Everyone is responsible for their own destiny. How he uses his capabilities, how he copes with adversity, how life flows - all these factors are under the control of the person himself. We will describe here six possible behaviors and their corresponding lifestyles.
You probably know families in which brothers and sisters have very different personalities. And therefore they have very different destinies. This confirms that self-regulation plays a paramount role in how we deal with our lives. Society does not determine our destiny to such a high degree as some sages believe, and as is stated in many political ideologies. Everyone is responsible for their own destiny. How he uses his capabilities, how he copes with adversity, how life flows - all these factors are under the control of the person himself. Whether we can avoid pressure, break off fruitless relationships in a timely manner, and wisely use favorable opportunities - all this depends on ourselves. Even the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius (121-180) said: “Our life is what our thoughts turn it into.”
And the fate of our body also depends on our lifestyle, and to a much greater extent than a physician thinking from the point of view of natural science assumes. Each feeling is also a state of the body. Feelings of excitement or calm cause tension or relaxation. Instrumental measurements of the state of the body, subjective complaints show in which parts of the body the impact of feelings on the body is manifested.
The four senses of self: self-esteem, self-confidence, inner freedom and inner satisfaction are abnormally developed in many people. Two senses of self may, for example, be strong, while the other two may be too weak. For many people, a particular sense of self can even fall into a destructive vicious circle of overestimating or underestimating oneself.
Of all the possible modes of behavior, we will describe here only six characters and their corresponding styles of life, which manifest themselves in cases where two of the four senses of self predominate, and the other two are insufficient. At the same time, we will probably recognize ourselves and, of course, other people we know. We will know when we see: some want to be powerful, and others to be loved, some want to belong to the elite, and some to become popular, some need to pretend to be a celebrity at any cost, and some need communication, or at least presence during communication.
The four senses of self correspond to the perception of four colors:
- dark blue corresponds to satisfaction;
- bluish-green corresponds to self-esteem;
- orange-red corresponds to self-confidence;
- light yellow corresponds to inner freedom.
Through the perception of these precisely defined shades of color, one can gain insight into the essence of the mental state of all six styles of life. Therefore, every time the name of the described lifestyle contains two predominant colors.
Red-Green Lifestyle: Powerful
Anyone who needs protection from feelings of weakness and helplessness dreams of becoming strong and courageous in order to gain a sense of self-confidence.
And the one who is not in harmony with a sense of self-respect and experiences a feeling of inferiority, deceiving himself, also strives with arrogant arrogance to play the role of a powerful person.
Gaining self-confidence and earning respect - from these two impulses often arises the need to be powerful and dominate. Apparently, the will to power arises in a state of helplessness and impotence. The top-class boxer said that in his youth he was often beaten, and he decided to surpass his offenders. There are many cases where children from poor families, having experienced a feeling of being left out in their early years, went on to have successful careers: they became major industrialists, successful businessmen, and achieved outstanding results in sports or art.
The feeling of inferiority is often transferred to some external circumstance - small stature, physical defect, etc. And such a feeling can cause a desire for superiority and power over other people.
Family studies have shown: if the eldest son takes on the role of leader in relation to younger brothers and sisters, then in the future he will play the same role in any profession - director, teacher, priest, politician. And it happens like this... The eldest son experiences a state of imaginary rejection, loss and helplessness when another child appears in the family. It seems to him that he is bypassed by attention and parental love, that all this is given to the newborn. But in his role as helper and “reasonable older brother,” he regains his sense of self-worth.
The need for power, which displaces helplessness and self-doubt, is by no means unique to dictators. Power is exercised not only on the battlefield, but also in offices and bedrooms. Rapists, scolding hecklers, moralizing enthusiasts, debaters and all citizens with their index finger raised hope to achieve a favorable state through power. The thirst for power is common to many - politicians and leaders, small and large-scale businessmen, careerists and ambitious people who spend time at their desks.
