Anger management: how to turn rage to your advantage

Danish writer and psychotherapist Ilse Sand, in her book “Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings,” sorted out the real origins of aggression and gave recommendations on how to channel seething emotions into productive channels instead of destructive ones.

Ilse Sand

Psychotherapist, author of the book “Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings.”

We all have moments when we get angry at other people. And it seems like there really is a reason for anger. Someone pushed you and didn't apologize. Someone was late for an important meeting, forcing a change in plans. Someone interferes with their endearments and stupid SMS when they are stuck at work! You give vent to seemingly objective indignation, reprimand the “offender” - and as a result you get a conflict, a spoiled mood, strained relationships with others and other delights of splashed out anger.

At such moments, many are consoled by the thought: “He started it first, I just answered.” But that's not true. It is extremely rare that anger is just anger. Much more often we get angry at other people through no fault of theirs—the reasons for the rage are hidden within ourselves. Anger is a typical secondary emotion that arises only as a response to other, deeper emotions that we experience in connection with the situation.

These emotions that become the trigger for rage are in most cases based on one of four reasons.

1. Someone, by word or deed, intentionally or accidentally hurt your pride, humiliated you, demonstrated your insignificance. This is one of the most common causes of anger. Vanity is a painful point for all humanity.
2. Someone is offering you attention, intimacy, care that you are not ready to accept right now. The irritation that arises is self-defense, it works almost automatically.
3. Someone is taking actions that are completely contrary to your values ​​and ideals.
4. Someone's actions disrupt your plans and make it difficult to achieve your goals.

If you determine which of these reasons caused the anger, it will be easier to deal with the anger. Let's take a closer look at these four groups.

Anger management when pride is hurt

Anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation is called narcissistic by psychologists. The majority’s reaction to it is predictable: people turn into children who push away the offender and shout to him: “You’re like that!” Those who are more restrained and rational have another desire - to try to explain themselves, to point out to their counterpart that he was mistaken in his criticism, to get him to change his mind.

Unfortunately, these tactics most often do not work. If you lose your temper, the matter will escalate into a conflict in which your offender is unlikely to admit that you are right. If you start explaining yourself, you will most likely be considered a bore and will hardly be listened to.

What does it look like in life

Let’s imagine a husband and father (well, let’s say Kolya), who returns home after a day of work, sees wallpaper painted by children, a tired wife Nastya, and in addition discovers a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. “You’ve been sitting at home all day, couldn’t you at least wash the dishes?!” - he flashes.

Nastya predictably boils in response. She wants to shout: “You can’t! Try to “stay at home” yourself, I’ll see how you cope with two children, run shopping with them, feed everyone, read a book with them, hang out the laundry!” In the heat of the moment, Nastya is ready to list to Kolya all the housework she does, but he doesn’t notice.

And, at first glance, Nastya is right. But if she gives vent to her indignation, this will only worsen the conflict.

What to do

Understand that anger in this case is a secondary feeling. Most likely, Nastya’s indignation hides not anger at her husband at all, but two other feelings.

Sadness

Sadness because a loved one sees Nastya not as she would like to look in his eyes. Not a wife who puts a lot of effort into creating a “reliable rear” for her husband and being a good mother for their common children, but a lazy person and a slob.

If this is the case, then the best solution is to voice your true emotion. Tell Kolya: “I’m very upset that you’re scolding me.” Most likely, he will answer: “And what do you think I’m wrong about?!” And only now comes the moment when Nastya makes sense to indulge in explanations, because Kolya has expressed his readiness to listen to her.

Fear

This feeling is also often hidden behind narcissistic anger. Nastya is worried: if Kolya really considers her a slob, what if he doesn’t want to live with her anymore? What if he starts looking for another woman?

If Nastya is really afraid of separation, she again needs to voice her feelings. For example, ask: “You say that... Does this mean you love me less?”

To this Kolya can answer: “I love you, but I’m so tired after work. I just want to come to a clean house where I’m greeted with dinner.” From an aggressor in Nastya’s eyes, Kolya will turn into what he is - a tired man who nevertheless loves her and the children. The fear will dissipate, and with it the anger will go away. And life’s problems can be solved without raising their voices at each other.

Holding your feelings in is not always helpful and can lead to other problems. However, it's good to know that you still have a choice in how you respond.

Ilse Sand

Watching from the window is embarrassing and painful. What to do if you are faced with a choice?

First, make a list: what ways in your picture of the world are there to express your civic position?

