Aggression (anger, anger, rage) through the eyes of a psychoanalyst.
Although, probably, a more correct title for this article would be: “Anger, anger and fury. What is the difference?"
Often in ordinary life, people consider these words to be synonyms and do not see any significant difference between them, although there is, of course, a difference. And sometimes it turns out to be quite significant. In fact, the psychological meaning of anger and rage turns out to be almost the opposite.
Let's see why this is so:
Aggression is an integral part of human nature. It helps us adapt to the surrounding reality.
I think it’s not worth saying that without aggression, both an individual person and all of humanity as a whole would not have survived.
In general psychology, aggression is understood as behavior, a form of communication, “actions” that cause various harm to oneself or others.
Psychologists distinguish many types of aggression: verbal and nonverbal, indirect and direct, open and suppressed, passive and active, constructive and destructive. It is important to understand that approaching a person on the street and asking how long it is is also aggression, albeit constructive. We can receive hidden verbal aggression from her: “You need to have your own watch!” Or passive: Silence, ignoring or other behavior, a contemptuous look, for example. And all this will be a different form of aggression.
But, as we know, the motor for our behavior is feelings. The main feelings behind aggression and are its parts are anger, rage, rage and hatred.
Now let's look at the nature of these feelings and try to understand the difference.
At its core, anger is suppressed displaced anger (or rage). Anger can either boil inside a person, and then we can only observe coldness, detachment, ignoring, arrogance, contempt and disregard for others, or it can pour out in the form of abuse, screaming, breaking dishes, accusations and squabbles.
Anger releases mental tension and provides quick but temporary relief if expressed openly. If this does not happen, anger accumulates as a heavy load of resentment, develops into psychosomatics, deforms character, and remains in a depressed state.
The only thing that is important to note is that the emotions of anger and all other passive aggressive feelings lead nowhere, do not change anything in a person’s life, except that they worsen his health and quality of life.
Anger can be compared to an engine idling at high speed. The engine roars, but the car stands still. To make this metaphor more understandable, I will give a couple of examples. One from everyday life, and the other from clinical practice.
Example A.
A woman gets to work in the city on a crowded bus, swears at the work of public transport, and almost every day comes into conflict with other passengers. It almost comes to fights. She is filled with anger and splashes it over the edge every day. But he continues to ride the same bus every day. Nothing in life changes.
If she could allow herself to get really angry, she would be able to think about why she was putting herself in this situation and find a way out of it. Angry, she could start working better, move up the career ladder, buy herself a car, or cooperate with neighbors who commute into the city to work.
When aggression ceases to be passive, it helps us begin to think and act. But the question still remains: why anger? Why does this woman put herself in this situation every day? Let’s say she has an elderly mother sitting at home, who gets on her nerves, “forbids” her to arrange her personal life, demands and controls.
This, of course, is exhausting and causes anger, but it turns out to be impossible to be angry with her sick elderly mother, who is the central figure of her inner world. Then the anger is suppressed and shifted to another object (people on the bus), turning into righteous anger, which makes it possible to relieve excess tension and not change anything in your situation.
If this woman were not so emotionally dependent on her mother, who was more mature and had support within herself, she could allow herself to be angry with her. Anger could, for example, be expressed in one calmly spoken phrase: “I am looking after you as best I can, and I will build my personal life, and if this does not suit you, you can move to a nursing home.”
Anger in this situation is a more mature feeling, suggesting an internal readiness for action and change, aimed at protecting oneself. Perhaps, in this situation, things would not have come to a real separation, and the relationship would have had a chance to change, to let a third person into the house - a man.
Example B.
A 42-year-old woman came to therapy for an unfavorable family situation. And during psychotherapy, she was constantly late, often tried to forget to pay for the session, and could miss the session without warning.
This was her passive aggression towards me (as a father figure who sets the rules). She was not aware of this aggression. She sometimes found therapy completely useless, but as in the family situation, feeling dependent and helpless, she held on to it.
Over time, she was able to understand her anger, and most importantly, its reasons (envy and hatred of her father, the need for control), and gradually began to express her aggression towards me in words. This happened when unconscious trust became more stable.