Power is always manifested in relation to partners, therefore it is always associated with social responsibility and justice. The famous Basel historian Jacob Burckhardt (1818-1897) believed that power “in itself is not evil.” If responsibility and justice are absent, and especially if those in power violate these social values, then this is already an abuse of power. Powerful people who are alien to justice and responsibility are not leaders, but seducers who abuse their power. (Pun: in the German text Fuhrer is a leader, Ver - Fuhrer is a seducer, seducer. - editor's note).
A judge in court or in sports is recognized as an authoritative person if he strives for justice when making decisions. Only those who are willing to be fair and responsible have the right to wield power and give orders. If these principles are followed, then the teacher, the parents, the boss, the officer and the state can justifiably give orders.
The concept of “anti-authoritarianism” applies only to the abuse of power. Many people have lost the ethically necessary respect for fair and responsible public authorities. A competent person always acts reasonably and convincingly. A competent leader, elevated in position, certainly has power, he is authoritative, but not authoritarian.
Power can pursue two goals. One style of power is the preservation of established order and traditions. Such are the old aristocracy and the adherents of fundamental dogmatic instructions.
Another style of power is the desire to expand and improve life activities, to annex new territories, to penetrate new markets, to open and develop new areas of activity.
Local partnerships can also bear the imprint of both styles of power: the desire to subjugate a partner, or the desire to possess everything.
Power necessarily presents itself as signs of prestige. The small man in the street - with his car, the larger one - with his villa, and the most powerful - with something triumphant in the eyes of his descendants.
What a typical representative of power lacks is spiritual love. That's why no one really loves him. The successful boss was right when he said: “Although I am the one who brings money into the house, the only one who loves me is our dog.”
The theme of love will be discussed further when describing the “blue-yellow” lifestyle.
Blue-yellow lifestyle: needs for love
The experience of helplessness that children often experience can turn into a desire for power, or give rise to another powerful need - the need for love.
The child needs the attentive care of his parents and their constant willingness to understand their little person. The child needs protection.
Although such treatment is called maternal love, all people up to adulthood understand such sensitive parental attitude as love itself. Those who have an expectation of love similar to that characteristic of a child do not yet love themselves, but only feel the need to be loved.
Both can become in need of love: the one who grew up without love, and the one who is accustomed to being spoiled and being loved. Someone accustomed to love may not realize that love is an action embodied in turning to face another person with understanding and care. Those who have not learned to love themselves wait to be loved, but such hopes are most often not fulfilled.
Why don't we approach a person who seems attractive to us? Why are we afraid of being rejected? Why do we lack inner freedom to do as we please?
A small child needs affection and security. Freedom will not give him anything; it only creates a feeling of danger. Later, when his spiritual and physical abilities develop to a certain level, he will be able, in small steps, to learn to make free decisions. Thanks to freedom to make decisions - right or wrong, thanks to freedom to act - right or wrong, a person becomes independent. So he himself takes responsibility for his actions and for the consequences of his decisions.
Why are many afraid of this freedom and the associated responsibility for the consequences? My answer: for a person for whom the state of a loved one and pampered treatment have become habitual, it is very difficult to imagine that love is one’s own action. And it’s even more difficult for him to act.
A constantly loved and pampered being is prevented from finding love-action by another obstacle: the fear of being rejected. Those who feel an urgent need for love, or are initially spoiled by love, cannot tolerate rejection. He behaves absurdly, like the gambler who admits: “I only play when I win.” With this attitude, love remains a difficult desire to fulfill.