How to make a choice. Close your eyes and say one choice, for example: “I’m going for a walk around the city today,” and listen to your body: did it shrink or expand? Has it become warm? Got goosebumps? Is there heaviness? What words can describe your feelings? Remember them. Breathe.

Now say the second choice: “I stay at home and do this,” what happened to your body? What does it feel like? What words can you use to describe them?

Go through all the points and choose the most pleasant feeling. Where the body relaxes, expands, warmth is felt.

How to behave with inappropriate people: psychologists advise

Anger management when we get defensive

This is also a common situation: there are times when we need to be alone. This happens when internal resources are depleted and a person needs a break to gather his strength again. Offers of care or help at such moments are not always welcome. Unconsciously defending ourselves from “invasion,” we push away loved ones.

What does it look like in life

For the past three months, Nina has been desperately working hard at work, hoping for a promotion. But for some reason, management chose another employee. Nina returns home. She feels exhausted and empty, and doesn’t quite understand what to do next.

Nina’s husband Sergei also comes home. He smiles and brings groceries into the kitchen, but Nina has neither the desire nor the strength to communicate with him. She silently begins to prepare dinner.

At this moment, Sergei tries to hug her playfully and Nina feels irritation flare up in her. She abruptly shakes off his hand and wants to say: “Don’t touch me! Better go peel the potatoes!”

Most likely, these words will offend Sergei with all the ensuing consequences for family relationships. In the morning, Nina will wake up with the sad thought that she is neither appreciated at work nor understood at home.

What to do

Again, understand that the anger that Nina experiences in response to the touch is secondary. It is not Sergei who causes her irritation: it is associated with a completely normal desire to be alone for some time.

And the smartest thing to do would be to say it out loud. For example, like this: “I don’t feel like talking right now, let me be alone.” Or in other words: “Sorry, you have nothing to do with it. I need to think a little, okay? When he lets go, I’ll tell you about it.”

Yes, in such cases it can be difficult to pull yourself together and formulate your feelings so as not to offend a loved one. If you notice that you cannot cope with anger and are pushing away loved ones whose help you still need, it is worth discussing this situation with a psychotherapist.

We cannot waste our lives suffering because we push away those we need so much.

Ilse Sand

Don't try to drown out your feelings

It is normal to experience strong emotions and feelings, especially now. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Fear, anxiety, excitement, anger, anger, horror, disgust, shame? Pay attention to your body and sensations.

Acknowledge your feelings. Say things like, “I'm scared. I'm afraid". Then be more specific: “I’m afraid of getting hit in the head, I’m afraid of ending up in prison, I’m afraid of cockroaches and lack of toilet paper,” - it’s better to even write it down or find free ears.

Managing Anger When Someone Denies Our Values

We are all different, and it is not surprising that our habits, behavior, ideas about “right” and “wrong” differ. Sometimes the differences are so great that they cause anger.

What does it look like in life

Masha loves her job, but does not like her colleague Inna Pavlovna, who catches her in the corridor and begins to talk for a long, long time about what Masha is completely uninterested in: about the dacha, seedlings, grandson Kesha and chickenpox.

Sometimes Masha is ready to flare up: “Inna Pavlovna, why are you pestering me! I also have a lot of problems, I’m not dumping them on you! I value your personal space, so you will learn to value mine!”

But this is a destructive option: at the very least it will ruin the relationship. At the very least, Inna Pavlovna will remember that she is the chief accountant here, and this will not end well for Masha, who occupies a lower position.

What to do

Realize: Inna Pavlovna’s whole fault lies in the fact that she behaves in a way that Masha would never behave. And here there are two options.

Firstly, you can try to persuade the “offender” to change his behavior so that it no longer contradicts Masha’s life principles. This can be done by citing, for example, the abundance of work. “Sorry, Inna Pavlovna, I’m very, very busy right now, the report is on fire!” - and repeat this mantra at every meeting.

Secondly, you can think about your own principles and perhaps reconsider some of them. That's why Masha tries not to tell anyone about her problems? Maybe she is afraid to strain those around her? Or does he consider them petty and of no interest to anyone? But this is a manifestation of complexes! It may well be that her colleagues, if Masha learns to share her experiences with them, will be able to give practical advice. Allowing both others and yourself to talk about what “hurts” is a good solution.

If you place too high demands on yourself, you often get annoyed with those who allow themselves to relax.

Ilse Sand

However, if we are talking about values ​​and ideas, we will have to take a different approach. If, say, you care about the environment, you will probably get angry when you see someone polluting it. And in this case, your indignation will be justified. Standing up for your values ​​will make you feel much better. Well, in order to feel more confident, it makes sense to join an organization in which the value system is similar to yours.

