Perfectionism is the problem that looks the least like a problem. Striving for excellence means setting high standards, constantly raising the bar, exceeding expectations and taking on new challenges. Then why does perfectionism interfere with achieving goals?
Perfectionism is the desire and internal expectation of the highest level of performance. Problems of perfectionism:
- The concepts of “ideal” and “highest level” are difficult to formulate and almost impossible to evaluate. The goals of perfectionists are elusive and abstract. If something does not live up to the ideal, it must be rejected, replaced or redone. A result less than ideal is unacceptable.
- Ideals are relative: even if everything is foreseen and something perfect is created for everyone, circumstances can change, and then the ideal creation will no longer be so.
We don't reach for the bottom branch of the tree.
Guided by high standards and striving for perfection, we decide that the minimum result is the one that will be included in the Guinness Book of Records.
Just good is not enough, the results must be outstanding.
We criticize our achievements
and we never know if we tried enough. We constantly return to our choices and doubt decisions, downplaying achievements.
Once the goal is achieved, we experience ecstasy
, but it doesn't last long. As soon as any shortcoming is discovered, we will begin to get hung up, lose sleep and ask questions: “Why didn’t I do better?”, “What if the decision was wrong?”
We worry about other people's opinions
and try to make a great impression. We need to assert ourselves and feel approved. Others expect a lot from us, and we are not going to disappoint them.
We judge others
and, as perfectionists, we do not allow ourselves or those around us to live. Although we are strict, we are not hypocritical: there will be no double standards, just all the standards are several times stricter than usual.
We love order
and we cannot live without it, therefore we are able to make long alphabetical lists, highlight important things in color, organize information, straighten, align, shake off invisible specks of dust and maintain sterility.
If something is not perfect, you cannot sleep peacefully.
We think a lot
and a lot of time is spent on selecting wording, analysis, revision, explanations, adjustments and other subtleties.
We love little things
and we live in a world of little things, and we also notice what others don’t see. We will check, double-check and double-check the work again, because not a single error should creep into it.
We're missing the point
and we don’t see the forest for the trees. Perfectionism is the perfect way to distract yourself from the main thing. The ideal becomes an end in itself, and we often forget about the originally set goal.
Today, perfectionism is popular, and many people proudly consider themselves perfectionists. Today, there are two types: positive, also known as normal, and negative - neurotic perfectionism.
Positive perfectionists strive for achievement and invest energy in goal setting, problem solving, and overcoming obstacles. Achieving a goal is a joy for them, and they engage in a task because it brings them pleasure and meaning.
Positive perfectionists are healthy and emotionally stable people.
Neurotic, or otherwise negative, perfectionists are the other side of the perfectionism coin, and this side suffers greatly.
Their goal is to “escape mediocrity,” and the meaning of life is not in the innate desire to create something grandiose, but in trying to escape failure due to the fear of failure.
Despite the fact that the ideal is equally unattainable for both positive and negative perfectionists: the former are focused on the result, and the latter are focused on the fear of failure.
An unachieved goal is a hard blow for negative perfectionists.
Self-regulation: the main thing must come first.
The type of perfectionism depends on the goals that our brain prioritizes.
Not all goals are equal: some repel, while others attract. It depends on what we focus on - achieving a goal and getting results or avoiding negative consequences. The first goals are promotional, and the second are called preventive.
Promoting goals are the pursuit of positive results and their maintenance. For example, graduate from university, visit the tropics, or find a better-paying job.
Such goals are easy to set and simple to formulate; tasks for them are easy to set. Working towards a supportive goal brings joy and elation, while failure is disheartening.
Prevention goals are avoidance of negative outcomes or reduction of consequences. For example, too frequent medical examinations to protect against potential health problems or the desire to avoid losing a job.
Prevention goals are difficult to achieve because you will constantly have to run from what has not yet happened. The pursuit of a preventive goal can be endless.
Pursuing and achieving a prevention goal causes feelings of relief and satisfaction, while failure to achieve it causes fear, guilt and anxiety.
In this case, positive feelings are paler, and their achievement is a utopia, and because of this, negative feelings will become a constant background.
Life goals are complex and can have both promoting and preventing features.
One way to understand the difference between the two types of perfectionism: Let's imagine that we were put in a room and asked to find a spider.
We can look around for quite a long time, but as soon as we find the spider, the task will be completed. Now imagine: we need to make sure that there are no spiders left in the same room. No matter how closely we look, even if we don’t see spiders, we can’t stop. After all, the spider could have crawled into the gap while we were turning away. Even if we find it, the work will not end, because there may be other spiders there.
