people were in jail thanks to denunciations. How many such “good-natured people” tried with all their hearts to give their neighbors a “gift”!
Why does one feel that there are so many bitter people now? Naturally, the media contributed. In the era of democracy, they pay more attention to manifestations of ruthlessness. It must be emphasized that the level of humanity among the world's population has increased, which is why anger is so visible.
Methods of protection
When faced with aggression from others, it is necessary to take the following measures:
- Learn a couple of self-defense techniques and use hand-to-hand combat when there is a threat coming from strangers.
- Learn to ignore “energy vampires” who create insults and provocations.
- Increase self-esteem. People who are too soft and modest attract tough people like a magnet.
- In some situations, it is worth asking for help from those closest to you, or contacting law enforcement agencies (for example, if a neighbor is threatening to kill you).
If a person suffers from his own cruelty and wants to change, he needs to work on self-esteem. Perhaps the individual strives to rise, to prove to himself and others his own importance. It is also worth periodically visiting the place of your interlocutor and feeling the suffering of the victim. A psychologist will provide good help in this situation: a specialist will make it clear what manifestations of anger can mean and suggest effective ways to manage aggression.
Cruel and aggressive men. How to live with them? How to get out of a traumatic relationship?
Very often in my practice I hear the following request:
What to do? My husband constantly talks rudely, takes it out on me, devalues me and my appearance, my hobbies, he began to disappear at work, I suspect him of cheating, or he hit me...
And many, many similar requests.
For the sake of general understanding, I will unite all individuals prone to emotional, moral, sexual and physical violence under one name - tyrant. And their other half is a victim.
You begin to think that there is something wrong with you, you have become something else, that’s why he became distant, rude, aggressive, controlling and jealous.
But this is a mistake, and it’s not all your fault. You just believed and hoped that he was about to change, become different. But in most cases, neither the birth of a child nor indulgence in everything can change the situation.
Because he became like this as a child. And it doesn’t matter how, why and what factors played a decisive role in the formation of his personality. This will only be an excuse for his cruelty for you.
Change, reason with, or try to understand him, help him feel better or calm down - all these are vain ideas that many are guided by, believing that living with such a person is easy.
It will not be possible to overcome his cruelty, guided by conflict resolution, control over his impulsiveness, or indulging his habits.
Chronically being treated poorly makes you doubt your mental abilities and adequacy. This can only be overcome by fighting cruelty.
How to first determine whether your chosen one is cruel?
As a rule, he demands! And he gives himself “rights”: you need to serve him physically, emotionally and sexually.
He does not have any responsibility - do not demand anything from him. After all, he “promised nothing and doesn’t owe you anything.” Have you heard similar phrases from him?
That is, he is sure that meeting his needs is your responsibility. All troubles are your fault.
You should not make any demands or criticize him. And in general, “you are incredibly lucky that there is a golden man nearby.”
An abusive man does not picture himself yelling at a woman, humiliating her, or throwing heavy objects at her. Falling in love, he, like a woman, dreams of family paradise.
Then what is going on in his brain?
He looks with lust at the future, where a woman satisfies all his needs, so beautiful and sexy at any time of the day or night, where she has no needs of her own and bows to his intelligence and charm. He longs for a woman who will serve him, who will never complain - no matter what he does - and who will darken his life with her disappointment or dissatisfaction with her own life.
The abusive man does not reveal these selfish fantasies to his new partner. Yes, in many ways he himself is not aware of them.
But what should you pay attention to in the first stages of communication, so as not to fall into the whirlpool of a tyrannical personality? How to distinguish it?
Observe him and his behavior. The bells will be nearby.
- Treats former partners and past relationships with disrespect.
- Overly controlling, jealous.
- Never to blame for anything. You often catch him in lies, but he turns everything inside out so much that you stop trusting yourself and your eyes.
- Pressures you into sex or quickly moves on to a serious relationship.
- In the presence of other people, he behaves differently towards you.
- He devalues your hobbies, your appearance, your friends - ridicule, sarcasm, or simply silence and avoidance of a direct answer. He uses foul language, calls names, insults.
