Lovely

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When we meet “our” person, we will recognize him out of a thousand - so says the myth about romantic love. Did Romeo and Juliet doubt each other? But in real life, we wonder whether we chose the right person, whether our feelings are real - this is normal and does not always mean that the partner is not suitable for us.

However, if there is too much uncertainty, it interferes with even the most sincere love. Thus, with obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder, a person constantly doubts his partner and tests the relationship in an attempt to gain one hundred percent confidence, but this only increases anxiety, writes clinical psychologist Tatyana Pavlova.

Although relationship OCD is a psychiatric diagnosis, mentally healthy people can also fall into the trap of obsessive uncertainty about their partner. Why do we doubt? And how to deal with this without ruining a worthwhile relationship?

Why do you have doubts in relationships?

A woman is pushed to heavy thoughts by a number of events occurring against the backdrop of her relationship with her partner:

About the problem

a serious test of strength at some point . Some of the unions fail, which leads to separation of people. At the same time, there are also examples where a couple repeatedly overcame difficulties and also maintained a romantic union.

Be that as it may, in any situation a person can be torn apart by contradictions and doubts about his own future. All people are different, and therefore react to events, actions or words differently.

But what is important is not the doubt itself, but what decision the person in the relationship will make, and also how correct it will be. This is influenced by many factors, mainly related to the partner and his behavior.

In the future, we will consider the option in which the person continues the relationship. The advantages and disadvantages of this choice will also be given.

What to do if a girl doubts feelings and relationships

When a guy loves, wants a family and children, he does not understand what to do if a girl doubts the relationship, although she makes every effort.

Psychologists recommend the following behavior model:

do not force events;
if questions about the nature of doubts are perceived with hostility by a friend, there is no need to repeat attempts: the girl reacts impulsively, since she herself does not know the answers, she only feels discomfort;
not to control her every step, not to carry out surveillance, in the hope of catching her beloved with another man;
support the girl by temporarily switching to the status of a friend, but meeting regularly, organizing trips to the cinema, theater, and walks, so as not to interrupt communication.

A man needs to solve the problem of his own unfulfilled hopes if the girl wants to finally break off the relationship.

When relationships change

Romantic films have done quite a lot of damage. Movies almost always show only the beginning of a relationship, when feelings are strongest and everything seems perfect. Both people are perfectly compatible and they spend the entire day looking into each other's eyes with goofy smiles. But the cameras don't record what happens later.

When you start dating someone new, sometimes you are so in love that you only see the good in them. You close off all the negativity that may arise. You are starting a relationship that will make you very happy for several months.

Important! So what's the problem? Do these feelings always end at some point? According to the latest research on love, this phase lasts from three months to a year.

After this, feelings change and true love appears. Although this is a normal progression of things, most of us panic when the initial feelings fade. Then you have doubts about your relationship. You may doubt your love or your partner's love.

If something like this has happened to you, don't worry: this is a normal development of love. It is important to focus on good communication and trust. It's also important to work on maintaining the passion for the long term. According to researchers, these are the three main components of lasting love.

The same thing can happen if life changes a lot. This is where two people need to act as a team if they want to keep their relationship healthy. In general, all relationships have their ups and downs. However, if the couple maintains balance, they will come out of this the strongest.

How to overcome doubts in relationships

A doubting girl is a person who cannot make a decision. This situation burdens not only the partner, but also herself. The faster it is determined, the less time and effort will be wasted. Signs of indecision in a relationship are a reason to seek advice from a psychologist.

Gain confidence

Doubts will not disappear if you keep them to yourself - that's what relationships are for. Try:

enter into an open dialogue with your partner, discuss your concerns;
enlist the support of a friend, but his promises must be voluntary, and not received out of pity;
work out ways out of this situation in pairs: plan your free time for relaxation together so that no one can interfere with you;
encourage your partner for his efforts in the fight against your complexes and help him in every possible way.

The main thing is to perceive life realistically and not fantasize negative events that give rise to doubts and uncertainty.

Clear your doubts

It is important to rethink your own reactions to what is happening:

do not accumulate bad thoughts in an incomprehensible situation (why he doesn’t answer the phone, why he agreed to a long business trip) - there is an explanation for everything;
analyze events that cause concern, how often they occur: if this is a system, then doubts are not groundless;
the reason to doubt is supported by facts, and not a figment of the imagination of anxious thoughts.

If your intuition is correct, to continue the relationship you need to accept all the unpleasant moments and not be upset anymore. Otherwise, separation is inevitable.

Think Positively

It is possible to stop destruction by your own thoughts through constant self-control.

Here are some exercises for auto-training:

If you feel insecure about your partner, record this moment.
Spend a few minutes doing breathing exercises - inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth.
Scroll the thought in your head several times without switching to other topics.

Regular training will help you avoid psychological stress caused by doubts. During this period, it is better not to consult with family and friends on exciting topics: people have different opinions, upon hearing which an insecure person will begin to doubt more than before.

