How to forget a man

Hi all! Every person wants to meet a loved one in their life with whom it will be warm and cozy. In some cases, a woman can meet this same soul mate in the person of a married man, and what should she do then?

First of all, stealing a lover from a family he has already built is immoral and immoral, but suddenly, between a girl and a married man, there really are sincere and strong feelings, which pushes them to create a relationship with each other. According to statistics, this kind of relationship does not last long, and the woman begins to reproach herself for her feelings. How to forget the married man you love and stop feeling the mental pain tearing you apart...

Why is it better to stop loving a married man?

Situations when a beloved man turns out to be married are quite rare. However, it is precisely such cases that are considered the most difficult. After all, the average man will constantly feel guilty about his abandoned children and wife.

In addition, he will understand that:

1. The abandoned spouse will take a long time to recover from the divorce;
2. The children will be offended by him. In addition, the departure of the father can negatively affect the development of the child’s psyche;
3. Love for a new woman may fade over time. A man will constantly think about whether it was in vain that he exchanged his children and wife for another woman.

That is why in most cases, after leaving the family, husbands return after some time. A woman who loves such a man has only one thing left to do - stop loving him. This is not easy to do, but it is the best way out of this situation.

It's time to do it

How do you know when it's time to break up? Of course, in this case everything depends on the man’s attitude towards the woman. Perhaps the lover himself experiences a feeling of falling in love and is ready to sacrifice everything, including his family, in order to be with his loved one. It is necessary to push him to a decision - to make him choose between himself and his wife, and depending on the decision he makes, think about whether to leave his lover.

But in most cases, the opposite situation occurs, when a girl is only a backup option for a man and someone with whom he fulfills his carnal needs, but, as a rule, he is not ready to risk his family in order to continue these feelings. In this case, you should think about how to leave your married lover and start a new life.

Advice from psychologists

Psychologists have identified a number of points that help you understand how to stop loving a married man.

advice from psychologists

First of all you need to:

• Pay attention to your self-esteem. Sometimes women deliberately start relationships with married men. In this way they boost their low self-esteem by thinking that they are better than their lover's wife. However, there are many other ways to improve self-esteem without destroying other people's families.
• Highlight the negative qualities of a man. Every person has his own negative qualities. It's just that when people are in love, they may not notice them. Perhaps the man is rude in places, has bad habits or does not like children. It is better to think about this in advance than to experience all this on yourself later;
• Imagine yourself in the place of your lover's wife. It is quite difficult to fulfill this point, and some women do not want to do it at all. However, it’s worth imagining yourself in the place of a woman who waits for her husband at night, thinking that he is at work and not with his mistress;
• Remember religion. Believing women must know that any religion condemns infidelity. Of course, you shouldn’t punish yourself too much and blame yourself for choosing a married man. It is enough to go to church and ask for forgiveness for this, and also reject further “adultery”;
• How to stop loving a married man faster? Try not to see him, let him go. After each new meeting, unnecessary memories will arise that can lead to tears and suffering. Only by eliminating meetings with a married man will it be possible to completely forget him;
• Eliminate from life all things that remind you of him. This point is very similar to the previous one. Gifts from your lover, his phone number in the address book, clothes - all this will once again remind you of him;
• Change your train of thought. Every time thoughts related to this person appear in your head, you need to start thinking about other things. It looks something like this: “Igor... Stop. I don't think about him. I'm thinking about what to cook for breakfast";
• Have fun, don't suffer. First of all, you should not isolate yourself and sit at home all day long thinking about a married man. On the contrary, you need to start going out with friends more often, making new acquaintances, going on vacation;
• Get angry at the man. We must try to remember every deception of his, every unfulfilled word or promise. After this, you should adjust yourself to the idea that he doesn’t love you that much. And in general, why love a man because of whom a girl suffers?
• Give him an ultimatum. You need to look at things with real eyes and understand that a man is unlikely to leave his wife on his own, even if he has already promised this more than once. We need to give him an ultimatum: “either get a divorce or leave.” In most cases, after such a conversation, the man either leaves or begins to come up with many excuses, according to which he cannot do this now.

You need to be realistic and not hope that a relationship with a married man will be successful. This is the only way to save yourself from further problems in relationships, tears and depression.

