How not to snap at your child. Learning to control yourself

Realizing that such behavior is unacceptable, many parents admit that they take it out on their children. Anger at the child. What to do? Your own aggression frightens and makes you feel guilty. After the mother yells at the baby, she often tries to appease him. He buys gifts and begins to lick himself. It is clear that such a scenario leads to a negative result. How not to snap at your child. Advice from teachers and psychologists will help you.

I scream at the child. What to do?

Screaming is always a sign of weakness and powerlessness. Such relationships disrupt the emotional climate in the home and lead to the child becoming afraid of adults and no longer trusting them.

An article prepared by our experts will help you understand the mechanisms of such behavior and teach you how not to lash out at your child.

Why can't you yell at children?

First of all, let's be clear:

Anger, screaming and even aggression are normal emotions that are common to all people. Suppressing any emotional manifestations is harmful to the human psyche and health in general.

When a person has a reason to be angry, it needs to be thrown out. Otherwise, consequences are inevitable, such as depression. However, emotions should be expressed correctly, without harming either adults or children. Screaming and aggression towards sons and daughters is not acceptable.

Why?

1. You will regret it and feel guilty.
2. A flash of anger, screaming and aggression change the microclimate in the family, not for the better.
3. You will have to forget about friendship and trust.
4. The child will stop trusting his parents and will not share his problems with them.
5. Over time, other negative consequences will appear - changes in the child’s psyche.

Important! The last point is especially worth noting. This is low self-esteem, the inability to build relationships with others, the appearance of manipulative character traits, tyranny, etc.

Rule three: Do not repeat, but act

This rule follows from the previous one. How parents would like their children to hear us the first time and immediately fulfill our requests. But usually you have to repeat it ten times, but things don’t get off the ground. How can you not start grumbling and then screaming?

In order to avoid the accumulation of irritation that inevitably occurs when repeating the same thing over and over again, arm yourself with a very effective rule “we don’t repeat, but act . This method is much more effective than shouting and moralizing.

Has your child scattered cubes and won’t clean them up? Calmly ask him to clean up the mess. Don't want to? Take your baby by the hand and start collecting them together. Do it with his hands. Don't let him get distracted by other things until you finish this.

And this is how it is necessary to act in all cases. Does the baby bite? Get it off your hands. Screaming? Leave him alone. You need to act immediately and always in the same way. If today you laugh when your hair is pulled, and tomorrow you scream, the child will not understand.

Maternal aggression. Psychologists' opinion

How to stop snapping at your child? Do you know what this phrase means? This is the “key” in the search engine. The phrase is most often found in search engines when it comes to raising children. And it makes you think. After all, it is recruited by mothers of children of different ages, hoping to find an answer and improve relationships in the family. But the fact that parents are looking for an answer is already good!

How not to scold a small child

Child psychologists believe:

Aggression that comes from a mother is much more dangerous than that from a father.

Any child perceives father's punishment more adequately. Of course, we are not talking about serious punishments, especially corporal ones. This is a topic for another discussion. We are talking about the usual reaction of parents to their children’s misdeeds. A father's anger is more natural and expected for a child. In addition, it is not typical for men to lash out at a child in the usual sense. They tend to express their opinions quickly and emotionally. Men's anger is specific and has a purposeful message.

How to stop being aggressive towards a child?

A woman, both for an adult man and for a child of any gender, is associated with tenderness, love, understanding and care. Ideally, her relationship with her children should be calm and friendly. And, most importantly, predictable.

Why anger management is important for parents

If you feel sad, you cry; if you feel happy, you smile. People do not think about the manifestations of emotions: they just do what happens by itself. When you feel angry, you shout. This is a natural reaction, but if you want your family to be happy, you will have to learn to manage your anger.

It is important that you should not just yell at your children, but not yell at all (at your husband, pets, etc.).

When you stop giving in to anger, you will normalize your relationship with your partner and your own well-being.

Many parents experience emotional burnout. It is characterized by breakdowns, touchiness, and irritability. Usually the child is not even the cause of your aggression. You just don’t sleep enough, you’re tired of everyday life, you can’t cope with household responsibilities, you can’t find time to relax. Young mothers forget that they must take care of themselves. Remember the rule that airplane passengers are always reminded: first you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself, and only then on the child. This applies to all areas of life. You cannot help anyone while you yourself are suffering. This is the main recommendation on how to start enjoying life and stop taking it out on others.

