Disappointment is freedom from the illusions of life. Reasons for disappointment.

Author of the material:

Inna Trofimova

writer, psychologist, gestalt therapist

A few years ago, the journal Science published research that revealed the biochemistry of disappointment. It turns out that it is accompanied by a complex and uncharacteristic double reaction for our brain. This discovery will help scientists find new drugs for depression, and help us understand that the state of disappointment is not as harmless as it seems at first glance.

In the article we talk about resources and possible dangers of disappointment, self-diagnosis techniques and exit strategies.

What is disappointment

Disappointment is a negative emotional state that is manifested by dissatisfaction and a tendency to worry about unfulfilled dreams, aspirations or hopes, as well as a collapse of faith in something or someone.
It occurs after a situation in which a person loses his “rose-colored glasses” and faces reality. It appears when a carefully planned or even idealized result turns out to be unattainable and at one moment all illusions collapse. We can say that disappointment is the other side of hope. Disenchantment is the logical, final stage of charm. If the first is accompanied by joyful euphoria, pleasure or an intoxicating state of consciousness, then the second is impossible without sadness, anger, and emptiness. Disappointment is considered one of the most complex emotional states when a person simultaneously experiences sadness, anger, and resentment. How energy-consuming it can be is shown by the epithets for the word “disappointment”: hopeless, painful, unbearable or even murderous.

A few facts to help you better understand disappointment:

• This is one of the configurations of frustration - a state in which a person realizes the impossibility of achieving what he wants and experiences anger, despair, and anxiety about this.
• Depending on the strength of emotions, it has a wide scale of gradations from “well, okay” to “a complete bummer!”
• If you immerse yourself in it for too long, it can become a personality trait.
• Looking frustrated is trying to be in charge. It is always a question of power and submission.
• This is not an innate, but a culturally learned egocentric emotion. More often used as a reproach or justification for one’s inaction. Less often - for decoration or to attract attention.
• It always contains the image of another “bad” person, therefore it divides and puts barriers between people.
• A disappointed person loses hope and support in life. Therefore, this condition is physically associated with problems with the spine, a feeling of heaviness in the head and arms. If regret accumulates over the years, it literally prevents you from taking a deep breath and leads to lung problems (tuberculosis, for example).

Five stages on the path from charm to maturity

Psychologists say that a person feels disappointed for as long as it takes to reorient the psyche and consciousness. Moreover, such experience is a mandatory step on the path to maturity.

How the completed process of disillusionment occurs:

First stage: charm.

When a person is CHARMED, it is as if he falls under the spell of: an idea, a hobby, another person, a profession, a new place of work. A very pleasant and necessary state, but also very short-lived.

Stage two: disappointment.

This is a process of disenchantment, when illusions collapse. The main symptoms of the second stage: loss of hope, indignation, attempts to drown out the pain with bad habits (alcoholism, drug addiction), denial. At this stage, people either “break down” or analyze the reasons for their condition. Sometimes they go to a psychotherapist for an answer.

Third stage: recovery.

Those who managed to pull themselves together and get out of a dangerous turn reach this stage. Recovery provides inspiration for creativity and frees up strength for new relationships.

Fourth stage: maturity.

During this period, a person is at the peak of his capabilities. He becomes the Master, not the Victim: he builds comfortable relationships with others, stops complaining, and feels gratitude for any opportunities.

Fifth stage: satisfaction.

This is the satisfaction of being able to pull yourself together and enter a new stage of life. This is the pleasure that an old problem has been solved and no longer bothers you. In general, people who reach this stage become kinder. Perhaps it comes from wisdom.

This is such an interesting transformation. But to pass it, you will have to work on yourself.

It is useless to revive your love if...

1. He constantly causes you irritation, which does not go away even in rare moments of normal communication.
2. You are constantly looking for a reason to leave home or go to bed early so that you can communicate with him as little as possible.
3. Living together does not bring you joy.
4. You have crossed the line beyond which harmless jokes have grown into offensive insults and rudeness.
5. There is a continuous black streak in your intimate life (both have no desire at all, rare violent intimacy does not change anything in the relationship as a whole, or this is the only thing that still unites you).
6. You are unable to calmly talk about a common problem.
7. You don't trust each other.
8. You are not interested in where your husband has been all day.
9. You no longer compromise and have become completely intolerant of each other's mistakes.
10. You feel great in his absence and sigh in disappointment when he returns home.
11. You are no longer afraid of losing him.