How to properly leave lovers

There is a saying: if you shoot at the past with a gun, the future will shoot at you with a cannon. According to psychologists, she fully relates to parting with her lovers.

“No matter how long you are together, you already have some kind of joint history, long or short, and in it there is both bad and good,” says practicing psychologist Elena Pikhovkina. - You separate, but your common past remains, and there is always something shared in it - if not children and property, then joys and sorrows. And this past must be respected.

Those who believe in karma and the “balance of good and evil in nature” are sure: just as you leave, having fallen out of love, one day they will leave you too. Pragmatists are not afraid of mystical “answers,” but they are well aware of the saying about wells in which it is better not to spit. You never know on what narrow path of life you might meet abandoned exes?!

Psychologists advise treating your partners the way you would like them to treat you - even if you are already on the threshold of saying goodbye forever. And then it becomes clear that few people really want to instill hatred, anger or a thirst for revenge towards themselves.

The not-so-humane tricks that men and women resort to in order to break off boring relationships can be reduced to three types.

Vanishing type: was there a boy?

The method is disappearance. According to experts, it is suitable for faint-hearted egoists. Disappearance (sudden cessation of all contacts, switched off phone, etc.) allows the person leaving not to explain anything and not to look into the eyes of the abandoned partner at all in the hope that sooner or later he will realize that he has been abandoned.

The last thing anyone thinks about is that the poor guy might go crazy with worry or even go on the wanted list. Personal comfort is more important to him - not to explain himself, not to strain, not to feel guilty.

If the disappearance occurs early in the relationship, the dumped party certainly doesn't run to the police. But it remains in limbo: since there was no separation procedure, that means there is hope. And the more painful is her downfall: time spent on vain dreams is added to the pain of separation.

Women's experience. 32-year-old Yulia recalls how life accidentally brought her together with someone who did not even honor her with a farewell.

— Ten years ago, at university, I seriously fell in love, I just couldn’t breathe without Andrey! He seems to be too. But one day, in the fourth month of a regular relationship, he suddenly disappeared - without reason, without explanation. He simply disappeared from contact, stopped calling and making appointments.

At first, of course, I called myself. But he always had excuses: “I was busy,” “I had things to do,” “I couldn’t.” Once I tried to call him for a frank conversation and asked: maybe you want to break up?! He replied: no, what do you think, I just got tired, but I’ll soon fix it - and disappeared again. I waited two weeks and realized that there was no point in calling him - the man, as they say, quietly disappeared. I was very upset: really, after 3 months of a full-fledged romance, I didn’t even deserve a human farewell?!

According to Yulia, over the next 5 years she heard rumors about the career of her disappeared lover; they were in the same, rather narrow profession.

“I was already married, happy,” the girl admits, “but it was still unpleasant for me to hear about Andrey!” I couldn't help it. Of course, there is no love left anymore, but I seem to remember very well the feeling of humiliation that I experienced then.

And in the 6th year after Andrei’s disappearance, Yulia, the head of the human resources department, found his resume in the corporate mail. Andrey applied for a vacancy in their company.

“The place is enviable,” explains Yulia. — As a candidate, Andrei was ideal for him. I am not a vindictive or vindictive person, but... When I imagined that I would see him every day, I felt so sick! And I took his resume and put it in the trash! This can hardly be called revenge, because Andrei will never guess why his candidacy was never considered. He has no idea who is in charge of our HR department.

Male experience. 36-year-old Roman admits that he disappeared from relationships without a twinge of conscience until he learned that for particularly sensitive individuals this could turn into a tragedy.

“I always easily left women I didn’t love.” You can communicate with a pretty, but unloved young lady out of boredom for a week, a month or even a year. If she herself wants it, of course. But it costs you nothing to leave her at any time. Just because I got tired or met someone more interesting.

Somehow, between my first and second marriage, I was lonely, and I met a girl in a cafe. We exchanged phone numbers and made an appointment. A bouquet, a restaurant, conversations about life - everything is as it should be. Then I took her home in a taxi, but didn’t ask for a visit. We met the next evening and it ended at my house.

Everything was beautiful, Marinka was delighted. After a couple of weeks of regular meetings, she was sure that we were heading towards a wedding. On the contrary, I felt that Marina was boring me. And since I didn’t have any far-reaching plans initially, I didn’t waste time and nerves on farewell scenes - I simply disappeared. I didn’t call myself, I blocked her number. I didn’t feel any remorse; I was sure that Marinka, like everyone else, would freak out for a week and then forget. To be honest, I didn’t think about it at all, for me it was purely a sport.