I often yell at my child. What to do? First, carefully read what is written next!

If a mother breaks down, screams or raises her hand to the child, for him it is a complete surprise, a disaster. Even if it happens often. It’s a surprise and a shock every time! A child cannot get used to his mother's anger. Over time, he becomes disappointed in his mother and believes that he was betrayed.

How not to get annoyed with your child? Read another paragraph and analyze your situation.

An important point is that women very often suppress their negative experiences, family troubles, problems with their spouse, etc. As a result, the negativity simply overwhelms them. Any little thing serves as an impetus for a breakdown. The child turns out to be the weakest link, unable to fight back.

Often children understand that they do not deserve punishment and this makes it even more painful for them.

Accept your anger and work with it

Many parents complain: “I yell and hit my one-year-old or three-year-old child, I can’t control myself, what should I do?”

This is where the negative emotion “anger” comes into play. While children are small, mother spends more time with them. She is very tired and has no energy for positive experiences. She knows and uses various calming techniques, but still complains that “At a certain moment I lose my temper, scream, and now I’ve already beaten him... What should I do?”

First, you need to understand that we often take out our anger on those we love. Especially on those who are weaker or silent. Emotions exist separately from our love. They originate in the brain. It is necessary to share them with feelings.

Take time to delve into yourself, notice when you begin to experience anger, clearly understand - is it needed now? Will it help improve the situation or, on the contrary, will it only worsen it?

It’s better when a child is not beaten for a broken cup, but quickly puts the pieces together, kisses, hugs, says “it happens” and happy go on with their business. Everyone's mood improves.

Kiss, hug him. This will not make him grow up to be a pampered person. On the contrary, having received enough warmth and affection in childhood, in adulthood a person will not look for a “nanny” for himself, but someone to whom he can give his care.

Overcoming childhood trauma

This is a complex and very lengthy process. Not everyone manages to walk this path and forgive their parents, especially their mother. Often a child traumatized in childhood carries his pain throughout his life.

Diseases that can result from childhood psychological trauma:

• Pathologies of the stomach and intestines.
• Eating disorders including bulimia and anorexia.
• Insomnia.
• Impaired functioning of the respiratory system.
• Vegetovascular dystonia.
• Neurological and mental problems, including nervous tics.

The goal of mom and dad is to give children a feeling of comfort, stability and peace. Without a sense of security, a person cannot be happy. How not to snap at children? This should always be learned, no matter how old your child is.

Rule four: Do not attribute your understanding of what is happening to children

It often seems to parents that their children are deliberately stubborn, mischievous and “irritate” them with their whims. Of course, this also happens. But still not always. Often, “tricks” begin not at all because of the innate cunning of the offspring and their ineradicable desire to make sure that life does not seem like honey to mom and dad.

Most often hidden behind whims

• fatigue,
• ill health,
• sincere misunderstanding of why it is necessary to do this,
• nature's desire to experience life through experience.

In all these cases, our transition to screaming is like a bolt from the blue for the child. Especially if we don't do it too often and he's not used to it. If such a sound accompaniment is normal for him, then screaming will not change anything at all.

How can a mother not snap at her children?

Personal development

There is a clear law in the world: you shout, they shout at you. A grown-up child will yell at his parents in the same way as they yelled at him in early childhood.

In addition to the problems listed above, the child will have:

• Apathy and isolation.
• Fears and anxiety.
• Deterioration of memory and concentration.
• Difficulties with communication, fear of public speaking, dating, etc.

All of the above qualities often remain for life. Therefore, it is more difficult for a person to realize himself in society, build a career and family relationships.

I’m lashing out at my 2-year-old child, what should I do – my mother asks on the forum. And in response he hears: I have the same problem! Many young mothers write about this.

Social development

Children who often hear screaming at home always live in constant tension. They cannot trust people and are often unable to love. They close themselves off because they always expect trickery and betrayal from others. When creating a family, the same pattern of behavior that a person saw in his family is modeled.

Child-parent relationships

It is impossible to build normal relationships when shouting. Teenagers avoid the anger of their parents and “digest” grievances and problems alone. They cannot share with mom and dad, because they do not consider them truly close people.

Why do adults use force?