If you can check the “affirmative” box on all points, consider that your relationship has already ended a long time ago and is simply “rolling along by inertia.”

How to overcome disappointment with minimal losses

Unofficial statistics among psychotherapists show that disappointment in life is behind the majority of client requests. Of course, in most cases we are disappointed in love relationships. But not only. This state is often associated with career, loss of an old point of view, or getting rid of illusions. In some cases it is experienced as a difficult moment, in others – as a long psychological process.

Waiting for it to “go away on its own” is useless. But you can use a ready-made strategy and move on.

Feel all the painful emotions.

It is necessary to become aware of your emotional reaction, even if it is traumatic. If you don’t admit it, disappointment will become more and more powerful over time and can lead to depression.

Give yourself time to grieve.

To get rid of negativity, you need to live it “to the very bottom.” You shouldn’t blame, beat yourself up, or pretend that nothing is happening. It’s better to set aside a day or a week (depending on the strength of your emotions) and worry to your heart’s content.

Understand your expectations in a specific situation.

For example, disappointment in a person could occur due to inflated standards - for him or for himself. Or because of too active idealization of a partner.

Give yourself time to recover.

Think about what would be the best solution to the situation for you? What lessons can you learn from it? This way you will be able to understand that such a state is not the end, but only a period of life.

Switch to a resource activity.

It will be more useful if it is creativity. Anything, as long as it gives energy and leaves joy. Additional strength will be useful in order to return to your goals and move on.

Conclusions:

• Disappointment is an experience that comes after facing reality.
• It becomes a resourceful state in situations where you need to slow down, reconsider your views on life, get rid of illusions, gain spiritual experience, accumulate potential, find harmony and calm.
• It's part of life. You'll just have to come to terms with it.

Disappointment or loss of feelings?

Having thought in detail about the offending problem, a woman can decide whether it is worth maintaining a relationship with a man or whether there is no point in reviving a faded love. Painful recovery of feelings occurs in the following situations:

1. Constant irritation. A man who evokes negative emotions even in a calm state should be completely removed from life, since such relationships are unhealthy.
2. Attempts to escape. If being near a subject makes you want to go outside, go to bed early, or avoid talking in every possible way, then the person himself is causing irritation.
3. Rude jokes. The escalation of innocent, previously funny phrases into attempts to be rude and to hook someone “live” indicates a loss of respect and trust. Psychologists do not recommend resuscitating feelings.
4. Reluctance to have intimacy. Loving men and women should want each other, this is a normal development of events. If intimacy causes disgust, then this is a clear signal to end the relationship.
5. Lack of trust. Constantly checking phones, pockets, and things for foreign objects is a sign of mistrust. Rebuilding trust is difficult, but possible.
6. Scandalous discussion of problems. If attempts to talk, talk about business, or complain about the appearance of an obstacle lead to irritation, quarrels, and resentment, then it is recommended to break off the relationship.
7. The daily life of a man is not interesting. Loving women tend to be interested in their partner's past day, his mood, and health. When a man ceases to be attractive, it becomes difficult to recognize daily hassles.
8. Reluctance to compromise. Mutual concessions help keep the family strong; when both spouses begin to defend their position exclusively, the warmth of the relationship is lost.
9. There is no fear of losing. If numerous thoughts about separation do not cause fear, independent life seems much better, freedom from a man makes you want to fight, then there is no point in reviving feelings.
10. The mood deteriorates with the arrival of a man. This is a psychological problem that arises due to a number of negative factors.

Disappointments from past relationships. High expectations from relationships. Are all men assholes? Satya Das

It’s not easy to overcome disappointment in a man, but relying on the advice given by experienced psychologists, you can significantly reduce the negative consequences. Self-love, searching for compromise solutions, carefully thinking through problems and introducing the custom of discussing situations will lead to a stronger family.

Article updated: 05/10/2020

Disappointment in people

My mistake was

that I was expecting fruit

from a tree that can only bear flowers.

Honore Mirabeau

I plan to make this article long. For some, this will seem too tedious, as they expect to receive answers to their questions from the first lines; for others, the information will be complete and capacious. Personally, I have no intention of disappointing, but I have the intention of writing everything that I know about disappointment, and there’s no way I can squeeze that into a few lines.

A person has the right to be fascinated and disappointed - no one has taken away this right from him and no one will take it away. A person has the right to charm and disappoint - no one has taken away this right from him and no one will take it away. The only question that remains is: how to deal with this, how to act, how to live?

