In recent years, topics related to violence have been increasingly raised by psychologists. This very concept is being revised; what was previously considered a relative norm is now perceived as something unacceptable. The saying “hitting means loving”, fortunately, now seems to us a terrible relic of the past. But violence is not only physical. In some cases, it is psychological violence and manipulation that can cause more harm, simply because it is more difficult to notice. Manipulators or psychological vampires are skilled at convincing their victims that violence is being done for their own good. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, when communicating with someone, at some subtle level you feel trapped, for some reason you do something that you not only don’t want, but also that causes you harm in some way? ? Have you ever felt guilty when interacting with someone? Were there people in your life who often made you upset or even cry? Has it ever happened that you even acquired chronic diseases as a result of such long-term communication? There may be many manifestations of an encounter with manipulators, but we still do not always realize what is the cause of our troubles. In this article we will talk about how to recognize psychological abuse and protect yourself from it.
Who is a manipulator in a relationship?
A manipulator is a person who seeks to gain control or power over another person through dishonest and unhealthy means.
Unlike a healthy relationship where there is reciprocity and cooperation, the manipulator tries to use, control and harass his partner.
He uses psychological pressure and deception
to change a person's behavior or attitudes or provoke a strong emotional reaction, draining his energy and undermining his well-being.
Manipulators twist your thoughts, actions and desires
into something that better suits their vision of the world, turning you into a person who serves their own goals.
You can learn to recognize the signs of manipulation so you can stop the behavior and protect yourself, your self-esteem, and your sanity.
What is manipulation?
Manipulation is a hidden psychological influence, the purpose of which is to take possession of the victim’s resources, and so that she gives these resources voluntarily.
What is important to know about manipulation:
- Manipulation is psychological violence; it cannot be for the good.
- The phrase “It will be better for you” is a lie. Only the manipulator benefits from manipulation.
- The manipulator does not have it written on his forehead that he is a manipulator. More often than not, this is a completely ordinary person.
- Excessive optimism and the attitude “this will definitely not happen to me” increase the chances of falling under its influence.
- Lack of material and financial resources does not guarantee protection from a manipulator. He may also be interested in emotional, intellectual, temporary, social and other resources.
- Long-term exposure to a manipulator destroys the psyche, reduces self-esteem and blurs personal boundaries. The further you go, the more difficult it is to escape. 95% of people want to learn how to protect themselves from manipulation, 88% want to manipulate, so they are not that rare.
What traits of yours allow you to be manipulated:
- Emotional dependence on a person;
- Inability to say no;
- Vague personal boundaries;
- External locus of control;
- Tendency to seek approval from others;
- Lack of self-confidence;
- Fear of negative emotions.
How to recognize a manipulator in a relationship
© Getty Images
Constantly lies
Before you ask him about any situation, he will be ready to lie to you.
If you catch him in a lie, he may express regret or embarrassment.
He is simply trying to lie to get rid of the original lie. His life is one big lie, just like his feelings for you.
Getting close too fast
A manipulator can easily skip several stages in a traditional dating scheme. Such a man can immediately begin to share his secrets and weaknesses.
In reality, this tactic is used to make you feel special so that you can more easily reveal your secrets. Later, a man will use your weaknesses against you.
For example:
- I feel like we can communicate on a very deep level. This has never happened to me before.
- I have never had my story shared like you have. We are destined to be together.
You meet on his territory
When you are on your own property, be it your own apartment or your favorite coffee shop, it gives you confidence and you feel comfortable.
If a man always insists that you be in his space, he may be trying to create a power imbalance in the relationship.
Since he is the owner of the house, this puts you at a disadvantage.
For example:
- Will you come to my office when you can? I'm too busy to come see you.
- You know how far I'll have to travel. Come see me tonight.
Lets you talk, but doesn't tell you much
This tactic is often used in business relationships, but it can also happen in personal relationships.
When a person wants to assert control, they may ask leading questions to get you to talk about your thoughts and concerns as early as possible.