The unfulfilled need for love is difficult to bear. A person is dissatisfied because he does not find what he wants and what he considers meaningful. But he does not find this because he does not even dare to express his desires. Why doesn't he dare to show his desire for love? Because he is afraid of being rejected, because he himself is not ready to give up the desire for love. Such a person perceives refusal as a personal rejection, and one should learn to accept reality as it is, instead of feeling humiliated by cherishing one’s egocentric pride. Only those who are able to freely express their desires, being ready to give them up, have true, and rare, inner freedom. But if a person does not have internal freedom sufficient to find and experience sincere and admiring love, an unbearable deficiency of love arises in him. Thus, the need flares up, at all costs, to find a way out of this “hopeless” situation. The lifestyle of those fascinated by the need for love diverges along three paths - three paths of escape. The first path is used most often; divorced people take it first of all. It is a constant search for perfect love. Seekers of ideal love replace their sadness with hope for the future. For some wanderers of love, this path leads to a constant change of partners or to banal moral decay, while others escape into the world of spiritualistic dreams.
Those who are in an eternal search for ideal love often become very accustomed to their condition. They don’t even suspect that they themselves are no longer ready for real affection. From some point on, they begin to strive not for love affection, but for affection. They can be found in various Societies, Clubs, and Self-Knowledge Groups. They go there to chat about love, to cuddle, or to have an epiphany.
The second path is chosen by sensitive aesthetes. Their love no longer extends to their partners—their partners may disappoint. Their love is given to beautiful objects and impersonal experiences: music, literature, travel.
The third escape route is the riskiest. This path imitates true love. True love is built on a two-pronged relationship - “give” and “take”. But the one who thirsts for love, professing the style of the third way, plunges into a state of one-sided devotion. He does not want and cannot take it. The unrequited giver is convinced that in order to be loved, he must be ready at any moment to come to the aid of the object of love, and he comes, sometimes obsessively. Pampering a loved one with excessive care, he or she constantly imposes himself on the partner and inseparably clings to the object of his immense love. The partner perceives such love as embarrassment and suppression. Obsessive devotion can become unbearable when a loved one is constantly expected, or even with a pained expression on their face, they demand proof and confirmation of reciprocal love. The object of devotion is often prohibited from showing the slightest interest in something or someone. This hidden jealousy arises not from the desire to “own”, but from the fear of losing love and, ultimately, from one’s own loss: not only in love, but in everything. People who are passionately in need of love, with their need to take care of someone, easily and recklessly become attached to children, pets, the helpless and weak. They behave like alcoholics who value others who are suffering like themselves extremely highly.
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Lifestyle as a process.
Lifestyle is everything that is NOT connected with what results you achieve, what goals you achieve, what you strive for... Lifestyle is how you live from a process point of view:
• Do you like the process of your life?
• Do you like the process of making money?
• Are you getting enough rest?
• Do you spend enough time with your loved ones?
• Do you spend enough time with your hobbies?
Lifestyle is not about achieving results and goals, but about the process, about how you live. Not where, why, with what parameters and results, but HOW - how much you like the process of your life in its various manifestations.
Blue-green lifestyle: elite
The elite lifestyle is conveyed by the concept of “venerable.” This epithet indicates what exactly defines an elitist attitude and behavior. For the elite, two senses of self are important: self-respect and inner satisfaction. To those uninitiated in elitology, the category “venerable” immediately catches the eye. Indeed, as a first approximation, one might think that respectable approval is important to the elite. For the “chosen ones,” it is of great value to live according to one’s own convictions in order to maintain self-respect thanks to these principles. But it is possible that recognition and self-respect serve for the elite only as a means of achieving life satisfaction. One belief has undoubtedly become ingrained in the flesh and blood of the elite: only those who live according to their own convictions and uncompromisingly maintain self-respect can be satisfied with life.
Another concept distinguishes an elite lifestyle. First of all, behavior that meets high ethical and aesthetic criteria. An elite person seeks true quality of life not in fashionable everyday life, but in values that have stood the test of time. The elite type finds the true quality of life where the best representatives of society have reached the heights of culture. Where many generations of outstanding people have created a generally recognized high style. Therefore, the easiest way to meet a bearer of elitism is in an antique store. He is looking for a rare book that is not on the order list. He puts his favorite books in leather binding and enjoys carefully holding the rarity in his hands. In a junk shop, he looks for a cabinet or table, painted in an unattractive color, but perfect in form, so that, having eliminated traces of bad taste, he can enjoy the marvelous object. He knows the normal price for everything, but he is ready to pay a lot of money for good wine or a silk carpet. One ancient chronicler described the inhabitants of my hometown with the following words: “More to be than to appear.” A real person does not show what and how much he owns.