I remember a story told by a friend many years ago. She said that during a school break, together with other school classmates, they saw the teacher going to the toilet. For them, this was a great disappointment in the teacher and the collapse of the idea that the teacher is not ideal and goes to the toilet like that.

I am quite sure that every person goes through disappointment in people, in a loved one, in friends, in life. In this case, various kinds of feelings arise: anger, rage, bewilderment, despondency, hatred, resentment, contempt, regret, apathy, fear.

The roots of this feeling are not innate, but a culturally learned emotion, most often used as a reproach or justification for one’s own reluctance to do something. Disappointment is an object feeling, i.e., where I am, there is another object.

As a rule, the idea of ​​“another object” is imaginary, idealized, and superficial. In psychology there is a term CAUSAL ATTRIBUTION, which means that a person attributes qualities and properties that are not characteristic of another person due to the lack of complete information about him.

Would a person be disappointed in another person if he knew almost everything about him? No. Therefore, for completeness of information and ideas about another, we project (transfer) our expectations, our needs and desires, qualities, character traits and behavior onto a person. Then, when our idea of ​​a person begins to not coincide with the real qualities of another, then disappointment occurs. (Example with a teacher).

The most painful thing, as I think and know, is disappointment in love, since it is in love that a person is most inclined to idealize his partner. Like a twin of idealization, love addiction comes alongside.

Negative experiences in relationships often prompt a person to promise himself not to trust or trust anyone again, so as not to be disappointed. I believe that such promises cannot build harmonious relationships, since such relationships are built on mutual respect and trust.

Beautiful words? At one time, I also promised not to trust anyone, not to fall in love, but this idea was of no use. It was easier to let the situation take its course, while remaining more attentive to what was happening.

Overcoming disappointment in love is extremely difficult, as dreams, plans, and hopes for the future collapse. But who made these plans? Who endowed another person with character traits that were not characteristic of him? It turns out that the person himself suffers from the fact that he invented unnecessary things about another person and believed in something that does not exist.

- Yes, but this scoundrel betrayed me!!!

I have sad news: people have the right to be who they want to be and not live up to our expectations. The hook for morality (but he should be like that...) only aggravates the situation and binds him to resentment.

With morality, things are more complicated, since it is moral (correct, fair, honest) behavior that a person most expects from family and friends. This is why anger and resentment towards family and friends is the hardest to experience.

In disappointment in people, the situation is aggravated by the fact that in search of liberation from experiences, a person is inclined to blame the other (them). In the position - I am RIGHT, the other person automatically becomes GUILTY. Having such a position, it is impossible to change yourself, to look soberly at the situation, to notice real things. By real things, I mean that in relationships, on a subtle level, we are often treated the way we ourselves act towards other people, but often we don’t notice it (don’t realize it), or we don’t want to admit this fact.

Having found the reason in yourself, you can fall into blaming yourself - this also does not solve the situation. Changes the situation by making changes in oneself that would prevent the repetition of negative experiences. It also changes the situation of changing another through education, through expressing one’s feelings (without blaming), expressing one’s feelings.

- By your action, you caused me a lot of mental pain! If our relationship is important to you, please be careful in future what you say and how you act. Everything has a limit. Much can be understood, but I am not going to close my eyes to many things.

I believe that to remain silent about your disappointment, your pain, means internally agreeing with what is happening, means depriving a person of the opportunity to hear you and change. This is what I call education.

If a person does not notice your requests, if he continues to behave as before, there is a high probability that he will not change. Once is an accident. Two is a coincidence. Three is a pattern. Whether to stay in such a relationship or not is everyone’s business, but you need to clearly understand the responsibility for making any decision.

There is a category of people who tend to disappoint others. With their behavior, they seem to ingratiate themselves, confess their love, do sweet, pleasant things, and promise a lot. In their actions, other than sincerity, nothing can be noticed. As soon as a certain stage (period) of the relationship comes for them, they do everything possible to cause moral pain, resentment, and disappointment.

A case from practice comes to mind in which, finishing another session, the client said: “At the next meeting, I will tell you SO much about myself that your attitude towards me will change for the worse.” “Did you intentionally kill a child?” - No. “Then I don’t know why I could treat you worse.” I have no expectations for you, and I have no illusions about you. I perceive you as you are.