And a week later, according to Roman, an unfamiliar female voice called him from an unfamiliar number.

— The woman identified herself as Marina’s older sister and said that she was in intensive care. Marina decided to commit suicide, but, fortunately, she survived. Her sister said it was because of me. I still remember my horror and bewilderment! Either rush to see Marinka in the hospital, but what can I say?! Yes, I feel sorry for her, but I’m not at all ready to continue my relationship with her. What if I don’t come, what if she does something else to herself?! As a result, I waited until she was completely on the mend, came to her in the hospital with a bouquet and a cake, and said that she was beautiful, wonderful, the best. And it’s not about her at all, I’m just not ready for a serious relationship yet, but for us, they say, everything was heading towards that... In general, I said everything that I shouldn’t have been lazy and said right away! Then there would have been no resuscitation.

Accusatory type: remember everything!

The method is a scandal. It combines clarifying relationships, instilling feelings of guilt, voicing grievances and claims through insults. According to psychologists, there are words after which, as if from the “point of no return,” normal relationships are no longer possible. It is better not to stoop to these attacks “below the belt” even at the most critical moments, since there will be no turning back - not only to a love union, but even to basic interaction. Why do you need an extra enemy, and even one who was in bed with you just yesterday?!

Women's experience. 40-year-old Alina recalls the story of her divorce from her first husband.

“When I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I became so furious that I threw his things out of my apartment shouting “gigolo,” “hanger,” and “impotent.” She shouted out to him that she had endured sex with him for the entire year of marriage only out of politeness. And let him seduce a homeless woman with his income.

Anton really came and lived with me. But otherwise, of course, I was driven by anger. He earned good money and was good in bed. But I was very hurt! He left, we had no children, we were quickly divorced. Almost 6 years have passed since then.

Recently I needed advice from an experienced IT specialist, I called Anton, and he, as soon as he heard my voice, hung up. That is, for 5 whole years he never forgave me for those evil words! It was stupid: he is to blame for the collapse of the family, and he is also angry at me!

Today Alina regrets that she got so excited then:

“I, of course, was not myself from Anton’s betrayals. But, as they said in the 90s, “the market still had to be filtered.” I found a better husband than Anton, but not an IT specialist!

Male experience. 52-year-old Vladislav tells how an improper separation from his wife cost him a successful career in the capital.

— I got married for the first time in my last year at university, and I stayed married for 3 years. Life together turned out to be unbearable: my wife constantly nagged me and frightened me with her daddy - the big boss. Her father actually got me into the service, but I advanced in my career myself. Lenka turned out to be spoiled, she wanted the whole world to revolve around her. Everything was not enough for her - money, entertainment, travel.

I had to constantly accompany her wherever she wanted, and if I tried to meet my friends, I immediately got into trouble. My mother Lena couldn’t stand it and refused to invite me to visit even once a year. And my father-in-law and mother-in-law constantly reminded me that I “owed everything to them.”

After 3 years, I saved up for a separate apartment and decided to leave before I went completely crazy. I didn’t have another woman, I was just tired of depending on my hysterical wife and her family. Realizing that I was really leaving, my wife pulled herself together and pretended to be a good girl for a while. She begged me to start over.

But something in me had already burned out: I knew that if I stayed, tomorrow everything would go as before. Therefore, for the first time, he himself provoked a scandal and declared to her face that he married her for convenience and never loved her, even slept with her because “I can’t.” Although, of course, this was an exaggeration: at the beginning of our romance, I was still in love with her. After these words, my ex kicked me out herself, which is what I wanted.

Today Vladislav says that he could have foreseen that his father-in-law could take revenge on his daughter in the professional sphere.

“But then I was too young, inexperienced and irritated by Lenkin’s behavior,” Vladislav admits. — To tell the former nasty thing, I didn’t think about the test at all. And even if he did, he was already retired then. But connections to take revenge through the wrong hands apparently remained. No, he didn't fire me, that would have been too easy. I was “only” sent on a long business trip to Baikonur, from where even the aborigines fled at that time of famine.

The sneaky guy: I’m innocent, she left on her own!

