When betrayal happens, the world falls apart. Why? For what? Something went wrong? And what to do next - break off the relationship or try to mend it? Psychologist with 35 years of experience, Janice Spring, wrote the book “Betrayal,” where she tells how to survive the crisis after betrayal, sort out your feelings and decide whether to save the relationship.
We chose an excerpt from the book about how men and women react differently to betrayal.
Gender differences and reactions to infidelity
As a rule, men and women evaluate their partner’s betrayal differently, which, in turn, gives different emotional overtones to their reactions.
It's important not to generalize too much—what's true for some people isn't true for others, but there is evidence that most people's responses are at least partially consistent with typical behavior for their gender. Understanding these biological and cultural programs, while variable and imprecise, should shed some light on your response to infidelity so that you may not feel so alone or abnormal. This will help your partner understand your feelings better. In general, women are determined to restore and maintain relationships; men - finish and look for a new partner. Women are more likely to become depressed and blame themselves; men are more likely to get angry and attack others, including in the imagination. Women are more likely to attribute infidelity to their overall unworthiness; men - their sexual inadequacy. Women tend to exaggerate the significance of infidelity and spend more time healing; men are able to separate themselves from the pain and move on.
The phenomenon of pathological deception
Sometimes the habit of confusing others with false information takes over a person so much that he himself believes that he is telling the truth. Such individuals do not even realize how strongly dependent they are. Pathological lies become a real obstacle to a full life in society. People around them are not inclined to take lovers of writing seriously. The circle of contacts of these individuals narrows, and they turn into outcasts. In addition, such people sacredly believe in the truth of their words. Therefore, when others accuse a liar of deception, he may be sincerely offended and begin to make excuses.
How to recognize a lover of lies? The next section of the article talks about the obvious signs that are characteristic of abnormal behavior of this kind.
Difference #1: Women try to save relationships; the men turn around and leave
Women: “Perhaps we can overcome this.” Men: “Don’t even think about coming back.”
If the injured partner is a woman, she is likely to try to save the relationship, in part because she has been culturally taught to please others and not pay attention to her own needs.
A man tends to tear away his losses and look for a replacement - someone who will give him the love and attention that he believes he deserves. Women tend to suppress themselves or hide from their feelings when they are emotionally abused. Under pressure to “maintain at least the appearance of harmony in the family,” they often drown out the true self and the inner voice that screams: “I need something more.”
Society conveys to us that a woman’s task—and the measure of her self-esteem—is to maintain connections with others. One excellent study asked eight-year-old girls how they felt when boys bullied them. The girls were aware of their anger and expressed it openly; but already at the age of about twelve years old the same girls answered the same question: “I don’t know.” This study clearly shows that many women, as they get older, stop trusting their feelings when they are treated badly. If you, as a woman, can't admit the extent to which your partner's infidelity has hurt you, if you stop speaking directly and confidently about your negative feelings in order to stay together, if you're afraid of blowing the whistle, then you've been done well. .
Another reason why women tend to stay in broken relationships is because they believe in the daunting alternative of being alone. After the publication of the famous 1986 study of marriage by Harvard and Yale scientists Bennett, Bloom and Craig, women panicked over the identified shortage of bachelors. Although Susan Faludi pointed out the skewed data in 1991, the study was still a near death knell for spinsters, as women believed that after the age of forty their chances of getting married were close to zero.
Financially, women in divorce suffer more than men, partly because they are more concerned with raising young children and partly because ex-spouses are more likely to pay car bills than alimony. Although the gender wage gap is closing, women are still more likely to earn less in similar positions—77 cents on a man's dollar. For these practical reasons alone, many women seek to save their marriage.
Men are more confident that they will find a replacement, and therefore are less inclined to return a partner who has been on a spree. Because men are less likely to define themselves through successful relationships, they often believe that they have little to lose if they leave their partner. Women tend to suppress themselves and stay, men tend to run away. They deal with their trauma by eliminating the source of pain.
Signs
A mythomaniac is not only a born liar, but also a sophisticated manipulator. Being in the company of a pathological liar is unpleasant, and sometimes even dangerous. At the same time, it is often very difficult to convict him of deception. The only thing that can force him to admit to lying is fear for his own life or well-being.
Symptoms of pathological lying can be obvious and hidden. Identifying the latter is not easy even for a specialist.
Pathological liars love to create an atmosphere of comfort around themselves. Only under such conditions do they feel relaxed and can set themselves up for an impeccably perfect lie. In a comfortable environment, their fantasies are embodied in stories with redoubled force and “crazy” conviction.
A person prone to pathological lies reveals himself better in interactions with people who sympathize with him or are under his influence (in particular, representatives of the opposite gender). It is easier to establish interaction with these people and make them believe in any invented story.
Pathological liars are excellent speakers and excellent communicators. The main skills they use in any circumstances are lying and exaggeration. However, sometimes their stories seem like complete nonsense. Therefore, if a friend’s words constantly cause great surprise, he is probably a mythomaniac.
Among the key signs of pathological lying are the desire for increased attention and excessive self-love. Often the inventions of chronic liars resemble children's whims that arise when kids want to attract parental attention.
Pathological liars have low self-esteem. A person feels weak and may often suffer from personality disorders, depressive moods and bipolar disorders. All this gives rise to lies, which become the constant companion of the mythomaniac. By such actions he creates for himself a new, more acceptable reality. Lies and false beliefs instill confidence in the mythomaniac.
Some chronic liars only get satisfaction when listeners admire their words and are genuinely surprised. If a liar forces those around him to believe in his tales, then this fills him with special pride and confidence. And, conversely, if his fiction is easily “seen through,” then the mythomaniac’s self-esteem will suffer.