Her model of relationships with men was based on the principle of liking/rejecting. Yes, as a woman, she was pleasant and attractive, but despite her “intimidation”, she failed to disappoint me, since I was not fascinated by her and perceived her as she was, with a wide variety of behavior. Since my behavior did not fit into her script, she did not come to the next meetings, despite some agreements.

What's the use of disappointments?

Of course, after the disappointment you have experienced, you just need to move on. Moreover, overcoming disappointments makes life fuller and more authentic. After all, this experience really, as we said above, teaches us to accept life, teaches us to perceive not only its visible, superficial part, but also to see deeper, feel more subtly, and trust our instincts. Teaches you to forgive, and this makes life easier. And instead of denying the part of life that we don’t like, that doesn’t fit into our picture of the world, we accept this other side, and it turns out that these trials also help change everything for the better.

So, in order to avoid disappointments in the future, you need to handle these disappointments correctly - especially if they are repeated. We need to change our perception of the world and people, learn to appreciate them for who they are, despite their shortcomings. And this definitely ultimately helps us become happier.

Disappointment in yourself

In my practice, and not only that, I periodically encounter such a phenomenon as introjection. Its essence is that it seems to me that, for example, certain actions, actions, character traits, motives, attitudes, and behavior are expected of me. Then, in order not to disappoint the other person, I try to meet his supposed expectations of me. Not everything turns out as planned. When you fail to live up to fictitious expectations, then self-disappointment occurs.

The funniest and saddest thing in this situation is that the other person may not suspect anything about “my” intentions and disappointments in himself. Then, I can make decisions for another person that I am not suitable (do not meet expectations) for a relationship. The next step in this action could be ending or ending the relationship on my part.

Disappointment in oneself can come from excessive demands on oneself. The main reason why people overestimate their demands on themselves is their belief that they will be loved, accepted, accepted, noticed when they become, for example, famous, rich, successful, beautiful, etc.

Disappointment in people is an integral part of life, especially in young years. Through pain and resentment, anger and anger, love and intimacy, a person often comes to understand:

Be less critical;

don't expect much from some people -

and your disappointment will not be so strong.”

Jesus.

Or…

I do my thing and you do your thing. I don't live in this world to live up to your expectations. And you don't live in this world to live up to my expectations. You are you. And I am me. And if we happen to meet each other, that’s wonderful. And if not, it cannot be helped. (F. Perls, founder of Gestalt therapy. 1951)

The article was written on May 29, 2012

psychologist in Moscow Andrey Bukshuk

Solutions

1. Don’t rush to blame everyone and everything, look deep into yourself and the circumstances that happen to you and you will become less disappointed in people. Maybe they want to point out something to you, maybe it’s time to change something in your life.
2. Try to think about why this happens, and perhaps more than once. If circumstances are repeated time after time, then this is a reason to start with yourself, and not look for reasons outside.
3. If you want to speak up and want to change your circumstances for the better, then find someone who can listen to you, but at the same time give the right advice on what to do next, and not just someone who will console you and agree with your every dissatisfaction caused by disappointment in a particular person.
4. Don’t accumulate emotions within yourself - learn to express them correctly and cleanse yourself internally. Here are some ways to cleanse yourself of negativity and develop inner satisfaction:

• Cleansing with water - take a shower (preferably cool at the end) with your head, try to distract yourself from the circumstances pressing on you and just relax.
• Fresh air - go outside and try to walk in a quiet, pleasant place (it’s excellent to walk near a body of water: water and fresh air have a positive effect, calming - this is a time when you can calmly reflect on yourself and your life).
• Get rid of old unnecessary things and revise your home. Do the cleaning, and thus, by bringing cleanliness and comfort to the house, you put your thoughts in order.
• Get some exercise. Yoga classes - asanas - have a positive effect on balance for stability and balance of mind and body.
• Listen to music for relaxation.
• Find your own ways to be inspired and develop, don’t sit still - improve and you will see how your inner state will improve and disappointment in life will go away.

Remember what's inside is what's outside

If we are happy, then we pay attention to the positive around us, if we are unhappy, then we concentrate on the negative. So, appreciate what you have, rejoice in what is given to you from above and know how to correctly cope with the lessons that are given to you for personal development. Try not to get attached to results, otherwise disappointments will arise in your life again and again

Set goals, do everything that is required of you, but at the same time be prepared to accept any turn of events. By doing the right thing ourselves, we set an example for others. Starting with ourselves, we will change our environment. The main thing is to develop a full-fledged and harmonious personality, become self-sufficient and then you will not depend so much on the circumstances that put pressure on you, then there will be much less disappointment in life and people. Appreciate the present and believe in a wonderful future!