The method is manipulation. Used when the thrower wants to remain “white and fluffy.” To do this, he creates unbearable conditions (or sets obviously impossible ones) so that the party that needs to be gotten rid of withdraws itself.

Women's experience. 38-year-old Ilona is already happy in her new marriage, so she talks about her misadventures with a bit of humor. While admitting that she paid lawyers and officials well so that her ex-husband, in principle, could not see their common daughter Lisa, who is now 13.

“In the 12th year of marriage, my businessman husband dragged me into the basement of our country house and admitted in a terrible whisper that he was in terrible debt and was being pursued by criminal elements. He said that he would have to sell off some of the real estate and hide abroad for some time. But before that, it is necessary to formally divorce in order to protect Lisa and I, then she was 9, otherwise his debts may be extorted from the family.

During the 90s, I got used to everything, so I immediately believed it. When we received the divorce stamp, we even celebrated the matter in the restaurant.

To protect Lisa and me from extortionists, I personally signed a waiver of the division of property, part of which my husband was going to transfer to pay off the debt. Then my daughter and I moved to the apartment left to me by my parents, and Oleg flew to Spain, supposedly to sell our house in Marbella. It seems that he even called... But a week later, a friend who happened to be in Marbella sent me a photo of him: my husband, openly walking along the embankment in an embrace with a long-legged young woman! He set up all this in order to divorce me “without dust,” as he put it!

Ilona admits that time heals, and the light did not converge like a wedge on her ex. But he still cannot forgive the way Oleg abandoned her.

— About six months after his false escape, Oleg wrote to me that he wanted to see his daughter. I replied that only over my corpse. He replied that then he would resolve the issue through the courts. I answered - OK. And she did everything possible to deprive him of parental rights! I won’t go into details, it was quite difficult and expensive. But I’m not the least bit ashamed: what goes around comes around.

Male experience. 58-year-old Anatoly tested from his own experience how manipulations in relation to other people can come back to haunt us.

— In the mid-90s I had a successful business, a wife, two children and a young mistress. She really dreamed that I would leave my family for her. And I promised her this, although I had no intention of doing it.

I wasn’t ashamed; most married men do just that in order to prolong the pleasure. In addition, I fully provided for the girl. For a year she lived on “breakfasts”, but then she began to become hysterical. She threatened to tell my wife about us, since I couldn’t. In general, I decided that it was time to get rid of it. But he didn’t dare to quit harshly: you never know, he’ll go to his wife to take revenge. And in general, she knew too much about me.

And then one day, having previously prepared myself, I solemnly announced to Vikusa that from now on I was “all hers.” Like, he told his wife everything, although she cries, she lets go. But we will have to start life from scratch: the business and all the real estate are registered in the name of our father-in-law, and in this situation he will definitely not share.

Vikusya goggles: how are we going to live? I cheerfully answer that we will break through somehow, because the main thing is love! As a reserve officer, I will enlist in a “hot spot”; they pay well there. The mistress is almost crying: what about me?! And you, I say, will go with me, you will live in the garrison. Garrison life, you know, how fun it is! I was sure that my Vikusya was a hunter of a beautiful life and would run away from such a prospect.

But Anatoly underestimated his beloved. The very next evening a terrible family scandal awaited him. As it turned out, Vikusya came to his wife in the afternoon and began to appeal to her conscience. They say that she and Anatoly have true love, but in a “hot spot” he will disappear, which Vikusya cannot bear. Therefore, the deceived spouse must show humanity and leave them “well, at least some of the real estate.” Today, more than 20 years later, Anatoly is able to laugh at the situation, but then he had no time to laugh.

- Of course, Vikusya wanted the best! It turned out to be less selfish than I expected. But as a result, I had to separate from both her and my wife. And in the end, I really got recruited to the “hot spot”. This is such an irony of fate. But all I had to do was tell the truth: I’m not going to get a divorce, period! If you don't like it, don't eat it.

Are you planning an escape? Leave beautifully!

Are there any humane ways to leave a person who still loves you?!

“Parting is always painful for someone who continues to love,” admits Elena Pikhovkina. “But there are ways to “sweeten the pill.” Leaving gracefully means not hurting your ex-partner, but at the same time not giving him false hope.