When I was a student, a professor of philosophy and mathematics invited me to visit. He made this rare exception for me, because even then I shared his favorite thesis: “The psyche functions according to mathematical laws.” Every time I voiced this statement, he confirmed: “Of course, because Proclus also said...” Each time followed by a long statement in Greek. I still don’t know the meaning of this expression. I don’t know, probably because I felt very subtly: I would never be able to admit to this elitist scientist that I knew only a few words in Greek. The professor belonged to a patrician family that had been represented at our university for several generations.
The park and the professor’s house were located in the most expensive part of the city: for the money that a plot of land measuring 10x10 square meters cost here, one could build a small house. The professor's simple brick house was located at the end of a poplar alley. The house was furnished with stylish furniture and hung with oil paintings, which at that time did not interest me at all. One day a professor wanted to explain to me an aesthetic principle using mathematics. He explained this principle using the example of a painting hanging over the sofa on which he usually sat. In conclusion, the professor said: “You see, Leonardo knew that beauty is a mathematical concept.” There really was an original Leonardo da Vinci hanging on the wall. “More to be than to appear” - for a representative of the elite this is something taken for granted. This man did not have a car. He walked or rode the tram. If a scientist on a tram noticed a person he liked, he went to him with the words: “My name is S...” What is your name?" The self-respect that the elite possesses eliminates the feeling of inferiority. The man has found inner peace, he is satisfied with life. This attitude turns a person into a tactful, interested observer. He is a connoisseur, and if necessary, an expert. The main thing for him is quality, true dignity. He is picky about the people he associates with. Strict in the interests that he supports. Selective in the objects with which he surrounds himself.
Self-esteem and satisfaction require quality. But it is necessary not only in aesthetic, but especially in ethical behavior. The ethical qualities characteristic of an elite person are, first of all, fairness, reliability and responsibility. It is precisely this range of responsibilities that includes the thesis: “the position obliges.”
On the contrary, people without the appropriate origin (“sine nobihtate”), that is, snobs, are pseudo-elite dudes. A snob tries to pretend to be a noble person. And he creates his high position by external means. Snobs don't always buy the best, but they always buy expensive things. Snobs don’t care whether things in themselves are good or bad; they care about a well-known brand, the name of the manufacturer of things. They would even put on the “king’s new dress” if this “nothing” had the name of a famous fashion designer on it. They hang on themselves and on the walls what is considered prestigious. The easiest way is to imitate aesthetic models. You can learn a “subtle” understanding of style in no time: just turn to an antique dealer. I learned from an American how old antique things should be. He showed me his spacious villa, describing in detail every picture, every table, every lamp. He talked about things that I, with all their merits, saw with my own eyes, but the American always ended his comments on each thing with the words “... and over 150 years old.”
A representative of the elite does not show off anything - neither his property, nor education, nor knowledge, nor titles. A snob, on the contrary, demonstrates everything possible. He is a show-off. His life principle: “More to appear than to be.” Anything is good for appearances - a car that can be rented, a title that can be bought, a title that consists of several meaningless letters. In the restaurant, he pretends that he knows good wines, while focusing on prices. He is always welcome at opening days, and this is very important to him, and the paintings do not bother him. Being present at a concert, he, of course, knows the name of the famous conductor. He is able to distinguish a Bach fugue from a Radetzky march by the volume of its sound. When talking to a snob, after just a few sentences you are amazed at how many influential and famous friends he has. In his elitist pose there is no real quality, there is an appearance of quality. Imaginary elitism (snobbery) is not self-respect, but a desire to arouse the admiration of the public.