Important Steps on the Path to Healing

The feeling of disappointment is devastating and instills uncertainty. It leads to many negative consequences, from loss of trust to awareness of the meaninglessness of life as such.

A person feels depressed, helpless, abandoned, unnecessary. He loses hope and faith and becomes a pessimist.

The fact that a loved one turns out to be different is regarded as betrayal and deception.

You forgave, believed, hoped, but nothing changed - and finally, your eyes were opened. Remember four important things:

1. Firstly, disappointment in one person, even very strong and painful, cannot affect your entire life.

Fight your anger, resist the surging depression, but don’t let yourself be drowned.

Crying and worrying are allowed; for some, tears help to let go of the situation.

Chat with friends, look for new hobbies, dance, hit a punching bag - any means are good when you need a distraction.

2. Secondly, revenge is the worst way out of the situation. Pain for pain, an eye for an eye - this is all unproductive nonsense that will only worsen your internal conflict.

3. Third, disappointment can be useful and sobering. It gives a lesson in life psychology.

Next time, you will not blindly trust the first impression; you will be more careful in opening your heart. Or maybe you decide to get rid of illusions forever and learn to evaluate people realistically?

4. Fourthly, you most likely noticed for a long time that something was wrong with this person. You had doubts, suspicions, but you tried to ignore them.

There were a million prerequisites for his final bad act, which became a critical point. Therefore, this is also your fault.

This is normal, we prefer not to notice what is unpleasant to us. Like little children believing in Santa Claus, we hope for a miracle: maybe it just seemed like it?

But now you have to admit that the chosen one is far from ideal, has a hundred minuses and unacceptable qualities.

Getting sober is unpleasant, you'll get a bad hangover, and you don't have to fight it alone.

Lessons of happiness

Another piece of advice from experts is that you need to learn to filter your problems. If the cause of disappointment is a loved one, then the world changes dramatically. Amorous affairs influence us so strongly that they can spread from one area of ​​the heart, like a virus, to other areas of life.

When someone experiences disappointment in a person they love, they begin to subconsciously look for negativity where there was none before. They are not immediately satisfied with their financial situation, physical characteristics, career prospects, etc. Relationships deteriorate not only with your partner, but also with his friends and relatives.

Therefore, it is worth protecting love troubles from other directions. Instead, you should look for support where you are doing well. Sometimes it is a frank heart-to-heart conversation that frees the heart from pain.

How to live after being disappointed in a friend

The more hopes we place on friends and loved ones, the greater the disappointment when they are not met.

And this is the whole root of evil: like a young dreamer, you first look at the world through rose-colored glasses, and then abruptly pull them off - and everything around seems gray and dull.

Perhaps you expected too much from your partner or girlfriend, setting the bar high to achieve the mythical ideal of a relationship?

Disappointed in your loved one, realizing that he is far from a fairy-tale prince, you are ready to withdraw into yourself and break all ties.

Stop: are you in no hurry? Sometimes, when you shake off the glitter and sequins from your fictitious ideal image, you can find a completely normal person underneath.

With complexes and vices, with an army of cockroaches, nervous tics and bad habits - but his own, beloved and dear.

Think about the reasons for this feeling - are they so serious? Of course, if the guy turns out to be a maniac, an alcoholic and a fighter, you should end all relationships and forget about him as soon as possible.

But you will be surprised: some ladies are disappointed in their life partners because they express themselves illiterately, fold their underwear sloppily, or smell bad after the gym.

A frank conversation helps: explain to the person who caused you pain by his actions. What if he repents and is ready to become an ideal for the sake of your relationship?

If the disappointment is too great, the best thing you can do is forgive. Try to take this new experience as a life lesson.

Thank fate for making you stronger. And continue to believe in people - they know how to pleasantly surprise.

No one owes or owes you anything

Some people tend to overestimate their self-esteem and thus expect strangers to treat them differently. They say, I’m so wonderful, beautiful, you must love me. However, in this case, there is only one piece of advice - get down to earth as soon as possible and don’t have your head in the clouds

. There are plenty of people as beautiful and smart as you, so evaluate yourself soberly.

Low self-esteem has never benefited anyone, just as much as overly high self-esteem.

Thus, if you analyze your own actions and expectations, you will understand that you yourself are to blame for personal grievances and disappointments.