By being aware of his hidden agenda, a man may later use your answers to influence your decisions.
For example:
- I've never heard of this man. What was your deal with him?
- So, will you tell me why you're mad at me again?
Misrepresents the facts
Manipulators are true professionals at distorting reality through lies or fabrications in order to confuse you.
They may exaggerate events to appear more vulnerable.
At the same time, they will downplay their role in the conflict in order to gain your sympathy.
For example:
- She screamed at me and reproached me for not helping her, but you know that’s not true?
- I tossed around all night and couldn’t sleep because we had a fight.
Says or does something and then denies it
Manipulators are usually sophisticated liars. They may insist that the incident did not happen when it did, or, conversely, convince you that they said or did something that did not actually happen.
This manipulation is used to make you doubt your own sanity or memory.
An example of manager manipulation
Life has shown that not only management manipulates its subordinates, but vice versa. In such cases, employees who have engaged in foul play want to gain preferential treatment to the detriment of their boss, their co-workers, and the job itself.
Psychologists call the most popular type of manipulation by a leader “a monkey on the neck.” Here the monkey is the subordinate. Here's how it happens. The employee says to his boss: “You gave me the task of finding a concrete mixer. I found them in several places (lists where). But I need to respect the chain of command; I can’t contact them myself. Could you say a few words of authority? I’ll give you the number of their leader.”
The boss, touched by respect, agrees: “Okay, dial it.” Usually in these situations, a single call is not enough: either there is no person in charge (decision maker), or the company offers counter conditions. “Okay, go, I’ll talk myself,” the patron softens.
The next day, the subordinate comes into the office again to ask in a pleading voice: “Well, have you agreed on the mixer?” The boss is busy and waves his hand in response: “Go to work, I’ll arrange it myself.” A few hours later the employee asks for the result again, and this continues throughout the day. It turns out that the boss and the specialist change places: the manager carries out the assignment, the employee controls his work.
Another similar manipulation of people at work is “I want to ask you for advice.” There are people who do not feed bread, let them consult with management. They manipulate the boss’s vanity, trying to delegate to him responsibility for completing the task and their decision. And it’s very reasonable. If a mistake is made, you can always blame it on the boss’s consultation and say: “I did what you decided.”
How to deal with a manipulative man
© Getty Images Signature
It may take some time before you realize that a man is manipulating you. These signs may not be as obvious and often appear as the relationship progresses.
If you feel like you're being manipulated, trust your instincts.
Know your rights
The first thing you need to do when you are dealing with a manipulator is to know your rights and admit that they are being violated. Remember that you have the right to defend yourself.
- You have the right to be treated with respect
- You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and desires
- You have the right to set your priorities
- You have the right to refuse without feeling guilty.
- You have the right to get what you paid for
- You have the right to have a different opinion from others
- You have the right to take care of yourself and protect yourself from physical, psychological or emotional threats.
- You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
These basic human rights represent your boundaries.
Don't blame yourself
Because the manipulator tries to exploit your weaknesses, you may feel inadequate or even blame yourself for something.
In this situation, it is important to remember that you are not the problem, you are simply being manipulated into giving up your power and rights.
Turn your attention to him
When you hear an unreasonable offer, try focusing on the manipulator by asking a few leading questions.
For example:
- Does this seem reasonable to you?
- Do you feel like what you want is fair?
- Do I have the right to vote?
- Are you asking me or are you insisting on it?
- And what will I get from this?
- Do you really expect me to...(unreasonable suggestion)?
With such questions, you put the manipulator in front of an imaginary mirror so that he can see the true nature of his tricks. If he has even a modicum of self-awareness, he will refuse the demand and back down.
A pathological manipulator will ignore questions and insist on his own. In this case, it is best to listen to the above advice.
Postpone reply
In the case of an unreasonable request, the manipulator often immediately expects an answer in order to increase pressure and control the situation.