Perfectionism is a labyrinth with no exit, and it causes us to work in vain.
Perfectionism is one of the main reasons why ideas remain in the head and are not implemented. The idea is still in its infancy, but perfectionism will not allow it to flourish. While the perfectionist thinks, others do.
Difference between perfectionism and procrastination: The main feature of procrastination is putting off completing a task, while perfectionism is putting off completing it. Unlike procrastination, the matter simply does not end, because we are not ready to show the result and share it.
Perfectionists also find it difficult to assign someone to complete a task for fear that they will have to redo everything. If you want to do something well, do it yourself.
Also, perfectionists set high standards for others and expect them to not only achieve them, but also exceed them. And when it doesn’t work out, they become disappointed in people. At the same time, they also punish those who do not meet high standards.
If you're looking for a source of self-doubt, it's probably perfectionist parents.
Perfectionists enjoy the ideal result less often than they achieve it.
And they fall into the trap of disappointment - the work done never meets their own standards. Perfectionists react to feedback with guilt and shame. And because of this, they miss the benefit of constructive criticism and they become obsessed with what went wrong. You can only be proud of an ideal result, which means there is nothing to be proud of.
In addition to disappointment, anxiety and shame, perfectionism provokes many serious problems:
- People with this mental characteristic are usually more prone to depression, because life is not ideal;
- They have eating disorders: bulimia and anorexia, because the body is also not ideal;
- Some suffer from sexual dysfunction, and they are not ideal in bed either;
- As well as low self-esteem and obsessive-compulsive disorders - “Either I will do everything perfectly, or... not at all.”
They find it difficult to communicate with others: they either think that they are constantly being judged, or they expect too much from people and this damages their relationships.
Perfectionists are more cynical, more stressed, and less satisfied with life and themselves than others.
Who is a perfectionist - the meaning of the term in simple words
So, in simple terms, a perfectionist is a person who believes that the ideal exists and can be achieved, and therefore makes excessive demands on himself and others. He strives to do everything flawlessly and flawlessly. A perfectionist may become irritated if he notices a flaw or imperfection in something.
A perfectionist is a fairly common personality type lately. The reasons for this are called very different - medical, psychological, even features of politics and economics. Moreover, depending on the type and severity, perfectionism can have positive, neutral or negative consequences. There are probably perfectionists among the readers of this article, so it’s worth considering this phenomenon in more detail.
Diagnostics
How to understand that you are a perfectionist? You need to undergo diagnostics under the supervision of a psychologist or psychotherapist. The events are something like this:
- Oral survey. Or, more simply put, an ordinary conversation. An experienced specialist quickly identifies the problem and discovers it during the first conversation. Then additional diagnostic methods are developed.
- Special tests for perfectionism are used: questionnaires, dysfunctional attitude scales, perfectionism scale. There are also additional questionnaires. They are quite reliable, especially in the system.
- Functional test. The patient is asked to perform a simple task. Based on the results, we can talk about one or another degree of deviation. Determine whether it is a disease or not. Disorders are indicated by increased emotional tension, patient remarks, and anxiety.
Types of perfectionism
Perfectionism can manifest itself in several different ways.
:
- Self-directed perfectionism
. In this case, a person strives to achieve a certain ideal and is as demanding of himself as possible. - Perfectionism directed at other people
. In this case, the “patient” makes clearly excessive demands on the people around him, sometimes demanding the impossible from them. - Perfectionism addressed to the world at large
. At the same time, the person is convinced that everything in the world should be “correct.” - Socially prescribed perfectionism
. In this case, a person blindly and thoroughly follows any standards imposed from the outside, tries to correspond to what others expect from him. - The so-called “forest perfectionism”
. It manifests itself in a strong love for nature, a desire to visit forests and other natural sites, virgin and sparsely populated places.
Perfectionism can be characterized in another way. It makes sense to highlight “creative”
and
“consumer”
perfectionism. In the first case, a person strives to create something at an exceptionally high level, to do his job “perfectly,” and constantly finds fault with himself and redoes what happened. He is mainly interested in self-improvement; he makes no special demands on others, sometimes he doesn’t even notice what’s happening around him.
“Consumer” perfectionism is the desire to get the best from life in a ready-made form, applying a minimum of independent effort to it. It is this form of perfectionism that is more common in the modern world, although there are also perfectionist “creators”.