61-year-old artist Evgenia has had 5 husbands in the past, and is now happy with her 6th. All her exes are on such good terms with her that they even come to babysit her grandchildren from other marriages. And on big holidays like Zhenechka’s birthday, everyone can even gather at one table. Evgenia herself sincerely does not understand why to erase a person from her life if her passion for him has only passed away?!

“I left each husband for the next, but I never reported it,” Evgenia shares her secret. — My favorite formulations when breaking up: I let you go, I free you — and no “I’m leaving for someone else,” God forbid!

I told my first husband that I was leaving for another country to study, my studies would take several years, so I consider it my duty to free him. Like, he will forever remain the most important person in my life: he is my first man, my first serious feeling, my first legal marriage. But we are still so young that forcing each other to remain remotely faithful is inhumane. I didn’t talk about the fact that he didn’t earn a damn thing and was as helpless as a kitten throughout his life. Saying goodbye at the airport, we kissed tenderly.

The second husband was waiting for Evgenia in the States. In the 3rd year, it turned out that Steve was extremely boring and greedy - especially compared to the Russian poet Fyodor, whom Zhenechka met on vacation in Miami.

“I told Steve that he will always be dearest to me, because he is the father of my first-born. We are connected by the most wonderful time - the first years of our son's life. But now I want to live alone, think about, perhaps, return to the profession. And I modestly kept silent about the fact that I was suffocating from his tediousness and stinginess.

Greedy Steve assigned Zhenechka a generous allowance, and as he saw her off to another state, he waved his handkerchief and shed a tear. Soon Evgenia was blissfully in the arms of the poet, who, alas, over time showed himself to be a heavy drinker and worthless in bed. Of course, when leaving him, the wise Zhenechka did not say a word about this, saying that she was simply returning to Russia. And she herself went to another state to visit Veniamin, who turned out to be a womanizer, but did not receive any complaints about this from the affectionate Zhenechka.

- If I have already decided to leave, what reason do I have to let a person go after me?! — Zhenechka is perplexed. - If you don’t want to sleep with this man anymore, this does not mean that you will never need him on some other issue!

Well, if you were abandoned, that’s even good: it means the love wasn’t great, but you still won’t become happy from it. And if you quit, save face - it will be useful to you.

Ask to meet his parents and go to his work

If the relationship is serious, then sooner or later the woman has to meet the parents of her lover. However, how can a married man introduce a new woman? Mistress? Refusal of such a request will immediately cause negative emotions in the woman, which will make the separation easier. The answer to such a request is obvious in almost 100% of cases.

obvious reaction

You can also ask the man to meet his parents. There is no point in hiding the fact that he is married during the process. Usually married men refuse such meetings, because they mentally understand that the relationship with a new woman will not last long.

Divorce from his wife can also affect a man's reputation. After all, at work they are better treated as exemplary family men, rather than employees who leave their families and cheat on their wives.

Coming to work is not an easy step to take, but it is worth it. Coming to work with a man, his intentions and attitude towards the woman will immediately be clear.

Only after he angrily kicks his “lover” out of the building can the level of his love be determined.

How to fill the void

Not long ago, a woman wondered how to leave her ex-lover, but now she dared to take this step, and her life really changed, but so far only for the worse. The woman feels unhappy and lonely. At a time when she could have a pleasant time with a man who aroused sympathy, she is alone at home and forced to be bored.

What to do in such a situation? Of course, you need to fill the gap and it is best to start a new novel for this purpose. It is also recommended to find a hobby you like and fill all your free time with it.

Ask for a divorce

Most men who cheat on their wives are cowards. To check this, you can ask him a couple of times for a divorce or talk to him about starting a family. Usually in such situations, men begin to change the topic, come up with excuses or laugh it off.

divorce

Divorces initiated by men are extremely rare. And besides, it’s work - no one wants to spoil their reputation and lose their position.

This usually turns off lovers. Of course, if a woman wants to always be in the background and act as a servant, then she can continue to date a married man. At the same time, you need to know that the chance of securing a normal future next to such a person is practically zero.

How to get over a breakup?