The point is not in the behavior of the little person, but in the inability of an adult to get out of the situation with dignity.

Physical violence, even harmless pokes, slaps on the butt, slaps on the head, indicate one thing - mom or dad don’t know that they can behave differently, they don’t want or are unable to change their behavior.

Why do adults want to beat a child:

1. They came home from work tired, irritated, and their bored child bombarded them with questions: when will we read, when will we play? From explanations you quickly break into a scream.
2. They apply the principle “everyone was beaten in childhood, me too, and so will I.”
3. They want to show who dominates the family.
4. They believe that beating children is the most effective way to educate. This way the child will quickly understand what can be done and what cannot be done. He will grow up well-mannered and hardworking.
5. They take out the irritation accumulated during the day. You can't often hit an offender, but you can hit a little person.

Also, many women make shocking confessions like “I want to beat him because he reminds me of my departed husband.” And the baby is beaten because the mother is mentally ill.

Behind all these reasons there are problems in the adult’s head, which he is not able to immediately resolve, often without even realizing their existence. To clarify the situation, it is necessary to clearly understand that in any case you can do without physical violence against the baby.

There are calm, safe parenting methods.

If you want to know how to stop yelling at your child and spanking him, then first of all keep yourself busy with interesting things. You will become calmer, and the children will feel it themselves. Let it be gradual, but the result will be - the child will stop “bothering” (in your opinion), will find hobbies, will pull you into his business, and peace will reign in the family.

I snap at the child. What to do? Causes of parental anger

In order to get out of the situation competently, you should analyze the reasons for your breakdowns.

The most common is copying the behavior of your own mom and dad.

In this case, you are also a victim of parental misbehavior. But the vicious circle must be broken!

If you have started reading this article, then the first important step has already been taken.

The desire to prove your authority

Think about what motivates you? Maybe the desire to prove your parental authority at all costs?

Anger breakdown

We must learn to respond adequately to the whims of a child. Think, maybe the child is not to blame and it wasn’t he who brought you to a breakdown? Maybe there are other reasons - fatigue, your poor sleep lately, a previous illness, conflicts with your own parents or husband? There can be many such reasons. Children simply fall under the “hot” hand.

Child disobedience

The child often disobeys and plays pranks. This is also normal. You tried to talk to him and explain, but he continues. Common situation? How to learn not to snap at a child in this case?

The reason for your screaming is your psychological and pedagogical illiteracy, and not the child’s pranks.

Often, mom and dad want to get from their kids what they cannot give due to age or other reasons. Perhaps there are special children in your environment who can do everything, can do everything, and are distinguished by impeccable behavior? Or is it just in your imagination? Think about it.

Fatigue, stress, irritability, loss of control over your emotions

Why is this happening? Another reason for anger is your stress and eternal rush. Because of the pace of life, you lose control of yourself.

Overprotection

Constant control and overprotection inevitably lead to scandals and screams. Get rid of the spirit of control and manipulation. How not to snap at a 6 year old child? At this time, children become schoolchildren, they begin to demand more and more from them. Maybe we should slow down a little?

Child's failure to meet parent's expectations

It is a harmful practice to take it out on children because they do not live up to your imagined ideal.

Model of behavior from childhood

You may have a behavior model imposed on you, where screaming is the main argument. Forget about her!

Ignoring the age characteristics of children

You cannot demand from a child actions characteristic of older children. Be smart about these issues. Do not practice excessive pedantry!

Fast pace of life

There is a lot to accomplish in a day. How can you not lose your temper here? Try to reconsider your daily routine. Maybe there are a lot of unnecessary points in it?

Afterword

Yelling is a form of emotional abuse. It does not pass without a trace for the unborn child. By shouting, you create a loser scenario in your child, lower his self-esteem, and undermine his trust in the world.

And if you give up screaming, you will notice how children will begin to trust you, feel safe, and begin to open up. They will see you as an authority, an experienced adult who is in control of himself and the situation. Children will learn to solve their problems and respond adequately to contradictions. Think about what kind of future you want to give your children. They will definitely copy your behavior and reactions.

In conclusion, we recommend that you read our article “How not to yell at a child - advice from a psychologist.”

How to stop taking it out on your child?