The habit of lying and making people believe lies forces pathological liars to adapt to their environment and learn to feel them, notice and analyze their emotions during interaction. Therefore, professional liars are often good psychologists.
Ordinary people, when they tell a lie, try to avoid eye contact with the listener, therefore, as a rule, they lower their gaze or hide their eyes. Mythomaniacs are structured differently - they fundamentally try to catch the gaze of their interlocutor in order to look him straight in the eyes. This makes it easier for them to convince listeners and inspire trust. The pathological deceiver is able to look his opponent in the eyes throughout the entire verbal interaction without looking away. Although it is considered normal to look away periodically during a conversation.
As a rule, mythomaniacs are given away by a fake smile. When the interlocutor smiles sincerely, his entire facial expression changes, while for liars only the area near the mouth changes.
Mitomania, as a rule, begins during childhood. At first, kids use innocent excuses, for example, because of a fight with a peer or a broken toy. During school time, children tend to tell lies more often due to poor grades and unsatisfactory behavior.
Pathological lies in children are expressed in their use solely for selfish purposes. For example, they shift the blame onto others in order to avoid parental punishment, and often lie by saying that they did their homework so they could go for a walk.
Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry.
Women: “I failed the most important relationship in my life.” Men: “If I meet my wife’s lover, I will kill him.”
A common female reaction to infidelity is self-deprecation. Men tend to be angry and attack those who have hurt them, at least in their fantasies.
According to a recent Mayo Clinic study, women are twice as likely to develop clinical depression as men. One reason for this trend is women's tendency to turn criticism inward on themselves rather than outward on others.
The second reason is that women more often define themselves through relationships with other people and associate their worth with whether they are loved or not. When a relationship breaks down or fails, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she doesn't just lose her partner, she loses herself.
A man, on the contrary, would rather direct his rage at his wife or her lover than at himself. Aggressive men are more likely to have to restrain their violence, but even passive, introspective men sometimes find themselves fantasizing about attacking the “enemy.” Either way, anger gives you back power and control by driving away anxious feelings like shame or self-doubt. Some of you will want to see your partner as a victim who has fallen under the influence of a tempting lover. This way, you avoid the painful possibility that your partner made the decision to have an affair because he was disappointed in you.
Is this phenomenon considered a mental disorder?
The tendency to tell lies can be both a personal characteristic and a sign of illness. Pathological lying in psychiatry is indicated as a manifestation of schizophrenic disorder. Patients with a similar diagnosis are haunted by visions and delusions. As a result, they present fictitious information as truth.
Sometimes a person behaves too emotionally. Such individuals show feelings very violently: they cry loudly, laugh. These are patients with hysterical neurosis. They are also characterized by the desire to constantly lie in order to attract the attention of loved ones and acquaintances. Pathological lying is combined with the diagnosis of hypochondria. Such individuals regularly visit doctors, trying to convince them that they are sick, and they themselves believe it. However, tests indicate no health problems. Others evaluate the complaints of an anxious hypochondriac as deception.
The desire to constantly lie is characteristic of individuals who cannot adapt to society. They often commit illegal actions: they steal, they cheat.
How to identify a disorder?
A conversation with a specialist allows you to diagnose and understand what the problem is. However, many deceivers are in no hurry to go to the doctor. They feel shame and embarrassment. And only the threat of family and friends to stop communicating gives a person an incentive to decide on this serious step. After all, no one wants to be lonely and rejected. A psychologist helps to identify the origins of pathological lying, the reasons that led to the emergence of this personality trait.
Having found out why and for what purposes people lie, you can explain to them how to find other ways to implement their plans and successfully communicate with others. There are no medications that cure deception. Only working on yourself is an effective method of eliminating the problem.
Difficulties that arise in the lives of writers
Society usually does not approve of a person who often lies. His workmates don't trust him. Friends refuse to communicate with this person. Such a person is removed from participation in solving responsible tasks. This phenomenon significantly complicates his authority in the team and minimizes the opportunity to make a career.
Acquaintances and relatives gradually distance themselves from the writer, because they do not want to become victims of another deception.
People of the opposite sex do not seek to create a family with him, because they constantly experience mistrust.
conclusions
For a person who constantly lies, life becomes incredibly difficult. His surroundings also face certain difficulties: family members, acquaintances, colleagues. The origins of this problem lie in childhood or later in life. People who suffer from self-doubt, are timid and fearful, tend to write regularly. This is how they try to become more authoritative, achieve respect, recognition, sympathy. Those who can be called demonstrative personalities also lie constantly. They expect increased attention to their person. Acquaintances or relatives who tell lies are usually treated reprehensibly. A person may believe that lying helps them cope with difficulties or avoid responsibility. However, this quality only causes mistrust and quarrels. As a result, the deceiver becomes lonely, deprived of prospects for career and personal development, and romantic relationships. Many people with this problem refuse to admit it. However, those who do this are able to objectively evaluate themselves and correct the situation. Pathological lying is not treated with medication, except in cases where this trait is combined with mental illness. Conversations with a psychotherapy specialist help a person cope with difficulties and realize himself in society.
Psychological characteristics of those who tell lies all the time
This trait is often found in people who have low self-esteem. They make up various stories to feel important in the eyes of others.
Pathological lying is a characteristic of individuals who have difficulty communicating. They cannot get rid of shyness and fearfulness. Such people find it difficult to make decisions. And writing is a great opportunity to gain authority in society.
Unfortunately, liars do not realize the trap they are setting themselves up for. The character trait quickly takes over the person, and he becomes a hostage to deception. This leads to unpleasant consequences.