“Consumer” perfectionism, in particular, is widespread among representatives of the social “elite”, “golden youth”, among children of rich and influential parents. If such people find themselves in a simpler and more democratic environment (for example, a hotel room of not the best quality), then they experience depression. But such perfectionism also occurs among ordinary people, even among those who call themselves “creative.” They present work and the creative process as a set of simple, template actions, which, when performed, can automatically produce an “ideal” result. If the result does not meet expectations, such people become severely depressed and become disillusioned with their abilities.
Severity of perfectionism
The severity of perfectionism is divided into three degrees.
- Easy or first
The patient does not dwell on his own problems and failures. However, they greatly upset him. A person does not stop, strives to look at things with a positive, optimistic view. The motto is: if it didn’t work out now, it will definitely work out later, next time. People live with this condition for a long time; it does not go away on its own. Need help from a specialist. But only if the disorder progresses.
- Moderate severity
The patient does not accept failure. They are difficult and painful for him. He perceives any problem as a critical, real tragedy. Although, in fact, most often the problem is not terrible and can be completely solvable. This degree requires mandatory assistance from a specialist.
- Severe or clinical degree
The person cannot do anything. The so-called perfectionist paralysis develops. When the patient wants to do something, but is afraid of not achieving the ideal. In such thoughts he remains inactive. This is already a full-fledged pathological process. A comprehensive correction is required under the supervision of a psychotherapist.
What is bad about perfectionism is precisely the paralysis of activity, self-doubt and loss of time. The patient can concentrate for a long time on a task that is already done well. It just couldn't be better. This is an obstacle to development and a serious psychological burden.
Causes of perfectionism
In fact, perfectionism has always existed. For example, monarchs are known to have pronounced perfectionism. Such, for example, was the Russian Emperor Paul, whose demands during his reign significantly affected the fate of the country, and not always positively. However, perfectionism began to manifest itself to a greater extent in the last few decades. Scientists are wondering why this happened.
Some of them see the origins of mass perfectionism in neoliberal ideology and corresponding political regimes. Neoliberalism is a fascist ideology that has nothing in common with real liberalism, but has earned some popularity in our time. She preaches extreme antisociality and the competitive, market nature of all social relations, including friendships and family ones. In this regard, any human action, even in everyday life, must have a “marketable appearance” so that it can be sold or exchanged for some other value, material or “spiritual”.
However, fascism and neoliberalism should not be blamed alone. There are theories that derive perfectionism from childhood with a certain style of parenting of a child. If the parents never approve of the child or approve of him rarely, mainly for exceptionally good deeds, he will constantly strive for this approval; This is how socially prescribed perfectionism arises. If parents constantly praise the child, regardless of his behavior and merits, this can develop into “consumer” perfectionism: the grown-up child will continue to consider himself the best and, therefore, worthy of living in the best conditions, regardless of the nature of his activities.
There are studies that link perfectionism to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). With this mental disorder, the patient experiences obsessive thoughts, most often of an alarming nature; he is afraid that everything will not go as planned, he is afraid of becoming infected with something terrible due to contact with imperfectly clean objects, etc. He strives to avoid a frightening outcome through obsessive actions - constant hand washing, cleaning, “obsessive” execution any work.
What is the mechanism of perfectionism?
Its essence is that a person is not sufficiently familiar with the realities of the world around him. He mistakes the ideal world drawn in his head for reality and becomes confused when he has to come into contact with the present reality. When “fantasizing” is neglected, a person is not at all able to exist in reality.
Thus, captivated by legends about an ideal and carefree life abroad in developed countries, a person goes there, but quickly becomes depressed when faced with an abundance of real problems even in the most “advertised” country. A perfectionist who has a higher education with honors and gets a job in his specialty is faced with the fact that the greatest factor for success at work is not his ideal knowledge, but completely different skills and abilities, often far from the work process: will, patience, ability communicate, ability to get along in a large team, etc.
By the way, often people who are perfectionists have certain difficulties in the social sphere: they are unsociable, do not like people, show aggression towards others, and may rarely leave the house. Many of them admit that they are afraid of people. In reality, such people are afraid to face difficulties and inconsistencies in the real world that do not correspond to their rosy fantasies.
Treatment of the pathological condition
Is it possible to stop being a perfectionist and get rid of this shortcoming forever? Yes, it's quite possible. Psychotherapy is needed. Several techniques are used.
- Psychodynamic. To identify the causes of the pathological process.
- Behavioral. After identifying the causes, it is necessary to correct the disorder.
- Cognitive. So that the patient perceives himself adequately.
How else to deal with this? If anxiety develops, you can get rid of the symptoms with the help of sedatives and mild tranquilizers. They must be taken strictly with the approval of the attending physician and nothing else. Unauthorized actions are unacceptable.