Anger turned to anger. She was able to openly talk about how she was annoyed by the rules of therapy and was annoyed by my appearance (reminiscent of my father’s appearance). After that, her lateness and absences stopped. The therapeutic relationship became more open and trusting. It allowed her to see herself in a different light. Thanks to the open expression of feelings, family relationships began to gradually improve.
So. We have come to the point that when futile anger, which maintains a dependent position, turns into anger, as a readiness to act, the situation begins to change.
It is important to say that anger and hatred, paradoxically, lie at the basis of love.
If hatred does not lead to destruction, this strong emotional charge helps people understand each other and get closer, find common points of contact, and feel mutual penetration into each other’s emotional world.
It’s not for nothing that people say: “Former enemies can become best friends.”
Anger, if kept within acceptable limits, brings people together and changes the situation.
“I’m angry with you - that means I’m not indifferent to you.”
Anger, as a rule, implies an aspect of dissatisfaction with oneself, a willingness to change oneself. In essence, anger is a readiness for internal actions and decisions.
In the Soviet education system, anger was considered a bad feeling. She was not accepted. “You can’t be angry with your parents. If you are angry, we will not love you." This forced the child to endure, to suppress his anger, turning it into helpless anger, destroying himself, and latently spoiling all relationships.
A psychologically healthy child has the opportunity to say: “Mom, I hate you.” And receive a smile from your mother in response, and the words: “Yes, you’re angry with me for this and that...”
Anger is the feeling that promotes separation - psychological separation, which is necessary for the development of an independent mature personality.
One of the main tasks of psychoanalytic therapy is the integration of aggression in relation, the transformation of anger into anger.
Anger is accepted and tolerated by the analyst until the trust is formed to express one’s aggression towards him in words. This helps to understand the unconscious causes of anger and gain a new, more favorable experience of expressing aggression.
There is a rule in psychoanalysis: “All feelings should be expressed in words, and not reacted in actions.”
If the anger is reacted to in action (cutting off therapy: Why am I going to pay money, waste time being angry? Or get a divorce instead of making an effort to improve the relationship, being prepared for any outcome) then the anger becomes impossible to integrate into the relationship. This is approximately the same as releasing all the steam from a locomotive through a whistle, which this locomotive should begin to move.
In this article we must pay special attention to the affect of rage.
Rage is an extremely powerful feeling. Its psychological meaning is that the baby can remove obstacles in his path. The furious cry of a baby is difficult to bear; it forces the mother to change her behavior towards the child.
In essence, rage is a defense against feelings of despair and helplessness. The manifestation of rage leads to the satisfaction of vital needs (with rage we are always talking about the frustration of vital needs), and the rage weakens and turns into constructive anger.
If the obstacle turns out to be insurmountable, then the feeling of despair and powerlessness turns the aggressive impulse into passive, helpless anger.
It is important to note that in the course of psychotherapy we make the reverse path: from anger through rage to anger. In psychoanalysis, we call the manifestation of rage an “affective storm.”
The best thing we can do for a person is to endure it. As a rule, after rage, anger no longer seems so dangerous and can be integrated into the relationship.
Author of the article: Dmitry Basov
PSYCHOLOGIST MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
Lots of reasons to be angry
Everyone can probably name a few things that make them angry. An acquaintance who is always late, toys constantly scattered on the floor, a driver on the road who does not know how to drive according to the rules, call center employees who call with stupid offers... The list goes on and on, but all these things come down to two aspects: violation of expectations and blocking targets. We expect to be treated fairly and get angry when we are yelled at for no reason. If our goal is to grab a quick bite before running to catch the train, a long line at the cafeteria may cause some anger.
If others do not adhere to our social or personal norms, we become angry
Anger triggers are different for everyone and depend on age, gender, background and even culture. In one study, Tavris, Carol. Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Simon & Schuster. 1982 assessed anger in infants of different nationalities and found that Chinese infants tended to be calmer in all experimental situations. For example, in one experiment, scientists briefly pressed a cloth against a baby's face, and American babies tended to become nervous and push it away, while Chinese babies accepted the presence of something on their face without getting "angry" about it.