The primary task is to realize that breaking up a relationship is not the end of the world. It’s better now and on your initiative than later and on his whim. Love fever is curable and is not included in the list of deadly diseases. Methods to combat the disease are known:

1. Intensive occupational therapy. Wipe off the dust on your desk and get down to business. The annual report will not print itself. Go to your boss’s office one more time: he’ll definitely come up with something to puzzle you with over the weekend. If a dead end in career growth has already occurred, then switch to household chores. Wash the windows and you will see for yourself how beautiful this world is.
2. Consigned to oblivion. Forget your unsuccessful romance like a bad dream. Don't call or write to him. Somehow you lived without him before. Let there be a cute monkey on your cell phone screen instead of a photo of the two of you in Sochi. With your girlish memory, there will soon be no trace of unpleasant memories. According to legend, King Solomon sometimes became despondent. The wise ruler was replaced with antidepressants by a simple inscription on the ring given to him: “This too shall pass.”
3. Go to a psychologist. If the relationship lasted a long time, then you won’t be able to relieve stress with a piece of chocolate and washing the windows. Fortunately, your problem is not unique and is successfully solved by practicing psychologists. An individual course will help you recover from shock, believe in yourself and regain the joy of life.
4. A trip to the pet store. The intense desire to be needed and take care of someone may seem unbearable at first. Get yourself a pet! He will brighten up your temporary forced loneliness, will wait for you from work and look devotedly into your eyes. You will feel loved again.

Talk to his wife

This act can be looked at from two sides. On the one hand, calling your wife will most likely cause conflict between you and your lover, which will make it easier to separate. On the other hand, in this way you can completely destroy a man’s family, which will make his wife and children suffer.

talk to his wife

You don't even have to call your wife. You can, for example, send her screenshots of love correspondence or send her a couple of photographs together. If photographs are sent, it is better to hide the face to avoid further problems.

Usually in such situations, wives do not kick men out of the house - they begin to completely control them. This means that meetings with a married lover will become much less frequent and shorter.

But the woman will have more time to find a new man, which will allow her to forget the previous one, who has a wife and children.

How to get rid of sadness

Melancholy in this case is a natural state. It is very difficult to immediately switch your feelings, even if with your mind you understand that your decision is correct. You won’t be able to just take it and immediately forget it, because you were connected by feelings. But everything can be solved if you really set a goal.

The first thing you need to do is accept your emotions. Allow yourself to suffer. Live through the emotions that do not allow you to let go of the situation: anger, self-pity, disappointment, regret, etc.

You need to express them in words, shouting, actions or writing. Take a piece of paper and just write on it everything that comes to mind about this situation. Without censorship, without thoughts about literacy and reasonableness of words. No one will see this letter - burn it immediately after writing.

Realize what happened

A very important stage in separation is acceptance.

Feelings don't go away because of hope. Because of doubts. The desire to return everything to the way it was. So the first thing you need to clearly understand is that nothing will happen anymore and that’s right.

Close your eyes and remember in detail your last meeting. Words, events, the ending of your novel. What feelings did you experience? Why did this happen. If you were the initiator of the breakup, remember the reasons. For a woman to leave her lover, there must be good reasons.

Write down all the arguments for separation, all the disadvantages of this relationship, all the advantages of your separation. Eg:

• You will find a free man with whom you will have a future.
• You will no longer risk your marriage for a stranger.
• Your lover demanded too much from you, more than you are able to give him.
• In this relationship you felt uncomfortable, you had to constantly adjust the schedule, lie and get out.

Every time you have doubts and longing for the old days, remember all the arguments in favor of separation.

Breaking up is right!

Get rid of reminders

Fresh wounds are very easy to disturb, especially if some objects constantly remind you of the injury. Each story has its own triggers. Observe yourself and try to understand at what moments you remember the ended romance too clearly. And try to eliminate reminders:

• The phone beeps about a new message (change it in the settings).
• Joint photos.
• The gifts he gave you.
• A scarf that still smells like him.
• Song in the playlist.

Sometimes you have to constantly confront your ex-lover. If he lives next door or works in the same office. This is why it is not recommended to meet with colleagues - after breaking up it becomes very awkward.

There is only one way out - try to avoid meetings. Change your daily routine to avoid meeting your neighbor. Change your place of work or ask your manager to transfer you to another office. If he is a courier or delivery person at your office, just hide while he arrives. We waited for it to pass and moved on.

If it is difficult to cope with emotions, take a vacation and go to warm countries for a couple of weeks. After all, some time must pass before you forget your lover and return to normal life. And two weeks in an unusual country, with a lot of vivid impressions, without reminders of separation - this is what you need.