It takes up to several months to resolve the problem. In especially difficult cases, several years of work on yourself.
How to recognize perfectionism in yourself
More often than not, perfectionists know that they are perfectionists. If there are doubts about this, then it makes sense to look at your state of mind, at your own attitude towards yourself and the world around you.
You may be a perfectionist if you are embarrassed by unevenness, crooked lines, someone's ugly handwriting (including your own), clutter in the room, and even the fact that some thing is clearly out of place. At the same time, you strive to fix it, put the thing in its place, smooth out unevenness, and often put off some really important things for the sake of this.
You are clearly a perfectionist if you do not notice your own successes and concentrate on failures and mistakes. Moreover, this can be directed not only at oneself, but also at a stranger. When listening to music, you find fault too much with the voice, the quality of the recording, the level of play of the musicians, and you rate low even what others recognize as masterpieces. You are a perfectionist if you have difficulty analyzing any object or phenomenon: what exactly is good about it, what is not so good, what is completely bad, what can be fixed and what cannot be corrected.
You are definitely a perfectionist if you tend to constantly compare yourself to other people, especially the successful, rich and famous. You are a perfectionist if you are constantly concerned about what others will say about you.
Isn't this vanity?
But how do you feel when you cross the line? The desire to do your job to the highest quality is so commendable and (for many) natural. Christians are commanded to perform every task, even the smallest, as if you were doing it for the Lord. This implies a bar beyond which there is no higher limit. How can you, while adhering to these highest requirements, not be a perfectionist?
Let's move from the psychological, spiritual dimension to the spiritual. Perfectionism is a passion. The obsessive desire for perfection is associated with envy, lies, and most of all – with vanity. Vanity is empty glory. Isn’t this what a perfectionist is looking for, feeding on people’s praise and trying to do everything better than everyone else, to be the best? Vanity aspirations can lead a person into excitement and make him forget about his own intellectual, physical (and spiritual) capabilities. Unfulfilled vanity leads to despondency, and therefore laziness.
The holy fathers unanimously call the fight against the passion of vanity the most difficult - it is so many-sided and cunning. We will touch only on some of its aspects. At ascetic heights, any vain thoughts are cut off. There is a story about a monk confessing a sinful thought to an elder: “Abba, thoughts come to me that I was very carefully making my bed...”
Don't rush to smile skeptically. The level of spiritual success and perfectionism that the monk and I have is different, but the problem is essentially the same. Therefore, advice on combating vanity from St. John Cassian the Roman, intended for monks, are suitable - with small discounts - for all of us:
- “Let us not allow ourselves to do anything with a vain intention, to gain vain glory.
- “What we did well in the beginning, we must try to protect with due attention, so that the creeping passion of vanity does not abolish all the fruits of our efforts.”
- “We must with all diligence avoid what is not done in the society of brothers or is not of common use.”
- “We should also avoid things that can distinguish us from others and cause people to praise us as if we were the only ones doing it.”
Those who have conquered the “deadly infection of vanity” are unlikely to face such a trifle as pathological perfectionism.
The main signs of a perfectionist
Among the many manifestations of perfectionism, we can highlight the fundamental
:
- Inflated performance standards and expectations that often do not correspond to real capabilities.
- The belief that others demand too much from you.
- Constantly comparing oneself with successful people, as well as comparing all sorts of actually observed objects and phenomena with certain “ideals”.
- Life is based on the “all or nothing” principle.
Pros and cons of perfectionism
Of course, perfectionism is not always a disease or mental disorder.
If it does not manifest itself to a pathological degree, then it has a lot of positive features
:
- A perfectionist is a person responsible for his actions. He strives to maximally satisfy those who need his help or services.
- Healthy perfectionism implies that all problems on the way to achieving what you want can and should be resolved. As a result, such a perfectionist is distinguished by an active life position and optimism.
- A “healthy” perfectionist quickly adapts to new conditions and becomes “at home” in a new environment.
- The owner of “healthy” perfectionism is an independent person who has a strong point of view on reality and does not succumb to other people’s influences.
But there is also “unhealthy” perfectionism.
The disadvantages of this state are in many ways the reverse side of the advantages of “healthy” perfectionism
:
- It is characterized by low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with life.
- Such a perfectionist becomes dependent on public opinion or the desires of certain people whom he considers to be his “ideals.”
- A perfectionist who is overly demanding of others often finds himself completely alone.
- A “pathological” perfectionist is practically unable to develop in any way, since he is not prepared for the laws of real life, does not know them and does not want to take them into account (including even the elementary laws of physics). He is able to live only in his illusory world.