But while this research is interesting, it certainly doesn't mean that anger is built into a particular culture. It doesn't even mean that the child will necessarily grow up angry: other studies have shown that a one-year-old child with a tendency to tantrums can eventually turn into a completely gentle and calm five-year-old. However, each of these babies learns the triggers that are acceptable in their culture and how the culture deals with them.
Another interesting observation: Thomas, Sandra P., Carol Smucker and Patricia Droppleman. It hurts most around the heart: a phenomenological exploration of women's anger. Journal of Advanced Nursing. 1998 - Women's anger is more often caused by close relationships: they are more likely to feel disappointed with family members and friends or feel that these people expect too much from them without giving anything in return. A man is more likely to be angered by the behavior of strangers, objects that do not work properly, and larger social issues that raise concerns about right and wrong.
Men's anger is a little more abstract, women's anger seems to be mixed with emotional pain, and children's anger tends to be associated with blocked goals and objects (try taking a child's toy away!)
But these triggers alone are not enough to make us angry. There is actually a mental component by which we evaluate whether anger is a justified response. In just a split second, we figure out who is to blame, how dangerous the trigger is, whether the action could have been avoided, and whether anger would even be useful in this situation. We also evaluate the intentions of the person behind the trigger based on the information we have. Thus, we may get angry at a driver who cuts us off and violates traffic rules. But if we find out that he did it because he's trying to get to the hospital in time for the birth of his first child, our fervor will probably subside.
The brain determines whether a trigger justifies our anger in less than a minute, but what happens to the body while the brain is busy making this assessment?
Anger management when we get defensive
This is also a common situation: there are times when we need to be alone. This happens when internal resources are depleted and a person needs a break to gather his strength again. Offers of care or help at such moments are not always welcome. Unconsciously defending ourselves from “invasion,” we push away loved ones.
What does it look like in life
For the past three months, Nina has been desperately working hard at work, hoping for a promotion. But for some reason, management chose another employee. Nina returns home. She feels exhausted and empty, and doesn’t quite understand what to do next.
Nina’s husband Sergei also comes home. He smiles and brings groceries into the kitchen, but Nina has neither the desire nor the strength to communicate with him. She silently begins to prepare dinner.
At this moment, Sergei tries to hug her playfully and Nina feels irritation flare up in her. She abruptly shakes off his hand and wants to say: “Don’t touch me! Better go peel the potatoes!”
Most likely, these words will offend Sergei with all the ensuing consequences for family relationships. In the morning, Nina will wake up with the sad thought that she is neither appreciated at work nor understood at home.
What to do
Again, understand that the anger that Nina experiences in response to the touch is secondary. It is not Sergei who causes her irritation: it is associated with a completely normal desire to be alone for some time.
And the smartest thing to do would be to say it out loud. For example, like this: “I don’t feel like talking right now, let me be alone.” Or in other words: “Sorry, you have nothing to do with it. I need to think a little, okay? When he lets go, I’ll tell you about it.”
Yes, in such cases it can be difficult to pull yourself together and formulate your feelings so as not to offend a loved one. If you notice that you cannot cope with anger and are pushing away loved ones whose help you still need, it is worth discussing this situation with a psychotherapist.
We cannot waste our lives suffering because we push away those we need so much.
Ilse Sand
Managing anger when someone disrupts our plans
In these situations we do not get what we want, and yet they do not fall into any of the other three categories. Here are some examples.
- It seems to you that someone is preventing you from achieving your goal (putting a spoke in your wheels).
- You don't get what you want (you feel disappointed).
- Others violate your boundaries by touching your things or dancing with your partner, clinging too closely to him. The latter provokes anger similar to the anger of animals when a stranger invades their territory.
What does it look like in life
Let's say your neighbor parks right in front of your garage. You can leave, but you will have to spend more time and effort on it than usual, and you’re already late! The first desire is to kick the offender’s car in the wheel, and when he gets out, tell him everything you think about him.
Taking out the anger seems like a good solution in this case. But, unfortunately, this will not lead to anything good. Most likely, you will hear from your neighbor something like: “I left the car for two minutes, and you threw a tantrum!” or “Who gave you the right to talk to me in that tone?!” As a result, you will have one more ill-wisher.