Problem #1. Feelings have cooled

What exactly we feel for our partner depends not only on the strength of love, but also on the stage of the relationship.
At the beginning of falling in love, our levels of sex hormones, stress hormones and the neurotransmitter dopamine increase sharply, and serotonin, on the contrary, decreases - so we do not want to part with our lover even for a minute and constantly think about him. At the same time, the activity of the amygdala and hippocampus decreases, which interferes with critical perception. Then the activity of the logical part of the brain and the level of hormones and neurotransmitters are restored, and oxytocin and vasopressin come into play. If we translate from the language of neuroscience to the language of love, passion is replaced by affection. Now we notice our partner's shortcomings, worry less when he's not around, and pay attention to the attractiveness of other people. The thought arises: has love left the relationship? In fact, the best is just beginning: the body no longer reacts to its partner with increased cortisol and decreased serotonin, and love finally protects against stress rather than causing it. If you are in doubt because the feelings have become less intense, try:

Accept your partner's imperfect side.
Psychologist Joy Davidson explains that at first we idealize a lover - this is a kind of “honeymoon”. When it passes, we discover shortcomings and decide that the person is “wrong,” sometimes unreasonably. The realization that with no partner the “honeymoon” will last forever and no person will be perfect will allow you to build long and close relationships.
Focus on friendship. If passionate love - both the intensity of feelings and sexual activity - can subside over time, then time only strengthens companionate love. Connections based on friendship, comfort, and shared interests last longer and are more satisfying. Companionship and passion are not that far apart—attraction and attachment originate in the same parts of the brain, so stimulating one type of love also activates the other.

Is it worth continuing a relationship if there are doubts?

Breaking a long-term relationship is difficult, but sometimes you have to do it if a girl has doubts about the relationship. Before you slam the door forever, perform one last experiment:

Write a message to your man reflecting all the negative aspects that have been eating you up lately. Pretend that you sent it to the recipient. Think about whether it has become easier or whether you still want to leave.
Offer yourself a pause of a month to six months to make a final decision, and during this time do not load your head with thoughts of a breakup.

If you like your partner alone and in company, it is too early to leave him under the influence of emotions. Reformat the relationship from lovingly enthusiastic to meaningful and do not stop talking to each other so that blank spots of understatement do not appear between you.

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Problem #2. Partner is not perfect

If you've ever used Tinder, you know that you can swipe potential partners endlessly and every time it seems that the next one will definitely be “the one.” Even if you are not a fan of dating and have never used such services, this mindset still affects your relationship - because we live in an era of emotional capitalism and perceive love as an investment that needs to be managed well.

Scientists have found that expectations from marriage are higher than ever, as is dissatisfaction with it, and call this “all or nothing” thinking. It's no wonder that trying to find "the one" person causes anxiety - because we refuse other options, and the choice is still not ideal. Increasingly, we prefer not to make a choice at all - like the engineer from San Francisco who went on 150 dates on Tinder, trying to find “the one”, but never got beyond a couple of dates with any girl.

If you're not sure you've found the best option, try:

Give the relationship six months.
Stracey Wochner, a psychotherapist who treats people with obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder, suggests delaying the decision to end or stay in a relationship for six months—or at least one month if six seems too long. The more we doubt and try to gain confidence, the more confused we become in our feelings, says the psychotherapist. That’s why it’s worth giving yourself time to just meet the person and not think about the solution - as soon as you stop painfully searching for the answer, it will come on its own.
Create common goals.
It is believed that those who have similar habits and interests are happy in love, and their absence leads to the idea that the partner is not suitable for us. In fact, common values and goals are more important: religion and cultural traditions, the desire to raise happy children or save money for a house. “You can work together to set goals for one year, five years, or even 10 or 20 years,” says psychologist Stephanie Sarkis. “Working on something together strengthens your bond.”

Problem solving techniques

Depending on the circumstances under which the connection appeared and developed, one can assess its truth and necessity in the following ways:

If a young man singles out one girl from the whole company, then we can understand his real intentions not by words, but by actions, for which we often have to use feminine cunning. For example, ask him for help, a favor or a favor, tell him about a problem or pressing problem. Get a response - he doesn’t need you for PR, the status of an experienced conqueror, or as a sex tool;
Try to evaluate how close your supposedly loved one is to you, how quickly you find a common language and “common ground” with him. If the topic for conversation arises by itself, there are common hobbies, goals and interests, then drive doubts away. Otherwise, when the conversation begins with difficulty, quickly subsides, you feel stiffness and internal tension, give the guy a turn away, and go in search of a new contender;
Psychologists often recommend using this method of understanding your feelings towards a man. Break off contact with him for as long as you can stand it. Don’t write, don’t call or go to him, let yourself know whether you miss him or don’t even think about him. At the moment of your first meeting after a long separation, listen to your own feelings. If they are close to indifference, everything falls into place;
It also happens that a break leads to even greater confusion. Then an excellent option for understanding your feelings for a previously beloved guy would be a frank conversation with him. It is quite possible that he is tormented by similar doubts, and together you will be more likely to clarify the situation;
It also happens that a woman deliberately becomes a “mom” for a man, takes care of him in every possible way, dissolves in him, losing her personality. In this situation, remember that both the husband and the new partner need to contribute to the relationship, otherwise he will not make a reliable companion.