Symptoms of the disorder
Defining perfectionism is impossible without describing the symptoms of the pathological process. The clinical picture includes a group of manifestations.
Internal tension
Sufferers experience constant internal discomfort, trying to do everything perfectly. But they are always unhappy with the results. This is a typical feature of neurotic perfectionism. The tension builds until it reaches anxiety. Anxiety can develop into an independent pathological process. Then, in addition to psychotherapy, the patient will also need medications. The disorder has an extremely negative effect on the body.
Tendency to do everything perfectly
Core feature. It develops from the very first days of the disorder and becomes its basis. The tendency to do everything as best as possible reaches the point of absurdity: even with perfectly done work, a person is dissatisfied and looks for problems in it. This leads to anxiety and rapid fatigue. Asthenic syndrome develops. The patient becomes irritable, constantly wants to sleep, and cannot rest properly.
Phobias and fears
They develop after some time. Phobias and fears are based on a pathological desire to control everything and do the best job possible. For a long time, such tension is leveled out by the reserves of the nervous system. Then anxiety disorders and phobias develop. Panic attacks are possible. The problem can only be dealt with under the supervision of specialists.
Increased demands on yourself
The person perceives himself inadequately. In particular, this is manifested by increased demands on oneself, the desire to be the best. But this is impossible. A vicious circle arises.
Increased demands on others
This trait irritates others. Not only does a person perceive himself inadequately, he also perceives others in the same way. Makes his own demands. Therefore, a perfectionist has an insufficient social circle and few friends. Which means social isolation and even greater internal discomfort from the feeling of one’s own inferiority and uselessness.
Low self-esteem
Is part of the whole.
The symptoms are obvious and clearly visible, especially if the process reaches moderate and clinical severity.
How to communicate with a man and a woman who is a perfectionist
When meeting a woman or man who is a perfectionist, it is necessary to take into account that such people tend to invent “ideals”. The person she or he likes immediately becomes an “ideal” for a perfectionist. The perfectionist extends all his ideas about the ideal husband, partner, friend to him. And when it turns out that the partner does not correspond to all these invented “signs of the ideal,” disappointment sets in, turning into scandal and discord.
Therefore, in order to maintain a normal relationship with a perfectionist, you should immediately explain that you are not an “ideal”; you, like any other person, have a lot of weaknesses and shortcomings that must be taken into account. If your perfectionist partner likes this “alignment,” you can count on a long and positive relationship. If not, it is better to immediately stop close communication.
Is the “disease” dangerous?
“Healthy” perfectionism is not only not a dangerous state, but in a sense “ideal” for a person. Such a perfectionist, in particular, has a quality that is valuable for the present time - resistance to stress. If perfectionism takes the form of a mental disorder, then it is definitely harmful both for the “patient” himself and for the people around him.
Possible complications
There are quite a lot of complications:
- Neurotic disorders. Anxiety, sleep disturbances.
- Fall in self-esteem.
- Social self-isolation.
- Lack of a close social circle. Ultimately, loneliness. Forced, and not as a conscious choice of the patient.
- Depression leading to full-blown and long-term depressive disorder. In this case, drugs from the antidepressant group are prescribed. In a precisely adjusted dosage.
- Decreased productivity. Oddly enough, a perfectionist spends too much time working on one problem and does not have enough energy to do everything else.
- Suicidal thoughts and even productive attempts to commit suicide are possible. But this is a rather rare situation. This develops against the background of a severe pathological process, supported by depression.
There are many complications. Hence the importance of therapy. The problem is by no means a joke.
Prevention lies in the proper upbringing of the child. As little pressure and excessive demands as possible. This is the basis.
Tips to help overcome perfectionism
Of course, we are talking about “bad” perfectionism, because there is no need to fight “good”
:
- First of all, it is necessary to study the world around us
. Not only from books, films and other fantasies of other people, but also in direct reality. It should be clearly understood that one’s own and other people’s ideas, as well as theories, hypotheses and instructions, are only simplified models of reality, which in itself does not particularly correspond to them. - You shouldn't give up your ideals, but you shouldn't strive for them either
. The ideal must be “used” as a guide, and nothing more. So, if you want to play the guitar like Yngwie Malmsteen, you must understand that you will most likely never have exactly the same guitar, exactly the same equipment, the same opportunities for constant practice, or the same finger shape. and the opportunity to perform at the same venues; which means the sound of your music will be completely different from that of your idol - at best, it will be more or less close to him.