When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire. If you realize exactly what you want and convey it to your opponent instead of anger, you will achieve much better results in the long run.
Ilse Sand
How to release your aggression?
Healthy aggression: 5 ways to cope with anger
- Breathe The easiest and fastest way to calm down is to even out your breathing. ...
- Scream Screaming is a natural biological mechanism that allows you to throw out negative emotions and reduce tension. ...
- Allow yourself physical release. For example, hit a pillow.
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Allows you to control your own life
Anger helps us stand up for what is rightfully ours. We begin to get angry if someone encroaches on our well-being, and resist the invaders. Anger makes us feel not helpless, but in control of our lives.
People who are not afraid to experience and express anger are better able to realize their needs and control their destiny. But, of course, we are only talking about cases of aggression or threat towards them. If anger becomes the leading emotion, this is already a dangerous signal.
A Parable about Anger
There is a wonderful parable about an old man who sailed a boat against the current. He urgently needed to deliver an important cargo, he was in a hurry, rowing with all his might to meet the deadline. The old man was puffing, angry at the obstacles in his path, at the current, at the uncontrollable boat, at the weight of the load. Suddenly he saw a boat sailing towards him.
The old man was afraid that they would collide and began to curse the boat driver for not turning out of his way. Naturally, after some time the boats collided and the old man’s ship broke into pieces. Looking from the water into the same oncoming boat, he saw that it was empty, simply and freely floating with the flow, no one was steering it.
What is the essence of this parable? The fact is that we often direct aggression towards an “empty boat”. The slow cashier is just a girl who is working for the first day, it’s difficult for her, but she doesn’t give up. Most likely, in a week, it will work quickly and efficiently. The buyer in front of us, chatting on the phone, is deciding an important issue that cannot be delayed. He will now complete all the processes and will be pleased that he has completed several tasks. And you should be happy for him. And the driver climbs in front of your car because he is rushing home with medicine to his sick child.
Did all these people want to make you angry or ruin your mood? Most likely no. You are the one who is angry with them, and only you can control your mood and emotions. The next time before going to bed you remember the boor who was rude to you on the bus, think, is he now remembering you? No. So you shouldn’t waste yourself on an “empty boat”.
Improves work efficiency
Sometimes a moderate expression of anger is appropriate in the work process. This way you make it clear to partners and colleagues that certain problems are more important or require a quick solution.
Of course, no one likes employees and bosses who lose their temper over minor issues. But if the project stalls for a long time, and you continue to maintain blissful calm, then it’s as if you are telling others: “Everything is fine, no big deal.” No, it's not okay. And we need to show this to others in order for the matter to move forward.
Anger management when pride is hurt
Anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation is called narcissistic by psychologists. The majority’s reaction to it is predictable: people turn into children who push away the offender and shout to him: “You’re like that!” Those who are more restrained and rational have another desire - to try to explain themselves, to point out to their counterpart that he was mistaken in his criticism, to get him to change his mind.
Unfortunately, these tactics most often do not work. If you lose your temper, the matter will escalate into a conflict in which your offender is unlikely to admit that you are right. If you start explaining yourself, you will most likely be considered a bore and will hardly be listened to.
What does it look like in life
Let’s imagine a husband and father (well, let’s say Kolya), who returns home after a day of work, sees wallpaper painted by children, a tired wife Nastya, and in addition discovers a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. “You’ve been sitting at home all day, couldn’t you at least wash the dishes?!” - he flashes.
Nastya predictably boils in response. She wants to shout: “You can’t! Try to “stay at home” yourself, I’ll see how you cope with two children, run shopping with them, feed everyone, read a book with them, hang out the laundry!” In the heat of the moment, Nastya is ready to list to Kolya all the housework she does, but he doesn’t notice.
And, at first glance, Nastya is right. But if she gives vent to her indignation, this will only worsen the conflict.
What to do
Understand that anger in this case is a secondary feeling. Most likely, Nastya’s indignation hides not anger at her husband at all, but two other feelings.