- Arrogant facial expressions, rolling eyes, screaming, looming over you and various types of threats. Intimidates or explodes like a match.
- In a relationship he feels like a teacher-mentor. You definitely need to listen to him and agree on everything, otherwise he will start to get angry.
- Allows himself physical influence.
Remember! Alcohol or drugs do not make a man violent. Alcohol simply encourages the release of the true Self.
Even in a state of intoxication, a person acts based on his habits, attitudes and interests. And this is only an excuse for his cruelty, which goes with him through life.
A good father will never be cruel to the mother of his child. And its negative impact extends to all family members. From anger towards everyone to physical impact.
Most of these men sincerely regret their rudeness or action, but this is just a show. And the woman “melts at the sight of his torment and repentance.”
Before choosing this man, think very carefully. Don't rush to have children with him. He will not calm down, he will not stop cheating, and he will not take responsibility. Throw away the illusion that with you he will become different. No, it won't.
But if you still believe in his beautiful words and already live with him, or you have a child together, you should understand and determine for yourself whether you are ready to endure humiliation, insults, insults, physical and emotional violence or pressure.
What is behind your desire to continue living with a person who does not value or respect you?
- Write down all the aspects, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on him.
- Rank from easiest to most difficult to perform. Start working on building your independence.
- And if you do decide to leave him, you need a clear plan.
Abusers rarely change unless they are made to suffer the consequences of their actions.
Even after undergoing psychotherapy, many of them become happy, well-adjusted violent individuals. But now they are already better savvy. They better understand vulnerabilities, learn new ways of applying pressure, and know how to better distract the victim’s attention.
“You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force him to drink.”
And yet, how can you help him change?
1. There must be punishment for any violent action. Up to and including litigation.
2. Clearly understand for yourself what you are ready to live and put up with, and what you are not.
3. Focus completely on your physical and mental health. He must understand that your words are not empty chatter and you are ready to rebuff him. If he doesn’t change himself, you are ready to act.
Unfortunately, neither the involvement of relatives and friends in your situation, nor requests, entreaties and entreaties and pressure on pity will force him to change. Because the benefits he gets from controlling you are many times greater than the losses.
Trying to change your partner is a dead end.
Concentrate on yourself, move towards the goal you have set for yourself. Fill your life with joy.
The only way that can make him cope with his aggression and cruelty on his own is to prove to yourself and to him that you are capable of living and coping with difficulties without him.
Don't play the role of a victim, but become a mature, adult and self-sufficient person.
We lived better before
The older generation likes to complain and say that young people are cruel now. That good is losing and the dark side is filling the world. At first, of course, I want to agree, but if we turn to history, then questions arise for the ancestors.
Previously, we simply didn’t think about why a person becomes cruel. There were other problems. I would like to note that now people, on the contrary, have become more humane, because of this, cruelty is very striking.
The media and the weakening of censorship play a huge role in life. News reports are constantly full of scary headlines. Turn on the TV, change channels and you will definitely come across at least one that shows cruelty.
Because of this, we also develop an addiction to cruelty. Learning every day that someone was killed somewhere, in the end every person at least once in his life will say, “They killed, they killed, what can you do. Life is like that."
Difficult economic situation, worsening relations between states, information war, substitution of concepts, mistakes in education, and not only of parents, public education is also not ideal. All this affects the mood of society, the weather in the house and relationships between people.
Posture, ability to hold oneself
A confident woman walks calmly, with a straight back, without waving her arms like a soldier on the parade ground. Her whole figure expresses dignity and readiness to stand up for herself.
Slouching is always perceived as humiliation, a desire to hide from others, or as an oppression of worries and problems. Straight shoulders, beautiful posture, and a proudly raised head reveal a confident and daring woman.
Shyness is emphasized by clasped hands, a downcast gaze, as well as the habit of scratching the nose, ears or fiddling with hair. Try to look your interlocutor in the eyes and keep your palms in front of you.
A confident girl always reflects inner harmony and calm. The best expression of these qualities is a friendly smile. Daring girls do not walk around with a frown and an expression of universal sorrow on their faces.