Red-yellow lifestyle: popularity
I first realized the differences between different life styles a long time ago. Then I was in one vacation spot. One day we were sitting with a director in the market square. A famous pop singer approached us. “Robert, your film about the famous X is fantastic!” - the singer began. “You should definitely make a film about me.” “You are the last person I will undertake to make a film about,” came the frank answer. The hit master insisted: “Robert, everyone knows me. I'm popular. If you make a film about me, I will become very famous, and I want to become very famous." Neither the singer himself nor his songs were to my taste, but I was surprised by the precision with which he chose his words and his honest assessment of his image. Thanks to this singer, I started thinking: what is popular, famous, famous? And what do other social statuses and their corresponding life styles mean? Many of those who want to become popular cannot even hope that someone will have too high an opinion of them. If a waiter or barmaid calls such “unknown celebrities” by name, this is already a balm for their hearts.
But those who strive for real popularity must make great efforts. He participates in the work of some union or party because his colleagues do so. And to become even more famous, he takes on the responsibilities of a corporate treasurer, or some kind of mass work, because he must constantly be in sight. If he notices that although they greet him, many do not know him by name, then such humiliation arouses even greater zeal in him. To become president and to be called in the future “Mr. Mayer, our president” - this is how a person thirsting for popularity sees the fulfillment of his dream. He carefully reads newspapers to borrow any innovation.
If he is hailed as “our enterprising president”, he will be happy because that is the mark of a progressive person. When participating in the work of some union, party or sect, the main thing for him is development, the future, because development is at the same time an increase in his popularity. Such a person, in principle, can be considered a progressive. Moderately progressive, of course. Any other treatment would be unfair.
With some reservations, such a progressive can be considered among the elite. But this is not an expert knowledgeable in special fields, he is only an exponent (or even a translator) of popular opinions. It is enough for him to be a herald to receive applause. He participates in everything and goes everywhere where he should be known. Depending on the fun or seriousness of the moment, he always has the usual maverick jeans or a reactionary tailcoat ready. But for all occasions he has a spectacular speech ready without any content, a speech about nothing.
The hidden motivation for all these actions are two weakened feelings of self, which he wants to get rid of with the help of popularity. The first is the fear of being rejected, the fear of being lost. The second is weak self-confidence, fear of not achieving recognition. Anyone who has achieved popularity no longer feels lost; he can imagine that he has achieved recognition. But this is just an embellished fantasy. Most often, it is not truly elite individuals who strive for such a goal, but celebrities.
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American.
- Ostensible politeness . Americans don't always say directly what they don't like, especially when it comes to higher-ups. Therefore, they have a habit of deliberately losing to their boss in something in order to show respect.
- Good neighborliness . Friendship with neighbors is expressed in frequent barbecues on weekends and decorating houses for the holidays “like everyone else.” It is practiced to greet new residents, always with refreshments.
- Any work is paid . In many American families, children receive pocket money for doing feasible chores around the house - mowing the lawn, cleaning the garage. Sometimes they help a neighbor for a monetary reward.
- Freedom of movement . Moving from one state to another for work or study is quite easy for an American (not in material terms, but in moral terms). They go to Washington for a political career, and to Los Angeles for popularity. They freely make friends with neighbors and colleagues, so moving does not seem emotionally difficult to them.
- Public life . Participation in a golf club, bridge, playing Bingo, going to church on Sundays. Americans love to "huddle together."
How do you know if you're living the American way? Practicality is at the core of this lifestyle. Everything is done for a specific purpose. Family is salvation from loneliness; work is for earning money and building a career. Time is the most valuable resource, therefore everything is captured and clearly divided. Everything has its price, for some you have to pay with money, for others with principles.
Central to the American lifestyle is the belief that dreams can come true with the right amount of effort. Purposefulness, broad-mindedness, courage in making plans - this is what it means to live the American way.