If you want to correct the situation and rebuild, it is quite possible. It won't be difficult. Hopeless children can be dealt with with explanations and gentle punishments. Below are some tips on how to stop yelling. Then you won’t have to wonder how not to be angry with your child.

First of all: think about the consequences

Do you want your beloved baby to be unhappy? Growing up with a lot of complexes due to injuries? Hardly. Therefore, try not to break down and look for other ways to drain the negativity. How to do it? More on this later.

Understand your problems

Why do you lose your temper, show aggression, get irritated and shout? Find the reasons and work to eliminate them. How not to snap at your child? The psychologist's advice is aimed at you, not at the baby. You're having problems, so you're lashing out. If you feel irritated, distract yourself with something. Hold back, go to another room and let yourself “cool down.”

Restraining factor

This factor will be an analysis of the situation and the realization that you are simply looking for someone to take your problems out on.

Managing our emotions

Managing emotions involves understanding the causes of your stress and accumulated negativity. By understanding this and eliminating provoking factors, you will learn to restrain yourself in your relationships with children.

Don’t hit, advises Dr. Komarovsky

He himself admitted that at least once, his children received a “soft spot.” Sometimes this is the only quick way to stop a little person from taking the wrong step. The main thing here is not to cause pain, but rather to stun the child, to protect him from, for example, throwing himself onto the road or hitting his mother.

To parents’ requests to help them, to teach them how to stop beating their children for disobedience, Komarovsky answers briefly: “Don’t touch them with your finger. Under no circumstances. Only in emergency cases, but it won’t hurt.”

So, put yourself in the place of a little person, look at the world through his eyes.
If you don’t succeed right away, try again and again until you can completely refuse physical punishment. 1 thousand 5.0 Rate this article Published: 01/13/2021

Relaxation techniques for a tired mom

There are plenty of ways to adjust your nervous system. For example, you can:

• Take time for yourself. Go to the hairdresser or play sports.
• Meet with friends for intimate conversations.
• To walk outside.
• Get a full night's rest, trying to go to bed on time.
• Communicate more live and with virtual acquaintances.
• Listen to music, draw, embroider, etc.

All this helps to switch gears and stabilize your mood.

How to stop yelling at your child. Advice from psychologists

5 ways to control anger:

1. Analysis of conflict situations. When does your child's behavior lead to your aggression?
2. The ability to tell yourself “stop” when you want to scream.
3. Why did you shout? Did your child behave badly or did someone offend you?
4. The motivation for holding back a scream is the consequences that will not keep you waiting. You will be able to throw out the negativity, but the problems will not be solved.
5. Any problems are easier to solve without aggression and screaming. What is said calmly comes through faster and better.

When is it necessary to visit a psychologist?

When you can't handle the situation. You cannot control your anger and aggression.

Rule Six: Understand the Consequences of Yelling

Surprisingly, many of us sincerely believe that even if parents scream regularly, their children will grow up calm and quiet.

In fact, two options are possible:

• Most often, “loud” parents raise equally “loud” children.
• Sometimes, as a result of such upbringing, children become downtrodden and always afraid.

Well, dear parents? Which option do we prefer?

Spoiled relationships, a disfigured childhood, the collapse of a friendly family, internal breakdown, severe complexes - all these words may seem too strong, but psychologists are convinced that they absolutely correctly describe the consequences of parental screaming.

How to behave during a breakdown

There are several tricks that work.

Isolate the child

Find an interesting activity for your child and switch it up. Let him play in his room.

Isolate yourself from your child

Find something to do in your own room. DO NOT digest the situation, but distract yourself and do something useful.

Apply psychological techniques

There are many techniques. You can use breathing exercises, listen to music, or find your own good way to calm down.

Talk to someone

A conversation with a friend or any loved one or even a stranger is a good distraction.

Take care of your mental balance

You are tired during the day. I would like to say: “leave me alone, let me rest.” Better do the following.

While you cook dinner or wash the dishes, play calm games with your baby, such as words. Or give him a piece of paper, pencils, and let him draw his mother, sitting next to him at the kitchen table.

Did you turn on the TV and lie down on the sofa? Draw with your baby. Play with dolls, construction sets, cars. Little is needed from you - just help, you can lie down. 20-30 minutes of quiet activities, and a satisfied child will go about his business, and you will have a little rest.