At such times, consider using time to your advantage and moving away from his or her immediate influence.
You can say , "I'll think about it."
Take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the situation, consider a fairer arrangement, or simply say no.
Say “No” diplomatically but firmly
A diplomatic but confident refusal will help you put your foot down while maintaining a healthy relationship. Remember that you have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty.
Expert advice: how to understand that you are being manipulated?
Elena Zenkova is a certified psychologist, certified positive psychotherapist, trained by International Trainers of the Wiesbaden Academy of Positive Psychotherapy, member of the World Association for Positive and Transcultural Psychotherapy (WAPP), author of a psychological blog.
How to understand that you are being manipulated? Those who can quickly recognize manipulation can resist it more effectively. In this video, Elena will tell you how to understand that they are trying to manipulate you and how aggressive and affectionate manipulators behave. And also how to correctly distinguish manipulation from a regular request.
“Stay in touch, your help may be urgently needed”
This phrase reinforces the importance of the work task and blurs the understanding of work time and its boundary with personal life. Creating uncertainty for an employee is a powerful manipulative tool. Control over time and resources is almost entirely on the side of the boss, depriving the subordinate of independence. At the same time, the employee experiences anxiety, anger and tension - he can no longer manage even his personal time.
How to resist:
If the limbo is causing you tension and you have the strength to clarify this with your boss, you should say directly: “I want to clearly define my working hours and will not be available outside of it.” In a crisis, you can agree to increase the time interval in which you are ready to answer messages and calls and take on new tasks.
“I don’t see any problem”
The absence of constant control from the boss can produce positive results and develop competence and independence among employees. This phrase becomes manipulative when the problem really exists, but for some reason is not recognized and ignored. As a result, the employee, left alone with her, feels helpless, confused and insecure: “If only I see this problem, maybe the problem is in me?”
How to resist:
if resistance is caused by the word “problem” itself, you can bypass the moment of confrontation lexically - use phrases like “an important point needs to be discussed,” “I noticed a nuance in this problem,” “new introductions have appeared.” And focus on specific proposals for a solution, formulate them in the boss’s language and invite discussion.
Control levers
You can control people consciously and unconsciously. In the first case, the manipulator deliberately performs certain actions towards a person, fully understanding the goal he wants to achieve. Conscious people management is often used in business or business relationships.
An unconscious type of manipulation is usually found in interpersonal communication. This is the case when the manipulator does not really understand why he is manipulating and what result he can get from it.
There are two auxiliary tools: communication and behavior. In the first case, oratorical abilities are used, with the help of which you can convince not only a specific person, but also crowds of people. This type of influence is most often used by politicians.
The second type is behavioral. It involves influencing human consciousness through some actions, deeds or situations.
Potential victims
The easiest way to manage is someone who is a good person in society. Honest, kind, sympathetic people who are easy to put pressure on are at risk.
Characteristics of people who most often choose manipulators:
- Individuals who know how to empathize with the grief of others, and who also know how to share their joy with others. Having sensed these qualities in the victim, the manipulator is able to take control over him. He may ask for money or do some work for him, may set him up against specific people, etc.
- Conscientious and bashful people. You can ask them for anything. An example of this could be the phrase: “I have done so much for you, but you refuse to help me!”
- Helpful suckers. Such people often fawn over their superiors, trying to curry favor or please them. The boss can demand whatever he wants from such a subordinate.
- Indecisive and non-conflict people who avoid quarrels and showdowns. If the manipulator intimidates such a person by publicly disclosing something or sorting things out in public, he will definitely give up.
- People dependent on the opinions of others. For them, the statements of others are so important that they are almost a life guide. The manipulator will definitely take advantage of this.
- Victims. People who are accustomed to constant bullying, insults or humiliation will easily give in to a manipulator. He can either immediately achieve submission or promise his support and protection in exchange for something.
Even with minimal manifestations of some kind of manipulation, you must always be ready to fight back.