Sadness
Sadness because a loved one sees Nastya not as she would like to look in his eyes. Not a wife who puts a lot of effort into creating a “reliable rear” for her husband and being a good mother for their common children, but a lazy person and a slob.
If this is the case, then the best solution is to voice your true emotion. Tell Kolya: “I’m very upset that you’re scolding me.” Most likely, he will answer: “And what do you think I’m wrong about?!” And only now comes the moment when Nastya makes sense to indulge in explanations, because Kolya has expressed his readiness to listen to her.
Fear
This feeling is also often hidden behind narcissistic anger. Nastya is worried: if Kolya really considers her a slob, what if he doesn’t want to live with her anymore? What if he starts looking for another woman?
If Nastya is really afraid of separation, she again needs to voice her feelings. For example, ask: “You say that... Does this mean you love me less?”
To this Kolya can answer: “I love you, but I’m so tired after work. I just want to come to a clean house where I’m greeted with dinner.” From an aggressor in Nastya’s eyes, Kolya will turn into what he is - a tired man who nevertheless loves her and the children. The fear will dissipate, and with it the anger will go away. And life’s problems can be solved without raising their voices at each other.
Holding your feelings in is not always helpful and can lead to other problems. However, it's good to know that you still have a choice in how you respond.
Ilse Sand
Physical Effects of Anger
Remember the cartoon "Puzzle"? When the character representing anger gets angry, steam comes out of his ears and he is red from head to toe. In real life, anger has much the same effect on our body. The reaction certainly varies from person to person, but some symptoms are common and include teeth grinding, clenching of fists, red or pale skin, tingling, numbness, sweating, muscle tension and changes in body temperature.
Anger also has special facial expressions - like other basic emotions, anger is easily read on our face:
The experience of anger may differ from person to person: women, for example, are more likely to describe anger as a sensation that slowly builds through the body, while men describe it as a raging fire, generally more active and faster. In any case, the sensations described are very similar to the fight or flight response - the body prepares to fight to survive the evil committed against you. Chemicals such as adrenaline and norepinephrine flow through the body.
At this moment, the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotions, goes crazy. The brain really wants to somehow respond to the irritating factor and its “reflections” on this matter; the time between reading the trigger and the response of the amygdala can be only a quarter of a second. At the same time, however, there is an increase in blood flow to the frontal lobe, especially the part above the left eye - this area controls reasoning and probably prevents us from simply throwing a vase across the room at an expensive TV in most cases. Typically, these areas cancel each other out quickly (the neurological response to anger lasts less than two seconds), which is why you see so much “count to 10 before reacting”
- it works because the brain has time to calm down.
Do animals get angry?
It's easy to imagine that animals get as angry as we do. The bull is “irritated” by the red rag (in fact, bulls are color blind), and he is ready to destroy everything around him. You accidentally step on a cat's tail, it hisses, arches its back and seems ready to kill the offender. Finally, dogs growl and bark at people passing behind the fence. However, anger requires a mental component that many scientists believe animals are not capable of. Anger and fear stimulate similar mechanisms in the body, and the animal's reaction is most likely associated with fear, the primary emotion. Anger, on the other hand, is considered a secondary emotion because in addition to everything else, we use our brains to assign blame.
If you are constantly overwhelmed by anger triggers, the lingering neurological response can begin to take a toll on your health. However, chronically angry people may not have a mechanism for “switching off.” For example, their body may not produce acetylcholine, a hormone that buffers the more severe effects of adrenaline. As a result, their nervous system is constantly turned on and under tension, which can ultimately lead to fatigue, a weakened heart, and hardening of the arteries. There is also a possibility of liver and kidney damage and increased cholesterol levels. Finally, anger can cause related mental problems such as depression or anxiety.
In one study of nearly 13,000 subjects, people with the highest levels of anger had twice the risk of coronary heart disease and three times the risk of heart attack compared to subjects with the lowest levels of anger.
Some scientists believe chronic anger may be even more dangerous than smoking and obesity as a contributing factor to early death.
To reduce some of these effects, it is enough to soften the anger triggers so that the person stops getting angry at every little thing. However, for others, it may require consciously working on expressing anger.