Come up with little joys for yourself. Understand what you enjoy. Maybe it's a big teddy bear to hug, or a walk in the park in the rain. Museum, dancing, fishing, flowers - make your list and treat yourself from time to time.

This will make everyone feel good, but the question of how to restrain yourself so as not to hit the child will leave you. Calm parents mean calm children.

How to behave after a breakdown

The main thing is to get out of a conflict situation correctly. DO NOT focus on it!

Calm down yourself

If you continue to be nervous, nothing will work out. Find a way to calm down.

Calm the child down and apologize

The child also needs to be reassured. Caress and apologize to him. There is nothing shameful or inappropriate here. Learn to admit your mistakes.

Discuss the situation

After everyone has calmed down, it is imperative to arrange a “debriefing”. In a friendly and even humorous manner. Present the situation as comical. But at the same time indicate the reason why this happened. Show the child his behavior as it looks from an adult and admit his shortcomings. Make peace!

Continue to be a good enough mom.

This means: your anger is not a reason to be an “angry” mom. Your love is limitless. The child must be sure of this. After shouting, you should behave as before.

How to punish correctly

The punishment must be adequate and fair. If we are talking about pranks, you can simply not pay attention to the child for some time, ignoring him. Don't grab the belt!

How to punish correctly

The main rule is that the punishment must be fair.

If a child accidentally breaks or loses something, then there is nothing to punish him for. Only unacceptable actions that he committed intentionally are condemned. Don’t shout, don’t get angry at children, don’t humiliate them, and especially don’t use physical violence. Humane punishment options:

1. Method of natural consequences. Not so much a punishment as an instructive teaching technique. Within reasonable limits, do not interfere with the child doing what he is doing. Let him eat too much candy once and realize that it hurts his stomach. Such an experience is never forgotten.
2. Comment. It is important not to confuse them with reproaches. “Again, you slob, you scattered the construction set,” is a reproach and an insult. “When you throw the construction set around, I step on it and it hurts me a lot. You don’t want mom to get hurt, do you?” – this is a remark. The child must learn a lesson from it.
3. Time-out. Take your child to another room for a couple of minutes. You can designate a “punishment chair” where he can sit and think about his behavior.
4. Ignoring. If he is being naughty on purpose, ignore him.
5. Deprivation. It is important to negotiate the terms in advance. For example: “If you don’t clean your room, you won’t get sweets.” In this case, the deprivation must be proportionate. For a small offense, for example, an hour without toys. For a long time - a day without cartoons.
6. Point system. Suitable for older children. Record his good and bad deeds by adding or deducting points. If a child has accumulated a certain number of points, he should receive a reward.

Your punishments should seem proportionate, fair, and deserved to the child. Avoid cruelty and do not forget that in addition to the punishment system, you need a reward system.

Advice from psychologists

1. Always find time for your personal activities.
2. The priority is the child. Household chores can be put off if the baby needs mom's attention.
3. Don't be shy about warning other family members about your bad mood.
4. Be able to ask for forgiveness and admit mistakes.
5. Praise yourself. Under any circumstances.
6. If signs of depression, etc., appear, go to a specialist and do not let the situation take its course.
7. Always show love to your child. Whatever happens between you.

Rule two: Don't grumble

Big things start from small things. Screaming - from the habit of grumbling. Grumbling is an extremely unproductive form of behavior. We don’t like what and how children do, and we, not having the opportunity to rest, get distracted, relax, begin to “nag” them. Grumbling - dry brushwood. Sooner or later a spark will definitely hit him, and then it won’t be long before he screams.

We usually grumble about little things. Therefore, it is worth thinking about whether the scattered elements of a construction set or the prints of children's palms on a mirrored cabinet are really such a grief on the scale of Eternity? If you want to grumble irritably, console yourself with the fact that the children are growing up and everything will change soon. But will we become happier from this? After all, an empty house shining with cleanliness is not a symbol of happiness for most of us.

Say “I love you” more often.

This word is vital for any child. It calms him down and gives him a feeling of security. It unites you with invisible threads. Moreover, there is nothing more beautiful and purer than the love between mother and child. Our children are too defenseless in this world without our support and care. All the daily hustle and bustle is your choice. We create problems and worries for ourselves. And children cannot wait until a couple of hours are allocated for them. They love you around the clock and they need to know that this is not unrequited love.