What is anger

Anger is the body’s defensive reaction to danger, an irritant, infringement of boundaries, a violation of internal balance. It is common to all people. Each of us is familiar with anger.

Another question is when anger becomes a character trait and permeates a person’s entire life. Then the individual is always dissatisfied with everything and torments himself and those around him. This situation requires getting rid of chronic anger.

Anger is hormones. And sometimes behavior correction is not enough. So, hormonal levels can always be imbalanced when:

• alcohol abuse;
• passive or overly active lifestyle;
• malnutrition;
• health problems.

To identify and eliminate this cause, it is worth visiting several specialists (psychiatrist, endocrinologist, nutritionist, narcologist). In this article, we assume that your hormonal levels are normal, and we analyze the problem of anger from a psychological perspective.

Why is anger dangerous?

“As a rule, the villain himself suffers from the anger that is aimed at people,” - Ferdowsi.

• Anger destroys not only the individual’s relationship with society, but also the individual himself. This happens first. Both restraining negativity, silencing it, and regularly splashing it out on others have an equally detrimental effect.
• Anger attracts real illnesses (psychosomatics), destroys families, friendships, and work relationships.
• In some cases, anger turns into self-aggression and self-destructive behavior or other deviations.

Looking for a reason

“All anger comes from powerlessness,” Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

• The reason for anger is almost always the same - dissatisfaction. Think about what is bothering you currently. What you want but can't get.
• The second option is that anger masks fear, resentment, pain and personal uncertainty (the best defense is attack).
• Anger is a sign of weakness, instability, intrapersonal conflict, psychological trauma and problems.

Managing anger when someone disrupts our plans

In these situations we do not get what we want, and yet they do not fall into any of the other three categories. Here are some examples.

1. It seems to you that someone is preventing you from achieving your goal (putting a spoke in your wheels).
2. You don't get what you want (you feel disappointed).
3. Others violate your boundaries by touching your things or dancing with your partner, clinging too closely to him. The latter provokes anger similar to the anger of animals when a stranger invades their territory.

What does it look like in life

Let's say your neighbor parks right in front of your garage. You can leave, but you will have to spend more time and effort on it than usual, and you’re already late! The first desire is to kick the offender’s car in the wheel, and when he gets out, tell him everything you think about him.

Taking out the anger seems like a good solution in this case. But, unfortunately, this will not lead to anything good. Most likely, you will hear from your neighbor something like: “I left the car for two minutes, and you threw a tantrum!” or “Who gave you the right to talk to me in that tone?!” As a result, you will have one more ill-wisher.

When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire. If you realize exactly what you want and convey it to your opponent instead of anger, you will achieve much better results in the long run.

Ilse Sand

Letting out emotions

I’ll say right away that the word “calm down” does not work. Especially when it is said at the peak of emotions. Yes, you can calm down long and hard, suppress anger, but then something will be the last straw. And now before us is no longer just an angry person, but an enraged one. So, if you understand that emotions have accumulated, then they need to be brought out. How to do this without causing harm (mental and physical) to yourself and others?

PS The methods have been personally tested. Their essence is the same - to reduce the jumping level of hormones.

1. Hit the pillow.
2. Tear up the newspaper.
3. Scream. Not at someone, but into the emptiness of an endless field and forest. Release your anger.
4. Clench and unclench your fists.
5. Do push-ups, run, walk.
6. Take a deep breath and hold your breath.
7. Meditate, do auto-training, master self-regulation techniques.
8. Draw.
9. Dance.
10. Clean up your house.
11. Write your emotions, complaints, describe your condition. You can break a pen or pencil (from the force of pressure), but you must express all the pain on paper. It's good if the letter has an addressee. After this, burn the sheet.
12. Draw. Any strokes, lines. Create something completely chaotic on the sheet, cross it out. Don't control the pressure. Now look. This is your anger. This black (blue) shapeless (or shaped) spot is your anger. It sits in you. What is this lump of? Grievances? Emptiness? What can this be replaced with or filled in with?

Akin to the advice to calm down is the option of counting to 10. Of course, it helps some, but more often it gives time to accelerate before the flash. Taking a deep breath is a more effective idea. The brain will be saturated with oxygen, the balance of hormones will quickly change, and you will be able to take a sober look at the situation.