Green-Yellow Lifestyle: Celebrities
The celebrity lifestyle has no external distinctive features. Their characteristic feature is a life attitude that raises them to the level they occupy on the social ladder. But we need to understand what the concept of “celebrity” means and what distinguishes it from popularity, elitism and power. I put it this way: “celebrity” occupies a place between “being powerful” and “being elitist.” And in relation to “popularity” all three states are located higher.
It is impossible to answer the question of what a celebrity is without defining the difference between the concepts of “fame” and “celebrity”. Television announcers or even popular television program hosts are famous people, but not famous. Tabloid journalism, which relies on exaggeration and falsification, can elevate any ubiquitous writer to the rank of celebrity in order to benefit from his publicity. Then, when the writer leaves his artificially constructed throne, the expense of an artificial celebrity will be justified. For real celebrities, media representatives are simply correspondents.
If you think about it, you can imagine what the Pope's lifestyle is like. There are famous artists who lead an original lifestyle, and there are other celebrities who live in ordinary surroundings. The Nobel laureate is certainly a famous person, but the Nobel laureate does not seek to transfer his private life to the pages of secular magazines. Some famous people will be brought in a black limousine, while others will arrive there on a bicycle. One may live in a palace, while the other sleeps on a cot in a laboratory. There are no obligatory external manifestations typical of the lifestyle of famous people.
What makes a person a famous person? What unites a great scientist, a great thinker, a prominent statesman, a famous artist, and a revered church leader? What can a person be famous for?
I have a friend Rolf who always hits the nail on the head, so I asked him what he meant by “famous.” He was found: “The one who opens up new dimensions is famous.” This is what applies to everyone I consider famous. These are people who, thanks to their exemplary conviction, have achieved great things in our time. Among the outstanding and famous people are Martin Luther King, Albert Einstein, Gorbachev, Picasso, Pope John XXIII. Assigning the rank of “famous” brings honor to society when this rank is assigned thoughtfully, based on real outstanding achievements of an individual.
If a celebrity label is stuck on a garrulous politician, a stuffed money bag, or a full-breasted naked movie star, then it resembles gilded tin.
Celebrities do not get their greatness in the cradle. Achieving greatness requires motivation. At first, the function of such a motive is performed by personal vanity or the desire to surpass someone. These types of celebrities often act according to teachings and even dogmas to get their way. Those in whom there is a desire to understand something and act correctly, achieve maturity through intense critical attention to reality. For such people, instead of egocentric vanity, the creation of harmony, social, scientific or artistic creativity comes to the fore.
Those whom society makes its chosen celebrity bear a multifaceted responsibility to it. Therefore, society harbors a grudge against famous people if they find themselves involved in the same intrigues as ordinary people.
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What do the highs lead to?
Your problems today are largely due to the fact that all of your maximums, your demands on yourself, contradict each other:
• You need to have the highest possible standard of living - And a person with a low salary buys a car on credit in order to have the highest standard of living. But as soon as he did this, he failed in terms of money, and now he has no maximum in terms of money.
• You need to have maximum family relationships, happy couple relationships - A person has built himself a happy couple relationship. But now he fails to achieve maximum freedom; now he cannot be as free as possible. And immediately it begins to gnaw at him inside: “Now you are a family member, now you are not free, now you do not have maximum freedom.” The person does not realize this, but it begins to gnaw at him from the inside
• It’s healthy to spend time with yourself, to be in close communication with yourself - it’s considered kind of cool that a person knows how to spend time with himself, and so on, to think about something, to be alone. But, on the other hand, it’s great when a person has a lot of friends and communicates constantly
These are the highs that pull you in two exactly opposite directions. Maybe you don’t have this, but some other things - not everyone has the same thing. But one way or another, a large number of different maximums are embedded in our head and the head tries to achieve all this at the same time and nothing works. It is impossible to have the best in everything. This is the main myth, the main mistake and the main rake on which everyone stumbles when creating a style of their life.