“I was choking with anger and hatred. I didn’t hate society—an abstraction invented by worthless sociologists—I hated the entire universe. I wanted to hurt her in revenge for the pain caused to me,” A. Murdoch.

We remove stress hormones. What to do to get rid of the “cloudy” condition?

The autonomic nervous system is divided into two sections: sympathetic and parasympathetic. In stressful situations, the sympathetic system is activated - the pupils, bronchi, kidneys, tracheas dilate, urine output decreases, and blood vessels constrict.

To restore, the parasympathetic system is activated - with abundant secretions of the lacrimal and salivary glands, the stomach secretes more juice. What should I do to help her?

• Drink water or tea , do not drink alcohol.
• Do not overload on sugar and fast carbohydrates; your body is already full of energy.
• Breathing exercises. You can try equal inhalation and exhalation, exhalation longer than inhalation, or a square (exhale, pause, inhale, pause - all in four counts).
• If there is no suspicion of a concussion, physical activity is most effective at burning off excess adrenaline . Our favorite method is the pool (at home we replace it with push-ups and a shower).

Be sure to maintain sleep - if you don’t get enough sleep, your anxiety will only get worse

TREATMENT OF AGGRESSION IS AVAILABLE AT BRANCHES:

Treatment of aggression (aggressive behavior) in the Primorsky region

Address: St. Petersburg , Primorsky district, st. Repisheva, 13

Treatment of aggression (aggressive behavior) in the Petrograd region

Address: St. Petersburg , Petrogradsky district, st. Lenina, 5

Treatment of aggression (aggressive behavior) in the Krasnogvardeysky district

Address: St. Petersburg , Krasnogvardeisky district, Novocherkassky pr., 33 building 3

Treatment of aggression (aggressive behavior) in Vsevolozhsk

Address: Vsevolozhsk , Oktyabrsky Prospekt, 96 A

Practices to alleviate psychological conditions

Some useful tips from the Tolerate Uncertainty blog and our past materials:

• Safe place. Imagine yourself in a place where you feel good and safe (real or any fantasy). Pay attention to the details, feel the feeling of security and comfort.
• Remember who you are. Remind yourself of who you are, what your successes and achievements are, who you love, where you want to go, what kind of breakfast you like. You are not a thin, defenseless cobweb in the hands of strangers, but a very specific person with your own history and your own “I”. You are important.
• Support. If you are standing, feel the floor with your feet; if you are sitting, feel the back of the chair, the seat. Concentrate on this feeling of support beneath you for a few minutes.
• What happens is like a story. Take the position of observer, storyteller, director. Remember what is happening and the details, imagining how you will write a book about it or make a film, tell your friends.
• Let out your rage. You can hit pillows, break cardboard boxes, break dishes, tear up pieces of paper.
• Cleaning the brain. When you feel an influx of disturbing thoughts, imagine that your brain is filled with garbage. Choose a tool (broom, vacuum cleaner, brush, robot vacuum cleaner), a method (for example, place yourself with a brush in the brain or attach a hose from a vacuum cleaner to the back of the head) and imagine how all the garbage is collected and the brain is cleansed. Dust, tangled threads, scraps of paper, candy wrappers - watch carefully how they disappear into the “mind sucker”. Thoughts come in the form of sounding words (your own or someone else’s) - imagine some kind of buzzing that also draws you there. After mental cleansing, look into your head and state the fact: “emptiness...”, “silence...”.

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Cost of treating aggression:

Drug treatment of aggression

Treatment of uncontrollable outbursts of anger with medications is highly effective only when the negative behavior is a symptom of concomitant diseases, such as infections. Only in acute stages can tranquilizers, antidepressants, and atypical antipsychotics be prescribed.

In most cases, help for aggression is provided without the use of potent drugs. Conversations and appointments with a psychiatrist are held, the purpose of which is to consolidate an adequate model of behavior and teach the patient to control anger.

Adrenaline and cortisol. The effects of stress can be confused with a concussion

Thanks to stress hormones, a person’s capabilities increase many times over in a situation of danger: adrenaline reduces the ability to feel pain - this is how nature helps living beings fight or escape even in the event of injury. Adrenaline increases strength and endurance, and mental abilities. You may shake - this is the body trying to deliver more oxygen to the muscles, the pupils will dilate.

Adrenaline triggers the release of glucose to give the body more energy. But if this energy is not involved in any way, then it can become bad - due to nausea, headaches, changes in vision, the post-adrenaline state can be confused with a concussion.

Keep in mind that you are under stress, but know that if you have any, even minor, head injury, you should consult a doctor.